Her name is Lisa Ann (who also played Sarah Palin), and she leads a bunch of adult actors doing very good impersonations of Tracy Morgan, Alec Baldwin, Jane Krakowski and the rest of the gang. While we haven't seen any of the naked action, what comes between the scenes is dead-on. If the actors can get that right, than delivering a relentless rogering should be easy. Oh, and wait for "I'm a black robot, motherfucker," to be on a T-shirt in Times Square by the end of next week. If you want to buy the movie, click here [NSFW, unless you work in a strip club].

This new movie is the latest in a long line of smutty features based on beloved TV shows. How did this happen? Well, porn producers figured out that people like prepackaged commodities and that if they made these parodies, then people like us would write about them and give them free advertising. Damn, trapped again! But this one appears really worth it. We're not falling into this trap again for The Fucks of Life.

The book went to press within 48 hours after the King of Pop's death, and rocketed to number one on the New York Times bestseller list last week. Hastily thrown together, Unmasked is rife with typos and questionable "anonymous sources." Shoddy, shady, and sleazy, I think I read it almost as quickly as author Ian Halperin typed it up.

Halperin claims that he started the project a while back because he was out to prove, once and for all, that Michael Jackson was a pedophile, but in his research, discovered that he was not. (The resulting work is pretty biased, but some evidence presented makes for some decent-albeit comparatively crude-rebuttals to Maureen Orth's thorough and persuasive reporting on Michael Jackson for Vanity Fair.)

Much has been made of Jackson's infamous sleepovers with young boys at his Neverland Ranch, and Mark Ronson, along with his friend Sean Lennon, participated in some of them. One anecdote of Ronson's - which he originally told on a British TV show - appears in the book:

We used to watch the porn channel because we were like, ten, and, 'Oh my God, tits!' So Michael was in bed. And me and Sean said, 'Michael, do you want to see something cool?' We turned the dial to the porn channel and there were strippers shaking their tits around. We were like, 'Michael, Michael, how cool is this?' We turned around and he was cringing, saying, 'Ooh, stop it, stop it, ooh, it's so silly.' We were like, 'Michael, you have to look, maybe you're not seeing it right, it's naked girls!' He was not down with the program whatsoever! I think he had really strong feminist views on porn.

He's cute. Anyway, while the story doesn't prove that Michael always behaved appropriately around his young guests, it does kind of point to something that I always thought: He was probably gay. Halperin thinks so, too. In fact, in his book, Halperin actually claims that Michael hit on him at a pizza parlor (more on that in sec).

Halperin claimed to have spoken to two of Michael's "gay lovers." (Redundant term!) One was a "Hollywood waiter, the other an aspiring actor." He claims to have seen photos "corroborating" the relationships. The best bit comes from "Lawrence," the actor:

He was very shy, but when he started to have sex, he was insatiable. He was a bottom, but he was so thin, I worried that I would break him. The very first time he blew me, he said, 'The King of Pop's going to lick your lollipop.' I still laugh thinking about that.

Me too.

One of Halperin's sources was supposedly someone who worked in Jackson's camp. The source tipped him off that Jackson and his children were going to a Hollywood pizza parlor, so Halperin "got in [his] hairdresser's disguise" and sped over there. Of the encounter Halperin said:

We talked about old Hollywood movies and hairstyles, which I had researched for months before I took on this undercover persona. Michael went on and on about the Hollywood hairstyles of the silver screen during the forties and fifties. 'No one has come along with such class and style since Deborah Kerr, Dorothy Lamour, and Susan Hayward,' he said…At one point during our conversation at the pizza joint, Jackson put his hand over mine. I then wondered if the singer was hitting on me. After staring at me for over a minute in complete silence, he told me my blue eyes reminded him of Frank Sinatra…It was one of the most intense moments I have ever experienced looking into another man's eyes.

This was also good:

I had been trying to persuade [Jackson] to change his look to a platinum blond wig with a streak of ocean-blue down the middle.

But my absolute favorite passage was in regards to Liza Minnelli. After failing to score an interview with Jackson's best friend Elizabeth Taylor, Halperin, again, went undercover as a gay hairdresser, and hung out at a dance rehearsal studio he knew Liza frequented, cornered her, and told her he had been Ava Gardner's hair and makeup artist before she died. That was the clincher, and Liza invited him to hang out with her in the back room of the studio, where she shared a joint with him and some other dancers. Despite the fact that she was stoned, Liza didn't really give up any of the goods on Jackson, but she still sounds like a fun hang:

I told her that Ava was a huge fan of Jackson and used to practice some of his dance moves. At that, she let out a trademark Liza Minnelli laugh. It proved to be infectious…especially after Liza stood up and did an impression of Ava Gardner attempting to moonwalk.

Seriously, the writing in adult films has gone to hell. Where have all the great porn screenwriters of yesteryear gone? What scourge against humanity, against everything that is righteous and good, could possibly compel humans to alter their porn consumption habits to the point that it becomes more viable economically for porn production companies to skip the dialogue and get straight to the boinking? Anyone have any guesses?

The actress known as Savanna Samson once relished preparing for a role. "I couldn't wait to get my next script," she said.

There's no reason to look at them anymore, she said, because her movies now call almost exclusively for action. Specifically, sex.

The pornographic movie industry has long had only a casual interest in plot and dialogue. But moviemakers are focusing even less on narrative arcs these days. Instead, they are filming more short scenes that can be easily uploaded to Web sites and sold in several-minute chunks.

"On the Internet, the average attention span is three to five minutes," said Steven Hirsch, co-chairman of Vivid Entertainment. "We have to cater to that."

Ahhhh, the internet, of course! Damn you stupid internet—You ruin everything!

Lights, Camera, Lots of Action. Forget the Script [New York Times]
pic of Sasha Gray and Belladonna via Fleshbot

Los Angeles County health officials said Thursday that at least 16 additional unpublicized cases of HIV have been confirmed in adult film performers.

The newly released data bring the number of HIV cases in porn performers in the last five years to 22, including the case disclosed this week.

In 2004, a porn star named Darren James shut down the entire porn industry for a month after he infected three of his co-stars with HIV. Health advocates are using this new disclosure as an opportunity to push for mandatory condoms in all porn shoots. The porn industry responds, collectively, "No." Although:

Since 2004, 2,378 people who identified themselves as adult film industry performers have tested positive for chlamydia in Los Angeles County. An additional 1,357 tested positive for gonorrhea and 15 for syphilis, according to data released Thursday by the county's health department.

What is porn about if not safety and health?
[LAT]

The film, which premiered at the Tribeca Film Festival on Tuesday, will be released on May 22 in New York and Los Angeles and on demand on the TV network HDNet. It follows an escort named Chelsea who charges $2,000 an hour to act as a client's girlfriend for the night, providing more intimacy than just sex. (In the film's opening scene, Chelsea and her client are shown at a chic Manhattan restaurant discussing the film they just saw - Man on Wire - going back to his apartment and making out, and then having breakfast and reading The New York Times together the next morning.) The story takes place over five days in October 2008, and is partially improvised by the mostly unprofessional actors, who play versions of themselves, like New York magazine staff writer Mark Jacobson, who plays a journalist, and movie critic Glenn Kenny, who plays an escort reviewer. (Some readers may recall that Kenny served as writer David Foster Wallace's editor and sidekick when the duo attended the AVN Awards for a piece for Premiere magazine.) But the casting choice that has garnered the film so much attention is that the main character is played by real-life porn star Sasha Grey.

At the Tribeca Film Festival, Soderburgh explained that he chose Grey precisely because of her porn persona, The Guardian reports. "With Sasha, you can within seconds see her do anything you can imagine with her clothes off," he said. "What you can't see is what it's like to be her boyfriend, to hang out with her and be emotionally intimate with her. So my whole theory is that's the fantasy for those who've been double-clicking – that they want to spend 77 minutes being her boyfriend."

As Soderbergh put it, Sasha Grey is "not the normal adult film star." Grey is 21, but has appeared in 150 adult films and branded herself as a "new" kind of pornstar since beginning her career at the age of 18. According to the Associated Press, Grey is known for "pushing the boundaries of normal sexual acts," but, "she maintains she's always in control." Vanessa Grigoriadis, who profiled Sasha Grey for the new issue of Rolling Stone explains:

Sasha Grey is the adult industry's reigning princess of porn, a rock & roll 21-year-old with an actual mission statement - "Most of the XXX I see is boring, and does not arouse me physically or visually. I am determined and ready to be a commodity that fulfills everyone's fantasies" - and few taboos.

Grey, who is co-managed by former Jane's Addiction guitarist Dave Navarro (and appeared in the porn film he directed), has modeled for American Apparel, and sung with the reggae musician Lee "Scratch" Perry. She says she is striving to make porn more artistic; Grigoriadis asserts she is changing the relationship between feminism and porn:

"Porn has been one of feminism's most divisive issues because it hits on such a raw level to so many woman. Here are the fantasies of men, and it's of course better to live out those fantasies through pornography than to try to do them in the real world, but the fact is the real world is impacted by it. Grey says, ‘If you look at me and you think "Here's a woman who's intelligent, cognizant and making her own choices, and you still tell me that what I'm doing is wrong, screw you, because that should end the debate.' "

Grey's appearance in The Girlfriend Experience has been interpreted as the first step in her attempt to go mainstream like former adult actresses Traci Lords and Jenna Jameson, but according to our sister site, Fleshbot, (link NSFW):

If anything, we suspect that Sasha is attempting to remake the notion of what a mainstream star is, and does-much the way she's remade any notions of what an 18-year-old pornstar looks and sounds like .... it's also possible that Sasha could rise to fame in the mainstream cinema while continuing to work as an adult star-perhaps completely remaking our notions of what it means to have crossover appeal.

Though Grey doesn'tactually have sex on screen in The Girlfriend Experience, Soderbergh says that he felt comfortable casting her because "Porn is beyond everywhere now." He told Time Out New York that he thinks prostitution should be legal and does not consider the prostitute in his film a victim. When asked what he would say to someone who has been roped into a life of prostitution, he replied:

Well, there are people for whom that is true. That's not the case with Chelsea any more than it is with Sasha in the adult-film industry. But, yeah, I think whatever agreement two people want to come to about whatever is really none of my business. I don't know what the difference is between that and what I'm doing for Sony Pictures right now [directing Moneyball].

According to the Village Voice review:

Like Godard, Soderbergh views prostitution as the ultimate paradigm for capitalism. But where Godard saw the hooker as a tragic or exploited victim, Soderbergh suggests there are no victims, only failed traders, in the post-Reagan era of DIY capitalism.

And, says Variety's review, the film de-emphasizes the sex involved in Chelsea's work and portrays her as a woman in control of her own get-rich-quick scheme, much like her clients who strive to make a fortune in the world of finance.

From reviews and interviews, it appears Soderbergh was striving for some sort of meta commentary on how capitalism makes prostitutes and porn stars of us all. The johns in the movie delude themselves into thinking they're experiencing a higher level of intimacy with "the girlfriend experience" than they would by just having sex with a prostitute. Similarly, Soderbergh suggests that audience members, who have presumably seen Grey's porn films, will delude themselves into thinking they are experiencing her on a more intimate level by watching her act in a mainstream film rather than a porn film. But by focusing on a high priced escort who chose to get into prostitution, and having her portrayed by an actress described as an atypical pornstar who feels in control of her career, he conveniently ignores the fact that many women in both industries are exploited. Soderbergh is certainly allowed to use the old fantasy of a sex worker who simply loves her work. However, by ignoring the uglier side of the sex trade, he undermines his argument that his film reflects any underlying truths about sex, pornography, or society.

Trailer for The Girlfriend Experience:



Steven Soderbergh On The Girlfriend Experience: 'I Hired Real People And Turned Them Loose' [The Guardian]
Porn Star Sasha Grey Stars In New Soderbergh Film [The Associated Press]
Sasha Grey, The Dirtiest Girl In The World: The Story Behind The Story [Rolling Stone]
Sasha Grey, Crossover Star (NSFW) [Fleshbot]
Steven Soderbergh Interview [Time Out New York]
Soderbergh's Girlfriend Experience Porn-Star Is A True Character [The Village Voice]
The Girlfriend Experience Review [Variety]

Earlier: Dave Navarro Makes Porno Debut
American Apparel Now Sponsoring Bloggers & Porn Stars (NSFW)
Oprah Learns About The Ins-N-Outs Of Legal Prostitution

Basically he told a little story about his days as a model. One day someone suggested that he go into porn. Giddy with delight, Meredith Vieira said "so you were thisclose to a career in pornography." Barker laughed and said "well, more like this___close." Oh Meredith, you minx.

So there may be an alternate, Sliders-esque dimension somewhere where instead of helping people play Plinko, Barker was doing the, uh, plinking himself. On camera. But in this world, it never happened. Rod Roddy, though? He has a name that sounds like he dabbled in some extreme hardcore pornography in the early/late 80's.

Ads for the movie are being rejected across the nation! Boston ads drew complaints. Philly banned them altogether. And in Los Angeles, the dastardly marketing scheme is preventing children from understanding a baseball strategy in which a runner on third base breaks for home as the pitch is thrown and the batter simultaneously bunts, which can pay off in a run unless the batter misses the bunt, in which case it's almost surely an out at the plate:

One complaint came from a man watching a game in September with his young son, who did not understand a suicide-squeeze bunt the Dodgers tried, Rawitch said.

"He was explaining to his son what a squeeze bunt was. Commercial break, the ad comes on, and the kid asks, `Dad, what does porno mean?'" Rawitch said. "Dodgers baseball has always been about family, and we've always been sensitive to the type of advertising that runs on our games."

Is there nothing Seth Rogen's sex drive cannot destroy? [AP]

"My Girlfriend Got Fat And I Find Her Less Attractive Now." from Pot Psychology on Vimeo.

Kozinski suspended until Monday the obscenity trial of a Hollywood adult filmmaker after the prosecutor requested time to explore "a potential conflict of interest concerning the court having a . . . sexually explicit website with similar material to what is on trial here."

Although Kozinski requested an investigation, it's unclear what, if any, discipline he could face. Circuit judges are appointed for life and can only be fired by Congress, though they can be censured by fellow jurists.

The "fired-by-Congress" angle got a slight nudge Thursday from Senator and Judiciary Committee member Dianne Feinstein, who told the Times that "[i]f this is true, this is unacceptable behavior for a federal court judge." Meanwhile, the very NSFW photos in question are linked at Patterico.com, including the one of two naked women on all fours painted as cows, a man fellating himself and a tranny-or-not? slideshow quiz.

It gets better: All were provided by a Beverly Hills lawyer named Cyrus Sanai, who's apparently nursed a long-standing grudge against Kozinski after the judge called him out for abusing his 9th Circuit Court of Appeals as payback for abstaining from a Sanai clan divorce saga:

Mr. Sanai has been trying for years to get the federal courts to intervene in his family's state-court dispute, an effort referred to by a highly respected district judge as "an indescribable abuse of the legal process, ... the most abusive and obstructive litigation tactics this court has ever encountered. ..." Nor would the reader — unless he happened to enter Mr. Sanai's name in the Westlaw CTA9-ALL database — realize that, as part of the same imbroglio, he and certain members of his family have hounded a state trial judge off their case; been held in contempt and sanctioned under 28 U.S.C. §1927 and had their ninth sortie to our court in the same case designated as "frivolous" and "an improper dilatory tactic" by the district court. A detached observer, Mr. Sanai is not.

Yowza! And all this time, all we thought we'd get out of this was a free look at Hollywood Scat Amateurs No. 7. Did we hit the jackpot, or what?

• Alex Kozinski calls for investigation into his porn postings [LAT]

• Judge Kozinski's web site and Cyrus Sanai [Overlawyered]

In a statistic that some may find every bit as shocking as his work, Isaacs said he was selling about 1,000 videos per month at $30 apiece before being raided by the FBI early last year. The number has since dropped to between 700 and 800 per month, but they still generate enough money to pay the rent on a house with a pool in the Hollywood Hills.

Isaacs predicted that many jurors would not be able to stomach viewing the movies, some of which feature acts of bestiality and defecation.

"It's going to be a circus," he said of the upcoming trial. "I think I'd freak out if I had to watch six hours of the stuff."

Our question is that, besides Hollywood trial royalty Dominick Dunne and Allison Hope Weiner, what might the over/under be for gallery attendance? Isaacs already has one of the state's foremost freedom-of-speech judges on the bench; a packed house could influence a stirring constitutional benchmark and/or the most depraved happy hour in human history. One thing we know: You won't find us within a mile of it.

• Upcoming trial will see hours of hard-core fetish pornography [LAT]

Correspondent Susannah Breslin has Isaacs' noble and only mildly revolting story via Q&A, hopefully in a disinfected room or on a phone with a condom pulled over it:

ISAACS: I was one of the first to do this. Getting actresses to participate in this art venture is not the easiest thing in the world. Picasso had problems as well. And [Marcel] Duchamp with the toilet [Urinal, a signed urinal exhibited in an art gallery]. [James Joyce's] Ulysses was up for obscenity. I felt like I'm never going to be a great musician, I'm never going to be a great oil painter. Here, I had a chance to shock a lot of people. My movies that I make, there's a lot contrast, there's a lot of social commentary. How people deal with taboos. How people see something so mundane. The contrast between feces and a beautiful girl. Good and evil. ...

RADAR: Were you worried about getting busted?

ISAACS: January 17 [2007], I'm going to my office in Koreatown, and there's 20 to 25 FBI agents. They're in my office. They're in my hallway. There's these two big guys. "Are you Mr. Isaacs?" they say. "Come with me." They walk me down the hallway, into my office. There's FBI all over the place. But I'll tell you, they were very, very pleasant people. They were really nice. Those guys would rather be fighting terrorism than being the sex police. The FBI guy was as curious as you are. He asked me, "Off the record," he asked me, "How do you convince girls to do this kind of stuff?" I said, "I do it very well."

Transfixed as we are by the concept of "good and evil" as represented by a dump on someone's face, we're afraid we must sit this trial out at risk of our own standards-and-practices violation and/or years of nightmares. You are in luck, though, dear reader, as indefatigable Huffington Post legal correspondent Allison Hope Weiner will be moving on to this shitty case upon the end of jury deliberations in the Anthony Pellicano trial. Good luck to Mr. Isaacs; may we never know first-hand what a true master he is.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• But Is It Obscene? [Radar]

"Crazy" James from this season of Big Brother ejaculated on people for cash.

American Gladiator Militia (née Alex Castro) did some nudie pics for the gays.

Big old American Idol belter Frenchie Davis was disqualified from the competition after topless internet photos surfaced. She's gone on to enjoy a career in theatre.

Another American Idol wannabe, Antonella Barba, was embroiled in a scandal about some photos that she took that were maybe just for fun but, of course, ended up on the internet. She went home. Not because of the photos, but because she was an awful singer.

Survivor: Thailand's Brian Heidik (heh) did soft-core porn in such films as The Virgins of Sherwood Forest before he stranded himself on an island and ate grubs for the promise of money.

Jonathan from Fox's Una1mous masturbated on or around SUVs for a spell.

Shockingly a contestant on Rock of Love (the show where Brett Michaels sifts through old groupies to find the least ridiculously depressing one) named Brandi M. had done porn before drunkenly oozing her way around a mansion in the Valley (oh, wait), earning her the nickname "B.J. Brandi."

American Idol's Danny Noriega wants Santa Claus to fuck your mother. OK, it's not porn or anything, but I hate him.

Who did we miss? Let us know.

Please know that from here on out, most links will be NSFW, as are the images after the jump.

So that picture of me above with that sex doll? That's a knock-off of a Real Doll. They are $5,000 (about $1,500 less than a Real Doll), and it's really obviously a jankier version. Some random dude walked over to us as I was feeling her up and he said, "Looks like my ex-wife. She couldn't cook, but man could she fuck." And then he walked away. I'm thinking those sort of one-way, TMI conversations with strangers is fairly commonplace here.

The lady working the booth wouldn't let me touch the doll's face, but I touched its "breast" instead and found out that it's made out of sticky material. (Either that or someone's already had their way with her). After we walked away from that booth, Jonno pulled out some Purell and I thought, "Oh, damn, good idea."

We turned the corner and saw the real Real Doll booth. The skin on the samples they had around were much smoother. It's kind of amazing to see them in real life, because they're just too realistic. Even the half-body versions were confusing me in my peripheral vision; I kept thinking they were people staring at me. And this display caught my eye:

You can swap out the peens for different lengths and girths, depending on your mood, I guess. When I saw all of them together I couldn't help but think about how everyone always raves about the buffets in Vegas.

Oh and this is the face of the doll that was featured in Lars and the Real Girl. (Not to be a square or a whatevs, but that poster of Ryan Gosling did a lot more for me and my vagina than anything else I'd seen on the floor today.)

There isn't much of a gay presence this year at the convention (or says Jonno, my tour guide), but I did meet these dudes from Naked Swords, an on-demand video site. Check out that bulge in the pants of the tan dude on the left.

Oh, so I've only got one toy so far. They wouldn't give it to me for free to test and review, but I got one for wholesale. It's called the Fukuoku Five-Finger Massage Glove. An older woman dressed as a cop with a badge that read "Sexy" used it on my back and it felt like heaven (I'll let you know how it feels on my vagina as soon as a I get a minute alone), while an older dude dressed in hospital scrubs was demonstrating an electric toothbrush vibrator on my neck and arms. He was a close talker. Oh, and then I caught what his hospital scrubs said:

That's "pussy shaver" in case you aren't able to make it out.

We didn't do the whole floor today, since we still have all day tomorrow. We were kinda exhausted and hungry and had a bit of mall head. But just outside the convention center, in the hallway, I saw these women, who were AWESOME.

They aren't working a booth or with any company. They independently put out a DVD, the name of which I never caught. And they were a lot of fun. I went to take a picture of them, and some hotel security woman came over to me and was like, "No pictures in the hallway." The girl on the far right was like, "She can take a picture of me if she want. Go 'head, baby. Snap. Snap-snap. Snap it, girl."

Tonight we're going to a Village Voice/Babeland party, so I'll be reporting back from that. I'll also be posting some fashion galleries tomorrow. I'm praying that I get into some major shit tonight. I'm thinking it won't be too hard to achieve. Anyway, this is just the introduction to my Vegas Diary. Now that I've got all the boring shit out of the way, we can delve into the debauchery tomorrow.

Oh, and as I sign off, here is the view from my room:

Rita Rudner! Her eyes are freaking me out.

Earlier: All Dolled Up With No Place To Go

Holmes (whom we've just discovered bears little resemblance to Tom Cruise's war bride—maybe they could shackle her to a radiator?) and her partners in conspicuous devirginization have established a no-frills web presence to keep the public up to date on the progress of True Diary: I'm a Virgin, a title we're sure will be soon replaced by an unimaginative perversion of the Mainstream Holmes' fine movie work. (Oh, if we must: Porking Mrs. Tingle or Phone Booth Full of Anal Sluts.) As far as we know, Cruise—ready to unleash hell on his wife's signal—hasn't called down the fury of his Scary Hollywood Lawyer or Even Scarier Celebrity Centre Theta-Force upon Katee yet, but if the contents of the new site are suddenly replaced by a PG-rated teaser trailer for Mad Money and a countdown clock ticking off the minutes to its premiere, we can assume that the protective spouse has finally decided enough is enough.

• Katee Holmes' Porn Career Gets Fast Tracked [Fleshbot]
• EXCLUSIVE KATEE HOLMES WEBSITE! [virgintape.com]
• Previously: Deflowering Katee Holmes [Defamer]

• NSFW: Keira Knightley Goes Hardcore (Sorta) [Fleshbot]
• NSFW: Keira Knightley is getting banged at trasures island. [Sinful Comics]
• Keira's comic porn shocker [The Sun UK]