In today's LA Times, Patrick Goldstein reports on the redemptive journey to freedom of director John Lee Hancock; imprisoned for the crime of directing The Alamo, Hancock was apparently granted some kind of work release furlough and allowed to make The Blind Side; that film's surprising box office success this weekend has apparently restored him to full movie director citizenship.

Was a time when the rules for director jail were simple: when there was a big bomb, someone had to pay and the person attached to the film who had been the biggest pain in the neck to studio bosses was it. After two simultaneous disasters, Orson Welles, for example, found his big-time career as a director effectively brought to an end and had to struggle for the rest of his days, working when he was allowed, under probation and heavy official supervision.

But today, as with so much in our society, the rules are much murkier. For the citizens of Hollywood, director jail still exists as a looming deterrent against bomb-making, but what gets you there can be very unclear; some directors these days are allowed to make bombs forever, while others seem to be imprisoned after making a hit. Is anyone safe? Has the world gone mad and is it just by Fortuna's whims that any one of us has not found ourselves dragged off and locked away in the dankest, bug-infested cell in movie dungeon?

Well, the rules are more complex, more flexible, with many loopholes but they still do exist. Here's our guide to what it takes to get in to and stay out of Director Jail:

The Law: The general principle remains the same since time immemorial; every director has a bank of capital built up by their hits. Each successful film earns a credit. Every movie-losing film costs you one credit. A bigger hit may earn more credits however, as a bigger flop costs more. When your account gets to zero credits, you are sent to director jail.

The case of the aforementioned Mr. Hancock remains one of the most straightforward, classical cases of movie justice. He began his film career with The Rookie, a modest success made on a modest budget, which earned him two credits. But he then went on to make The Alamo, a huge flop on a huge budget, which cost both his credits, earning him his jail sentence. Likewise Michael Bay had ample credits in his account to weather the debacle of The Island.

The Grosses Speak Law: Whether the film is good or not, whether the director could have been replaced by a monkey, matters not at all if the film is successful. Bret Ratner the titular visionary behind the abomination of the Rush Hour trilogy, which combined grossed the better part of a billion dollars worldwide, has earned himself enough credits to stay out of director jail forever and ever.

The Beholder Codicil: However, the twist of the modern world is that perception matters far more than the actual facts. Even if Bret Ratner's career were nothing but a string of bombs, in a business where, as William Goldman said "nobody knows anything" you can in fact fool all the people all the time. Unshakable belief in yourself and the ability to play the part of great auteur on a grand scale can, if needed, be everything and can keep one out of director jail for a very long time.

The Laughingstock Law: A couple decades back, Renny Harlin was the Bret Ratner of his day. A high-profile, on-the-town action auteur, with a starlet wife and who, with Die Hard 2 and Cliffhanger under his belt, could do no wrong. Until he did something very wrong; he made a movie that was not just a flop, it was so bad it made everyone involved with it look like abject maroons. The director jail authorities saided out to Cutthroat Island and carried Renny Harlin off for an extended vacation.

The Franchise Killer Act: No substance sustains life in Hollywood more than a successful film franchise — a series which can keep the spigots of cash flowing forever. And for the director who would kill a golden goose, no punishment is too great. Having made Speed and Twister in the 90's, Jan De Bont could have coasted for decades. But then he followed up Speed with the franchise killing Speed 2 - a sin which he just might have been gotten away with as it was his franchise to kill after all - but then he went on to bring down the might Lara Croft with The Cradle of Life, the third installment of her series. De Bont has not been heard from since.

The Coolness Exemption: In many instances, coolness creds can override profits and can keep a director out of director jail. There is a long line of entertainment poohbahs for whom being cool is almost as important as being successful, dying to work with anyone who can confer secondary cool. Donnie Darko, for instance, may have barely grossed a million on a $6 million budget, but its status as cult icon and ultimate cool film has created a long list of poohbahs wanting to work with director Richard Kelly. Even after the massive flop of his star-studded follow-up Southland Tales, Kelly continued to walk the streets. However, having now made an uncool flop with The Box, he may soon find there is a cell being readied with his name on it.

The Big Cool Friend Exemption: Director jail can also be avoided, or postponed, if a director can produce big movie star friends. Kevin Smith, for instance, whose bombs should have sent him to the movie guillotine long ago, remains at liberty thanks to his ability to get a long line of big name actors from Ben Affleck to Seth Rogen to vouch for him by appearing in his movies.

The Oscar Exemption: So long as smell of trophies cling to an auteur, they can buy their freedom indefinitely. Paul Thomas Anderson's films may always been more favored by critics than popcorn eaters, but so long as his genius-of-the-cinema creds remain off the map, so will never see the inside of a cell in director jail.

Now defunct: there used to be a disgrace to the entertainment industry law which carried with it a 20-year sentence, but since the term "disgrace to the entertainment industry has become an oxymoron, the law has been unenforced for years.

After the audience stood up for a Spanish version of "God Bless America," the actors sat down and got right into it. First up we met a couple whose love for alcohol is at the center of their connection, then a couple getting to know each other over a complicated personality test (Armisen: "Do you often have emotional outbursts without thinking them through?" Rudolph: "What kind of fucking question is that?"), then a third couple on their first date as they discuss stuffed animals (Rudolph: "When I was little, I used to put Snoopy between my legs and just hump him so hard. I humped him and humped him until his nose broke off.").

Sorry — spoiler alert? The (re)viewer notes that the vignettes comprised roughly 15 couples in all, with little more connective tissue than its author's irreverence and the SNL veterans channeling it. It can't be any worse than Baby Mama. Find out for yourself if you're feeling adventurous and can manage to mug a ticketholder; even Craigslist has nothing doing for tonight's second and final show.

• Paul Thomas Anderson’s Top-Secret Play Revealed [Vulture]
• Maya Rudolph and Fred Armisen [Largo]

You know we love you. We've seen everything you've done multiple times, once even all in the same day. Our hearts soared when Daniel Day-Lewis credited your "mad, beautiful head" for his Oscar triumph this year; his appreciation spoke for us as well. Sure, we have issues with Magnolia (OK, we hate it), but at least when the DVD came around we were able to make a little more sense of your passion and indulgence. That behind-the-scenes doc by Mark Rance? Fantastic. We'd have preferred the commentaries like those in Boogie Nights and Sydney (a/k/a Hard Eight), but hey. If you're going to charge us for two discs, you'd better make the second one worth our dime.

Which gets us to this new two-disc "collector's edition" of There Will Be Blood, which Paramount Vantage released April 8. Pardon us, but what the fuck is this?

We're sitting here with our favorite film of 2007, looking for your commentary. Nothing. We bust out the second disc. Photo clippings from your research? Three deleted scenes — only one of which features, you know, editing? And, finally, an exhumed silent short about the history of oil drilling? Really? $30 for two discs and all we get is a public-domain two-reeler from 1923?

Look, PTA, we know it's probably not your fault. There's probably a commentary sitting on some hard drive in Vantage boss John Lesher's office waiting for the precise moment when "collectors" will be ready to part ways with another $30 to hear it. There's probably behind-the-scenes footage with Scott Rudin arriving on location in Marfa, Texas, overdressed and throwing a BlackBerry at the assistant whose weather forecast turned out 15 degrees cooler than the actual temperature. We know there are interviews with you, Day-Lewis, Paul Dano and Ciaran Hinds floating around. We know because it's you, and we expect great things. Not... this.

So get with the fucking program already, PTA, and stop jerking us around with the most stingy, shabby, half-assed miscarriage of DVD justice since Mulholland Drive. You're not that pirate George Lucas, and we're not "collectors"; we're fans — true believers and dedicated followers who deserve better. And you're a candid visionary, so tell Paramount to fuck off and send us the real DVD already, for Christ's sake.

— Love, Defamer

• There Will Be Blood
• Salvation Scene In The Film, 'There Will Be Blood' [YouTube]

In today's episode: James Gandofini; Renee Zellweger; Kid Rock and Rev Run; Mike Binder; Lindsay Lohan; John Krasinski; Jennifer Aniston, Courteney Cox, David Arquette, Barry Manilow and Suzanne Somers; Paul Thomas Anderson, Maya Rudolph, Illeana Douglas, and Matt Walsh; Johnny Knoxville; Justin Chambers; Marley Shelton; Rebecca De Mornay; Ben and Fred Savage, Niecy Nash; Diane Delano; Tia Carrere; Lauren Conrad; Michael Moloney; and Jeremy Sumpter.

· 7/20/07 10:40 am: tony soprano (james gandofini) at whole foods - santa monica. Tony was by himself and pretty much on the phone the whole time.

· A few sightings this weekend:

7/21 - After foolishly dropping a lot of $ on sweats on a hot day in Malibu, I perked up when I spotted awesome family man and rap legend Reverend Run walking around with Kid Rock. Whatever they were up to, they looked like it was serious business.

7/22 - Leaving the Starbucks at Wilshire and Santa Monica, I passed Renee Zellweger getting out of her little silver Mercedes. She looked tiny and naturally beautiful in a little black dress and big black sunglasses. Later that day, I ran into Mike Binder grabbing a bite with one of his kids at the Century City food court.

· On Saturday 7/21, while waiting to see the Big Game Hunters sketch comedy show, tons of paparazzi we around the corner at Pop Killer. The celebrity in question was none other than Lindsay Lohan.

· Saturday 7/21: Having an amazing dinner at Giorgio Baldi in Santa Monica with my boyfriend and his family when we noticed that Courteney Cox, David Arquette and Jennifer Aniston were sitting two tables away from us! David is terribly sexy, but shovels his food into his mouth in a not very sexy way, and Courtney and Jen were pretty but too skinny, as is expected. At the table next to them was Suzanne Somers, looking like she's had too much work done, we were all commenting that the Thigh Master must've made her a pretty penny over the years! Also saw Barry Manilow coming in just as we were about to leave.

· I saw John Krasinski from The Office, eating lunch at Ammo on Highland (7/20). He was good-looking in comparison with the behind-the-scenes execs he was sitting with, but he didn't stand out. He wore that same bemused expression that he uses on TV. Maybe he still had shell shock from working with the manic Robin Williams.

· My girlfriend spotted Upright Citizen Brigader Matt Walsh at the free outdoor screening of Boogie Nights in Reseda on Sat. night (07/21). Before the movie started he appeared to be talking to himself, but was on his cell phone earpiece thing. This odd little troll sporting Lynyrd Skynyrd-style facial hair kept approaching him in an obsequious manner.

Even after the event organizer introduced director Paul Thomas Anderson and told everyone to please not talk during the movie, Anderson and yenta girlfriend Maya Rudolph chatted non-stop throughout. He did a live director's commentary, which was less insightful than one might hope for, while she cackled on a cell phone. I considered suggesting to her that I might be able to enjoy the movie if she were to rejoin The Rentals, who happened to be performing at Spaceland that night. If I never hear her annoying laugh again, it will be too soon.

The next day (07/21), girlfriend spots Goodfellas anti-Semite, Illeana Douglas, at the Hollywood Farmer's Market buying tomatoes next to me. Since I don't give a shit about fashion, I will break PrivacyWatch protocol by not reporting what she was wearing. That is all.

· Last night (7-23) around 8:30p I was walking down sunset near gower and saw johnny knoxville and an unidentified friend driving an old blue boat of a car... knoxville, driving, had his cellphone or a small handheld camera and was taking video or pictures of some homeless person pushing a cart... not quite sure what that was all about.

· Sunday 7-22-07 I was in a Santa Monica parking garage elevator with Justin Chambers [green striped polo shirt + chinos], and his wife/lady friend/female assistant. Clean, casual and about 5'10ish in person. Even TV stars park on level 8.

· July 20: On the first day of my first actual visit to LA, I checked out the Hollywood sign from Beachwood Canyon. Afterwards,
as we drove down the winding road, I saw the Beachwood Market and mistakenly thought it was just another fancy-ass house until we got closer and I saw that it was a fancy-ass grocery store. A black BMW or sportscar of some kind pulled up in front of the store and a tall blonde woman stepped out, pretty dressed up. It was Marley Shelton. She was wearing jeans, black heels, a dressy black spaghetti strap top with a chunky gold necklace and had very, very red lipstick on. She also has big, buggy eyes. Looks pretty much the same in person as on screen.

· A week's worth of sightings..

Monday (last) I was driving from Universal and in a big Mercedes with tobacco interior, complete with that damn flower behind her ear, was Niecy Nash from that show where they make you have a yardsale and then pretend that they can decorate your house without using tradeouts. Does she always run around in full makeup with a flower?

Also, it was a hopping afternoon at the Beverly Hills Hotel. I ran in to two Savages (Ben and Fred), who were having a hurang about something haveing to do with a car, then out in the Polo, Courtney Peldon was having lunch with some girl who had the best blonde I've ever seen. I thought maybe I saw Diana Ross, but I think it turned out just to be her hair twin. I was very hair oriented that day.

Tuesday (last) Diane Delano and a blonde girl at Marix and then at Hamburger Mary's in We Ho — they sure get around! (Is it appropriate here to say gee, she sure is popular? get it? like the show?)

Wednesday Tia Carerre and Lisa Ann Warren hosting bingo. Does anyone care about Tia anymore? After a night of ruined ball calling, I sure don't. Hey Mickey you're so fine eh.. not so much.

Thursday I saw teeny tiny little Kristen Chenoweth during my morning run to Starbucks. She has a chin length bob and favors teeny tiny white shorts that say "Pink" on the boot.

Friday I had a hangover and didn't go outside.

Saturday at the Grove movie theatre I saw Lauren Conrad, taller than I would have imagined in some trite dress (new awesome body, though) standing near the concierge and looking annoyed. She was standing with someone, but other than that the person was a human, I noticed nothing, not even gender. I went to see Hairspray, and I was sitting right behind Rebecca DeMornay and a gaggle of little girls (looked like she was the mom taking the bunch to the movies). Very sweet.

Sunday at The Abbey I saw that guy Michael Moloney (or something like that???) from Extreme Home Makeover showing off his iphone and perfect white teeth.

· I always see Jeremy Sumpter (2003's Peter Pan) at a bowling alley in Studio City. He's all grown up and looks quite good. And as can be expected, he's always with a gaggle of overly made-up girls.