This past Saturday, I took a trip to the land where no westsider wants to accidentally wander into late at night, the Industry Hills Expo Center in the City of Industry, to catch roller girls in short skirts duke it out for the L.A. Derby Dolls Present: Fight Crew vs. Sirens game. The Babydoll rally was up first, with derby rookies Double D and Long Island Lolita stumbling through their first game. If Double D's mangled ankle was any indicator of the impending game, we knew we were in for a bloody treat. Then, when veterans like Mila Minute, Killo Kitty, Judy Gloom, Crystal Deth, Scarlett Yohandsoff and Paris Killton took the track, any girlie façade was stomped out by shoving, yelling, and pushing each other off track. The highlight of the night was the shoving match between P.I.T.A and Broadzilla, and penalty-riddled captain Tara Armov getting kicked off the game (too many elbows to her opponents' eyes perhaps?). By the end of the night, their estrogen-fueled rage seemed to have rubbed off on me, as I angrily leered at the annoying 12-year-old who stole our free Derby Dolls seat cushions. The Sirens ended up winning the championship and we left with no seat cushions but new names: From now on, I will be known only as Ima. Ima Killa.

• [L.A. Derby Dolls]
• Previously: The 'Golden Gals Gone Wild' Opening At The World of Wonder Gallery [Defamer]

The freaks, geeks, and random old dudes in drag were out in droves Saturday night at curator Lenora Claire's "Golden Gals Gone Wild" opening night party at the World of Wonder gallery in Hollywood. It was a strange night, where cross dressers mingled with Goths, random hipsters and even the token Hollywood personality. Take leather-and-mesh-clad Kim Fowley, for instance: 70's rock star impresario and creator of The Runaways; Giovanni Ribisi; Elizabeth Daily ("I'm a loner, Dottie, a Rebel"), Mean Girls' Daniel Franzese. The art was just as...shall we say...eclectic, flying in the face of the sanctity that is Sophia Petrillo, with pieces showing her in the glory that is naked old lady flesh. Other works included Gestapo Rose and Betty White Power, Blanche Devereaux in a confederate flag bikini; Dorothy going spreadeagle and showing us the nooks behind her, um, grannies. I bet somewhere, a little town called St. Olaf is collectively gasping...

• Previously: The Reeducation of Dorothy Zbornak [Defamer]

If you're wondering why all the hardware stores in LA were sold out of electrical tape, it's because much of it was stuck to the nipples of the models at the Captivity premiere party last night. That's right, I was lucky enough to be on the list for this little shindig at Privilege, and I was curious if After Dark CEO Courtney Solomon could deliver on his New York Times promise to throw the most outrageous bash ever. So did he? In a word, no. The whole thing gave off a distinctly opening-credits-of-Mindfreak vibe, with plenty of leather and piercing to go around. But it came off as silly and forced, not dark and scary. Consider these ghastly delights:

* One girl was chained to a spinning table while another girl pretended to whip her. Shocking!

* Suicide Girls roamed the party wearing little besides the aforementioned electrical tape. My delicate sensibilities!

* Greased-up Bikini clad ladies wrestled each other. Oh, the horror!

* A "needle play" booth, where some guy stuck pointed quills into the backs of willing victims. Mildly disturbing!

* Dave Navarro wearing a tight tanktop. Okay, that actually was scary.

The best part of the evening was watching all the open-collared agent/producer types try to hit on the Goth chicks. I've never seen so many Bluetooth headsets and leather corsets in one place.

However, the most-asked question of the night: Where were the celebs? The biggest star there was the fat guy from Borat. You know things aren't going well when the Bai Lings and Traci Binghams of the world don't show up to your party. Elisha Cuthbert couldn't even be bothered to attend, and she's the freakin' star of the movie!

But so what if the Captivity party wasn't the Grand Guignol display everyone had hoped for? There was still an open bar and girls with electrical tape on their boobies. I, for one, will take what I can get.

• Previously: 'Captivity': The Predictably Outrageous Premiere Party [Defamer]

Click on any of the thumbnails below to be taken to the gallery.

[Remember: If you want us to send someone to your next event and take some pictures in exchange for access to your open bar, let us know.]

[As always, remember that we're just an e-mail away should you decide you want us to drink your spiked eggnog and photograph your tipsy guests.]

[Remember: If you want us to send someone to your next event and take some pictures in exchange for access to your open bar, let us know.]

Neither the Peach Pit After Dark nor Shooters ever saw dance moves this hot, even in David Silver's prime.

As everyone who has ever walked within 25 feet of a supermarket checkout magazine rack knows by now, Donna Martin is no longer a virgin.

The ladies of the Lingerie Bowl spent much of the evening politely turning down Ian Ziering's invitations for a ride in his bitchin' Corvette (license plate: I8A4RE).

Grant "Jake Hanson" Show proudly displays the bag containing his appearance fee, remitted entirely in small, unmarked bills. Organizers threw in a coupon to The Palm and some scented massage oils, just because.

Unlike many people who've worked for Paramount over the last year, Mike Hanke, Rob Campbell, and Dave Berman are all still employed.

A pregnant Tori Spelling exclusively revealed to us that she plans on naming her baby "Shannen Doherty Is A Total Bitch" if it's a girl. If it's a boy: "My Mother Is A Total BItch." Seems she can really hold a grudge. Also pictured: that dude she married and knocked her up or whatever.

We've already burned our "Ian Ziering tried to get some chicks to ride in his bitchin' Corvette" joke, so we'll just move along without further commentary. (We're also still a little pissed he ruined his relations with Celeste. She was a keeper.)

Trent "Pink is the New Blog" Vanegas will later type the words "Me & My BFF!" onto this photo in huge, fuchsia letters.

Why was Kristen "Veronica Mars" Bell at the event? The next season of her show is dedicated to unraveling the mystery of how Andrew Shue was ever given an acting job.

Brian Austin Green's security detail doesn't look very intimidating, but are trained to strike with deadly force should Luke Perry enter his safety perimeter.

"You fucked up everything, Ari! Not only is this not a DVD release party for the first season of 'Booker,' no one here has any interest in a Richard Grieco impersonator in a cowboy hat for their next event."

We couldn't be happier that Doug Savant's career has taken him from being The Gay Neighbor to The One Who's Married To Felicity Huffman On The Crazy Housewives Show. He was always the classiest one at Melrose Place.

Was Daphne Zuniga's "Jo" character on 'Melrose' secretly a lesbian, or do we have her mixed up with the one from 'Facts of Life'? Anyway, she'll always be Druish princess Vespa to us.

• Defamer PartyWatch [Defamer]

You can view the whole gallery here.

[All photos: Getty Images]

And as always, if you'd like us to send someone to your next event and take a couple of pictures as a pretext for guzzling your free booze, drop us a line.

The girl in the yellow shirt is from Australia, where we hear tight, yellow t-shirts bearing images of the Messiah are red-hot right now. Get yours before every celebutard at Kitson has one.

Would you mind undoing just one more shirt button for me, sweetheart? Daddy's hands are full of drinks.

A brief altercation broke out over who should've been awarded the gold medal in the party's Tightest White T-Shirt With Sharpie Scribbles On It event, but was ultimately settled when it was pointed out to the the gentleman on the right that his garment lacked the qualifying ink-work.

Believe it or not, these two guests are both in the same acting class—a fact which undermined the older man's pick-up line about being a very powerful Hollywood producer with the ability to make her a star. Also: She is not Katie Holmes. We checked.

L.A. Suite durector Marc Webb and a companion who may or may not be famous. We did not check.

This was not one of those occasions where hopping in the pool was considered especially cute, as the wet couple pictured was ejected by the nice men with the initimidating earpieces.

Yes, that really is Tia Carrere, whom you undoubtedly know from Wayne's World and, um...Wayne's World Begins?

Just after this photo was taken, three more blondes rushed into the frame to ensure that the proper blonde-to-brunette ratio was maintained, keeping the party in compliance with city ordinances.

Defamer PartyWatch Tip: Denim-covered male genitalia makes an excellent place to rest either your hands or your cold beer can!

Defamer PartyWatch Tip #2: Unexpectedly place your cold hand on the back of your companion right before a photographer snaps a picture for a split-second of fun!

Brittany Murphy wasn't at the party, but she was encountered on our photographer's trip back to her car, and was given just enough warning of the passing camera to have a publicist stage an impromptu autograph session for our benefit.

[*To invite us to drink your free booze and take pictures of your guests, send an e-mail to tips@defamer.com. It's that easy!]

Project Runway's One Who Should've Been Thrown Off Instead Of The Creepy Pseudo-Euro One laughs loudly to distract Jane Naked Issue star Heidi Klum from the fact that she's clenching the buttocks Runway season two runner-up Santino Rice. Klum, however, catches a glimpse of the ass-grab and shrieks loudly until security arrives.

The first thing that PR firm Rogers & Cowan teaches its recruits during media training is that in party photographs, the viewer's eye is automatically drawn to the publicist who smiles the biggest while simultaneously trying to lean into the middle of the frame.

Event promoter and DJ Franki Chan keeps his hand poised over the record he will scratch to signal the beginning of the evening's first catfight.

Every time these Jane staffers told a guy they work for the magazine, they politely pretended that his insistence that they get "totally naked" to celebrate their special issue was the first time they'd heard that come-on.

We know that your eyes never traveled past the middle of the above photograph, so we're not even going to bother with a caption.

If Topher Grace had known that we're going to post highly erotic photos of him sucking on Ashton Kutcher's toes later today, he'd probably have never agreed to take this picture with our photographer.

Writer Charlie Amter's didn't realize that his finger-gun was jammed with a cigarette, and that when he tried to open fire on our photographer, the hand-shrapnel resulting from the blockage would kill both him and Teen People's Shirley Halperin.

Without swag, a party is nothing more than a bunch of people standing around and drinking free booze. With swag, a party is a bunch of people standing around, drinking free booze, and dangling bags full of crap they don't want from their elbows.

There were at least two dudes at this party who have not appeared on Project Runway.

The rules on this are quite clear: If there is a pool on the premises at a party, someone must demonstrate how "crazy" he is by jumping into it.

Project Runway's Robert Best tries to convince Heidi Klum that designing tiny outfits for Barbie is no different than designing full-size outfits for statuesque Teutonic models.

To the best of our knowledge, Brandon Davis did not insult the pubic hair of any red-headed party guests. He did, however, sweat profusely. One out of two ain't bad.

• CA: Premiere Of HBO´s "Entourage" - After Party [Getty Images]