You fool! It was announced yesterday that Werner Herzog's remake of the famous Harvey Kietel peen-flashing crime drama, The Bad Lieutenant, will premiere at the Toronto film festival in September! Lieutenant will be featured along with new films by the Coen Bros and Michael Moore. The original 1992 bad-cop-gets-worse flick is credited for deftly capturing New York's signature 1980's grit and for giving Harvey Keitel his 'Serious Actor' bona fides. The remake doesn't look, uh, as promising.

It features the thespian stylings of rapper/custom car enthusiast Xzibit and includes the line "What? You don't have a lucky crack pipe?" delivered in the mystifying way only Nicolas Cage could. See you in Toronto!

P.S. We're calling shenanigans if we don't see Cage's ween.

After a long campaign to get Edwards to entrust them, the producers have already met with agencies to package the romantic comedy. They hope to engage in a global search for a newcomer to play the new "10."

"Blake's timeless original encapsulated the fallacy of 'the grass is always greener' in relationships," said (Hyde Park chairman Ashok) Amritraj.

And someday some genius will pick up the same principal in a mockumentary of a fork-tongued producer who finds God after experimentating lazy shit like this — or, maybe even more appalling depending on whose hands it falls into, the musical remake of Valley Girl. The 1983 film no doubt shows its age these days, featuring a very young Nicolas Cage and a classic soundtrack that won't likely survive the Hairspray-ing the film will undergo at MGM — i.e., no Plimsouls cameos, folks. Sorry!

Finally comes Papillon, the 1973 Steve McQueen/Dustin Hoffman prison drama that we're probably most comfortable with seeing rebooted — preferably with Daniel Craig as the title character, on whose tale of escape from Devil's Island the film was based. If the producers, including Gladiator's Branko Lustig, dare to reuse Dalton Trumbo and Lorenzo Semple's screenplay, we might even bless this, but we know better: Stephen Sommers will probably be attached by Monday.

• MGM high on 'Valley Girl' comedy [Variety]

• Hyde Park to remake '10' [Variety]

• Producers team for 'Papillon' redo [Variety]