In a word: no. When Updike wrote the book, he wanted to break free of his generally misogynistic mold and created women who weren't whorish, stupid or baby killers.

Some argue, yes, that the portrayal of women as witches only reinforces negative stereotypes, but Updike disagreed. "Let us respectfully construe the word 'witch' as 'free woman," he explained, while also assuring critics that the book was "one attempt to make things right with my, what shall we call them, feminist detractors." Political or no, the book was pure Updike: a dirty, satirical examination of American ways.

While most of the original's sumptuous descriptions couldn't be directly translated to film, at least the 1987 adaptation provided an excuse to bring three lovely actresses — Cher, Michelle Pfeifer and Susan Sarandon — onto one screen. Plus, it's pretty damn good and was wildly popular, which explains why Hollywood types continue to salivate over the story of three magical women and the man they love, Darryl von Horne. Separate pilots were shot in 1992 and 2002. Neither made the cut, obviously. So why would ABC have a go?

It's unlikely they wantto make a feminist statement, nor do the show's previews have much hint of satire — or even brains. And certainly a network show can't be as sexy as the book or the movie, although the writers will definitely try.

No, the network appears to be trying to capitalize on pop culture's supernatural obsession while also attempting a revival of its Desperate Housewives brand of quirky soap. None of that should be surprising considering the remake mania that has swept the nation as of late, not to mention the recent spate of spooky soaps.

But will viewers buy it? Who knows. The reviews haven't been great. Washington Post critic Tom Shales already says he wants it to "disappear," while the Boston Herald says the show has "all the markings of being an early casualty of the season." That's not very promising. This writer loves the show's more recognizable stars, Lindsay Price and Rebecca Romijn, and I hope it doesn't get axed right away, but even on paper this sounds like an unnecessary, doomed mission, so I'm not holding my breath.

It's hard to know what Updike would say about this whole mess, because he's dead, although this quote may provide a hint: "Americans have been conditioned to respect newness, whatever it costs them." That's obviously no longer true.

And that is what we got last night in an episode that was soaked in more estrogen than a barrage of commercials about tampons, pregnancy tests, and The September Issue. Thanks Lifetime. With a lack of Michael Kors (bronzer accident?) and a female replacement judge and a challenge that focused entirely on the unborn twins bathing in the glory of Rebecca Romijn's amniotic fluid, the boys really stood no chance last night, and many of them managed to fail quite spectacularly. It's not easy to make a cute outfit for a discerning lady who played a tranny on network television, especially if you have a penis. In fact we had all ladies in the top three and three nice (gay) gentlemen on the bottom. Is this how Lifetime works? Are they going to kick queers out of the fashion industry one elliptical-machine tightened ass at a time? After last night, we wouldn't blame them.

What We Hate:

• Mitchell: If this kid spent as much time sewing as he did clowning around the work room, maybe he wouldn't have sent a naked model down the runway last week and made a pair of shorts this week that looked like a fabric sling MacGyver would make out of a used poncho, a pile or rubber bands, and some bacon grease. Mitchell, as every reality show contestant ever will tell you: you are not here to make friends, you are here to win. Start acting like it.
• Spell Check: That is our affectionate name for Qristyl, who can't go to Mood without having a conniption. Last week she had to open a pair of scissors and cut her own fabric. This week she littered a table with buttons. Deep cleansing breaths, girl, it's only a fabric store. And if you piss off everyone who works there, they are not going to help you find that champagne organza that you need to make your delusional vision come true. Then you're fucked.
• Hot Tranny Meth's Model Walk: Did you see Johnny (aka Hot Tranny Meth) trying to teach his model how to walk the runway? You are not tall, black, or fierce enough to be Miss J. Stop trying. Your outfit kinda rocked this week though, so we're being kind.
• Monique Lhuillier: The replacement for Michale Kors was way too nice. That bores us. And Nina, who does not like the competition.

What We Love:

• Louise: For some reason, kooky Kenley Jr. reminds us of folk singer Susanne Vega, and that makes us love her. We take back our hatred from last week.
• Logan Shirtless: The everyone-getting-ready montage was back last night, and we got a few fleeting seconds of our beloved without his top on. It was as wonderful as walking the red carpet and having everyone scream your name repeatedly while being blinded by flashbulbs.
• Stella jokes: At one point Ra'Mon made an allusion to last season's punk-rock leatherista Stella Zotis. Genius. However, we're not sure that this is even legal. Doesn't Bravo own her likeness, creativity, and soul in this media and every media not yet created from now until Andy Cohen takes his final dirt nap? You better be careful. One Christian Siriano impersonation, and your ass will get sued!
• Skinny Models, Big Bellies: We haven't seen anything this absurd and wonderful since dropping acid at Cirque du Soleil.
• Rebecca Romijn's Heidi Impersonation: Her flirty/sassy goodbye while leaving the runway with our stalwart host was spot on, totally hilarious, and shows she gets the caricature that is Ms. Klum. We're totally team Rebecca.

In the end, there were some designers who had vision, like Shirin who won for her flowing maroon number with a wonderful waist above the baby bump (the tabloids should be damned for creating annoying alliterative idiom) and a lined jacket, which, in Runway-land means an automatic win. Also of note was our girl Althea, whose full-length navy gown looked like an awning at first, but later was tailored into something that showed off her craft and mode her model look amazing. And yes, Hot Tranny Meth pulled it out with a mid-length grey dress with contrast edging and a crazy goobledigoo on one shoulder.

But there were more who were delusional. Epperson (who we are convinced is mute, because he has not said one thing in two episodes) should have been called out for being two braid buns away from making a pregnant Princess Leia costume. Irina's dress was cute, but it had this crazy thing over half the waist that not only made the bump look huge, but also like the embylical cord was trying to grow up the mother's side. And, of course, crazy Malvin, whose concept for a mother and egg dress was just fat too extreme for the natural world. It would have done much better if it stayed in his head.

For more on that—to the videos!

Meltdown of the Week
Context: Thanks to Mitchell, Ra'mon realizes that the dress he is making is a piece of shit. He can't handle Mitchell's teasing, which he then tries to cover up with lies about how good it looks. Like Mitchell should be saying anything, because his outfit is even worse. But they laugh. Oh, these two will giggle all the way to the apocalypse.
Vision: That maybe highlighting a pregnant lady's belly with bright purple fabric wasn't the best idea.
Delusion: That maybe the judges won't notice.
What Would Nina Say?: "I noticed that your model's belly is covered in purple fabric."
Dram-ometer: 4

Under the Gunn
Context: Crazy gay installation artist Malvin would much rather make a fabric sculpture than, you know, something that a real human can wear. He comes up with chickens and eggs as a symbol for pregnant ladies. Oh, Malvin. Tim schools him, and he realizes that the only acceptable time for jodhpurs is the fox hunting number in Mame.
Vision: That listening to Tim Gunn can save him. A very wise vision.
Delusion: That his creation was worth saving.
What Would Nina Say?: "The point of clothing is to have something to wear."
Dram-ometer: 3

Runway Arrogance
Context: Despite realizing that he's making a piece of shit, Ra'mon is momentarily blinded by the apostrophe in his name and thinks that he might actually win, because his piece is different.
Vision: Doing something outside the norm will set him apart.
Delusion: Believing the reason that other people's ensembles all look the same isn't because they're doing something right, but because they are boring and that he will triumph for being a visionary. Sorry, Ra'mon. Too much delusion, not enough vision.
What Would Nina Say?: "Just because you are different doesn't make you right."
Dram-ometer: 7

Runway Arrogance Justified
Context: Shirin watches her winning creation march to victory.
Vision: Make a flattering dress, build a jacket and line it. And don't make people hate you while doing it.
Delusion: None here. Gold stars all around for Shirin.
What Would Nina Say?: Nina never gives praise. She just bows her head in acknowledgment.
Dram-ometer: There's is no drama in a home run.

Back Talk
Context: Malvin thinks the judges care about what he has to say as opposed to the clothing he just made. It is a lackluster defense, because he knows he's doomed.
Vision: If he explains, they will get it, and put him on the cover of Elle Marie Claire.
Delusion: See above.
What Would Nina Say?: See for yourself!
Dram-ometer: 3

The Cruelty of Live as Chronicled on Models of the Runway

Begrizzled homo-loving son of a gun Sean Penn will be starring in a film about drugs. It's a Brian Grazer-produced film called Cartel and is a sorta revengey, child protect-y kinda movie. [Variety] David Ayer, who's previously dazzled us with such fare like the baroque LA crime flick Harsh Times and the broke-ass LA crime Keanu Reeves movie Street Kings, has received a seven figure deal from Regency to write and direct a film called Last Man, about American soldiers in space dukin' it out with frakking aliens. [Variety]

Fox has picked up the screen rights to the book Mr. Popper's Penguins. They plan to turn the 1938 publication into a thriller about what happens when the air conditioning is on too high at the Abbey. [Variety]

Begrizzled immigrant-loving wielder of a gun Melissa Leo, of Frozen River Oscar nodding, has signed on to a new HBO pilot. She'll be playing a lawyer in Treme, David Simon's New Orleans-set followup to The Wire. [Variety] Meanwhile at a project of completely equal prestige, former Ugly Betty transsexual Rebecca Romijn has signed on to play the lead in the Witches of Eastwick pilot for ABC. [Variety]

Michael J. Fox is returning to television, in a reality show called Michael J. Fox: Adventures of an Incurable Optimist, in which he travels the world spreading good cheer. You just shut yer damn trap right now, Limbaugh. [Variety] Meanwhile a TV star of today makes Bambi steps toward movie stardom. Leighton Meester of Gossip Girl will star in the totally-mid-90's-ish thriller The Roommate, about a college student whose roommate becomes obsessed with her, Single White Female style. In that movie, Jennifer Jason Leigh was Bridget Fonda's, um, roommate. [THR]

Oh awesome. The wonderful Missy Pyle, Chris Parnell, and Deanne Dunagan are set to star in a CBS comedy pilot. Parnell and Pyle have been doing funny work in TV and film for years now, but Chicago actress Dunagan is probably best known for her ferocious, every-award-possible-winning turn in the play August: Osage County. She'll play a Southern mother making things difficult for an East Coast-transplant couple. [THR]

1. John Cougar Mellencamp: After releasing his breakthrough album, American Fool in 1982, John added Cougar (his original surname) to his public persona. Although he'd won a grammy with the simpler name, Scarecrow went on to receive enormous commercial success post-name change. But during the late 80s and early 90s, John went through a "dark period," which showed on later albums. Was the Cougar too vicious for John's happy-go-lucky attitude?

2. Sean "Diddy" Combs: First he was Biggie's producer Sean Combs, then he was a rapper in his own right as Puff Daddy, and after the 1999 J. Lo court drama, tried to reinvent himself as P. Diddy, only to drop the "P." during a formal announcement on The Today Show in 2005. While all this reinvention kept Combs in the press, we've never been able to figure out why all these monkers are appealing; all we unfortunately envision when we hear any number of them is the unnecessary image of Combs sitting on the john. Are we alone?

3. Prince: Perhaps the most infamous name (symbol?) alteration in history, Prince decided in 1993 that he would only be referred to in print as that unpronounceable symbol incorporating "the male and female signs along with the alchemy symbol for soapstone." Despite the bold move, talk show hosts and anyone with the unfortunate task of having to introduce him at award shows found the move troubling, and a mini-backlash ensued. Inevitably, Prince Rogers Nelson (his real name!) wisely reverted back to his original stage name in 2000.

4: Muhammed Ali: The name Cassius Clay brings up images of the greatest fighter in history, swinging like a butterfly, stingin' like a bee. But after achieving massive success as a boxer, Clay took up with Malcolm X and and the Nation of Islam, confusing the masses by taking a Muslim name and devoting his private life to serving the Prophet. Just before the change, Clay had shocked the world by defeating undefeated Sonny Liston in 1945 at just 22. But his devotion to Islam ultimately sent him to prison, and after learning he'd gotten Parkinson's, the whimsical vocalist and arguably greatest boxer in history, was tragically remembered more for his mysterious choices later in life, rather than his achievements in the ring.

5: Rebecca Romijn and Courteney Cox: On a lighter note, these two actresses officially changed their stage names to reflect their new marraiges: Rebecca Romijn-Stamos and Courteney Cox Arquette, respectively. While feminism is certainly all about choice, and there's nothing wrong with theirs, Bex and Court's original monikers were so alliteration-happy, we were bummed when they insisted on reflecting their hubby's boring-by-comparison last names on screen. And look what good it did Romijn, who's back to her old (way better) title? And Cox; why mess with such an excellent, boner-triggering name like that by reminding fans that she married a guy with a Salvadore Dali mustache?

6. Clay Aiken: While Claymaniacs will be delighted to know (as though they don't already) that Clay's original name still incorporated "Clay," his birth name didn't quite sound as musical as the one he chose when auditioning for Idol: Clayton Holmes Grissom. We hardly think adopting Aiken is the source of Claymania, but his new moniker does sound a bit similar to "achin," which is what we suspect the majority of Claymaniacs fantasize about feeling during their naughtiest Clay sex dreams.

[Photo Credit: Getty]

• MILEY CYRUS OFFICIALLY CHANGING NAME [AOL]