1.) Synergy
Jon Gosselin's answer when asked for his thoughts on the Balloon Boy hoax:



We're thinking that Balloon Boy might give the same exact answer when asked for his thoughts on Jon Gosselin wiping out his family's bank account.

2.) Tricia Walsh-Smith threatened to walk off The Insider.
She didn't understand that people were telling her that she is smart.

BTW, why does The Insider consider Marla Maples part of "The Real First Wives Club"?

3.) "Tardy for the Party" is based on a true story.

Kim might have another hit on her hands, thanks to Jimmy Kimmel.

4.) A different type of tardy at the party
I love Kim's wasted face.

5.) The best excuse for tardiness
Courtesy of Bridezillas

6.) Spry seniors
Larry King's promo picture for his blog is awesome.

And this week, Elizabeth Taylor took Paris and Prince Jackson to Universal Studios theme park.

7.) Courtney Cox was a menstruation pioneer.

8.) What Al Reynolds is up to now
Musical theater-y things, regurgitating, and not being normal. His words, not mine.

9.) Tyra colonic
Last Friday, Tyra featured a colonic on her stage, which the host claimed was the First! Ever! Televised! Colonic! Except it wasn't. I remember Dave Navarro getting one on his reality show about his marriage to Carmen Electra. Tyra also said that a colonic was "the opposite of diarrhea." In fact, a colonic is the opposite of that. It is diarrhea, and it drips down your leg.

10.) A lesson on life from Judge Judy

1.) Janice Dickinson
The Insider has a new format sort of based on The View's "Hot Topics," in which the "news" correspondents and a celebrity guest debate bullshit tabloid stuff. The show describes it as "entertainment news with opposing views." Janice Dickinson was the guest on Wednesday, and they really need to just give her the job permanently, because she has finally found her perfect calling.

On Jon Gosselin:

On Whitney Houston:

On confusing saying the word "jackass" and acting like one:

2.) Bobby Brown's body is "pure"

What does Janice think of him?

3.) New Judge Judy episodes!
It's been a cruel summer without some new JJ. Thankfully the new season has returned to dispense the most practical advice in the world.

4.) "Get off your period, dude."
On The Real World: Cancun reunion show, Emilee almost got all L7.

5.) Police work stinks for women

6.) Why did Kim look like Dracula's girlfriend?

Oh, and of course, this.

7.) "Get ready for the fashion show!"

8.) They're just not that into you.
On True Life: I'm Polyamorous, three gay men were in one relationship with each other, but one of them is totally the outcast.

The outcast's solution was to add one more guy into the mix, to a balance. Once he found a suitable candidate, he brought him home to meet his boyfriends, and it all worked out for the best.

9.) How not to raise children.

10.) Paula Abdul

She needs a pageant mom for some stability.

For those of you familiar with the Real Housewives of Atlanta series — and you should be — NeNe Leakes and Zolciak are enemies. Not total rivals, but they're definitely not friends. Anyway, their relationship has only been strained by "Tardy," a song quite popular with RuPaul's posse and the gays, as exhibited by this iTunes "also bought" tally:

Now, as the song spreads like an aural herpe, NeNe has spoken out to claim the track for her own.

"Tardy For The Party" was my song. Now she's doing "Tardy For The Party," and I'm not on it. I don't care if I'm not on it.

Um, she clearly does. Or should. Those of you who watch the show, mouths gaped in horror, know that the song started as a collaboration between the women, but then Kim recorded her own dance version. Later, after falling down at a party and taking advantage of the spotlight, Kim the cancer-faker played the hijacked track and took the credit. That's shitty.

So we implore all cross-dressers, kitsch lovers and other Kim "fans:" transfer that love to NeNe. She's not afraid to speak the truth in the face of the truck stop nightmare called Kim. Anderson Cooper, will you lead the way?

This. Watch as Kim dances around with a drag queen while her hit single, "Tardy for the Party" plays in the background. These girls are lucky their wigs didn't become entangled, which no doubt would have required the jaws of life.

Sheesh, we love the gays, but you boys need to be a bit more discerning when it comes to whom you welcome into the fold.

1.) Whitney!

2.) Where do broken hearts go?
Harpo Studios, Chicago.

3.) Was Hailey Glassman on Monday's episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8?
While Kate was away shooting guns, Jon was playing dress up with his daughters, pulling from a bag of women's clothes that definitely were not his soon-to-be-ex-wife's. A girl in the background, with her face blurred out, was lending a helping hand.

Jon filled out his dress, nicely.

I love how one of the little girls ended up looking like Mary-Kate Olsen.

4.) David Rothenberg, grown up
When I was younger, I was obsessed with this TV movie David, starring Bernadette Peters.

It was based on the true story of David Rothenberg, who was only 6-years-old when his father tried to murder him by setting him on fire, and causing severe burns to over 90% of David's body.

The real David whom the movie was based on was befriended by Michael Jackson. David, now in his 30s, has lived a really private life (and changed his name to Dave Dave), but resurfaced this week when he attended—and spoke at—MJ's burial.

He also debunked rumors on Larry King Live.

5.) He's not angry, he's mad.
In other MJ news, Joe Jackson speaks out for the first time since the other times he spoke out.

6.) The poor girl's brother just died!
Alena Jenkins, the 19-year-old sister of Ryan Jenkins, was interviewed today on Good Morning America. Alena is the one who most likely drove her brother to the motel where he subsequently hung himself. While trying to be a hard-nosed journalist, this GMA reporter just ended up coming off like an insensitive ass.

7.) Maureen McCormick is losing weight for publicity…again.

She's also losing her mind.

8.) Who wants an Alter-Ego?

9.) "Her future ambition is to be a successful woman."
Crawl before you walk, bitch. God!

10.) "Limousines, Parties"
Did you know that the Daytime Emmy Awards is the most glamorous night in television?

Pure glamour!

Tinkle!
Like a million goldfish
scales clink clattering,
bewitching with your ululating monotone
enchanting the masses.
Writhing messiahs
hypnotize us with your
shimmering
tone.
Unlock the abysmal,
the primordial, the dark
dimension where alter egos lurk,
rumps rounding and popping
from a pole,
bicycles scattered,
greedy strangulation holds
causing grimacing rictuses
bloody and smeared on the
cracked windshield.
Heal us with your wailing.
Empty our minds and set our
hearts free
for dancing with
the muse.

1.) David Cassidy Is A Creep

2.) Drunk Babies

3.) Drunk Housewife

4.) How Can Someone Sound Sage and Delusional at the Same Time?

I could listen to her all day long.

5.) Kathie Lee Gifford and Kim Jenner Are BFF
And they have Wendy Williams' approval.

6.) Hoarders
It's good.


Spiritually good.

7.) Brad from The Rachel Zoe Project

8.) White Rappers

9.) Wedlock or Deadlock
Strangely, this is real.

10.) Language Barrier
Miss Universe 2009—who was crowned on Sunday after saying that women no longer have "barriers"—is learning English.

When NeNe Laughs, The World Opens Wide

Wide-winged owl caller
hooting through the hollow night,
your screech,
bright and empty
like a blond wig left on its Styrofoam head
cooling as the wearer
languishes.

White-eyed blank stare,
the pupils would dilate in the darkness,
but there are no pupils,
just the
mannequin looking back at me
as your chortle gallops across
the soft palate.

Your noises just like when we sat on the veranda
flower boxes pocking the sidewalk.
You pooh-poohed
the wine
and talked of distant friends
as if they all stood with their knives sharpened.
I make a joke about their eyebrows,
to elicit your
illicit noise,
heady like a humping hyena
deep-bodied,
diaphragmed
and repeated
as if a chuckle could be redemption,
as if a margarita could save us all.

While chatting with burgeoning gay icon Levi Johnston, on his show Cohen asked the kid if he would pose nude. He said he would "for the right money." Now Cohen said on the air that Johnston shouldn't do it, and he's young and he'll have the chance to make "more than $25,000 in his life." Don't be so sure.

Hey, Andy, don't get in between us and what's in Levi's Levis. The future of our happiness depends depends on us seeing the Alaskan hunk working his hockey stick on camera.

The $25,000 figure didn't come out of the blue. Last week not only did Unzipped magazine (the gay playboy) offer to pay Jonhston (an undisclosed amount) for a naked cover, but also Bait & Tackle, a media company that owns the website Straight College Men [NSFW, unless you work in a gay bordello] offered Johnston 25 large if he would come to Las Vegas and jerk off on camera for the site.

We called both companies to see if they have had any luck getting this hot commodity, and neither immediately responded to phone calls. Levi, listen to us. Don't listen to Cohen. This is the best thing you can do for your future. Do the porn, Levi. Walk into the light.

And that wasn't the only surprise on the show. Anderson Cooper, the straightest man in the universe also called in to talk about wigs, the Real Housewives of Atlanta, and his penchant for Latin boys. Actually it was only the first two. At one point, Cohen said, "Anderson, you've come out publicly..." and we thought for a second "Wait, Andy Cohen is going to fucking out Anderson Cooper on basic cable!" Then he continued, "come out publicly in your support of NeNe." Oh, damn. No out. But yet again, we didn't hear a gayer thing all day yesterday, and we watched three and a half hours of Project Runway.

1.) Models of the Runway
It's boring…and "dumb."

I love Heidi's reaction to them.

2.) Speaking of Dumb
Who the fuck forgets the words to "God Bless America"? Especially if it's your job to remember them.

3.) Gosselin Kids Promise Not To Murder Their Mother

4.) The Insider: "Michael Jackson…A Ladies Man?"

Did they mean like this?

5.) Anal Retentive
That OCD guy from that Bravo show doesn't allow his employees to poop in the office bathrooms, and if they do, and he finds out about it, he gets revenge.

6.) Anal Retentive, Part 2
On the TLC show Truth Be Told, people with who are obsessed with their pets were profiled. This woman swears she's "not a crazy pet owner," although she does admit to—and is filmed—wiping her dogs ass after she (the dog, not the owner) shits.

I wonder if this dog sleeps in her wig.

7.) Kim Sleeps in Her Wig

What would NeNe think?

8.) Everyone Thinks Spencer Pratt Is An Idiot

9.) Steven Seagal Is Working
Is anyone else as excited about Steven Seagal's new reality show as I am?

10.) My Sentiments, Exactly

1.) Adderall!

2.) The Stanky Leg

3.) Lil' Monkey

4.) Big Brother's Impeccable Montage Editing

5.) NYC Prep Schadenfreude

6.) Fox News' "Liberal" Views On Pole Dancing
(It doesn't count as "pole dancing" if you're using the pole for balance. Fair and balanced.)

7.) Good News for Gays
They have your kind in Wasilla, and Levi doesn't mind 'em.

8.) Gay Bitch

9.) La Toya: "There's Not Enough Aid For AIDS."
She is manic!

10.) A Hooker/Pimp Relationship Gone Awry?

Yeah, we know that Thursday is the third episode of the second season and we're a little late to the game, but we just couldn't keep away any longer. And neither should you. After all, this is one of those shows you try not to watch, but then end up talking about all week with your friends.

The third in Bravo's hit series that follows a group of women who pretend to be friends so that they can share the spotlight and hock products, Atlanta immediately distanced itself by having a mostly African-American cast and by the intensity and volume of their drama.

Ruling over the show is the Bermuda Triangle of drama: NeNe Leakes, Sheree Whitfield, and Kim Zolciak. NeNe and Kim were best friends and were united against Sheree, who thought NeNe was trashy. Then, Kim—a pathological liar and kept woman who wants to be a singer—started spending time with Sheree. When NeNe picked on Kim's nonexistent vocal ability, Kim left her camp to bury her nose in Sheree's bosom. But now Sheree is sick of Kim making shit up all the time, so NeNe and Sheree have buried the hatchet in order to go after Kim together.

It's like an episode of Maury, except no one works, everyone has lots of money, and everyone knows who their father is—oh, except NeNe, but she's supposed to be finding out this season.

Rounding out the cast is Lisa Wu-Hartwell. Aside from just having her house foreclosed on, Lisa is sort of a free radical. She gets along well with everyone (except Kim) and is generally nice and smiley and playing with her ex-NFLer husband Eddie Hartwell. That is until she turns and goes completely ballistic over something insignificant. She's like a volcano, but one that designs jewelry on the side.

Replacing boring DeShawn Snow is Kandi Burruss, a former member of the R&B group Xscape and co-writer of "Scrubs" (the TLC song, not the never-dying sitcom). We don't have much of a read on Kandi yet, but she loves to fight and loves to cry and loves her fiance who loves to have kids because he has six of them.

The brilliance of the show, as with most reality experiments, is in the casting and the location. The ladies are always carrying on about fabulous and luxurious and glamorous their lives are, but they live in Atlanta. Hardly known as a place of opulence (like Orange County), importance (like New York), or incredible tackiness (like New Jersey), Atlanta is just a battleground where big personalities can go to war over issues of very little consequence.

Take the fight below for example. This is from the first episode of the second season and has already become a classic. In it Sheree goes head to head with her party planner, who has inexplicably flown off the handle and Sheree handles herself first with restrained tact that soon boils over into shrieking aggression. And if you think that is great, wait for the second half of Kim, NeNe, and Sheree's parking lot brawl on Thursday's episode (you can catch the first half on the rerun tonight).

1.) One Life to Live Does Grey Gardens
During a drunken daydream, one character on the soap imagined life as Edie Beale. They did a musical number, and the Costume of the Day speech, although the accent was way off.

2.) Joan Rivers on Live TV
I love that for her publicity tour for her new reality show, she keeps dropping F bombs on live television.

3.) Police Women Get Stuck With The Vagina Jobs

4.) Moe
Former Jezebel editor Moe Tkacik was on MSNBC on Tuesday morning, where she talked about the economy and possibly got hit on.

5.) Do You Remember the Time?
It was discovered that a 3000-year-old tomb of a mummified woman looks exactly like MJ.

6.) Lesbians Aren't Into Sausage Parties
Zing to you, Gordon Ramsey!

7.) Wasted Housewives of Atlanta
I love how drunk and loving NeNe and Kim got at their "let's be friends again" dinner.

8.) Who Pulled Tiger Woods' Finger?

9.) Do You Wanna Hear Someone From Chicago Pronounce "Coup d'état"?

10.) Why Am I So Obsessed With Her?
Her feigned modesty is one reason.

Zolciak is infamous for her bizarre blunderbussing on the Bravo reality show, from crying about fake hair and making up a fake cancer story, to feeling entitled to a country singing career when her singing voice sounded like a pile of burnt toast tumbling out of her mouth, to (not-so) secretly dating a rich married "celebrity" named Big Daddy so he'd buy her Cadillacs and things.

Then she started a ludicrous website. Around that time, Kim hired World's Worst Publicist Jonathan Jaxson to get her name out there. He then shuttered her blog for nonpayment last week — though the taunting message announcing its suspension by her "webmaster" is now gone.

So ol' Kim is suing Jaxson —for supposedly messing around with her website and telling people she was broke (she is). Which all makes pathetic, weary sense. Adding a dash of Jaxson's miserable little spice to this sad soup of polyester hair and hoarse cigarette voices is a natural step for this awful story.

The world is dead and rotting. That's basically all there is to this.

We have yet to spot the two lovebirds strolling along Main Street, but are comforted to know Joe has found an intimacy partner who's neither a roofie-addled 14-year-old in a Girls Gone Wild visor and nothing else, or a 400-pound Panama City Beach Jail cellmate who thinks of the impresario as his own little Phillip Morris.

• Previously: Kim Zolciak's New Blog Gives Hope To Fake Cancer Survivors Everywhere [Defamer]

Kim Zolciak Online launched modestly enough, with some candid snapshots of the aspiring country singer vacationing in the Bahamas. She writes:

"Recently I vacationed with my two girls for the Christmas holiday's in the Bahamas and found some photos that someone snapped of me while at the beach."

Every year we stay at the gorgeous Cove Atlantis Resort and this year was a bit different because the series on Bravo was so publicized. It was fantastic meeting many of my international fans while in the Caribbean.

Next up for Zolciak: An appearance at Sundance. That's it. Now we have to go. Long Island Iced Teas at Harry O's are on us, Kim!

• kimzolciakonline.com via Videogum

20.) Bobby Brown Farts On Carnie Wilson, Pees On Dee Snider
Bobby Brown took a half-hearted stab at earning a pay check and having a country music career via the reality show Gone Country, in which he lived with other out-of-work celebs down South and competed for a record contract. In this clip, he gets drunk, eats ribs, farts and pees.

19.) Teen Bathes, Then Bonds With Senior Citizen
Baby Borrowers was a social experiment in the form of a reality show that was supposed to teach teenagers how hard it is to raise a family and run a household. For some reason, one of the episodes called for the teens to care for senior citizens, maybe to scare them off of the burden of dealing with elderly parents later on down the road. In this clip, a teen has to bathe her senior ward, and then they have a touching conversation about the generational differences of filing nails square or rounded.

18.) Meet The Two Most Effective Forms Of Birth Control
Some episodes of Supernanny are scarier than horror movies. In this clip, two little terrors defiantly pick their noses and wipe the boogers on a wall, physically abuse their mother and say terrifying things like, "I have a dick and a weenie in my weenie," and "I'm gonna fuck you in your privates one day!"

17.) Vagina Insults Are The New "Ya Momma"
MTV's That's Amore — the spin-off of Shot at Love with Tila Tequila — featured women who incessantly talked about other women's vaginas.

16.) American Idol Contestant Who Looks Like Willem Dafoe With Face Glitter
Alexis Cohen was one of those "bad" auditions featured during the open-call leg of American Idol. They're always easy targets, but her working knowledge of the English language and her literal glittery attempt at polishing a turd made her the best of the worst.

15.) Stage Mom Has Violent, Psychotic Outburst
Rocky, stage mother to Haley, from VH1's I Know My Kid's a star first won our hearts when she asked her daughter if her tampon string was visibly hanging below her miniskirt. This freak out sealed the deal.

14.) Woman With A Half Wig Cries About It
Kim from Real Housewives of Atlanta attracted attention and confusion over her hair — an obvious wig that did not match the color of the natural bangs in the front. Her attempt at clearing the matter up (she had cancer!) only confused everyone more (wait, she only thought she had cancer!).

13.) Pussylicious
The reality show in which women compete for a spot (that's actually never given to them) in the the Pussycat Dolls lineup was called Pussycat Dolls Present: Girlicious, which obviously needed to be shortened to "pussylicious." Especially after one girl's introduction included her saying, "I'm Cassandra. I'm from Aurora, Illinois, I live in Chicago now, and I have a tattoo of cherries on my hoo-ha." Later, another girl gets injured and is forced to dance in her wheelchair.

12.) Women Past Their Prime Audition For Modeling Competition
She's Got the Look was supposed to be America's Next Top Model for the over-35 set. In this clip its obvious that there were reasons beyond their age that have kept these women from working the runway.

11.) Corey Haim Doesn't Understand Why Everyone He Knows Wants Him To Go To Rehab
It's always ridiculous/sad when addicts who can't fully open their eyes or articulate words think that they are fooling everyone. It's double ridiculous when it's someone like Corey Haim who has had a long public history of drug addiction.

10.) Is This Lady's Husband Gay?
Alex and her husband Simon were the breakout stars of Real Housewives of New York. They were attached at the hip, obsessed with teaching their uncooperative children French, and dropped $20k on opera tickets even though their Brooklyn brownstone was literally falling apart. But the question on everyone's mind was whether or not Speedo-wearing Simon is gay or just simply European.

9.) Women Get Wasted, Puke, Break Dishes, & Hock Loogies
This scene from Charm School: Rock of Love was the most entertaining display of drunken behavior since Bret took the girls to Vegas on season one.

8.) Stripper Mom And Porn Star Have Threesome With Dude, While Another Girl Mistakes Couch For Toilet
Scratch that! This is the was the most entertaining display of drunken behavior, brought to us by those classy roommates of Bad Girls Club.

7.) Flavor Flav Draws The Line At Herpes
As though he doesn't have the virus himself.

6.) The Matchmaker & The Mafia
Intervention is supposed to be a poignant, serious show about addiction, however, some of the characters — like this Italian woman who comes from a family who is part of "The Family" — make us smile.

5.) Denise Richards Calls A Celebrity Journalist A Cunt
As much as Denise Richards: It's Complicated sucked, it was fun to see the real reason behind why the tabloids are so hard on her.

4.) Brooke Hogan Is A Sexist Moron
The irony of her show being titled Brooke Knows Best escaped no one. In this clip, she reveals that her thoughts on politics, and how women's menstrual cycles makes them unfit to serve as President.

3.) America's Next Top Model Is A Menstrual Show
Per Tyra Banks' advice, women should bend over and wince in pain, as though they have menstrual cramps, in order to look "editorial."

2.) Terrifying Texas Mom Shows "Pansy" Husband Who's Boss
Wife Swap is a reliable source when looking to investigate the weirdos of America.

1.) Bikini Corie
The best elimination speech in competition-based reality TV programming ever, courtesy of Paris Hilton's My New BFF.

In a talk with UInterview, the Real House-less star revealed that her misinformed, reciprocal crush still burns:

Q: I heard that Anderson Cooper is obsessed with you. How do you feel about him?

A: I’m obsessed with him, honey. I would ask him out even while I’m married! I’ve already told my husband, if I see Anderson, honey, it’s over! You know, he’s real good lookin’! There's something about the way he looks when he's reporting the news. He reports the news with a twinkle in his eyes. Something about it him is just like, ‘Stop it, Anderson! Whatever it is your doin', Stop!’ I like him a lot!

While we have no doubt that an Anderson/NeNe meetup would produce more giggles than the time the CNN anchor appeared on Kathy Griffin's My Life on the D-List, somehow we're betting it won't lead to any broken marriages. NeNe, if you're truly intent on keeping it real, why not send him Dwight instead?

• Real Housewives' NeNe [UInterview]

Yes, that's the unfortunate new stain on the reputation of Anderson Cooper's favorite housewife, who recently got kicked out of the mansion she lived in on the show. Now, Fox's Atlanta-area affiliate has done more digging, exposing a six-figure Leakes debt, some reality show fakery, and a weird story about the couple letting friends rent a house that ended up with filled with rats and "human waste on the patio" (sounds like a typical Thursday at Defamer HQ). Does it suggest that there's an actual Poop Gate at the heart of PoopGate? Somewhere, at an Appleby's just off the freeway, rival Kim Zolciak is surely smiling. Clip below:

"The recent rumors alleging that my family faced an eviction are a huge misunderstanding and grossly inaccurate. I am truly blessed to enjoy a wonderful life and lifestyle. We have indeed moved to another home, but we did so on our own free will. We live in an absolutely beautiful home and we are fortunate to be able to live in the place of our choice. Unfortunately, there are many families who are facing real foreclosures and real evictions. That is not and never was the case with us. I know where we live and how we live, and for those blessings I am humbly thankful. It is disappointing that many members of the media have chosen to report gossip instead of news. Without wasting time on the details, the only thing I will say is that we were NOT evicted. Everybody knows that I like to be honest, real and upfront. If something was wrong, I would tell you! Thank you for your well wishes. However, please know that my family continues to be abundantly blessed, and that Miss NeNe has not skipped a beat!"

Looks like those novenas worked, Anderson. We must say, we're a little uncomfortable now that the assertive, always on top NeNe's been put on the defensive. Let's just hope that no matter where she ends up, she won't be reduced to panhandling outside a Chili's, holding the sign, "Why lie, I just contracted fake cancer. Please help!"

• NeNe Speaks [Bravo]