1. Whatever musical-number scenario Hugh Jackman winds up dumped into must feature the USC marching band. Jennifer Hudson was lovely and dignified, and M.I.A.'s pregnancy made for an unprecedentedly skull-bending blast of awards-show history. But neither yielded the Oscar-ready, post-ironic showstopper accompanying Thom Yorke and Jonny Greenwood on "15 Steps" — just the 30-piece, drum-and-brass thing to back up those aboriginal wind-spirits in the evening's Best Song medley. By contrast...

2. Disinvite the Jonas Brothers. You can't revoke Stevie Wonder's lifetime Grammy exception for one skunky Autotune intro and his abetting in the destruction of "Superstition." But you can punish the Jonas Brothers for their pitchy, rapey "Burnin' Up" overture: Confiscate their awards-season passports, and detain them until at least a full day after the Oscars just to prevent any further talent-pairing misfortunes. Actually, make it indefinite, lest their plot against Baz Luhrmann is actually legit.

• The Grammys [CBS]

boomp3.com

Closer star Jude Law was unable to parlay his celebrity status into a closer spot at a London Radiohead concert over the weekend, much to his and his female's companion's dismay. The popular English actor had been able to get backstage at numerous concerts before, but Law ran into a bit of difficulty while explaining his situation to a group of roadies. The roadies were unfamiliar with his work and suggested that if he wanted to see the show from a better perspective, he should've gotten to the show earlier. Law turned back to his companion and said that his assistant must've forgotten to e-mail somebody and suggested that they watch the show like normal people. "Come on, it'll be a lark," Law was overheard saying.

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.