Always at the ready to swat away a junket reporter when the questioning strays off movie-pimping topic, or phone in a craftily worded, 4 a.m. denial ("Not only was my client not acquainted with the dead hooker in question, he wasn't even in Las Vegas this weekend. He was shooting his upcoming guest appearance on Entourage!"), it's time Hollywood's hard-working plate-spinners get the recognition they deserve.

Without further ado, then, we proudly present The 2008 Defamer Flack Honors. Winners, please come forward to collect your trophy (a clipboard-wielding thirtysomething woman hurling herself upon a grenade, cast in the finest bronze), and say a few carefully chosen words of appreciation.

Most Loyal
Elliot Mintz
Taking on Paris Hilton as a client is not a task for the fainthearted; but doing it with the gusto and blind obedience demonstrated time and again by Elliot Mintz elevates him from the rank-and-flacky-file to the level of some kind of publicist archangel. Not only did Mintz return to his post after his client's failed attempt at tossing him under a bus during her suspended license trial, he slathered himself, for reasons still not completely understood, in orange face paint for her birthday festivities. We're choking back tears right now.

Best Liar
Liz Rosenberg
Madonna's rep Liz Rosenberg had the publicity equivalent of SoCal wildfires to contend with this year, as if dropped by parachute with nothing but a watering can and her own slippery wits to fend off the singer's raging divorce inferno. It was enough to make a flack long for the relative innocuousness of new-new-face scrutiny, tales of corset-crappings, and other assorted moustache rides.

Still, even the most gifted of professional liars are bound by human constraints. As we tried in vain to place all the appropriate pushpins in our increasingly convoluted MadgeRod CynthRavitz Clusterfuck case map, Liz & Co. themselves could barely keep track of which fibs were meant for us, and which were never meant to leave the walls of Spin Control HQ.

The Worst Publicist in the World
Jonathan Jaxson
True, we crowned Jonathan Jaxson The Worst Publicist in the World back in November, with two months and one Jeremy Piven handroll-related P.R. nightmare to go before 2008 closed out. Didn't matter. The second we met Cheetah Girl Adrienne Bailon's spokesperson, and listened to him tell an Atlanta CBS affiliate's morning show audience of his plan to fake a nude photo scandal that (surprise!) backfired, eventually leading to his client and her fellow Cheetahettes being disinvited from the Macy's parade, we knew we had met a bold new breed of publicist, far deadlier than any that came before. This is the P-2000: Incompetent Robot P.R. Killing Machine. Fight the future.

PRs - that mysterious and dark breed of fixers, stuntsters and arch media manipulators - have, for more than a century now, been as fundamental to the Tinseltown fantasy as the Hollywood sign itself. They are, according to Borkowski, in his new book The Fame Formula, the hidden gatekeepers of the Hollywood dream machine “who guard its formula, often to the death”

Even today, Borkowski, whose clients have included Michael Jackson, claims that movie publicists are part of a powerful cabal who mostly go unnoticed, who ruthlessly hold the media in their grasp and who “truly understand the dark Conradian soul of man” (ie, our baser instincts).

And the most incredible line of all:

Here, increasingly, the job of the publicist is to tread the fine line between matching a “suitable” journalist with the talent and choosing a craven sycophantic hack who will play the promotional game.

That would be you, Times reporter Kevin Maher! Flack-turned-author Mark Borkowski thanks you for being enough of a sycophantic hack to make his book sound interesting!

Remember, a "Hollywood publicist" is often a guy like this.

[Times UK]

Who is Rob Shuter? Once upon a time, he was one of the most powerful celebrity flacks in America, repping clients like Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson. Eventually he got fired from his agency, Dan Klores Communications, lost his big clients, and ended up at OK!, which is really where he belongs. What went wrong?

• Shuter planted a fabricated item in Page Six about his client Paris Hilton being attacked at a club by a supposedly "jealous" Zeta Graff. Graff subsequently sued for $10 million, which compelled Shuter to give legal depositions demonstrating his sleazy method of doing business (plant fake shit on Page Six, specifically). It was all very entertaining. Paris Hilton ended up paying $2 million for this transgression.
• He treated his work on behalf of vapid singer Jessica Simpson like he was a Cold War CIA operative behind enemy lines. He planted nasty items about Simpson ex Nick Lachey. Then he decided to help Simpson get some press by fabricating a big romance between her and singer John Mayer. He convinced People and Us Weekly to put the story on their covers, and then made them all look like fools when the celebs themselves admitted there was no big romance at all. In one masterstroke, Shuter had shattered his own credibility (ha), made his own client look like a desperate liar, pissed off fellow celebrity flacks, and, perhaps worst of all, made enemies of some powerful celebrity magazines. He was then fired by Joe Simpson, for all of the above reasons.
• Having established himself as an untouchable dirtbag that no legitimate PR agency would hire and no smart news outlet would trust, Shuter was scooped up by OK!, first in a consulting role and then as entertainment editor. And now as the top guy. Just perfect.

In unrelated rumormongering, there was gossip earlier this year that Shuter may have been somehow involved in a purported FBI investigation of In Touch magazine for "payments to at least one editor in exchange for prominent placement of certain B-list celebrities." Supposedly some shady British cabal of celebrity flacks and gossip reporters was under scrutiny. We hoped Shuter was wrapped up in it! Alas, no evidence ever confirmed the rumors. And to be fair, he even has some admirers among the gossip press, who say he's friendly and witty.

So what will Shuter be doing for OK!? A good guess: helping them continue to spend big with no apparent monetary return. We hear that OK! is the leading bidder in the war for Angelina Jolie's upcoming baby pictures, with a sum rumored to be around $15 million for worldwide rights. That's in line with the magazine's history of profligacy; we also hear that they've yet to turn a profit, despite an investment in the nine-figure range.

And Shuter, the fabricating flack, will fit right in. One of the best quotes I ever heard while working at PRWeek was from an editor at OK! who gushed on and on about how nice the mag was to its friends in PR, summing it all up by explaining, "We work directly with publicists and celebrities themselves to get the real story." Sure. All together now in the race to the bottom.

Publicity is really complicity. This is a simple concept that for whatever reason took me way too long to understand, but it first hit me on the set of Monster's Ball when, after I asked Halle Berry to approve some stills, she looked over a stack of contact sheets and said something like "You know, they're all fine to use however you want, but don't show them to my publicist because she'll just kill everything."

We are talking about photos that depicted Berry looking like hell, but that also showed her inhabiting a wholly unexpected character. At that moment I got the sense that Berry would be utterly complicit in the campaign, which she was, for which she was rewarded with an Oscar. You'd be surprised at how many actors (or, perhaps more accurately, their representatives) I've dealt with over the years who have not been able to grasp this.

Amen. Walker goes on to add that — gasp! — "[p]ublicity should not try to obfuscate" and that "lifestyle" publicists are probably best left to club promotion as opposed to shepherding films through competitive festival and theatrical marketplaces. We'd expect no less honesty from Jeremy Walker, which is all the more reason we'll so miss him — and sure, maybe even envy him from time to time — should he stay gone for good. Maybe he'll try consulting? Every studio in town could learn from a guy like this.

• Jeremy Walker on Independent Film PR [Indiewire]

That the fiercely loyal flack had finally succeeded in doing what publicist-watchers had long feared he would, managing to squeeze not just his nose, but his entire head and neck up his demanding client's hindquarters.

[Photo: WENN]

• Frock horror! Paris celebrates her birthday as a punk princess [Daily Mail]

"It's an honor to be up here and to be honored as publicity whore of the year," Apatow deadpanned. "And you're all my pimps."

There were surprisingly few references to the writers strike other than a guffaw-inducing jibe by Apatow.

"I have 27 pages of jokes here; I've been on strike for three months and haven't been allowed to write," he said. "I was up all night laughing and looked outside my window, and Paul Haggis was outside picketing."

Despite such welcome moments of levity—publicists can laugh at themselves, but they'll fucking cut you if you try that with one of their clients—the awards were not without their disappointments: sadly, our prediction that New Line would be honored for its groundbreaking work in frozen-dead-baby-related viral marketing on behalf of The Number 23 did not come to pass. Instead, the Warner Bros. publicity team was recognized for helping to sell the year's most homoerotically charged entertainment, 300, to mainstream America as a CGI-enhanced action-adventure, then immediately repackaging the film for its incredibly successful run of campy midnight screenings in which audience members joined in "It's Raining Men" singalongs while tossing plastic spears at a chorus line of dancing, scantily clad Spartans reinterpreting the blockbuster's action at the front of the theater.

[Photo: Getty Images]

Entertainment Public Relations Assistant BEFORE YOU READ: You MUST live in the Los Angeles area NOW! Offices are in West Hollywood/Beverly Hills. THE POSITION: Need to hire very personable, outgoing, freindly and very intelligent, public relations assistant/receptionist to work for the owner and account executives of a medium size celebrity/entertainent, hip, young PR company/agency in West Hollywood who is amazing with people and more amazing on phones. Must be able to do 100 things at the same time, if not more, handle a very busy schedule efficiently, master heavy calls and call logs, juggle countless invitations and premiere listings and be amazing on the phones, etc. It's an overwhelmingly busy, REALLY DEMANDING, hectic atmosphere!!! Did I mention it is a busy place???? Last 5 assistants could not handle the pressure. Hours are long plus weekends and nights to cover red carpets and events. If you are not serious about a life in publicity with actors and celebrities, this is not the job for you!!!!! The up side? Huge room for growth! PLEASE REREAD THIS AD BEFORE APPLYING!! THE JOB IS ONLY FOR HIGH ENERGY, EXTREMELY HARD WORKING, SMART APPLICANTS! Please submit cover letter as to why you want the job as well as your resume.

• Entertainment Public Relations Assistant [Craigslist]
• Previously: Defamer Employment: Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Being A Personal Assistant, But Were Afraid To Ask [Defamer]

The press release—usually we encourage you to skip them, but this one is a must read—follows after the jump:

ASHLEYMADISON.COM COURTS ASHLEY MADISON

CONTROVERSIAL DATING SITE SETS IT'S SIGHTS ON JAMES WOODS' FORMER GALPAL

Extra-marital dating sight AshleyMadison.com hopes to capitalize on their namesake, actress Ashley Madison, best known for her short-lived romance with actor James Woods and cameo appearance on Entourage. AshleyMadison has prepared an offer for Ashley Madison to become their official spokeswoman and appear in their successful - and controversial - integrated marketing and publicity campaigns. AshleyMadison.com founder Darren Morganstern feels the blonde bombshell is a natural fit because, "in short, she is the type of woman that many straying married men fantasize about having affairs with."

Recently, the site made headlines when they offered a free lifetime membership to Katie Holmes as an opportunity to "free herself from Tom Cruise," and their Los Angeles billboard proclaiming, "Life is Short...Have an Affair," recently resulted in a rush hour protest by community activists.

Despite his own "happy marriage", Morganstern believes that monogamy has become outdated and discovered that through the site, there could be a modern solution to this age old problem. After featured appearances on major news outlets such as CNN, FOX News, Montel Williams, 20/20, CBS Sunday Morning, Dr. Phil, and TMZ (to name a few), Morganstern has been coined, "The King of Infidelity" by the media. Though he acknowledges subscribers may be "playing with fire" by pursuing infidelity online, Morganstern's sitting pretty knowing his company has doubled in size every year since it's inception and is estimated to gross ten million dollars this year alone.

• Previously: Burning Questions [Defamer]

"Business projections and financial reports are not what I enjoy doing most," Kingsley said. "I took accounting in college and my instructor suggested that I not continue the course. We are now a conglomerate and it's daunting. I want to be involved in the creative aspects of working with clients. That is what I enjoy." [...]

"Now that there are three of us, there is three times more energy to grow the company in different areas," Halls said. "Pat Kingsley gave us a huge leg up. We are lucky we get to expand from what is already a huge business."

To reinforce how grateful her former underlings are that Kingsley surrendered her titles without trying to disembowel any of them with a letter opener, the energetic new management team presented her with a touching memento: a five-foot bronze statue of Tom Cruise standing atop Oprah Winfrey's couch that will adorn PMK/HBH's lobby, a memorial that will serve as an instant reminder to their clients about the career disaster that awaits them the moment they end their relationship with the firm.

• Spin this: Hollywood PR guru passes torch at her firm [LAT]

Just weeks after sultry shots of Lohan and Vanessa Minnillo goofing around with kitchen knives hit the Web, underground site celebslam.com claims it has its hands on nude photos of Lindsay - and the stalker-ish site is threatening to publish them.

In what Web site owner "Nick" claims to be a G-mail chat between himself and Lohan, the starlet supposedly wrote: "All I know is that someone broke into my computer and left a file on my desktop saying he got the pictures Cal took from me naked."

Regarding the photos, Lohan's rep, Leslie Sloane Zelnik, told Page Six, "Anything is possible. I know nothing about it, but her lawyers have been contacted."

Perhaps most shocking about this news is that superflack Leslie Sloane Zelnick, long a doggedly inventive composer of excuses for her embattled charge, seems to have finally succumbed to publicist "exhaustion" with her "anything is possible" remark. One imagines that she was temporarily demoralized by endless media inquiries into the photo story and about Lohan's weekend trip to Pure in Vegas so soon after crafting a statement about how her client is proudly wearing a Class of Summer '07 SCRAM bracelet to celebrate her Friday graduation from Promises Malibu, a disappointment so profound that Zelnick is likely to respond to the next phone call with an audible sigh and a dejected, "Print whatever you want. Why not put in a part about a donkey caked in blow into the naked photos item? Who's to say there wasn't one wandering the room when the pictures were taken?"

• Nude Photos Haunt Lindsay [Page Six]
• Lindsay Lohan goes to Pure [The Movable Buffet]

Ranting about [former publicist Howard] Bragman, who apparently didn't appreciate her enough, the petite former pop star says: "I do a call-in every week for OK! Magazine on 'American Idol.' Because of my brilliant job, they want to do a cover on me. I'm being told by Howard Bragman that I'm too old and no one will ever want to do a cover.

"I'm being tested. All I've ever wanted in my life is to be treated fairly and be treated with kindness. And I've never in my entire career been treated this way. The people who are supposed to take care of these things do not. I have to clean up after them everywhere they go. And I'm tired of it.

"Howard Bragman on Monday - he did some disgusting behavior. I had to go to Jimmy Kimmel," Abdul is heard sobbing, "with no publicist there. [Abdul appeared on Kimmel's show on May 15.] I go on with no publicist there and I pay this man . . .

"I don't understand how this man can call me a whining bitch. I've never in my life been called a whining bitch and a loser."

When we asked Bragman when he stopped working with Abdul, he said, "I'm not going into it," and added, "I'll stand by my reputation if she'll stand by hers." Her current rep, David Brokaw, did not return calls.

It's truly unfortunate that such an irreparable rift has opened between Bragman and his ex-charge, as ugly name-calling does nothing but taint the memories of their special time together. On the bright side, it does sound as if Abdul's newly retained media defense team knows what the star expects of them, and is willing to provide the level of service their utterly defenseless client requires. If Paula demands that a rep accompany her on her next talk show appearance and squat behind the couch with a cannister of pepper spray, poised to blind the host at the first hint he's going to ask an uncomfortable question, they'll be there fully prepared to pull the trigger, then to provide a soothing hug as the sensitive Abdul tries to block out the anguished screams of her rude inquisitor.

• PAULA WHINE CAUGHT ON TAPE [Page Six]
• Previously: Paula's Little Helpers Take The Edge Off For Lovable 'Idol' Judge [Defamer]

The flack had resigned Sunday but at Monday night's event he told Us, "The rumors of our professional separation were overexaggerated," and he was back on as Hilton's publicist. "I continue to be her media rep," Mintz continued. "She remains a client...and more importantly a dear friend." [...]

Regardless, Paris wasn't upset for long. She left Sober Day and headed to the Roxy, where she stood on top of her table and danced to the band Phantom Planet. Paris and Mintz were singing along to the group's hit "California." A source tells Us, "Paris looked happy to be out."

It's heartwarming to know that even after all the soulmates have been through in the past few days, their retainer-enabled love endures, and that in the all-too-short interval before her court-ordered time-out, Hilton will once again have someone to dance on tables with her, patiently hold her hair (Nicky's so totally over hair-holding duty) as she squats on the cold, unforgiving floor of a bathroom stall, and then finally chauffeur her home at the end of each bittersweet celebration of her last days of freedom. Later, when Mintz drops by her temporary Lynwood home for a brief hello, he'll be able to instantly lift Paris's sagging spirit by gently humming the first few bars of "California," reminding her of the happier times awaiting her upon her release.

• Suddenly Sober, Paris Reunites With PR Guy [US Weekly]
• Previously: Paris Hilton Finally Free Of Criminal Svengali Elliot Mintz [Defamer]

Britney told us via her rep, "I am praying for my father. We have never had a good relationship. It's sad that all the men that have been in my life do not know how to accept a real woman's love. I am concentrating on my work and my life right now."

A pal of Britney said the pop tart "had no drugs in her system when she was admitted to Promises - they [tested her] and there was nothing. She was embarrassed she had to go in there when she knew she was suffering from postpartum depression, not a drug or alcohol problem."

It's truly a masterstroke of PR: Not only has Zelnick deftly reframed the familial conflict as a power struggle between a controlling, dick-swinging patriarchy and the good women who just want to love them, she's also depicted Spears as a helpless victim of postpartum depression, sent to rehab jail for the crime of trying to love her babies even when her disease wouldn't let her, and whose all-night partying was fueled by mania, not narcotics. With Zelnick back on the beat, the tabloids aren't going to have Britney Spears to kick around anymore—at least not without some imaginative and well-crafted denials to contend with.

• Dad Spanks Naughty Britney [Page Six]
• COMEBACK TRY [Page Six]

But now, out of nowhere, she's hired Ina Treciokas of ID'PR, a good, solid agency that handles everyone from Sean Penn to Diane Lane, Kevin Kline, and Wynona Ryder. Everyone likes the ID'PR team; they're easy to work with.

But Holmes' move away from Rogers and Cowan is kind of interesting. Insiders say she was guided to the firm by her agents at CAA. Many top CAA clients on the West Coast, however, go to Steven Huvane at PMK HBH, because of the connection to CAA's chief Kevin Huvane, his brother. ID'PR was a little out of left field.

Is it Katie's new independence we keep reading about in the supermarket tabloids? I doubt it. The couple is not breaking up any time soon, folks. The deal is done. But Holmes is making a movie, "Mad Money," and starting to feel her way around town a little these days. Insiders tell me that so far, Tom — always depicted as controlling and stifling — did not sit in on the meetings between Katie and her new flacks.

Allowing Katie to take her own publicist meetings was a big step for Cruise; while he would have preferred to be physically present to ensure that nothing could go wrong, his commitment to this new Holmes Independence Initiative demanded that he stay in his mobile command center parked at the curb of the PR agency's headquarters, trusting that she would receive each transmission instructing her to tell her new handlers "Tom totally supports me going out on my own!" and "Walking away from Batman was completely my decision!" he delivered to the tiny speaker hidden in her ear.

• Katies Holmes: New Mouthpiece (second item) [FoxNews.com]

"When [a senior Disney publicist] forwarded the [Richards] story to me ... I thought, 'How are we going to spin this?' " Dennis Rice, Disney's senior vice president for publicity, said during a presentation to the media of the studio's upcoming films Wednesday morning.

As a result of Richards' remark, which was later discounted by his representatives as just a joke, it is likely that the rocker's appearances on the red carpet in support of the film will be curtailed.

"Keith won't be doing a lot of publicity for this movie," Rice added.

In addition to trying to keep the renegade Rolling Stone away from the press, a cautious Disney PR team will also oversee an emergency renovation to their theme park's franchise-inspiring Pirates ride addressing the controversy, adding a scene in which an animatronic Teague Sparrow soberly explains to his son that even though they're both pirates and enjoy their fair share of rape, pillaging, and plunder, under no circumstances is it OK for Jack to use his cremains as snuff, providing parents and children an opportunity to discuss the uncomfortable subjects of both drug abuse and living wills.

• Snorting remark by Keith Richards doesn't sit well with Disney [LAT]

[Also: We feel like such dirty, dirty little whores now that George and his trusty flack are running around sticking his filthy denial in every quivering media-hole they can find. We thought we were special! You know what? Fuck Darfur!]

• Clooney's Million-Dollar Rumor Reward [ET Online]
• Previously: Defamer Publicist Denial Corner: Clooney Not Involved In Huckabees Video Leak, Says Clooney [Defamer]