And right now there is a bit of panic afoot in showbiz, that with a mere 138 days until showtime, the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences still hasn't decided on a helmer for the trophy trot. Nikki Finke reported last week, that last year's host and producer, Hugh Jackman and Bill Condon, are planning not to return to the Kodak stage. The pair's up-market, olde-timey glamour version of the show, gave Oscar its first ratings uptick in seemingly forever; a dramatic break in its long slide into irrelevance. ("What an honor for the Aussie actor" grandma Nikki writes of the of the Academy's desire to bring Jackman back to the show.)

UPDATE: Since the writing of this item, the producers have been named...and they are...Hairspray director Adam Shankman and former Fox CEO Bill Mechanic.)

Every year, Hollywood debates the question of how to update an event that is inherently the stodgiest thing thing on Earth. For starters, the thing that Oscar was conceived to honor — big glitzy prestige films — don't exist anymore, so the show will from now until forever be torn between giving their statues to little independent films that no one saw (and hence, that no one wants to see an awards show celebrating) or trying to find ways to squeeze nods to Dark Knight into a show that will never actually honor such popular films.

And for that matter, what with the media attention span being half a second long these days, if you are talking about movies that came out last year, you might as well be giving a lesson in like, the Cold War or Vietnam or something.

Not to mention — three hours of people in tuxedoes getting trophies and making speeches?!? In the epoch of cat videos!? Is this some kinda of Twilight Zone episode? Is America being punk'd by Oscar?

So what the heck do you do with a still huge but dwindling monstrosity like Oscar? Basically you can embrace the future or deny it, and either route has its merits. Here's our suggestions for the roads Oscar could take:

EMBRACE THE KIWANIS WITHIN
Oscar is never, ever going to win over these kids today, so go with your strength. Lead with the stodgy; you'll play well to your base and once every decade and a half, catch a retro wave. These days the Hollywood establishment is the aging Baby Boom generation, who are bound to actually become cool one of these days.
Host: Billy Crystal
Producer: Jeffrey Katzenberg
Ideal Best Picture Winner: Braveheart
Opening Number: A Rockettes lead a musical tribute to the films of screenwriter Ron Bass, high-stepping to the greatest moments from Rain Man, Snow Falling on Cedars and Dangerous Minds.
Clips Reel: A complete recap of The Today Show reporting the weekend grosses every Monday morning of the past year.
Log Line: This IS your grandfather's Oscars.

DRINK THE GLOBES UNDER THE TABLE
The reason why the Golden Globes have held their own against the declining Oscars is liquor. The dinner setting of the Globes show has traditionally meant well-lubricated winners making some of the more free-wheeling, demented speeches of awards season. Well, two can play at that game. Mandatory tequilla shots and forced picks from the mystery wheel of amphetamines for all attendees.
Host: Jack Nicholson
Producer: Ben Silverman
Ideal Best Picture Winner: Couples Retreat
Opening Number: Stars careen to their seats on a giant Slip 'n Slide placed down the aisle.
Clips Reel: The best moments of buddy comedies, guys who love to laugh with each other.
Log Line: Come and Get It!

POST-MODERN OSCAR
Pander completely to Hoodie Nation with an all self-referential celebration of quirk.
Host: Michael Cera
Producer: Spike Jonze
Ideal Best Picture Winner: (500) Days of Summer
Opening Number: Michael Cera sits on the floor of the Kodak stage listening to the mix tape he has made for an impossibly cool girl featuring acoustic remixes of John Hughes soundtrack songs. As we watch, the audience travels inside a giant movie screen and from the perspective of the Oscar nominated films, we watch Cera go to the movies with the impossibly cool girl, but never get to first base.
Clips Reel: Great Moments in Mentioning Bands During Movies.
Log Line: Oscars? What?

LOGANS RUN
The tweens have taken over entertainment; how long does Oscar think it can hold out anyway? Show Oscar's commitment to staying relevant by terminating the careers of any actor over 35 on live TV.
Host: Vanessa Hudgins
Producer: The Kardashians
Ideal Best Picture Winner: New Moon
Opening Number: 50's style sockhop dance number as George Clooney, Angelina Jolie and all the old people in the audience are loaded onto the original Sputnik rocket and blasted into outer space.
Clips Reel: The progression of Taylor Lautner's abs, from flaccid to six pack.
Log Line: This is on, bitch.

GANGSTA OSCAH
When you get down to it, the Academy is the original original gangsta.
Host: 50 Cent
Producer: P Diddy
Ideal Best Picture Winner: Final Destination 3D
Opening Number: The Kodak Theater is transformed with gold plated chandeliers and stripper pole while a car chase screeches through the lobby, ending in a cataclysmic explosion on stage.
Clips Reel: The history of on-screen bling.
Log Line: Don't Forget Who Brung You.

THE REALITY ACADEMY
Turn the show into a real time competition with bug eating contests, relay races and back stage confessionals.
Host: Ryan Seacrest
Producer: Nigel Lythgoe
Ideal Best Picture Winner: Step Up 2: The Streets
Opening Number: Nominees forced to perform a Polish mazurka, with one catch; one mis-step and the plummet into a tub of a million centipedes — and lose their shot at taking home Oscar.
Clips Reel: Night vision cameras placed in the hotel rooms of the stars while on set reveal secret celebrity hook ups — and a few drunken nights with a key grip or two.
Log Line: Oscar Wild!

THE TMZ OSCARS
Why fight it anymore? Throw down the barricades; let the paparazzi hordes loot and sack the kingdom, enjoy the rush of attention that the train wreck will bring. And whomever is still alive after showbiz has been reduced to smoldering ruins — let them figure out what to do next.
Host: Perez Hilton
Producer: Harvey Levin
Ideal Best Picture Winner: One Night in Paris
Opening Number: Celebrities are vivisected before the audience's eyes, the last remnants of their souls are ripped out and and then eaten, buffet style by the nation as a whole.
Clips Reel: A million Tweets are simultaneously projected directly into viewers' frontal lobes.
Log Line: We're Here.

First of all, trying to take New Jersey Transit at 6pm on a Thursday night when there is also a U2 concert at the Meadowlands is like trying to drive out of New Orleans when a hurricane is coming, except instead of dealing with terrified citizens, you're dealing with excited boozers with no musical taste.

Once inside the sterile confines of the Prudential Center we were greeted by a crowd of girls—big girls, small girls, young girls, old girls, quiet girls, and lots and lots of screaming girls. There were a few gays too. The stage looked similar to the one on television, a protruding arch backed by intricate iron work and a few screens. Missing were the giant stairs and the huge metal pillars that Cat Deeley perches atop in a ridiculous getup and purrs "This is So You Think You Can Dance!"

First we get a taped message from grand Gargamel Nigel Lythgoe with some taped segment of last season's best auditions. It is the first of many taped montages throughout the evening. Finally each dancer from the top 10 is introduced (along with bonus Mouseketeers Philip and Caitlin), the girls scream for each one in succession, but louder for the boys and most loudly for Brandon. This is a trend that will continue. Fifth grade teachers across the tri-state area must have had an easy day today with all the quiet, hoarse girls keeping their voices down.

The opening number is a spectacular with everyone in matching outfits. After wowing the crowd with some serious moves, they all introduce themselves—again. It's like Up with People, but brought to you by Fox and a little bit cooler. And then they start talking. There is a reason why this show is not called So You Think You Can Be a Television Presenter. It's not that anyone is especially bad, but the canned comedy bits are so obviously scripted they seem like they were written by Satan himself for the presenters at the 5674th Annual Golden Pitchforks of Hell Awards. It reminds me exactly of You Can't Do That on Television, minus the slime.

The numbers themselves, well, there are no surprises, because you saw them all during the season already. There is the Bollywood one, the disco one, the robbers one, the cancer one, the ballet, the zombies, the one where Jeanine dances on the table with the water. While we knew exactly what to expect, the great thing is that you finally get to see the movement as the choreographer intended, instead of with the intruding eye of the camera. Instead of zipping around the dancers and giving us a forced perspective on the action, your eye is free to absorb everything on the stage at its own pace. It's a much purer form of experiencing dance.

Between each duo we get some more montages, many of them show us the same clips two and three times, but if we've all seen the dance numbers and the costumes again, then why not just keep repeating. Speaking of repeating, each dancer also gets a short solo, as if they're dancing for their lives. This is our least favorite part of the show, both on TV and live. Except for when Philip, the only one to get an extended solo, gets a standing ovation for popping his wobbly little arms off. When there aren't montages, other dancers are on the stage (wearing official SYTYCD apparel, for sale next to the popcorn and hot dog stands) doing the stupid comedy bits and introducing each other.

The only original bit of comedy had to do with Jeanine and bonus Mouseketeer Phillip, who kept trying to barge on stage doing their abysmal Russian folk dance. Based on nothing we think the two are doing it. Anyway, once they successfully damage our retinas in the second act with their dancing doll routine, it becomes the second of two original group dances. It's not as good as the first.

But a strange thing happened, somewhere between the same old solos, the commercial for the new SYTYCD workout video and Gargamel's Dizzy Feet Foundation message (the exact same one we say at the end of last season): we were overcome with intense emotion. Pride at the little dancers for being so talented that they've made it all the way here, joy at seeing them exhibit their obvious talents onstage, happiness that the kids who we cheered and called and texted for were getting to perform before an audience, and awe that they can do those amazing things with their bodies. That is exactly why we watch the show, and to do it with a stadium full of teary-eyed little girls screaming "I love you Brandon," well, that is not something you can get in your living room.

In national politics, fundamental procedural changes come but once every hundred years or so — the electoral college will likely outlive us all. Whereas with Idol, those citizens who deeply care about the future of their society, the honest, hard working Americans who stay up late speed dialing votes, who devote their families savings to make signs and printing t-shirts for their favorite contestants — all because they dare to dream of passing on a better world to their children— those people now find their America turned on its head, as they see their judiciary shaken up once again with the news that there will now be four judges on American Idol, and one of them will be a comedian.

While it will be for history to decide what the long term effects on our society were, some first thoughts about what this means for the most important show in the history of the world, and why it happened:

• Mixing It Up: At the beginning of last season, Fox's Reality Chief Mike Darnell told me that the challenge of the show from here on in would be constantly finding ways to keep it fresh and surprising in its eighth and ninth seasons, at the point where most TV shows are adopting orphans and relocating the series to Miami in desperate attempts to regain some interest. But that is what shows typically do when they are in free fall towards the bottom. Idol, despite being off its heights, still remains the #1 show in television by a mile and in that position, very few shows are willing to take chances with the basic formula. Say what you will about Fox and Idol, they are not afraid to take risks.

• Judges Rule: In exile from Idol, former showrunner and So You Thing You Can Dance boss Nigel Lythgoe has been offering the opinion that the judges' soap opera has gotten so carried away it is eclipsing the contestants. Last season, many Idol watchers were dismayed by how much the hi-jinx at the judges table sapped gobs of attention from the performers. And off-stage, every week the headlines were dominated by another judges story. It is Lythgoe's view that the show lives or dies on the strength of its contestants, not by the soap opera on the floor — which with four judges had become a monster. When Paula departed it was the hope of many that this would be used as an opportunity to deflate the panel back to its original size. It was not to be.

• Tivo Alert: Last season, the pile-up at the judges table caused the show to run over almost every week. Most egregiously, Adam Lambert's finest performance of the season, Mad World, was not seen by Tivo viewers. Despite howls of complaints it seemed impossible to rein in the judges. The addition of another judge who is already a star, with a very healthy ego of her own who will no doubt want to make sure her points get heard, will not help this cause.

• Nice Lives: Comedian though she is, Ellen has been the BFF to many an Idol contestant, having them all on her show and supporting each and every one. Likely, she has been thought of as one who will bring this caring concern to the cold-hearted panel.

• Quip-o-Rama: It has been said that this will bring a different element to the Idol judiciary, namely comedy. But in fact, that has more or less been Simon Cowell's function, providing just the right metaphorical one-liner to explain why a performance sucked. It's not like he provides serious musical instruction. Will the judging now become the equivalent of a Friar's Club roast?

Certainly, Ellen DeGeneres has been around the block in entertainment. But this is no little ABC sitcom, this is no Oscar telecast with Bruce Villanch there to back you up; this is American Idol and Ellen has just graduated from AAA baseball to the Indy 500. How she fares will depend very much though, not just on talent, but how seriously she takes the sacred responsibility that has been thrust upon her. History waits to judge.

On Monday, she told Barbara Walters she "begged producers" not to let Paula Goodspeed, who had been sending her scary letters for close to 18 years, into the audition room. It was a request producers responded to in typical fashion. ("Do you enjoy your job here, Paula? It would be a shame if something were to happen to it, don't you think? And what might become of your Forever My Girl trinket-belt sales if you were to go back to being a nobody? What's that? You agree? Yes, we thought you might. Now bring in the nice stalker girl! We have some Idol disaster-week magic to make here and the day's not getting any shorter, people!")

Asked to weigh in on the controversy, former Idol EP Nigel Lythgoe (you might remember him from this montage of lightly racist sassisms delivered on the set of So You Think You Can Dance) demonstrated the deep wells of sympathy that characterize all competitive reality show producers:

"You do not take somebody in that room that you believe is a danger to herself or a danger to Paula," Nigel Lythgoe told PEOPLE... "That would not enter our heads.

"The very fact that this happened, I'm really sad for her family," said Lythgoe. "It happened about four weeks ago. For it to come back four weeks later, I'm really sad we're still talking about it."

"[Goodspeed] had been through an audition process with the producers, an audition process with the executive producers, and we were wheeling her in as a huge fan of Paula Abdul," Lythgoe said. "This is what we knew: She was a great fan, she was a lovely girl. And a great fan of Paula."

Lythgoe added: "We've seen over 700,000 contestants. And one has made a terrible, terrible mistake. If you're an odds man, they are great odds."

Don't clutter up his head with questions regarding disturbed individuals who'd demonstrated time and again why they might be a threat to his employees and themselves. That was a whole four weeks ago! We'll just have to take Lythgoe's word that Goodspeed was "wheeled in" as a huge fan of Paula's—not particularly the most sensitive choice of phrasing, mind you, when you consider she left the same way.

• Paula Abdul Lashes Out at Idol Producers [People]