1.) 105-year-old celebrates birthday at male revue

Love her. I also love her door-knocker earrings, purple nails, and Baby Phat track suit.

2.) Glassy-eyed Fanilow
Paula Abdul attended a Barry Manilow concert, where Entertainment Tonight caught up with her backstage.

3.) Hailey Glassman
Jon Gosselin's girlfriend was on The Insider this week to discuss how hard it is being famous. In this clip, she pays Kate Gosselin a compliment, then insults her, then goes into detail about when Jon first stuck his ween in her.

4.) Boys don't cry.
Mary Hart tried her damnedest—during her exclusive interview with Chaz Bono regarding his sex reassignment process—to get Chaz to break down and cry over how horrible all of this must've been for him. Chaz wouldn't bite. It's kinda great watching him kind of get off on being withholding.

5.) Big-ass joint
In the History Channel's docu-drama Manson, the reenactment of Dennis Wilson getting high with the Family seemed cartoonish.

6.) Man down, code 10!
Keyshia Cole's mom Frankie hosted BET's Red Carpet pre-show for the Hip Hop Awards.

7.) Babs!
She was in rare form this week.

Really rare.

8.) Holly Montag
Who would've thought that Heidi's sister would turn out to spike the punch of The Hills with her dance "fights."

9.) "Nuptial Decadence"
Why does that term sound so delicious?

10.) Ew.
I don't know which is more disturbing: the fact that the woman in this commercial is afraid of her husband, or the fact that frozen mussels actually exist.

1.) Janice Dickinson
The Insider has a new format sort of based on The View's "Hot Topics," in which the "news" correspondents and a celebrity guest debate bullshit tabloid stuff. The show describes it as "entertainment news with opposing views." Janice Dickinson was the guest on Wednesday, and they really need to just give her the job permanently, because she has finally found her perfect calling.

On Jon Gosselin:

On Whitney Houston:

On confusing saying the word "jackass" and acting like one:

2.) Bobby Brown's body is "pure"

What does Janice think of him?

3.) New Judge Judy episodes!
It's been a cruel summer without some new JJ. Thankfully the new season has returned to dispense the most practical advice in the world.

4.) "Get off your period, dude."
On The Real World: Cancun reunion show, Emilee almost got all L7.

5.) Police work stinks for women

6.) Why did Kim look like Dracula's girlfriend?

Oh, and of course, this.

7.) "Get ready for the fashion show!"

8.) They're just not that into you.
On True Life: I'm Polyamorous, three gay men were in one relationship with each other, but one of them is totally the outcast.

The outcast's solution was to add one more guy into the mix, to a balance. Once he found a suitable candidate, he brought him home to meet his boyfriends, and it all worked out for the best.

9.) How not to raise children.

10.) Paula Abdul

She needs a pageant mom for some stability.

Pink's "Get This Party Started" accompanied Abdul's entrance and, considering the lyrics, — "I'm Coming Up" — makes us wonder whether Abdul was trying to intimate that Ellen has a big ego. Plus, "I'm coming up" sounds like "coming out," which could be a dig at Ellen's lesbian ways. Then, looking back earlier in the day, Abdul said that American Idol would be a "different show" with Ellen in the judge's seat.

If you ask us, that sounds like a backhanded compliment from a woman whose love of money cost her a position in America's biggest spotlight. Now she's forced to make a spectacle of herself while dressed as the woman who replaced her.

But, have to admit: Abdul does do a knock-out job mimicking Ellen's mannerisms.

DeGeneres, who has to be the hardest working woman in show business, is absolutely ecstatic over the news.

I'm thrilled to be the new judge on American Idol. I've watched since the beginning, and I've always been a huge fan. So getting this job is a dream come true, and think of all the money I'll save from not having to text in my vote.

We too are thrilled thrilled, because it's just plain wonderful DeGeneres got this gig. First, she fulfills something we feared would be lost in Abdul's absence: genuine niceness. Sure, that Kara DioGuardi chick likes to pretend she's nice, but her condescending tone reveals her true colors. Abdul, though a bit off-kilter, brought some tenderness to an otherwise cut throat competition. As cynical and hard-hearted as we can be, it's nice to get a little unadulterated excitement every once in a while.

Another reason DeGeneres gives us a thrill: she's a lesbian. Shocking, yes, but it's true. After homosexual Adam Lambert made it so far last season, Idol producers are now publicly acknowledging — or, at least, accepting — the show's innate gayness. (Although, lesbians are far less controversial than those sissy boys, but still.) This isn't only a step for out celebrities, but for the show itself.

Third, DeGeneres is funny, and not sad, pathetic funny like the oft-ridiculed Adbul. She's a comedienne and can actually make us laugh, something that doesn't intentionally happen that often when Simon, Randy or that other girl judge contestants. So, that's good.

Finally, we feared that Idol producers would try to reinvigorate a long-lost pop star's celebrity status, as they did with Abdul herself. Or, just as worrisome, they could have tried to bring on a sensational, but ultimately pathetic, celebrity, like audition judge Posh Spice. Such a move would have looked either like a blatant, desperate ratings ploy or simply an attempt to make lighting strike twice. DeGeneres is well-respected, highly popular and, most importantly, still famous, all of which are good. Also, she doesn't need the money, which, we're sure, made contact negotiations a breeze.

Many a nationally respected newspaper has gone wildly careening down the rabbit hole chasing a false rumor or half-baked non-story. With three companies holding joint ownership (Fox, Freemantle, and 19 Productions) and a host of oversized stars and their entourages wandering around the set, little is knowable beyond what turns up on the air. So were we wrong to say Paula quit because of money and ego?

The answer I can authoritatively state is, no. And maybe.

When Paula announced she was leaving, sources close to the former-for-now judge say that after a long, emotionally wrenching struggle with the production, she believed she was ending her Idol journey and was not just trying to ratchet up the pressure in her negotiations.

But since then rumors have persisted that doors have remained ajar; people may still be talking.

With confirmable facts being impossible to come by in the tightly controlled circle involved with Idol contracts, analyzing the rumor mill is a bit like sifting through intercepted Al Qaeda communiques; it is very hard to judge the quality of any particular bit of information, but one can attempt to judge the quantity of radio traffic. And all one can say, from looking at the web the level of chatter has become very high, with three sites separately reporting sources inside the Idol/Abdul machines that a rapprochement may be in the works. Any one of these sites is very capable of getting the story very wrong, but the fact that all three are reporting raises the threat level at least.

First with something hard was TMZ which reported last Friday:

Sources tell us Paula Abdul will make a deal with American Idol if the price is right—and we're told that price is $10 million a year.

We've already reported well-connected Idol sources say they haven't closed the door on bringing Paula back for season nine. We're told they have not communicated with Abdul since she tweeted her goodbye, and auditions start Friday—without Paula.

This morning Perez Hilton seconded this movement:

Her departure from the show wasn't a publicity stunt, but it was definitely a negotiating tactic.

Sources VERY close to Paula Abdul reveal exclusively to PerezHilton.com that the beloved judge is working to get back on American Idol.

"Don't count Paula out just yet," says our Abdrool insider, telling us that talks are being held about having Paula return and trying to come to a deal that makes sense.

And finally the most specific piece of info was posted today on Idol fan blog Joe's Place, which has broken an Idol story or two in its day.

I am hearing that when the Judges are on hand for round three of the American Idol 9 auditions, none other than Paula Abdul will be sitting at the judges table with Simon, Randy and Kara.

[UPDATE: In the minutes since this went up, Joe's Place took down their post saying Paula would be on hand for the Atlanta judging rounds. Did they hit too close to home or is the BS about Paula returning after all withering now that people are paying attention?]

As stated, any one of these places is very capable of getting the story wrong, and any source may not be as plugged in as they think they are.

So what could be behind this? Perhaps the uproar over her departure overwhelmed the Idol team. Idol is not a show that likes to say "no" to its public.

Chances are, however, that with divorce papers already submitted to the courts, the parties are focused on getting on with their lives. But there's enough out there to make one think that, just maybe, what seemed impossible is possible: Idol might stay on the front pages for yet another week of it's off-season.

EW.com reports that Paula's first post-resignation gig will be guest spot on Ugly Betty. She'll play a temp secretary who bonds with ditzy receptionist Amanda, who is basically Paula Abdul in a headset. Before then, she'll guest star on Drop Dead Diva, Lifetime's show about a woman who dies and finds herself without a job on America's most popular TV show, we mean, trapped in the body of a fat lawyer. Anyway, both sound ridiculous.

But the news today is that ABC wants more out of her than a guest starring role. Network head wants her not as a judge, but as a contestant on Dancing with the Stars and possibly with a show all her own. Oh, we can only dream!

Oh, and the New York Times reveals today that Paula left American Idol because of money concerns and because she never felt like she was appreciated. But then again, you knew that already.

Why did Paula do it? After I reported three weeks ago that Idol's "nice judge" Paula Abdul was considering walking away from the television behemouth, her manager's statements were widely considered to be a negotiating ploy. [Ed. note: To totally brag, Richard was the only reporter who actually spoke to Abdul's manager during her contract negotiations.] However, after doing several Abdul contract pieces this year I saw that beneath the bluster, she was in fact, emotionally getting ready to make the change. Why would you walk away from the biggest show in TV history?

1. She wasn't joking about the money. Jaws dropped when I reported a few months back that while mean judge Cowell was making upwards of $40 million, Abdul was making downwards of 2 million. And she had had enough of this. It's been reported since that she asked for $20 million in a new contract and Idol was willing to bump her up into the range of $4 million. From my chats with her and her manager, she was very serious about not coming back unless the increase was something major.

2. She can get more elsewhere. People say, "But Paula is nothing without Idol!" The proper phrasing might be, she would've been nothing without Idol. But now she is an on-screen character of the biggest show in the world and she's a free agent. There are a lot of networks out there (four to be precise) who would try anything — anything — to take even a small bite out of the Idol juggernaut, and they'd be willing to pay a lot more than $4 million to do it. Why not an Idol competitor starring Paula on another net?

3. Living in the Cowell shadow is only fun for so long. And that amount of time is something less than 8 years. Having to make a fraction of his money, have a fraction of the respect and clout he gets around the set and around the world, eventually the "I'm just lucky to be here" feeling wears off. And once it was announced a few week's back that Seacrest's contract too would soar into the stratosphere, all incentive to take table scraps and keep riding in the back seat evaporated.

4. She wants to be her own woman and mogul. Eight years of filling in the assigned ditsy-whipping girl slot on the panel on someone else's show, forget about whether the slot is deserved, can make you start dreaming about what kind of show you would really like to be doing. Believe it or not, Paula brims with ideas for her own shows — witness her cheerleading competition in the last year. And walking away with a bit of Idol luster, my guess is there'll be a lot of people ready to take some meetings.

5. It's not about the money but...the right amount of money could have solved all the above problems. My guess is somehow or other, Idol decided over the last month or so that this should go back to a three judge format — it was universally agreed the four judge panel had become a monster — and the third judge would be Kara whose contract they announced last week ahead of this. They also put out the eye-popping figures Seacrest would be pulling down on his new deal before going into Paula's negotiation. Considering Ryan still had a year left on his contract, there was no reason that had to happen, and if they were really going into a serious negotiation with Paula, having that out there didn't help.

The question now for Idol, without its token nice judge, is does the judiciary just become a vicious slapfest, with no respite for the poor struggling but stumbling singers? And will the audiences be turned off by the now unrestrained bloodlust? The only thing riding on that question is hundreds of millions of dollars.

About an hour or so ago, Paula issued a series of seemingly heartfelt tweets reflecting upon her time as an Idol judge (Can't you just see her weeping madly as she typed her tweets?) and thanking fans for all of their support of her.











But then Bonnie Fuller popped up to call bullshit on Paula, saying that a new contract has already been signed and that all of this is just a publicity stunt.





So who to believe here? The occasionally lucid ex-pop star, or the conniving former Gossip queen desperate to drum up publicity for her new internet gig? Though perhaps the biggest question of all is what the hell else is Paula Abdul going to do?

Though we love Paula's slurry antics, the problem with her (and the judging panel as a whole) is that we know exactly what she's going to say before the contestant is even finished butchering their overexposed pop song of the week. Even though Simon Cowell has her back, we can understand why Fox wouldn't want to pay her millions to say "Don't listen to Simon, sweetie. You are a bright light shining from within a blue jay that sings like a butterfly. Now buy my jewelry."

Mary Murphy, on the other hand, is a kook with some cred. Not only did she have a legit dancing career, but her over enthusiasm is saved for the contestants that actually earn it. For those who do less than stellar, she gives them constructively critical remarks.

But when they do well, she is all screams, claps, and laughter while doling out rides on the "Hot Tamale Train." It's kind of like watching a hyena have an orgasm. But funnier. Not only do we love Mary, but we trust her. Paula more like your drunk aunt who you laugh at as she drools on herself in the corner.

We wouldn't change a thing about Paula, and we don't want her as snide as Simon, ridiculous as Randy, or cunty as Kara, but, for heaven's sake, lady, be as critical of the singers as you are in your drug prescriptions.

Fox! What is going on with you? Your network has set the high water mark for quality and now you choose to ruin your good name with this abysmal judgment? Why would you ditch Paula? Is it because she sat on a day laborer in Brüno (that was obviously a symbolic critique on our broken immigration policy!) You can't get rid of Paula. She is the slurred voice of the Vicodin riddled masses! She is the chorus in the Greek tragedy of Idol — which, obviously, makes Simon the smite-happy Zeus. Even though her remarks lack a certain insight they're like tight hugs to terrified contestants. Paula is the teacher that believes every child's finger-painting portrait belongs on the fridge. How can you turn your back on her? Here's a reminder of her wonderfulness:

Musical theater tribute to Paula's big heart!

Paula just wants your affection.

Paula on the beauty of Jason Castro (and Leonard Cohen)!

"It does not appear that she's going to be back on 'Idol,'" says Paula's manager David Sonenberg. He's tried and tried to get some sort of deal from producers FremantleMedia and 19 Entertainment, but well... we all know what it means when Hollywood doesn't return calls. Blame new judge Kara DioGuardi. Paula's status as Queen of AI felt rocky as soon as there was a new girl in town. We smell a catfight!

Ryan Gay/Straight/Gay Seacrest, meanwhile, sits pretty and overly tanned with his three-year, $45 million deal. Oh, Paula, we love you, because you're cra-ay-ay-azy! [EW]

Page Six hisses that the girl, who is forever yours, had a lengthy sitdown with the fake gay Austrian fashion reporter, and has still not figured out—because synapses fire pretty slowly through Farina—that it was all a hoax. Most people who were duped by the reality comedian figured it out pretty quick, but no, not dear Paula. Her spokesperson declined to comment, but, I guess, now she must be aware of it.

Sorry P!

No, I'm just kidding. It mostly had to do with the fact that Lil Rounds was, in fact, not a terribly gifted singer and that Anoop Desai is a cute little North/South college a cappella nerd, but a pop career that description rarely makes. I'd say that Anoop had a great run, a fantastic run, as good a run as a guy who almost didn't make it to the finals could hope for. Top 7 (but really Top 6, if you think about it)! And you could say that Lil had a far worse ride than she could have, what with all that early vocal bombast either squandered or misrepresented. But forget her shaky vocals. The real problem for the future of Lil as a recording artist is that she barely registered amid the sea of Gokey be-boppers and Lambert shrill-shakers and Krissy Allen pants-wetteners. Who the hell was Lil Rounds? I dunno. Do you?

Anyway, the show. The show was... sort of horrifying, actually! First there was the inevitable dance number. This was a special one for two reasons, one sad and embarrassing, the other sad and embarrassing but kinda fun. The first reason is that, yes folks, Scott the Blind Guy is no longer with us, so we can have a bit more freaky funk dancin'. Elephant, meet dance studio. There you go. The other reason it was special was because someone put a wig on a coat rack and taught it to dance and gave it the name Paula Abdul. Yes, Marsha Mumblemouth decided to put her award-winning choreography chops to the test and create a disco dance for the final seven to prance while at home, without pants, I plan my trip to France. (Oddly, I am actually going to France in a week. The natural rhyming of life!)

The dance was... Well, the clip is above. It was sort of thrilling because Kris Allen Broke. It. Down. I mean, fool can dance. For a guitar swishing, bible thumping troubadour white boy, that is. Actually, everyone was pretty competent at the strange, jellyfish-like dancing moves. If your cubicle-mate Gary is away, I dunno in Palm Springs with his partner or something, and you just don't have enough disco-geigh in your life today, give it a watch. It just might cure what ails you.

Also in the show there was the sorta-cute Ford ad, this one about people with day jobs who secretly go to Open Mic Nights at clubs to chase their true dream of singing. Which is sort of funny because these Idol kids have deliberately bypassed the pavement-pounding and open-mic'ing that usually, after a period of years, turns talent into artistry. Nah, they've just gone blundering into proto-fame with shaky Bambi-leg vocals and boatloads of bad magicks. (Remember in Buffy season six when Willow becomes addicted to magic, but it's like... fleeting, bad, temporary magic that is really strong, but leaves you pretty quickly? American Idol is that.)

Then the auditorium was filled with the sound of creaking ropes and pulleys and everyone started coughing because dust filled the air and out came... Freda Payne, 162 years old and warbling "Band of Gold." It was the kind of American Idol skullfuckery that not only hurts the audience's feelings, but also makes the performer look like some desperate nincompoop, here rattling around on The Biggest Show On Earth, hoping for some whiff of relevancy. It was just a parade of miseries. Some other lady came out and sang a song badly (though, not as badly as poor Payne), and then we understood why there was a Zamboni parked outside and why the whole placed smelled like bratwurst because a panel opened upstage and out lumbered KC of KC and the Sunshine Band. He was balding and paunchy and just looked so very tired and it was so, so sad. These three people introducing their old colleagues, rivals even!, from thirty years ago. A high school reunion for kids who spent their high school years coked-out and dancing in empty warehouses or something. I dunno. Devastating.

After everyone wiped away the tears and the ambulances hauled KC off, it was time to get down to brass tax. Dimmed lights, quick and simple, Lil is sent home. She sings, blah blah, time for David Archuleta! Oh, Seth Abramovitch's favorite Idol contestant ever, the "shaved koala" of our erstwhile recapper's heart, he's so darling. And he has picked up some stage performance chops, moving and jumping and kicking and running and doing pushups and I don't know. He was just all over the place. But it was charming enough, mostly because the song was about a little (doesn't know he's gay yet) teen boy who never wants the song to end because then he'll have to stop dancing with the girl of his glittery dreams.

After Seacrest remained seated for a few minutes after David's performance ("Nothing, nothing, just have a cramp"), it was time to reveal the other bottom two. Anoop again, no big whoop. But Allison. Sigh, Allison. The indignity of having Archuleta, who was never in the bottom three, try to give these perennial bottom-rungers a pep talk was bad enough, but also, Allison is actually good! Like, the best in the competition. Sure her song choices are uninspired and her fashionz are Tom Ford for Crazy People, but... she's such a raw, natural talent. What's wrong with you, America!

But, crisis was averted when it was announced that 'Noops was leaving us. Everyone clapped and cried and actually both Lil and Anoop were extremely gracious in thanking people and staying alert and not doing that shitty sobbing thing that other contestants are wont to do when when their champagne wishes turn out to be flat. So that was the end of that and five people remain.

Because why the hell not, here's how I think the rest of the season goes down:

5) Matt, 4) Allison, 3) Kris, 2) Gokey, 1) Lambert.

I mean, that's sorta easy, right?

She wasn't as loopy as past performances on her previous TV home QVC, but she definitely had her slurred-speech moments.

On Monday, she told Barbara Walters she "begged producers" not to let Paula Goodspeed, who had been sending her scary letters for close to 18 years, into the audition room. It was a request producers responded to in typical fashion. ("Do you enjoy your job here, Paula? It would be a shame if something were to happen to it, don't you think? And what might become of your Forever My Girl trinket-belt sales if you were to go back to being a nobody? What's that? You agree? Yes, we thought you might. Now bring in the nice stalker girl! We have some Idol disaster-week magic to make here and the day's not getting any shorter, people!")

Asked to weigh in on the controversy, former Idol EP Nigel Lythgoe (you might remember him from this montage of lightly racist sassisms delivered on the set of So You Think You Can Dance) demonstrated the deep wells of sympathy that characterize all competitive reality show producers:

"You do not take somebody in that room that you believe is a danger to herself or a danger to Paula," Nigel Lythgoe told PEOPLE... "That would not enter our heads.

"The very fact that this happened, I'm really sad for her family," said Lythgoe. "It happened about four weeks ago. For it to come back four weeks later, I'm really sad we're still talking about it."

"[Goodspeed] had been through an audition process with the producers, an audition process with the executive producers, and we were wheeling her in as a huge fan of Paula Abdul," Lythgoe said. "This is what we knew: She was a great fan, she was a lovely girl. And a great fan of Paula."

Lythgoe added: "We've seen over 700,000 contestants. And one has made a terrible, terrible mistake. If you're an odds man, they are great odds."

Don't clutter up his head with questions regarding disturbed individuals who'd demonstrated time and again why they might be a threat to his employees and themselves. That was a whole four weeks ago! We'll just have to take Lythgoe's word that Goodspeed was "wheeled in" as a huge fan of Paula's—not particularly the most sensitive choice of phrasing, mind you, when you consider she left the same way.

• Paula Abdul Lashes Out at Idol Producers [People]

He makes a good case. The fact that Paula had been followed by her obsessive fan for 17 years didn't seem to dissuade producers from trotting Goodspeed in front of the Idol firing line, placing her safely within Paula biting distance for her ear-splitting rendition of "Proud Mary." The video package that followed—in which a suspense movie soundtrack underscored her repeated promise that, "It's not over"—hardly de-escalated the situation. Despite the best efforts of gleeful instigator Letterman, however, Paula shied away from his proposal of suing Idol and Fox into the ground.

For something a little more festive, we offer now Paula's toy soldier entrance—perhaps the single most frightening choreographed approximation of a plaything to appear on our sets since Marie Osmond's Babydoll Dance of Despair.

[Late Show]

Earlier: Paula Abdul Trashed Is Everyone Else's Treasure
Paula Abdul Makes Another Bizarre TV Appearance

Abdul made the morning show rounds this a.m., ostensibly to bang the synth-drum loudly for the upcoming Idol season, and perhaps address some questions regarding the tragic suicide of Xtreme Abdul superfan Paula Goodspeed outside the singer's home last month. In the clip above, GMA host Robin Roberts is somehow held hostage by Abdul's endless spiel for her "Forever Your Girl" line of pill-bottle-totes and faux-fur krazy-kozies. Roberts is obviously a patient and lovely woman, but we think the occasion really called for her to grab Paula by the shoulders, shake her firmly, and shout, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, STOP TALKING ABOUT MESH BANDANAS FOR THREE SECONDS AND SHOW A LITTLE GRIEF FOR SOME KID DELUDED ENOUGH INTO THINKING YOU WERE WORTH STALKING!"

A little later at The View, noted fascinatingologist Barbara Walters managed to get the singer to open up about Goodspeed's death. In the potpourri of sluggish Paulaisms compiled for you below, Abdul reveals their relationship pre-dated Idol by a decade. That fact didn't seem to prevent Goodspeed's humiliating audition from making it to air, though we understand this year's background-check questionnaire will be markedly more stringent: So much as a "mildy agree" response on question #17 ("I have sacrificed an animal in the name of one of the show's judges or hosts") will result in immediate removal from consideration.

In the coming weeks, two new spots will start creeping repeatedly into your cherished quiet time with Drs. House and Annoyingly Sing-Songy Josh Jackson Sr.: The first is a big-budget, slickly produced Idol fever dream as told through David Cook's dreamy eyes, offering just a taste of what life might be like from inside the Rockstar-O-Matic machine. (Training-groupies, Costco-sized Jack Daniels bottles, and bouncing a delighted David Archuleta on your knee all figure heavily.) The second spot drops the shiny facade—this is real life we're dealing with here, after all—and puts us right into the action. It's our first indication of how things might play out with this season's Unknown Judging Quantity Kara DioGuardi, as she bolsters the Paula Abdul-led Team Vagina-Havers in a heated debate over the fate of a bikini-clad, brunette Brooke Hogan-alike. How she managed to get her hands on a golden ticket to Hollywood isn't entirely clear, though we find ourselves already pulling for the contestant—if only for the slim chance that she might make it to the final twelve, and offer guest-mentor Stevie Wonder the motorboating experience of the lifetime.

• Ad for Idol 8 admits looks matter, not singing [Reality Blurred]