Chris Meloni, "a day at the beach"
What It's Probably Supposed to Say: Meloni is really a fun lovin' guy! He's not that brooding, getting-too-close-to-the-case-all-the-damn-time Eliot Stabler he plays on SVU. He really is just like that funny man we've seen in Wet Hot American Summer and Gym Teacher.
What It Really Says: Aside from the obvious, you know, seafood jokes, that he's quietly sad and wishes he could have fun and stare at the ever-rolling waves rather than talk about rape and murder all day.

Michael Phelps, L'Homme YSL
What It's Probably Supposed To Say: That he's suave and classy.
What It Really Says: While People apparently denies this is product placement, we kinda doubt it isn't. So this means that lil' Neptune has become a total corporate shill since winning 1.5 million gold medals at the Chinalympics. I mean, we've known this for some time, and who can blame the kid for cashing in on his new-found fame. But you'd think that a young man as passionate about swimming as he seems to be would chose, like, "the smell of chlorine" or something. But he probably doesn't find that sexy anymore. No, that's work. The money is sexy. Giant swimming pools full of cologne-smelling money.

Taye Diggs, “vanilla, chocolate, sandalwood and musk essential oils"
What It's Probably Supposed To Say: These are pretty cliche! And sorta like sexy sexy. I guess this means that he's a just a smooth, sensual, lover brother who will give you the passionate time of your life when you're on vacation in Jamaica, escaping the grind with your friend, happy to be briefly away from your busy life being a single mom to your son back in San Francisco. Oh. Wait. That was just a movie. Um, I guess it just means that his wife, Broadway star Idina Menzel, is just a very, very happy woman.
What It Really Says: Actually, that's probably it.

Chace Crawford, "fresh cut grass"
What It's Probably Supposed To Say: Well apparently Miss Crawford says of the smell: "[I] grew up playing a lot of football and golf ... When I smell freshly cut grass I get this air of competition. It wakes me up, gets me going." So, he's a good clean all-American boy!
What It Really Says: That thinking of football and sweat and sports makes him feel sexy! That is totally normal! Lots of men feel like that. Big, strong manly men like Rock Hudson and Richard Chamberlain and Tab Hunter. Either that or he's just a young man who gets a bit peckish when thinking of balmy, breezy summer and, well, um, the neighbor boy who used to mow the lawn across the street in nothing but gym shorts.

Aiken says he expects the news may overwhelm some of his fans. "Whether it be having a child out of wedlock, or whether it be simply being a homosexual, it's going to be a lot," said Aiken, who returned to Broadway last week as Sir Robin in Monty Python's Spamalot.

He adds that he hopes his fans "know that I've never intended to lie to anybody at all. ... But if they leave, I don't want them to leave hating me."

...As for his own child, Aiken tells PEOPLE that Parker – who was conceived via in vitro fertilization with his best friend, music producer Jaymes Foster – will be raised in an environment that is "accepting and allowing him to be happy."

Says Aiken: "I have no idea if he'll be gay or straight. It's not something I'll have anything to do with, or that he'll have anything to do with. It's already probably up inside the code there ... No matter what the situation you're in, if you're raised in a loving environment, that's the most important thing."

We can only hope that Aiken's dedicated fans can overcome their devastation to realize that though they may never be Mrs. Clayton Holmes Grissom Aiken, neither will any other woman. Eventually, when Aiken finds love with a Tennessee personal trainer who then goes on to sell his story for $50,000 and photo refusal to InTouch Weekly, Aiken will need each and every one of you. Be there for him, won't you?

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Clay Aiken: I'm a Gay Dad [People]

In a move we simply cannot fathom, Papa Joe actually attempted to steal Romo away from his longtime sports agent and agree to sign a contract with him for a reported $67.5 million. As every single character on Lost has said myriad times..."WHAT?" This guy used to be a Texas minister, realized his daughters had great racks and decent smiles, threw out his Jesus Fish stickers, and marketed them to the pop industry. A few reality shows and plastic surgery sessions later, the Simpson girls are still wallowing dangerously close to the D-List. And simply because he's a Cowboys fan, Joe hand-selects his favorite player to date his pouty daughter by luring him in with her push-up bras and even poutier lips. Inevitably, Romo realizes the great rack only goes so far when all Jessica really does is screw him over on Game Day (and not in the good way), so Joe has the nerve to, essentially, ask Tony to pay him money for the pleasure of schtupping his daughter? We think there's a word for this, and that word is gall.

[Photo credit: Popcrunch]

• JESSICA SIMPSON'S DAD ATTEMPTS TO SELL 'ENGAGEMENT', ENRAGES TONY ROMO [Us]

From left, OJ Simpson heralded as a triple threat in 1977 (athlete! TV star! potential psychopath!), Olivia Newton-John had America hooked on roller skating in 1979, and 15-year old Brooke Shields was dressed in a loincloth in 1980.

Travolta appeared on an 1983 cover saying Look How Straight I Am!, Fabio was gruesomely all the rage in 1993, and some sick editor decided it would be a hoot to "disrobe" Judge Judy in 1999.

Eight entire years ago, the mag wondered if perhaps, there might be something a little kooky with Britney and her grown-up ways (prophets, those editors!), Jen and Brad tied the knot in 2000, and Tom Cruise ran off with his second beard his Vanilla Sky co-star Penelope Cruz, leaving Nicole Kidman "shocked," naturally.

• ARCHIVE: PEOPLE.COM [People]

Meg Ryan appeared on the special issue's third cover, following Jodie Foster and Cindy Crawford, in 1994. Happily married to Dennis Quaid and still enjoying that whole America's Sweetheart phase, Ryan was a natural choice. But as we all know, five years later Ryan entered an affair with Proof Of Life co-star Russell Crowe, which led to divorce, trout pout and making dirty movies. Oops. As for Mel Gibson, People's 1996 cover star, beauty gradually descended into bigotry and all kinds of sugar tit-laden anti-Semitic madness we just don't even feel like discussing in detail at the moment.

The very next year, none other than Tom Cruise and his uber-serious mug graced the cover. Officially adored by the world after appearing in Jerry Maguire the year before, Cruise was still married to Nicole and every woman in the country felt that Cruise truly "completed" them. But after hiring a divorce lawyer, a beard (in the form of Penelope Cruz), and a new wife, Cruise's beauty is now only recognized by those with OT-V clearance and above. And finally, 2004's issue featured a blissfully married Jennifer Aniston, who sadly spent most of her interview "laugh[ing] off speculation of then-husband Brad Pitt's rumored romance with Mr. & Mrs. Smith costar Angelina Jolie." Again, oops.

[Photo credits: People.com]

• KATE HUDSON IS PEOPLE'S MOST BEAUTIFUL COVER GIRL [People]

While the issue isn't on stands til tomorrow, People has left us with this truly remarkable quote that's quite literally keeping us on the edge of our seats: "She gives life a whole new meaning and a whole new purpose." As staid, lifeless and unoriginal as that quote is, we still are going to bestow props to Nicole for altering her "life purpose" from seeing how far her skin could stretch across her hipbones to settling down with her smushy-faced rocker baby. We like Nicole 2.0.

• PEOPLE PHOTO EXCLUSIVE: NICOLE RICHIE'S BABY! [People]

George Clooney and Brad Pitt have shamelessly campaigned for him since 2001, but this year's winner was Bourne to the title. "You've given an aging suburban dad the ego-boost of a lifetime," Damon, 37, told PEOPLE, explaining why he couldn't possibly accept the crown - which perfectly demonstrates many of the reasons we chose him in the first place: irresistible sense of humor, rock solid family man, heart-melting humility.

While Damon will doubtlessly enjoy the temporary ego-gains of receiving hourly shipments of oversized lacy underthings from the most easily excitable segment of People's readership, he'll probably soon wake up to the same kind of sobering prank Clooney suffered last year. Upon flipping through tomorrow's copy of Variety, he shouldn't be surprised to see a a full-page photo his Sexiest-predecessor co-stars promised would never become public, in which the normally image-conscious Damon, after having allowed himself an open-bar bender at the Ocean's 13 wrap party, is shown passed out in the back of Pitt's limousine, caked in the hardening chocolate of the dessert fountain he'd repeatedly thrust his head into for the drunken amusement of his crew.

• Sexiest Man Alive 2007[People.com]