In this rich fantasy world, Marg Helgenberger stars as stripper-cum-academic Hermione Granger, Steven Seagal both appears and thoughtfully brought his prodigious vision as Director of Photography, and we're treated to the acting debut of recluse "Happy" Dean Stanton, Harry Dean's cheerfully rapacious prankster brother with a penchant for improv and pantsing people.

It all makes us crave an actualization of this potential Oscar contender — how much more satisfying would the climax be if Steven Seagal, slick ponytail snapping in the breeze, head-butted Voldemort in his noseless noggin before turning his wand into an Uzi? Finally the Academy could reward him for a career that has been woefully overlooked.

· Sure, it's an old clip from a tired meme, but with today's He-Man remake news, no harm in reliving the magic. [via commenter I'm Waitin' for Dolemite]
· Old friend Bachem Macuno returns with The Bush Twins Save the World.
· Renegade gator brought to justice, sentenced to life term at Griffith Park Zoo.
· Pirates 3 is already breaking box office records.

· Jack Valenti, Champion Of The Ratings System

· Jack Valenti Shares His Thoughts On Politics, Elves

· MPAA Chief Jack Valenti: Really, We Love This Inter-Thing

· Nerd Stumps Jack Valenti

· Jack Valenti: Cigarettes Are Stealing Our Movies!

· Jack Valenti Won't Go Quietly

[Photo: Getty Images]

• Jack Valenti, 85; former Hollywood lobbyist pioneered film ratings system [LAT]

Statement from Sony Pictures Entertainment Regarding Reports of Spider-Man 3 Piracy

Contrary to news reports about stolen copies of Spider-Man 3 being sold illegally on the streets in China, our investigation in China has revealed no case of the film being pirated to date.

Similar hoaxes and false alarms have occurred prior to the release of other major films. We have uncovered examples of Spider-Man 2 being sold in Spider-Man 3 boxes in China. But thus far we can find no instance where Spider-Man 3 has appeared on DVD.

In addition, after an initial investigation of online sites worldwide, we have so far found no pirated copies of Spider-Man 3 on the Internet.

This incident underscores one of the problems with piracy - people who buy illegal movies often get ripped off themselves.

We trust that Sony's statement will serve as a wake-up call to the Chinese movie-piracy industry, inspiring them to exert some quality-control over their highly lucrative operations and get genuine pirated product into those black market DVD stalls, before their own market share can be eroded by internet pirates undercutting their already deeply discounted prices.

• Chinese pirates beat Spider-Man to the punch [Reuters]

"When [a senior Disney publicist] forwarded the [Richards] story to me ... I thought, 'How are we going to spin this?' " Dennis Rice, Disney's senior vice president for publicity, said during a presentation to the media of the studio's upcoming films Wednesday morning.

As a result of Richards' remark, which was later discounted by his representatives as just a joke, it is likely that the rocker's appearances on the red carpet in support of the film will be curtailed.

"Keith won't be doing a lot of publicity for this movie," Rice added.

In addition to trying to keep the renegade Rolling Stone away from the press, a cautious Disney PR team will also oversee an emergency renovation to their theme park's franchise-inspiring Pirates ride addressing the controversy, adding a scene in which an animatronic Teague Sparrow soberly explains to his son that even though they're both pirates and enjoy their fair share of rape, pillaging, and plunder, under no circumstances is it OK for Jack to use his cremains as snuff, providing parents and children an opportunity to discuss the uncomfortable subjects of both drug abuse and living wills.

• Snorting remark by Keith Richards doesn't sit well with Disney [LAT]

1. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest—$35.049 million
As the office records continue to pile up, the staggering numbers flirt with meaninglessness: Fastest Ever To $300 Million; Third Highest-Grossing Third Weekend—EVER!; First Ambisexual Pirate Epic With Fourteen Plots To Reach $321 Million. So total is Pirates 2's domination that we now can't even imagine a weekend in which the movie doesn't finish first, and can easily envision a near future in which rival studios, their spirits broken by week after week of relentless box office buggery at the hands of Captain Jack Sparrow and his swashbuckling crew, hold back the release of new product until the rape-happy Bruckaneesr disengage from their collective hindquarters around the $6 billion mark.

2. Monster House—$23 million
Each weekend that Hollywood coughs up a new, CGI spectacle designed to lure children away from their homebound Wiggles sing-a-longs for an afternoon of popcorn and a 96-oz. Mountain Dew Code Red sugar high at the multiplex, we briefly find ourselves overjoyed that we have not reproduced. Then we weep openly and kick a puppy, secretly frustrated that we're missing out on the special family moments that only a team of computer animators can provide.

3. Lady in the Water—$18.210 million
Call it Nina Jacobson's Revenge, call it The Curse of the Low-Carb Soup, call it whatever, but through the Lady in the Water's startling failure, tragically misunderstood director M. Night Shyamalan finally has what he's really wanted: A good excuse to nail himself to the Y in the Hollywood sign and wail to the heavens about how no one really "gets him."

4. You, Me, and Dupree—$12.787 million
[7. My Super Ex-Girlfriend—$8.7 million]
Much to our surprise, The Battle of the Wilson Brothers was as lopsided as a towel-snapping fight between a five-year-old Owen and a two-year-old Luke. To celebrate The Butterscotch Stallion's victory over The One Who Hasn't Earned A Cute Nickname, why not play a rousing round of Name That Wilson?

5. Little Man—$11 million
The LAT actually tracked down someone willing to go on the record decrying the Wayans Brothers' shameful appropriation of a beloved Bugs Bunny episode for their Marlon's-head-on-a-tiny-body abomination. Enjoy.

• July 21-23, 2006 Studio Estimates [Box Office Mojo]

1. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest—$62.186 million
As summer drags on, the increasingly obscure records keep falling before Disney's box-office-rapethirsty pirate ship: Be somewhat overwhelmed to discover that Pirates 2 now holds the arcane marks for best ten-day opening, fastest movie to $200 million, and biggest gross at the eight- and nine-day benchmarks. If you're a distribution executive, the litany of these shattered™ records has simultaneously loosened your bowels and engorged your genitalia with excitement and awe; if you're a civilian moviegoer, you didn't need to know this trivia to realize that $258.2 million is a "shitload" of money, especially for a movie that is essentially a two-and-a-half hour commercial for next summer's sequel..

2. Little Man—$21.7 million
Back in October of 2004, we were amazed that Revolution Studios would pay the Wayans brothers millions of dollars to make a movie appropriating the plot of an especially beloved, 50-year-old Bugs Bunny cartoon. Today, we are floored anew to discover that America spent more than $21 million this weekend to experience perhaps the only Wayans-related image possibly more disturbing than the brothers getting dolled up as whiteface trannies: Marlon's face digitally grafted onto a tiny body.

3. You, Me, and Dupree—$21.338 million
Imagine our surprise when we could find no takers to join us in reveling in Owen "The Butterscotch Stallion" Wilson's latest cinematic undertaking, even after our impassioned pitch: "Come on, it's two hours of Owen Wilson doing the Owen Wilson thing!" Alas, we didn't make it to the multilpex, failing in our mission to salve the burns that the Stallion suffered on his gallop through the flames of junket hell with a ticket purchase.

4. Superman Returns—$11.62 million
We can't decide if Superman's $163 million take after three weeks was evidence that the new Man of Steel was too gay for America, or not nearly gay enough. But after watching Johnny Depp's sexually experimental pirate set all kinds of records in his two weekends of release, we're thinking our red-caped hero should've swished it up a little more.

5. The Devil Wears Prada—$10.45 million
Note to guys considering a trip to Prada for the wrong reasons: Anne Hathaway does not appear topless in this movie. For a sample of Hathaway's fine nude work, see Brokeback Mountain or Havoc.

• July 14-16, 2006 Studio Estimates [Box Office Mojo]

From: Iger, Robert [mailto:Robert.Iger@disney.com] Sent: Mon 7/10/2006 9:06 AM To: Subject: 7/10/2006 - Pirates

I try to send these when we have legitimate news to convey, or when I feel it's important to communicate something special or important, and this is one of those occasions. Actually, it's about as perfect an occasion as I can think of.

This past weekend, "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest" broke the U.S. box office record for a non-holiday opening weekend, bringing in an incredible $135.7 million over its three-day opening.

This is a great achievement for the Studio and a wonderful moment for the company, which we should all savor. I want to congratulate Dick Cook and everyone at The Walt Disney Studios. They put their hearts, souls and creative guts into this, and the results are simply fantastic. Jerry Bruckheimer, Gore Verbinski, Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom and Keira Nightly all deserve our thanks and praise too. Everyone involved in this project has created a valuable and enduring franchise for the company, something that will be enjoyed by generations of people for generations.

Should the idea of reading Iger's entire memo make you feel like Tinkerbell is trapped in your pants and occasionally brushing up against your naughty parts, the full text follows after the jump:

From: Iger, Robert [mailto: xxx@disney.com] Sent: Mon 7/10/2006 9:06 AM To: Subject: 7/10/2006 - Pirates

I try to send these when we have legitimate news to convey, or when I feel it's important to communicate something special or important, and this is one of those occasions. Actually, it's about as perfect an occasion as I can think of.

This past weekend, "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest" broke the U.S. box office record for a non-holiday opening weekend, bringing in an incredible $135.7 million over its three-day opening.

This is a great achievement for the Studio and a wonderful moment for the company, which we should all savor. I want to congratulate Dick Cook and everyone at The Walt Disney Studios. They put their hearts, souls and creative guts into this, and the results are simply fantastic. Jerry Bruckheimer, Gore Verbinski, Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom and Keira Nightly all deserve our thanks and praise too. Everyone involved in this project has created a valuable and enduring franchise for the company, something that will be enjoyed by generations of people for generations.

Consider these statistics:

· Highest three-day opening in U.S. box office history (passing "Spider-Man's" $114.8 million back in May of 2002).

· First film in box office history to pass $100 million in only two days.

· Friday's U.S. opening gross of $55.5 million is the highest single day gross in box office history (passing "Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of Sith's" $50.0 million last year).

· Internationally, "Pirates" opened in seven territories, which represent 24% of all overseas markets, grossing $46.6 million, which is an all-time record in those combined regions (passing the previous record of $45.6 million by "Harry Potter 4," which went on to earn more than a half-billion dollar overseas).

· "Pirates" is the 51st film in Buena Vista history to pass $100 million at the U.S. box office, the most of any studio.

I also want to point out we reached another milestone this weekend, with Disney/Pixar's "Cars" passing the $200 million mark. This will be the 12th film in our company's history to reach this remarkable level of success and will tie Disney with Fox at 12 as co-industry leaders (at least until "Pirates" gets there!).

The success of these films speaks to our company's fervent commitment to creating universally appealing entertainment for consumers to enjoy around the world.

All of this is quite an achievement thanks to a truly global effort, in which we can all take great pride.

Bob

• Pirates loot $3 mil more [Variety]

We have had a lot of kids come out and wonder if they can just go over to the next theater and see No. 3," says producer Jerry Bruckheimer with a laugh. The third film will be released on Memorial Day weekend 2007.

Of course, Disney and Bruckheimer have done their best to accommodate these fans' requests, and have worked out a groundbreaking arrangement with exhibitors. Moviegoers feeling unfulfilled by the film's lack of resolution will have the opportunity to purchase an admission to a darkened theater that will eventually show the conclusion to the Pirates trilogy, where they may be padlocked until its release next summer. No contact with the outside world will be allowed, other than the occasional message from Bruckheimer urging them to "Hang in there, my little buccaneers!" and assuring them that the finished product will be "totally worth the loss of the family members who have moved on with their lives in your absence."

• Behind 'Pirates'' old-fashioned cliffhanger [LAT]
• Defamer Employment: Fly The Jerry Skies [Defamer]

Seeking Pirates — men age 18+, all shapes and sizes, all ethnicities: Asian, Spanish, French, African, Syrian, Lebanese, Middle Eastern, Turkish, Armenian, Arab, Persian, Caucasian, South American, Pacific Islander, Eskimo, etc...

You must be an extreme character type! We need extremely skinny, very tall, very short, hunchback, little people, unusual facial features and body types, exotic amputees, albinos, etc.

Bring your own current 3x5 photo (does not have to be professional). If you do not have a photo, we can take one for you for $2.00

Some may remember a similar casting call from last summer, and will undoubtedly be relieved to see the casting office has dropped its untoward Asian fetish for this go-around. Also heartening is the upgrade from "amputee" to "exotic amputee," a change in background needs that may afford the surpassingly ambitious a chance to stand out from the humdrum legless by grabbing a hacksaw and creatively self-mutilating their way to an exciting career in Hollywood.

• PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 3 OPEN CALL [Sande Alessi Casting]
• Defamer Casting: Be A Freaky Pirate! [Defamer]