NBC Universal—which runs, among other things, NBC, MSNBC, CNBC, USA Network, Universal Studios, and a bunch of theme parks—pulled in a profit of $391 million in the first quarter of 2009, versus $712 million in the first quarter of the previous year.

It's yet another colossal failure in Zucker's cap: He single-handedly engineered the demise of NBC from first place to fourth; he spent insane amounts of money on the Olympics in Athens and Beijing, which netted great ratings but not enough ad revenue to keep profits growing; he hired a club-kid to run NBC; and he acknowledged defeat last month. But he keeps on keeping his job, maybe because he dazzles and confuses his General Electric boss Jeffrey Immelt with reflections from his exceedingly bald head.

NBC Universal blames the profit drop squarely on the broadcast television unit, which lets it mask poor executive decisions behind the general advertising recession. Yes, local TV advertising is down because nobody is buying cars. But NBC also says that the Super Bowl was a drag on profits:

While NBC aired Super Bowl XLIII to great ratings success, there were significant production costs to air the big game, combined with rights fees paid to the NFL. Those expenses added up to $45 million in the quarter.

"Ratings success" understates it: Super Bowl 43 was the most-watched Super Bowl game in history, and the second-most watched program in the history of television. That's right: NBC Universal is explaining it's poor performance last quarter by saying that it got stuck with broadcasting the No. 2 television broadcast since the medium was invented. Tough luck guys!

Also dragging down profits were expenses relating to the Beijing Olympics, another huge ratings success that, in the normal course of business, ought to mean more money, not less. DVD sales were also down significantly.

On the upside, NBC Universal's cable networks were up 19%, which explains why executives were describing boring old USA this week as the company's "single biggest asset."

Isla confesses, "I always dreamed when I was a kid of coming on Letterman and showing my crotch." Clip at left.

"I'm excited to meet Michael Phelps!" she told PEOPLE at a bash celebrating her film Ghost Town at the Toronto Film Festival. "He's gonna be naked in all the sketches I write, for sure."

..."There are some people that you can just picture with a wig on and it's funny," she said at the event sponsored by Hollywood Life magazine. "He's one of those people."

Michael Phelps with nothing on but a wig? Hmm... you know what, Kristen? We can picture it! We'd also like to encourage you to find inspiration in our Defamer casting notices — after all, who wouldn't want to see the Olympic golden boy essay Mr. Spock, Dustin Diamond, and Timmy from South Park?

• SNL Star Gets Psyched for Michael Phelps [People]

· The Olympics gives NBC its biggest ratings in years, winning all 17 nights and earning the network an incontinence-inducing $1 billion in advertising revenues. Anyone with a medal gets a show! Just call Jeff Zucker. [Variety]
· Movie download site Jaman.com closed a deal with Lionsgate that would give users access to 100 of their titles for a rental charge, though expect to pay through the nose if you expect to watch 90-minute living painting The Christmas Cottage anywhere around the holidays. [Variety]
·National Lampoon's The Legend of Awesomest Maximus will spoof movies like Gladiator, 300, and Troy. We're not jazzed. [THR]
· Woody Harrelson has signed on for Zombieland, a horror comedy from the guys who brought you cult-classic reality hoax The Joe Schmo Show. We're jazzed again! [THR]

The Baltimore Bullet swooped in for the lip-lock with the 20-year-old brunette just weeks after she split from Aussie swimmer Eamon Sullivan. "All the swimmers are talking about it, and [Sullivan] is cut up about what happened," the source said.

The day after the face-sucking frolics, Phelps and Rice cheekily posed together for Speedo - laughing and playfully groping each other as a photographer snapped them in their swimsuits. "I definitely admire him for his athletic ability and everything he's achieved," gushed Rice, who won three gold medals of her own. "I'm just really glad to be in the mix with that."

Aww! But even she isn't the kind of girl you fly home halfway 'round the world to meet Mom, who even cares after Phelps just dropped about $1.7 million on a 4,000 square-foot bachelor pad in Baltimore. Earlier he bought his training facility (complete with an ice rink), and next up, a Maserati. Or maybe an Aston Martin, he said: "[S]ome of the old-school [James] Bond ones. That would be sick."After which he'll hop into bed again with NBC, which just spent an undisclosed amount for broadcast rights to the 2009 US and world swimming championships. And then his movie breakthrough in fellow Baltimorean John Waters's Hairspray 2. Actually, we made that last part up. Just as long as he's not slapping hos with Carl Lewis, we don't even care.

• Phelps Sucks Face With Aussie [NY Post]
• Michael Phelps makes Olympic-sized splash with luxe Baltimore condo [NYDN]

Reader Palo on the U.S. athletes: "Too much beach volleyball. NBC would have done even better if they hadn't OVERDOSED with that duo of Kerri Walsh/Misty May on the screen every night during primetime. Some NBC executives probably thought men want their T&A every night. But those women look like the jolly green giants" ...

Reader ML on the nature of the Olympics: "Enough volleyball already! There are other sports and other players worthy of coverage! We're showing our 6-13-yr-old kids old vacation movies at this point since the only alternative is beach volleyball again. What's wrong with NBC?" ...

Reader Kalliope on staying up late to watch key events: "I've watched a lot of beach volleyball, in an attempt to stay awake to watch the events I'm really interested in seeing. I have failed every night thus far ... it's USA women's Misty May-something and her partner what's-her-name. Night-after-night. Have they won yet? At one point I had to check my television because I thought I might have landed on the Beach Volleyball channel" ...

Reader “Family Reunion sports should not be Olympic sports” on Olympic badminton: “WTF is up with sand volleyball and badminton being Olympic sports? Any sports my 75 Grandma can play at my family reunion should not be an Olympic sport. What's next? Horseshoes, Lawn Darts, Croquet? Sack Races? Egg Toss? Memo to NBC: I don't give a darn about Volleyball. PLEASE MAKE IT ALL STOP!!!”

OK — but be patient! Our surefire injunction will be ready by Sunday's telecast, we promise.

• NBC commentators vs. volleyball-hating viewers [THR Feed]

[Photo via BWE.tv]

Some are more challenging than others, but not knowing which Australian "recently dropped backstroke to focus on butterfly" or which American "has dominated his best stroke since 2001" (hint: not Michael Phelps!) hardly seems to detract from the guessing-game fun. All that's left now is to determine which of the fledgling Adonises will be first to attempt an unwitting, towel-snapping crossover opposite the latter-day equivalent of Steve Guttenberg and a diving dozen of West Village extras.

(Read more coverage of the 2008 Olympic Games.)

• Ab Fab: Guess the Swimmer [NBC]

Bronze, silver and gold medals awarded after the jump:

On the dais accepting his bronze medal is actor Leo Fitzpatrick, best known for his work in Kids and The Wire. As our tipster Alexis said, "Leo Fitzpatrick as Michael Phelps FTW. Down to the lisp."

No stranger to death-defying feats is our silver medalist, Jackass participant Steve-O (suggested by StylusPictures). However, we think drug testing would disqualify him.

Cue up the National Anthem and follow it with Emmy fanfare, because our gold medalist is none other than Saved By The Bell alum Dustin Diamond. An unconventional choice to be sure, but at least we know he likes getting nearly naked in front of a camera (and that he's probably into water sports). Congratulations to his very own Bela Karolyi, commenter everfade!

• PREVIOUSLY: help Us Cast the Michael Phelps Story [Defamer]

Boomp3.com

Seeking a cure for her Olympic fever, Kate Hudson and her young son Ryder took the beaches of Manhattan Beach for a serious game of beach volleyball. The mother/son duo eventually managed to get a pick-up game going with two of the members of the paparazzi, but the matchup quickly proved to be lopsided. She hadn't properly accounted for Ryder's small stature and lack of mental focus — when he wasn't busy wandering off and attempting to swim in the ocean, he consistently hit the ball into the lower portion of the net. However, the Hudsons soldiered on with their game, ultimately losing to the Flynet crew 21 - 3.

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Sure, there are advocates for McSwimmin', but how about John Krasinski, who plenty of fans of The Office might like to see wearing a hydrodynamic speedo for two hours? However, if producers are willing to take a Todd Haynes-inspired flight of fancy, might we also recommend Will Smith? He's got the ears and the toned body, and we have no trouble imagining him as he mows down a fleet of zombie swimmers, accompanied by nothing but his trusty goldfish (and, of course, his loneliness).

• Olympic stars struggle in showbiz [THR]

"Who could have sex the longest," he told us in a soft voice and with a straight face, while looking into our eyes.

Was that a pick-up line? We weren't sure, but we tingled anyway. "I think that's an event I can do well in. And probably who could stay up the longest." Dirty! "Just so you know, that's supposed to be funny," he added as an afterthought. "Even though I am serious." But who would be his competitors? "Whoever's up for the challenge."

Upon learning of Diddy's idea, NBC head Jeff Zucker immediately dispatched on-air talent Bob Costas and Mary Cirillo to make it a reality. Can Diddy surpass Michael Phelps' title as the most decorated Olympian of all time, or will his LAT-inspired strategy get him disqualified?

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Diddy Could Be a Sex Olympian [New York]

Boomp3.com

Jeremy Piven was all smiles as he left popular Los Angeles steak house STK on Tuesday night. Piven told the lens men he had a delicious steak dinner and was thrilled about Michael Phelps' domination in the summer Olympics. One of the paparazzi wasn't sure if Piven's smile was genuine and asked the Entourage star about his fantasy football team. Piven with a large smile said, "Aaron Rodgers for the win!" then disappeared into the darkness of the Hollywood Hills.

[Photo Credit: WENN]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

The real voice behind the tiny, pigtailed girl in the red dress who wowed 91,000 spectators at the National Stadium on opening night really belonged to 7-year-old Yang Peiyi. Her looks apparently failed the cuteness test with officials organizing the ceremony, but Chen said her voice was judged the most beautiful.

Video (and more accusations of Olympic fakery) after the jump:

THR's James Hibberd provides a helpful roundup of allegations, including complaints about NBC's misuse of the "Live" stamp and charges that a beautiful, aerial shot of fireworks was computer-generated, a fact that that commentators danced around:

Accusation: That viewers were misled by the use of CGI fireworks during a sweeping helicopter shot leading up to Bird's Nest National Stadium. Organizers note the fireworks were there, but the footage was created in advance due to the danger of shooting live from a nearby helicopter.

Hurt by the allegations, NBC and Chinese authorities teamed up to release an ominous statement intended to quash dissent, promising, "If more columnists dare to question the magisterial beauty of our Games, we will have no choice but to pull Olympic coverage in favor of wall-to-wall airings of Can't Stop the Music. Xie xie."

• China Had "Cute" Girl Mime Opening Ceremony After Singer Banned For Crooked Teeth [HuffPo]
• NBC responds to Olympic fakery accusations [THR]

Alas, for every Kristi Yamaguchi who wins Dancing With the Stars, there are a dozen others whose athletic gifts fail to blossom into entertainment careers. Defamer videographer Molly McAleer has dug deep into our archives for a few of the most dramatic missteps and failures, from Bruce Jenner's ill-advised turn in Can't Stop the Music to Mary Lou Retton's less-than-convincing '80s-era battery pitch. May the limits of their championship spirit be a lesson to all those going for the gold in '08. We'll be watching. (Read more coverage of the 2008 Olympic Games.)

5. Bruce Jenner, You Can't Stop The Music

4. Mitch Gaylord, American Anthem

3. Mary Lou Retton, Energizer Commercial

2. Tonya Harding, Celebrity Boxing

1. Carl Lewis, Get My Money