Earlier: Oprah's Favorite Things 2007: The Audience Freaks Out!

1.) Chris Brown loves women.
He appeared on The Wendy Williams Show today to continue The Remorse Tour '09.

2.) The Unveiling of Charla Nash
Charla—who had her hands and face gruesomely torn off by her friend's pet chimp—was interviewed by Oprah this week. Her eyes were lost in the attack, so she hasn't seen what she looks like.

Also, while I generally love primates, the one who attacked Charla looks like an asshole.

3.) Slade's smiley

4.) Ben Affleck's cameo on Curb Your Enthusiasm
If you blink, you'll miss him.

5.) Tabloid stars collide

On The Insider this week, Jon Gosselin was giving Levi Johnston some "parenting advice." Earlier in the week on the same show, he went into some detail about his responsibility as a parent.

And he also talked shit on Kate's hair and kissing skills.

6.) Speaking of hair…
This kid has been suspended from school for getting an elaborate design shaved into his head. He is not allowed to return unless he shaves the rest of his head. His parents are supporting his "freedom of expression." Judging from the way he speaks, this kid needs a lot more school, and a little less expression.

7.) Men blame everything on our periods!

8.) This:

9.) Stephanie Pratt is growing on me.

10.) "It's important for women to stick together."
Faux-minism is not the answer for tackling double standards, when you don't even know what "double standards" are.

With the contract on Oprah's show running out, and with her fledgling Oprah Winfrey Network struggling to get off the ground, the entertainment world has been speculating wildly about her next move. To most, however, it seemed unthinkable that Oprah could walk away from her ATM machine of a TV show — contemplating the fate of daytime TV minus Oprah is like Cold War strategists trying to imagine a world without the Soviet Union.

The Big O has been developing the Oprah Winfrey Network for some time in partnership with Discovery Communications, but the network has had trouble getting off the ground without the presence of its namesake's own show. Finke reports that Discovery's chief finally demanded that Oprah go all in and bring her show over or give up on the network entirely. If after much vacillation, which reportedly included several canceled phone appointments with Les Moonves to break the news to him, it would be a big change of heart for Oprah to base her empire on her own cable channel rather than a mere syndicated show.

Back in 1998, when Oprah was poised to take over cable as one of the three "founding mothers" of the Oxygen network, she dangled the possibility of her talk show airing on the new cable station:

She also said she intended to provide ''input and ideas'' in the short-term before she is free from other commitments to produce more programming for the channel. Specifically, she said she had never sold rerun rights to the huge library of editions of her daily talk show and, ''This seems like the perfect place to release them.''

A decade later, when Winfrey announced her OWN network in January 2008, she tried to distance herself as much as possible from the disappointing Oxygen: "I was not a participant in the development of the channel... That's why after a couple of board meetings I took myself off the board."

It seems as though various members of Phillips' family are split over the allegations made in Mackenzie's memoir High on Arrival. In a written statement to Oprah, half-sister Bijou said the following:

When I was 13, Mackenzie told me that she had a consensual sexual relationship with our father. This news was confusing and it was also scary, as I lived alone with him since I was three. I didn't know what to believe, and it didn't help that shortly thereafter, it didn't happen. Mackenzie's history with our father is hers, but also clouded with 30 years of drug abuse. I hope she can come to terms with this and find peace. The life I had with my father was very different. He was Mr. Mom. He was encouraging and loving. The man that raised me would never be capable of doing such things, and if he was, it is heartbreaking for me to think that my family would leave me alone with him. I understand Mackenzie's need to come clean with the history that she feels will help others, but it's devastating to have the world watch as we try and mend broken fences, especially when the man in question isn't here to defend himself.

In the clip on the left, Mackenzie responds to Bijou's statement.


Mackenzie's half-brother Tamerlane posted a YouTube video, in which he neither denied nor confirmed the allegations, but instead referred to his family as a "bowl of dog urine" in comparison to his personal guru. He also added a caption to the video that says the following:

i am broke right now if you want to give me money contact my accountant anthony at abonsignore@agsny.com

Two of Mackenzie's former stepmothers, Genevieve Waite (mother of Bijou and Tamerlane), and Michelle Phillips (mother of Chynna), have dismissed the allegations entirely. In a statement to Oprah on Wednesday, Genevieve said:

I am stunned by Mackenzie's terrible allegations about her father. I would often complain about her overly familiar attitudes towards him, and he said it was just her way. John was a good man. … He was incapable, no matter how drunk or drugged he was, to have sexual relations with his own child.

Michelle Phillips has perhaps been the most vocal in her opinion. She admits that John Phillips was a bad father, but refuses to believe Mackenzie's claims of having had a sexual relationship with him. Michelle told the Hollywood Reporter:

Mackenzie has a lot of mental illness. She's had a needle stuck up her arm for 35 years. She was arrested for heroin and coke just recently. She did ‘Celebrity Rehab' and now she writes a book. The whole thing is timed... Mackenzie is jealous of her siblings, who have accomplished a lot and did not become drug addicts.

And in a statement to The Insider she said:

Mackenzie's drug addiction for 35 years has been the result of many unpleasant experiences. Whether her relationship with her father is delusional or not, it is an unfortunate circumstance and very hurtful for our entire family.

In the clip at left, Mackenzie addresses Michelle's recent statements.


But it's not just family members who are responding to Mackenzie's story of incest and rape. Jessica Woods—daughter of the Mamas & the Papas' Denny Doherty—contacted Oprah in a statement, confirming that the allegations are true:

I just watched your show with Mackenzie Phillips. Tears are running down my face. Everything she said is true. My dad told me the awful truth. He was horrified at what John had done and knew all of it.

In the clip to the left, Mackenzie reacts to Jessica's support.


Owen Elliott [pictured left]—daughter of the late Mama Cass—released a statement to Extra today, also confirming the allegations:

Mackenzie is my best friend. She speaks her truth, and it's not a pretty truth. She has lived with this for 30+ years, and talking about this now is an important part of her recovery. I am very proud of her. Her bravery in telling her story is bound to help others.

1.) Behind the Music: Bobby Brown



Despite the fact that Whitney's comeback album and big interview on Oprah is what's renewed the public's interest in Bobby Brown, none of that was mentioned. In fact, when he did speak of Whitney, he wasn't exactly diplomatic.

They were both fucked up during that marriage. After getting addicted to cocaine and heroin, Bobby says that he doesn't remember an entire five-year block of time.

2.) Seth MacFarlane dropped the F-bomb live on E!'s Emmys red carpet show.
And the censors were too slow on the uptake to bleep it.

3.) Michael Jackson's illegitimate sister's first-ever TV interview
Joh'Vonnie Jackson, 31, is Joe Jackson's lovechild who was evidently always known about and even invited to a family reunion at Neverland.

4.) In other fucked-up showbiz family news
While on Oprah on Wednesday, Mackenzie Phillips thought this anecdote about Mick Jagger would lighten the mood set by her incest bombshell, but the audience was too freaked out.

5.) Synergy of #3 and #4
The Insider presents Mack and Mike, together, singing a song about addiction…to junk food.

6.) Lara Spencer's spot gets blown up.

7.) Language arts with The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Alternate way of saying "tardy for the party":

Alternate way of saying "STFU":

Alternate way of saying "vagina":

8.) Wendy Williams sucks at American history.

9.) Khloe Kardashian ponders one of life's big questions.

10.) Senior citizens in a strip club
A strip club in Florida offers senior citizens free flu shots and a buffet lunch.

Free food, meds and tits? This guy is probably wondering if he died already, 'cause he's in heaven.

1.) He had sex with his daughter when she was 17 years old.


2.) He didn't consider this rape, but rather, "making love."


3.) He continued to have sex with his daughter for a decade.


4.) He suggested he and his daughter live as man and wife.


5.) He might have gotten his daughter pregnant.


6.) He taught his 10-year-old child how to roll joints, then made her the official joint-roller.


7.) He taught his teenager how to tie-off and shot her up for the first time.


8.) He reinforced negative behavior.


9.) He gave terrible advice.


10.) He didn't do such a great job with his other kids either.

Q: How bad did it get with the drugs?
A: "We were payin' money."


Q: When did the drugs start?
A: Time is categorized as either "Before The Bodyguard" or "After The Bodyguard."


Q: What did she do when she was high?
A: Read the bible.


Q: What did Bobby Brown do when he was high?
A: Arts and crafts.


Q: How frequently did she do drugs while filming The Preacher's Wife?
A: Every day.


Q: Was Bobby Brown jealous of her?
A: Hell to the yes.


Q: Does Whitney still worry about pleasing Bobby?
A: Hell to the no.
Q: Was Bobby Brown Abusive?
A: Emotionally, yes.


Q: Did Whitney realize what she was getting herself into when she signed up for Being Bobby Brown?
A: Hell to the no.


Q: What was Whitney's drug of choice?
A: Bobby.

A reader tipped us off to this recently posted YouTube video of a vintage Oprah episode in which a woman describes how her Jewish parents forced her to sacrifice babies "for power." We're not entirely sure what that means, but, watching this, we're absolutely astounded by Oprah's miraculous media ascent. One day she's salivating over Jewish cults and the next she's television's queen bee.

Somewhere, sad and alone, Gerlado's screaming, "It should have been me!"

(As for the video's title, "Re: The shocking video Muslims don't want you to see!!," your guess is as good as ours....)

1.) Whitney!

2.) Where do broken hearts go?
Harpo Studios, Chicago.

3.) Was Hailey Glassman on Monday's episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8?
While Kate was away shooting guns, Jon was playing dress up with his daughters, pulling from a bag of women's clothes that definitely were not his soon-to-be-ex-wife's. A girl in the background, with her face blurred out, was lending a helping hand.

Jon filled out his dress, nicely.

I love how one of the little girls ended up looking like Mary-Kate Olsen.

4.) David Rothenberg, grown up
When I was younger, I was obsessed with this TV movie David, starring Bernadette Peters.

It was based on the true story of David Rothenberg, who was only 6-years-old when his father tried to murder him by setting him on fire, and causing severe burns to over 90% of David's body.

The real David whom the movie was based on was befriended by Michael Jackson. David, now in his 30s, has lived a really private life (and changed his name to Dave Dave), but resurfaced this week when he attended—and spoke at—MJ's burial.

He also debunked rumors on Larry King Live.

5.) He's not angry, he's mad.
In other MJ news, Joe Jackson speaks out for the first time since the other times he spoke out.

6.) The poor girl's brother just died!
Alena Jenkins, the 19-year-old sister of Ryan Jenkins, was interviewed today on Good Morning America. Alena is the one who most likely drove her brother to the motel where he subsequently hung himself. While trying to be a hard-nosed journalist, this GMA reporter just ended up coming off like an insensitive ass.

7.) Maureen McCormick is losing weight for publicity…again.

She's also losing her mind.

8.) Who wants an Alter-Ego?

9.) "Her future ambition is to be a successful woman."
Crawl before you walk, bitch. God!

10.) "Limousines, Parties"
Did you know that the Daytime Emmy Awards is the most glamorous night in television?

Pure glamour!

1.) "Have you seen Latoya?" has never sounded so creepy, or incriminating.

2.) Paula Deen visited the Today show, refused to leave, spread her legs, and grabbed two fistfuls of her vagina. The clip is rather long, but worth every second.

3.) The Real Housewives of New Jersey appeared on The View on Friday. Jacqueline, who discussed her difficulty with fertility on the show this past week, is now pregnant, and due June 11.



Unfortunately my two faves, Danielle and Teresa were not present. Teresa, it turns out, is also with child.

4.) Are your kittens still alive?

5.) More traumatizing than dead kittens: Judge Judy has never been a feminist.



But the thing is, her definition of why she's not a feminist is actually very feminist. So, like Mormon people who baptize the dead, I will anoint Judge Judy as a feminist, and get on with my life already.

6.) Oh, and if you ever need to read her mind, just read the captions on Larry King Live.

7.) Technology is destroying families, and making fathers sad.

8.) George Hamilton gave Bridget a lesson on the cultural history of Miami. Then they bonded about tanning.

9.) Sometimes I feel exactly like this:

10.) UGH! Maya Angelou, don't give her any ideas!

1.) I didn't get the time this week to talk about how insane Kelly Bensimon looks when she lets her hair down.

2.) Oprah interviewed a prostitute from the Moonlight Bunny Ranch this week, and when we posted about it, we left out O's most important question:

3.) Another day, I was watching Oprah, and paused it to go to the bathroom. When I got back, this was the face she was making, and I couldn't help but think she was dropping an S-shape of her own.

4.) Do you remember Daisy?

She was the girl that Bret didn't pick on Rock of Love 2. Now she has her own dating show on VH1, Daisy of Love, and this is how she said "hello" to her prospective boyfriends.

One contestant on her show described her pretty well: "She's like 5 foot tall, big fake boobs, blond hair, big lips…she's like my perfect girl."

5.) The Insider gave really sensitive coverage to that whole maybe-anorexic beauty queen thing. (Not.)

6.) Barbara Walters went on vacation with Cindy Adams and got waterboarded. Or so she says.

7.) There were two things I forgot to mention about ANTM this week. This:

And this:

8.) This speaks for itself:

9.) Heidi and Spencer are practicing birth control.

10.) The Lifetime Original Movie, Natallee Holloway, aired this week, and it didn't have a budget for publishing rights of Gwen Stefani songs. Also, it was established numerous times that Natallee was not a slut.

Lastly, I'll let Barbara Walters sign off for me:

From what we can gather, it involves consuming a variety of birds, followed by large quantities of cheese, topped off with unlimited desserts, and all washed down with a bucket of rendered duck fat. We mean, Mario (that's Batali, celebrity chef and her Spain...on the Road Again co-star, stupids) will tell you how much she eats. Trust her. It's tons. And how does she keep off the weight? Easy—by not thinking about her weight. It's that simple.

Until this moment, God bless her, Oprah had been keeping it together by chanting the word "OK" after every hateful word to spill from the corners of Paltrow's gravy-saturated mouth. But this—this "denial diet," this "positive psychic body reinforcement" or whatever you wanted to call it, was too much to bear. A quick neck-swiping was all it took for all the cameras in the studio to switch off, at which point the audience respectfully looked away as Winfrey launched herself at her guest with the strength and fury of ten life-fulfillment gurus denied adult-sized fried chicken portions for far too long. [Oprah]

(Click on any image to begin gallery)

And who better to herald the rebranding and hopeification of the U.S.A. than Justin Timberlake, who's made a career of strutting around with an almost radioactive confidence. Admitting to Oprah that Barack Obama's victory gave him a "little swagger to my step" (little?), Timberlake encourages all of us to follow his lead, and strut around with the model-fucking confidence of a pop superstar. Just what America needs—a higher self-esteem. [Oprah]

An explosive National Enquirer exclusive features excerpts from a book written by Randolph Cook—an alleged ex-lover of Oprah Winfrey—in which he claims his esophageal cancer was caused by countless romantic nights smoking crack with Oprah in the 1980s. [Ed. note: Smoking crack can do that? Fuck.]

They detail how he became a card-carrying member of Oprah's Rock Club:

Cook, 51, also claims the media mogul taught him how to smoke crack cocaine, and the two "freebased" the drug regularly during their passionate six-month romance and the talk show titan "was still under the influence while doing her show." ... Court papers back up Cook's shocking drug allegations about Oprah!

The document, titled "Defendant Oprah Winfrey's Answer to Plaintiff's Amended Complaint At Law," reveals: "Defendant admits that she and Cook had sexual relations." And it also says: "Defendant admits that Cook used cocaine in her presence and that she used cocaine while Cook was present."

According to the Enquirer's story, Oprah had already admitted to audiences that she had tried the drug in the '70s. These new freebasing allegations, however, suggest the unthinkable: That the talk show host was high on synthetic potato crisp crack as she was beamed into millions of U.S. homes. If there's even a puff of truth to this, we can only hope she's long since overcome her addiction—as the last thing we need to find in our mailbox is an all-crack-themed issue of O touting, "THE TIME IS NOW: GET THE MOST OUT OF EVERY HIT," and "ARE YOU AN EMOTIONAL CRACKER? TAKE OUR QUIZ."

• OPRAH SECRET LOVER TELL- ALL SEX & CRACK COCAINE BINGES [Nat'l Enq.]

· Enjoy (or something) this fascinating gallery featuring Mary Kay Letourneau, Debbie Lefave, and six other offenders who make up America's Rapey Lady Teacher Hall of Shame.
· Will the cratering economy adversely affect the once-thriving market for $3.8 million virgin whores? Natalie Dylan sure hopes not!
· Rumors that Vanessa Hudgens auditioned for New Moon have turned out to be false — something about not being able to pass the Access Hollywood physical.
· Attention concert promoters: Don't even think about stiffing Chaka Khan on her mandatory Miracle Whip Light.

Is she grappling with the idea itself, who's saying it, or the notion that a black mama somewhere named her boy "Sedrick"? Sedrick, who dialed into the show via Skype, merely blinks as Oprah's preachermen guests declare the giftiness of his gayhood. And then he says he has a "renewed vision." Presumably from the tears distributed over his cornea by the blinking.