After a full day of work and with my belly full of tacos, I headed back to Culver City (yes, again!) to the Denizen Design Gallery to drink some absinthe, look at art by Terrell Moore and listen to beats by Jason Eldredge. It's the kind of effortlessly cool thing that Flavorpill usually touts in their weekly letters.

The artist: Terrell Moore

The DJ: Jason Eldredge

I arrived just as someone was sparking a doobie. The smell wafted through the gallery, and no one seemed to notice or care. A beautiful dog, a weimaraner, wandered around and deigned to let you touch it.

One of Moore's claims to fame was that his work— cool subtle minimalist pale paintings—were featured in scenes in Iron Man.

There were a few interesting pieces — bright and colorful, candy-like that were appealing if only I had several hundred or five thousand dollars to blow.

On a table there was a collection of hats. Trucker hats, to be specific. Now, there's one thing I hope doesn't come back. Still, this fashion no-no didn't stop people from taking the some of the hats and walking around. Managing Editor of Flavorpill LA Shana Nys Dambrot yelled at one person walking by, half-jokingly, "Those are a $100, did you buy it?"

However, the main draw, as was readily apparent by the soused state of the revelers still clinging to drinks during the last hour of the party, was the Absinthe. The much-maligned liquor has been banned in this country for most of the last century; it garnered a reputation during the run up to Prohibition as being much more dangerous and psychoactive than regular old alcohol, and it was found that Absinthe made with wormwood could be deadly. This new shiny Absinthe is sort of like Absinthe-light; so in other words, lacking much of the psychoactive properties, but keeping the disgusting medicinal look and tastes. (Yum, green!) Also: it's not as fun, as you don't do that cool light-the-sugar-with-a-spoon-thing you do with straight up Absinthe.

I tried a shot, made it a third of the way; gave the Flavorpill "Orange Fresh" a try, which wasn't orange or fresh, and couldn't stomach that, either. But this was not the case of my companions. Whatever the Absinthe is made of, it seemed to be working.

Any way, that wasn't the highlight of my evening. About halfway through, I met this guy, Brandon Maxwell, who was very nice and chatty.

Then, I started to wonder if maybe I was actually high.

He is working on a short instructional film about men having multiple orgasms. He proceeded to explain that men are actually very repressed when it comes to talking and thinking about their sexuality, and are stumped when it comes to achieving the multiple big O. Did I mention that this film has cartoon illustration? Oh, and it's called, The Multiple Maxwell Climax. He has a blog, called "Master Your Johnson," and a website, climaxwell.com.

At the end of the night, Shana whips out her camera and Brandon asks if we can pose together. He bends down and says, just before she snaps the picture: "Pretend like we're dating."

Exit stage left.

And scene!

The building houses Basque Nightclub and Restaurant, but it was not open at the time and no one is said to have been inside. Towering 40-foot flames shot through the roof of Basque Nightclub and smoke could be seen and smelled for miles.

The greater alarm fire started just before 5:30 a.m. and quickly spread to other businesses inside the building.

More than 100 firefighters battled the blaze, which was knocked down just before 8 a.m. Crews made an aggressive attack on the fire, using aerial ladders to pour water on the flames from above.

In addition to the TV report above, introduced by a too-perky-by-half anchor (this is Basque we're talking about! Where Lindsay Lohan had a premiere night she'll never forget! At least pretend to show some grief), here's some amateur footage on YouTube that shows just how close the smoke and flames came to the Capitol Records building. We urge everyone to climb atop a wobbly V.I.P. table at Les Deux tonight and toast a glass of Perrier-Jouet to the fallen social institution.

• Fire tears through Hollywood nightclub [abclocal.go.com/kabc]
• basquehollywood.com
• Hollywood & Vine Fire April 30, 2008 [YouTube]

Unsurprisingly, Britney Spears' name comes up; not only is she guilty of using her handlers to hijack an evening's set list with overplayed Madonna and Prince tunes, but the only reliable method for curtailing her attention-whoring activities is to humiliate her off the stage with the music of her currently much more successful devirginizer. Also revealed: Brad Pitt possesses the ability to dance, and Hillary Clinton thinks that she can connect with young voters through 16-year-old Jesus Jones songs.

• Yo on E! [E! Online]

• TMZ on TV [TMZ.com]

I am contacting you as I represent BOULEVARD3, the venue that is located next to Social Hollywood. The Cal Spas hot tubs that were delivered last week were actually delivered to BOULEVARD3 for an amazing special event - thought up an carried out by BOULEVARD3's owner Peter Famulari.

Famulari, who is always looking for new ways to excite his guests and encourage more genuine interaction within the crowd, hosted a hot tub party last Friday night. Details on the event are below.

BOULEVARD3's First Annual Hot Tub Party

Entry is via RSVP only (as it always is for the venue) additionally there is no cover charge (as always.) We will be selling hot tub packages as we would sell tables for the evening. The package is listed below as well as the food and entertainment that everyone can enjoy on Friday.

The HOT TUB PACKAGE includes a Garden Room with their own private Cal Spas Hot Tub; a bottle of champagne, a bottle of premium liquor and mixers, a bucket of beer, and they will have access to unlimited energy drinks and water from 2-3am.

There will be a complimentary BBQ from 9-10:30pm created by Chef Joseph Ojeda that will include:

Grilled Caribbean Chicken Satay w/ mango salsa
Grilled Coconut Shrimp Satay w/ lemongrass and cilantro ajillo
Fresh Tropical Fruit Salad "Martini"

Other highlights during the event include:

"Beach volleyball" on the dance floor

2 Fashion Shows -Mia Presley Luxury Swimwear & Skin Flick and Lime. The models are a mix of former Playboy Playmates and Penthouse Pets

The venue will be open until 3 am.

• Previously: The Mystery Of Social Hollywood's Hot Tub Delivery [Defamer]

• Delivery at Hollywood Social? [Curbed LA]

• Knocker Out! Catfight at Les Deux! [TMZ]

CELEBS can expect privacy at the Tower Bar at the Sunset Tower Hotel in L.A. Last week, an entertainment freelance reporter for one of the weeklies was unceremoniously booted after she was caught texting people that Jennifer Aniston was there with her new beau, Paul Colford. "

Security was called and she was told to never come back," our insider said. But the journo didn't go quietly - "She made a huge stink and started screaming." As she was being tossed, "The entire bar - including [Aniston], Bernie Brillstein, Kate Hudson and [former Paramount head] Donald Deline - started applauding, and some people even stood up."

The high-powered crowd's spontaneous expression of gratitude over the Sunset Tower's commitment to their privacy quickly became one of gape-mouthed horror as the unwelcome freelancer was escorted to the hotel's roof, where she was briefly dangled by the ankle before being dropped into the pool several stories below. But as her broken body was being fished from the perfectly chlorinated waters, the applause gradually resumed as patrons realized that such drastic measures are necessary to ensure that the controversial drink orders of marginal movie stars, retired managers, and ousted studio executives alike remain a fiercely protected secret.

• NO-SPYING ZONE [Page Six]

"She had two Jack [Daniels] and Cokes and an orange-flavored martini," Lola's manager, Sylvie Haines, tells Us Weekly, adding that "her whole visit was pretty low-key and she didn't seem drunk."

This is good news: Not only does Spears's newly demonstrated ability to enjoy three drinks without succumbing to a head-shaving fugue state reinforce her belief that her stint in Promises was unnecessary, but by the time she returned home, her blood-alcohol content was probably low enough to open the Breathalyzer-protected lock on her sons' nursery, allowing the dedicated mom to get in some quality time with the kids before heading off to bed.

• Britney Spears Drinking Again [Us Weekly]
• Previously: Role As Billboard Novelty Kook Not The Return To Radio Britney Spears Had Envisioned [Defamer]

We knew that it was only a matter of time before a news organization with Us Weekly's vast investigative resources would finally marshal the courage to finally expose Hollywood's Drug Problem, a social scourge that threatens to devour our finest, excess-prone famous people, greedily gnaw at what's left of the meat on their malnourished frames, then vomit back up their coke-bleached bones into the nearest luxury rehabilitation receptacle, preferably one with easy beach access. How bad has the crisis gotten? Says a highly placed Us "scenester" who's obviously been to at least one bar in WeHo in the last two years, "Coke is so not a big deal for young stars in Hollywood. It's like having a drink." Indeed, the public consumption of illegal narcotics is now so accepted that many of the city's finer nightlife establishments will deliver punchbowls brimming with blow (in a variety of flavors) directly to one's VIP booth, where parties can unashamedly blow rails at their leisure, eliminating the onetime annoyance of having one's drug use rushed by a bitch with a shy bladder constantly banging on one's bathroom stall door.

• Drugs & Hollywood [Us Weekly]

• Beatty and Hyde [TMZ]

The Standard Hotel: You are likely to find at least three things at the Standard: a plastic but beautiful bartender, some leggy drunk girl toppling over her shoes, and a c-list celebrity doing coke in the bathroom. The odds just work out that way. Whether the rampant cocaine use in the nicely modernist bathrooms have anything to do with HotelChatter editor Davie's love affair with the place is unclear.

Star Shoes: Great music venue and band hang out, this former shoe boutique is all 50's formica and American irony. They have DJs and live soul, funk, and hip-hop, and it feels less like LA than most places in Hollywood. Maroon 5 used to hang out here back before they hit it big. And you can bet Adam Levine was coked up when he wrote "Hard to Breathe" and the porcelain toilet top is infamous as high-quality blow snortpad.

Voda: Our LA operative says, "A little less celebrity and a LOT more douchey, Voda is an insufferable vodka bar in Santa Monica that I've started writing about three times but each time I have had to give up because I couldn't think of anything nice to say." Aw, well here's a nice thing: they have a waterfall, 50 types of Vodka and long lines of coke in the women's bathroom.

The rest of Gridskipper's list is here. But should you find venues open to the general public too inclusive for your tastes, Star magazine reports on two other options popular with VIPs: drug parties in the Hills, and Lindsay Lohan's bathroom.

• Long Lines in LA [Gridskipper]
• Secret Drug Parties Of The Stars [City Rag]

• JoJo: Hyde's Resident Jailbait [TMZ.com]

· In easily the most newsworthy development of the night, TMZ found itself caught in the middle of a fight between general-use celebutard Paris Hilton and semi-famous Dancing with the Stars contestant Shanna Moakler, a shocking episode of Mutually Assured Bimbo Destruction that ended with both filing police reports, and during which at least one weave was tragically sacrificed to Travis Barker's irresistible charms. [TMZ]
· Can Bobby Brown get into Hyde on a Tuesday night? You see this one coming all the way down the Sunset Strip, but we must: Hell to the no. That didn't feel very good. [TMZ]
· In stunning role-reversal between doorman and prospective bar patron, some guy from Prison Break whom we've never heard of (i.e., it wasn't the Human Stain guy) spoke truth to power, telling a bouncer that his shaving habits should keep him on the wrong side of the velvet rope. [TMZ]
· Famous-type people Dave Navarro and Michelle Trachtenberg were allowed entry to the club, as was infamous Paris Hilton nightvision doggystyler Rick Salomon. [TMZ]

Flavored cocaine is nothing new, we're told. Law enforcement sources tell us that since the 80s people have been buying coke in all sorts of flavors, including rum and cherry, and now it appears strawberry is back and all the rage.

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ that strawberry flavoring is added to the drug to give it its fruity flavor. Years ago just adding food coloring was a big thing— brown and red cocaine were the talk of the town. Theoretically, you could make or add any flavor you'd like to the drug.

Hollywood insiders tell TMZ that this drug has exploded in the club scene, and not only has cocaine made a huge comeback, the strawberry version is definitely rearing its ugly head again. Like leggings and skinny jeans, this dangerous pastime is back full force.

Sadly, we have no firsthand experience with strawberry-tinged booger sugar, as our dealer stubbornly refuses to offer anything but the traditional Cocaine Classic™ flavor. But we're intrigued by TMZ's bold piece on retro-blow, and invite our readers to pass along their encounters with it (either through e-mail or in our comments section) so that we can stay current on this explosive, fruity trend.

• Hollywood's New Fruit Addiction [TMZ.com]

• Jeremy Piven Stole My Car! [TMZ.com]

The makers of deceptively named new energy drink Cocaine insist that their product has been made 350 percent stronger than now-pussified jitter-beverage Red Bull by 280 milligrams of street-legal caffeine, not, as you might hope, by a secret, powdery ingredient imported by tied-off condom in the digestive tract of Colombian mules. Still, we assume that the company will do everything they can to fully leverage the power of their adorably controversial brand, from handing out free cans from crowded stalls of Hollywood clubs to paying millions of dollars to officially sponsor the next five years of Lindsay Lohan's life. Really, the marketing campaign writes itself.

• The Ultimate Energy Drink: Cocaine? [ABC News via WOW Report]
• Cocaine [DrinkCocaine.com]

THR, Esq. reports that photographer Jodi Cobb is suing Geisha House, the Hollywood eatery owned by Big Brother All Stars winner/Jack Shack proprietor Mike "Boogie" Malin and B-list restaurateurs Ashton Kutcher and Wilmer Valderrama, for the establishment's alleged liberal, unpaid use of her geisha photography in their decor and marketing materials. Geisha House's management counters that they're not so much "stealing" her images as "knocking them off so they don't have to pay":

[Geisha House proprietor Lonnie] Moore, who is represented by Geoffrey Gold of Rutter Hobbs & Davidoff, said the lips photographs featured in the restaurant are not the actual "Lips" photograph by Cobb. The restaurant had tried to work with Cobb to use her photograph, but "she wanted too much money," Moore said. So the restaurant created its own version of the photograph.

"It's similar, but it's different," Moore said, adding that various elements of the picture, including the angle, the lighting and color, are different from Cobb's version. [...]

Moore said he doesn't see the reproduction of Cobb's work as damaging to her reputation. If anything, he believes they benefit her.

"It actually makes her more well known," he said. "It's the ultimate respect and we're showing reverence for her. Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery."

This all seems like nothing more than a simple misunderstanding of how celebrity-backed enterprises remunerate their business associates. Once someone explains that Cobb will become wealthy beyond her wildest dreams when a Geisha House flack tips Page Six that Valderrama was caught digitally penetrating (or "canoodling," in the tabloid parlance) an Olsen twin beneath a reproduction of one of her conspicuously attributed photos, we're sure she'll quickly drop the suit as other restaurants come clamoring to work with the hottest photographer in town.

• Photographer Alleges Geisha House Photos Infringe [THR ESQ]

But the real action was happening inside the Sunset Boulevard club, where, sources say, Nicole Richie was getting into the party spirit with her spirit of choice: Tequila! "She was so wasted!" said an attendant, who also said that Ms. Richie's drinking partner, Mary-Kate Olsen, was not doing anything to help the situation. "She was dancing on the tables and then she started giving lap dances to her friends and random guys, too."

And then it happened, under the copper ceiling, amidst the hanging candles. "Nicole puked right on the floor, like right in the middle of the club," said the source. "Everyone saw! But I guess she didn't care. She kept partying."

"She loves tequila," said the source, a friend of Ms. Richie's. "But you know, she's so small—and she probably didn't eat anything that day. So you know, she probably had a couple shots and it just happened. She was just having a good time."

It might seem odd that Richie would act so nonchalant after vomiting in the middle of the club, but as a VIP patron, she knew that a Hyde staffer would quickly alert her if her body had thrown up a critical internal organ after finding no recently consumed food to reject. Hot clubs like Hyde know that if they don't provide that level of service to their cherished celebrity clientele, they'll just take their gilded puke to a more welcoming establishment up the street.

• Letter From L.A.: Nicole Richie Lapdances, Blows Chunks At Ronson Bash [The Transom]
• Previously: Healthy, Glowing Lindsay Lohan Drinks Bottled Spring Water At Hollywood's Most Wholesome Clubhouse [Defamer]

Hyde — Monday night madness... Ok, so it's been a while since I ventured out of my garret bungalow beneath the bouganvilla draped stairs, nestled in West Hollywood, and boy did last night make up for lost time. I saw EVERYONE... well, maybe not everyone, but so many celebs! The nicest actress in the world : January Jones, totally sober, offering to give her buddies a ride home. Smokin' Monica Keena (back to blonde), and her usual male-harem, including Largo performing comic Kevin Seccia, and a tall strawberry blonde producer. The Mo-Ke gang was chillin' while Monica and Kirsten Dunst were having an old home week reunion. When I got back from the ladies' I had the pleasure(?) of seeing Brandon Davis and Paris Hilton (when you get sober, aren't you supposed to cool it with the heiress drinking buddies?) No one yelled 'firecrotch,' so I think it's safe to assume Lindsay wasn't even in the state... Last but not least, Lil' Miss Ragamuffin Mary Kate Olsen. So small, so draped in fabric.

The second report follows after the jump:

Nothing notable at the Roosevelt followed by what I thought would be a dud evening at Hyde. My friend told me to come to the bathroom with her and I almost resisted- when I walked in there she was.. Paris Hilton. I think she's much hotter in person- strikingly so.. wow. I was surprised Paris wasn't super thin- she's skinny but in a normal way. She was with a brunette of similar height/body- but I didn't recognize her. Amanda Demme was there and didn't seem as cold as my previous impressions of her. Kirsten Dunst walked past me and I didn't even notice- my friend had to point her out. On the way out one of the Olsen Twins was looking very emaciated & bag ladylike- grinding with one of the pillars as if it was a poll. I felt like I was watching Jon Benet (minus the makeup/hair) during the talent portion of a pageant- it just felt wrong!

Bonus roll call of famous-type people at Hyde on Friday night:

Brett Ratner, Nick, Jessica, Olsen Sister + Chris Rock + Kato Kaelin @ Hyde last night...it was the caricature night — fucking kato kaelin sighting made my night.

• Swinging Producers Ready To Shoot Fame-Seeking Fish In Tiny Nightclub Barrel [Defamer]
• Great Moments In Velvet Rope History: Hyde Turns Away Obnoxious Billionaire [Defamer]

AMANDA Demme may have found a way around those pesky laws governing California liquor licenses that were cited when she was bounced from the Roosevelt Hotel a few months ago. We hear the party promoter extraordinaire is coming up with a "private house" concept, not unlike the traveling private party in L.A. called Xenii. "She will rent a house and have late-night parties where anyone, including [underage] people like Lindsay Lohan and Mischa Barton, can hang and not be bothered." The place should be ready by this fall - pity the neighbors.

The private venues will pose new creative challenges for Demme, particularly in designating which rooms will be assigned with VIP, VVIP, and VVVIP-access. A private party in the master bathroom should seem exclusive enough for B-list types, but for A-list clientele such as Lohan and Barton, Demme plans on posting two bouncers outside the cabinets beneath the kitchen sink, keeping the riff-raff from accessing the elite, beautiful people crammed inside.

• PRIVATE BOOZING [NY Post]

THINGS got ugly at the Hollywood Roosevelt over the weekend when a top Paramount exec was allegedly man handled, threatened and thrown out of the hotel by a doorman. Dee Poku, vice president of the studio's international marketing division, told Page Six, "They were pretty disgusting." While she wouldn't elaborate, a close pal said the drama erupted when Poku "was politely asking for one more guest on the list to get in to join a birthday party she was attending inside."

That's when the doorman inexplicably "verbally threatened" her, "grabbed her and threw her out into the street. She is totally traumatized," the friend said. The jolted exec, who is said to be mulling legal action, told a friend via e-mail: "I was in tears - they were so mean." The hotel said in a statement: "The guest was disrupting the hotel's security procedures with regards to checking IDs and asked to leave. We do not enjoy asking our patrons to leave, but were left no other choice. This particular guest was disruptive for over an hour."

The Roosevelt has obviously taken a less celebrity-obsessed approach to building buzz these days; under the Demme regime, the above story would've involved a dispassionate Amanda ordering one of her doormen to stungun the testicles of a second-tier One Tree Hill cast member, then having someone immediately call Page Six to brag about it. If the New Roosevelt can offer nothing better than an obscure Paramount exec having an hourlong hissy hit, they're going to have a hard time keeping their name in the tabloids.

• STUDIO EXEC GETS HOTEL BOOT [Page Six]

Girl: Do you work at MTV? Johnny Hollywood: No, but I used to. Girl: So what do you do now? JH: Well, actually...stall...stall...wait for it...stall...now I'm an independent manager of writers and directors. Girl: Oh......cool. So you must know some people. JH: Well, I wouldn't really say I know a lot of people, but I get it done.

Full versions of the redundant party-reporting goodness follow after the jump:

So the ostensible "perks" of my job saw me gracing the Stone Rose opening party at the newly painted Sofitel Hotel last night. Luckily about 500 of my closest friends also attended. Who knows how well Rande Gerber's newest lounge/club/douchebag breeding pond will do inside the Sofitel, which has a "Q" score hovering near the negative numbers. But not for me to judge. I can, however, judge the C/D/F-list crowd that basically crossed all clearly delineated LA social lines last night. —Rande and Cindy (who is very tall and very hot) were cuddling in the center of the bar all night, being harassed now and then but generally left alone. Despite rumors that the two have an "arrangement"—I mean the dude is a fucking nightclub owner!!!!—they seemed legit. —Escaped to the terrace and ran smack into the ominpresent D-lister Lance Bass engaged in deep conversation with previously-extorted-but-now-exonerated-by-the-sweet-scales-of-lady-justice Joe Francis who spent a lot of the subsequent time at the party running around the outdoor space frantically searching the crowd. Always fun to watch the trashy hoors do the double-take when they recognize him. —Omarosa (the Patrick Ewing double) from the Apprentice also on the patio holding court with whomever was interested...Sadly, more than a few were interested.

—Allison Janney looking like a soccer mom. She was way out of place among the Persian Mafia, Hollywood Club Rats, waves of painfully dressed Flackettes from every agency in town, coked out models, coked out run-of-the-mill tramps, coked-out sluts, and tons of Johnny Hollywoods.

Sample of (actual) overheard conversation:

Girl: Do you work at MTV?
Johnny Hollywood: No, but I used to.
Girl: So what do you do now?
JH: Well, actually...stall...stall...wait for it...stall...now I'm an independent manager of writers and directors.
Girl: Oh......cool. So you must know some people.
JH: Well, I wouldn't really say I know a lot of people, but I get it done.

On the plus side. Tons of free shellfish, sushi and great desserts (cupcakes, crackerjacks, rice krispy treats). Also open bar.

But, the biggest douchebag at the whole thing, of course, was ME! Simply because I went and then had to wait 25 minutes for my car at the valet.

The end.

And our second report, which we promise was authored by a high-level Defamer operative despite the misleading use of CELEBRITY CAPS:

Snuck into the SOFITEL hotel and STONE ROSE bar opening party last night and into a magical world of free Scotch, breaded meatballs, and B-, C-, and D-list celebrities. Arrived to see LANCE BASS (extra bug-eyed, it's getting worse as he ages) waiting in the lobby for people to notice him. It worked, chicks all over him. Out back, Harold (JOHN CHO is it?) with more hot girls and Jessica Simpson's assistant (CEE-CEE?) standing near the dessert bar (3 flavors of rice krispie treats!)

Also, KATO KAELIN standing next to OMAROSA, but I don't think they talked. At the VIP bar the skeletal remains of ALLISON JANNEY actually looked do-able (remember when she was the homophobic neighbor's dumpy wife in American Beauty? That was like 7 years ago and she looks way better NOW) lounging near SAMMY HAGAR—sorry, just some porn star who looked like SAMMY HAGAR taking freak-train photos with four girls with huge plastic boobs. Inside sitting behind a security dude was RACHEL BILSON ADAM BRODY she looked bored and his nonjewfro is getting big again. Quote of the night from a 300lb guy in a Hawaiian shirt: "Nice red jacket and plaid pants, douchebag...and ICM sucks!" Rest of the night's a bit blurry but I could've sworn i saw VIN DIESEL in a beret as we were leaving (no ducks). and CINDY CRAWFORD taking off in a Bentley with that bartender she dates. She looked perhaps the hottest of all, which is amazing since i checked IMDb and she's 57 yrs old.

• Defamer Party Report: Superflush [Defamer]

"Not tonight, Brandon," was the verdict on Saturday from doorman at the nightclub Hyde. "What are you talking about?" said Mr. Davis, according to an onlooker. Mr. Davis had, among others, his brother and Sonia Kinski, daughter of Nastassja, in tow. The doorman said it again. "Not tonight, Brandon. Tonight's not your night." "He was shocked," said the onlooker, who was in line behind Mr. Davis. "This might have been the first time someone has ever told him no." But also: "What the fuck do they care what he says about Lindsay's vagina? The guy's a billionaire."

We're not sure if sins have since been forgiven and Davis allowed back in the club, but for one, shining night on a sidewalk in Hollywood, the message was clear: Slander a good customer's genitalia, and you will receive a time out no matter how much money your relatives have left you. Unless you're a really important person in the industry, in which case: Come on in and we'll make sure we keep that firecrotch on the other side of the room.

• The Transom: L.A. Nights: Paris Hilton and Brandon Davis [NY Observer]

Brian Grazer doesn't seem to be in any hurry to patch things up with his estranged wife, Gigi. The "Da Vinci Code" producer has been cruising the L.A. night with swinging single Steve Bing. They entertained a bevy of young things at Hyde the other night ...

We trust that anyone inclined to use this information to increase their chances of a private, bathroom stall audition doesn't need to be told to suppress the urge to expel a mouthful of Grey Goose upon hearing the pick-up lines, "I can make Opie make you a star," or "Liz Hurley still brags about the way I knocked her up."

• Surveillance (third item) [Rush & Molloy]

Foot-in-mouth rich kid Brandon Davis says he's sorry for his vulgar Lindsay Lohan-bashing tirade in which he joked about her private parts as Paris Hilton laughed her head off. "My behavior on May 16 was inexcusable," Davis says in a statement that sounds like he had some help in writing. "What started out as a joke got completely carried away and I am horrified at the words that came out of my mouth. I consider Lindsay a friend and I hope she accepts my sincere apology for my reprehensible actions last week."

While we can't imagine the words will much sway the courts of public opinion his way, perhaps Davis' "joke getting carried away" defense is worth at least some consideration. As any of the great improvisational comics can tell you, what sometimes starts out as a simple observational riff—say, on the repulsiveness of a "friend's" pubic region—can quickly take on a life of its own. Before you know it, your musings take a turn for the blue, and phrases like, "it fucking smells like diarrhea so fuck off," and "her clitoris is 7-feet long" dance effortlessly off the tongue, fueled by the hysterical cackles of your skank fan club of one.

• MEA CULPA [NY Post]

• Star Catcher LA: Lohan Hits Shag [TMZ.com]

LOBBY GREETER HIP! EXCITING! Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel is looking for individuals with great customer service skills that likes to make people feel welcome. Must be flexible and work different shifts. Part time are considered as well as full time. Willing to train the right person who likes to be around exclusive clientele. Please apply in person at 7000 Hollywood Blvd - Hollywood - CA 90028 or fax 323/466-xxxx EOE - M/F/V/D

We wish good luck to the Roosevelt's management in its endeavor to offer a more welcoming environment for their "exclusive clientele," who'll enjoy the temporary novelty of politeness and respect for a little while, become bored, then eventually run back into the arms of a place willing to stun-gun anyone who looks like they don't fit in, just like the Trop in its guest-abusing heyday.

• LOBBY GREETER [Craigslist]
• Defamer Employment: Tropicana Staffing Up [Defamer]

An insider says Demme is "sending spies to Teddy's to see if any of her former customers are still going there, so she can blackball them." But from where? Demme doesn't have any establishments at the moment, though she's hosting parties at Pure in Las Vegas. Director Ted Demme's widow had a problem with allowing famous underage drinkers to imbibe freely at the bars she ran. Our source snarked, "She can't really work in L.A. anymore - who will give her a liquor license?"

The blackballing idea strikes us as patently ridiculous, as Demme certainly wouldn't expect her patrons to go on the wagon while she looks for a local gig. Once she sets up her velvet rope and gets back to the important work of making sure that every underage starlet in this town has a clean, not-so-well-lighted place where they can get shitfaced in the company of an acceptably exclusive crowd, all regrettable flings with other enablers will be forgiven.

• NONE OF CLUBS [Page Six]

Susan Blackman, a publicist and self-proclaimed "tastemaker" was not impressed by the males on view on a recent Saturday while enjoying cocktails in the cordoned-off VIP area at the Hollywood Ren-Mar Studios.

"There are no hot guys here," the 28-year-old said.

She and a girlfriend then recognized actor Michael Bellisario from the TV show "JAG," in a mesh trucker baseball cap, and rushed to talk to him.

Bellisario, 26, started coming to Xenii parties last June. He said he did not need to pay for membership because [co-owner Rob] Perry "wants Hollywood here. I spread the word."

The Times says that the media attention from the Abdul-related violence has some "in the club scene" wondering if the ten-month old party might be dangerously close to buzz-depleting overexposure, but we think the concept has legs: Unattractive, unconnected men in Hollywood with too much money have long been searching for a prostiution-free way to try and fuck actresses and models without having to go through the time and expense of becoming movie producers.

• Gatsbies and the Wannabes [LAT]

The woman, one of Piven's best friends, apparently was too "tired" to walk to Piven's car after leaving Shag, according to Piven's publicist. Piven, who didn't valet his car, agreed to carry her.

Piven was able to get the young woman safely in his car and drove away.

It seems that Piven's Journey of a Lifetime to India changed him more profoundly than we'd imagined. Not only has he simplified his life by refusing to valet (an open declaration of war on the wasteful Hollywood lifestyle), the Piv cut short his evening to help a friend in need instead of having his assistant stash her in the car, crack a window, and return to the club to help him scout the remaining, still-upright talent.

UPDATE: Several readers, including one who claims to have been at Shag last night, have identified Piven's damsel-in-distress as Las Vegas star Vanessa Marcil, leaving us to wonder if only celebrities are eligible to receive his fireman-carry, club-to-curbside escort services.

[Photo: x17 video on TMZ]

• Piven to the Rescue! [TMZ.com]

The HOTTEST club in Vegas. LADIES FREE on my GUESTLIST!!! RSVP with your FULL name BEFORE 2pm on Friday If you have more than 2 guests, leave another ladies name, and I will add them as well.

Only Ladies names will be put on the list, Dress code will be STRICTLY enforced and as always all entry is at the Doorman's discretion. So come lookin good!

We know that it's common industry practice to try to keep the male-to-female clubgoer ratios skewed vaginaward, but with event promoters so dedicated to luring women into Hayden Christensen's birthday party, it will be almost statistically impossible for his publicist not to snap a picture of her client making out with an off-duty stripper, then leak it to the rags as evidence of his heterosexuality.

• Hayden Christensen's 25th Birthday - Friday @ TAO [MySpace]

"I'm definitely an artist-businesswoman, in the sense that I love to find things I'm passionate about, and make them known to the rest of the world," she said. "I'm a brander, a marketer. I'm an idol maker."

There is a touch of hyperbole to everything about Ms. Demme, and an intensity that is inescapable (though not necessarily the embodiment of Zen). She talks of her pride in making Teddy's "the No. 1 destination spot in the United States," and calls the club "my 'Pulp Fiction.' " ("It was a masterpiece.") Her biography, provided by a publicist, pronounces her "one of the very rare few that can be called an artist, entrepreneur, trendsetter, tastemaker, star maker and connoisseur without any trace of irony or hype." (Perhaps that should read "intended irony.") It observes that she is "an eerily well-rounded person" and "the hub of a wheel of activity that few could possibly appreciate." [...]

After her initial torrent of bravado, Ms. Demme seemed ready to accept some of the criticisms [about how she ran her nightclubs and reasons for bad press]. "My weakness in life, and it's always been my weakness, is I may say something that can be misinterpreted in the moment," she said. "I don't blame the other person, I blame myself. I've gotten better, and I will be even better." [...]

"I'm always going to be Amanda Demme. I'm never going to modify my behavior to work in a man's world," she said. "But I'll learn my lessons, and be a better human being, a better mother and a better friend." She paused. "Maybe," she said, and paused again, "maybe I have to not be so precious on certain things. And pick and choose my battles."

Such feats of humility are much more easily performed in the sanctuary of one's home than while playing gatekeeper at the club; we probably won't see how much preciousness Demme has abandoned until she sets up shop at her next venue. Consider it a bad sign for continuing self-effacement if she anoints her head bouncer "St. Peter" and soberly informs him to separate the "saved" from the "miserable, WB-level wretches" damned to partying at the Brent Bolthouse-sponsored night down the street.

• Rough Dawn for a Nighttime Queen [NY Times]

Just saw Amanda Scheer Demme tearing around the corner at 3rd and Fairfax like a bat out of hell. A few helpless seniors crossing to do some early morning shopping at the Farmers Market were almost roadkilled by the crazed ASD driving a new-ish Mercedes SLK, hair in her face and huge ass sunglasses on—she looks exactly like the picture on Defamer.

Let the motorist beware: With the constant rain and Demme likely in the throes of road rage while she cruises our city's streets in search of talent to lure to her next ultra-exclusive and ever deeper concentric circle of celebrity-fellating nightclub hell, the roads have never been more treacherous.

• Previously: Amanda Scheer Demme: Out At Roosevelt, In At Location TBD [Defamer]

Jennifer Gross, Demme's rep, confirmed that the Roosevelt chose to exercise their right to buy out Demme and run the venues on their own. As to the reasons for Demme's departure, she called Page Six's report "innuendo and hearsay."

And Page Six:

AMANDA Demme may be down, but she's not yet out. Although the Hollywood Roosevelt is booting her and her clubs, Teddy's and the Tropicana, her rep says she's being "bought out" and thus will receive a hefty check for her efforts. Meanwhile, we hear Demme and her business partner, Michael Gruber, have been in talks with Pure in Las Vegas and the W Hotel chain to roll out a chain of Teddy's nationally. Demme's reps didn't return e-mails.

Again, we stress that we're not at all worried that she'll be gone from the scene for long (if at all) while her other deals go through. In the meantime, keep an eye out for her provisional space just outside of Privilege, Amanda Scheer Demme's Bottle Of Peppermint Schapps On A Dirty Cardboard Box Next to Wilmer Valderrama's Escalade.

• ALL DEMME CLUBS [NY Post]
• Hollywood Hot Spot Shut Down [TMZ.com]
• Previously: Amanda Scheer Demme To Be Cast Out Of Her Celebrity-Worshipping Eden? [Defamer]

Our insider said, "The hotel is under a lot of pressure from the city to get Amanda out." Among the complaints:

* Underage drinking: "Every week there is another 18- or 19-year-old like Lindsay Lohan, Kirsten Dunst [Ed. note—Dunst is old enough to get hammered legally, even if Demme is running the bar.] or the Olsen twins in the clubs drinking and getting drunk."

* Noise violations: "Amanda was arrested last year for noise violations."

* The Courtney Love incident: Love left the Tropicana on a stretcher and then an ambulance in what was deemed to be an overdose, although her reps insisted she was just "exhausted."

* Demme's "mistreatment" of hotel guests: Page Six documented Demme turning away hotel guests from the pool area last summer and even forbidding a wedding party to enter, although the bride had been assured she would be able to use the pool.

* Discrimination: Last year, Super Bowl MVP Terrell Davis filed a racial discrimination suit against Demme after she had him booted from Teddy's. He claims she uttered racial epithets. Then, last month, an associate of Demme told Los Angeles magazine that rival club owner Brent Bolthouse would get nowhere now that he was partnered up with "the Jew" [Sam Nazarian].

Even if "the city" is truly less than pleased about the above sins (really, barely an average night at the Trop) and Demme is expelled from her cozy wombs at the Roosevelt, we have a feeling it won't be long before she sets up shop nearby. This is Hollywood, after all, where people will line up by the dozen if someone merely encircles an open manhole with a velvet rope and promises that Linday Lohan had fallen in and died just moments before.

• TOP L.A. CLUBS FACE THE BOOT [NY Post]

David Judaken, who owns Mood, told TMZ Thursday: "Thanks to your investigative reports, we are under investigation by several agencies." Judaken added that since our reports authorities have complimented him on the club's vigilance. He said the woman who was busted Thursday had an exceptionally good fake ID. He said his club has a "zero tolerance policy," adding, "My security doesn't even recognize celebrities or care." It is unclear in the video if Cavallari was carded before entering.

Dubious statements about the club's doormen's inability to spot a infiltrating Lohan or Olsen notwithstanding, we can hardly blame the Mood staff for letting the 17-year-old slip by. Judging from the video of the arrest her "exceptionally good fake ID" was obviously supplemented by the kind of back-up breast work that defies a parental plastic surgery consent form, indicating that she was at least 18 or 19 and could go relatively unnoticed by authorities once inside.

• Bust at Hot Hollywood Club [TMZ.com]
• Previously: Breaking! Underage Stars Party At Hollywood Clubs! [Defamer]

SkyBARK is Downtown L.A. s newest underground spot to relax, have cocktails, talk with friends, mingle, and truly just get the best out of life, not only with your friends, but man s best friends, dogs, as well. The location is phenomenal with a large rooftop deck with beautiful views of the L.A. skyline, a large rooftop doggy night-care area equipped with PETaPOTTYs for your dogs bathroom needs, Hangar 1018 s art gallery, and the PETaPOTTY showroom, the space will seem endless!

Fully committed to replicating the entire Hollywood clubgoing experience for pampered pets, each SkyBark potty stall will be spacious enough for three or four poodles to squeeze in and blow a couple of rails off of a tiny toilet seat, allowing the delighted furry companions to happily return to their owners for hours of mindless barking about their latest Purina commercial auditions.

• SkyBark
• Previously: The Hidden Dangers Of Paradise Ranch [Defamer]

In the mag's profile of powerhouse L.A. nightclub promoter Brent Bolthouse, an anonymous "business associate" of Scheer-Demme, explaining her decision not to pose for a picture with Bolthouse in the magazine, told writer Dave Gardetta, "We just think Bolthouse is so over, now that he's sold out to the Jew." The unidentified Scheer-Demme associate was referring to Sam Nazarian, who recently merged his fast-growing hospitality company SBE with Bolthouse's promotion business.

Called for comment, Scheer-Demme e-mailed Page Six: "Being a proud Jew, and having been a partner of Brent's at one time, I find it hard to believe that anyone I may know or work with would ever make an anti-Semitic comment like that, and I would never tolerate any form of racism or sexism in my company.

"I adore Brent and am friendly with Sam. This just seems to be a carefully worded attempt to provoke animosity, and it makes me upset to hear people talk like that. I am sickened by this statement, as well as by the person (whose article I coincidentally declined to participate in) who printed it in a clear attempt to attach me to it."

To ensure that this bit of nastiness blows over and to avoid retaliation by the Jewish Mafia, Scheer Demme will immediately enforce a "no Christians" policy at ultra-exclusive, A-list hidey-hole Teddy's. Should a Hilton or Lohan try to infiltrate the perimeter, Demme's bouncers will shoot them with tranquilizer darts and dump their limp, bony bodies in front of that evening's Bolthouse-sponsored event.

• SLUR IS TALK OF L.A. CLUB WORLD [NY Post]
• Previously: Jeremy Piven Loves The Nightlife [Defamer]