In the old days, when "William Ayers" was just a whisper on the winds of the future instead of a frequent shriek during the 10am television hour, our dear young Lizzie (do we think she was a Lizzie? Maybe a Beth?) was a White Album-obsessed braceface who would eventually graduate from Boston College with a concentration on large paintings and industrial design. Who knew? And what happened? She pulled one of those teenage paintings out of storage to impress McCartney (the inadvertent Ringo to her Marge), who was no doubt touched by her extremely literal, insectoid rendering of The Beatles. "And those jars," McCartney remarked. "Are those a reference to..." "...The failings of liberal groupthink, yes," Hasselbeck answered. "Also, we has just learned to paint jars in my Oils and Acrylics elective."

• The View [ABC]

The photos were supposedly taken to "promote her anti-landmine charity work" and a source claims they were never used because of Mills' budding relationship with McCartney. But we believe it had more to do with the fact that they were just incredibly ill-conceived. Were they supposed to go on posters? Well, she's naked, so that wouldn't work. In magazines? She wasn't famous, so no to that. Online for creepy fetishists who want to bone a one-legged lady? Yes, but probably not the demographic you want for your landmine charity.

Now, we don't mean to criticize Mills too much. After all, she's been through experiences most of us will never know firsthand. But someone who can identify with her, Yoko Ono, recently defended Mills to the media, saying, "It's not very easy for a woman to be associated with The Beatles. I think all the wives did suffer, but suffered quietly and endured." Associated with The Beatles? Suffering quietly? Yes, that definitely describes Paul's wife. His wife Linda McCartney. In fact, while attending a recent gallery opening of his real wife's photos (on the tenth anniversary of her tragic death from cancer) Paul said of Linda, "She was so funny, smart and talented." We can only assume these are traits Paul missed while married to a woman who is none of those things. Oh wait, we were supposed to be not criticizing her...

• Mucca bares the lot [News Of The World]