It was editor-in-chief Graydon Carter himself who called in the orders to screw shut the fudge spigots that would have turned Morton's into a living, breathing Chocolate Rainforest, replete with edible gummy macaques and a live musical performance by Tay Zonday. We bring good news, however: The Vanity Fair party is indeed on this year, albeit relocated to the far more intimate Sunset Tower Bar, in keeping with the current climate of corporate thriftiness. What's more, the magazine has secured the sponsorship of three blue-chip advertisers to fuel their week of Oscar starfuckery. From wwd.com:

The series of pre-Oscar events, christened "Campaign Hollywood" and cosponsored by advertisers BMW, Dior and Bally, begins Monday with VF portraits of Oscar-nominated and -winning actors being unveiled in the windows of Rodeo Drive boutiques...

On Feb. 20, daytime festivities include a test-drive of the new BMW 7 Series beginning at Griffith Park Observatory and ending with lunch at the John Lautner-designed Garcia Home.

That night's festivities include Bally's Hollywood Domino party on the rooftop of the new Andaz West Hollywood hotel, hosted by Bally creative director Brian Atwood and Kate Bosworth to benefit the Art of Elysium.

Finally, the magazine's famed post-Oscar party returns this year in a new location, the Sunset Tower hotel, which boasts a killer view but much less space than Morton's. Already several regular invitees have noticed the scale back, quietly asking one another, "I didn't get my invite this year, did you?"

If you're a regular on the guest list and have yet to receive yours, don't panic. In a cost-cutting measure, they've decided to forgo stamped invites, in favor of tagging potential guests in a Facebook note from Carter asking for "25 Facts About You Proving Your Worth To Our Fabulous A-list Party." Failing that, there's always the last-ditch, Sean Young approach: big sunglasses, black Reeboks, and hauling tail like your career depends upon it.

• Vanity Fair's Oscar Comeback... [WWDMEDIA]

After the subdued night in the Eastman Room, the ball delivered a frenetic, classy-as-Hollywood-can-be excitement. The music was by the charming Pink Martini. The food was an excellent steak by Hollywood's royal chef, Wolfgang Puck. [...]

Michael Clayton himself, George Clooney, soon drops over and shouts to the group: "You know what this is!? This is the losers table! Look at me! You know what I am? I am a loo-ser! All night long everyone who comes up me makes this face," he says, mimicking the hangdog expression he's been getting. The table laughs, and whatever the group might be feeling inside, it appears in fine and cheery spirits to its dinner guest.

The joke, of course, is that Clooney, despite having failed to come away with another Swardstrom statuette, is as far as from a "loo-ser" as one can possibly conceive. Besides having single-handedly restored Old Glamour to a Hollywood that has all but lost its way—to say nothing of being Mr. August in the U.N.'s 2008 12 Hunks With Heart Calendar—George is also the man who managed to locate the source of that infernal beeping at Joel Stein's house. No, Mr. Clooney: You, sir, are no loo-ser. You sir, are a King Among Nominees.

• Kudos Crasher: Oscars 2008 [LAT]
• And the chocolate Oscar goes to... [venturacountystar.com]

This past Saturday I, along with 3000 other gays, got all fancied up for the annual GLAAD Media Awards. Have to say that it was quite impressive this year. Here are a few highlights: The Show...

· Sat near Marlee Matlin, her husband, translator and a few L-word cast members. Marlee looked fantastic...I have no idea how old she is but she looked very distinguished/Helen Mirren-esque.
· TR Knight opened the show. Okay, I get that he was discriminated against and Isaiah should have been fired, but it was a little odd that he got a standing ovation. He was very "shocked" with the ovation, didn't really deliver a very good speech and it just sort of started the night off a little weird.

· Next was Doogie...I mean Neil Patrick Harris. Great speech, very funny — he made a reference to everyone standing for TR and not clapping loudly enough for him. · Martina Navratilova was the lifetime achievement award winner. Awkward jokes, dressed in a what can best be described as a modified tux/t-shirt combo with a gold stripe down each leg. Very odd. Best part was she looked like she's had a little work done and she made fun of her decades of bad lesbian hair · Brothers and Sisters/Ugly Betty/Grey's Anatomy won awards — majority of the supporting cast from both shows were there (e.g. no Mc-anything showed from Grey's but the tranny from one of the episodes showed up along with Sara Ramirez) · Ms. Lance Bass presented — girl is about 2.5 feet tall but gave a decent speech · Eva Mendez was to my left chewing gum the whole night and looking a little out of it. · Jason Lewis presented...I don't think he can read because his presentation was more of hooked-on-phonics lesson than an actual speech. Damn hot though so I could care less if he is illiterate. · At one point in the evening there was an awkward call for donations. They trotted out volunteers and asked the celebs to literally stand up and join the media circle ($2K donation I think). Jason Lewis was one of the first to stand...good on him...again, so hot that I don't care if he is illiterate. · Ben Affleck — okay, he can't even get a joke right. He made a reference to it being easier for him to win an Oscar than to marry Matt Damon. I'm not really sure where he was going with the joke but the delivery was horrible. Soft clapping ensued. · And I saved the best for last...every gay in the place lost it and nearly tossed their panties on stage when Jake Gyllenhaal walked out to present an award to Jennifer Aniston. SO. DAMN. GORGEOUS. When the crowd wouldn't stop hooting for him, he said, "settle down cowboys", which made us clap even louder. He made some speech about Jennifer being good to the gays, etc...she walked up to get her award in what looked like a tea cozy...fabulous legs though. She and Jake had an awkward joke about reconsidering their "friendship" since he is so hot. Yawn. I just wanted him to take his shirt off and dance for us.

The dinner...

· Ms. Lance Bass stayed long enough for me to watch a gay literally toss himself at Lance to ask for a kiss and a date. Lance obliged with an awkward "sure" while the gay hugged him then walked away.
· Same gay tossed himself at Michael Urie (Vanessa William's assistant on Ugly Better). Have to admit that if I had been a little more sauced I might have tossed myself at him too.
· Balthazar Getty stayed for dinner and lugged out his 80lb gift bag...the man is very good looking in person but was no doubt disappointed with the gifts inside. No need to report a free bag of Starbucks to the IRS.
· Sara Ramirez posed for lots of pictures and looked like she wanted to say "...okay, gays...im done now, and no, I cannot set you up with McSteamy."
· I stepped on Patricia Wettig's shoes as I walked past her to my table...she is quite pretty and didn't look at all pissed
· Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O'Connell are one hot couple...and about 100 ft tall...they chatted nicely with the gays and then left after dinner

The place was packed and security was tight but it was worth it. I saw several Oscars floating around the party.

Leonardo DiCaprio made the rounds with Bar in tow. He donned his usual ball cap. He's a really gracious person. He recognized us and said hello. Just a brief encounter.

Martin Scorsese made a quick appearance.

Djimon Hounsou as sprawled out on a chair drinking a beer, meeting a girl.

Live action short film Oscar winner Ari Sandel celebrating the night away. I got to hold his Oscar (they really are heavy) while he was congratulated by Vince Vaughn. Ari directed Vince's comedy show documentary. Vince posed for photos with our group. He arrived at the party in the wee morning hours and stayed for a few hours. He spent most of the time chain smoking and talking to a buddy. He seemed to practically avoid women at the party.

I found my self sandwiched between Jamie Foxx and Forest Whitaker. I congratulated Mr. Whitaker and as humble as usual he turns my attention back to Foxx. Jamie introduced himself and we chatted briefly about Texas as we're both from the same area. Foxx was definitely on the prowl. He tried to chat up my Paris Hilton-look-alike friend but she was having none of that.

As we make our way back to the shuttles we saw Forest again. His crew was loaded into a shuttle with Carmen Electra and friend.

The rag mags' favorite party crew was there too: Nicole Richie lounging and snuggling with her boy (Joel right?). She was drinking and having a good time. She even chowed down a plate from the buffet with Mischa Barton. Paris Hilton was looking very out of it, talking on her cell. We talked to her a bit. (One of the girls in our group looks like her twin.) Later saw her arguing with Stavros. He looked like he was "over" her. He kept trying to walk away and she kept pulling him in. There was an obvious disagreement. It ended with Paris running into the bathroom. Nicky Hilton was around too. She was hanging with some guy, looked like a boyfriend.

Lindsay Lohan was looking sober and chatting to a male friend. She wasn't the crazy party girl I've read about.

Other sightings ...

Jessica Biel still in her Oscar attire. No sign of Justin in sight.
Kirsten Dunst looking a bit out of it.
Reggie Miller looking - well — tall.
Cameron Diaz. I didn't see her talk to anyone significant.
Rosario Dawson in a long white coat.
Amy Smart
Naomi Campbell was there. She looked amazing, as a model should. Hung out with some girlfriends. Didn't seem to be with a guy.
Stacy Keibler and boyfriend. They danced the night away. She was *super* social. Seemed to talk to everyone.
X men guy ... James Marsden partied to the wee hours. He's single and was lookin'.
Adam Brody looking dapper in a 3-piece suit.
Scott Speedman (I noticed him because I just think he so cute. No one in my group knew who he was.)

People that made me think hmmm ...

Dog the Bounty Hunter was there.
Courtney Love (she looks like she looks in every picture I've seen of her. A mess. Her boobs were falling out of her dress - no surprise there.)

The music world represented ... besides Courtney:

James Blunt and girlfriend (what's her name? She was stunning looking.)
Jon Bon Jovi - he was very nice.
Kid Rock - I don't know who he is with but that woman had some BIG teased-out hair. They kept to themselves.
Danced to the tunes of DJ AM but no signs of Mandy Moore. If she was there I didn't notice. (By the way, he's dance mix lived up to the hype.)

• Complete Oscars Coverage [Defamer]

somehow i got invited to go to the SBE oscar party at the abbey last night, "hosted" by jennifer love hewitt. anyway, j.love was in a cordoned off section of the tent, and her "handler" (unfashionable overweight woman with a clipboard) made sure the plebes did not approach her. literally the second they announced best picture, she was ushered out of the event - her entourage surrounded her and she held her head down and put her hand over her face in a "don't look at me in the eyes"-type gesture to the 1000+ black-tie attendees who paid a shitload of money to go to the event (which raised money for APLA).

even though all the other "luminaries" (lance bass and joe francis, for example) meandered into the bar portion of the abbey after the oscars and mingled until 2am, j.love disappeared the moment her obligation was over. it really says something when JOE FRANCIS outclasses jennifer love hewitt. maybe she had another event to go to, maybe she was sick, whatever — everyone noticed how bizarre it was. also, quite bizarre to see women throw themselves at joe francis... in a gay bar. other than j.love, just the usual famous-for-weho crowd, the jai rodriguezes and lance basses of the world, the gays who aren't famous enough to get into the elton john party. no reichen in sight.

Frankly, we have no idea what could have gotten into Love Hewitt, who once doled out mashed potatoes with a smile at the L.A. Mission without the need for any unfashionably overweight, clipboard-wielding handlers. Perhaps her sunny and charitable disposition had been steadily eroded by the monstrously overlong telecast; alternately, the evening might have gotten off to the wrong start when, as she was being escorted towards her VVIP section, a tipsy Francis leaned over to the admirably beracked actress and generously offered to build an entire DVD around her physical attributes, "You know—once they cancel the ghost-talking thing and you want to pick up an easy paycheck between gigs."

· Keith Urban takes a long, deep whiff of wife Nicole Kidman, whose juniper berry shampoo is the next best thing to an actual gin and tonic. [People]
· Velvet mafioso Don David Geffen and Mr. Diane von Furstenberg Barry Diller do their part to make Jack Nicholson feel comfortable with his new look, though Geffen has trouble hiding the crushing disappointment of having his 25-year passion project lose to a heroin-snorting grandpa and a lesbian folk song. [VF]

· The packed InStyle/Warner Bros. bash had waits of up to an hour-and-a-half for second-tier guests like Grey's Anatomy's Sara Ramirez and the cast of Heroes, but "Paris Hilton, Ivanka Trump and her brother Donald Trump Jr. were lucky enough to be ushered through the pulsing line," just one of the perks of being a reality TV heirtard. [AP]
· At the HBO party, "a woman with apparent breakdancing aspirations wound up with her skirt over her head and flashbulbs popping; moments later, another gentleman fell headfirst down 10 stairs and loudly knocked over two metal sculptures — breaking one in half." We're just happy to hear Annette and Warren were having a good time. [MTV.com]
· Enjoy this exhaustive slideshow of party attendees, where you can get a better look at the diamond-encrusted sand crab that wandered into Hilary Swank's hair, which you could have sworn started talking to you after that 7th vodka tonic. [Sky.com]
· So you can recreate the experience of consuming the same appetizers and cocktails that famous people pounded, here's the recipes for the Coconut Fried Shrimp served at the InStyle/ Warner Bros. party and the La Poire Golden-Green Martini served at the eco-friendly E! party. Bon appetit! [NY Daily News]

During this holiday season, Defamer is committed to giving a voice to readers wishing to blow the whistle on the mirth-killing party practices of their employers, whose exclusionary invitation policies, Scroogey alcohol-consumption-throttling mechanisms, or other generalized Grinchery threaten to make staffers forget what end-of-year events are all about: getting drunk enough to forget the pain of the past 12 months (and, hopefully, to have an ill-advised, spiked-eggnog-fueled tryst with a co-worker in a darkened hallway). An anonymous AMPAS worker files this report about the Academy's upcoming Christmas bash:

First let me say, I wish I could use my real name but I have to pay my rent.

Here's the down low on the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences Christmas Party. The whole point of any work-related party is to mix and mingle with people you work with but don't know or see very often. Also to hopefully let all employees know they are appreciated.

The story begins with last Christmas, when "the mgmt" decided that not all were welcome at our annual holiday fiesta. Yes, it's true. They decided to only invite full time employees. Despite the fact that many of our part time employees had worked for us for many years and several "new" full time employees had been there for a few months, part-timers were excluded.

So, invitations were sent to the "chosen ones" for the Christmas party. Many complained but mgmt didn't listen and continued the policy through out the year. (There are three annual parties for the Staff, a we-all-survived-the-show party in April at the Pickford Center, a barbeque at the Fairbanks Center in August and the Christmas party traditionally held in the Goldwyn lobby.) So, at the Pickford Party part-time employees working in the building were not invited to a party taking place "for employees" in their own lobby. Same for the other two. Such Class.

The "official" claim was we had gotten so big there wasn't enough room in the Goldwyn lobby for all of us. (Complete lies of course, because I've seen twice the number of current employees packed into the Goldwyn lobby for a reception before an Academy event. Also, the party is always held at the latest possible date to keep the numbers low. Cheap bastards.) Despite the fact that according to an LA Times article, we are sitting on a $140 million, and could easily afford to rent somewhere with enough room for all employees, they proceeded with the plan.

Also, despite the non-cash flow problem, they continue to give out $100 or $200 bucks as a Christmas bonus to the "chosen ones." It's the same dollar amount they've given out for the past several years. It never goes up.

The best part is the food at the Christmas party is gourmet and there is an open bar. Aside from the tiny "bonuses" they give out discarded, left over merchandise from the show, usually something with the ABC logo all over it, and other assorted crap they clear out of storage.Then employees who have slaved away for 10, 15 or even 20 years are given 'honorable mention' by the executive director and given what looks like a tiny gold pin (size of a dime?) with AMPAS and the number of years. No shit. Thanks for your loyalty folks. Happy-sucking-crapass-cheapass-Holidays from the Academy!

• Previously: Defamer Party Report: The Paramount Holiday Party [Defamer]

I'm proud to say I scored a victory for CBSers everywhere by crashing the Paramount Christmas Party last night. With my blue wrist band and three drink tickets, I toasted all those who were denied the chance to eat free Pink's chili dogs and ice skate on a rink the size of my living room. All I did was cover most of badge with my hand, so the girl handing out the bracelets couldn't see my CBS affiliation. Victory!

Actually there wasn't much to report. I missed the actual tree lighting, so I don't know whether Bono made it, but I did see the fireworks display, which scared the shit out of me. Seriously, most people didn't see what I saw - the fireworks were launched from the top of the Bludhorn building and the sparks showered down the side of the building. I fully expected the whole place to go up in flames.

The actual party was divided between Stages 5 and 6, and employees were forced to walk down a narrow street that had been converted into a "Winter Wonderland," complete with blaring holiday music and fake snow showering from the building tops. At first I thought the "snow" might have been the incinerated ashes of former assistants, but it turned out to be real. Still... it could have been their frozen tears.

The food was good, and Brad Grey stocked the party with tons of carnival games. There was even an indoor Ferris Wheel. But the best part was the Diwali themed dance party in Stage 6. Several sari-clad dancers were posted around an enormous disco floor with spotlights and laser beams. Definitely gave the place a clubby, here's-my-chance-to-hook-up-with-the-hot-intern kind of vibe. When I left, a few dozen Paramounters (or 'Mounties as we call them) were getting their sweaty grind on to smooth beats of Justin Timberlake. I just hope Dreamgirls opens big and covers the cost of this debauchery.

Another report:

The wristbands were silly. No one ever looked at mine. People brought their kindergartners, who almost certainly don't work here.

The festivities (well, "festivities") kicked off with BG's self-congratulatory speech about how totally rad his studio is. Suck-ups and/or plants scattered among the audience cheered now and then - "Paramount International? It's a dream come true!!!"

Then Rob Moore came up to the mike and adjusted it up from the official BG-sanctioned midget setting, and he and Gail Berman introduced the treelighters: fireworks! Trees, all lit up!

The white carpet, as expected, was fucking retarded. Not only were people packed in like Bono was really going to show (a rumor I hadn't heard, and if he did, it was after we left), but the overhead snow machines distracted us with their soap flakes, and no one looked down long enough to notice. Awesome.

The party involved an indoor ice skating rink, a ferris wheel, and some kind of Indian-themed dance area where you could eat curry and watch white men boogie down awkwardly. (So my idea of a good time.)

Thanks for the party, I guess, but it was pretty ostentatious. Just a little. With the, you know, ferris wheel. There are people who can't eat in Los Angeles blah blah blah. Who knows, though. Maybe they're planning on slicing up the white carpet and handing it out to deserving homeless dudes? Merry Christmas, guys. Have some dirty carpet.

And finally:

Some more tips from the incredibly "exclusive" Paramount Christmas party! I couldn't believe I actually heard Brad Grey say these words at the tree lighting..."We have turned this studio around...We are doing GREAT movies like "NACHO LIBRE..."—- to which some of us there snickered uncontrollably, and he must have heard himself say this and went on..."which I thought was hilarious; and Babel; World Trade Center..." Anyway, it was hysterical to most of us...he said it as though he had produced "Gone with the Wind"!..AND FYI "Nacho Libre" was a Sherry Lansing Paramount project....scary that's his idea of a GREAT film! Then he had the gall to imply that they are NOW involved in charities like AIDS/WALK...FYI Earl Lestz was the FIRST person to back an AIDS/WALK with Paramount BEFORE ANYBODY in Hollywood, let alone Americ,a would even touch that charity event.... The party was not only ONLY for Paramount employees, excluding vendors, CBS, ET, and others who have been on the lot for years, BUT employees were forbidden to bring ANY GUESTS...not family members who have been allowed years before, where you actually meet OTHER people's families, instead of spending ANOTHER few hours with people you see everyday...Oh, they did have a FAMILY holiday party last Sunday — for 10-14 bucks each...CLASSY GUYS.

OH-and by the way, they had security with flashlights check every TEN FRIGGIN' FEET to see your WRISTBAND!!! All that just for a free In-and-out burger!! Whatever! Paramount is becoming the TACKIEST film studio in Hollywood history — just my humble opinion!! (along with everyone else I know who works there!!)

• Previously: Paramount Holiday Party Update: Booze Tickets, White Carpets, And U2 Cameos [Defamer]

We begin our report about last night's Snakes on a Plane premiere at the Chinese Theatre, held back by New Line until the very last possible minute to prevent critics from having uncharitable opinions about a movie whose pre-release hype became so overwhelming that the mere mention of the title could induce grand mal seizures in anyone in possession of a valid press credential, with a disclaimer: After almost exactly a year of writing about this movie and its unstoppable march across the internets, our weariness of various combinations of the words "motherfucking," "snakes," and "plane" may have lowered our expectations to an absurdly low point. All we wanted from the 'Lil Airborne Reptilian Infestation Movie That Could was for at least one guy to have his genitals fanged-up while in the process of bodily waste elimination, and God bless their pandering little hearts, they delivered the mandatory junk-chomping scene with cynical aplomb. Once that lone condition was satisfied, we were more than happy to laugh at lines of dialogue both intentionally and accidentally hilarious, hurl ourselves forward in our seat with delight when the areola on a bare, surgically enhanced breast became a targeting mechanism for a mamba strike, and generally stop giving a shit about how someone might smuggle several hundred angry predators aboard a red-eye even with the aid of the most corrupt of airport security regimes. Motherfucking snakes were on the motherfucking plane (see how easy it is to fall back into it?), they were biting everything in sight, and that was enough for us, as we are constitutionally incapable of not enjoying a well-executed fake-titty attack. Call us easy to please or New Line Kool-Aid chuggers, but we can't see any reason why anyone who would be interested in the film based on the title alone shouldn't get a little drunk and watch Samuel L. Jackson shout expletives while he carries out his snake-elimination duties. That's all we can muster by way of a review.

Part The Second: After-Parties On A Rooftop [after the jump]

The after-party, as you might expect, was done up in an airport theme. Upon reaching the roof of the ArcLight parking structure where it was held, guests marched through a metal-detector and X-ray machine gauntlet just as unattended as the ones in the world of the film must have been, making it easy for one of the party's "passengers" to sneak in any Samsonite set jammed full of death-adders, shampoo-bomb, or low-grade nuclear device intended to reduce the world's population of free booze drinkers by three hundred or so. Servers of both sexes dressed in retro flight attendant gear either pushed around airline-style carts full of candy or gyrated atop platforms as go-go dancers. Boxed meals, possibly purloined from a poorly secured supply shed at LAX, were served. The aforementioned free booze, as it must, flowed. And in perhaps the event's most eerily airport-accurate touch, t-shirts upon which various SoaP-themed decals were ironed-to-order were handed out from behind replica ticket counters, causing interminably long waits and feelings of "we're all gonna die before we ever get to the front of this line" dread perfectly simulating those encountered by anyone who has ever needed a boarding pass printed by a human being. The New Line party planners were nothing if not psychotically dedicated to air-travel verisimilitude.

Among the celebrities we managed to see during the few moments we weren't standing on line were star Kenan Thompson (accompanied by a very hot, very gaudily bosomed date in a porn-appropriate evening gown), biggest-deal-within-two-square-miles Chris Rock, Kelly Osbourne, cast members Bobby Cannavale and Lin Shaye, various cast members whose names we can't recall without cheating on IMDb, and two guys from The Office (the one that Steve Carrell is secretly gay for and the one that Pam shouldn't be marrying). Rumors of Samuel L. Jackson's presence at the event were rampant, but we didn't personally lay eyes on him. We imagine he was quite busy politely pretending that each variation on his "motherfucking snakes" line was the first he'd heard. He seems like that kind of guy.

As we were headed to our car, we stumbled upon a clearly confused Rock and his date in the act of pretending they knew where they'd parked. After several seconds of spinning around and craning their necks in a search for the vehicle they'd left on a lower level, they passed us on the way down the stairs, and a Legitimate Journalist friend of ours asked Rock what he'd thought of the movie. "It was incredible," he said, noticing the reporter's pad and not breaking stride, "better than The Godfather." Because we must bring this full-circle: Dude, Snakes on a Motherfucking Mobster.

[Photo: Getty Images]

• Seemingly Endless 'Snakes on a Plane' Coverage [Defamer]

It was me and about 1,000 of Hollywood's finest D-bags at the Miami Vice premiere last night.

Some observations:

—The roughly 25% of the audience bedecked in their coolest 1980s white suits, neon shirts, fedoras and chest hair all hoping to savor somethrowback action South Florida buddy-cop action. The letdown was intense when it was clear after about 1 hour and 58 minutes into the two hour flick that this was a serious (and seriously depressing) Colombian-Haitian-Feds vs. local cops—border/culture-bending lovemaking-graphically violent effort of auteur filmmaking, and not a Starksy and Hutchesque joke-a-minute-when-we're-not-banging- Miami-Beach-club- skanks-and-playfully-arresting-pimps-and cigar rollers-kind of movie.
Not one piece of stray neon, hair product or goofy Don-Johnson replica smile made it into the movie.

—Eager fauxtuer Brett Ratner standing by the sink in the men's room waiting for his +1 to finish up at the urinal. The +1 was old and stooped and a guy, but it wasnt Robert [Evans.]

— Batshit-crazy Michelle Rodriguez looking extremely hot heading for the men's room before realizing the line of 10 dudes out the door meant it was probably the wrong place for her. She was probably hammered.

— Shaq standing tall and looking sharp. To any person of color who greeted him, a hearty fist bump, smile and quasi hug/chest bump in the finest hip-hop fashion.
To any douchebag white hollywood type attempting to connect on the "I feel you man, I'm a baller too, on weekends at Spectrum or SportsClubLA AND I watch the conference finals on my 95" flat screen AND know how it feels when you're grinding it out on the court because I watch you at Staples: No smile; no hug; no chest bump. But a quick flick of the eyes and a halfhearted fist bump (points to Shaq for not completely ignoring them with the luxury afforded to anyone who's 7-feet tall).

—Emmanuelle Chriqui from Entourage....smoking hot.

—After-party was on the uneven surface of a neighboring parking lot in Westwood (always seemed like you were walking up or down an asphalt slope). "Party under the stars"="Party in a parking lot next to Dede Reese in Westwood Village". Plenty of food and drink (Mojitos for everyone!). Only major misstep were the dozen or so dancers who were dressed in shimmering metallic miniskirts and tops and goofy looking masks. They were a cross between the Gimp in Pulp Fiction and Catwoman if she was white and wearing silver.

Other sightings: Josh Duhamel, Colin Farrell ducking into the after-party, Jamie Foxx holding court at the party and a few others who I'm sure will be dutifully reported by other secret correspondents.

Girl: Do you work at MTV? Johnny Hollywood: No, but I used to. Girl: So what do you do now? JH: Well, actually...stall...stall...wait for it...stall...now I'm an independent manager of writers and directors. Girl: Oh......cool. So you must know some people. JH: Well, I wouldn't really say I know a lot of people, but I get it done.

Full versions of the redundant party-reporting goodness follow after the jump:

So the ostensible "perks" of my job saw me gracing the Stone Rose opening party at the newly painted Sofitel Hotel last night. Luckily about 500 of my closest friends also attended. Who knows how well Rande Gerber's newest lounge/club/douchebag breeding pond will do inside the Sofitel, which has a "Q" score hovering near the negative numbers. But not for me to judge. I can, however, judge the C/D/F-list crowd that basically crossed all clearly delineated LA social lines last night. —Rande and Cindy (who is very tall and very hot) were cuddling in the center of the bar all night, being harassed now and then but generally left alone. Despite rumors that the two have an "arrangement"—I mean the dude is a fucking nightclub owner!!!!—they seemed legit. —Escaped to the terrace and ran smack into the ominpresent D-lister Lance Bass engaged in deep conversation with previously-extorted-but-now-exonerated-by-the-sweet-scales-of-lady-justice Joe Francis who spent a lot of the subsequent time at the party running around the outdoor space frantically searching the crowd. Always fun to watch the trashy hoors do the double-take when they recognize him. —Omarosa (the Patrick Ewing double) from the Apprentice also on the patio holding court with whomever was interested...Sadly, more than a few were interested.

—Allison Janney looking like a soccer mom. She was way out of place among the Persian Mafia, Hollywood Club Rats, waves of painfully dressed Flackettes from every agency in town, coked out models, coked out run-of-the-mill tramps, coked-out sluts, and tons of Johnny Hollywoods.

Sample of (actual) overheard conversation:

Girl: Do you work at MTV?
Johnny Hollywood: No, but I used to.
Girl: So what do you do now?
JH: Well, actually...stall...stall...wait for it...stall...now I'm an independent manager of writers and directors.
Girl: Oh......cool. So you must know some people.
JH: Well, I wouldn't really say I know a lot of people, but I get it done.

On the plus side. Tons of free shellfish, sushi and great desserts (cupcakes, crackerjacks, rice krispy treats). Also open bar.

But, the biggest douchebag at the whole thing, of course, was ME! Simply because I went and then had to wait 25 minutes for my car at the valet.

The end.

And our second report, which we promise was authored by a high-level Defamer operative despite the misleading use of CELEBRITY CAPS:

Snuck into the SOFITEL hotel and STONE ROSE bar opening party last night and into a magical world of free Scotch, breaded meatballs, and B-, C-, and D-list celebrities. Arrived to see LANCE BASS (extra bug-eyed, it's getting worse as he ages) waiting in the lobby for people to notice him. It worked, chicks all over him. Out back, Harold (JOHN CHO is it?) with more hot girls and Jessica Simpson's assistant (CEE-CEE?) standing near the dessert bar (3 flavors of rice krispie treats!)

Also, KATO KAELIN standing next to OMAROSA, but I don't think they talked. At the VIP bar the skeletal remains of ALLISON JANNEY actually looked do-able (remember when she was the homophobic neighbor's dumpy wife in American Beauty? That was like 7 years ago and she looks way better NOW) lounging near SAMMY HAGAR—sorry, just some porn star who looked like SAMMY HAGAR taking freak-train photos with four girls with huge plastic boobs. Inside sitting behind a security dude was RACHEL BILSON ADAM BRODY she looked bored and his nonjewfro is getting big again. Quote of the night from a 300lb guy in a Hawaiian shirt: "Nice red jacket and plaid pants, douchebag...and ICM sucks!" Rest of the night's a bit blurry but I could've sworn i saw VIN DIESEL in a beret as we were leaving (no ducks). and CINDY CRAWFORD taking off in a Bentley with that bartender she dates. She looked perhaps the hottest of all, which is amazing since i checked IMDb and she's 57 yrs old.

• Defamer Party Report: Superflush [Defamer]

I just got in from the after-after-party for the Superman premiere at a house on Coldwater Canyon in Beverly Hills. The best part of the entire night is that it was this fancy mansion, all the stars, even Superman (who likes to eat chocolate eclairs, btw), and they had these signs with the Superman logo directing people to the bathrooms. And when you went into the bathroom, there was this sign— I guess Warner Bros. couldn't spring for the owner to get the plumbing fixed at the house ahead of time. Hollywood is so classy.

In defense of the hosts, it's probably better to post some embarrassing signs than have to ask the guest of honor to use his super-powers to save hundreds of guests from an evil tidal wave unleashed by some villain who's too drunk to figure out how to use the toilet.

We at Defamer realize that there are many outlets where one can view clear, paparazzi-quality video of hotel heiresses demonstrating their ability to drive an SUV towards or away from a nightclub or promotional event. But we know that something magical happens when one of our readers takes the trouble to send us blurry, cameraphone footage of such a momentous event, and so we share this shaky video of Paris Hilton driving away from last night's T-Mobile Sidekick 3 party at the Palladium, in which she manages not to commit vehicular manslaughter or consume illegal drugs for at least 14 seconds. Please note in your diaries exactly where you were when you watched this clip, because we have a feeling you're going to want to remember it for the rest of your lives.

If you further desire to know some of the famous people we'd have lost had the Palladium been struck by a B-list-seeking missile last night, a short reader report follows after the jump.

Went to the Sidekick party last night at the Palladium. All the usuals were there. Paris was gross as always, as were the Duff sisters, who make me sick. Saw Nicole Richie glaring like a well-scripted reality star at Paris right before Paris made a break for the door. Heard Mike Tyson was there but didn't see him. would have loved to see him bite Paris' ear off.

And as a special bonus for anyone who's read this far, enjoy this WORLD! EXCLUSIVE! photograph of Hilton being videotaped by the paparazzi:

Here are the things i love about E3 time in LA; 1) mega events with free booze, 2) something else to talk about besides Anthony Pellicano or Tom Cruise and 3) watching pasty gamers trying to act nonchalant around celebutantes.

Went to the Xbox party at the Amanda Demme-less Tropicana last night, where the celeb sightings were slim, yet still entertaining. Danny Masterson aka DJ Donkeypizzle aka mr. i love the donkey punch was spinning with his hellcat gf Bijou Phillips convulsing or maybe dancing at the DJ booth. Paris Hilton slobbering over new bf Matt Leinert and a slew of TV stars on the decline- Michael Vartan, Matthew Perry, Ashley Parker Angel, Bryan Greenberg (Unscripted), and the son from 7th Heaven.

But the best was the "entertainment" at this Xbox party. They had floating mattresses in the pool and then throughout the night nearly naked hired dancers were writhing and performing strange acrobatics on and/or around the mattresses in the pool. If Paris Hilton didnt do it for the gamers, this certainly did. hotttttttttttttttttt. i stuck to Texas Hold 'Em on at the game consoles.

My new lady friend took me with her to Paris Hilton's house on Monday night for Stavros's glorious 21st birthday party. Well the liquor was flowing freely, I overheard Nicky say (about Courtney Love), "She's here... don't let her in, she's wasted." Of course, she was let in. Andy Milonakis was there, but HERE is the icing on the cake.

Sometime after 1am Paris and Stavros were dancing together on Paris's stripper pole when THE FUCKING POLE RIPPED OUT OF THE CEILING AND THEY FELL ON THE FLOOR. What I would have done to have caught it on my camera phone, someone must have caught it.

By the way, every room in the house has some HUGE painting of Paris, (or multiple paintings), in it? Bizarre.

It would be easy to dismiss the pole-collapse as just another example of typical Hilton coked-up-to-the-tiara antics, but this time we're going to give her the benefit of the doubt. Let's instead credit hostess Paris with having the foresight to intentionally take the apparatus out of commission, sparing her guests the otherwise inevitable sight of Courtney Love suspended upside down from the pole, a buzz-killing harbinger of what any of their lives might look like in twenty years.

• Defamer Party Report: Mischa Barton's Poseidon Adventure [Defamer]

OK here it is people - the email that you all have been waiting so patiently for - and some, not so patiently (you know who you are!!) This is the recap of my Night with the Stars - Hollywood's most prestigious party - The Vanity Fair Post-Oscar Party - the night that I get to put on my best dress, drink champagne, and rub elbows with celebrities - actually it was more like a sailor uniform that I had to wear and I pretty much was bumping into the elbows of celebrities while I was trying to "serve" them champagne... But on with it..

Jennifer Aniston was one of the first to arrive, sans Vince Vaughn - I think she's just as beautiful off screen as she is on. Her short little gay friend made me offer her a tuna tartar because he said she was "stah-ving" but she refused. Looking back at her 2 minutes later, I see her wolfing down 2 slices of pizza... Go figure...

Dolly Parton strutted in solo with a big smile on her face winking at passersby - she must not have been paying too much attention to her surroundings because she walked directly into the kitchen where security had to stop her and show her the way to the party

Someone decided to smoke pot in the main area of the party - we determined that it was probably Mick Jagger and his rock-star crew but it turned out to be some 80-year-old lady!

Reese Witherspoon is so damn cute - I actually caught her sticking her tongue out at her husband - another cutie, Ryan Philippe, who returned the gesture

I was involved in about a 5 minute debate with Scott Cann about whether the brownies that I was serving were "special" or not

Sienna Miller - miss MOD herself - came up to me while I was carrying my mini burgers and asked me with a serious but polite British tone if the burgers were from "McDaw-noods"

Larry King, Barbara Walters, Joan Collins and John Mellencamp - not aging very well

Michelle Williams, of Brokeback Mountain fame, brought to the party not only her hubby Heath Ledger (gorgeous!) but another fellow Dawson's Creek actress- the girl that played Audrey (Joie's roommate in college) - who looked completely uncomfortable and out of place - After all, does anyone even know that girl's real name?

We caught John Stewart leaving out the back entrance with 3 girls that looked maybe 17.

Terry Hatcher and an unidentified graying man were involved in an intense conversation in the corner of the party for most of the night.

Keith Urban - too many highlights - may need to "tone" it down some (HAHA)

He and his girlfriend, fianc , record sales booster, or whatever she may be, Nicole Kidman, were spotted dashing out the back entrance holding hands around 11:30pm, with Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston using the same getaway scheme around midnight

Serena & Venus Williams - tall, not very attractive and kept pushing around their hair a lot

Much shorter than I expected - DJ AM
Much prettier than I expected - Uma Thurman
Much cuter than I expected - Guy Richie
Much tanner than I expected - George Hamilton
Much scarier than I expected - Tim Burton & Helena Bonham Carter
Much more booty than I expected - Madonna

The Director of "March of the Penguins" was carrying around a stuffed version of a penguin the whole night - I almost asked him if they wanted some tuna tartar but figured I might laugh

I got yelled at by Pam Morton, owner of the restaurant, for standing around too much and not approaching people

I got yelled at by some photographer for 'stargazing'

I got yelled at by one of the managers for eating an In-and-Out Burger

Sandra Bullock, Jesse James and Keanu Reeves - together ALL night

Suzanne Somers looks like an old, botoxed version of Nicole Richie

Eve, Mary J Blige and Russell Simmons wife were all BFF

I overheard someone tell Vince Vaughn that his trailer was magnificent, "a work of art" - I wonder if they were talking about Anchorman, Dodgeball or Zoolander...

I envisioned shoving an entire pizza down the throat of Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie - My god - I almost could see through them!

I have good news for you ladies - Yes, Jake Gillenhall came alone

I have some unsurprising news for you ladies, Yes, Al Roker came alone

Mickey Rourke was walking around completely wasted - at one point I think he was talking to himself

Hilary Swank looked incredible - she looked really young too

Ali G was there with his fianc - the sister from 'Wedding Crashers' - someone had to tell me who he was - I didn't recognize him out of character

Other couples sighted: Heidi Klum & Seal, Adam Brody & Rachel Bilson, Jewel & her husband, some guy in a cowboy hat, Selma Blair & Ahmet Zappa, Jennifer Lopez & Mark Anthony, Christine Taylor & Ben Stiller, Jessica Alba & Cash Warren

Madonna, looked a little bored throughout the night - kept looking around to see what else was going on - a lot shorter than I expected too

Russell Simmons and his wife were witnessed in an all-out screaming match with one another

John Travolta's hair was absolutely horrendous - I seriously think it might have been painted on

DJ AM and Nicole Richie were holding hands - guess that's back on

[Names redacted] became BFF with the NYPD Officers who flew out to work the party - we chatted it up with them about important law enforcement issues such as the accuracy of Sex and the City, celebrity relationships and then made them steal us 3 Double Doubles and 3 Diet Cokes from the In-and-Out Truck - - now, that's what I call a hero

Other memorable celebs: Megan Mulally, Cuba Gooding Jr, John Voight, Donatella Versace, Adrien Brody, Willem DaFoe, Ludacris, Stephen Dorff, Samuel Jackson, Naomi Watts, Chris Tucker, Dave Chapelle, Matt Dillon, Jamie Foxx, Kate Bosworth, Jennifer Esposito, Mischa Barton, Helena Christiansen, James Franco, Josh Groban, Quentin Tarantino, George Lucas, Bill Mahr, Molly Sims, and Larry David

That's all I can think of for now - This year was a bit different from previous years for 2 reasons - number 1, they actually cut the guest list by 500 people, so it was a lot more calm and relaxed, and number 2, I actually consumed much more alcohol at the party than I have in any of the previous years, so if my observations seem a bit dull, it is probably because from about 11:30pm - 1am, the night became a little blurry - but I hope you enjoyed the email and I look forward to sharing My Fifth Installment with you all next year...

• Previously: Vanity Fair's $2 Million Orgy [Defamer]

Ok, so here we are (my girlfriends and I) unable to get into a party (we're actresses) so we head to Dan Tana's where, much to our annoyance there was a private party going on, so the good tables were reserved, and they hadn't invited us.

Anywho, its late, so we are finishing dinner, lingering over our drinks, in the dumps about not being able to get into any good parties, hell any parties, and in walks George Clooney, with several other people a couple of men, one of them Grant his writing partner, a pretty blond, and a couple of other people we didn't recognize. He is greeted by a big hung and kiss from the private party goers that include, surprise, surprise, the porn actress Krista Allen, and the party commences. We couldn't see anything, but it sounded like a good time was had by all. An hour or so later, Krista Allen leaves with George Clooney, he is clutching the Oscar with one hand, and her with the other. Man were we jealous. There I said it.

So, this is what I am confused about. George Clooney has endlessly droned on about he is not dating anyone, apparently he lied through his teeth. So, why lie? Is it cause she's done porn? If Clooney is such a big old liberal like he drones on and on about, why isn't he comfortable, more public with his porn actress girlfriend?

We're not sure that some harmless early career dalliances with premium cable softcore erotica should earn someone the "porn actress" label forever, but that's neither here nor there. Clooney's Oscar was accompanied by a "Get Out Of Speculation About Your Personal Life Free Card," which doesn't expire until the start of principal photography on Ocean's 13. Until that time, he is inseparable from The Work, and any whispers about with whom he spends his free time are petty and unseemly. At the very least, he retains Black and White Clooney's gravitas through the release of The Good German.

After the jump, The Rolling Stone/Us Weekly report:

I was at the Rolling Stone Us Weekly Oscar Rocks party in the Pacific Design Center from which you could actually see the Elton John party. The party was in the old Wolfgang Puck restaurant upstairs and it was decorated in a really cool manner with lots of pillows on the floor and tents with hookahs outside and lots of open bars and people walking around forcing delicious little pieces of food on you. DJ AM was playing and I was kind of impressed that Paris Hilton showed up until I overheard some guy in the elevator that was working the Elton John party tell his wife that the only commotion of the evening was Paris Hilton showing up with "too many uninvited people." As soon as Paris Hilton showed up (in this weird Cruella DeVille fishtail peacock dress) the people that were working the party had to throw a bunch of people out of a section so that Paris and her entourage (and if Nicky is blonde again, she could have been with her) could have a place to sit. Clearing everyone out of there took about 10 minutes and as soon as the party people left, Paris and her entourage sat down for less than 30 second and then started walking around. I had a really nice spot on a couch in a tent outside so I only ran through the party here and there to go to the bathroom but I saw Carmen Electra looking really cute. Corky Romano...er I mean Chris Kattan was playing pool. I saw Lance Bass and Shannon Elizabeth at one bar and turned the corner to see Joey Fatone at another bar. I was looking over my shoulder to make sure that Chris Kirkpatrick wasn't following me and saw Meadow Soprano. Kyle (all righty) McLachlan was there looking less Blue Velvet and more Trey McDougal... and the guy that plays the psycho kid's dad on Desp erate Housewives, Alyssa Milano, Ludacris (the only person I saw that was even affiliated with a nominated film), and Kathy Griffin being loud but looking pretty good I must admit. I was getting kind of drunk, so maybe that's why I was so amused by seeing the guy that played Arthur on 6 Feet Under that's on The Office dancing a freak-out wedding dance. He was hanging out in the hookah tent later. When I found myself sitting between Ron Jeremy and Constantine Maroulis and staring at a 14 year old with a face full of makeup all dolled up in a white fur coat, I knew the party had jumped the shark and that it was time to go home. This party was loud, fun, rauccus and full of people drinkin hard and dancing harder but I guess it was a little short on the A-list. What do I know? Maybe Reese "prissypants" Witherspoon glided in with her Oscar at some point, but I DOUBT it.

• Defamer Party Report: The Superagent Pre-Parties [Defamer]

[Photo: Getty Images]

• Previously: Sean Young Spends Vanity Fair Party Outrunning Security Guards [Defamer]