First, Shepherd told the tale of a sponsor-approved trip to Disneyland she took alongside her son and the cheating, not-yet-divorced husband she loathes (a definition of marriage plucked either from the Bible or The Lockhorns—we're not sure which). Her cohosts couldn't quite believe that Shepherd hadn't a) divorced his ass and b) told her son that they were separated yet. After all, sniffed a disapproving Walters, what would Shepherd say to her child when she began dating again? That's when the View's flat-earther said she would follow the example Barbara used with her own daughter: explain away all her late-night, gentlemen callers as a series of "uncles" with whom she has some decidedly nonfamilial familiarity. As a recoiling Walters bared her teeth, she hissed, "I was not married at the time [that I banged all those dudes, including a purring, tender Henry Kissinger]." No, but they were!

In other View news, somnolent guest Patricia Arquette revealed just how Sacha Baron Cohen crashed the Medium set for his upcoming film Bruno: he pretended to be Ben Silverman's cousin. Also, a flower bloomed on Elisabeth Hasselbeck's pirate shirt today. It's springtime!

• The View [ABC]

The ladies were discussing Ashley Judd's PSA that slams the aerial killing of wolves—as well as Sarah Palin, who enjoys that sort of hunting because what else is there to do in Alaska (they could really use a Pinkberry or a Color Me Mine!)? Abruptly, Hasselbeck attempted to wrench the conversation into odder, Bill Geddie-suggested waters: "Is [Judd] as loud about the 260,000 kids that are killed in abortions," she asked (though we enjoy her clear faltering when she realizes, "Yep, I'm really about to say this. Better commit to it!"). This went over poorly, to say the least, so Hasselbeck naturally sought to top herself by calling the entire panel "socialist." Phenomenal! Pirate shirt, we've missed you. Don't ever go away again.

• The View [ABC]

First, Hasselbeck (whose enraged gay stylist dressed her today in a yellow pirate blouse over sushi pajamas) claimed that 62% of California voters said "yes" to Prop 8, a figure that overshoots actual reality by, oh, about ten percent. Then, Shepherd demurred when pressed on the biblical definition of marriage that she had so ardently defended, admitting, "This is what's bad, 'cause I don't even remember." Lest you think she was some sort of bigot, though, she hastened to add that she still hadn't picked out a wedding gift for her friend DeGeneres. Somehow, we think that not nullifying her marriage may go over better than a set of steak knives.

• The View [ABC]

Hasselbeck, dressed in a funereal black top (with a pirate-reminiscent ruffled collar!), took her cues from John McCain's gracious concession speech and delivered one of her own. "No one lost today," she said. "God knows I fought hard for the other side, but today is a victory for this country." Then, reaching deep inside, she even gave hated rival Joy Behar a fist-bump. Godless America, we have succeeded: Elisabeth Hasselbeck is a terrorist now. One of us. One of us.

• The View [ABC]

Then, like a bolt out of the blue, a theory hit us.

Perhaps the pirate shirts are by design! Perhaps the trapped Hasselbeck, so desperate to escape for the clammy, comforting embrace of Sean Hannity, is trying to communicate to the audience a sub-rosa message (it certainly wouldn't be the first time). Let's see what it all means!

· If the pirate shirt is accessorized by a jeans jacket: this connotes the calm before the political storm.

· If the pirate shirt is long-sleeved: things have gotten chilly amongst former friends. Also, William Ayers.

· If the pirate shirt is really more of a delirious, bare-armed vest: the gloves (and sleeves) are off.

And today, if the pirate shirt is maroon and laden with enough ruffles to make even Project Runway's Leanne wave a tremulous hand and whisper, "Just...no"? That means someone is unhappy that Obama is bumping Knight Rider tonight! Clip above.

• The View [ABC]

After relatively mild journeys through Colin Powell's endorsement of Barack Obama and the SNL skit featuring Sarah Palin, the volume went up as the View crew discussed Palin's avoidance of their show (and Meet the Press) as well as her comments about certain parts of the country being more pro-America than others. On the former topic, Behar got so fed-up with a constantly blabbering Hasselbeck that she stood and mimed pulling a Rosie O'Donnell, while on the latter, Goldberg had to visibly restrain herself from jamming her pointed finger into Hasselbeck's bugged-out eyes. Eventually, Barbara Walters stepped in to say, "The type of anger that this is erupting, whether it's the five of us or this country, I think is deplorable. I cannot wait for this to be over!" Speak for yourself, Babs: we'd rather watch this than a softball interview with Jessica Alba any day. No hug for you!

• The View [ABC]

After Joy said her piece, Elisabeth informed the group that she was willing to lay her shiny blond hairstyle on the line for John McCain and his blemish-free associates (cough cough John Hagee cough). Sadly, none of the other View hosts were ready to make such a follicular sacrifice — though we would have loved to see Sherri Shepherd snatch the wig off her own head and toss it at Elisabeth before resuming the finger-wag she's so prematurely put into hibernation.

• The View [ABC]