1. Try finding another leading man as charismatic as Paul Newman — who can ice skate. And, in the spirit of the original, he's got to pull off a crusty, ex-pro player/coach pushing 50 who can credibly oversee a rogue Charlestown Chiefs squad of misfits, hacks and ne'er-do-wells. And charm the ladies. And do his own skating. Never. Happen.

2. Weren't the sequels punishment enough? It took 25 years for some dark-hearted cynic at Universal to realize the studio hadn't bludgeoned its cult classic into franchise submission, but they made the most of the travesty in 2002, toplining Stephen Baldwin in the straight-to-DVD abortion Slap Shot 2: Breaking the Ice. When you thought it couldn't get any worse, Leslie Fucking Nielsen showed up last year to drive the Slap Shot 3: The Junior League nail into Newman's casket. We understand no legacy is safe in Hollywood, but in these punishing economic times, let's be responsible. Plunder Bull Durham or something for a while.

3. You can't replace the Hanson Brothers. Tempting as it may be to rope in some of the modern NHL's most outlandish characters as the Chiefs' infamous "retards," let's face it: People love the Hansons. It's not like Universal can go out, put black-rimmed glasses Sean Avery, Todd Bertuzzi and Claude Lemieux, and throw them in the locker room to deliver indelible (and NSFW) scenes like this:

4. Dean Parisot is no George Roy Hill. Director Hill was no genius. But for five films between Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid and Slap Shot, he was one of the '70s most expert arbiters of tone, character and action, winning an Oscar for The Sting in 1973 but arguably topping out with this ensemble comedy that perfectly captured the lower-middle-class angst of late-'70s America. Parisot, who's attached to direct the new version, parlayed his own 1988 Oscar for the Steven Wright short The Appointments of Dennis Jennings into the sterling efforts of Galaxy Quest and his most recent remake horror, Fun with Dick and Jane. Well done, Universal.

5. Everyone will have to wear helmets. Safety first, we know. But imagine this extraordinary sequence working with the entire cast's faces obscured:

God, please make it stop.

• Parisot skates to 'Slap Shot' remake [Variety]

He was 76 when I worked with him on Road to Perdition. Conrad Hall was the cinematographer. He was about Paul’s age, maybe slightly younger, and he’d also shot Harper, Cool Hand Luke, and Butch Cassidy, so he had seen Paul from the age of 40, and there they were in their seventies, still shooting together. It was very moving. At one point he was shooting a close-up of Paul looking into a fire, and I turned round and Conrad was crying as he lit the shot.

I asked him what was the matter, and he just said, “He was so beautiful.” And I said, “Well, he’s beautiful now!” And he said, “Yeah, but he was so beautiful.” I think he was crying for both of them. But whereas Conrad, you see, was sort of not at peace with the idea of death and growing older, Paul said several times, “Yeah, I’ve had some great innings, it’s about time I give all this up. It’s all a bit silly.” There was this real sense of grace and dignity. He had nothing left to prove. He knew what a fortunate and wonderful life he had led, and he was very willing to admit that. That really lent him an aura of a minor deity to me. He had sort of ascended already.

That's just the first segment; there's much more where it came from. And while our job is to perhaps summarize this in some pithy, innocuous way, some stories really just demand telling themselves. So bravo, Mr. Mendes, and for what will in all likelihood be the last time, RIP, Mr. Newman. That is all.

• Sam Mendes Tells His Best Paul Newman Stories [Source]

Newman will likely be remembered as much for his philanthropic contributions as he will for his storied acting career. As a result of the success of his Newman's Own brand of salad dressings, popcorn and pasta sauces, he donated more than $250 million to various charities —including the Scott Newman Center, devoted to anti-drug education— over the course of the last twenty-plus years.

We leave you with what is one of our favorite on-screen moments of Newman's acting career, the legendary "No man can eat 50 eggs" scene from Cool Hand Luke.

[Photo Credit: AFP]

• Actor Paul Newman dies at 83 [LAT]

But then we were referred over to the blog belonging to Oregonian film critic Shawn Levy, a genuine authority who's neck deep in a Newman biography and recently offered vague confirmation of his own:

I have known for a while that Newman was very ill, probably with cancer, and today the Internet is flooded with the news that it's lung cancer and that it's not good; there aren't very good sources on any of these stories, and nobody has any shocking exclusives, but given what I know I find every word of them credible. ... He's 83, and his next birthday is in January, and we can only hope he'll make it. I suspect I'll be writing an obituary before I hold a copy of my book in my hand.

Well, Shawn, when you put it like that... Though we guess it's not like it could get any sadder, anyway.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• Paul Newman Has Cancer: AP Stands By Story Despite Newman's Hedging [AP]
• Going, Gently or Otherwise, into That Good Night [Mad About Movies]

The acclaimed actor is said to have been diagnosed at New York's Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center, where he is currently receiving outpatient treatment and is under a leading New York oncologist's care. One of the few to know about Newman's illness is his Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid costar and good pal, Robert Redford.

Meanwhile, neither the hospital nor Newman's rep has confirmed the reports. We'll hope for the best, shoot a round of 9-ball at lunch in his honor, and pass more word along as it comes in.

• Paul Newman is reportedly very ill with cancer [LAT]