Gawker: defamer, polls

Decide the Next Real World Location

Richard Lawson — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 15:01:33 EDT

As mentioned earlier, MTV has ordered four more seasons of The Real World. But, really, what cities are there left to send the seven gurgling strangers? Where should they go next? Let's do a poll:

For those in need of refresher, the 22 seasons thus far have been: New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, London, Miami, Boston, Seattle, Hawaii, New Orleans, Back to New York, Chicago, Las Vegas, Paris, San Diego, Philly, Austin, Key West (srsly), Denver, Sydney, Hollywood, Crooklyn.

So:

Vote Now For 'Oprah Winfrey Ryan' and 8 Other Celebrity Baby Names of the Future

STV — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 17:25:00 EDT

You might not guess it at first, but in the schema of exotic celebrity baby-adopting, obtaining the child is often the easiest part of the whole endeavor. Especially for Meg Ryan, who regaled David Letterman's viewers Friday night with her tale of baby procural in the farthest-flung reaches of China. As she navigated the teeming metropolis of her daughter's birth, at the mercy of maternal instinct and Google Maps directions 12 pages long, she fielded one e-mail after another recommending potential baby names. Among the most intriguing was a note from an unnamed "bipolar" friend who offered the brilliant suggestion "Oprah Winfrey Ryan." Sadly, after a month of deliberation, Ryan went with "Daisy" — tired, we know, but not for lack of inspiration. We think that celebrity offspring named after celebrities is an idea whose time has come.

Hear Ryan's story after the jump, and join us in selecting the top celebrity-celebrity baby names of the future. Help us help her to not make the same mistake twice.

The Late Show With David Letterman [CBS]

So Really, Which Actor Raped His Gay Lover?

Richard Lawson — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 13:55:00 EDT

So, remember that blind item from Monday about the "hunk in a summer movie" who is secretly gay and violent and awful and sneaked into his boyfriend's house and raped him? It's one of the crazier blind items we've read, and has been the Talk of the Internet (the whole internet! even Alex Balk is intrigued!) this week, with people desperately trying to figure out which star is Just Like Us. I mean, not like us. The opposite of us. Out of the dense fog of speculation, three clear candidates have emerged: Christian Bale, Will Smith, and (gasp!) James Franco.

Christian Bale could be the gay rapist because he already murdered his mother then salted the earth so no other moms could grow. Plus we don't know much about his personal life other than that he's married. You know, to a lady. Still, doesn't mean he's not a disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde-reading, Streisand ticket-holding, friend of Dorothy. The scuttlebutt around the big celebrity weeklies is that it was the American Psycho who committed the heinous act.

It could be Will Smith who got non-consensually jiggy because gay rumors have plagued him for years, reaching a fever pitch as fellow possible-'mo Tom Cruise led him (by which body part??!) into the dank recesses of Scientology—a supermarket checkout rack religion often thought to be a celebrity haven for gaydom and tax dodging. Plus he played a homosexual gay person in a movie once! The violence stuff would be news to me, but who knows what roiling darkness lurks in the heart of the Fresh Prince? Plus this guy says it was Will, though he implies that it was just rough sex play, not rape.

And then there's the compelling case of James Franco. Basically the rumor is that Franco dated the guy about two years ago, and still had a key to his house. Guy goes to an Oscars party, comes back and Franco is waiting for him and then awfulness goes down. He's rumored to have been abusive towards an old girlfriend, also an actor, some five years ago. This makes me sad because James Franco is dreamy and oh if he were gay we'd surely be married next spring, but if he's a raper then I don't want anything to do with him and he should be in jail. So. Boo. I dunno. He does do a wicked James Dean, who, as we know, was a buggerer. Plus, he's leaving the leggy blond bimbos of Los Angeles to go to writing school in New York. That's pretty geigh.

So who do you think it is? Take our Very Important Poll below and weigh in on this highly galvanizing matter. (And don't say anything stupid in the comments... it's a 'Mo News Day.)

Tatum O'Neal: 'The Dog Ate My Sobriety'

Mark Graham — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 18:30:00 EDT

When word broke yesterday that Oscar winner Tatum "My Career Peaked Before I Had Pubes" O'Neal was pinched by the NYPD for buying crack off a vagrant, we found her initial explanation that she was simply doing research for a role just a bit far-fetched. After all, color us jaded, but we found it out of the realm of believability that late night trips through alleyways in search of crack rock would help her prep for her role as a mother in the sure-to-be-classic made-for-TV movie Fab Five: The Texas Cheerleading Scandal. So we were less than surprised to find no mention of this blatant falsehood when we saw the cover story in this morning's NY Post. We were, however, surprised to find a scad of other statements in the piece that sounded even less believable than her original "it was research" claim. After the jump, please play along as we help to decide which of her lies is the most egregious.

Vote early and often!

TATUM TO COPS: THANKS! [NY Post]

Which Is The Most Pathetic Celebrity Excuse?

Richard Lawson — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 16:12:00 EDT

Ohh poor beleaguered celebrities. When caught drug-handed or with pants down, they often have to make very public excuses for their un-role modely behavior. The latest came from former child star Tatum O'Neal, who was arrested for trying to buy crack in New York on Sunday night. She says she was sober, but had been chasing the dragon around the streets of New Amsterdam because she was distraught over the death of her dog. She claims she didn't know she was buying crack, and yet was in possession of a crack pipe. Oh, Tatum. A little darling no more. Also, lie better. There are other wonderfully silly celebrity excuses (including another one involving a dog!) waiting for you after the jump. Tell us which one you think is the worst.

Kevin Spacey Was Just Walking His Dog, Not Trolling For Gay Sex
When police came to the rescue of the actor in a London park at 4:30am, Spacey claimed to have been mugged while walking his dog. When asked what the bloody 'ell he was doing out and about so late, Spacey replied "you know walking your dog in the park is a perfectly normal thing to do, but you know I think that they are always trying to, you know, (say) 'What was he doing in that park at 4.30 a.m.?' My doggy had to go!" Right. He later retracted his mugging story, and claimed that he had fallen for a con in which someone stole his cell phone. He tripped while running after the bandit, thus injuring himself. He most certainly was not punched in the face after making advances on a drunken waiter, or, you know, looking for a little anonymous hump.

Winona Ryder Thought She Was Allowed to Steal Things
When the peculiar actress was arrested for shoplifting thousands of dollars worth of merchandise at a Los Angeles Saks Fifth Avenue, Ryder reportedly told a security guard that she was on the job, saying "I was told that I should shoplift. The director said I should try it out.'' Hah. It was research! For a role! Which makes it legal. Like when O.J. killed his wife and Ron Goldman because he heard Nordberg might be a killer in the never-filmed Naked Gun 44 1/4. Ryder, of course, later blamed it on drugs.

Lindsay Lohan Borrows Coke Pants
When the sort-of actress was in a car that was pulled over and was found to have Colombian marching powder in her pockets, she told police officers that the pants she was wearing were not hers. Implying that she had been wearing someone else's slacks for such a short amount of time that she hadn't yet realized that there were drugs in the pockets. We're not sure whose pants they may have been. Lindsay is supposedly cleaned up now, after several stints in rehab. Though we have no word on whether or not her trouser trading continues unabated.

Ashlee Simpson's Acid Reflux
When the "singer," who is the sister of sorta more famous singer/professional idiot Jessica, was performing on Saturday Night Live, she was exposed as an evil lip-syncer when the wrong vocal track was played at the top of her second number. She did a lame little hoedown jig, then slunk off stage. She later claimed that she had to use a vocal track because of severe acid reflux. The people of the world collectively patted her head in a condescending way and sent her, lack of vocal skills and all, trotting off into the sunset. She's now married and pregnant and, oh yeah, a terrible singer.

Eddie Murphy Runs a Hooker Taxi Service
When he got caught with a transsexual prostitute in his car, the comedian said "I was being a good Samaritan. It's not the first hooker I've helped out. I've seen hookers on corners... and I'll pull over... and they'll go, Oh you're Eddie Murphy, oh my God, and I'll empty my wallet out to help." Oh he's so noble!

Which ones did we miss?

John Travolta: Biggest Environmental Hypocrite

Hamilton Nolan — Wed, 07 May 2008 12:33:10 EDT

According to the results of our poll yesterday, you, our angry readers, believe John Travolta is a worse environmental hypocrite than any other celebrity! This one was a runaway. Travolta got 48% of the vote, crushing second-place hypocrite(s) Brangelina, who only got 18%. Barbra Streisand (17%) was a close third, followed by Madonna (11%), Chris Martin (5%), and Leonardo Dicaprio, who you guys must really have a crush on, at just 2%. From the comments, it appears that Travolta's whole "owning five personal planes and having a runway in my yard" thing really pushed him over the top. A wise choice. [Previously. Results rounded to nearest percentage point.]

'Extra' Website Visitors Fear Britney Is The Next Anna Nicole

Mark — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 14:40:32 EST

If you're inclined to believe in the wisdom of crowds (well, in this instance, the wisdom of trainwreck-craving mobs), then perhaps the celebrity-mental-health professionals of Cedars Sinai shouldn't have been so willing to rid themselves of tantrum-throwing, high-profile charge Britney Spears even a minute before the conclusion of the 72-Hour Handcuffed To A Radiator Until She Chills The Fuck Out Watch under which the troubled part-time mom was supposedly being detained. We, however, choose not to share in the bleak prediction of ExtraTV.com's readership, instead trusting that Dr. Phil, even after abandoning his poorly received plans for a nationally televised intervention, will still find a way to deliver the tough love it will take to get Spears' life back on track.

You Tell Us: Is Britney the Next Anna Nicole? [Extra TV]

What's Up With Men And Their Movies?

Moe — Fri, 20 Jul 2007 12:50:47 EDT

Why are the men in funny movies played by such fat hopeless schlubs these days? This week's New Yorker ponders this enduring mystery only about six weeks late. It reminds us how we once dated a guy who likened our pairing to what he termed a "rom com" — a less Boomer-gay way of saying 'romantic comedy' — in which we would be played by Rosario Dawson and he would be played by John Goodman. "It wouldn't even have to be funny," he explained, while cackling hysterically. "Just having the two of them in bed — THINK OF THE PHYSICAL HUMOR." Uh, heh? Here's the thing: men watching romantic comedies need to have all their schlubby slackery traits reflected back at them so as to reinforce the fact that they are only here watching this romantic comedy is because they have won some sort of relationship lottery to be sitting next to the woman who has dragged them to this romantic comedy. As Gloria Steinem knows, most men would rather be watching man movies. In fact, John Goodman guy (Away message: "washing the blood out") had a personal cinematic "Man Trilogy" he once made us endure involving a reeeeally boring John Wayne film called The Quiet Man. And after our long-term ex "Ladybird" broke up with us he said we needed to see The Hustler to "understand" him. Memo to boys: maybe the trick is not MINDING that you can't always be closing!

Who's Cuter: White, Black, Or Asian Kids? The Jolie-Pitt Edition

Moe — Wed, 20 Jun 2007 14:30:12 EDT

In the grand tradition of Vice Magazine (and inspired by a picture of Brad Pitt with Zahara that just came in over the wires and has at last one of us cooing maniacally), we have decided to pose the (not) age-old question: Who's cuter: white, black, or Asian kiddies?

Who's Cuter? White Or Black Babies? [ViceMagazine]

Friday Afternoon Surveys: More Intoxicating Than A Happy Hour Margarita

Mark — Fri, 01 Jun 2007 16:16:53 EDT

Right about now, we know exactly what you need to get you to the Friday afternoon finish line: a superfun chance to win a fantastic prize by answering some totally unintrusive survey questions! We know! How did you people ever get so lucky? So here's how you get in on this directive from our ad sales team: Take this survey, e-mail the last question asked to surveys[at]gawker.com, and one random winner will receive a year of Netflix's 3-DVD-at-a-time subscription. And best of all: your participation is, like, amazingly subject to our usual contest rules! Another word in exuberant italics!

Defamer Sex Poll FunTime!

Mark — Mon, 14 May 2007 16:28:41 EDT

As part of Gawker Media's ongoing attempts to better serve its ~~advertisers~~ readers by bribing them with a chance to win exciting prizes in exchange for some anonymous demographic information, we are happy to present the following Defamer FunTime Poll. Tell us a little bit about your sexual preference, submit your e-mail address (don't worry, it's not linked to your vote), and you'll be entered in a random drawing for a $250 Amazon gift certificate. Creepy? Not even a little, we're told!

[Please note that your participation in the above FunTime Poll is subject to our usual contest rules, which have recently been amended so that our boss can no longer legally harvest your fresher, healthier organs once his begin to fail.]

The Defamer Last Minute Oscar Poll: One More Chance To Cast A Meaningless Vote For Your Favorites!

Mark — Fri, 23 Feb 2007 12:49:15 EST

You've tirelessly monitored the Buzzmeters, scrutinized the massive predictions charts, and internalized the insights of prognosticators in ill-fitting, store-bought superhero costumes, but what you have not yet had the opportunity to do is click a little circle next to the name of one of the many prohibitive favorites to bring home an Oscar on Sunday while visiting this website. That's right: It's time for the Defamer Last Minute Oscar Poll. While you have no chance to influence mentally weak Academy voters with your choices at this late juncture, what you do have is the ability to demonstrate your complete mastery of the conventional wisdom that will surely dominate on Oscar night. Or, should you feel the need to celebrate the hopeless and punish the unworthy (if Little Miss Sunshine polls well, Fox Searchlight will send each of you a delicious yellow-frosted cupcake), an expression of your impotent frustration is just a mouse click away.

After the jump, vote your little hearts out. And afterwards, stick around to savage anew your least favorite nominee in the comments section!

You, The People: Britney or Not Britney?

Fleshbot — Wed, 08 Nov 2006 13:38:40 EST

In the absence of any defining facial characteristics like moles or birthmarks on the female participant in that alleged Britney Spears sex tape clip we posted about this morning, we're forced to take increasingly desperate measures by way of forensic analysis—which has basically involved finding as many photos of the real Britney's tongue as we could and comparing them with the darting and stabbing specimen in the video. Unfortunately, we still haven't come to a conclusion yet, which may have something to do with the fact that our eyeballs have turned to jelly after rewinding it so many times. So we present the question to you, gentle (and not-so-gentle) readers, for your opinion; if you're not too sick of voting on things this week, let us know what you think.

Update In light of recent developments, we sort of had no choice but to close the poll (though you can still see the rather interesting results after the jump). But hey, feel free to keep arguing in the comments if it makes you feel better. As for us, we just plan on getting really, really drunk.

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