Ok!
"How I Lost 41 Lbs Without Surgery!"
As you may know — because The View has been covering it extensively — Sherri Shepherd was on a diet and fitness plan. The only way that this story is different from the usual celebrity diet story is there's a picture with tuna on a salad as a lunch suggestion, instead of chicken. Also, Sherri doesn't want to get a breast reduction, because those are the boobs God gave her. Moving on: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart cuddled at a Kings Of Leon concert and — "while the band played 'Sex On Fire' — sucked serious face." Lindsay Lohan was being considered for a movie version of the novel Undiscovered Gyrl, but the author says that LL's fame and baggage would work against her. The book is about a teen blogging about her sexual coming-of-age, and Miley Cyrus is interested, but the author thinks Miley is too wholesome. Lastly: "Jen Tells Renée: You Can Have Bradley." Jennifer Aniston and Bradley Cooper were both seeing other people when they went on their date; Jen is bored the whole thing and is fine with Bradley dating Renée. "She's less interested in Renée than in why she'd choose a guy who'd be interested in someone like Renée. She's disappointed in herself more than anything…"
Grade: F (mystery meat with freezer burn)

Star
"Celebs Who Beat Cellulite!" BREAKING: Cellulite happens. And it's fun for some mags to ignore the big picture and just pick apart a woman's anatomy! Still our LEAST favorite kind of cover story, and we've bared our dimpled asses for the world to see! Uma Thurman had "lymphatic drainage massage." Britney Spears ate turkey burgers and worked out. Jennifer Love Hewitt started working out four to five times a week. Jennifer Lopez and Victoria Beckham increased their workout frequencies; Amanda Bynes no longer eats pizza at midnight. And so forth. Then there is the section called "Cellu-Losers," with the subhead "Don't Give Up, Girls!" where the magazine had to try really really hard to find cellulite on Tara Reid, Kristin Cavallari and Annalynne McCord. There are no men in this eight-page extravaganza, by the by. Moving on: Jamie-Lynn Spears and Gwyneth Paltrow were both spotted not wearing marriage/engagement rings. Report them to the relationship cops! Lookee: High school yearbook photos (Fig. 1). Blind item! "Which comedian's not-so-funny sexual comments caused his costar to walk off the set of their upcoming film? The crew found it hysterical, but the target had to be begged to come back." Justin Ross Lee, the "Facebook celebrity" who photographed Ashley Olsen while she was on a plane, recently shared a five-hour flight from LA to NYC with Brad Pitt, and snapped pix of the actor sleeping and eating, then sold them to Star. Kourtney Kardashian's family wants her to dump baby daddy Scott Disick, who has cheated on her in the past. They broke off their engagement because he wouldn't stop flirting with other women. KK thinks the pregnancy is great for raising her profile and wants to open a children's clothing store in L.A. and design a maternity line. Re: Kate Gosselin and the cops: Apparently Cara And Mady saw Jon Gosselin getting touchy-feely with the babysitter, Stephanie Santoro, and freaked out and called their mom. A source says that Stephanie is the one who called the cops. The mag includes an interview with Stephanie's former boyfriend, who says she has a thing for married men and got pregnant by a guy she was working for. Lastly: An inspired Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart headline: "Total Eclipse Of The Heart."
Grade: D- (frozen peas)

In Touch:
"The Fight To End All Fights."
Trouble in paradise for Tom and Katie! Tom Cruise went to visit Katie Holmes while she was filming in Australia. First they argued because he stopped to greet fans on his way to see her; she flipped out and he stormed off the set. The next fight was at their hotel, where Tom was watching Suri and she wanted to watch cartoons instead of going for a walk with him. He thinks Katie is spoiling Suri because she works long hours and by the time she comes home, she's tired and just lets Suri do whatever she wants. Dr. Gilda Carle, who does not treat Tom or Katie, says: Suri is learning that relationships between men and women involve squabbling. And that Katie was "lost in lust" during the courtship, but now they're both surprised/disappointed by one another's behavior. And! Tom and Katie need therapy. Moving on: Britney is "once again displaying dangerous mood swings" since she had a "crazed" 15-minute shopping spree where her eyes were "glassy." Why is Brad Pitt drinking so much? He was smashed at the premiere of The Time Traveler's Wife, which he produced. Angelina refused to go to the premiere because Brad bought it as a vehicle for himself and then-wife Jennifer Aniston, and Jen called to wish him luck before the premiere, which made Angie "hit the roof." An insider says Brad is having a "sort of mid life crisis" since he joked recently, "I'm just a drunk." Next: "Have These Stars Had Boob Jobs?" is a closer look at the chests of Jennifer Aniston, Anna Faris, Drew Barrymore, Brooke Hogan, Leona Lewis, Haylie Duff and Ciara.
Grade: D (half-melted Creamsicles)

Us
"Why He Chose Renée"
So. Bradley Cooper and Renée Zellweger: "It's on," says a source. This article was written by someone on Team Renée, because it is very derogatory towards Jennifer Aniston. A source says Jen feels "rejected and upset" and "screwed over" and "doesn't see what Renée has that she doesn't." But! Another source points out that guys like Renée because she is "so no-drama," "she just does her thing, has her life, and is cool." Also: "She's really happy, she doesn't need anyone to feel complete. She isn't absorbed by Hollywood." Whereas Jennifer "won't date a normal guy. She goes after the hottest thing of the moment - -what she knows will get her the most time in the spotlight." And! Bradley Cooper once said, when it comes to a woman: "I'd say authenticity is the only prerequisite." Apparently Jennifer Aniston is "not natural" and everything she does "is an act." Renée is "super fun" and is always "laughing and optimistic about life." And! "People want to be with her because she makes them happy." Moving along: Michelle Trachtenberg and Jason Segel: Spotted "all over each other." Kate Gosselin was at a hotel with her bodyguard and they signed in as "The Michaels." So the speculation is that there's something going on there and she's been hiding it. Also, Jon thinks she's less than truthful about finances.
Grade: D+ (Fla-Vor-Ice)

Life & Style
"He's A Dirtbag." In an interview, Kate Major says that she and Jon Gosselin had three sexual encounters. "He was a great kisser, " she says. "It was amazing…" At some point they kissed in a car and Jon asked her what she thought it would be like if they slept together. She says: "We kissed, we hugged, we held hands, he'd hold me when we were asleep. I have nothing bad to say about him intimacy-wise. But I will say he likes to play." Then on July 29 he dumped her and said he was going to stay with Hailey Glassman. Kate says: "He totally screwed me over and acted like a dirtbag." And! "Looking back now it was all pretty much sexual and that's all he had in mind." YOU THINK? The mag has a headline: "He Treats Women Like Servants — And Takes Them For Fast Food." That's because Kate Major had to pick up his dry cleaning and like McDonald's for breakfast. KM says she resigned from her job at Star because he told her he'd hire her as a personal assistant. He said he was going to Massachusetts to break up with Hailey; but then sent KM a message that said "Do not contact me again." Next: Interested in the coverline "Shiloh Saved A Village Of Kids!" ? You may be disappointed to learn that she didn't do it alone: When the little Jolie-Pitt was born, Angie and Brad sold the pictures for $4 million. Part of that money went towards 72 bicycles for two schools in Namibia. It used to take the students 2 hours to get to school, and they'd get home after dark, etc. Now, with bikes, everything is much better, and one of the kids says: "I think Angelina Jolie must be a saint. She must be a holy person." The Robert Pattinson/Kristen Stewart "make out" pictures are so vague that they require arrows (Fig. 2). Lastly: "Do Stars Eat Less Than We Do?" features Tori Spelling. She has cereal for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch, and lamb chops for dinner, and snacks on avocados. They estimate she eats about 2,043 calories a day, and is healthy.
Grade: C (broken Eskimo Pie)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Ah, sad. The talented-ish Eric Roberts has stooped to doing the second season of the Starz Channel's awful series Crash. Based on the awful movie, the awful series features the awful Dennis Hopper as an awful man. The series also stars the awfully unfortunate Julie Warner, who was supposed to be an awful big star an awfully long time ago. [Variety]

Oh, fun. Amy Poehler has been tapped to star in Lunch Lady, a movie based on an upcoming series of graphic novels about a lunch lady who's a secret superhero. Sounds just about perfect for the crazed, whimsical Ms. Poehler. [THR]

Renee Zellweger has left CAA for the newly-formed superagency William Morris Endeavor. She's hoping for more Chicago and less New In Town. So are we. [Variety]

After a brief stumble, Conan O'Brien's Tonight Show ratings are back on top. So, that's over. [THR]

Michael Cunningham, the Pulitzer-winning author of The Hours, has just had a screenplay optioned. No, it's not some sweeping ladydrama. It's a horror movie about a newly-hot high school girl and her murderous, obsessive English teacher. Cunningham told reporters "While I was writing about Virginia Wolff, my mind was never far removed from the idea of girls in bikinis being hacked up by guys wearing hockey masks, and I vowed that if I ever had a good idea, I would write one of these scary movies." Which is kind of fun! And kind of weird. [Variety]

Who cares? We do! Joy Behar, often the lone voice of reason on The View (Whoopi is just too apathetic to be reasonable), will host her own primetime talk show on HLN (used to be Headline News) starting this fall. So you'll get her five days a week in the morning on The Clambake, and then seven days a week at night on The Joy Behar Show. The only way you could get more Joy Behar in your life is if she moved into your spare room. Would you like Joy Behar to move into your spare room? Because it's not out of the question. [THR]

The once-rising Brittany Murphy has joined the cast of Something Wicked, a thriller currently being shot in Oregon. She'll costar alongside John Robinson and Shantel VanSanten. Yes, the Shantel VanSanten. [THR]

Image via Getty

That's what the latest Renée Zellweger romcom New In Town faces upon opening this Friday, with early word from one critic urging the "good people of Minnesota" to "Stand up! Fight back! Take back your state and your culture and your accent!" Another critic, still reeling from his subjection to Zellweger's turn as an icy Miami executive who discovers love on a wintry northern business expedition, wrote his entire review in the film's condescending Townspeople dialect: "Her corporate-speak pretnear starts a riot. I'm tellin' ya, da guys are so worried 'bout losin' der jobs dey treat Lucy like a gopher who got into da garbage, donchaknow."

Distributor Lionsgate, meanwhile, is doing all it can to mend the breach threatening its January delivery — including marketing kingpin Tim Palen's staunchest "tug-on-the-ovary" test-screening efforts profiled last week in The New Yorker:

After the screening, Palen listened carefully to the focus group. Then, on the escalator down from the theater, he said, “They weren’t talking about Renée Zellweger, but she was the reason they came, because she’s a movie star. So if we’re out on Super Bowl weekend as counter-programming—trying to get women—the trailer has to be about her and be all shellacked and lacquered. Though I wonder if Fargo meets Baby Boom might be more relatable, with the downsizing everyone’s experiencing.” I mentioned that Blanche (Siobhan Fallon Hogan), Zellweger’s administrative assistant at the plant, had got many of the biggest laughs. “Droll and folksy reads as quaint, reads as art house,” Palen said. “I love Blanche, but I can’t sell her.”

"Fargo meets Baby Boom"? Ugh. Now even the Minnesotans won't buy it.

• 'New In Town' [Rotten Tomatoes]

• The Cobra [The New Yorker]

While we highly, highly suggest you take the time to read the entire story, here are some revelations from people who make trailers, manipulating moments from flicks:

“The most common comment you hear from filmmakers after we’ve done our work is ‘This is not my movie,’” Terry Press, a consultant who used to run marketing at Dreamworks SKG, says. “I’d always say, ‘You’re right—this is the movie America wants to see.’”

But what about you, the modern woman? Oh, the marketers know all about you:

The collective wisdom is that young males like explosions, blood, cars flying through the air, pratfalls, poop jokes, “you’re so gay” banter, and sex—but not romance. Young women like friendship, pop music, fashion, sarcasm, sensitive boys who think with their hearts, and romance—but not sex (though they like to hear the naughty girl telling her friends about it). They go to horror films as much as young men, but they hate gore; you lure them by having the ingénue take her time walking down the dark hall.

That is, of course, only if you are under 25. If you're over 25, you fall into a different "quadrant" of marketing. You're "older."

Older women like feel-good films and Nicholas Sparks-style weepies: they are the core audience for stories of doomed love and triumphs of the human spirit. They enjoy seeing an older woman having her pick of men; they hate seeing a child in danger. Particularly once they reach thirty, these women are the most “review-sensitive”: a chorus of critical praise for a movie aimed at older women can increase the opening weekend’s gross by five million dollars. In other words, older women are discriminating, which is why so few films are made for them.

The marketer at the heart of this article, Tim Palen, was working on a new Renée Zellweger new film, Chilled in Miami, and trying to figure out how to get people to watch it. After a screening, Palen worried:

“They weren’t talking about Renée Zellweger, but she was the reason they came, because she’s a movie star. So if we’re out on Super Bowl weekend as counter-programming—trying to get women—the trailer has to be about her and be all shellacked and lacquered. Though I wonder if ‘Fargo’ meets ‘Baby Boom’ might be more relatable, with the downsizing everyone’s experiencing.” I mentioned that Blanche (Siobhan Fallon Hogan), Zellweger’s administrative assistant at the plant, had got many of the biggest laughs. “Droll and folksy reads as quaint, reads as art house,” Palen said. “I love Blanche, but I can’t sell her.”

So how do you sell a Renée Zellweger movie? The New Yorker's Tad Friend writes:

He had been working to make a compelling trailer, using David Schneiderman, at Seismic Productions, who cut trailers for “The Devil Wears Prada” and “Sex and the City.” Paul Brooks wanted the trailer to be primarily comedic, but Palen felt that it needed an emotional through-line, “the stuff that tugs on the ovary.” Schneiderman says that Palen’s reaction to his first pass “was the worst: ‘Where’s the Mary Tyler Moore?’ He said, ‘This girl goes to this little town in Minnesota and she’s a cold person, and they warm her up, right? More warmth, more style, more “Devil Wears Prada.” ’ And I said, ‘I don’t know where that is in the movie.’ And he said, ‘Create it.’”

By the end of the piece, Chilled In Miami has the more straight-forward title New In Town; the poster features red, Devil Wears Prada-esque shoes and a Louis Vuitton suitcase (Palen shot the photograph himself; whether the shoes or the luggage actually appear in the film is unclear), and the trailer, writes Friend, "made me want to see the movie, even though I’d already seen it. It looked like fun."

Letter From California: The Cobra [The New Yorker]

EW polled its stand-in Academy on five specific years (2003, 1998, 1993, 1988, and 1983) and the six biggest categories therein (each actor slot, as well as Picture and Director). Only seven of the thirty original wins were revoked, and the sole non-acting substitution was Saving Private Ryan over Shakespeare in Love for 1998's Best Picture.

The other six new "champs" were evenly split between actors and actresses. In the revised Supporting Actor races, Geoffrey Rush (Shakespeare in Love) trumped actual winner James Coburn (Affliction) in 1998, while the redone 1993 would steal the Oscar from Tommy Lee Jones (The Fugitive) and hand it to Ralph Fiennes for Schindler's List. The oldest revision? 1988, which traded real winner Geena Davis (The Accidental Tourist) for Frances McDormand (Mississippi Burning). No one lost their Oscars in 1983 because nobody remembers any movie from that year besides Terms of Endearment.

But enough about those nobodies! Here are the only three bits of schadenfreude big enough for a hungry populace to sink their teeth into: controversial Oscar winners Gwyneth Paltrow (Shakespeare in Love), Renée Zellweger (Cold Mountain) and Roberto Benigni (Life is Beautiful) were all junked for Cate Blanchett (Elizabeth), Shohreh Aghdashloo (House of Sand and Fog), and Edward Norton (American History X), respectively. You liked them (before you didn't)! You really liked them (before you really didn't)!

• Oscar Do-overs: The Results of EW's 'Recall the Gold' Project [EW]

Boomp3.com

The unusually warm fall weather must’ve gotten the best of Renee Zellweger at the Los Angeles premiere of Appaloosa. As the Jerry Maguire star sauntered down the red carpet, she tugged and pulled the shoulder portion of her designer gown further off her neck and shoulder region. “It’s a lovely piece," Zellweger said. "But those things were smothering me like a bad boyfriend. You know: The kind that apologizes for every thing and, you know, just smothers.” As Zellweger reached the end of the red carpet, the temperature dropped a bit and she began to hike the shoulder portion back over her exposed flesh. “Sometimes," Zellweger added, "we make mistakes and we need a bit of coverage, like when you take back that smothering boyfriend. All he was guilty of was caring.”

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Boomp3.com

Normally, a crippling fear of spilling her drink order consumes Grey’s Anatomy star Ellen Pompeo on her daily Starbucks run. Instead, the baristas must’ve assumed that when she used the name, “Ellen” it was a fake name and that her real name is Renee, as in Renee Zelllweger. Pompeo tried to laugh off the case of mistaken identity, but it really got to her. Pompeo confessed, “We’re both awesome and blonde, but that’s it. That’s where the similarities end. We’re nothing alike. Two completely different people.”

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

We're troubled, however, to read for what feels like the the thousandth time that the ladies aren't quite measuring up:

In an era where risk-averse studio executives have declared men the more reliable movie stars—and the more desirable moviegoers—perhaps it's no surprise that they are also the medium's top earners. The reality: Hollywood's 10 best-paid actors out-earned Hollywood's 10 best-paid actresses 2-to-1 over the course of the year.

Collectively, the big screen's leading men took home an estimated $487 million between June 1, 2007, and June 1, 2008, compared with the leading ladies' haul of $244.5 million.

However, in an even more revealing Forbes slideshow for the prose-impaired, we discovered that actresses fared much better in the "Ultimate Payback" category, which calculates the best gross-to-salary ratios in the biz. While a pre-Fred Claus Vince Vaughn ranked #1, Julia Roberts, Naomi Watts, Jennifer Aniston, Renee Zellweger and Jodie Foster cracked the top 15 as well. (That'll happen when you're relatively underpaid; top-earning actress Cameron Diaz is way down at #32.) Prepare yourself for Christian Bale's controversial post-Dark Knight ascent, followed by the touching, accompanying profile of how the strapping star went from clown's son to box-office powerhouse.

• Hollywood's Best-Paid Actors [Forbes]
• The Ultimate Star Payback [Forbes]

"I learned a lot from working with [Renée]," he said. "She was so tough. I would hear the director say, 'Cut' and then wait for instructions; she would demand another 15 takes until she was absolutely happy with the scene. These leading ladies have it tough: they have to be girly enough to remain attractive but retain a steeliness to get their own way too. Plus, they seem to starve themselves all day to stay in shape."

Next came a role opposite Julia Roberts in Mona Lisa Smile. "The movie didn't make much sense. We would be given new scenes to film out of the blue which, it transpired, had been written by Julia's agent, who was doubling as a producer," he says. "I don't know what anyone was doing there. No one seemed to enjoy it. Especially not Julia. She had just got married and just wanted to be off having sex with her husband. Trouble was, she had married the cameraman on the movie. You can't really relax in a sex scene when the husband is staring right at you."

Perhaps West might consider starting a support group for non-porn actors scarred by their experiences of having to perform in front of their co-stars' significant others. We know Scott Speedman still wakes up in cold night sweats, reliving the nightmarish time director Len Wiseman kept shouting, "More animal! I want to see you impale her with your hairy weremember!" from behind a monitor as he oversaw Underworld: Evolution's steamy inter-monster sex scene with his wife, Kate Beckinsale.

• 'I just did my best De Niro impression' [Guardian.co.uk via HuffPo]

”Which singing ex-husband of an A-list actress would rather have people think he's gay than admit that he cheated on her with a groupie?”

Okay, so coming up with three prime suspects is the first hurdle, but trying to imagine any of these guys meriting actual groupies? Who are these women? See what we mean after the jump.

Julia Roberts' honky tonk ex Lyle Lovett was hated on mostly for not being as pretty as his toothy wife, and Chris Robinson has made an effort to publicly make out with brunettes in an effort to prove he's moved on from Kate Hudson. And as we said, we find it hard to believe that throngs of busty female fans are heaving themselves into either song-and-dance man's dressing room. Which, naturally, leads us to vanilla-scented candle fan Kenny Chesney, the "fraud" long suspected of favoring boys over the likes of ex Renee Zellweger. Chesney has been outed so often that he felt the need to appear alongside totally manly Anderson Cooper last year and de-out himself, only to appear that much more out. Still, even with the possibility that Chesney may attract a groupie here and there, is Renee Zellweger so scary that a country singer would rather appear gay than ruffle her feathers? Oh right. Nevermind.

[Photo credits: HCLW, Listverse, Splash]

• SIDE DISH [NYDN]

According to the not-yet-out piece, The Hills’ Audrina Patridge, nude photo aficionado and recent recipient of a brand new pair of boobs, is so focused on maintaining her widely-seen curves that she sports those 4-inch health-impairing stilettos every Sex And The City fan thinks will turn them into Carrie Bradshaw while cleaning house. And thin-as-a-rail Friday Night Lights star Minka Kelly uncomfortably yammers on about how she once weighed in at an apparently unacceptable 135 pounds and “literally stopped eating...I’d do Bikram yoga and go to bed. I lost 15 pounds in one month.” We hope the John Mayer tossaway can forgive us for not immediately rising to our feet and giving Minka a standing ovation.

Even picky sperm selector Denise Richards goes overboard in her interview, treating the TVG reporter like a shrink and leaning on her oft-used plea for pity by referencing her recently passed mother: “After my mom died last year, I gained at least 10 pounds. I know because TMZ was kind enough to publish pictures of me looking very, very soft in the stomach.” How refreshing to discover the secret to overcoming grief caused by the death of a family member: just obsessively google images of yourself in a bikini and concentrating on going down a jean size or two! As for the self-professed chunky toddler, A.C. Slater-turned-reality-trash-host Mario Lopez says he “never feels awake unless I’m sweating,” and tells the mag he exercises “for a minimum of one hour a day.” Which sounds about right, considering his current career responsibilities are limited to applying hair gel before “judging” street dance crews alongside J.C. Chasez!

[Photo credits: Getty]

• TV GUIDE [TVG]

To that end, Defamer worked with a trio of Marilyn Monroe experts in an effort to get to the bottom of Keya Morgan's outrageous claims. The team of Mark Bellinghaus (one of the foremost Marilyn Monroe experts/collectors in the world), Ernest W. Cunningham (author of The Ultimate Marilyn) and freelance journalist Jennifer J. Dickinson to put together the following piece. It's one of the longer pieces that we have ever published at Defamer, but we think that it's well worth your time. And with that, please enjoy. — MDG

DEBUNKING THE MARILYN MONROE "SEX TAPE" HOAX
By Mark Bellinghaus, Ernest W. Cunningham and Jennifer J. Dickinson

On June 26, 1952, Marilyn Monroe testified in court (as pictured) to protect her own reputation from accusations that a mail order pornography ring was selling pictures of her and that she was a participant in this process through solicitation of sales by letter writing. Along with her attorney, she debunked these claims and the pictures themselves, and the two men who created this scam were found guilty of misdemeanor charges, and Marilyn Monroe's name and reputation were cleared.

Nearly 56 years following her own victorious court appearance, Monroe's name is once again being affiliated with a fabricated pornographic claim. Now it is time to have the name Marilyn Monroe cleared once again of false allegations.

Keya Morgan, 38, New York City based memorabilia collector, has spawned a rumor of 16 mm film footage said to be Marilyn Monroe engaging in oral sex with an unknown male participant in the early 1950's when she was just a starlet. Morgan claims that this is an illicit copy of an FBI classified film of which a copy was made before the original was confiscated by the Feds. According to Mr. Morgan, he brokered the sale of this claimed 15 minute lasting reel to a wealthy New York Businessman for $1.5 million.

"You can see instantly that it's Marilyn Monroe," said Morgan—"she has the famous mole. She's smiling, she's very charming, she's very radiant, but she's known for being radiant."

The happy buyer of this supposed film chooses to remain anonymous but says he has no plans to market the tape. Morgan states: "He's just going to lock it up."

This tale of the sex tape follows on the heels of last month's Marilyn scandal, in which a fellow in Las Vegas called a news conference to display an unknown photo of nude Marilyn, but it turned out to be just nude Madonna. Please click here and here to read our reports on this story.

The real "Marilyn Monroe Nude" pictures are well-documented. She posed nude on red velvet for photographer Tom Kelley on May 27, 1949—photos that showed up for years on calendars and in lawsuits. Lawsuits for obscenity usually turned out to be the Kelley nudes, and were dismissed.

About this same time a short nudie film called The Apple, Knockers, and the Coke Bottle, began making the rounds. It's composed of grainy footage of a bare-chested young woman amusing herself -she's Arline Hunter, a Marilyn lookalike but clearly not Marilyn.

When a journalist or a tabloid show stumbles over a nude photo or nude film footage, the immediate response is usually Marilyn! Or Unseen Marilyn! Or Nude Marilyn!

But if it's not a Tom Kelley red velvet photo or Marilyn in the "Something's Got to Give" nude swim, then it's Arline Hunter and her apple.

If it's none of those, then it's pornography, and it's not Marilyn. She didn't go there.

There are too many holes in the Keya Morgan story. Having talked with Mr. Morgan in our own interview over the phone in the summer of 2007, he spoke quickly and non-stop of his planned television documentary, of conspiracy theories into Monroe's death, and about his alleged friendships with all three Monroe husbands. He claims he was one of the last people to speak to James Dougherty and gave the similar scenario about Dougherty's final words as has been rumored about Joe DiMaggio - that both former spouses on their deathbed spoke about seeing Marilyn on the other side.

In general Mr. Morgan was a name dropper, especially when it came to those notorious for supporting the conspiracy theories involved with the story of Marilyn Monroe. However, he wove into our conversation his claim that he dated Mariah Carey and Renée Zellweger.

The most recent sensationalism of this supposedly existing film footage generated by Mr. Morgan, ties in with the usual opportunistic conspiracy theories that are out there. What Keya Morgan is promoting equates to questionable stories generated simply to sell another book or push another cheesy documentary. Just looking at Mr. Morgan's cast list is enough to know that this is more of the same conspiracy rehash. There's John Miner, Jack Clemmons and Thomas Noguchi, who have changed their stories over the years and cashed in on the various Marilyn Monroe murder theories by being featured in books, articles and television specials.

Keya Morgan went on and on when we were on the phone, speaking of this usual cast of characters. At the time of our conversation with him, we immediately discerned that he was one of them only out to exploit Marilyn Monroe and to come up with something new to fuel the rumor mill of her life.

Yet Keya Morgan claims he would not have gotten his name involved in this latest story, if there was harm to Marilyn Monroe. But he is already too late - Keya Morgan himself is causing harm to the legacy of Marilyn Monroe by creating this outrageous and absurd fantasy (he did not participate in it—he created it!).

There are a few questions that one must immediately ask, the litmus test that proves Mr. Morgan's story about the supposed sex tape to be as bogus as the one caused by the perpetrators against Marilyn Monroe in 1952.

· The film was supposedly made of Marilyn Monroe as a starlet. If filmed in this time period of Monroe's life, why would the feds have cared about the activities of a young starlet, considering that Marilyn Monroe had not reached the heights of fame at the time this footage was claimed to have been filmed?

· "You see instantly that it's Marilyn Monroe - she has the famous mole." This is a quote by Keya Morgan, which is one of the flimsiest pieces of evidence ever presented. Just because this alleged film has a person with a mole, it's instantly Marilyn Monroe?

· Essentially Morgan is claiming that this is a bootleg copy of a classified FBI film. So if an original is classified, why would the FBI allow this public brouhaha in the press and not stop this sale from taking place? Why would this film copy not be destroyed?

Keya Morgan claims to respect Joe DiMaggio (it is alleged that DiMaggio tried to pay the informant $25,000 for the film and the offer was refused), and Marilyn Monroe even greater. Then why would Mr. Morgan allow this sale considering his "respect" of DiMaggio and Monroe? If he was such a collector looking to protect Marilyn Monroe especially, why would he not keep this supposed film safely in his own collection?

Stay tuned, but you're sure to learn nothing new from the Keya Morgan upcoming documentary, except the usual repetitive death theories (namely, that she was murdered). And Keya Morgan's time in the spotlight for this recent spin is nothing more than an opportunity for him to do just that - soak up some extra time in the limelight with his invented story about a fake flick, at the expense of the legacy of Marilyn Monroe.

Mark Bellinghaus is the leading Marilyn Monroe expert and official expert witness in the Queen Mary/Marilyn Monroe fraud Class Action Lawsuit; Ernest W. Cunningham is the author of 'The Ultimate Marilyn' and plaintiff in the Queen Mary/Marilyn Monroe Fraud Class Action Lawsuit; Jennifer J. Dickinson is a journalist based in New Jersey and a mother of two.

[Photo: Marilyn Monroe, pictured with her attorney on June 26, 1952 testifying in her own defense in Los Angeles Court, when there were accusations that pictures of her were being sold in a pornography ring. It turned out that the accusations were bogus, as were the pictures, and two men who created this scandal were found guilty.

Credit: The Mark Bellinghaus Marilyn Monroe Collection]

Renee made yet another tight-lipped and prim appearance for the photographers on the carpet, but couldn't quite stay balanced leaving the after-party in Mayfair. Looks as though she even needed the assistance of far-meatier arms to make it to her ride intact.

Once inside her car, we catch a glimpse of a very Britney Spears-esque lipstick stain on her neck. We don't know which is more disturbing: the possibility that Renee partook in some girl-on-girl action or that she got so drunk she nodded off and stained herself.

Either way, we are happy she appeared to make it home in one "squiffy" and "tiddly" piece.

[Photo Credits: Isoimages, Big Pictures, Matrix, Wireimage via The Daily Mail]

• SQUIFFY RENEE ZELLWEGER ENJOYS THE POST-PREMIERE PARTY V. V. MUCH [Daily Mail]

• WATCH VIDEO

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That cocksure smile of George Clooney says what we're all thinking. Namely, Clooney Sandwich.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

Nicole has the same trouble expressing concern as MJ....

Goldie Hawn shares his tendency to maniacally smile at the camera...

Renee's lemon-sucking lips are eerily similar to his...

And Teri just looks as though she must have ordered The Michael Deluxe off the plastic surgery menu.

[Photo Credits: Getty and Wire Image]

• BOTOX IS TURNING NICOLE KIDMAN INTO A 'BAT FACE' SAYS COSEMTIC GURU [Daily Mail]

"One of Hollywood's dirty little secrets is the 'IV diet', in which celebrities check themselves into hospital to get put on an IV so they can avoid eating altogether."

Lindsay Lohan's multiple "exhaustion"-related stays in various asthma wards comes to mind, as does GurneyGate, both the original and the sequel. But the guessing games don't end there. Apparently an actress on the set of Cold Mountain only ate two or three boiled eggs a day (picking between Nicole and Renee is a toughie, since even smushed together they barely fill out one normal person's jeans), and another was so addicted to the gym that she wound up spending her birthday there. Despite the loony techniques, we'd still sleep better at night thinking Britney may be maniacally climbing simulated stairs at Crunch rather than maniacally ordering Cheetos and laxatives at the closest 24-hour pharm.

[Photo Credits: The Superficial, Inkling Blog, Celeb Warship]

• THE BIZARRE DIET SECRETS OF THE STARS [Daily Mail]

First, we present the predictable lot: Courtney Love, who Us claims "supported herself by stripping" after not fitting in at the girls reform school she attended. Then there's (RIP) Anna Nicole Smith, whose sordid past will soon be making its way to a television screen near you, followed by rapper Eve, who Us quotes as saying, "The money was good...I don't regret it at all."

But about those three Oscar noms? As for the guys, Brad Pitt and Javier Bardem, we'd pay good money for those shows. But Renee? Eh, ten years ago maybe, but we fear a pole could quite possibly break her in half these days.

[Photo Credits: Wireimage]

• STARS' SECRET STRIPPER PASTS [Us]

Though we can't get any sense of whether or not Nic can dance, she has been known to boogie on a banquette or two to the crowd's approval. But after listening to the song, we're rooting for Nicole's chances on landing the part. And noticing how vastly better Nicole's personal and professional life is going compared to former upper-handed BFF Paris Hilton (a baby, a role in a Fosse musical, a devoted boyf, and finally some meat on her bones), we're on Team Richie, all the way.

• NICOLE RICHIE OFFERED LEAD ROLE IN 'CHICAGO' [Us]

· Renee Zellweger is close to a deal to star in My One and Only, a road picture based on a story permabronzed raconteur George Hamilton once told Merv Griffin about his mom's hunt for a sugardaddy willing to provide the good life to her and her sons. [Variety]
· Lost executive producer Carlton Cuse hopes to squeeze in five more episodes this season, whether or not there's enough time to figure out where they left things before the strike. [THR]
· NBC continues to dominate a still strike-plagued Monday night behind 90-minutes blocks of American Gladiators and Deal or No Deal, with the latter show recently resorting to placing $1 million prizes in each of the show's 26 briefcases in an attempt to keep ratings high. [Variety]