. . .

Costumes:
Even though she's pictured in the trademark fedora on the cover, Ava Rose's Jones generally opts for the topless look, eschewing the Indy's customary leather and khakis for a more breezy, summertime feel. You never know when a quick costume change might help you slip into a particularly well-guarded tomb.
Advantage: Carolina

Tools:
Indy uses his trusty whip for just about everything, while Carolina, oddly enough, opts for a boomerang with which she pummels aggressive suitors.
Advantage: Indy (But only because you can't swing over a pit of snakes with a boomerang.)

Sidekick:
In "Temple of Doom," Indy adopted Short Round, a small, wisecracking Chinese boy with a funny voice and a wisdom beyond his years. In "Broken Covenant," Carolina adopts Dixie (played by the adventurous Bree Olson), a buxom, wisecracking Southern girl with a funny voice and a wisdom beyond her years. (Sample advice to her companion. "You've got a pussy, dont'cha? Use it or lose it!") Short Round distracts guards by running between their legs. Dixie just fucks them.
Advantage: Carolina (Duh.)

Villains:
Never trust shady European treasure hunters with white hair! Indy is haunted at every turn by dirty Frenchman René Belloq, then turncoat Walter Donovan, then Soviet minx Irina Spalko who wants to mind rape everyone in America. Meanwhile, Carolina is seized by a crazy old coot who nearly kills her and her friends in his backyard. However, none compare to Arnold Toht, the evil Gestapo agent who is both creepy and psychotic, burning the key to the Well of the Souls right into the palm of his hand without missing a beat. Fortunately, each one of these people eventually get their faces melted off.
Advantage: Indy

Evil Henchmen:
Bad guys in all the movies employ an army of faceless olive drab clones who are either German, Russian, Nazi, or all of the above. Carolina's pursuers can also be spotted driving leftover Soviet trucks, so all your evil empire bases are covered.
Advantage: Draw

Femme Fatales:
Nikky Blond (as Helga) bears a striking resembles to "The Last Crusade"'s Alison Doody, though she dies much earlier. But what a death it is, coming shortly after a boning session down in the catacombs.
Advantage: Carolina

Accents:
We're not sure which was more forced—Bree Olson's high-pitched southern drawl or Cate Blanchett's fussy Russian dominatrix. But Bree is just so adorable, we can't possibly knock her down.
Advantage: Carolina

Gruesome Fates:
Besides the spiked dildo to the head above, the most striking parallel between the two films is that both "Crystal Skull" and "Broken Covenant" feature a scene where the bad guy meets a horrible end at the tiny claws and teeth of ravenous, man-eating fire ants. Not a good way to go. Having honey poured on your cock before they devour it is just adding insult to injury.
Advantage: Carolina

Treasure:
Carolina is also on the hunt for the Ark of the Covenant; the very same artifact that made her dad famous. (Yes, you read that right .... Carolina is Indy's daughter! And much better behaved than her greaser brother, if you ask us.) Papa comes to the rescue to save the Ark and his brood, which is a little disappointing, because we think Carolina could have handled herself just fine. Just like the last time, foolish people pay for messing with the Ark and the Jones family, although the aforementioned face-melting still makes us cringe to this day. Advantage: Indy

Sex:
Indy is a legendary cocksman, bagging lady friends from Nepal to Vienna to Shanghai. Carolina, however, does not follow in his footsteps. In fact, she's only had sex with one man in her whole life! He was a suave treasure hunter who broke her heart and left her unable to love. (That's why his penis gets eaten by ants.) The tables are turned however, when "Crystal Skull" finds Indy settling down with his baby mama while Carolina finally buries her man troubles (literally!) and makes up for her lack of sexual experience in a big way.
Advantage: Like you have to ask?

And the winner is ... Only one movie this summer will give you action, adventure, treasure, and a sizzling hot anal threesome. We think the choice is clear.

· Adam & Eve's "Carolina Jones And The Broken Covenant" (official film site @ carolinajonesxxx.com)
· Order: "Carolina Jones And The Broken Covenant" (Adult DVD Empire)

* * * * *

Previously: Ava Rose In "Carolina Jones And The Broken Covenant" (Yes, That Was Quick)

If you listen closely to the soundtrack of Richard Linklater's "Fast Food Nation", you might hear some familiar moans and squeals coming from somewhere offscreen (and no, we don't mean the ones coming from the livestock during the abatoir scenes): they belong to Fleshbot Commandress-In-Chief Joanna Angel and Sabrina Sparks, who lent their talents to a short clip by porn auteur Eon McKai that was commissioned for the film. Alas, only the audio portion of the video was used in the final cut, but you can see it in its entirety on Eon's site—where you can also read how his fanboy dreams came true via a thank-you copy of "Slacker" autographed by Linklater himself. Who said there was no such thing as a happy ending where porn was concerned?

· "Porno 101" (QuickTime video @ eonmckai.com)
· Eon's Blog: "I have been knighted a SLACKER (aka eon is a fan boy)" (eonmckai.com)

Previously: DVD Review: "Girls Lie", DVD Preview: "Joanna Angel's Guide to Humping", Suicide Girls + Eon McKai Music Video

• Unan1mous' Adam and Tarah are actors; Jonathan appeared nude in gay porn [reality blurred]
• [unan1mous Official Site]

A top producer of hard-core porn will start selling downloadable movies that customers can burn to DVD and watch on their TVs, illustrating how Southern California's multibillion-dollar adult entertainment industry may again set the technological pace for Hollywood. [...]

Los Angeles-based Vivid will start selling burnable movies May 8 through online movie service CinemaNow. [...]

Vivid, producer of such titles as "Bad Wives" and "Generation Sex," will offer 30 downloadable videos for about $19.95 apiece that include everything that is on a standard DVD — cover art, scene navigation, bonus material and deleted scenes.

It won't be long before the major studios follow suit with the cross-platform service. (Currently, their feature film downloads are only viewable on a computer.) Of course, having mainstream and XXX entertainment available on the same movie purchase site is only asking for trouble: One wayward click on CinemaNow's catalog could result in you stumbling in on your terrified children watching the hi-def adventures of The Anal Princess Diaries.

• Porn Industry Again at the Tech Forefront [LAT]

• PILFERED POOCH [NY Post]
• Related: DVD: "Reign of Tera" [Fleshbot]