I guess People offered the gang more money than they could get out of Late Night, but the magazine reportedly does briefly mention Fallon's reunion quest while still basically pretending the entire thing was its editors' own idea. But there is hope for Jimmy Fallon: the absence of Screech in People does bode well for an actual real full-on reunion on his show. And he has Mr. Belding, too!

And I'm not exactly sure why this exists, other than because of a desire on Tiffani's part to have her own viral video like her former co-star Mark Paul Gosselaar did when he appeared on Jimmy Fallon's show in character as Zack Morris from Saved By The Bell - but I'm a sucker for any Indigo Girls joke. And despite a little too much self-congratulation masked as self-parody (Funny Or Die's bread and butter these days), this does have its funny moments. Cat videos!:

—-—Original Message—-—
From: [redacted]
Sent: Thu 12/4/2008 6:02 PM
Subject: Staff update

To the staff:

I wanted to let you all know that People editorial has completed the staff reductions spelled out in my Nov. 11 memo. I want to thank everyone for their cooperation.

Please join me in wishing our friends and colleagues the best, and celebrating their contributions to the People brand.

###

Chris Meloni, "a day at the beach"
What It's Probably Supposed to Say: Meloni is really a fun lovin' guy! He's not that brooding, getting-too-close-to-the-case-all-the-damn-time Eliot Stabler he plays on SVU. He really is just like that funny man we've seen in Wet Hot American Summer and Gym Teacher.
What It Really Says: Aside from the obvious, you know, seafood jokes, that he's quietly sad and wishes he could have fun and stare at the ever-rolling waves rather than talk about rape and murder all day.

Michael Phelps, L'Homme YSL
What It's Probably Supposed To Say: That he's suave and classy.
What It Really Says: While People apparently denies this is product placement, we kinda doubt it isn't. So this means that lil' Neptune has become a total corporate shill since winning 1.5 million gold medals at the Chinalympics. I mean, we've known this for some time, and who can blame the kid for cashing in on his new-found fame. But you'd think that a young man as passionate about swimming as he seems to be would chose, like, "the smell of chlorine" or something. But he probably doesn't find that sexy anymore. No, that's work. The money is sexy. Giant swimming pools full of cologne-smelling money.

Taye Diggs, “vanilla, chocolate, sandalwood and musk essential oils"
What It's Probably Supposed To Say: These are pretty cliche! And sorta like sexy sexy. I guess this means that he's a just a smooth, sensual, lover brother who will give you the passionate time of your life when you're on vacation in Jamaica, escaping the grind with your friend, happy to be briefly away from your busy life being a single mom to your son back in San Francisco. Oh. Wait. That was just a movie. Um, I guess it just means that his wife, Broadway star Idina Menzel, is just a very, very happy woman.
What It Really Says: Actually, that's probably it.

Chace Crawford, "fresh cut grass"
What It's Probably Supposed To Say: Well apparently Miss Crawford says of the smell: "[I] grew up playing a lot of football and golf ... When I smell freshly cut grass I get this air of competition. It wakes me up, gets me going." So, he's a good clean all-American boy!
What It Really Says: That thinking of football and sweat and sports makes him feel sexy! That is totally normal! Lots of men feel like that. Big, strong manly men like Rock Hudson and Richard Chamberlain and Tab Hunter. Either that or he's just a young man who gets a bit peckish when thinking of balmy, breezy summer and, well, um, the neighbor boy who used to mow the lawn across the street in nothing but gym shorts.

Aiken says he expects the news may overwhelm some of his fans. "Whether it be having a child out of wedlock, or whether it be simply being a homosexual, it's going to be a lot," said Aiken, who returned to Broadway last week as Sir Robin in Monty Python's Spamalot.

He adds that he hopes his fans "know that I've never intended to lie to anybody at all. ... But if they leave, I don't want them to leave hating me."

...As for his own child, Aiken tells PEOPLE that Parker – who was conceived via in vitro fertilization with his best friend, music producer Jaymes Foster – will be raised in an environment that is "accepting and allowing him to be happy."

Says Aiken: "I have no idea if he'll be gay or straight. It's not something I'll have anything to do with, or that he'll have anything to do with. It's already probably up inside the code there ... No matter what the situation you're in, if you're raised in a loving environment, that's the most important thing."

We can only hope that Aiken's dedicated fans can overcome their devastation to realize that though they may never be Mrs. Clayton Holmes Grissom Aiken, neither will any other woman. Eventually, when Aiken finds love with a Tennessee personal trainer who then goes on to sell his story for $50,000 and photo refusal to InTouch Weekly, Aiken will need each and every one of you. Be there for him, won't you?

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Clay Aiken: I'm a Gay Dad [People]

The cost of the photos has yet to be officially disclosed, with most estimates ranging between $10 million and $15 million and any proceeds going straight to charity. Really, though, no charity is greater than the soft, pulsating glow sure to radiate forth from little Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline, their infant peace held over from an extended, restful sojourn in the Presidential Suite of celebrity uteri. People got a bargain.

• See the First Photo of Brad & Angelina's Twins [People]

• People mag snags US rights to Jolie-Pitt twin pix [AP]

"She's gone public about being a heroin addict. Her boyfriend is covered in tattoos. By default, she's got the more interesting baby."

Admittedly, any star worth their drug history will corral the public's fascination (there's a reason Behind The Music was such a smash hit, thanks to its consistent inclusion of addiction-laden tales), but regarding star power, Aguilera is the proven winner. According to IMDB, the chameleon-like songstress has appeared on 19 US magazine covers to date (and that's not including 31 additional international covers!), compared to Richie's paltry two: FHM in 2004 and Seventeen in 2005. But apparently when it comes to babies, stars are no longer playing the fame game. It's more of a "which baby is more destined to wind up like Daniellynn" kind of game which, however sick and twisted it may be, is admittedly more fun.

• RICHIE COVER OUTSELLING AGUILERA'S [MSNBC.com]

That magazine is People. Competitors in the industry have long been steamed at what they perceive as People's seemingly unfettered access to Jolie, her children, and Brad Pitt, and the magazine's role in turning Jolie into some sort of vainglorious, self-righteous and yet extremely hot version of Mother Theresa. And it turns out that People's campaign to earn the trust of Jolie and Pitt has deep roots that are now so firmly planted that the couple doesn't think twice about to whom they grant interviews and where they allow their photographs to run—even though the photographs are ostensibly put on the open market by Getty. It's People, People, People.

In March 2005, Jolie told an audience at the National Press Club that she and Maddox had recently visited Ethiopia, and "he has been asking for an African brother or sister," People reported. In May 2005, People magazine ran a heartwarming story about children orphaned by AIDS in Ethiopia. In addition to the children, the piece also highlighted the work of Worldwide Orphans Foundation, a New York-based organization founded by Dr. Jane Aronson.

The magazine hadn't mentioned Dr. Aronson for four years when it did the piece in 2005. Then, in June 2005, a previously unknown (to the pages of People, at least) name began appearing in the magazine—that of Jeffrey Sachs, the Columbia economist and UN adviser who's known for his work in reducing poverty and fighting AIDS.

It's no coincidence that both Aronson and Sachs are close to Jolie. Aronson is Jolie's daughter Zahara's pediatrician, and after Jolie adopted "Z" from an Ethiopian orphanage, Aronson is the doctor Jolie credits with saving Z's life. Jolie has been working with Sachs since at least 2005, when their work together in Kenya was documented in a film shown on MTV in September of that year.

According to a source close to the magazine, People embarked on a deliberate campaign to ingratiate themselves with Sachs and Aronson to get on Jolie's good side. "It was all very organic-seeming," says the source, because of People's natural mix of celebrity reporting and human-interest stories. "It was really pretty brilliant—People did lovely separate pieces on them both and their work, and when an Angelina piece would come up, Aronson and Sachs could also be used as sources. Of course, there were a few charity dinners thrown in, like things benefiting [Aronson's] Worldwide Orphans organization. It was subtle and gradual, and most important, fit in with the human interest pieces that People is known for anyway."

Another industry source noted that Jolie establishes stringent requirements for her photos to be published—requirements that People is uniquely positioned to meet. "A three-page memo went out with Cambodia pictures—you can run these pictures but you have to positively talk about Cambodia. Sure enough the pictures ran, and there was this great spread about Cambodia. You will pay me and do stories about what I want to do stories about. Leading up to the baby, all of a sudden—their baby, born in Africa, all of a sudden you saw articles in People about Africa."

Jolie outperforms for People. According to Variety, the Shiloh pictures brought their website 26.5 million page views in a day.

And according to TMZ.com head Harvey Levin, it just comes down to People being a "safer venue for someone like Angelina. There's so little control left in the lives of big celebrities. When they have what they consider to be a safe haven, some of them still use it," he said.

So when it came time for the June 2006 auction for the photos of Pitt and Jolie's daughter Shiloh, the photos eventually went to People for a reported $4 million for North American rights; People reportedly won because it partnered with Hello! in the U.K. to offer one bid. But according to an industry insider, few sets of pics since then have gone on the open market—or if they have, their eventual provenance is a foregone conclusion.

"The way it used to work is that everyone would see the pictures and bid on them as a set. It carried the caveat that Angelina had publication approval. So the weeklies played the game, and bid. But it became clear to us that the only pub that would be approved was People. Basically they've cut out the bullshit, and they just sell the stories to People. So they use Getty as a broker. They're laundering it through Getty," this source said. "There was a set of them in New Orleans—which never was published, because they only approved People. People wasn't interested, so rather than take money—Angelina does say this is all for charity—and appear in another mag, they chose to not take the money, because they'll only deal with People." (Another source said, "People don't realize—New Orleans is the Namibia of the Gulf States. Their government can be persuaded to abide by a different set of rules. [Jolie and Pitt's] lives are exponentially easier in New Orleans than in LA. The cops were super tough on a lot of the photographers down there, to the point that at least one agency just threw up their hands and said forget about it.")

The most recent pics of Angelina and her brood were taken in Vietnam, when she went to pick up her latest adopted child, Pax. "She flew Zahara out for the shoot—no Shiloh," said the source. (Maddox was already there.) "There was lots of bidding, and it went to People, as everyone knew it would."

People has long prided itself on not paying sources or for stories, but some in the industry argue that People is doing just that with its arrangements with Jolie. With the eternal caveat: even if the profits go to charity.

"They're the employer, they're paying her, they pay for them. For example, these pictures, they're marked for only approved publication, but there's only one approved publication," said the industry source. "You can bang your head against the wall but the fact is she's working for them, and they pay her. Every time a life event happens, or she goes on vacation, she sets up a picture and they pay for it."

When called for comment, a People spokesperson responded via email: "Our next issue hasn't closed yet and we don't comment in advance." A Getty spokesperson did not return a call for comment.

TMZ's Levin is skeptical that the Brangelina juggernaut can last much longer. "How many shots of another kid she's adopting can you get before it all starts to feel the same?" In any case, Levin is content to let the weeklies duke it out among themselves. "If that's the war among the weeklies, it makes me happy."