The aforementioned lawsuit, no doubt timed to coincide with Heaton's Who Wants to be a Millionaire appearance, was filed by former Heaton personal assistant Jennifer Lee, who claims she was fired because her child was interfering with her work and then stiffed her on $7,425 in back wages.

And then ABC aired her appearance on Millionaire!

Heaton, an unabashed anti-abortion conservative, started off her appearance on the show by having a little exchange with Regis Philbin in which she mentioned how "people who live in the middle of America, which is where I come from," are "nicer" and "smarter" than people who live on the East and West coasts. Then, prior to being presented with the one question she came on the show to answer, Heaton took a shot at her alma mater, Ohio State, by basically saying her education there did little to help her escape the throes of dumbassery (No real surprise there, right?). Then came the one question she appeared on the show to answer along with the four multiple choice answers from which she was to choose one:

If a euro is worth $1.50, five euros is worth what?

A. Thirty quarters
B. Fifty dimes
C. Seventy nickels
D. Ninety pennies

Heaton then had an unlimited amount of time to use simple arithmetic figure it out, not to mention the standard issue "lifelines" the show's famous for. What followed is both hilarious and cringeworthy.

In Heaton's defense, she was playing to raise money for charity, nor is she the first celebrity to shame themselves by appearing on a game show, but still!

To be fair, Kidman (made up to look like an insane cross between a pilgrim and the Baroness from The Sound of Music) attempted to be diplomatic about the appearance, but Regis refused to have it, placing the blame for the encounter squarely on Letterman. Careful, Regis — a war with Dave is one that few walk away from as the victor. Just look what happened to John McCain! [Live with Regis and Kelly]

If the beloved Oscars bumbler was just trying to emulate the Hell's Kitchen star, we think a British accent might have helped the illusion along. Instead, it just seems like a spectacular uncorking of decades of bottled rage. Years pressed beneath Gelman's thumb, having to remember all those dumb celebrity names while listening to your shrill co-hosts yammer on at length about their upcoming children and Christmas albums—it's all enough to drive any mild-mannered TV fixture to lose it. Live! [Regis and Kelly]

In a similar vein, we're not providing the above Regis Philbin brainfartstravaganza to mock the lightly addled broadcast legend. God only knows how many bits of showbiz ephemera he's amassed over the years, and are currently floating through his cortex like fabulous amoeba; the very act of reaching up and grabbing the right one at the right moment seems almost a fool's task. We'll tell you one name, however, that Reeg will never blank on: that of his schoolgirlish mancrush object, Jon Hamm.

With a side of eggs, if you please. Are we right, Reeg?

Special thanks to intern Matthew Rebula for doing such a nice job in putting this together.

• Live with Regis and Kelly

In this clip cut together by our very own Molly McAleer, you'll see two sides of the very same story coming together and then exploding before your very eyes. Here's a quick primer. You see, Mr. Don Draper himself, Jon Hamm, appeared on the Live With Regis And Kelly show on Thursday morning. Little did he know, both Regis and his wife are huge fans of the show Mad Men. They're such big fans, in fact, that the 77-year-old Regis thought it would be fun to spend a little time after the show with Hamm, going as far as to invite him over to the Philbin's apartment. Being the good sport that he is, Hamm agreed to hang with Reege and Joy for a few hours, posing for pictures and making small talk until other obligations rescued him from what was undoubtedly an awkward situation.

Up until this point, it was a win/win for all parties involved. Hamm endeared himself to a showbiz legend and Reege got to hang with an actor who likely reminds him of his 1960s glory days. (As you'll see in the clip above, Regis is still beaming four days later.) However, Hamm submarined himself by being unable to hold his tongue about how he really felt about spending time with the Philbins when he came on Kimmel's show on Friday night. Rather than save the story of Regis' wacky behavior for the afterparty in the green room of the El Capitan, he made the cardinal mistake of derisively referring to one of Hollywood's most endearing and popular fixtures as "an elfin force of nature" and a "crazy showbiz guy." Boo!

Jon, we know your intentions were in the right place. You were on your friend's show, you had a great story and you just wanted to make the audience laugh. However, poking fun at a beloved institution like Regis is miles apart from poking fun at a tired old windbag like, say, Larry King. Save the barbs about how "crazy" Regis is for when you're kicking back with a few beers at your buddy Kimmel's house, versus sitting on his chair with cameras trained on you and millions thousands of people watching. If you want your career to have legs, that's a lesson you'll want to learn sooner rather than later.

• Jimmy Kimmel Live! [ABC]
• Live With Regis And Kelly [Buena Vista]

Just saw a famous male tv personality leave a dollar store, crying. Life

Ah yes, life. We'll leave you to your guesswork now, keeping in mind a few things: 1. Ronen's profile lists him as being in NYC. 2. Lovably addled Oscars pre-show emcee Regis Philbin was born during the Great Depression, making him appreciative of a good bargain. 3. We're suddenly in the mood for a good cry and some lead-laced Chrest toothpaste. We'll see you in a few.

• Ronen's Twitter

And it might have done even better if not for the affiliates who opted for a telethon or, in the case of uptight Greensboro, N.C., anything but a massive black ex-strip-club bouncer beating the holy fuck out of some anonymous, pasty chump:

WFMY gave rights to the event to a low-wattage network 25 miles away in Reidsville, according to program director David Briscoe. Instead, the CBS affiliate televised a 1992 made-for-TV movie called Getting Up and Going Home, which stars Tom Skerritt as a divorced attorney who copes with his mid-life crisis by having multiple affairs.

In an earlier statement sent to greensborosports.com, Briscoe wrote: "We have concern for the content in CBS' EliteXC."

The "experts" agree, recently telling Time Magazine, "Just wait for the first news report about two eight-year-olds that went after each other because of something they watched on CBS. It's going to happen." That's nothing — just wait until those kids start having Skerritt-esque affairs all over Greensboro. It's going to happen.

• CBS Punches Saturday Ratings [Variety]

• 'Password' Posts Decent Ratings [Variety]

• Prison Break Star Tries to Explain 'Tea-bagging' to Regis [YouTube via BWE]