The contretemps began back in June after Molina punched Hilton outside the MuchMusic Video Awards in Toronto. Hilton had been a persistent annoyed of the band and apparently bugged them one step too many. Hilton immediately followed up his punching by twittering about it, asking his fans to call the Toronto police, ("I was assaulted by Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas and his security guards. I am bleeding. Please, I need to file a police report. No joke") and then posting a sobbing video telling of his punching online.

The assault provoked a flood of non-sympathy towards Hilton from the world's celebrity community.

Well, today the court case reached its conclusion, going out with as whiny a note as it began. Outside the courthouse in Toronto Molina's lawyer read his legally mandated statement of contrition saying, " 'I apologize for what I did on June 22 of 2009, even though you engaged in highly offensive comments, including a homophobic slur to my clients, I acknowledge that these kinds of issues should not be resolved through a physical response,"'

Hilton then responsed through his attorney quibbling with the apology before grudgingly accepting it. "Although accepting the fact that he shouldn't resort to violence, he attempted to say that there was a precipitating cause," Hilton's lawyer, Brian Greenspan, said afterwards. "A sincere apology is a sincere apology."

And so all live on to annoy another day, while the record stands that in Canada apparently you can punch Perez Hilton and perhaps not go to prison.

And right now there is a bit of panic afoot in showbiz, that with a mere 138 days until showtime, the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences still hasn't decided on a helmer for the trophy trot. Nikki Finke reported last week, that last year's host and producer, Hugh Jackman and Bill Condon, are planning not to return to the Kodak stage. The pair's up-market, olde-timey glamour version of the show, gave Oscar its first ratings uptick in seemingly forever; a dramatic break in its long slide into irrelevance. ("What an honor for the Aussie actor" grandma Nikki writes of the of the Academy's desire to bring Jackman back to the show.)

UPDATE: Since the writing of this item, the producers have been named...and they are...Hairspray director Adam Shankman and former Fox CEO Bill Mechanic.)

Every year, Hollywood debates the question of how to update an event that is inherently the stodgiest thing thing on Earth. For starters, the thing that Oscar was conceived to honor — big glitzy prestige films — don't exist anymore, so the show will from now until forever be torn between giving their statues to little independent films that no one saw (and hence, that no one wants to see an awards show celebrating) or trying to find ways to squeeze nods to Dark Knight into a show that will never actually honor such popular films.

And for that matter, what with the media attention span being half a second long these days, if you are talking about movies that came out last year, you might as well be giving a lesson in like, the Cold War or Vietnam or something.

Not to mention — three hours of people in tuxedoes getting trophies and making speeches?!? In the epoch of cat videos!? Is this some kinda of Twilight Zone episode? Is America being punk'd by Oscar?

So what the heck do you do with a still huge but dwindling monstrosity like Oscar? Basically you can embrace the future or deny it, and either route has its merits. Here's our suggestions for the roads Oscar could take:

EMBRACE THE KIWANIS WITHIN
Oscar is never, ever going to win over these kids today, so go with your strength. Lead with the stodgy; you'll play well to your base and once every decade and a half, catch a retro wave. These days the Hollywood establishment is the aging Baby Boom generation, who are bound to actually become cool one of these days.
Host: Billy Crystal
Producer: Jeffrey Katzenberg
Ideal Best Picture Winner: Braveheart
Opening Number: A Rockettes lead a musical tribute to the films of screenwriter Ron Bass, high-stepping to the greatest moments from Rain Man, Snow Falling on Cedars and Dangerous Minds.
Clips Reel: A complete recap of The Today Show reporting the weekend grosses every Monday morning of the past year.
Log Line: This IS your grandfather's Oscars.

DRINK THE GLOBES UNDER THE TABLE
The reason why the Golden Globes have held their own against the declining Oscars is liquor. The dinner setting of the Globes show has traditionally meant well-lubricated winners making some of the more free-wheeling, demented speeches of awards season. Well, two can play at that game. Mandatory tequilla shots and forced picks from the mystery wheel of amphetamines for all attendees.
Host: Jack Nicholson
Producer: Ben Silverman
Ideal Best Picture Winner: Couples Retreat
Opening Number: Stars careen to their seats on a giant Slip 'n Slide placed down the aisle.
Clips Reel: The best moments of buddy comedies, guys who love to laugh with each other.
Log Line: Come and Get It!

POST-MODERN OSCAR
Pander completely to Hoodie Nation with an all self-referential celebration of quirk.
Host: Michael Cera
Producer: Spike Jonze
Ideal Best Picture Winner: (500) Days of Summer
Opening Number: Michael Cera sits on the floor of the Kodak stage listening to the mix tape he has made for an impossibly cool girl featuring acoustic remixes of John Hughes soundtrack songs. As we watch, the audience travels inside a giant movie screen and from the perspective of the Oscar nominated films, we watch Cera go to the movies with the impossibly cool girl, but never get to first base.
Clips Reel: Great Moments in Mentioning Bands During Movies.
Log Line: Oscars? What?

LOGANS RUN
The tweens have taken over entertainment; how long does Oscar think it can hold out anyway? Show Oscar's commitment to staying relevant by terminating the careers of any actor over 35 on live TV.
Host: Vanessa Hudgins
Producer: The Kardashians
Ideal Best Picture Winner: New Moon
Opening Number: 50's style sockhop dance number as George Clooney, Angelina Jolie and all the old people in the audience are loaded onto the original Sputnik rocket and blasted into outer space.
Clips Reel: The progression of Taylor Lautner's abs, from flaccid to six pack.
Log Line: This is on, bitch.

GANGSTA OSCAH
When you get down to it, the Academy is the original original gangsta.
Host: 50 Cent
Producer: P Diddy
Ideal Best Picture Winner: Final Destination 3D
Opening Number: The Kodak Theater is transformed with gold plated chandeliers and stripper pole while a car chase screeches through the lobby, ending in a cataclysmic explosion on stage.
Clips Reel: The history of on-screen bling.
Log Line: Don't Forget Who Brung You.

THE REALITY ACADEMY
Turn the show into a real time competition with bug eating contests, relay races and back stage confessionals.
Host: Ryan Seacrest
Producer: Nigel Lythgoe
Ideal Best Picture Winner: Step Up 2: The Streets
Opening Number: Nominees forced to perform a Polish mazurka, with one catch; one mis-step and the plummet into a tub of a million centipedes — and lose their shot at taking home Oscar.
Clips Reel: Night vision cameras placed in the hotel rooms of the stars while on set reveal secret celebrity hook ups — and a few drunken nights with a key grip or two.
Log Line: Oscar Wild!

THE TMZ OSCARS
Why fight it anymore? Throw down the barricades; let the paparazzi hordes loot and sack the kingdom, enjoy the rush of attention that the train wreck will bring. And whomever is still alive after showbiz has been reduced to smoldering ruins — let them figure out what to do next.
Host: Perez Hilton
Producer: Harvey Levin
Ideal Best Picture Winner: One Night in Paris
Opening Number: Celebrities are vivisected before the audience's eyes, the last remnants of their souls are ripped out and and then eaten, buffet style by the nation as a whole.
Clips Reel: A million Tweets are simultaneously projected directly into viewers' frontal lobes.
Log Line: We're Here.

But if Rolling Stone thought they could cheat the web out of a every drop of Megan Fox info available to humanity, on the weekend when her new film Jennifer's Body opens, they are about to learn a about this brave new world.

There might have been a day when there were stories about things that weren't Megan Fox but frankly, we can't remember back that far. Since the sultry wackjob from Tennessee became the internet, a million new forms of reporting have been discovered to chronicle her all the aspects of her complex personage. The gal with an unhinged take on every piece of modern life has challenged the world's media to document each and every pearl of fascination to fall from her lips. And thus it became the work of an army of reporters to report on the Rolling Stone piece.

Here then is your guide to the complete reporting of Rolling Stone's report:

• Us.com, The NY Daily News and many others, led with Fox's revelations of youthful self-mutilating antics, with her affirmative answer to the standard interview question, have you ever cut yourself? Us quoted Rolling Stone quoting Fox elaborating, "But I don't want to elaborate. I would never call myself a cutter."

•Perez Hilton led with the elephant in the room of the Megan Fox beat, her fiery but exciting temper. He quoted Rolling Stone quoting, "My temper is ridiculously bad. I've had to say to Brian, 'You have to go and stop talking to me, because I'm going to kill you. I'm going to stab you with something, please leave.' I'd never own a gun for that reason. I wouldn't shoot to kill. But I would shoot him in the leg, for sure." Hilton editorializes on the theme, writing, "Ohhhh, just in the leg? Umm, PSYCHO!"

•E!Online put the spotlight on Rolling Stone's spotlight on Fox's thoughts on men's thoughts about vagina. After quoting her assertion that she has a "powerful, confident vagina," E! quotes the quote, "Men are scared of vaginas. [A woman is most powerful when she is] completely in charge of her sexuality."

•MTV News wisely choose to focus its reporting on the subject of the pictures themselves, describing them in perhaps the least evocative phrase ever written, "The 23-year-old starlet looks like a femme fatale ready for a day at the beach."

But all this of course is just the first draft of history. The final story of what Rolling Stone's Megan Fox profile meant will not be told until the dissertations are written, the seminars held and the votes tallied long after we all are gone.

Demi says he pushes kiddie porn. Perez says she's a bad mother and he's gonna sue her. All the fuss is over some pictures that Perez linked to some pictures on his Twitter account of Tallulah Willis (also daughter of actor, Bruce) partying in a very revealing blouse. If you really need to see it, it's here.

Demi opened with a salvo that failed to explain just what her 15-year-old daughter was doing at a Cobrasnake-documented party in the first place:

Clearly Perez Hilton isn't taking violating child pornography laws very seriously. He might not but there are alot of people who do!...Anyone who advertises follows or supports Perez supports violating child pornography laws!...Let me ask all of you, what is it called when someone is telling people to look and focus on a child's "boobs & ass" while providing photos?

Perez responded by taking the moral highground, a dubious tactic for a fellow who made a name for himself by drawing cum on celebrity pictures:

And thanks for drawing MORE attention to your daughter's behavior and your parenting skills (or lack thereof). U r real smart!...Still waiting for you to retract your incorrect, libelous and defamatory statements...I would not let my 15 year old daughter dress like that under ANY context. You are delusional and slightly senile!

Yes, it was in bad taste to post them, Perez, but it's hard to take Demi's sanctimonious claims seriously (her last tweet reads, "This is not a game . Children should not be exploited. They must be protected.") when she allowed her daughter to go to the party in the first place. And Perez just keeps baiting her. Even moral compass Heidi Montag has weighed in! So, why don't you two put down the smart phones, pick up some common sense, and give it a rest. You're making Tallulah look like the sane one here!

CocoPerez.com has been exposed in dribs and drabs; the website Evil Beet snuck past its password protection, then the website became freely available for maybe half an hour, now it's back to being password protected.

The site is meant to be more advertiser-friendly, and consequently finds Hilton doodling fewer crude captions on pictures. But his nasty side shows through sometimes, as in this caption:

Then there's this sarcastic headline, complete with Hilton's trademark double exclamation points:

But there's also analytical rigor! Evil Beet noticed that Hilton has been reposting items written for his old site, expanded with more "analysis." Below is a post about Harvard University's obnoxious new clothing line. On PerezHilton.com, the coverage ended with, "This is all fine and well, but there is one lingering question… why???" On CocoPerez.com, it ends,

This is all fine and well, but there is one lingering question: why?? This is from so far left field. We would understand if The New School or RISD or any number of artistic/fashion focused schools launched a line - it would still be unusual but at least a logical progression. But this?? This is just so random. Especially since Harvard isn't exactly thought of as the apex of fashion. This is like Janet Reno announcing she's launching a line of lingerie. You just can't get your head around it because it's so…bizarre.

Well, at least they've got our attention!

It is for this value-added piercing insight that the new site is apparently sponsored by Gap. We'd be surprised if many more sugar daddies sign on: Hilton's biggest advantage has been that he'll say anything, no matter how tasteless. But now he wants to make bank by playing nice, leading to muddles like CocoPerez.

Guanabee went digging online for information about Barbara; it looks like the 25-year-old lives a fairly ordinary life. She studied business management and computers in college and tailgated at University of Miami football games.

Her brother Mario (aka Perez) is the face of PerezHilton.com, while Barbara cranks out posts, as revealed in a fresh lawsuit filed against Mario. Maybe when she finally learns to be half as elegant and charming as her big brother, Barbara will be allowed to share some of the glory that inevitably comes with doodling semen on people's faces.

Hilton (né Mario Lavandeira) is being sued for breaching a legal settlement that prevented him from mentioning Jonathan Lewandowski (a/k/a Jonathan Jaxson), the young blogger from whom Hilton allegedly solicited sex tapes in exchange for promoting Lewandowski's blog. When Lewandowski's name cropped up in a post on February 3, he claimed Hilton had violated the agreement. But Hilton was shocked — shocked! — that someone assumed he wrote PerezHilton.com. You see, it was really his sister, Barbara, who wrote the item.

A tipster forwarded us the lawsuit, which was filed on Wednesday in Los Angeles federal court and you can find in full here.

His lawyer wrote in a letter to Lewandowski's counsel that Hilton's sister wrote the post:

Hilton has hinted at his sister's involvement; he told Time that he worked on the site with his "sister, who's my assistant and helps a little bit." But this is the first time he's confirmed that he has a full-on ghost writer.

Guanabee, meanwhile, has reported that Hilton has had other ghostwriters going back to 2006.

Which wouldn't be a scandal, if Hilton were to only acknowledge the help he gets. Yet he continues to hide the making of his gossip sausage, as though his readers are deeply invested in his oh-so-elegant image as an articulate man of letters and glamorous Hollywood gentleman. Hilarious.

[Lavandeira vs. Lewandowski — court filing]

In an Entertainment Weekly profile by Tim Stack, Hilton says of his altercation with will.i.am,

I realize I said the most hurtful word. I don't believe being gay is bad. I'm not homophobic. I couldn't be any gayer and I couldn't be any prouder. I've got rainbow flags shooting out of my eyes.

Stack calls him "surprisingly chastened," but he doesn't really sound all that sorry in The Advocate, where he says, "I thought about calling him the n word, but I thought the f word was even worse." He goes on to say, "I reacted in the worst way possible," but the fact remains that Hilton basically wants, as Richard Lawson says, "to have us congratulate him for not saying the racist thing he was thinking." Or that he thinks gays are more marginalized than blacks? Or that homophobic slurs are worse than racial slurs? Or that the word faggot from the mouth of a gay man is worse than the n-word from the mouth of a non-black person? The mind reels.

It seems pretty likely that Hilton doesn't "believe being gay is bad." And he seems to understand that he shouldn't have said what he said. But what is the moral status of a homophobic slur spoken by a gay person to a straight person, presumed hurtful because said straight person is presumed to be homophobic? And is this homophobia ouroboros similar to the one created by Sacha Baron Cohen, a straight person playing a gay person who is (maybe) supposed to make fun of homophobic stereotypes?

Slate's Dennis Lim basically comes down on the pro-Brüno side. He writes that Hollywood has been offering up "square-jawed," humorless portrayals of gays for so long that it's refreshing and even subversive for Baron Cohen to portray a funny, no-holds-barred "sissy" — and an oversexed one at that. He writes,

Is any viewer really going to think that this hyperbolically crass and ridiculous narcissist-who wears mesh tops and eye-searing lederhosen, refers to his adopted African baby as a "dick magnet," and drops faux-Teutonic vulgarities about his waxed arschenhaller-represents "the mainstream of the gay community," as one troubled Hollywood "gay insider" put it? And are the gays who anxiously anticipate the mocking, hostile reactions of the unenlightened really that blind to Brüno's obvious counteroffensive strategy, which is to make that mocking, hostile idiocy the subject of his film? The beauty-and perhaps even the moral logic-of Baron Cohen's method is that those who're not in on his joke are invariably the butts of the joke.

And he calls the climax of the movie, in which Brüno makes out with his opponent during a wrestling match, "a brilliant tactic against homophobia: the gay-panic offense." The idea that an over-the-top joke based on stereotypes — whether racist or homophobic — is actually a joke on people who believe the stereotypes is hardly new. It's the basis of Sarah Silverman's whole career. And while Baron Cohen offers a twist on this by actually eliciting homophobic reactions and inviting viewers to make fun of those, it's hard to accept that a straight comic is totally on the gay community's side in making fun of obnoxious straight people. It's especially hard when a lot of his act revolves around talking funny and walking funny and wearing silly clothes. The idea that viewers aren't going to be laughing at these aspects of the film — or that they will be laughing at simply an exaggerated character rather than an exaggerated gay character — is a bit naive.

A homophobic slur spoken by a gay person — especially with the intent to hurt — is still a slur, and gay stereotypes are still gay stereotypes, even if they're meant to be meta. Ultimately, though, none of these things likely matter much to Perez Hilton or Sasha Baron Cohen. Hilton tells Tim Stack, "I don't care if you like me, I just care if you read my website." And Baron Cohen probably doesn't care if people like him, as long as they see his movie. Ultimately, Brüno isn't about challenging stereotypes are breaking down barriers — it's about getting laughs and selling tickets. And Perez Hilton is all about publicity — the love that loves to speak its name.

On The Offensive [Slate]
Perez Hilton Won't Shut Up [Entertainment Weekly]

Related: Perez Hilton Would Rather Be A Racist Than Bad for The Gays [Gawker]

Perez (née Mario Lavandeira) got a literal slap upside the head by Will.I.Am's manager earlier this week, and a few figuratively slaps upside the head by celebrities who once willingly participated in his sadomasochistic, symbiotic celebrity-industrial complex for his poor handling of Michael Jackson's death. Because of both, Lavandeira's clearly shaken, and isn't doing too well. The cracks in his mini-empire are beginning to show. Little of the trademark viciousness or salaciousness Perez typically attracts readers to his site with has been around lately. Take, for example, a handful of the stories he's posted lately:

- Pictures of Ashley Olson in Paris. Hilton's sure to point out how nice she was, according to the tipster. He also decries her smoking habit.

- Four lines about the legal documents from Michael Jackson's unpaid pharmaceutical bills. Where's the trademark Hilton "zinger" in this one? His kicker: "The case was dismissed a month later, probably as the result of a settlement."

- "NBC To Celebrate Ed McMahon." Again, a tone of reverence and sadness. We're talking about Perez Hilton on Ed McMahon, here.

- Fanboy pieces about a prequel to Inglorious Basterds in praise of Brad Pitt, as well as one about Madonna's new album title. Whee!

- Oh, and: projecting much? "Still More Work Ahead For Equal Rights" was the site's third post of the morning. It's Perez piss-poor populism in taking on an LA Times poll about California's gay marriage laws.

Since his poor handling of the Jackson story, people have been taking him to task. And not just people! But celebrities, who're just like us! They can't stand Hilton, either. Pete Wentz thinks he just needs to own up to getting the story wrong:

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

While John Mayer just thinks he needs to go away:

Perez is doing a bunch of "spin control," running his operation on a very tight, Press-y leash. Especially on Twitter. Now that he's alienated the gay community - even Matthew Shephard's mom won't take his money - he's sending the only people he has left, his deranged base of hardcore fans, plenty of cited messages on Twitter, highlighting and encouraging what little support for him is out there right now. He probably needs it, since advertiser money for his slightly more "family friendly" operation is going to be scarce after his very public PR fiascos.

Truth be told, Perez, cockroach that he is, probably isn't going anywhere any time soon. While more efficient ways of consuming the most brainsucking news out there surely exists, we've sadly let Perez become a brand name for gossip - like Coke, or Pepsi - and it's going to stay that way until someone's writing white lines over pictures of his faked real death or whatever. In the meantime, some of the things he prides himself most on - his celebrity "friends," the support of the gay community as someone of significance - have taken a hit past the point of no return, and there's surely more where that came from. As we all well know by now, Karma - like Perez - is kind of a bitch.The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

In the last hour Perez Hilton has taken down the photo shown here and amended his original post so he doesn't look as bad, but here's the text of what he originally posted.

We knew something like this would happen!!

Michael Jackson was taken by ambulance from his Holmby Hills home to a nearby Los Angeles hospital on Thursday afternoon!!

Supposedly, the singer went into cardiac arrest and the paramedics had to administer CPR!!!

His mother is even on the way to visit him!!!

We are dubious!!

Jacko pulled a similar stunt when he was getting ready for his big HBO special in ‘95 when he "collapsed" at rehearsal!

He was dragging his heels on that just like his upcoming 50 date London residency at the 02 Arena, of which he already postponed the first few dates!!!

Either he's lying or making himself sick, but we're curious to see if he's able to go on!!!

Get your money back, ticket holders!!!!

After Jackson was pronounced dead, Hilton took down the photo and edited the text down to these three sentences:

Michael Jackson was taken by ambulance from his Holmby Hills home to a nearby Los Angeles hospital on Thursday afternoon!!

The singer went into cardiac arrest and the paramedics had to administer CPR!!!

His mother is even on the way to visit him!!!

Meanwhile, the Matthew Shepard Foundation rejected Hilton's offer to donate whatever money he receives from a lawsuit against Black Eyed Peas manager Polo Molina. Here is the statement they released this afternoon:

The Matthew Shepard Foundation was surprised to learn this morning via media reports that blogger Perez Hilton (Mario Lavandeira) has announced he plans to donate, to our organization, the proceeds of a lawsuit he is contesting over an altercation which has been widely reported in recent days.

We had no advance notice or contact from Mr. Hilton or his representatives regarding this proposal, nor any communication since he posted this plan to his website.

We do not know the details of the lawsuit, whether it has been filed, the nature of his claims or the likely outcome. But because the lawsuit presumably involves the physical attack prompted by Mr. Hilton's admitted use of an anti-gay slur, the Foundation will be unable to accept any funds obtained in such a manner.

We very much appreciate the generosity of the offer to support our continuing work to memorialize Matthew through activism in defense of sexual minorities and in favor of understanding, compassion, and acceptance. But because so much of our work involves education to reduce the use of hateful language against gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered persons, or those so perceived, it would be inappropriate for us to benefit financially from circumstances in which such a verbal attack was involved.

While we applaud Mr. Hilton's apology to the LGBT community and their loved ones for his use of such a slur, we also feel compelled to point out that use of epithets can often lead to physical violence, as it appears it may have in this case, and that the Matthew Shepard Foundation has worked for more than 10 years to bring to people's attention the consequences of hateful or inolerant language.

Judy Shepard
Chair, MSF Governing Board

How much longer before Hilton's advertisers begin to flee his hideously tarnished brand?

UPDATE: As pointed out by Idolator's Maura Johnston in the comments below, Perez is engaged in an epic celebrity rhetorical knife fight on Twitter right now with our pals Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson.

Screengrab below via SoupSoup

He writes:

People make mistakes. I have made many in my life, but this past week I have made more than I can count on one hand.

I am sorry. And I mean it. No one is forcing me to write this. I am not feeling pressured to say this. I am speaking out because I realize that the last few days have been more hurtful to me - and many others - than the repeated blows I suffered to my head in Toronto this past weekend.

I have been filled with incredible sadness and regret.

I am sorry that any good work I have done for promoting equality may be tainted by me reclaiming a hurtful word - that's been personally used against me and the gay community - to hurt someone that was verbally attacking me. It was stupid.

Apologizing for me is not easy. Writing this was not easy. Life is not easy. But everything happens for a reason and I will take away a lot of valuable lessons from this experience.

Violence is never the answer. Never.

Victims should not be mocked.

The "F" word will never be uttered from my lips again. Just as others use the "N" word to insult and hurt - or as part of their everyday speech - I challenge them to remove it from their vocabulary as well.

Hindsight is always 20/20, they say. I should have been the bigger man and walked away from an unfortunate situation. Instead, I chose - in a very misguided way - to stand up for myself and only made things worse by how I - under pressure and diress - handled the situation.

I am sorry.

I am NOT apologizing to GLAAD. I could care less about them, my former employers.

I am apologizing to the gay community, to anyone who was hurt by my my choice of words, and to all the people who have ever emailed me to thank me for all that I have done to fight for gay rights over the last few years.

I have reached out to Isaiah Washington, someone I incorrectly labeled a homophobe in the past, despite his own public statements that he was not.

I will be donating any moneys collected from my lawsuit against Polo Molina, road manager for the Black Eyed Peas, to the Matthew Shepard Foundation.

And I will continue to speak out for equality and support the great work done by LGBT organizations, such as LAMBDA Legal and HRC.

Sincerely,

Perez

Though Hilton's apology may be sincere, it's almost impossible not to view it with some skepticism. Valid questions to consider: Is he doing this out of fear that his "brand" is rapidly eroding because of his recent behavior? Or is this a contrived "good faith" gesture he hopes will ward off any possible criminal charges against him in Canada for violating section 319 of that country's criminal code, the one titled "Public Incitement of Hatred," punishable by up to two years in prison? The law, which would seem to cover Hilton's hurling of a violence-inciting gay slur at Will.I.Am, is described here by the CBC:

Section 319 deals with publicly stirring up or inciting hatred against an identifiable group based on colour, race, religion, ethnic origin or sexual orientation. It is illegal to communicate hatred in a public place by telephone, broadcast or through other audio or visual means. The same section protects people from being charged with a hate crime if their statements are truthful or the expression of a religious opinion.

The law (subparagraph 718.2(a)(i), to be specific) encourages judges to consider in sentencing whether the crime was motivated by hate of: the victim's race, national or ethnic origin, language, colour, religion, sex, age, mental or physical disability, sexual orientation or any other similar factor.

Further, here's how the Canadian Media Awareness Network breaks down this law:

The crime of "publicly inciting hatred" has four main elements. To contravene the Code, a person must:

* communicate statements,
* in a public place,
* incite hatred against an identifiable group,
* in such a way that there will likely be a breach of the peace.

Now, we're not sure if Canadian authorities are even considering any action against him, but wouldn't it be an interesting twist of fate if Perez Hilton were the person actually faced with doing jail time here?

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

I'm Sorry [Perez Hilton]

He was a gay equality advocate on Miss USA, but then he was calling Will.I.Am "gay" like it was an insult in a nightclub. He did so to get under the singer's skin, but then when he did, successfully, get under his skin he got very upset at the results, even though he had thought the man a "thug" before pushing his buttons so he had to imagine it might get physical.

Now Hilton's trying to figure out if he's sorry or not. At the moment, the answer is, "Um, sort of:"

I wanted to hurt him with the word I chose, not anyone else. Unfortunately, the one who got hurt was me and, subsequently, a lot of other people. I wish none of it had happened.

I can't take it back. I did what I thought was best at the moment to stand up for myself in a non-violent yet still assertive way. Clearly, I am not homophobic... I will continue to say things that upset both gay people and straight people... I've come to terms with all my incongruities and am proud of who I am and what I do.

In closing, words can hurt. But words should not provoke someone to violence.

Hilton goes on, since the words "in closing" came less than halfway through his post. In closing, Perez Hilton makes no sense, and all efforts to make sense of him are futile.

The self-described "Queen of All Media" has heaped mocking abuse on himself for years. But ever since he went after Miss USA contestant Carrie Prejean over gay marriage, the celebrity gossip has positioned himself as a crusading gay rights advocate; this was his license for calling Prejean a "bitch."

Hilton isn't going to be able to square the sort of orthodoxy with calling Will.I.Am a "gay... faggot" to get under his skin at a Toronto nightclub. GLAAD correctly smells vulnerability, and Hilton is going to have give them their pound of flesh.

The group's press release:

The blurry footage doesn't allow you to really see the gossip blogger getting hit in the face, but the strike isn't dramatic enough to rise above the drunken din. Which of course will not keep people from blogging endlessly about it, for months.

UPDATE: Comments enabled.

There's already been an arrested in connection with the incident. Toronto police have charged 36-year-old American Molina Liborio with assault in the case. This sounds like Will.I.Am's manager, known as "Polo Molina," who Hilton had fingered as the man who punched him and who had previously turned himself in to Toronto cops, according to TMZ.

The attack occurred shortly after Will.I.Am repeatedly demanded Hilton stop writing about him and Hilton, by his own account, called him "gay" and a "faggot" to get under his skin.

Which, honestly, is the sort of over-the-top hissy fit anyone would expect from the Perez Hilton, Scourge of the Internet. That Perez Hilton is so shameless his brand is practically bulletproof; he runs sex pictures of a beloved gay icon and people barely bat an eyelash.

But Hilton's been trying to overhaul his image and turn more nice and advertiser-friendly. Which makes it unfortunate, for him, that he's talking defensively about his own meanness in the widely-viewed video (above) about this incident, which he also documented on Twitter (below).

Although Hilton's demolished his image rehabilitation, he can take solace that nothing he ever does will ever destroy his brand as the web's most shameless gossip. Still, Will.I.Am still looks worse here, for managing to underline Hilton's (shudder) clout as a music critic and writer with an angry confrontation. Can we somehow conjure sympathy for the guy who called someone else "gay" and "a fag" in a tawdry nightclub fight? Yes, apparently, we can.

Why is Hilton, real name Mario Lavandeira, so eager to trade his cock drawings for product placement? Perhaps because of the purported success of Microsoft's Wonderwall, a mostly toothless collection of pretty celebrity pictures that is browsed by scrolling sideways. A buzzy article in the New York Times touted Wonderwall's traffic and blue-chip advertisers and positioned it as a tame antidote to Hilton.

So Perez is trying to go blue-chip? That's almost unfathomable; the blogger's greatest asset remains his low-rent bitchiness and vulgarity. The only question is whether he figures that out before or after a fruitless effort to out-slick and out-friendly Microsoft. It, will, at least, be comical to watch.

Hilton says in the attached Time video that he works alone, with only "a little bit" of help from his sister. But when Guanabee ran 24 of the gossip blogger's recent photo scrawls past a handwriting expert, three of them looked like they were written by someone else.

Writes Cindy Casares:

We've had people come forward to tell us exclusively that they ghostwrote for Perez Hilton as far back as 2006.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.>So don't be fooled. You might like to think all of Hilton's erudite posts are written by the dashing young man who sounds so erudite on your television. But really they're probably just done by some sweaty, hyperventilating loudmouth whose mom still cleans up after him.

[Guanabee]

Lavandeira has won a case against PerezRevenge, a gossip site which styles itself as an antidote to Hilton's "meanness." U.S. District Court Judge Gary Feess has ordered the blog's owners, Margie Rogers and Elizabeth Silver-Fagan, to stop using the PerezRevenge name, turn over the site to Hilton, and desist from "using the term 'Perez' to designate any platform, medium, and/or website that contains entertainment or celebrity news or gossip."

Which is laughable, when you think about how Hilton got his start. He first blogged on a site called PageSixSixSix, until he got a nastygram from the New York Post, which objected to his free-riding on the name of its famous gossip column. Lavandeira then came up with his play on the name of the famous hotel heiress, and became Perez Hilton. He also routinely doctors celebrity photos, arguing that sprinkling cocaine dots on them is a transformative use, entitling him to publish them. A couple years ago, several photo agencies disagreed and slapped him with lawsuits. Still, it's all fun and fair. It seems like he's just upset that someone else has joined in on the game.

Perez says Miss California judges Keith Lewis and Shanna Moakler told Access Hollywood about this little silicone gift — but his post links to the Access Hollywood main page, not to a specific story. In facd, we can't find any mention of Carrie Prejean on the (admittedly, badly-designed, difficult-to-navigate) site.

As for the pageant itself, the Miss California pageant has a noble quest to find "outgoing, intelligent, confident, attractive young women excited to represent the beauty of California." And what is the beauty of California exactly? The website has a helpful definition: "The Beauty of California embodies the unique landscape, distinct business, progressive ideas, and the beautiful spirit of the people of California." Progressive ideas like "opposite marriage," presumably?

Of Carrie herself, the website tells us that in addition to her appearances as "Super Taste" centerfold in "Blisss" [sic] Magazine" and shill for "Naughty Monkey" shoes, she's also "an advocate for encouraging healthy lifestyles for young women. Carrie wants people to remember her as being compassionate and real."

If it turns out that Miss California organizers bought her new breasts, they should be called on the carpet; and Prejean may need to rethink that last statement.

Jesus Loves Fake Titties! [Perez Hilton]
Miss California Emerges As 'Opposite Marriage' Spokeswoman [Politico]
Carrie Prejean Bio and Gallery [Miss California Pageant Official Site]

But who can be expected to do a good job as a one-man show in the swiftly professionalizing business of pretending to be an amateur? Even the gossips aren't doing the gossiping themselves. Even Perez Hilton is too busy hobnobbing with the people he ostensibly writes about to personally deface their photos anymore. It's understandable. Being yourself online is a full-time job. Ideally, for someone else.

The notion that blogs and Twitter will replace gossip has been around for a while. What's left for the tabloids if the stars reveal everything themselves? The gossip rags ought to fade away as celebrities interact with fans directly, and tell their stories their own way. Or so goes the webheads' theory.

But as Hollywood actors and musicians adopt Twitter en masse, the theory's getting a real-time test — and proving wanting. It turns out that media gatekeepers were really saving celebrities from themselves. As anyone who's written a magazine profile knows, what editors and readers want is an appealing, well-told story — not a numbing stream of trivia. And that means discarding far more material than one can ever use.

Facebook, Twitter blogs, and other media of the moment are a repository for that cutting-room floor — the ephemeral discards of mostly mundane lives. One man's trash is sometimes another man's treasure. But more often, it's just trash.

"It's inherently silly and it's inherently dumb," John Mayer, the musician and former Jennifer Aniston paramour told E! last week. Wise of Mayer to figure this out, though a bit late, since his Twitter addiction reportedly spurred his most recent breakup with Aniston. Mayer's smart enough to realize that Twitter is making him look like a fool to loved ones and strangers alike — but not smart enough to stop using it.

Courtney Love, meanwhile, is getting sued by a designer, Dawn Simorangkir, whose wares she once fancied, over ranting comments the professional Kurt Cobain widow left on MySpace and Twitter. Love has never been known for her self-control: Witness her unprovoked '90s-era rant about cheese, unleashed on an unsuspecting zine editor. But media which enable her to talk unfiltered 24/7 give us all too much insight into an obviously unbalanced mind.

Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton likewise have done themselves no favors in their blogging habits. Far from correcting their louche reputations, their overshares have cemented it.

Then there's the notion that fans would just sit back and receive all this information without comment. Jamie Spears, Britney's dad, is suing BreatheHeavy.com, a Britney Spears fan site, for allegedly invading his daughter's privacy. "I will destroy your ass!" Jamie Spears reportedly told BreatheHeavy webmaster Jordan Miller. (In fact, Jamie Spears may be mad about BreatheHeavy's aggressive questioning of the conservatorship arrangement under which he controls his daughter's finances.)

What's the solution? These people all need professional help. But since they're unlikely to spend the time they need on the psychiatrist's couch, they'll doubtless end up hiring assistants adept in social media. Ghostwritten Twitters are the hot new Hollywood must-have.

Every tweet will be media-coached. Every blog will be relentlessly edited — and then have typos inserted for authenticity. (Is that why someone pretending to be Rachael Ray consistently misspelled the cooking-show personality's name on a Yahoo blog?) The kids who are pretending to be celebrities on Twitter today will no doubt get paid to do it in the future.

Hilariously incompetent flack Jonathan Jaxson, who recently settled his legal spat with client Kim Zolciak of real Housewives of Atlanta, seems to be a pioneer here — in the sense that all pioneers get arrows in their back.

(Photo of Mayer by Getty Images; Spears by X17 Online)