Jon and Kate say they're "separating!" They never mentioned the word "divorce." So does that mean there's hope? Oh, who are we kidding—As if we care!

You all do know what this means, right? TLC will create a Jon and Kate Plus 8 spinoff, so they'll each have their own shows, which will run back to back on the same night. Are you ready for Kate Plus 8 and Jon Plus 8? That's how you maximize advertising baby! And America will certainly slurp it all up, every last drop.

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From ETOnline:

"…Relationships are tough. Then you add fame and money on top of that. Then people and tabloids and gossip and blogs — put all of that stuff on top — it's tough," Tyler tells Essence magazine.

To avoid confusion: The Mrs. Right Tyler is searching for is not Yolanda Right, an Atlanta mother-of-two with whom the Family That Preys star mistakenly swapped sack-dresses at the dry cleaners, but rather an actual woman with whom he can settle down and start a family.

• Tyler Perry on Finding Mrs. Right [ET Online]

Beyond joining Madonna for regular Kabbalah studies, working "to enrich his wife's emotional [...] well-being," and agreeing to resolve conflicts with the easy-to-remember surrender edict, "I understand that my actions have upset you, please work with me to resolve this," Ritchie is said to have faced even more formidable terms in the bedroom:

The marriage rules said both parties must “devote time to our sexual expressiveness” and “not use sex as a stick to beat one another."

Sources said Madonna pinned the contract up in their New York home after they saw marriage counselors two years ago, and would say to her husband, “Contract, Guy, contract” if he broke the rules.

To each their own, of course, but "Contract, Guy, contract"? Worst. Safe word. Ever.

• http://www.link.com">Marriage 'contract' controlled Guy's life [The Sun]

Boomp3.com

At the Washington DC premiere of The Secret Life Of Bees, a young male fan took a major step forward in his relationship with actress Dakota Fanning. After taking the photo, Billy Walsh asked Fanning if she would be okay with him changing his relationship status on his Facebook profile. Fanning said she wouldn’t mind, but didn’t understand why Walsh would seek her approval. Walsh took a deep breath and explained that Fanning and him have been internet dating for quite some time now and would like to their relationship to the next level. Walsh said, “I’m just started the seventh grade. It’s high time that I settle down with a good girl. A girl like you, Dakota. I can’t be spend all of my junior high years running wild with my bro dawgs looking for a cheap thrills at Stevie Gordon’s pool party. I need to settle down with somebody like you. So, would you mind if it says on Facebook, that ... we’re ... you know ... together?”

Fanning was unsure of how to answer Walsh’s question and wanted to think about it overnight. A feeling of dejection swept over Walsh’s young face. He was about to say something when Fanning interrupted him and said, “It’s not a no, but why ruin a good thing by putting a label on it?”

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

The two broke up. Then Martinez allegedly emailed Mullens over and over and over, moaning about his lost love and his bad mental state, and promising to stop contacting her (which she told him to do). But it just kept on, and got worse:

Soon Mullens started receiving emails from a mysterious (fake) "Hugh Frederick":

Martinez eventually acknowledged that he was Hugh Frederick. But his unwanted emails to Mullen got even more disturbing:

Here's a PDF of the entire complaint. If it's at all accurate, Martinez should probably 1. Stop that, and 2. Seek help.

[THR]

Hello Magazine is reporting that Tom Cruise was plum out of ideas for what to get recently drifting BFF David Beckham for his birthday. So instead of a fruit basket or a lifetime supply of Tom Cruise Purple, the Hubbard-loving Clear decided to treat both Posh and Becks to a private weekend getaway at one of Cruise’s favorite romantic spots in Napa Valley: his very own home!

”They wanted [Posh] and David to make use of their property [and] insisted that it should be just the two of them and that they should thoroughly spoil themselves.”

But after hearing more details on just how Tom planned this so-called “private” getaway, we’re worried the Beckhams are about to be abducted by a Xenuphobic SWAT team...

It's true that TomKat's birthday surprise might very well be an innocent gift, or a way of saying "We've never had sex in this place, but someone should!" But as the story's source continues, "Tom even booked his jet for them and told them they had to be at a private airfield at a specific time so work commitments couldn't get in the way." Let's see: Tom's private jet, taking off from a private airfield at a time designated by Cruise. Is no one else getting the creepy feeling this "vacation" is Cruise's sole tactic remaining in Scientology's official bag of conversion tricks? We'd like to request the assistance of British feds in setting up spies at both the Freelands dock and Gold Base stat.

[Photo credit: Socialite's Life]

• TOM CRUISE GIVES THE BECKHAMS A BIRTHDAY SURPRISE [Starpulse]

Geffen himself, calling from his yacht, insisted Friday that "Steven and I are very happy with the performance of Paramount's marketing and distribution teams in handling our films." He cited Rob Moore and Jim Tharp, among others, as contributing to the success of such DreamWorks-Paramount releases as "Transformers" and "Disturbia."

And on the Grey-Spielberg front, DHD's Nikki Finke reports that the embattled Paramount emperor, dejected about the BusinessWeek story, reached out to the director on his Indiana Jones 4 location shoot to be cheered up:

A few weeks ago, when Brad Grey visited Steven Spielberg in Connecticut where Indiana Jones 4 was shooting on location, the DreamWorks partner put the Paramount boss's mind at ease. "Steven said to Brad that he intended to be in business with him a long time," a source tells me. As a result, Grey was flabbergasted when he saw the headline "Paramount & DreamWorks: Splitsville?" from the new issue of Business Week which was reporting how it's "entirely possible" that Spielberg could want to leave Paramount as soon as late next year. The timing couldn't have been worse for Grey. Thanks to yet another DreamWorks pic Transformers performing spectacularly at the summer box office, not only had Paramount climbed to No. 1 in studio market share this year but boasted a new movie franchise to exploit. Grey had been celebrating. Now, because of the article, Brad was "bummed out", a source close to him told me. Also Grey knew that every other Hollywood mogul like him attending Jack Valenti's memorial service last Thursday had heard about the bombshell. So the Paramount chief needed to know if this was real or not. He spoke to Spielberg right away. This time, the director was on location in Hawaii. "And Steven continued to tell Brad he is 'very happy'," an insider tells me.

Hopefully, Grey has had his bruised feelings adequately soothed by Spielberg's assertions of happiness and promises of a long, fulfilling relationship (well, at least one that survives into 2009), allowing him to finally halt the hourly deliveries of FTD's popular "Please Tell Me I'm Pretty Again" flower arrangements to the Indiana Jones set, the alarming frequency of which was starting to seem "a little needy" to the busy director.

[Photo: Getty Images]

• Geffen, Spielberg may walk [Variety]
• Spielberg Tells Grey He's "Very Happy" [DHD]
• Paramount and DreamWorks: Splitsville? [BusinessWeek]