1.) Martha Stewart Vs. Rachael Ray
Last night on Nightline, Cynthia McFadden tried to stir up shit between the two women.

2.) Martha Stewart Vs. Sarah Palin
But on the red carpet this week, Martha didn't need any encouragement to talk shit on Sarah.

3.) Piper Palin Child Beauty Queen
Earlier this week, I joked that Piper Palin was wearing so much makeup for Sarah's interview with Barbara Walters that she practically looked high glitz.

Later that day, Oprah's camera crew went to Wasilla to film the Palin family at home, where Piper was wearing a crown and a sash.

4.) Mother/daughter bonding

5.) The D.E.N.N.I.S. System
It's funny 'cause it's true.

6.) Crap letter from a dude
As featured on True Life: I Can't Leave My Boyfriend. The guy later came back to her apartment when she wasn't home, and stole all of her electronics and her dog.

7.) America's Next Top Amityville Horror
ANTM aired some never-before-seen moments, and I'd rather that this one had stayed unseen.

8.) Drunk idiots
The people on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge get so stupid drunk that they always end up fighting, and subsequently kicked off the show (whichseems to be their sole source of income). Brad started in with Darrell for no reason.

And then Darrell turned Brad into Quasimodo.

9.) Sewing with Nancy
Her awkwardness makes me uncomfortable.

10.) Stomache

Yes, Gretchen, Tamra, Lynne, Vicki, and Jeana are our muses and we think that this is a fitting tribute for the start of what is sure to be a great season of foreclosures, petty disputes, and plastic surgery.

Gretchen Rossi Has a Dildo with a Cord

Empty
like feet searching for the ground while hurling
out of a plane. Empty like tingling
in the cheeks longing for the flapping rush of wind
and the taut explosion of a screaming descent.

Empty
like a love tank in a Prius that has no sparks
and no oil and is just cruising down a hill to crash
into the community's gate. The neighbors will swell
out of their houses—empty, all their goods pawned—

And they will watch as her bloody manicure
sweeps her hair out of her face and she begins
to climb back up the hill, past the empty homes. The mood
is foreboding and gnawing, like debt, like a husband
who doesn't yell, he talks

But when he talks, he is accused of yelling
because everything about his spouse is empty,
her head, her threats, her rhetoric, she is empty
like a puppet missing a hand
like a marionette bobbing

Up and down on yellow strings trying to force her
body into a desirable shape. She is just gilding it,
like a leather and diamond cuff, like Wonder Woman's
magic bracelets,
bullets deflecting in every direction.

The jewelry is designed by a beast, her
tanned hide stretched tight over ribs
like a fleshen xylophone. Hit her with mallets,
make her sing a song of peace as she brings the enemies
around a table, floods it with wine.

Watch them fight, watch them cower. There are
no angels here. Only the accused, eyes still
puffy from crying at the beach with her little creature terriers
named pain and vanity. She cares for them
but longs for a man

Blank as a slate to throw her around a cluttered garage.
There is no room for your grief in the flotsam.
Clear out a space for your dead husband's hospital bed, the Ming vase
urn, swirling with the blue lines of your tears
protecting the chunky ash.

Around the dinner table, let them talk about flowers,
let them talk about work
Let them talk about truth and grievances.
No victims, just someone to tell you to shut the fuck up
to seance the ghost of your gold digging succubus

Before the final empty accusation:
Gretchen Rossi has a dildo with a cord.

WATCH

The Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion: Watch What Happens [9 PM, Bravo] - On tonight's succintly-titled reunion special, NeNe confronts Kim about Kim's lying, name-calling ("low-budget bitch) ways, resulting in some major finger-pointing and NeNe's threat to beat Kim's ass outside. Lisa also confronts Kim, and then Kim cries about the cancer that robbed her of her "trademark beautiful hair." We can't wait for season two.

The Real Housewives of Orange County [10 PM, Bravo] - Season four of TRHoOC premieres with a new threat and housewife, Gretchen. Gretchen fun facts: She freely admits she is not physically attracted to her rich husband 23 years her senior, her husband proposed to her from his hospital bed, and she has real breasts.

TiVo

Blush: The Search for the Next Great Make-up Artist [10 PM, Lifetime] - Daytime Emmy Award winner, Vanessa Marcil (General Hospital) hosts this reality competition series where make-up artists compete for $100,000, the chance to work on an upcoming InStyle photo shoot, and a contract with Max Factor.

Starz Inside: Fashion in Film [10 PM, Starz] - Richard Roeper hosts this special about fashion and costume design in Hollywood. The program will highlight moments from films like Atonement and 27 Dresses and explain how those costumes were central to the story-telling process and how they were more interesting than the actual content of those films.

KILL

The Nutty Professor [8 PM, Oxygen] - Eddie Murphy plays seven characters including a morbidly obese teacher who is transformed into a skinny jerk after drinking a potion. Why is this on Oxygen? Shouldn't there be something uplifting/life-affirming in this slot?

World's Worst Sex Change Surgeon [11 PM, WE] - If you're going to have a show about bad sex-changes, I guess this is the best you can do: Jon Ronald Brown. The program covers some of "Butcher Brown's" botched surgeries performed in garages and hotel rooms through the use of interviews with former patients (who lived), fellow surgeons, detectives and some of Brown's homemade surgery videos.