Gawker: defamer, pap wars

Gerard Butler's Lip-Fattening Pap Attack!

Seth — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 16:47:07 EDT

300 star Gerard Butler was apparently involved in a melee with an overzealous paparazzo—TMZ reports the photographer tailed him "for hours...driving recklessly...[and] almost hitting several pedestrians"—resulting in a police investigation of the Scottish actor. Far more disconcerting, however, is the accompanying photo of the shutterbug's Spartan-inflicted orificial injuries. Our first reaction was "Angelina Jolie face-planting on a gravel road." But the more we stared at his scabby kisser, the more it began to morph into a wide variety of everyday objects. Our photoanalysis after the jump:

1. A Cherry Blossom
This delicious Lowney chocolate treat, familiar primarily to Canadians, evokes the injuries both in shape and oozing red viscous substances.

2. Molls's Vagina Costume
Here we have America's favorite videographer and ToDoLogist dressed up as the most popular character at one of Anaheim's lesser-known attractions, Reproductive Land. Lay her on her side, and it's a dead-ringer for the crusty pout.

3. Rolling Stones Logo
Pretty much self-explanatory, though we could have just as easily gone with a photo of Keith Richards's liver.

4. A Pastrami Sandwich
This delicatessen classic looks a lot like a mutilated paparazzo's mouth, even more so had Butler decided to attack his pursuer with a mustard dispenser.

5. A Funny Face Made Out of Silly Putty
Oh, who really cares about that shmucky pap. Look at the silly face! It stretches! And picks up transfers of For Better or For Worse! Funzies!

Witnesses Say Gerard Was Provoked [TMZ]

Mutant Ninja Turtle Kanye West's Paparazzi Beatdown: The Video

Seth — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 15:15:41 EDT

As fearsome and adorable as a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle (his Gucci knapsack is his shell!), Kanye West showed little mercy today as he and a fellow attack-tortoise went about the business of destroying a variety of photographic equipment at the American Airlines check-in line at LAX. His reptilian vigilantism would ultimately get him arrested, but to us, he's just a hero on the half shell! PIZZZZZZZZA!!! [TMZ]

Kanye West Busily Scribbling Lyrics To 'Gangsta Grad School' Following LAX Arrest

Seth — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 13:37:55 EDT

TMZ is reporting that Most Awesomest Presence in the Universe Kanye West—who just wanted to board his flight (wait, he doesn't have his own jet?) and relax with some electronic Connect Four and freshly baked First Class chocolate chip cookies without being hounded by the vulturous media—has been arrested for felony vandalism at LAX following a dust-up with paparazzi:

West rushed the photog and grabbed his camera. A struggle ensued and the still guy was screaming, "Police, help!" Erik says Kanye then took the still camera and threw it on the ground, breaking it into pieces.

Erik then went over to Kanye, his camera rolling, when Kanye's bodyguard walked up to him, realized Erik was taping, and said, "Give me the camera, give me the camera." Erik responded that he had a press pass and had a right to shoot. The assistant then grabbed the camera, ripped off the mic and viewfinder and smashed it to the ground.

Erik says Kanye then tried to leave to board his plane, but cops stopped him before he got to security. The cops then interviewed Erik, the still photog, Kanye and his assistant..

This is where it gets crazy. The cops asked Erik if he videotaped the incident and Erik said he had. That's when Kanye lunged toward him and said, "Give me the fu***ng videotape." Cops had to restrain Kanye as he tried coming at Erik.

The "videotape is on its way back to our offices" they write; you just know Harvey Levin is like Cindy Lou Hoo on Christmas Eve, pacing the TMZ office and hyperventilating into his sippy cup in breathless anticipation. Developing!

How the Kanye Arrest Went Down [TMZ]

When You're A Pap, You're A Pap All The Way

Seth — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 13:05:00 EDT

100 years from now, history buffs will return to the Paradise Cove beachhead decked in period-appropriate costume, thrilled to recreate that region's legendary battle between the Paps and the Serfs. It was a war that began, like so many others, over the honor of an object of astonishing beauty: In this case, that would be Matthew McConaughey—their flip-flop-misplacing Helen of Troy. The surfing battle wages, having migrated online:

A cyber-rumble has erupted on the Web site of the X17 photo agency, where video of the attack was posted. More than 1,000 angry back-and-forth comments between the lensmen and the surfers have been logged, including one urging paparazzi to "rendezvous next Saturday in the same spot. 50 paps are going to meet u there. Good luck and enjoy the high waves.

A surfer responds, "Bring it on, paps. It will be the end for you on the beach. Saturday is on." [...]
The surfers are mostly white Malibu residents, while many of the paparazzi are immigrants; some speculate that some of the paps are former gang members. But their inside perspective on celebrity culture is priceless: "I'm a pap," writes one. "I've made $94K a year and I'm only four months into it ... because stupid white trash people like your fat mother buy the magazines. We hunt the very people you worship for no reason."

While the surfers appear to have the paps outmatched in sheer brawn and numbers, we'd not count out the triumph of the paparazzo spirit, particularly once their adolescent leader—Austin Visschedyk, Kid Pap—climbs atop atop a sandy embankment to deliver for his comrades a call to arms for the ages: "We shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end of PCH. We shall snap Mischa, we shall snap her cottage cheese legs on the seas and the oceans, we shall capture with growing confidence and growing strength the parking lot scene outside Malibu Country Mart, we shall defend our territory outside Social and Green Door, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the private beaches, we shall fight on the sidewalks outside Les Deux, we shall fight on the Urth Cafe terrace and at Teddy's, we shall fight in the Hollywood Hills; we shall never surrender!"

Matthew McConaughey in surfers-vs.-paparazzi brawl in Malibu [NYDailynews]

Pierce Brosnan's Fists Of Paparazzi-Breaking Steel Could Cost Him In Court

Seth — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 13:50:04 EST

The Great Paparazzi Wars continue with news that a freelance photographer, who alleges he was sucker-punched by Pierce Brosnan after snapping the actor and his son outside a Malibu restaurant in October (see before-and-after pap-pummeling photos here!), is going forward with his lawsuit against the hairy-chestiest Bond since Connery:

Robert Rosen said he was taking photos of Brosnan on Oct. 26 when "suddenly and without warning," the 54-year-old actor struck him in the chest, causing "severe physical and emotional pain and injuries, including bruised ribs."

The lawsuit, filed Monday in Los Angeles Superior Court, claims Rosen wasn't chasing the ex-James Bond and former "Remington Steele" star and didn't invade his privacy. It also claimed the attack was "designed to inflict pain and injury."
The freelance photographer is suing for unspecified general and punitive damages, the cost of medical and psychological treatment, and lost earnings.

A police investigation into the incident led to no formal charges being pressed against Brosnan, which isn't to say he'd be scott-free in the civil suit. All it would take to sway the jury is the testimony of one surprise witness for the prosecution: a soft-spoken valet who'd recall through broken English how the actor politely asked if he could look at Rosen's shots on his camera's display screen, then took full advantage of their proximity by karate-chopping him in the thorax while humming the 007 theme-song, and announcing to his young son, "Remember this day, boy. You just saw your daddy earn his second kill."

Paparazzi Sues Brosnan in Shoving Match [abcnews.go.com]