Sure, she could have turned to 2008 Flacky Honorees like Elliot Mintz or Jonathan Jaxson. But then there's the risk of Jaxson going on TV and telling metro Atlanta the secret, savory family recipe to the Blonsky Sandwich served up last summer in Turks and Caicos, where Nikki and her dad wound up arrested after an airport brawl with America's Next Top Model castoff Bianca Golden. What's the point, right? Nikki's swift boot into Golden's mother's crotch speaks for itself — both literally and spiritually, culminating today in the warm, united Blonsky front we sagely advised months ago:

"We are a very strong family, we love each other and nothing will ever tear us down,” Blonsky told People Saturday night. [...] "I don’t even need to defend myself. It’s pretty obvious that it was just a big scam.” [...]

"He's a strong man. He is my hero because he showed me that no matter what happens in life you can make it through," Blonsky says of her father.

True, he still faces assault charges back at the scene of the crime. But if his (allegedly) violent airport chair-commandeering technique alone can attract this much respect, imagine how much more resilient an influence he'll provide upon actually doing time. Even Josh Brolin and Jeffrey Wright could — and maybe should — learn a thing or two from this.

• Nikki Blonsky Says Airport Brawl Has Made Her Family Closer [People]

This is the happy realization today for two of Hollywood's most recently beleaguered actresses. First, TMZ reports that Heather Locklear has had her DUI case dismissed thanks to the help of mega lawyer Blair Berk, who also negotiated an 84-minute jail stay for Lindsay Lohan last year. Despite the fact that the actress was found to be under the influence of prescription drugs, the judge waved that little infraction away so that Locklear could plea no contest to reckless driving, which mandates three years of informal probation, a $700 fine, and a 12-hour drug education course. Sadly, all of Denise Richards's plotting has come to naught.

Also cleared of wrongdoing are Hairspray star Nikki Blonsky and Top Model castoff Bianca Golden, whose Caribbean family blowout left more than a few egos and vaginas bruised. Both women have had the cases against them dropped, says Us. However, Blonsky's father still faces assault charges, on account of not being famous.

• Heather Locklear Dodges DUI Bullet [TMZ]

• Hairspray Star, ANTM Contestant Cleared of Assault Charges [Us]

Related: Nikki Blonsky: Airport Brawl With Top Model Left Me Completely Destroyed

So far we can all agree that each family's hard-earned Caribbean respite ended with a collision at the Providenciales International Airport, where the Blonskys were holding seats at the departure gate. The Goldens objected, and the B-list shit the the D-list fan:

Things took a nasty turn, she says, when she asked Bianca not to point her finger in her face. "That's when she stood up, pulled her arm all the way back and said, 'Fuck you, you white bitch.' And she closed her fist and punched me," says Blonsky.

And what of the epithets, crotch-kick and suckerpunch that Golden told Tyra Banks laid out her mother with a fractured skull? "Absolute lies," Blosnky insists. Right on cue, Inside Edition mere minutes ago speed-dialed Golden for her reply, which went about the way you'd expect, with a denial she ever punched Blonsky and the unequivocal confirmation, "I witnessed Nikki Blonsky take her foot and kick my mom in her lower abdomen." (The broadcast airs tonight, hooray.)

Of course, "Tracy Turnblad" was in fact "decked out" by someone in the Golden gang, if the videotaped play-by-play is to be believed. And for the "crotch" to suddenly become the "lower abdomen" (People reported it as the "groin," but a low blow is a low blow) implies a conspicuous change in Golden's story that will be duly noted by our own legal observers at Defamer HQ, not to mention the tropical island judge who will hear the case later this winter. We'll likely next pick this one up at that time, lest our scorecards' clutter inhibit the justice sure to come.

• Nikki Blonsky: Airport Brawl Left Me 'Destroyed' [People]

Nikki, 19, was charged with actual bodily harm; her father was charged with grievous bodily harm, a source at the Turks and Caicos Weekly News tells Us. ... The woman was so badly hurt, the source adds, that she was flown off the island to Miami.

America's Next Top Model contestant Bianca Golden — whose family resides on the island — was also involved in the brawl. It is unclear what role she played.

Nikki — who is now in a neck brace — went to court Friday morning, the source tells Us.

Our own eyewitnesses described the aftermath in vivid detail, allowing this exclusive artist's rendering of Blonsky's injuries. We wish her, her old man, Golden and all involved a healthy recovery and speedy trial — you have to know John Waters is writing this into Hairspray 2 as we speak.

• BREAKING NEWS: 'Hairspray''s Nikki Blonsky, Father Arrested [US]

Which rotund actress had a romantic rendezvous with a waiter - but only after the server's boss promised him free food and drinks if he "went the extra mile" to keep the thespian happy? One cocaine-fueled romp later, and the waiter has yet to see his payoff. "I slept with the beast for this?" he complained.

Naturally we present some of the front runners for you, the loyal Defamer audience, after the jump. As always, your guesses are not only encouraged, but expected!

Our guesses and why:

Camryn Manheim: Okay, Camryn has made a career of proudly declaring how beautiful she is, and we have to agree. That said, she doesn't necessarily strike us as the cocaine type.

Nikki Blonsky: Love her, adore her, want to tuck her inside our pocket and pluck her out whenever we've got the blues. She seems pretty straight-laced, but all that perkiness can't be natural ... can it?

Jennifer Hudson: Again, when we're feeling down, we will dig up our copy of Dreamgirls and fast-forward (who are we kidding - we've got that scene's time-stamp memorized) to "And I Am Telling You," cry our little heart out and feel just fine. But, we must admit, the story fits J. Hud.

But enough about us...what do you think about us the rotundee in question?

• SIDE DISH [NYDN]

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