The New York Post's gossip column didn't have much to base its conclusion that Ritchie had given the sleuthing tale a homoerotic backstory except for Downey's quote in the News of the World earlier this year that his Holmes and Law's Watson are "two men who happen to be roommates, wrestle a lot and share a bed. It's bad-ass."

That was apparently enough to put conservative radio host and family-friendly movie critic Michael Medved into a full-blown gay panic. "There's not a seething, bubbling hunger to see straight stars impersonating homosexuals. ... Who is going to want to see Downey Jr. and Law make out? I don't think it would be appealing to women. Straight men don't want to see it."

Well, we got a hold of a copy of a script to see just how gay it is, and to Medved's relief (or secret disappointment?) there're no scenes of Holmes and Watson going Brokeback. Our version is dated March 18, 2008, so it may not be the final, final revision. But the only explicit sex mentioned is a half-naked post-coital shot of Downey and Rachel McAdams in bed. That doesn't mean, of course, that Ritchie didn't direct his actors to give the Holmes-Watson dynamic some sexual tension. Here's the script's gayest moment — a scene that comes early in the movie when Watson tells Holmes that he's getting married. I could see how it could be played gay, but be your own judge.

Click images for a larger, more legible version

The appropriation continues! Another old-timey throwbacky kinda thing will be made into a movie, because no one knows what else to do anymore. Remember Castlevania, that sorta-creepy, sorta-silly vampire videogame from long ago? It will be a movie now. Directed by the guy who directed Saw. Sigh. [Variety]

Wow, does Mila Kunis keep defying the odds (whither Wilmer, Laura, Topher, and Danny?) and getting work. She'll next star opposite Natalie Portman in a new Darren Aronofsky movie. Quite a get! The film is Black Swan, a "supernatural drama" about a ballet dancer (Portman) who is haunted by a rival (Kelso's girlfriend). [THR]

Robert Downey Jr. is jumping on another gravy train, this one called the Todd Phillips express. He's signed on to star opposite Zach Galifianakis in Due Date, a buddy road trip comedy. Which Phillips does a lot of! So, capable hands and all that. [Variety]

Moon Bloodgood, who didn't embarrass herself in Terminator Salvation but didn't ennoble herself either, has been cast in the Spielberg-produced TNT pilot that is about aliens invading. The tentative title is Not 'V', Sorry Elizabeth Mitchell. (Not really). [THR]

Speaking of the Kunis-factor! Her new Mike Judge comedy Extract, got a "warm" reception at Comic-Con this year. What this movie has to do with comics is a mystery. Is it that Jason Bateman sorta looks like a cartoon? [Variety]

Out of 15 TV channels, HBO has topped (heh) GLAAD's Network Responsibility Index. NBC and CBS failed. Unsurprisingly. Please make David Caruso gay on CSI. 'Twould be hilarious. [THR]

1. In the nerd equivalent of heaven, James Cameron and Peter Jackson attended their first Comic-Con, and did a panel together where they talk about the future of film-making and Jackson reveals that a script for The Hobbit, his Lord of the Rings prequel, will be finished in a month. [Zap2It]

2. Lost isn't known for parting with information easily, but they did have some good tidbits at their panel. Characters Juliet and Daniel Faraday will be back for the final season. Also in season six: no more time travel, the return of Charlie and Boone, the backstory for the enigmatic Richard Alpert, and some allusions to what may be alternate timelines. Damn, that shit makes our brain hurt. [EOnline]

3. Warner Bros. tried to roll out the new Patricia Heaton comedy The Middle at their Mom-A-Con. No one showed for the counter programming. Everyone said, "Mom, stop embarrasing me!" [THRFeed]

4. Hayden Panettiere is going to get some girl-on-girl action for the new season of Heroes. Yeah, cause that is what is going to fix this show. [io9]

5. Two scenes from the upcoming Twilight sequel, New Moon, were screened. Lots of girls screamed. [CelebrityCafe]

6. Iron Man 2 is going to fucking rule. Fans were excited by footage that shows Samuel L. Jackson's return as Nick Fury, Mickey Rourke playing new villain Whiplash, and a bunch of awesome special effects. Robert Downey Jr, director Jon Favreau, and new additions Scarlett Johannson (who plays sexy spy Black Widow) and Don Cheadle (replacing Terrence Howard) were all in attendance. That's either an A-List Comic-Con panel or a night at The Waverly Inn. [EW]

7. Ok, Iron Man gets two entries because the sequel is laying the foundation for Marvel's much anticipated (among comic geeks) Avengers movie (not the crappy Uma Thurmond one, this one has Captain American and shit). [EOnline]

8. We haven't seen the last of Battlestar Galactica, Edward James Olmos' career to continue. [io9]

9. You're probably not going to see Family Guy's "Abortion Episode," at least on the air, but it will probably be on DVD. What? Fox suddenly has standards? [LAT]

10. Alien invasion drama Vis back and the geeks love it. Is there anything left from the '80s for us to bring back? Alf, maybe? [THRFeed]

An action yarn complete with ham-slamming fisticuffs and wittily bantered-about gun play, a sexy/funny love interest (Rachel McAdams), and a door hoofening sidekick (Jude Law's Watson). While some (including us) may have been hoping for something darker and more ruminative, something in the vein of From Hell (but better), we should have known better based on Ritchie's lock stocking oeuvre. Ah well.

Looks fun, at least. We'll see it at Christmas.

[via Movieline]

Matt Lauer asked the raging Aussie if he shaped his character in State of Play based on his feelings about reporters. Crowe said not really, because if he had it would have been a far meaner caricature: one-eyed, limping spandex-wearers. His real problem is that sometimes reporters ask really dumb questions, but then get upset when they get a dumb answer. And he's right!

Why, just look at this disastrous snippet from an Robert Downey Jr.'s junket for The Soloist (hey Seth!), in which a reporter asked the actor what his character in Tropic Thunder would think about Jamie Foxx's character in The Soloist.

Um, what? Someone throw a hotel phone at that guy.

A colorful, inner-candy-city drama revolving around down-and-out candy hooker Princess Frostine, turned out by Lord Licorice on the chewy streets of Gum Drop Mountain. She's eventually taken in by a disgraced former candy cop named Gloppy the Chocolate Monster, kicked off the force for stealing Pixie Stick powder evidence, and the two embark upon an unlikely love affair. [Variety]
· Casino Royale director Martin Campbell is close to signing with Warners for Green Lantern, outpacing other Warner/DC properties like the stalled Superman and Justice League projects, and even Sony's de-stung emerald hero, The Green Hornet. [Variety]
· Imagine TV is looking for another comedy hit, and is developing one written by Gilmore Girls's Dan Palladino and based on Brian Grazer's father, Tom Grazer. "A lawyer with a slightly questionable moral compass," Grazer Jr. said. "My dad was so much bigger than life. He was a big personality, extremely popular but flawed." Father of Grazerhead? The mind reels. [Variety]
· Chris O'Donnell and LL Cool J are in talks to star in CBS's as-yet-untitled NCIS spinoff. We nominate DoN CAF, or Department of the Navy Central Adjudication Facility, in keeping with the indecipherable military-agency-acronym theme. [THR]
· Robert Downey Jr., Tina Fey and Ben Stiller are negotiating to voice DreamWorks Animation's Master Mind, about a villain who accidentally kills his superhero nemesis, sending him into an existential crisis. [THR]

Speaking as part of Newsweek's Oscar roundtable, which also included Anne Hathaway, Frank Langella, Brad Pitt, and Sally Hawkins (whoops), Downey Jr. told the story of his wild trip to Japan, which was almost derailed when airport officials realized the actor had been arrested numerous times. Though they ultimately let him in, the actor was punished with a crippling, Kobe-related "yoo-hoo status" (Langella is as confused as you are by that one) as well as an insensitive request to pound open a gigantic barrel of alcohol for an excited Japanese crowd. "There's some wacky humor going on over there," Pitt observes, sagely. Indeed—we can't wait until Downey Jr's Japanese tour for Tropic Thunder, when he'll be asked to climb a gigantic wall made of chocolate syrup, ladies' underwear, and bees (all while made up in blackface).

• 'I've Been Arrested So Many Times' [Newsweek]

Warner Bros. has finally released some non-paparazzi photos from Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes, and they showcase Downey Jr.'s physique (in an exploration of Holmes's boxing roots) as well as Jude Law as his Watson. Still unseen: Ritchie's provocative new "fiery penis" storyline. Guy, we've got a stunt double who's ready to audition...

• New Photos: Guy Ritchie’s Sherlock Holmes [MTV]

• First Look: Clooney In Goats [thebadandugly.com]

When asked if he had anything to do with the Howard/Cheadle switch, Downey immediately responded, “I had nothing to do with that decision. I love Terrence very very much. That’s all I’ll say because I haven’t talked to him yet.”

Furthermore, the Iron Man star makes it clear that he will not play favorites between the two equally talented actors, so if you’re looking for a juicy “good riddance” quote from Downey [...] you won’t find it here.

“I’ve always admired Don [Cheadle],” said Downey. “It’s one of those situations where I still don’t quite know what happened or why. Here’s what happens too: things happen and you wind up commenting on them before you’ve actually talked to the people and it’s in poor taste.”

Of course we're nothing if not helpful, so here's Howard's account, and here's Marvel's (we think). Please file your response in the comments below; we have a rally to get to!

• EXCLUSIVE: Robert Downey Jr. On Terrence Howard/Don Cheadle ‘Iron Man 2’ Swap [MTV]

Those with intimate knowledge of the situation suggest a far more dramatic backstory: Howard was the first actor signed to the film and, on top of that, was the highest-paid. That's right: more than Gwyneth Paltrow. More than Jeff Bridges. More than Robert Downey Jr. And once the project fully came together, it was too late to renegotiate his deal. It didn't help that, according to one source, Favreau and his producers were ultimately unhappy with Howard's performance, and spent a lot of time cutting and reshooting his scenes.

...As such, when Favreau and screenwriter Justin Theroux went to map out the sequel they found themselves minimizing Howard's story line. Once Marvel learned that Favreau was thinking of curtailing the role, the studio went to the actor's agents with a new and drastically reduced offer — a number that's similar to what supporting cast members were paid for the first movie. The agents, according to sources, were so taken aback by this new figure — estimated at somewhere between a 50 and 80 percent pay cut — that they questioned it.

Yes, it's hard to believe Howard wouldn't take Marvel up on their awkward offer. "Hey, uh, Terrence! So, we're going to start the sequel with you already in the War Machine suit. And, uh, you never come out of it. Plus, no musical number. So, how about $500 grand and a few net points?"

• 'Iron Man 2': How Terrence Howard Lost His Metal [EW]

A source said: "Robert leaped from his armchair and jumped up and down, slapping his crotch and howling, 'Oh God, I'm on fire!' Robert had placed the pipe on a plate on the arm of the chair, but it overbalanced and plopped into his lap, scattering lit tobacco all over his pants."

Luckily, Robert's co-star Jude Law - who plays Holmes' sidekick Dr. Watson in the movie - was on hand to extinguish the flames and save the star from singeing his privates.

The source added: "While Robert was screaming and swatting his pants, quick-thinking Jude saved the day by flinging water from a flower vase at Robert's naughty area."

Ritchie would have acted sooner had he not been attending at that moment to yet another ominous text message from his divorcing wife. Once Downey's desperate screams of, "MY DICK! SOMEONE PUT OUT MY DICK!" had died down, however, the director comforted his star by explaining that he went through a similar trauma daily: Should he have ever climbed into bed without having made peace with Madonna over that day's squabbles, she would slowly pat the propane device on her nightstand, reminding him, "Blowtorch, Guy. Blowtorch."

• Robert Downey Jr's fire crotch [BANG via Monsters and Critics]

Boomp3.com

On the London set of Sherlock Holmes, free spirit Robert Downey Jr. did his best to cheer his director Guy Ritchie up. Partnering up with the effects and stunt departments, Downey crafted a rig that allowed him to fly around the set. A rather glum Ritchie perked up at the sight of Downey soaring majestically, as Downey shouted down, “Relax, Guy. I’m going to fly in this movie, too. People love it when I’m flyin’.”

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Boomp3.com

Sherlock Holmes star Robert Downey Jr and an extremely animated Jude Law took the swingin’ streets of London to help their boss, Guy Ritchie, wash that woman out of his hair with a night on the town. Downey Jr. said, “It’s not going to be a bender. It'll never be a bender, but we're going to have the most fun humanly possible before our 6 a.m. call time. Watch out, world, reformed Kabbalist on the loose!"

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Sort of. After all, can DreamWorks or CAA ever really find consolation in a Tropic Thunder campaign pushing Downey as Best Supporting Actor? They'd better — neither Downey nor Foxx had a shot at Best Actor anyway with Sean Penn (Milk), Josh Brolin (W.), Mickey Rourke (The Wrestler) and Brad Pitt widely foreseen to hold down four of the five slots, and the latter star's Curious Case of Benjamin Button (not to mention, to a lesser degree, Downey's Iron Man performance) already drawing from Paramount's awards war chest.

DreamWorks insiders are still griping over some perceived revenge from Paramount, but even they'd acknowledge that The Soloist is better off with spring prestige all to itself. And that a nominated blackface performance is no doubt one of the least controversial ways to revive public interest in the Oscars. We're pulling for you, RDJ.

• 'Soloist' won't play holiday [Variety]

• 2008 Oscar race turned 'upside-down' [THR]

So who's in and who's out?

· The Soloist: OUT. The move to March 13 stings for everyone, especially with millions in marketing dollars already being spent ahead of the Jamie Foxx/Robert Downey Jr. drama's Nov. 21 release. Both men were on the bubble for actor nominations — Foxx as a schizophrenic cellist and RDJ as the journalist who chronicles his feel-good recovery journey — but Paramount's new conservatism (i.e. an intern hiding Brad Grey's checkbook) means it only has so many in-house resources to lend to its fall releases. The studio's semi-official insistence that the shifts have nothing to do with the film's quality or favoring its homegrown Benjamin Button and Scott Rudin/DreamWorks offering Revolutionary Road, but that's bullshit. It's not 2006 anymore; nobody can afford all this prestige at once.

· Defiance: IN. Barely. Paramount inherited the WWII-era Daniel Craig drama from its lopped-off Vantage arm; but unlike The Soloist, the studio didn't have it on its Oscar-season books until earlier this year. Pushed back from Dec. 12, it'll still get a qualifying run in New York and L.A. before opening wide on Jan. 16 — sort of an afterthought treatment that won't likely sit well with director/producer and biennial Oscar bridesmaid Ed Zwick, but hey: There's always the ShowEast Kodak Award. Congrats again, Ed!

And while we're at it, let's not forget the neglected Weinstein and MGM family:

· The Road: OUT. As noted yesterday, the Weinsteins took it back from MGM only to nudge it from Nov. 14 to an undisclosed release date in December. It's not finished, and the Weinsteins can't promote it; we foresee this one left wailing on someone's doorstep in a basket some time in mid-2009.

· The Reader: IN. It's apparently back on the Weinstein Web site, and Bob Weinstein thinks it's "terrific"! And now without Defiance to contend with, Harvey's Folly may actually have a shot at an audience on Dec. 12. Oscars, though? We're not so sure.

· Valkyrie: IN. Even the MGM Tower receptionist is pulling her weight on the campaign these days. If gold had a smell, Valkyrie would reek.

It's a look that—stop us if we're way off here—is virtually indistinguishable from the one he wore in Chaplin. Like, right down to the bunched up vest and baggy tweed trousers? Hopefully Downey's considerable gifts will help us shake the looming expectation that at any given moment, the detective might sit down to a hearty meal of a leather boot before heading into the London fog to solve The Problem of the One-Legged Beefeater.

[Photo credit: Bauer Griffin]

• Previously: Robert Downey Jr. Vs. Sacha Baron Cohen: A Tale Of Two Holmes [Defamer]