Madsen also took to the pages of the New York Post today to press the same point: There's no way Carradine would kill himself. Carradine's grieving loved ones are clearly trying to protect his memory from the ignominy of suicide. But given the fact that Thai police are now openly suggesting that Carradine died in the course of asphyxiating himself while masturbating or having sex, it seems the best way to protect his memory would be to keep quiet for now. Because the repeated insistence that Carradine would never wrap a rope around his neck with the intent of killing himself begs the question as to why, exactly, he appears to have wrapped that rope around his neck. And his genitals.

Carradine's manager did tell King that he suspected "foul play," and Thai authorities haven't completely ruled out murder. But you can tell from the looks on these guy's faces what they think happened. And if they honestly believed that Carradine was the victim of a heinous crime, you'd think they'd be shouting it from the rooftops.

We were going to say that we hope, for Carradine's sake and for the sake of his family, that he didn't die in the course of auto-erotic asphyxiation or kinky sex. But who are we kidding? It's better than the alternative. But it's all still bad. Which is why, under these circumstances, going on Larry King right now probably isn't the best way to promote his legacy.

boomp3.com

Once great filmmaker Quentin Tarantino filled actors Rob Schneider and Ian Ziering with a false sense of hope at a cocktail party last night. Tarantino talked to the guys for what seemed to be hours about how he had written a couple of parts in his latest script that they'd be perfect for. Yet when Schneider and Ziering attempted to follow up on the project the next day, the number they called had been disconnected. Schneider was not too upset about it, stating that he could just worm his way into another Adam Sandler film. However, Ziering took the news a bit too hard. He stated that he stopped getting his unemployment checks recently, and since he wasn't getting any callbacks regarding the 90210 spin-off, Ziering explained that he may have to pick up a shift at Peets' Coffee in Glendale.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

When Billy e-mailed Lohan asking if everything was OK and if there was anything she wanted him to get out there for her, she responded, "Yes. I am innocent... did not do drugs they're not mine. I was almost hit by my assistant Tarin's mom. I appreciate everyone giving me my privacy."

Unfortunately, the brief, desperate missive to her last friend in the world did not address whether or not the pants she was wearing at the time of her arrest, in which a "small amount of cocaine" was so famously discovered, belonged to her. For now, we'll just have to take her at her word that someone else's drugs mysteriously found their way into her pocket, a plausible scenario that, in fairness, plays itself out dozens of times each night at post-clubbing DUI traffic stops all over Los Angeles.

• Tonight Show [NBC.com]
• Rob Schneider as Lindsay Lohan on TONIGHT SHOW pt1 [YouTube]
• Lindsay Lohan Speaks On The Record To Access [Access Hollywood]

Oka was less thrilled with the stereotypical Japanese character comedian Rob Schneider plays in the new Adam Sandler comedy feature, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, opening Friday.

"I didn't agree with that," said Oka. "It was very funny, but it wasn't smart funny. I don't understand why an Asian guy couldn't have played it. You didn't need to have the (slant) eyes and the buck tooth trying to be a 'yellow face,' as we call it."

Despite Oka's best diplomatic efforts to buffer his pointed accusations of racism by inaccurately describing the performance in question as "very funny," we doubt that will be nearly enough to discourage the legendarily hot-headed comedian from firing off another of his infamous open letters, in which he'll remind the Heroes star—as he did the NY Times after they published an editorial condemning his "leering Hawaiian" character in 50 First Dates—that being 50% Filipino gives the actor free reign to make his comic creations as bucktoothed and slanty-eyed as he wants them to be.

• The peacock parades its stars at NBC bash [USA Today]

In today's Variety, celebrity penpal Rob Schneider has finally followed up* his infamous open letter promising a post-lunch beating to LAT reporter Patrick Goldstein over some unflattering remarks about manwhore masterwork Deuce Bigalow with a full-page, self-promotional, jokey pledge never to work with embattled anti-Semite Mel Gibson. (Excerpt shown, larger, full version here.) As expected from a follow-up project conceived for the sake of commerce rather than art, the sequel lacks the unhinged inspiration of the original, and ends with a disappointing, obligatory third act resolution plugging Schneider's next project, Big Stan, rather than offering an appropriately escalated act of threatened violence against the disgraced star. We suppose we'll just have to wait for next year's vanity ad to see if Schneider will ever recover the open-letter-writing magic of last February, but we fear his best days working in the form are long behind him.

[*We're not counting Schneider's plea for tolerance to the NY Times as a proper follow-up. That was clearly just a little indie project to keep him busy between big-budget gigs.]

• Previously: By Request: Rob Schneider's Attack Ad [Defamer]

• Rob Schneider OK after movie set collapse [AP]

As for my portrayal of Ula, a one-eyed pidgin-talking Hawaiian in "50 First Dates," I based my portrayal on Ula, an actual one-eyed pidgin-talking Tongan who lives in Hawaii. I guess Adam Sandler thought I might be funnier in the role. The real Ula happened to agree with him.

However, I also believe that Hollywood should give roles to the most talented person irrespective of ethnicity, race or in my case "looks."

Rob Schneider
Los Angeles, Dec. 1, 2005

Instead of threatening a beyond-recognition beating of the editorial's writer, he's used the power of his pen to author a rousing, colorblind up-with-talent, down-with-looks-ism plea to his colleagues in Hollywood. Clearly, he's learned an important lesson about turning the other cheek (if not one about public defensiveness) after the ugliness of the Goldstein incident.

• Ethnicity and the Actor [NY Times]
• Previously: By Request: Rob Schneider’s Attack Ad [Defamer]
• Rob Schneider's Attack Ad Not Well-Researched [Defamer]

Press awards went to Patrick Goldstein of the L.A. Times [emphasis ours] and Italian journalist Alessandra Venezia; Disney studio toppertopper Dick Cook received the motion picture showmanship award from Julie Andrews, and former Fox TV Entertainment Group head Sandy Grushow received the TV showmanship award from Kiefer Sutherland.

We guess that's the thing about attack ads: They're done in the heat of the moment. When you're blind with rage and taking a Hollywood jackhammer to a crippled kitten, do you stop to make sure it's really dead?

[There's a pdf version of the ad here as well.]

• 'Pirates' sails at PR awards [Variety]


• By Request: Rob Schneider’s Attack Ad [Defamer]

(After reading the ad, you can see the remark by the LAT's Patrick Goldstein that precipitated Schneider's nuclear assault.)

Dear Patrick Goldstein, Staff Writer for the Los Angeles Times,

My name is Rob Schneider and I am responding to your January 26th front page cover story in the LA Times, where you used my upcoming sequel to 'Deuce Bigalow' as an example of why Hollywood Studios are lagging behind the Independents in Academy nominations. According to your logic, Hollywood Studios are too busy making sequels like "Deuce Bigalow' instead of making movies that you would like to see.

Well Mr. Goldstein, as far as your snide comments about me and my film not being nominated for an Academy Award, I decided to do some research to find what awards you have won.

I went online and found that you have won nothing. Absolutely nothing. No journalistic awards of any kind, Disappointed, I went to the Pulitzer Prize database of past winners and nominees. I though, surely, there must be an omission. I typed in the name Patrick Goldstein and again, zippo—nada. No Pulitzer Prizes or nominations for a 'Mr. Patrick Goldstein.' There was, however, a nomination for an Amy Goldstein. I contacted Ms. Goldstein in Rhode Island, she assured me she was not an alias of yours and in fact like most of the World had no idea of your existence.

Frankly, I am surprised the LA Times would hire someone like you with so few or, actually, no accolades to work on their front page. Surely there must be a larger talent pool for the LA Times to draw from. Perhaps, someone who has at least won a 'Cable Ace Award.'

Maybe, Mr. Goldstein, you didn't win a Pulitzer Prize because they haven't invented a category for "Best Third-Rate, Unfunny Pompous Reporter, Who's Never Been Acknowledged By His Peers!"

Patrick, I can honestly say that if I sat you your colleagues at a luncheon, afterwards, they'd say "You know, that Rob Schneider is a pretty intelligent guy, I hope we can do that again." Whereas, if you sat with my colleagues, after lunch, you would just be beaten beyond recognition.

For the record, Patrick, your research is shabby as well. My next film is not 'Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo 2.' It's 'Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo,' in theaters EVERYWHERE August 12th 2005.

All my best,
Rob Schneider

What Patrick Goldstein wrote: [sub. req'd for full article]

It's a funny thing, but today's movie studios are no longer in the Oscar business. If there's one common thread among this year's five best picture nominees, it's that they were largely financed by outside investors. The most money any studio put into one of the nominees was the $21 million that Miramax anted up for "Finding Neverland." The other nominated films were orphans — ignored, unloved and turned down flat by most of the same studios that eagerly remake dozens of old TV series (aren't you looking forward to a bigger, dumber version of "The Dukes of Hazzard"?) or bankroll hundreds of sequels, including a follow-up to "Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo," a film that was sadly overlooked at Oscar time because apparently nobody had the foresight to invent a category for Best Running Penis Joke Delivered by a Third-Rate Comic.

• This year, the safe bets are off [LAT, sub. req'd.]