1.) Debbie Rowe
Love her.



LOVE. HER.



You can see her wild side in her ear lobes.



And her T-shirts.



When I saw this shirt over the weekend, it immediately made me think of Aileen Wuornos' dream job of raising "she-wolves" on a farm with her girlfriend, as revealed in Nick Broomfield's doc.

2.) "What makes you think you're Paris Hilton or some damn body?"
Last night's 16 and Pregnant featured a teen and her mom, both of whom are pregnant (out of wedlock). They — and their boyfriends and pets — all live in the grandmother's two-bedroom home. Looking for a place to store her clothes in the cramped house, the teen began emptying out a junk drawer in Meemaw's room, where she found a mug with a penis as the handle. But it turns out the mug was not Meemaw's. It was Meemaw's mother's — the teen's great grandma.

3.) She's Totally "The Other Paris" Now



Or at least for this week.

Also: Why does a guy who is too straight for high heels even wanna be Paris' BFF?

3.) Gay in the Face
Katherine Jackson subscribes to the "gay face" theory, as evidenced by this old ass interview Entertainment Tonight dug up.

4.) Five Fun Facts Dr. Arnold Klein
He was Michael's dermatologist.
He is responsible for Debbie Rowe in our lives.
He is friends with Carrie Fisher.
He has no problem going on television and claiming that he jerked off in a doctor's office to donate sperm just for the hell of it.
CBS News finds his clothing incriminating.

5.) What We All Missed On TV This Week
Judge Judy was preempted on Tuesday because MJ's funeral ran way over. I was upset about it because I had been looking forward to the case after I saw this preview for it and learned that it involved a girl urinating on her roommate's sneakers in retaliation for something.

But I seen saw this:

6.) This Guy:

7.) Motorized Wheelchair Commercial Lady
She makes getting older look easy…and dizzy.

8.) Big Brother 11
Big Brother returned this week. Part of "the twist" of this one is that a cast member from a previous season was allowed to enter the house. It was Jesse, from season 10. I'm pretty happy with this decision. He says "sweet beans" instead of "cool beans."

9.) The "No Shit" Award Goes To…
Nikki was on Intervention this week. She's addicted to Methadone and Anti-anxiety medication, among other downers. Needless to say, she is chilllllllled.

Her sister has a personal opinion as to why Nikki likes drugs.

10.) Katie's Sign Off

Ok!
"The Truth About which Stars Are Really Pregnant"
The mag claims that Angelina Jolie has been taking prenatal vitamins and trying to cut out junk food, so clearly she is trying to get pregnant. And! Angie and Brad are adopting an African orphan from an unspecified country. Katie Holmes is knocked up, and has told close friends, but is waiting until she is farther along to make an announcement. Yet there are "signals" that she is pregnant, for instance: she "looked happy" at the Japanese Valkyrie premiere, had hair extensions and her face looked fuller. Also, she had a slice of cheese pizza with Suri last week. As for Jennifer Aniston — she and John Mayer have split for now, but "that's not dashing her baby dreams." According to a 2005 article, she said "I never said I didn't want to have children. I did and I do and I will." Seriously, this quote qualified her to be a part of this cover story. Lastly, "Don't believe rumors that Prince William and Kate Middleton are engaged." Since the Prince just started Royal Airforce training, there's no way a royal wedding could be planned.
Grade: F (fetal pig)

Life & Style
"Twilight's Hot Hookups: Back On!"
This story has lots of pictures, no hookups. Although Kristen Stewart does say: "The chemistry between artists is difficult to define. But in my case, when I looked at Robert, it was like I could look into his heart. And he could do the same to me. And that's very important." Which seems like an old quote, no? Plus there's a pixelated image of Pattinson's GQ cover. Moving on: The story called "Jen and John: It's Over!" seems to be based solely on deconstructing John Mayer's Twitters. For instance, the one which says: "There is nothing better in this world than the act of falling asleep while playing the guitar perched on your chest. Amp off. G'night" clearly means that he "just wasn't that into" Jennifer Aniston. Next, Nicole Scherzinger claims that performing helped her shed pounds, but there is literally no difference between the "before" and "after" pictures: She is freaking thin in both (Fig 1). A spread called "Everyone's Affected By The Recession" mentions that Alex McCord from Real Housewives lost her job; Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Victoria Beckham each wore the same dress twice and Kevin Bacon flew coach. Lastly, there are six pages of "Wedding Gowns With Personality," which are actually just white designer dresses, if you're into that.
Grade: F+ (frog)

In Touch
"How She Lost 10 Lbs In 2 Weeks"
Dr. Fred Pescatore, author of The Hamptons Diet, who does not treat Jessica Simpson, says: "Her stomach and legs look much thinner." The mag claims this is due to making "smart choices" in the last two weeks when it comes to diet and exercise. At no point to they quote Jessica or anyone currently helping her, though they do talk to her trainer from the 2005 film Dukes Of Hazzard and a person who attended her concert on March 13, who says, "Her legs looked a lot thinner and more toned." Moving on: Is Mandy Moore knocked up? A source says she wed Ryan Adams in a "shotgun" wedding because she is pregnant, although it is very early on. (Mandy's rep says she is not pregnant.) Next: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes spent an estimated $50,000 for their appearance at the Japanese Valkyrie premiere. That includes $30,000 on dental veneers; $3,000 hair extensions; $1,500 on makeup — for Tom — and $10,000 on spa treatments for Katie. Also inside. An insider tells the mag "Britney is still very self-conscious about her body and appearance." This is illustrated with six pictures of Brit in a bikini with captions critiquing her physique. A celebrity trainer and nutritionist, Jay Cardiello, who does not work with Britney, says things like, "She looks out of shape, bloated, and about 150 lbs." A story titled "Robert Thinks He's Ugly" is based on DVD commentary from Twilight star Robert Pattinson, who apparently says things like, "Sometimes I think I look as if I've had facial reconstructive surgery. After burns or something. My whole head looks like it's had a face lift. A really bad one!" He also says he has a "butt chin." There's more, but you get the point. "How Brad Came Between John & Jen" says that "Jen spent most of the evening talking about Brad. It got on John's nerves. He said it was bordering on obsessive." Plus, on Oscar night, John pulled a photographer and said, "Get ready, I'm about to pay for your kids' college." Then he pulled and unsuspecting Jen over and started hamming it up for the cameras, kissing her on the temple and stuff. Don't you want to throw up all over him? The best spread in this issue is "Inspired by C3P0" (Fig. 2). With the sidebar, "Copying Chewbacca Can Get A Little Hairy." Lastly, in an interview with Julia Roberts, she says, "People get wildly famous, and they get incredibly slim. It never happened to me, not matter how hard I tried."
Grade: D- (fish)

Star
"$10 Million Tell-All"
John Mayer has been telling friends that he is thinking of going public with all of Jennifer Aniston's juicy secrets. A pal says: He's been keeping notes in his daily journal since the moment they met, and he knows he could make millions of dollars. For instance: Jen called John Brad in bed, which freaked John out, and he told her, "I can't compete with the sexiest man alive." Jen does yoga or Pilates for four hours a day and John thinks she is obsessed with exercising. She likes to watch hours and hours of reality TV, which isn't really a "juicy" secret. Jen is really aggressive in bed and likes to do role-playing stuff. She dressed up for him a few times and agreed to have sex in unconventional places once or twice. John has lots of pictures of Jen in Mexico smoking and drinking — "and she doesn't look like the girl next door." And: John told friends he liked to photograph Jen while she was sleeping. A source says she was wearing next-to-nothing, had no makeup on, and her hair was a wreck — not the kind of thing she would want to get out. Moving on: "Knifestyles Of The Rich& Famous" Details Gwyneth Paltrow's nose job (Fig. 3). Did she also used to have brown eyes? Anyway, a doctor who doesn't treat her thinks some cartilage was removed. When it's subtle, you know it was a good surgeon! An insider says Prince William "popped the question" to Kate Middleton during a romantic getaway. Blind item: "Which rehab grad has given up trying to hide her off-the-wagon status? She knocked back vodka at LA's Bardot and a few days later followed her partying with a drive." Kristen Stewart is sick and tired of all the attention Robert Pattinson gets: "Except for filming together and mandatory work functions, Kristen refuses to be in the same room with Rob." Katie Holmes must be pregnant, because at the Japanese premiere of Valkyrie she had hair extensions, she was glowing and she wore a loose dress that "accented a slight bulge in her belly." Plus: "At one point," an insider tells Star, "she glanced at her stomach and smiled shyly." Oh dear: "Rihanna & Chris Sex Tapes!" Exclamation point the mag's, not ours. An insider says: "They've had tons of crazy nights in bed, and Chris has recorded many of them." Apparently Rihanna likes dressing up as a dominatrix, and role-playing. Next, Nicole Richie is telling friends she is having twins and hoping that they are boys. In a reversal, there's a piece called "Incredible Shrinking Dudes," with Benji Madden, Vince Vaughn, Seth Rogen and Josh Gracin — usually the mag picks on the ladies' bodies! Lastly: "Step Stars: They're not bio babies, but these celebs treat their partners' kids like their very own flesh and blood. All together now: Aww!"
Grade: C- (earthworm)

Us
"Caught In An Affair."
In an amazing feat of reporting, the mag has security cam stills of LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian making out over dinner. Cibrian you may know from Third Watch, or as a guest star on Dirty Sexy Money, Samantha Who, or Ugly Betty. A restaurant staffer says: "I saw them holding hands across the table during the entire meal, laughing and kissing. They kept blowing out the candle on the table and making out over it." Cibrian is married to a model and has two kids; they were wed in 2001. Rimes was married in 2002 at the age of 19. The two met on the set of a cable movie Northern Lights. There are also pictures of Rimes driving to a hotel, having a friend go in and book a room. The friend comes out and gives her the key; then she goes inside. Cibrian shows up; then he leaves four hours later. A friend says Rimes and her husband are "more like best friends. You don't feel any sexual heat." And! Rimes was seen carrying a book titled For Better Or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered. Moving on: Britney rejected a $3 million dollar book deal. She "summoned" publishing honchos to discuss writing her autobiography, but was "unkempt" and "out of it" at the meetings and turned the offers down because she was hoping for $8 million, like Hillary Clinton got. The Jen/John split story in this mag is kind of Choose Your Own Adventure-ish; they supply various reasons, you pick whichever you like: "It was amicable, they both wanted different things." or: "John does want to get married and have kid, just not right now" or: "It never seemed that serious. I think she liked dating a younger guy" or "Her friends suspected he was using her for press" or: "The whole thing is a publicity stunt they're both in on" or: "She's always either all the way hot or all the way cold. But that doesn't mean it won't be on again tomorrow."
Grade: C (owl pellet)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

Us
"Candace Cameron: How I Lost 22 Lbs. On My Own!"
Here is a direct quote from the six-page story: "She started eating less and working out more." Moving on: There's a "Do You Know Who I Am" spread, which reveals Jennifer Love Hewitt's old nose was bigger, Renee Zellweger's old body was bigger, and Amy Poehler's old hair was bigger. Shania Twain broke up with her husband, Mutt Lange, in May, because he was cheating on her with her best friend, Marie-Anne Thiébaud. Now Shania is hanging out with Marie-Anne's husband, Frédéric Thiébaud. Shania was seen being fed an olive by Frédéric at lunch recently. And they went skydiving together! Next: What has Madonna done to her face? Plastic surgeons who don't treat her say she's using Botox, got a brow lift, has filler under her eyes, cheek implants and may have gotten a subtle mini face lift. Her chin is natural, though. Lastly — and this is exciting — there are four pages of sketches from designers (Carolina Herrera, Badgley Mischka, Zac Posen, Diane von Furstenberg, Oscar de la Renta) of Inauguration evening and day looks for Michelle Obama and the kids!
Grade: D (evisceration)

Life & Style
"Yes, I'm Pregnant!"
Janet Jackson, 42, allegedly sat down the band traveling with her on tour and said, "Guys, we're canceling the rest of the tour. I'm pregnant!" The magazine speaks to Jermaine Dupri's Aunt, who says, "I texted Jermaine a few days ago to ask if Janet's pregnant." His answer? A coy, "not yet." Basically, they won't announce anything until after the first trimester. Moving on: Angelina Jolie has a "new face." A doctor who doesn't treat her thinks it's all Botox, Juvederm, and fillers. Injectables, not surgery (Fig. 1). So in T: The New York Times Style Magazine, Katie Holmes went on and on about how she's not a wallflower; a source says she's doing it now because she wants a Tony. And "She knows she's been portrayed as this kind of Stepford wife, and it was important for her to set the record straight." Also! Tom Cruise has been wearing white Nike Air Force 1s, which add 2 inches to his height! He is a baller. A story called "The Obama Diet" (Fig. 2) has a picture of the President-Elect "running" in a suit, eating a soft shell taco and holding a small bottle of hot sauce. 2009 is gonna be just fine. Gerard Butler wasn't always so hot (Fig. 3)! Gossip Girl's Ed "Chuck Bass" Westwick and Jessica "Vanessa" Szohr were seen Christmas shopping at Bed, Bath and Beyond in NYC. "They sure looked like they were a couple," says an eyewitness. Tobey Maguire is, at his wife's request, taking parenting classes: Apparently he spoiled the first kid, and there's a second one on the way. Lastly, in a spread called "Star's Figure Flaws — Fixed!" we find out how to "solve" the problem of having a "lean frame" or a "petite frame," like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie. Oh, and guess what? Ugly Betty's Amanda, Becki Newton, is "pear-shaped."
Grade: D+ (flaying)

In Touch
"It's A Girl."
It will be an "unusual" and "memorable" Christmas: Angelina and Brad are taking the kids to Ethiopia to get their fourth adoption underway. A source says, "They've already picked out a little girl… They don't want Zahara to be the only African in the family." And! Even though Angie hasn't said anything, many, as in the editors of the mag, believe she is carrying baby number 8. Crazytown. Moving on: "Friends" worry Madonna is suffering from a mid-life crisis. "She's obsessed with her appearance, adopted younger friends on tour, and has replaced Guy Ritchie, 40, with 33-year-old Alex "A-Rod" Rodriguez." Uh-oh, reporter Ian Halperin says Michael Jackson has "a very severe lung condition called Alpha-1 antitrypson deficiency. He needs a lung transplant. He also has emphysema and chronic gastro-intestinal bleeding. He can barely speak and the vision in his left eye is 95% gone." Oh, Marilyn Manson's new dame is model Isani Griffith, 24. Dude has a type. Is Winona Ryder okay? A source says she seems to be on a "downward spiral" since Rilo Kiley guitarist Blake Sennett ended their relationship in August. In a spread called "Who's Really Cheating," there are tons of blind items (Fig. 4). Joel and Benji Madden spent a week in the Central African Republic as UN Goodwill Ambassadors; Joel plans on raising money for UNICEF's Tap Of Project, which provides safe drinking water. Lastly, Lynda Carter, TV's Wonder Woman says: "Beyoncé's phenomenal. I think the whole idea of her playing Wonder Woman would be great."
Grade: C- (ravaged)

Star
"Angie & Brad: Twins Again!"
Alas, this story does not claim that Angelina is actually pregnant with twins. Instead, it says that Angie is getting "secret" fertility treatments and "trying really hard in the bedroom." So the couple is "gearing up" for twins. A "friend" says "She's 33, she doesn't feel like she has time to sit around and wait." Angelina is also eating yams, which are supposed to increase her chances of having twins. Orange juice, too. Oh, and fertility drugs. But Angelina and Brad are fighting, because Brad wants the babies to be born in New Orleans, and Angie wants them to be born somewhere "exotic," like India. Meanwhile, Maddox wants Brad and Angie to get married, so there's a wedding scheduled for June. All the kids will be in the wedding party. (There are elaborate descriptions of the proposed wedding venue, at a lodge in the Ozark mountains — with entire paragraphs dedicated to the fireplace and where to put the carved meat.) But Angie and Brad don't want it to be splashy like Brad's wedding to Jen because, "They don't want to be showy during these hard financial times." Moving on: Ginnifer Goodwin and Chris Klein: Dunzo! Lo Bosworth is avoiding Lauren Conrad — she's sick and tired of the inflated ego and sense of entitlement. Blind item! "Which actress is so messed up, she's seeing shrinks on both costs? Only, they've been giving her conflicting advice, and the back-and-forth has made her more wacky than ever." By the by, Jennifer Aniston is a fan of "Pokies," the plastic nipples that slide in under a bra. Suri Cruise loves Dora The Explorer's cousin Diego, and has asked her mom to get her one. The mag actually prints these words: "Katie's not about to pop one out just to so Suri can have a playmate. Even if she were to get pregnant again, there's no guarantee she'd have a boy — or that she'd name him Diego." Did Oprah have a non-surgical procedure called Thermage to take care of the bags under her eyes? A doctor who does not treat her says she got blepharoplasty (eyelid surgery). Rachel Zoe weighs 89 lbs. (Fig 5). "I've never seen her eat, only smoke," says an insider. Clay Aiken has a new boyfriend. The lucky guy is a Broadway dancer named Reed Kelly, from the ensemble cast of Wicked. Even though People magazine painted him as a great dad last week, Star says "Booze, weed and hookers are a big part of Kevin Federline's lifestyle." Next, there's an article about Britney's manhunt, and the mag creates a quasi-funny internet dating profile for the pop star. Lastly, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt may have a baby on the way: Spencer sees all these celebrities making cash on baby pictures, and he wants in! Heidi was dragging her feet, but he's convinced her, so look for a little money-grubber in the over early next year. Oh, and they think having a Newlyweds-type show featuring them as parents would be a huge hit. Plus, they only go to the apartment they "live" in on the show to film scenes. "That place is practically a set," says a source.
Grade: C (ruined)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

Fig. 4

Fig. 5

OK!
"Baby Brother For Suri!" Okay, so Nicole Kidman told the December issue of Glamour magazine that her teenage son, Connor, is hoping for a baby brother. "He would like one of us to have a boy. He wants that boy. Katie?" Basically, Nicole is done with giving birth and it's all up to Katie Holmes. Hence this cover story. A "friend" says: "Kate and Tom very much want another baby. There may be no better time than now for Katie to get pregnant again, and absolutely nothing would make Tom happier. Their second anniversary is just days away [Nov. 18] and I wouldn't be at all surprised to see another little Cruise come into the world nine months later." Hear that? TomKat could have sex on their anniversary, Katie could get knocked up, and Suri could have a brother. Moving on: Oprah is letting Jennifer Hudson stay at her East Lakeshore Drive condo in Chicago while she deals with the deaths in her family. "There's plenty of privacy and security there," a pal says. Carnie Wilson is pregnant, if you care. Britney is still under her father's conservatorship. Angelina Jolie is using her kid's video games to work out: She does "Let's Pilates!" on Nintendo DS. Then there are a bunch of weird, Marie Claire-style stories in this issue, maybe because the mag has a new editor: There's "The Dos & Don'ts Of Love At Work," which touches on Gossip Girl's cast members dating; "How To Score A Sexy Sports Star," which is Jessica Simpson-inspired, and "Don't Catch The Office Cold," which is about staying healthy at work, but uses a picture from the NBC show The Office. These pieces are not really gossipy, more service-y, and therefore weird in a gossip mag. Lastly, there's "10 Things You Must Know About Twilight," the new vampire movie that will eat America's soul on November 21.
Grade: F (hopelessness)


In Touch
"She's Pregnant Again!" Angelina Jolie has a "small yet noticeable baby bump." She gave birth to twins in July but "may already be two months pregnant." For the love of God. A "friend" says: "She is very tired and emotional. She had thought it was post-partum depression, but then she told Brad, 'Um, I think we've done it again.'" Also, the magazine actually prints these words: "She wants a bump for the Oscars." And guess what? Jennifer Aniston might be pregnant too! The mag claims her "bump" is "getting bigger." Moving on: Tori Spelling's spawn, Liam, 20 months old, is pictured checking himself out in In Touch (Fig 1). Meta. Lisa Rinna has a "new" face (Fig. 2) and says: "I know I went too far. I saw a doctor in New York who I don't normally see, and we went a little overboard. I saw a photo of myself at a party and went, 'Oh jeez, I have too much filler.'" Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller are "on the rocks." She's pregnant; he's been out partying. The Jonas Brothers have a $24,000-a-month mansion in Bel Air, and you don't. Lastly: You've heard this one before, and here it is again: Lindsay looks too thin (Fig. 3).
Grade: D- (ennui)


Life & Style
"Britney's Brave Battle With Mental Illness" Hey, Britney was diagnosed with being bi-polar less than a year ago… Is she ready for a "comeback"? She was spotted in tears at rehearsal for her upcoming tour. An insider claims she said, "It's all too much for me right now." Moving on: An source says Jennifer Aniston wants more plastic surgery because she's afraid her "nose is only getting bigger." She has a window of time in January and February before the release of He's Just Not That Into You and could squeeze in some rhinoplasty. Heidi Montag's dad says: "Every father wants his daughter to be with someone like Spencer, believe me. If they want to get married, they definitely have my blessing." What is that guy smoking? He also showed Spencer his gun. Anne Hathaway's new man is an actor named Adam Shulman. Gwen Stefani put a picture of her baby on her website for the world to see: He looks like a baby. Also, the mag calls 2-year-old Kingston Rossdale "Hollywood's Newest Bachelor." He had a playdate with Tobey Maguire's daughter! Angelina Jolie says: "If we look at all the cartoon heroines, there isn't even one princess in Disney that Zahara can identify with. And there's something very wrong with this. We had an African-American candidate for the Presidency, and not even a cartoon for a black child." Lastly, this week in "Dr. Rey's Casebook," the feature in which the plastic surgeon reduces women to body parts, which he then critiques, Heidi Montag needs Carmen Electra's butt; Tara Reid has dimples on her "saggy" derriere and Mena Suvari's behind is "perfectly perky."
Grade: D (apathy)


Star
"Twins For Jen!" The magazine prints the words: "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer with a baby carriage — big enough for twins." It's hilarious, but we read the "first comes love" shtick before, in Life & Style. According to Star: "Jen has been undergoing fertility treatments, determined to have a pair of babies with John." And Jen has already called Brad to tell him about the babies. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan's been bragging to her pals that she and Justin Timberlake had a one night stand in January. Jessica Biel was in England, filming a movie, and LL invited JT come to her house in West Hollywood. A source says that she says he came right over and they did it on the couch. A couple of weeks later, LL made plans to meet JT again, but he stood her up. This was around the same time Justin was "seen" hooking up with Kate Hudson. Also inside: Evan Rachel Wood has dumped live-in boyfriend Marilyn Manson! He tried to kick her brother out of the guesthouse, but Evan owns their home. Blind item! "Which TV funnyman looked like a big joke backstage at a recent hip-hop concert? Pale, bloated and wearing a stained hoodie, he bragged that he was tripping on LSD." Angelina Jolie was so "angry" about Brad flirting with Diane Kruger on the set of his new film, she flew to L.A. to appear at the Hollywood Film Festival Awards. Two days later, Brad followed her to L.A. with the kids in tow, to "grovel for her forgiveness." Lastly, there are four pages of candid snapshots and info from Heidi Montag and Audrina Patridge's ex-boyfriends, who "tell all," in case you're interested. We're not.
Grade: D+ (indifference)


Us
"Their Amazing Journey." If you can't handle gossip and you just want to read about ZOMG Barack Obama, there are 13 pages of text and pictures about the new first family, the role of first lady and what it's like to be a kid growing up in the White House. Snaps of the Kennedys, Susan Ford, Amy Carter, political dogs, etc.! Plus: Michelle Obama's mom might move into the White House along with the family. Sasha and Malia love the Jonas brothers and Nick Jonas says, "Those girls are very sweet. We will never turn an offer to go to the White House." Did you know that Barack and Michelle's 16th anniversary was on October 3? Michelle thought Barack would be too busy to celebrate, but then she saw a picture in the paper of him buying flowers, and later he gave them to her. Moving on: A-Rod was seen driving to Madonna's house in L.A. recently and plans to attend her L.A. concert. Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling: It's off. Sniff. An insider suggests Rachel was too controlling and Ryan dumped her. WTF. Simon Cowell and Terri Seymour have broken up after 6 years of dating; she wanted kids. Lastly, Carrie Underwood is dating a doctor from a TV show called… The Doctors.
Grade: A (hope) This week, politics trump celebrity!


Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

Boomp3.com

Pregnant Juno star Jennifer Garner asked if the snappers surrounding her could take about ten big steps back before she entered a medical building. As a woman with child, Garner needs all the space that she can get. Garner added, "I'm showing, not like Minnie Driver showing, but us pregnant women can explode at any moment. And in the best interest of me, you, and your sneakers, let's take a couple of steps back and let move on by."

[Photo Credit: X17 ]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

boomp3.com

A hungry photographer gazed longingly at Tori Spelling's hot dogs at an appearance at the Hollywood landmark, Pink's. The appearance was to promote the second season of Spelling's reality series, yet the photographer's attention was primarily focused on the two uneaten hot dogs mocking him from Spelling's tray. Naturally, it was assumed that the photographer was staring at Spelling's cleavage, but the photographer defended his care bear stare by stating he got up too late for breakfast and those dogs were beginning to look like a steak from Ruth's Chris. Spelling explained that she wouldn't be able to share any of her dogs since she was eating for two and that, if he truly was that hungry, he should just wait in line like everybody else.

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

boomp3.com

While Jamie Lynn Spears may be seventeen and unmarried and pregnant, the Zoey 101 star refuses to become barefoot and pregnant. According to inside sources, Spears has found even wearing the simplest pair of flip flops to be taxing and annoying in the final days of her pregnancy, but she does not want to embody anymore clichés circling her current situation. Spears felt its bad enough that she's pregnant and unmarried, but to be barefoot as well? That would make her want to die.

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

boomp3.com


Actress Jessica Alba expressed her frustration about being pregnant to friends at dinner over the weekend. Alba thought that being pregnant was going to be cute and fun and maybe filled with clever one liners like Juno, but Alba compared her current situation to the movie No Country For Old Men. "At first, it's exciting and interesting, but you know once you get to that third trimester, it doesn't make any sense and you just want it to be over. I understand that it's the miracle of life and yadda yadda yadda, but I need this thing out of me, so I can knock that skinny bitch Megan Fox out of my rightful spot on those lists of sexiest actresses."

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

OK!
"Angie's Joy, Jen's Pain." Intern Sharon didn't even read the whole cover story because she's so sick of Angelina vs. Jennifer crap. But she sums the article up thusly: "Jennifer is 'upset' by the fact that 'she'll never bear Brad's babies.' Ugh!" There are, however, two pages of "Silver Foxes": Tim Gunn, Harrison Ford, Anderson Cooper and George Clooney. Yay! Also inside: During a photo shoot, Kim Kardashian ate a cheeseburger, a taco, a bite of a hot dog, a bite of KFC and two doughnuts. For lunch. Jaime Lynn Spears picked up 5 lbs. of crawfish for her baby daddy's dinner. She also likes to go to Sonic and order cheesecake bites dipped in barbecue sauce. Dannielynn Birkhead's eye condition is called strabismus, and she's getting surgery in early March. Does anyone know if that is connected to fetal alcohol syndrome?
Grade: D (hail)

Life & Style
"This Is Crazy!" Angelina took a 19 hour flight to Iraq — alone! She also traveled outside of the country's green zone. OMG. She spent most of her time talking to soldiers, and went on the trip in order to highlight the fact that 60% of Iraqi refugees are younger than 12. Intern Sharon says, "She should adopt one!" Also inside: Madonna's party for Malawi raised $5.5 million. Did Britney "lose" $60 million? She's being audited and her parents think Sam Lutfi was using her cash to pay his rent. Plus private planes, hotel rooms, shopping and an entourage don't come cheap. Right now her dad is giving her $60 a day, and if she needs more she has to explain why. Meanwhile, sis Jamie Lynn was seen in a Louisiana Wal-Mart looking depressed. Also: Fergie spent $30,000 in 2 hours at Calvin Klein in NYC; Sam Lufti was at Paris Hilton's birthday party and didn't leave her side all night; the Olsen twins go out, but they don't party out of happiness... they have trust issues and blah blah blah. Heidi Montag is turning to choreographer Shane Sparks for dance-move assistance. He plans on helping her by combining the styles of Britney, Beyoncé, Ciara and Chris Brown.
Grade: D+ (sleet)

Us
"Michelle's Final Goodbye." One of the first things you see when you open the magazine is a picture of John Mayer in a Borat-style lime green swim contraption*, which is great, since the cover story is so damn sad. Many of the details of Heath's funeral are here: Michelle broke down while reading Shakespeare's Sonnet 18, which begins, "Shall I compare thee to summer's day." Then she and the other mourners walked into the ocean, where they slapped the water and yelled Heath's name like they wanted him to hear. Also inside: Upon checking into a NYC hotel, Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham was pissed no paparazzi had followed her. "Where are the photographers? I want them alerted that I'm here!" she reportedly said. She also had lunch at Michael's and her date was late — Posh was seen sitting alone at her table fiddling with her BlackBerry and twitching in her seat for half an hour. The nerve of some people! Plus: After reading comments from people who hated her music video, Heidi Montag says, "I cried myself to sleep. I'm just a 21-year-old from a small town in Colorado trying to follow her dreams." Spencer Pratt says, "I don't think I need to defend it, it's a piece of art." Also a piece of art: The surely staged photo accompanying this article, which features Heidi sitting on a curb, holding her CD and weeping as Spencer ardently kisses her head. Lastly, Britney is making "baby steps" on the road to recovery, and her mom says she sees glimpses of her daughter coming back. Yet she continues to speak in a British accent! But Brit has no credit cards and no cash right now; she's basically grounded.
Grade: C (rain)

In Touch
"I Don't Want My Kids Back." Britney's been talking to her first husband, Jason Alexander. He claims Brit says she wants to see her boys, but doesn't want to be a full-time mom. She feels like she can always have other kids later on. (!!!!) Also inside: While Angelina was in Iraq, she wasn't scared at all — though she did wear a bullet-proof vest and have a security team of 10... the security cost of visit reportedly ran up to $100,000. Michael Lohan tells the magazine that daughter Lindsay has been on Oxycodone, Adderall, Xanax and Ambien, "But most young people shouldn't be on some of these medications. Instead, they should get spiritual guidance and exercise." Meanwhile, Lindsay was seen swapping numbers with Josh Hartnett at NYC hotspot Beatrice Inn. Lastly: Jason Biggs' fiancée is pregnant;Destiny's Child singer Kelly Rowland was upset that her solo CD didn't do as well as she'd hoped (But! She got a boob job); while the writers' strike was on, a lot of stars went off their diets — "they soften up when they're not working," the mag says. Yet they are all still very thin!
Grade: C+ (flurries)

Star
"Married In Mexico!" Britney and Adnan Ghalib had a quickie wedding back on January 9, but it's taken everyone this long to figure it out! When Britney accused her mom of sleeping witih her husband, it wasn't Kevin she was talking about — her "hubby" is Adnan. Since the elopement took place four days after she was rushed to the hospital and declared 5150, there's no telling what her mental state was during the nuptials. Plus: Adnan gets free Ed Hardy clothing on the condition that he wears it when he's with Britney (and gets photographed in it). Also inside: Knocked-up Jessica Alba says, "Every couple of hours, I turn into Satan if I don't eat something." Josh Hartnett and Helena Christensen were seen hanging all over each other; they're clinging to each other for comfort after Heath's death. Madonna probably had an eye and eyebrow lift, as well as Botox and fat injected into her face, since her eyes look different, her forehead has no lines and she's got apple-cheeks. Blind item! "Which hot TV star who is dating an award-winning singer likes to play while the cat is away? The actor has been busy making the round during NYC's fashion week trying to score with lots of ladies." Jennifer Aniston, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are all named as co-hosts of a pre-Oscar benefit in Beverly Hills on February 23. "Brad is prepared for a knock-down, drag-out fight," claims a source. Another insider says: "If Jen is nice, Angie will be nice. If Jen is mean, Angie will let her have it." Jamie Lynn Spears is known for "drinking to get wrecked." She even drank mouthwash. Residents of Kentwood, LA are spilling all her business: "I know for a fact that [baby daddy] Casey was not her first," says one. "There were at least two others." Plus! JLS was at a party recently and made out with the host. The guy asked if she'd broken up with Casey, to which Jamie Lynn reportedly replied, "I'm pregnant. I can have have sex with anyone I want. I can't get pregnant again." When that guy ran away, JLS left with some other dude, who told everyone the next day that yeah, they had sex. But now she's going to move out of her mom's house an into a double-wide trailer. "That's how we do it in Louisiana," says a source. Kirsten Dunst is a drunk, maybe because, growing up, she always had to please her mom, her acting coaches or directors and not herself. Sigh. Heath Ledger had Oxycodone in his system when he died, but there was no bottle of those pills found in the apartment. Did Mary-Kate's bodyguard arrive before the police and remove it? "The person who provided Heath those drugs can be held responsible and possibly be charged with manslaughter," says a former medical examiner. Lastly: Kirstie Alley is "lonelier than ever and packing on the pounds again"; iIn a will-they-or-won't-they wedding story that's 6 pages long, Angelina and Brad may have a Buddhist ceremony; Jessica Alba is pressuring Cash to set a date; Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts will get hitched in Australia before the end of the year; and it doesn't look good for Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo: "All they do is fight."
Grade: B (blizzard with schools & offices closed)

*As seen here.

OK!
"Yes, Angie's Pregnant!" At the SAG awards ceremony, Angelina had morning sickness in the evening, says someone working the event. "I thought she was going to lose it right there at the table." She had her food taken away and Brad had his taken away too. As for other pregnancies, Cash Warren says fiancee Jessica Alba "gets cranky when she's hungry." Who doesn't? In other news, Mary-Kate was seen out dancing to a band two days after Heath Ledger was found dead. A friend says in 2006, Heath was hanging out in a hotel and "drank everything in the mini bar" and was looking for cocaine. But when he was high Heath talked about how much he loved Matilda and said he loved Michelle but couldn't see himself marrying her. Plus, some think Nicole Richie is a little blue after having her baby, but will turn to work: She's going to put out an album, a jewelry line and a style book.
Grade: F (Sno Balls)

Us
"Heath Ledger's Secret Struggles." Sources say Heath Ledger would drink to get drunk and that Michelle Williams wanted him to get drug-tested before she'd let him spend time with Matilda. Also, she drove him to Promises rehab in Malibu and he wouldn't get out of the car — he swore he'd clean up on his own. In Britney news, she may be finally getting help: Sam Lutfi told Barbara Walters that she's been to a psychiatrist and is maybe starting some kind of treatment. (But Britney had an attitude about it and wasn't taking it seriously.) Monday, Britney's mother tried to get her to go to an in-patient psychiatric facility and Britney refused, sneaked away and asked Adnan Ghalib to come pick her up. Also inside: Kate Moss is planning legal action against UK tabloid News Of The Word because the paper reported that she celebrated her birthday with an orgy.
Grade: D- (Honey Bun)

Life & Style
"Angelina's Dangerous Pregnancy." The magazine has some random ob/gyn named Randy Fink say things like Angelina could go into pre-term labor, suffer from high blood pressure or have "extra stretching of abdominal skin." Isn't that stuff applicable to any pregnant woman? The mag also notes that Angie was "alarmingly skinny" just a few months ago. What else? Britney Spears went to see 27 Dresses and left the theater in tears! Her mom, Lynne Spears, is trying to juggle Jamie Lynn and Britney's demands: Britney says she feels like she can't get her boys back without her mom's help, but Lynne says "Jamie Lynn's my baby and I will always be there for her." Meanwhile, Jamie Lynn bought her baby daddy a used truck: Her dad wasn't happy with the old truck her boyfriend was driving his daughter around in, so they went to get something nicer. In Heath news: Matilda Ledger is "The Baby Heath Left Behind" : A L.A. neighbor says "he was such a good dad, he taught Matilda to swim in our pool." Another source says that after Michelle kicked Heath out, his drug use got worse than ever. As for Mary-Kate, she's been spotted at several NYC bars and nightspots and insiders says he partly blames herself for Heath's death because she partied with him. Lastly, Nicole Richie is so thin "looks like she was never pregnant" ; Tori Spelling is pregnant again, and motherhood is changing Nicole Kidman; an insider says "It's as if Nicole's face is suddenly thawing." Sweet.
Grade: D (pork rinds)

In Touch
"What Mary-Kate Knows" Lots more here about MK calling her bodyguard instead of 911. Also, apparently Heath had a bit of a late night before he died; his last phone call was made at 2:20 A.M. and his blood alcohol level was high. In other news: Madonna has mysterious bruises under her eyes and it could be from a filler called Sculptra, which causes more bruising than Botox or Resytlane. Or it could be lower eyelid surgery! Madge turns 50 in August, maybe she wants to look ageless? Plus,Angelina will have three more babies this year: Angie is pregnant with twins — twins run in the Pitt family; Brad's sister has twins — and also the couple still plans to adopt an Ethiopian girl they had their eye before Angie got knocked up. And Matthew McConaughey says of his unborn spawn: "He or she will hang out at the beach and go on hikes wearing wild bandanas." Lastly, The List this week is "They Hooked Up With The Help" — Usher fell in love with a stylist; Ethan Hawke is dating the nanny; Patrick Dempsey married his hair stylist.
Grade: D (quarter water; aka sugary "juice" in a plastic barrel)

Star
"Yes, It's True!" Angelina's having twins! During the Critics' Choice awards, she ordered Oreos and Doritos, even though they weren't on the menu. The mag says Angie and Brad tried to conceive a few times before the in vitro took. Also: Portia de Rossi has been ignoring Ellen DeGeneres because she's addicted to Guitar Hero III and Halle Berry is anxious about being knocked up and doesn't want to appear matronly so she's looking for designer ensembles she can wear instead of maternity clothes. In other news, John Mayer has had a thing for Paula Abdul for years but is weird and shy about it and Tom Cruise saved a hawk! He heard the bird was struck by a car in Arizona and had his private jet pick it up and fly it to a hawk sanctuary in Colorado for treatment. More: Nine out of ten nurses at Cedars-Sinai preferred Nicole Richie to Christina Aguilera because Nicole bought other mothers "push presents" and had people in "stitches" with her humor. (They were happy to see Christina go.) Heath news: Mary Kate Olsen was obsessed with Heath Ledger; she thought he was a great mix of deep thinking sexuality; they would hook up in L.A. hotels or Heath's apartment in New York. The New York Post's Cindy Adams admits that she knows nothing about the circumstances around Heath's death — but knows that some stars have private security show up at a scene before the cops to get rid of illegal substances. Sigh. Lastly, Miley Cyrus, 15, is having trouble with her high-stress lifestyle! Sometimes she can't even eat and almost passes out on stage. She thinks she looks fat in fan pictures and that her legs and face are "all jiggly" to fans in the first row at concerts.
Grade: C (Twinkies)