Ok!
"He's Mine!"
The story is called "Crazy In Love." "After months of steamy, no-strings-attached hookups" Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer "have decided what they want to be to each other: Full time lovers." Jen "had an epiphany" and realized that "not every romantic connection needs to lead to marriage." Although she's "vowed" to get pregnant by her 41st birthday, she doesn't want to pressure John. But she does want him to be the father of her child. Also: Jen's "secret pain" is that her dog, Norman, is sick; he's got joint stiffness and trouble walking, so Jen got him a masseuse. In addition, he eats organic white meat chicken and organic rice. Next: Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake are ready to reunite. JT turned to Cammie to get advice about his "crumbling" relationship with Jessica. LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian want to start a family, even though they're not planning on getting married. In a random interview with Paris Hilton, she's asked about Jon Gosselin, she says: "I don't know why anyone would care. He just seems like a hungry tiger going through a mid-life crisis." A tiger? Maybe she saw his Ed Hardy jeans and got confused. Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner are planning a romantic rendez-vous, but a friend of Swift's says: "It's so funny: They're both household names, but they both have to check with their parents before going on vacation together."
Grade: D- (dying for a cult)

Life & Style
"Kim: I'm Having A Baby."
Talk about cover lies: Kim Kardashian is NOT pregnant. Inside, the mag says: "If all goes according to plan, Kim WILL be pregnant by next October." Next: Are Joel Madden and Nicole Richie married? An insider says the story is 100% false. No secret ceremony! In the "Countdown To New Moon" story, this sentence is key: "With fewer than 20 days until the sequel's release on Nov. 20, bloodthirsty fans are working themselves into a frenzy — and the cast is ready to bite back!" Oh! Rumor Vs. Truth: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are not engaged. But they are dating. They're staying on the same floor of the Sheraton Vancouver Wall Center, but they have separate 2 bedroom suites. Moving along… "How Britney Got Her Best Body Ever" is a tie-in to the cover line, "Easy Fat Burning Tricks." Guess what these tricks are? She's getting 8 hours of sleep a night, drinking a ton of water, eating three normal meals a day. And! She's doing 800 to 1000 crunches a day. Here's Sharon Osbourne on Karl Lagerfeld, who recently said "No one wants to see curvy women." She says: "I have a really good plastic surgeon that could help him out with his face. My god he's ugly." Angelina Jolie has a "deep-seated fear of hugging." She told a British mag: "A handshake is all I can handle from people who aren't close to me." An insider says: "Angelina doesn't like her personal space to be invaded. She just has to have it on her terms. She has to decide who will hug or kiss her, and when." Um, that sounds reasonable? Uncertainly and stress about Justin Timberlake are making Jessica Biel drop pounds. The reason? "After more than two years, Justin still hasn't put a ring on it." Also, the mag points out: "Her butt's vanished." (See image 7.) The "Surprising Celebrity Couples" box includes Halle Berry and Donny Wood, Brad Pitt and Christina Applegate, and a picture of a kitten and a chick. (See image 8.) Gisele Bunchen is having a girl, and will decorate the nursery in cream and seafoam green. Victoria Beckham picked her son up from school wearing a $18,726 outfit. (See image 9.) Lastly, in an interview with Amber Riley, aka Mercedes from Glee, she says: "You're not your dress size. You're not your shoe size. You're not your pants size. If I'm going to wear a name tag, it's going to say 'Amber Riley," not 'Fat Girl.'"
Grade: D- (marrying a cult member)

Us
"How Love Saved Britney."
Britney Spears and Jason Trawick went on vacation in Mexico with Brit's dad and her kids. Jason and Britney are really getting along: Brit's dad loves him, Brit's mom loves him and everything is great. Moving on: Michael Lohan flew out to be with Lindsay Lohan after her home was robbed, but he had a photographer with him. Lindsay tells the mag: "There was a paparazzi with him. It's just like, can't you be a father behind closed doors without cameras? I wish he would shut up." And about those reports that Michael wants to kidnap Lindsay and get her into rehab, LL says: "He's the one who needs to see someone — for his addiction to the media." Lindsay also says: "Everything is good. I'm in a good place." Paris Jackson has been wearing a small key on a chain around her neck; it fits into a locket that was placed on Michael Jackson's body as it was interred. Sad. Nadya Suleman lost 145 pounds by doing midnight workouts. And giving birth to 8 kids. In Gosselin "news," with mommy and daddy arguing, the kids are suffering: Mady has been getting into trouble at school for name-calling. The kids try to see how much they can get away with. The sextuplets talk back more, hit more — the boys especially. And: "When Mady gets off the school bus, she'll drop her bag at Jon's feet and walk past without a hello," says a source. "Jon yells at her, but she doesn't seem to care. I think she picked that skill up from Kate." Want details of Khloe Kardashian's prenup? The mag provides a handy chart. (See image 10.) We sorta love this quote from Taylor Swift: "In high school, Halloween seemed like an excuse for all the girls to take off their clothes. My best friend and I decided to go against the trend." She was Chewbacca! (See image 11.)
Grade: D (joining a cult )

In Touch
"Baby Joy." Here's what we learned from Kendra: "Well, a lot of it is TMI. But I was reading a baby book that said right now your breasts are going to leak. And I freaked. So then I was experimenting and I squeezed my boob and stuff came out. I screamed. I felt like a cow!" Next: Angelina promised Brad she would take a break from movies, but she's gone back on her word and signed on for lead role in The Tourist. THAT HUSSY. A "friend" says: "Pretending to be someone else for 14 hours a day makes her problems feel less real." Kate Gosselin's BFF Jamie Cole Ayers has "replaced" Jon as Kate's companion and is "making her happier than Jon ever did." A "pal" says: "They love going out for coffee and girl talk. And sometimes they'll even have sleepovers." Sometimes they fall asleep in the same bed, and "are as close as two women can be." And since they were seen holding hands, OMG are they LESBIANS?!?! An "associate" says: "They're very fond of each other, almost like sisters. They're close enough to hold hands or take a nap together… But it's a platonic love." In an "In Touch Intervention," there are letters to Lindsay and the headline is "We Don't Want You To Die." The letters are from Michael Lohan, Courtenay Semel, and one of the intervention leaders from the show Intervention. This should have been the cover story! They wrote "heart-wrenching" letters to the mag, hoping LL would read them. Michael Lohan's letter calls LL honey four times in two paragraphs. (See image 14, with highlighting by Margaret.) Here's a snippet: "I have held your vacant body in my arms, felt the tears fall down our faces, and I tried every way to make you see what is happening to you." Also inside: Katie Holmes' parents are begging her to come home to Ohio. An insider says: "She used to be so bubbly and positive… The spark is gone." Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are looking for an apartment in Manhattan. Even though John already owns an apartment in Manhattan. He's moving his stuff into her place in LA, and they're looking for a place to share in NYC. Her rep, naturally, denies this story. T.R. Knight has broken up with his boyfriend of almost two years, Mark Cornelsen, but there are no hard feelings. Lastly: "Is This What 17 Looks Like?" calls out Taylor Lautner and Taylor Momsen who are "growing up too fast."
Grade: D+ (getting married by a cult leader)

Star
"Nicole & Joel: Married!"
Nicole Richie and Joel Madden supposedly got married on October 14th, in their home — along with 45,000 other people — as part of a mass wedding by the Unification Church. No, really. A source says after DJ AM died, Nicole didn't want to spend another day not being Mrs. Joel Madden. While the Reverend Sun Myoung Moon wed bunch of people in South Korea, Nicole and Joel were watching it on the internet with a justice of the peace who was translating and marrying them! To celebrate, two days later, Nicole and Joel went to Teddy's with Benji Madden and Samantha Ronson. Nicole was sitting on Joel's lap and people were congratulating them. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan flew to LA for her court date, but immediately went out partying. She was seen cuddling with Balthazar Getty — and left with him at 1:30am. When she showed up at court the next morning, she had "angry welts" on her arms — "tell-tale signs of cutting herself." (See image 12). After leaving court, she wanted to celebrate not having to go to jail, so she went to Teddy's and got so smashed that she left slumped in the backseat of someone's car. She went back to the same club the next night and kept going up to the DJ booth, where Samantha Ronson was spinning, and an eyewitness says: "Lindsay had circles under her eyes and looked like she hadn't showered in days." Oooh, George Clooney "Knifestyles"! A plastic surgeon who does not treat the Cloons thinks he had Botox, upper and lower eyelid surgery, and filler in his smile lines. (See image 13.) In an exclusive interview with Levi Johnston, the mag asks about him posing for Playgirl: "Are we going to see the full monty?" And Levi says: "I don't know. I'm going to decide that on the fly. I want to keep it classy." This piece has lots of stuff you never wanted to know about him toning up his ass, his manscaping and his "dream job," which is "maybe getting into acting." Kill me now. Next, the mag claims that Mary-Kate Olsen's boyfriend, Nate Lowman, proposed to her while they were on vacation in Paris. The ring was hidden in a truffle box. Katie Holmes gave James Van Der Beek Cameron Diaz's email address, and Dawson and Cammie have been "cyberflirting." Blind item: "Which dancing hunk would rather be doing the mambo with a guy? Though publicly straight, he's been carrying on an affair with a man for years, and he intends to keep it secret." CoughDonnieOsmond?Cough. Penelope Cruz will have a cameo in Sex And The City 2 as the CEO of an international company — Carrie with catch Mr. Big flirting with her character. At an event last week in New York, Madonna confessed to a partygoer that she's become so self conscious about her veiny hands, she'll wear gloves even when it's not cold out. Kelly Rutherford was at a party in NY where the staff was handing out Godiva chocolates; Kelly would smell them, lick them, then put them down, so as not to ruin her diet. Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen are fighting over where their baby will be delivered; Gisele wants to give birth in Brazil, surrounded by her family; Tom's football season won't be over so he wants her to do it in L.A. and just fly the family to California. Kate Gosselin accidentally left her diary out on her nightstand and now thinks that Jon stole it. Apparently she misses the good sex she and Jon used to have, hates her body and hates Joy Behar for asking her tough questions on The View. (Not only do we not believe she left her diary out, we don't believe she has a diary.) David Boreanaz is a "serial cheater" who allegedly has been hooking up with a NYC event planner. Jodie Sweetin says that when she did her last round of interviews about getting off of drugs, she was on drugs. But now she says "I'm tired of lying." She's shilling a memoir, UnSweetined, though she's been sober less than a year. And she says: "life isn't like a Full House episode. Uncle Jesse isn't going to come into that courtroom and convince the judge to rule in my favor by singing a Beach Boys song... But that's life, and I think I'm finally starting to get it." Lastly: Jessica Biel was so upset about the rumors involving Rihanna and Justin that she flew to NYC to confront Rihanna. But friends say Rihanna is "an honest, upfront person" who has nothing to hide and said she'd show Jessica the pictures of Justin she had on her BlackBerry. But! They never met up.
Grade: C- (listening to The Cult)

Aufdenkamp has been called Lohan's "main gay," though at one point he told Hollywood gossip Perez Hilton he was straight. What the tabloids agree on: He's a bad influence whom Lohan's friends blame for her relapses.

Like Lohan, Aufdenkamp has a Twitter account. And his tweets, leaked by a helpful tipster, seem to confirm tabloid reports that Lohan has been out partying with friends. (Lohan has denied reports that she was downing Grey Goose, claiming she was drinking a vitamin-laced nutraceutical cocktail instead.)

Update: This email just came in:

i don't know if this email is going to the right place but i have received a few messages on my facebook with a link to your article that is stating that my twitter page was revealed. i don't have one and i would appreciate it if you could take down the article. I'm trying to get the twitter page removed. if you have any questions now or in the future please, just email me. thank you. thank you.
Patrick.

So it may just be another crazy prank in the Lohansphere section of the Twitterverse — like the time a dude in Michigan registered an account in the name of Lohan's mom Dina.

If it's a prank, it's a well-done one: The Aufdenkamp account's tweets are mostly banal. But we find this interesting: At the same time that he's directing smiley faces to Lohan's private "sevinnyne" account, he's also making nice with Samantha Ronson on Twitter, even after she changed the locks on her ex-lover. Another Twitter correspondent of Aufdenkamp: Nicole Richie, who's said to have dissed Lohan, Mean Girls-style, at a party at the Chateau Marmont.

Here are Aufdenkamp's purported secret Twitter messages:

This morning on The View, Elisabeth Hasselbeck was all bent out of shape about Phelps' bong hit, giving the tired spiel about how he's a role model and he's setting a bad example, blah blah blah. She went on to claim that since he's willing to use illegal drugs to have a good time, maybe he's open to using illegal drugs to advance his career, as though weed is a gateway drug to steroids or something. Whoopi shot her down pretty quickly, and admitted to enjoying pot.

Elisabeth's argument hinged on the fact that Phelps accepts money to endorse products. One of those is Rosetta Stone, the language-learning software, which is just about one of the most sedentary activities a stoner could enjoy, aside from watching The Wizard of Oz on mute while playing The Dark Side of the Moon. (I should know, since I've been using the program to learn Spanish.) His other sponsors, like Omega and Speedo, totally don't give a shit.

And they shouldn't, because it's silly — in my opinion, anyway — to pass judgment on those who take part in something as innocuous as pot smoking, which many believe is lot less harmful for one's body than alcohol. Besides, despite the fact that it's technically illegal, so many people smoke weed recreationally that it's not all that taboo. Here's a list of celebrities who have either been caught smoking marijuana, or admit willingly to doing so.

Woody Harrelson



Woody is an activist for the legalization of marijuana and hemp.

Willie Nelson



So is Willie Nelson.

Frances McDormand



Frances McDormand was on the cover of High Times in May 2003, in which she said, "I'm a recreational pot-smoker. There has never been enough of a distinction between marijuana and other drugs. It's a human rights issue, a censorship issue, and a choice issue."

Seth Rogen & James Franco



The pair stared in Pineapple Express together, and shared this maybe real/maybe fake joint on stage while presenting an award during the MTV Movie Awards last summer.

Cameron Diaz & Drew Barrymore



Also friends who share.

Justin Timberlake



Timberlake, who used to date Diaz, has been very open about how he smokes weed, sometimes even with is mother. He also admitted that he was stoned out of his mind when he was Punk'd by Ashton Kutcher.

Kimora Lee Simmons



Kimora Lee Simmons took one of the stoniest mugshots after she was arrested in 2004 for possession.

Nicole Richie



Nicole admitted to having smoked pot, as well as taking a Vicodin, when she was arrested for a DUI charge in 2007.

Paris Hilton



Nicole's buddy Paris' reefer madness has been well documented.

Michelle Phillips



Former singer from The Mamas & The Papas said as recently as 2001 that, "Marijuana should definitely be legalized. I think we should let everyone smoke it without fear of being thrown in jail. It's the greatest drug in the world!"

Snoop Dogg



Duh.

Redman



We'll be here all day if we start listing rappers.

Lil Wayne



But we'll mention Wayne for good measure.

Mariah Carey



Mariah is such a goody-two-shoes that she'd never publicly admit to marijuana use, but on her most recent album, she made plenty of weed references.

Charlize Theron



Academy Award winners like their weed, too.

AARP



In the summer of 2005, the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) hosted a smoke-in to promote the legalization of marijuana. Celebrities that participated: Willie Nelson, Woody Harrelson (obvs), Bette Midler, Santana, Chicago, David Crosby and Graham Nash, Rod Stewart, The New Jefferson Starship, Tony Orlando, Ringo Starr, Tommy Chong, Snoop Dogg, and Robert Downey Jr.

Matthew McConaughey



When McConaughey gets loose, he does so with bongos.

Dionne Warwick



Her work with Burt Bacharach was way too mellow to not be under the influence.

Whitney Houston & Bobby Brown



They've got "Something in Common."

Sarah Silverman



Sarah speaks favorably about weed in her act, and smoked with Doug Benson in his movie Super High Me.

Doug Benson



Comedian Doug Benson has centered much of his career around pot.

Oliver Stone



He has the perfect name for someone who's been busted for pot on numerous occasions.

Dawn Wells



Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island was arrested last year for possession.

Dave Chappelle

The Pointer Sisters



Oliver Hudson tells a story about his first concert-going experience, during which the Pointer Sisters were getting blazed.

Paul Dinello



It's hard to watch this Strangers With Candy clip about smoking pot without thinking that writer/actor Paul Dinello believes what he is saying.

Barbra Streisand



In a 1972 Rolling Stone interview, Babs said, "I'd take out a joint and light it. First, just faking it. Then I started lighting live joints, passing them around to the band, you know. I was great, it relieved all my tensions. And I ended up with the greatest supply of grass ever. Other acts up and down the Strip heard about what I was doing - Little Anthony and the Imperials, people like that - and started sending me the best dope in the world. I never ran out."

Phelps Backed by Sponsors After Marijuana Photo [TCPalm]
Elisabeth Hasselbeck disses Michael Phelps; Whoopi Goldberg: 'I have smoked weed' [EW]

This week, the mags are about 90 percent celebrity weight loss stories and 10 percent entirely made up cover stories about stars who might get married, reproduce, or not reproduce in 2009. Below, we pick out the small bits of gossip sprinkled like confetti throughout the pages of Ok!, Us, Life & Style, In Touch and Star.









Us
It's unclear why the mag describes the 28 pages of blathering about celebrity diets as a "bonus" on the cover, since that makes up almost the entire issue. Here's some New Year's Eve advice: If you want to look like Britney or Jennifer Aniston just start eating fish ... and doing two hours of yoga per day. Elisabeth Hasselbeck is a "baby weight winner" because she lost 20 lbs by obsessively working out and insisting she has celiac disease. Hef once told Kendra from The Girls Next Door that she was getting fat and suggested she hit the gym. Charming. Here's some actual gossip: After a W magazine photo shoot with model Jesus Luz, Madonna invited the 20-year-old to a party in Brazil where they kissed, hugged, and danced until 5:30am, when they both retired to Madge's hotel room. A source says, "she goes after the youngest, hottest thing around," so it looks like 33-year-old A-Rod is out. Is Drew Barrymore dating Jason Segel? Segel's rep says they're just friends, but at the very least they're friends who make out at Chateau Marmont.
Grade: F (Standing out in the snow for hours to see the ball drop)

Ok!
Brad "longs to hold another infant" but Ok! theorizes that since Angie reportedly developed preeclampsia and gestational diabetes and had two emergency C-sections, having another biological child would be risky. Brad will have to settle for holding the two six-month-old babies he has at home or the African infant he is possibly adopting. Next: In an interview with the mag Alanis Morisette reveals that she lost 20 lbs by following a vegan diet. The mag says realizing she had gained weight was harder for Alanis to swallow than a "Jagged Little Pill." Sigh. Sort of moving on: Even more diet tips! Ok! suggests if you want to look like the stars you should become a professional dancer like Julianne Hough, breastfeed and have six kids like Angie, or get some plastic surgery like Heidi Montag. We finish with 12-pages of 2009 horoscopes. They advise that if you're a cancer, "the stork could drop by for a visit, especially after October 29." So should we be looking for a baby bump on cancers Ashley Tisdale, Meryl Streep, and Harrison Ford?
Grade: F+ (Having to watch a few minutes of Ryan Seacrest to see the ball drop on TV)

Life & Style
The cover claims they have the first photos of Bronx Mowgli, but it's just that picture Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz put online a few days ago. False advertising! Next up, brace yourselves: George Clooney went to dinner with Paris Hilton two nights in a row and an insider says "they definitely plan to get together in the new year." Paris's new BFF came on both "dates" and Ridley Scott and Marvel studios chairman David Maisel were in attendance for the second dinner, so we're hoping for George's sake this was just business. Moving on: K-Fed didn't want to let the boys visit Britney on various stops during her upcoming tour, so Brit invited Kevin to join them. The pair did fall in love on tour, but a friend points out that Kevin's relationship with his bowling teammate is getting pretty serious. Mandy Moore and DJ AM split up again. Finally, the best celebrity weight loss story of the week: "Obama Shapes Up to Be President." An Obama insider describes how the future president shed a few pounds by not having to eat "corn dogs at the Iowa State Fair or ribs in Austin, Texas," like he did on the campaign trail. Yes, there is a shirtless before and after picture. (Fig. 1)
Grade D- (Noisemaker-induced temporary deafness)

Star
Nicole Richie is planning on conceiving a second child, so like most moms-to-be she's taking pre-natal vitamins, dropping her intense vegan diet, and sketching maternity clothes she'll have made for herself. In other news, Katie Holmes spent her 30th birthday alone because Tom Cruise was away promoting Valkyrie. Katie is stressed and exhausted (as evidenced by a cold sore on her lip) because Tom nixed a ladies-only spa weekend with her mom and girlfriends. Next: Angelina Jolie's long-time bodyguard Michey Brett quit recently because he clashed with Brad, and now he's threatening to write a tell-all book. Judging from his revelation that Brad and Angie forced him to buy them supplies from a sex shop, including "kinky rubber suits and face masks," it's going to be a good read. Moving on: Anne Hathaway has been dating boyfriend Adam Shulman for a few months, which clearly means they'll be getting married in 2009. Star thinks Anne is trying to send secret messages about her impending wedding because her most recent projects are Rachel Getting Married, Bride Wars, and the upcoming film The Fiance. Blind Item: Which Disney heartthrob better pass next time someone offers him a puff? The teen's taste for pot has become a real problem on the set of his latest project. Finally, some celebrities have hideous physical flaws that the editors of Star would like to point out to you. Victoria Beckham had some gunk in her ear, Kelly Rowland forgot to shave her armpits once before hitting the red carpet, and J.Lo has some back fat. How dare they.
Grade: D (Champagne headache)

In Touch
Jen and Angelina are in a made-up race to the altar, which means the mag has to plan two made-up weddings! Jen is going to make it a classy affair by borrowing Girls Gone Wild host Joe Francis's Mexican villa for a spring wedding. Angie wants her fake wedding to be smaller and will wed in September at Chateau Miraval with only family in attendance. Moving on: In Touch has an exclusive interview with Tori Spelling called, "How I got my bikini body back" which we did not read because it involves photos of a bikini-clad Spelling making sexy faces and we had to turn the page. In the requisite article about Jessica Alba losing the baby weight they use a photo of her pregnant for the "before" and the photoshopped Campari ad for the "after." Ha! Next up: OMG. "Is Oprah too hung up on Obama?" Oprah's friendship with the president-elect is described as "oddly close" and there is a sidebar pondering if Stedman and Michelle might be jealous. A psychiatrist who doesn't treat anyone involved says Stedman and Michelle "likely realize they can't relate to Oprah and Barack on a certain level because the pals share the "loneliness-at-the-top syndrome, which could draw them closer." Finally, "Hollywood's hooked on hookers." This article is like a three page blind item, with both gay and straight prostitutes recounting their adventures with anonymous A-list stars. We most want to know the identity of the straight "manly man" whose dominatrix invited gay porn star Nick Capra to her "dungeon" to see how far she could make her celebrity "slave" go.
Grade: D+ (Confetti in your underwear)

Fig. 1

Barker has burns on his torso and lower body and Goldstein has burns on his arm and part of his head, Mullins said. (Mullins would not say the percentage of their bodies that were burned or whether they were conscious. He also did not go into detail about the type of treatment they are currently receiving.)

According to People, a blown tire is being blamed for the accident:

"The cockpit voice recorder went on for two hours, but the last 18 minutes were most pertinent, because those words proved that it was a tire blowout that [may have] caused the crash killing four people," Debbie Hersman, board member of the National Transportation Safety Board in Washington, D.C., tells PEOPLE.

"After getting their clearance from Air Traffic Control, the plane only got 80 knots on the 8,600-foot runway before the incident," she said.

...The crew tried to abort takeoff, the recording stated, and there were many background and impact sounds on the tape. The voice tapes from the control tower were equally revealing.

"The Air Traffic Control tapes stated that they gave the crew clearance to depart, as well as the wind speeds," said Hersman, who is in Columbia with 11 other investigators from the NTSB.

"The tapes went on to say they saw sparks and heard the crew on the plane explaining that they were going off of the runway," she said.

One of the victims was Chris Baker, Barker's assistant, though initial rumors that said the jet was chartered so that he could fly back to his pregnant wife's bedside have been proven false. Barker's ex-wife, Shanna Moakler, and AM's ex-girlfriend, Mandy Moore, have flown to the men's bedsides.

We'll keep you updated, but hopefully, things will only get better from here.

[Photo Credit: AP]

• 4 Killed In Small Plane Crash: DJ AM And Travis Barker Critically Injured [HuffPo]

Andy Dick, comedian

How drunk: Groping minors, getting arrested — classic Andy Dick, basically.

Latest: Nabbed by the police in Murrieta, California for drug use, posession of marijuana and Valium and for sexual assault after Dick grabbed a 17-year-old's breasts at 2am outside (sigh) "Buffalo Wild Wings Grill & Bar."

Outlook: Given his long and distinguished track record, a relapse is virtually guaranteed.

Low point: Beaten up at the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles in July 2007 by fellow comedian Jon Lovitz, who blamed him for the death of comedian Phil Hartman since Dick allegedly sold cocaine to Hartman's wife, a recovering addict, before she killed Hartman.

Jessica Simpson, singer

How drunk: Drunk at lunch, but not drunk driving.

Latest: Perhaps distraught at pictures of ex-flame John Mayer with actress Jennifer Aniston, Simpson last week went on a four-hour margarita binge at LA's Mexicali Cocina Cantina that ended with her friend puking under the table and Simpson abandoning her car.

Outlook: Her clean track record offers hope this was an isolated boozing, but she needs to get over Mayer.

Low point: The restaurant thing. Simpson was once a goody two-shoes, having started singing in a Baptist church before transitioning to harmless teen pop. She remained a virgin prior to her first marriage.

Amy Winehouse, singer

How drunk: Epically.

Latest: Thinks her home is inhabited by ghosts; caught smoking crack or something on video; punched, headbutted and stiffed three different people over the course of a single night; has a skin condition associated with crack addicts.

Outlook: Will probably deteriorate until she runs out of money or comes, somehow, closer to death. Rumors continue to circulate she'll seek treatment abroad, for example in Israel or South Africa. Whatever — these reports have been floated repeatedly in recent months and have yet to pan out.

Low point: Probably whatever is in the British tabloids on any given morning. Has had major issues at least since she's been famous. Her first U.S. hit was called "Rehab," after all.

Drew Barrymore, actress

How drunk: Engagement-breakingly, allegedly.

Latest: Dumped by actor Justin Long (whom she reportedly planned to marry) after he "got tired of having to help Drew to the car at the end of the night," according to the National Enquirer. After battling drugs and alcohol as a child star, Barrymore thought she had things under control.

Outlook: Decent: Continues to work, and normally tends to keep herself out of the tablouds.

Low point: Entering rehab at age 14, having already snorted cocaine.

Mischa Barton, actress

How drunk: Problematically.

Latest: Pled no contest to drunk driving charges dating to December, got three years probation and mandatory alcohol-education classes.

Outlook: Decent. Has largely avoided the tabloids save for the December incident. Recently declined to join the case of Gossip Girl to work on another project, so apparently staying (soberly) busy.

Low point: Puked in the street last year while partying with celebrity friends Kirsten Dunst and Jamie-Lynn Sigler.

Kirsten Dunst, actress

How drunk: Not? Rehabbed and hopefully not backsliding, despite that one rumor.

Latest: Dragged All Good Things co-star and rumored boyfriend Ryan Gosling to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, a recovery no-no. Is fresh out of two-month rehab stint in April.

Outlook: Decent chance of a relapse. She's 26 with no kids or long term relationship, and with one hell of a track record.

Low point: When so many anonymous tipsters emailed us about her getting drunk around New York that we had to run a special report.

Scott Weiland, singer

How drunk: Problematically.

Latest : The bipolar Stone Temple Pilots frontman served a 10-hour prison term earlier this month for a November drunk driving incident, his second in five years.

Outlook: Worrisome. With a wife of eight years and two children, hopefully the drunk driving incident was just a rocker's aberration, but it was his second in five years.

Low point: A two-month drug binge with Courtney Love in a hotel in 1998. Runners-up: Convicted of buying crack in 1995 and of driving drunk in 2003.

Eva Mendes, actress

How drunk: Menacingly, but supposedly all better.

Latest: Checked herself into the Cirque Lodge rehab facility in Utah in January to "privately attend to some personal issues."

Outlook: Bad. Has taken a movie role playing a Spanish drug lord in Queen of the South. This could mean the rehab stint was just method acting; more likely the drug lord role will do to Mendes what Less Than Zero did to Robert Downey Jr.

Low point: The recent rehab. No history of erratic behavior, unless you count posing topless in Italian Vogue.

Sean Young, actress

How drunk: Freshly rehabbed as of February.

Latest: Completed a sting in rehab earlier this year after being ejected from a Hollywood awards ceremony for bad behavior.

Outlook: Poor, due to a history of emotional volatility and bizarre behavior. According to Wikipedia, her role in Wall Street was reduced due to fights with Oliver Stone; she was sued by actor James Woods for harassment; she unsuccessfully tried to win a role on Batman Returns by confronting the director in a homemade Catwoman costume; she was fired from the movie Dick Tracy. Her last marriage ended in 2002.

Low point: Heckled director Julian Schnabel during his speech at the Director's Guild of America awards in January. Believed to be intoxicated, she was escorted out.

Justin Chambers, actor and former model

How drunk: Not. Finally getting rested after a recent hospital stay.

Latest: Checked himself into UCLA Medical Center with what he said was a sleep disorder. But after his discharge, was spotted passing out and acting bizarrely at the Village Pub in Palm Springs.

Outlook: Good, if you make the difficult assumption he's telling the truth about his sleep disorder and that reports he was only drinking non-alcoholic beer at the pub are true.

Low point: The Village Pub incident.

Miley Cyrus, singer and actress

How drunk: At 15, has possibly never been drunk. Then again, maybe there is something to these pictures of her stumbling out of a club in Hollywood.

Latest: Her scandalous, topless-except-for-a-sheet photo spread in Vanity Fair, obviously. Also, she keeps emailing underwear pictures to her boyfriend, which somehow end up online. None of which indicates she is on a path toward drinking or addiction, just that she is growing up and clearly ready to move beyond her goody-goody image on the TV show Hannah Montana.

Outlook: Very good. But the relentless pressure from Disney to never grow up could finally make her snap.

Low point: Vanity Fair incident.

Kate Moss, model

How drunk: Modestly, and only via booze. Yay!

Latest: On the one hand, she's reportedly engaged to be married, practicing yoga and tending to her fashion line. On the other, she looked scary and strung out in the last of these February pictures, and sometimes will randomly go without underwear. In March, she had a "boozy lunch" in Paris and then licked her boyfriend's neck.

Outlook: Good. She's avoided any public cocaine relapses over the past three years, though clearly drinks sometimes. She should be further grounded by continuing to raise her daughter, six, and by a reported engagement to guitarist Jamie Hince.

Low point: In 2005, was famously photographed by British tabloid the Daily Mirror snorting cocaine at a recording session for Babyshambles, band of her junkie boyfriend Pete Doherty. She was subsequently dropped by both Chanel and Burberry and entered rehab.

Courtney Love, singer

How drunk: Epically.

Latest: Despite recently handing out sobriety advice to Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears and declaring herself rehabbed, Love was spotted in London this spring looking drunk and carrying copious prescription drugs, which she has abused in the past.

Outlook: Poor. Love insists she's reformed but somehow few people are convinced.

Low point: So many to choose from! Probably the time she thought she was going to die so her hangers-on, according to Love, stole $20 million.

Lindsay Lohan, actress (at one point, apparently)

How drunk: Constantly, visibly and criminally.

Latest: Accused of stealing someone else's fur coat from a nightclub. Also recent: getting plastered with her girlfriend at Hawaiian Tropic Club, falling limply while trying to get into a car outside a Hollywood.

Outlook: Surprisingly pretty good. She's getting good report cards on the set of her new movie, and is a newly minted femme lesbian.

Low point: When walking medicine cabinet Courtney Love told her she really needed to shape up. Also: five car incidents in three years, including one where she was alleged to have been chasing someone in her car while drunk.

Naomi Campbell, abusive supermodel

How drunk: Unconvincingly reformed.

Latest: Campbell is trying to redeem herself following a spitting, racial-epithet-hurling attack on police at Heathrow airport. She bought coffee for cast members of TV show Ugly Betty and smiled at Heathrow police.

Outlook: Poor. Campbell has falsely claimed to be reformed in the past. In 2006, Campbell told W magazine, "Some people can handle a drink or a line of cocaine, but I’ve finally come to realize that, for me, it’s all or nothing — and it has to be nothing." She was later photographed drinking wine at dinner.

Low point: In 2006, after being arrested for her latest cell-phone beating of the help, she was forced to scrub toilets as part of a community service sentence. She claimed the experience was sobering before moving on to further meltdowns.

Pat O'Brien, TV host

How drunk: Freshly rehabbed, working again — for the second time.

Latest: Entered rehab in February (his last rehab had been in 2005). Despite speculation to the contrary, he returned to his hosting gig on The Insider.

Outlook: Weak, since he has relapsed once before.

Low point: A drunken, horny voice mail left prior to his most recent rehab stint.

Paris Hilton, attention-mad socialite

How drunk: Very, but in a totally older, more responsible way.

Latest: Hilton now says she's become more domestic, staying home (heavens!) some nights and even cooking dinner for serious boyfriend and rocker Benji Madden. She's taken to wearing a diamond ring on her wedding ring finger and reportedly even talks of children.

Outlook: Precarious. Marriage and increased sobriety are possible; more likely is a breakup and total Hilton meltdown. The starlet has failed at reform before: The Times in March reminded everyone that Hilton still had not taken a charity trip to Rwanda or set up a transitional home for women, as promised on Larry King Live following a jail term.

Low point: Was sent to jail for repeatedly driving on a license suspended in connection with a drunk driving conviction. Runner up: When her cat was reclaimed for alleged neglectful treatment.

Nicole Richie, actress, fashion plate

How drunk: Minimally.

Latest: Richie gave birth in January and subsequently said her daughter and relationship to boyfriend Benji Madden, the girl's father, gave her life new meaning and helped her "move on" from her wilder days. Richie's friend Paris Hilton is said to be hoping for a similarly grounding relationship with her boyfriend, Benji Madden, brother to Joel.

Outlook: Decent. Richie raised $1 million by selling pictures of her baby, and her dad Lionel is rich, so she's well funded to either raise a family or have a Britney Spears-style post-baby meltdown. She's 26 so the chance of the latter is not insignificant. But there are no immediate warning signs.

Low point: In 2003, was arrested for possession of heroin. Runner-up: Becoming dramatically thing after a falling out with party buddy Paris Hilton and a brief jail sentence on drunk driving charges.

Britney Spears, wayward singer

How drunk: Only on Frappuccinos (this month).

Latest development: Spears is back in the recording studio, has appeared in repeated successful TV cameos and gained new visitation rights with her two sons after a court commissioner said he was "extremely impressed" with her progress.

Outlook: Good, for now. With her father in control of her money and many aspects of her life, Spears is unlikely to backslide anytime soon, particularly given how much she wants to regain custody of her kids. The question is whether she'll be able to stay sober once she has her kids back and is in full control of her bank account.

Low point: Flashing her vag to paparazzi in 2006 while clubbing with Paris Hilton. Runners up: Her two psych-ward stays this year; brief, recent relationships with scuzzballs Adnan Ghalib and Sam Lutfi; shaving her head and bashing a car with an umbrella.

Robert Downey, Jr., actor

How drunk: Stone cold sober.

Latest: Downey's film Iron Man has been a critical and financial success, with Downey now expected to take part in sequels. He appears in blackface in the forthcoming comedy Tropic Thunder with Ben Stiller

Outlook: No reason to think he's anything but clean and sober from here on out. Unless you've heard something. What, have you heard something??

Low point: In 2000-2001, when a series of arrests saw him kicked off the hit TV show Ally McBeal. Struggled with drug abuse throughout the 1990s, and eventually served at least a year and a half in jail and several years on probation and in drug treatment.

Nicole Richie was back to her old uber-thin self just two weeks after Harlow graced us with her presence earlier this year, and Jamie Pressly openly admitted to losing 42 pounds in 12 weeks by "only eating cabbage soup." The rest?

After having Moses, the current nudie pic exhibitionist says she makes sure all those pounds which initially "horrified" her remain at bay due to her after-hours habit of downing red wine and passing out in the garden. Who has time to eat when you're unconscious? Hubbard Formula aficionado Leah Remini claims to have lost a whopping 80 pounds in only six weeks after ordering something eerily called the 1st Personal Diet. Remini told TV Guide, "It's determined by the metabolic rate of your blood, and then they send you a diet on your e-mail." Why hasn't anyone informed Oprah of her computer's flesh-zapping knowledge?

Jennifer Lopez made a public appearance looking just like J. Lo circa Diddy only a month after popping those expensive twins out, and reportedly managed the vanishing act by shelling out $50k on a home gym, not to mention hiring a team of trainers, nutritionists and Baby Weight Loss experts to presumably make sure she never once stopped exercising. Finally, Gwen Stefani candidly told Elle that she was utterly obsessed with getting her figure back after little Kingston arrived. The only celebrity to go ahead and admit that the ways stars do it is just a bit horrifying, Stefani said she was so adamant about the process that she was still exercising two weeks before giving birth. And cried about it. Live and learn.

[Photo Credit: X17]

• OH BABY! JESSICA ALBA SHOWS OFF HER FABULOUS POST-PREGNANCY FIGURE [Daily Mail]

Us
This cover, showing a beaming Michelle and Barack Obama emblazoned with the words "Why Barack Loves Her," is perhaps part of the subtle image makeover we referred to earlier. Us seems very concerned with portraying the clearly awesome Michelle as a non-threatening soccer mom, and more importantly, differentiating her from Hillary. Says a friend: "[Michelle] is not the least bit interested in being a co-president or participating in policy decisions…Her first priority as a first lady would be that the girls are OK, and to continue to be the outstanding mother that she is." We always go straight to Us for astute political coverage. In other news, Hollywood wags think Katherine Heigl's career will be fine despite her ankling the Emmys. Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee are back together for the umpteenth time. They're like Bobby and Whitney but with exponentially more body modification. Finally, here's some news for all the hipsters out there: supermodel Helena Christensen has been "cozying up" to Interpol lead singer Paul Banks for over six months!
Grade: C (a timeshare in Cleveland)
In Touch
Rut roh! Angelina and Brad's CRISIS AT HOME in huge pink letters! They have a lot of babies, it's exhausting, it's possibly pulling them apart, and so on, and so forth. The only good part of this four page spread is the sidebar where Dr. Drew gives Angelina the business about her whole Mother Theresa routine. "I've never seen anyone remit heroin completely," Dr. Drew said. "Is she in recovery? If she's in recovery, I don't seen any evidence of it, because people in recovery invest themselves in simple, selfless acts of service, not global self-serving acts." Burn!!! On to matters of life and death: Did Mariah Carey have plastic surgery? Survey says: Probs. Her yo-yo dieting is well known and after her most recent weight loss, she has mysterious, Tara Reid-reminiscent ripples on her tummy. The liposuction of Mimi! Bret Michaels bonded with Sherri Shepherd when he went on The View because they both have diabeetus, but he wants to do it with Elisabeth Hasselbeck. "Barbara Walters was pretty hot," Bret admitted, "but Elisabeth Hasslebeck and me, I'm just telling her, if her husband ever falls out of the picture…" Scariest tabloid news of the week: Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt spent $10,000 on guns because Spencer wants to be "prepared for anything." Can't wait for the Branch Davidianish FBI raid on the Speidi compound…
Grade: C+ (an unheated shack on the coast of Maine)
Star
More Brangelina business. Angie has panic attacks due to the stress of her pregnancy and Shiloh's terrible twos. Apparently she's worried about how she's going to handle "two more needy little ones in an already chaotic household." Uh, probably with the army of nannies she already employs. Miley Cyrus reportedly gets thousands of love letters from prisoners, "who claim they've taped her picture up in their cells." Creepy to the max!! Was Matthew McConaughey macking on strange ladies during a recent trip to Nicaragua while his super-pregs girlfriend Camilla Alves languished at home? If the photos are any indication (see Fig. A below), the answer is yes. An amused onlooker tells Star, "He grabbed the DJ's microphone, crawled onto a table and screamed 'I lost my flip-flops!' in broken Spanish!" Britney and Jamie Lynn are none too pleased about mom Lynne's forthcoming memoir, Through The Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World, which includes such revelations as Britney bit her nails as a kid. Shocking! And lastly, Jen wants boyfriend of thirty seconds John Mayer to marry her, but he's not down. Hmm, sounds dubious.
Grade: D+ (a metal trailer in Death Valley)
Ok!
Jeebus. Even more Angelina news. This time she's not stressed. In fact, she's so into all her babies, Ok! says, she's looking to adopt another boy. She'll get the lucky young tyke from the same Ethiopian orphanage where she found wee Zahara. Ange wants to "balance the races" in her household and since Maddox has Pax, now it's "Z's turn." Speaking of babies, Britney will charter a jet to Kentwood, Louisiana, the second lil' sis Jamie goes into labor. There are rumblings that Prince William and on-again, off-again flame Kate Middleton will be married next summer. Why did Anne Hathaway stay with scuzzy Raffaello Follieri for so long? Because he's a baaaad boy, of course. "[Women] believe that if we are wonderful enough, beautiful enough or sexy enough, we will cure them of their bad ways, and make ourselves all the more beautiful," Dr. Jenn Berman tells Ok!. Ugh. In other douche-dating news, David Spade says "girls date me because I'm normal." Good to know.
Grade: D- (a motel room on Three Mile Island)


Life & Style
Just when you thought she was getting better, L&S dredges up some old dirt: Britney tried to off herself twice, says a new book. Ian Halperin, an investigative journalist who is writing a bio of Brit tells L&S, "I can't divulge too much, but I will say the suicide attempts are true. I know all the details of both of them>" The book is also about how "sleazy and destructive" her handlers were, and how Britney is obsessed with Marilyn Monroe's tragic fate. The formerly self-destructive Nicole Richie is "back to her old ways" and is losing weight. She and Joel madden are fighting a lot and she's stressed out by baby Harlow. Unlike Nicole Richie, another Nicole (Kidman) is trying to gain weight. She thinks her baby bump is too small and wishes it were bigger. She also wishes that her jugs were bigger. Are Mariah and Nick already on the rocks? "I give the marriage six months, tops," says an insider.
Grade: D- (a teepee in Chernobyl)
Fig. A:

After making PETA's 2005 Worst Dressed List and earning particularly mean reason from the group's trademark bag of bitchy tricks, ("If she keeps on wearing fur and eating at Carl's Jr., she'll be back on the list next year as Star Jones."), Paris allegedly sat through animal torture videos from China and promised to stop wearing fur. As a reward, PETA removed the "heirhead" from next year's list. Christina Ricci followed a similar path after making the 2006 list, sitting through a Martha Stewart expose (shudder) on how mean it is to hurt the fuzzy wuzzies, and PETA obliged by removing her from the list as well. And the always crafty Lindsay Lohan managed to put a stop to her inclusion on the 06 list before its release date by assuring the PETA prez she was working on "weeding out" fur from her wardrobe. Too bad last month's whole fur bandit shenanigans didn't exactly make our favorite chic lesbian look like a woman who keeps her word.

As for those stars who've decided to fight back against all the haters at PETA, Ashley and Mary Kate Olsen have made the Worst Dressed List more than a few times, but quietly made their reactions known by including tons of animal fur in their clothing collection last year. As for the queen of Best Dressed Lists (just not PETA's), fur lover extraordinaire Kate Moss has continued to sport everything from beaver to rabbit to mink to who knows what kind of lizard skin onesies after hours despite PETA's threats and cutting remarks ("Nothing completes the transition from supermodel to super tramp like a fur coat.")

Bonus: Britney Spears, endless black hole of lovely surprises, was cut from PETA's poll earlier this year because, according to a PETA spokesperson, she "needed a break." While it doesn't quite fully endear us to the red paint sabotage army, we can't help but think that it's a positive gesture.

[Photo Credit: X17, Bauer-Griffin]

• TOP FIVE REASONS ONLY STUPID GIRLS BRAG ABOUT EATING MEAT [PETA Blog]
• EXCLUSIVE: PETA NAMES WORST DRESSED CELEBS OF 2008 [Us]

In today's installment: Lindsay Lohan (twice!), Katherine Heigl, Al Pacino, Adrian Grenier, Nicole Richie, Casey Affleck, Elijah Wood (with Dominic Monaghan and Evangeline Lilly), Eric Stoltz, Mario Lopez, Bryce Dallas Howard, Samantha Ronson, Larry King, Audina Patridge, Tommy Lee and Ludacris, Bradley Cooper, Clea Duvall, Ian Ziering and Bill "The Sports Guy" Simmons.

FRIDAY, MAY 9
· Friday night I make a quick run into Toast for one of their yummy cupcakes. While I'm waiting, I look over and see uber hottie Bradley Cooper laying back on the couch. Sporting that sexy scruff and a shirt unbuttoned enough to get a shot of his nice chest. My gay porn fantasy come true! Oh...he was with some unrecognizable chick.
· Saw Casey Affleck, Summer Phoenix and two young kids dining with Clea Duvall, an unknown male and another small kid at Mexico City in Los Feliz. Nobody seemed to pay much attention but I was transfixed. Summer Phoenix sat facing the whole restaurant holding a small child. Her eyes are huge and she is a people watcher. Casey was very quiet and paid attention only to his small, hyper son.
· Lindsay Lohan walking into the Vista Theater in Silver Lake at 12 noon for a video shoot for the Make A Wish Foundation. The papanazis were right behind in minivans and SUV's, peeling into an alley one after the other like NASCAR drivers on meth (or Danica Patrick on a pit stop.) Hard to say who's more dangerous behind the wheel, Lindsay or these duds. I mean, dudes. No I don't.

SATURDAY, MAY 10
· At the Southern California Renaissance Faire I saw Tommy Lee and Ludacris filming an episode for their show Battleground Earth. They were supposedly learning how to make paper. Both were wearing extravagantly feathered 3 Musketeers hats.
· I saw Lindsay Lohan with Sam Ronson at the Beachwood Market; they were shopping for a lot of groceries (including toilet paper, cause everyone shits), but NO BOOZE.
· Al Pacino shops at Target (at the mall in Hollywood). Saw him in the toy section with some little kid (son? grandson?). He was in that all in black, oversized blazer, baggy pants look, and my girlfriend thought he was Richard Lewis.
· Katherine Heigl exits the Say Cheese in Silverlake at Hyperion and Monon and the paparazzi swarm around her making a huge scene. Katherine looks great and handles it well but it looks annoying as F**k. These paparazzi look like total scum and K.H. is soooo boooooring anyway. The whole situation is bizarre but for some reason people like seeing people in movies walk in and out of stores.
· After suffering through the stank of dog urine at Runyon Canyon, my friends and I are blinded by the site of some chick with ginormous boobs. They were so distracting that we almost missed that she was with none other than Steve Sanders himself - Ian Ziering.
· I have never felt uglier sending a sighting in than i do right now. Saturday evening @ the gelson's in calabasas, I saw Jeffrey Tambor buying a travel-sized saline solution and a single fleet enema. Hey now!

TUESDAY, MAY 13
· I saw Diedrich Bader and Jamie Kennedy at Mozza. Damn, that place is tasty.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 14
· I spotted hobbits Elijah Wood and Dominic Monaghan (with girlfriend Evangeline Lilly in tow) checking out singer/songwriter Matt Miller's set at King's Road Cafe. Unfortunately, there was no cover of Leonard Nimoy's 'The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins', but that would've been amazing.

THURSDAY, MAY 15
· Rode the elevator with Beyonce and her security guy at Jay-Z's Roc The Mic Studios on 27th street about 5 mins ago. Very pretty -not noticeably pregnant. Also, the asshole security guard blocked her off from just me like she was royalty.

SUNDAY, MAY 18
· The opening of Two Unrelated Plays by David Mamet at the Kirk Douglas was the place to be for random celeb (ok, generous) sightings on a Sunday afternoon. Felicity Huffman, Eric Stoltz, Tate Donovan, Joe Mantegna, Kate Burton, Julianne Phillips, and Ricky Jay were all present and accounted for.
· Bryce Dallas Howard with baby and a companion (not sure if it was husband Seth Gabel or not, but I'm kicking myself for not paying attention to a potential Jeremy Darling sighting!) leaving Whole Foods at Fairfax & Santa Monica.

MONDAY, MAY 19
· Mario Lopez at T-Mobile Store at One Embarcadero Center in San Francisco. With a mustachioed handler. Tight green shirt (showed off the guns), woven leather belt and jeans. Didn't really believe it was him until one of the (male) cashiers asked him for a cell phone photo, which he gave graciously. As soon as he left the store, all three male cashiers huddled over the cell phone photo and discussed Saved By The Bell episodes.
· Mickey Gubitosi AKA Robert Blake at the Pinkberry looking happy, healthy and enjoying the goodness that is Crackberry. Looks like he has been hitting the gym. It's nice to him happy again. [Ed Note — Um, we guess?]

TUESDAY, MAY 20
· Saw the ESPN Sports Guy (Bill Simmons) eating a fancy lunch at Campanile with the Sports Gal (wife), kid, and what looked like either his or his wife's mom (5/20). This sighting probably means nothing to 90% of Defamer readers but for us heterosexual males in our 30s it's a big deal.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 21
· Saw Adrian Grenier at the El Rey at the sold-out Kills show. His appearance in the crowd triggered several conversations around me that went exactly like this: "Do you watch Entourage?" "Eeeeeehhhhhhhhyeeeeah, well, I used to...then I totally got sick of it."

THURSDAY, MAY 22
· Saw Nicole Richie at Katsu-Ya in Studio City. She was teeny tiny, wearing a dirty white hoodie (that was too big) with leggings and had her hood up most of the time. Sorry Nicole, there's no mistaking that mug! She waited for a long time for a table and finally settled down at the sushi bar. She was with a nondescript female and was not approached by anyone. She was a bit boring, but my friends visiting from New York got the celeb sighting they were hoping for!
· Thurs. 5/22. Saw Paula Poundstone at the Coffee Bean in the lobby of the CAA building asking the barista if he wanted an extra ticket to an LA Sparks game.

FRIDAY, MAY 23
· Wee little Christian Siriano spotted in West Hollywood last night- giving out hugs to fans on San Vicente and Santa Monica, wearing a black beanie, black trench coat, black skinny jeans and silver reflective high top sneakers (possibly Nikes?). Fierce!
· Was walking out of Indy 4 at the Arclight Hollywood and saw Jacinda Barrett having a chat with 2 guys. White long sleeve shirt under a black short sleeve one and super skinny jeans. So skinny in fact I almost bought her a pesto sausage from the snack bar.

SATURDAY, MAY 24
· Saw Audina Patridge around 6:30PM at the Happy Nail salon at West Hollywood Gateway center. The salon madame was clearly impressed with her walk-in client, who arrived with a friend girl. Since I was with my only friend who gives a shit about The Hills, Defamer has the privilege of being my "OMG, guess who I just saw" email.

SUNDAY, MAY 25
· Oh. My. God. F-List reality night at Barney's Beanery (WeHo branch on Santa Monica Blvd.) on Sunday night for karaoke. First of all, some dude is singing Kiss by Prince and surprisingly hitting all the notes, and it turns out to be that black trainer with the dreads from Work Out on Bravo. Not a bad singer! THEN. I am talking to a group of people who include these two tall identical blond dudes. Today whilst trolling the blogs I see one of them in the teaser for the new VH1 show I Love Money, and I realize that he was Mr. Boston from I Love New York. He has an identical twin. They are both kind of dorky and awkward.
· Wandering in and out between the parked cars in the 700 block of Hillcrest Road in Beverly Hills Sunday morning: Larry King. Note to Larry — those speeding metal chariots will hurt you. Use your phone on the sidewalk.

”Joel Madden spent a boozy night partying with Lindsay...Their heads were practically touching, and he had his leg over hers.”

As delighted as we are that recent gossip about Lohan has involved nudity and boys rather than drugs and DUIs, her fetish for robbing frenemies of their boyfriends is a long-standing Lohanism. We look back at some of her most classic crimes of passion after the jump.

We tend to think Lohan's habit of man-theft all started with that infamous catfight she had with Hilary Duff over Aaron Carter (yes, really, there was a time when he was the cat's pajamas) , who supposedly cheated on Lohan with the blonde teenybopper. But that one incident hardly justifies Lindsay's rap sheet since then:

May 2006: It's hard to feel bad for fellow seductress Paris Hilton, but her lovey dovey relationship with Stavros Niarchos (what ever happened to that guy by the way?) came to an abrupt end after Lohan was spotted "dirty dancing" with him at a club.
October 2007: After pissing off Paris, Lindsay took her fetish up a notch while in rehab, where she met and began dating snowboarder Riley Giles. The only problem? He was engaged to some poor girl in Utah at the time.
January 2008: And as recently as January, Lohan was linked to Adrian Grenier while big-bottomed girl Kim Kardashian was allegedly dating the Entourage star.

February 2008: Just one month later, Lindsay brought out her Paris-hating claws once again, managing to win the fight over girly song-singer James Blunt.

• NICOLE RICHIE CRUSHED AFTER CATCHING JOEL MADDEN WITH LINDSAY LOHAN [Star]

OK!
"Ready To Wed!" Here's the gist: Reese Witherspoon doesn't want her children to see her living "in sin," so she won't let Jake Gyllenhaal move in until they're married. But! The kids love him. So conditions are perfect. "Hollywood Big Mouths" is a 2-page spread out OK!'s favorite pouty lips. Janice Dickinson, Anne Hathaway and Ali Lohan are honored.
Grade: F (salt water)






Us
"Stabbed In The Heart!" Intern Sharon says, "That is so emo." Jessica Simpson is so distraught that her ex John Mayer is with Jen Aniston that she's been turning to alcohol. Apparently she went out with her friend CaCee Cobb (who is dating Scrubs star Donald Faison) and they all knocked back so many margaritas that Jess had to call her mom for a ride — and it was the night before Mother's Day! (CaCee drank so much she "puked a little under the table," says a source.) This story goes on for eight pages and there's a chart called "Jess Vs. Jen: The two share more than just John Mayer" where the ladies are shown in bikinis so you can compare them. Classy. Moving on: Liv Tyler and Royston Langdon are dunzo, but they want to be civil, so it's easy on their son Milo. A source says, "They fell out of love." Sniff. Heath Ledger's Joker action figure is selling out at toy stores, although it's not really a collectible or worth anything. People just want to own it. Blind item! "Which Golden Globe-winning TV star was disinvited[sic] from her own sister's wedding because her family is so distrustful of her long-time beau? Says a source, 'Her mom thinks the guys is a mooch.'" Also inside: Tom Cruise holds people so tightly his hand leaves a mark (Fig. 1). Are Britney and Kevin reconciling? The exes have a "camraderie," says a source. Jennifer Lopez's sister Lynda Lopez is expecting, if you care. Angelina's "bizarre baby plan" is to have the kid in France. Also, Us points out that Star reported that Angie has gestational diabetes, but it's not true; and Star claims she is having twins, but she says "my baby" when discussing her pregnancy. Also, Brad and Angelina will not get married any time soon, because it would complicate their finances. Lastly, there's a four-page Sex And The City story with cocktail recipes and quiz.
Grade: D- (gray water)

In Touch
"Brad Walks Away" Apparently Brad and Angie have been arguing because she doesn't want to get married and he was spotted drinking alone at a bar on the coast of France. (But, um, she can't go drinking with him, she's pregnant.) Maybe she has a fear of commitment because of her parents' divorce, speculates a psychologist who does not treat her. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan bitched out a girl who was talking to Samantha Ronson while Sam was DJing. LL pointed at the woman and screamed, "You're a slut!" Apparently the look on LL's face was "scary." Britney's "mystery bump" is probably due to the fact that she's on Prozac and Zoloft and eating a lot. Lastly: Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham has pages from fashion magazines up in her closet. "When she can't think of what to wear, she closes her eyes, spins around, and points at a picture. That will be what she wears."
Grade: D- (purified water)

Life & Style
"Friends Fear That Jessica Got Dumped Again!" While Tony Romo was at Uncle Fatty's Rum Resort in Chicago, he told his buddies that he and Jessica Simpson had split. That same night, Jessica drowned her sorrows in booze and burritos. Jen Aniston has a new love and a new body! She only eats salad, sez the mag. Jen is telling people that John is more adventurous than she's used to — and she likes it! Angelina has been relaxing in France in a bikini. "Angie loves her pregnant body," crows a caption. Lastly: Vince Vaughn turned down a threesome with two goth sisters and they sold their tale (and picture) to the mag. (Fig. 2)
Grade: D+ (sparkling water)

Star
"Nicole In Tears!" At Crown Bar in L.A., Joel Madden and Lindsay Lohan sat next to each other. "Their heads were practically touching and his leg was over hers," says a spywitness. When Paris Hilton saw what was happening, she made a huge deal of it and made sure everyone saw. Then she texted Nicole with the news. One source says Lindsay is clueless and "just doesn't get that she crosses the line." Another source says Nicole thinks Lindsay is a horrible human being. Moving on: Newlywed Nick Cannon is so happy, "My cheeks hurt from smiling so hard," he says. Kate Bosworth is "back to bones." She is 5'7" and 102 lbs. Apparently when she was with Orlando Bloom, he would tell her she had puffy cheeks and she got down to 100 lbs. Then she was back up to 113 lbs., but her new boyfriend is a model and very weight-conscious. Also inside: Scarlett Johansson says she never thought she'd get married so young but Ryan Reynolds "kept asking, at least for the last six months. He just wore me down." Lauren Conrad and Doug Reinhardt are already dunzo: She was too clingy, he was just in it for the fame. "Doug spent all his time looking for his pictures in magazines and Googling himself," says a source. Heidi Montag scandal! "This summer, Heidi plans to wear loose clothes and even strap on some padding around the waist, to make it look like she's three months along," says an insider. She and Spencer will refuse to confirm or deny anything to keep the rumor mill going. John Mayer wants to impress Jen Aniston, so he spent $6,000 on gifts for her: $600 patent leather YSL pumps; $2,175 quilted leather Prada bag and three 18K gold bangles for $1,150 each. Kristin Davis is not like Charlotte York because she is an alcoholic who no longer drinks. At all. Fresh-out-of-rehab Kirsten Dunst was seen drinking at a NYC bar; she slammed whiskey shots and rum and cokes and she was out of control. Relapse! Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz will get married in Mexico and honeymoon there, too. Pete's gonna wear sneakers with his tux. (Intern Sharon says, " I wouldn't expect anything else.) Suri Cruise drinks a special Scientology formula that is made from barley water, organic milk and organic raw honey. Sometimes it coagulates into an unappetizing yellow. A pediatrician who does not treat Suri says she may not be getting the vitamins she needs. Plus, honey can rot babies' teeth. But Scientologists don't believe in breastfeeding.
Grade: C- (mineral water)

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"Before Harlow came along, Nicole never had to worry about anything. All she did was party with her friends and go shopping...can't figure out if she's happier when she's home with the baby or hitting the town with her friends..."

Even when Nicole was just Paris' merrily chubby sidekick in 2004 (at left), we get the feeling that's a genuine smile. Whether or not substances had anything to do with it, girl is happy. And despite looking thisclose to snapping in half, Richie grinned while prancing down the beach in those infamous bikini pictures taken pre-Joel and Harlow. Finally, caught up in her new relationship and frequenting the party circuit like no other, it's obvious Nicole was always happiest when photographers aligning the red carpet shouted her name.

Fast-forward to present times. Pregnancy is supposed to give you that "glow" or whatever, but as we can see at left, Nicole looked far from overjoyed. And as for her activities, club-going has been replaced by glumly shopping for wrapping paper with the fiance. And most recently, having dropped the baby weight and looking just as thin as she ever did, a smile still can't be forced. Truth be told? We actually miss the old Nicole just as much as she does.

[Photo credits: X17, Splash, Getty]

• NICOLE TORN BETWEEN OLD LIFE, MOTHERHOOD [MSNBC]

Paris has always been thin, but a photo taken in late April showed the poptard looking just as eerily pin-thin as Nicole did during the height of her scary-skinny stage.

Though Nicole can't be credited with launching the gigantic granny glasses trend, she certainly had a major hand in popularizing it. And now, Paris is jumping on the bandwagon hardcore, wearing styles Nicole hasn't worn in years.

But most telling is Paris' recent choice of paramour: none other than Nicole's future hubby Joel Madden's brother Benji. Benji's always been the less appealing of the faux-punk brothers, mainly because Joel is taller and somehow a bit easier on the eyes. Plus he dated Hilary Duff, whereas Benji just dated that freaky-looking model Sophie Monk. But mirroring your newly hotter and happier BFF calls for desperate measures, and desperate measures Paris has officially taken.

[Photo credits: X17, Getty, Splash News]

• IS PARIS HILTON MORPHING INTO BEST FRIEND NICOLE RICHIE? [Daily Mail]

Which celebrity dad is just as rebellious as his starlet daughter? The troubled parent wears a ring through a piercing on his nether regions.

Hulk Hogan: Low on the list, only because Brooke hasn't quite reached "starlet" or "rebellious" levels of fame yet.
Jamie Spears: Britney has publicly outed her dad as a former drug user, and we can't think of a father/daughter pair who are more "troubled" at the moment, but somehow Jamie doesn't strike us as the manhood-piercing type.
Michael Lohan: He is a wild card, but he's also some kind of born-again missionary. We don't know much about born-agains, but we doubt they frequent piercing parlors too often.

Lionel Richie: Lionel's the kind of guy we could picture spontaneously deciding to stick some jewels in those nether regions of his. But Nicole's no longer causing him any grief, and we can't find any reason why the crooner would be "troubled" at the moment.
Bruce Willis: Most likely suspect. Rumer's rebellious, Bruce is floundering, and he's a bad ass dude. How else to prove to his extended family that Ashton will never, ever be the man he is? A pierced Segel is the obvious answer.

[Photo credits: Getty, Rob's Blog, NYDN]

• JUST ASKING [NY Post]

Before she became the monstrosity that is Paris Hilton, the heiress' fame was limited to her hometown of Manhattan, in addition to a few high-profile ritzy vacation spots like St. Bart's and Miami. And she even had a respectable long-term relationship to model Jason Shaw, lasting four years and culminating in an engagement. But then the flashbulbs burned brighter, and Paris spread her fame-whoring wings, eventually meeting and planning yet another wedding with her first Greek shipping heir, conveniently named Paris Latsis. Surprise, surprise, that joyous meant-to-be union didn't last either. Then there were the rumors back in 2006 that she was gearing up for another engagement to man around town Stavros Niarchos, after showing up to a fashion party sporting a gigantic ring just like the one Latsis had given her. But just as she stole Stavros from Mary-Kate Olsen, Lindsay Lohan allegedly ran off with him for a night or two. So will Hilton's fourth scheme actually work out as planned? We're not betting bloggers, but we sense a pouty-faced glossy cover in the coming weeks featuring Paris and her broken love affair. But hey, we hear Calum Best is available!

[Photo credit: Getty]

• OH BROTHER! [NY Post]
• PARIS IN NEW RING-AROUND [NY Post]

From a nutrition expert at Berkeley quoted in ABC's piece: "I watched Atonement last night and thought that Keira Knightley looked like she was a refugee from a concentration camp." Um, zing? While the nutrition expert's assertion is far from scientific, and while we concur that anything the members of the Bimbo Summit do is officially trashy, we must admit we're not sure what to make of the news that a British blueblood lass like Keira has (allegedly) joined Gen Rx. Just watch, next thing we know she'll be swinging from the chandeliers at the Chateau Marmont while a giddy Pete Doherty looks on. Say it ain't so, Keira!

• HOLLYWOOD'S DIRTY DIET SECRETS [NYDN]
• ADDERALL: WEIGHT LOSS FIX OF THE STARS? [go.abc.com]

As Alli Sims learned after toiling after Britney Spears during her freakiest freakouts, hanging out with a star when they're at the height of their press coverage is good for business. After leaving Britney in the dust, Alli sold her story to Us and, according to her site, plans on launching her very own pop career. For all five of you who got hooked on Newlyweds, the name Cacee Cobb will ring a bell; she was Jessica Simpson's equally dim-witted personal assistant. After parting ways with Jess, she hooked up with Scrubs' Donald Faison, ensuring constant press coverage. And the ultimate BFF-to-star story comes in the form of The Hills' Heidi Montag, who's become arguably bigger than the show's "star," Lauren Conrad, and will soon release an album (which we will soon mock).
So come on down to parisbff.com! Where reality fame and half-naked spreads in Stuff gloriously await.

• MTV GREENLIGHTS HILTON REALITY SERIES [THR]
• WHO WANTS TO BE PARIS HILTON'S NEW BEST FRIEND? [Yahoo]