Honestly, trimming down bad acting moments throughout Nic Cage's career may just be one of the hardest jobs in editing.

For our masochistic readers, clips sourced from: Vampire's Kiss, Con Air, National Treasure 2, Ghostrider, Snake Eyes, Wicker Man, City of Angels, and The Rock.

Sincerest apologies go to all the interns who were forced to watch these movies.

We've seen this sort of behavior before, most notably with people like Jude Law and Colin Farrell, guys who were made into leading men before they had time to prove that they had the chops for such a responsibility. Let lessons be learned from the past and let's put Butler on probation.

Why does this misbehaving star deserve to be grounded? Well, after some early success in a Tomb Raider movie and the title role in the abysmal film adaptation of Phantom of the Opera, Butler and his abs starred in the surprise hit 300, grossing half a billion worldwide and making a legion of fanboys, ladies, and gay men very happy in the process. Because of this crossover appeal, his handlers thought that he could simultaneously dabble in both action and romantic comedy. That could be true, but he hasn't bothered to be in a good movie since 300. Crappy movies are crappy in any genre.

With P.S. I Love You and The Ugly Truth, his rom-coms with Hilary Swank and Katherine Heigl respectively, were both box office flops and critical duds. Gamer, released last month to deafening silence, has barely made a mark and struggled to get past the $20 million mark. It has been a series of missteps for this Scotsman. Citizen, which costars Jamie Foxx, had a good showing at the box office, but critics lit into it, which means that it probably won't rally much more in coming weeks.

While not as bad as Oscar winner Cuba Gooding Jr or professional bad decision makers Nicolas Cage and John Travolta, Butler is headed down that path if we don't intervene. If he can't pull out a decent project or two then he will be banned from all movies, tabloids, red carpet affairs, awards ceremonies, and celebrity relationships. If he can stay out of the press for three years, he may be rewarded with the starring role on a CBS procedural. This is your punishment Butler, so you better shape up.

Next year's Jennifer Aniston comedy The Bounty could go either way. Aniston was in The Break Up, the best romantic comedy of the decade, but the quality probably had more to do with the writing and direction than her abilities. It better work out, because if not, Butler is well on his way to being an over-valued, over-paid star who can't open anything bigger than a cereal box. If it does, along with maybe a prestige picture or a great cameo in a smaller film, then we will reinstate him into our good grace. Until them, he's in a professional time out.

[Image via Getty]

Here's a really titillating piece of news! Columbia Pictures is in early talks with Nicolas Cage to play the gangster villain in The Green Hornet. Cameron Diaz is negotiating to play a reporter and love interest in the Michel Gondry-directed pic that stars Seth Rogen as the masked crime fighter. I just want to make sure that registered with you: Nicolas Cage will be emoting for us whilst wearing some kind of tight fitting costume. We're sure you're titling too. [ Variety ]

New deals are coming in on the Monetizing Childhood Nostalgia front! John Fusco has been tapped to breathe new life into Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. He also wrote a redo of The Seven Samurai for the Weinstein Co. His other credits include Hidalgo and Young Guns. Next up Diablo Cody's remake of a sassy outsider who wears a strawberry beanie and smells like shortcakes! [ Variety ]

Despite a fast-approaching Thursday filing deadline, the two factions within the Screen Actors Guild have continued to keep their slate of candidates for the guild's September elections under wraps. Well, one thing's clear Martin Sheen's ass better be filling one of those slate spots because I need some new material for my West Wing fan fiction livejournal! [ Variety ]

Ugh, when is someone going to give K-Fed a reality show so we can see what's up with him and Britt's kids? Oh wait! [ E! Online! ]

Remember that sad story we told you about the group of black kids who were turned away from a swim club pool because the club's owners feared they would "change the complexion of the pool"? It's ugly stuff. To make matters less ugly writer/director Tyler Perry has stepped offered to send the 65 kids from Philly on all-expenses-paid three-day trip to DisneyWorld. And that's the last nice thing I will ever say about Tyler Perry. Are you happy morning news round up? You've broken me! [ People ]

Speaking of celebs stepping in to rescue sad children: Uma! Uma Thurman is set to star in Girl Solider an indie flick about a radical cleric who helps rescue 140 schoolgirls abducted in Uganda. Story's based on Kathy Cook's book "Stolen Angels," which follows the 1996 raid at a boarding school, where a band of armed rebels abducted young girls to turn them into soldiers and sex slaves. So there's that. Have a great day! [ Variety ]

1. Nicolas Cage
We can think of no other actor more capable of tapping into both Miyagi's quiet dignity and flying-insect-assassinating ferocity than Cage—to say nothing of his intimate familiarity with Far East mysticism, having served for years as a pachinko pitchman on Japanese TV:

2. Dwayne Johnson
The professional wrestler turned movie star seems determined to prove to Hollywood he's more than a handsome action-lunk. What better challenge, then, than playing a 60-year-old, 5'5" Japanese WWII veteran and vintage auto enthusiast? If the physical transformation is convincing enough, perhaps there's even an Oscar nomination in the cards—as there was for Pat Morita.

3. Jackie Chan
The tender moments of surrogate father-son bonding captured by the original can only be enhanced by saucy half-pint Smith barking, "A CRANE KICK?! ARE YOU NUTS, MR. MIYAGE? I AIN'T DOIN' NO CRANE KICKS! MY KNEE IS SWOLLEN UP LIKE A CANTALOUPE!" as his sensei frantically responds something unintelligible back in comically broken Chenglish.

4. Jean-Claude Van Damme
Van Damme is overdue for a comeback—but while the Kaufmanesque and undeniably foreign JCVD may have won over the international critical community, it's not going to really satisfy the VD-craving masses. This is the part. This is the film. Bienvenue, vieil ami.

5. Samuel L. Jackson
Eleven words: "I want this motherfucking wax ON and OFF my motherfucking CAR."

• Jaden Smith set for 'Karate Kid' redo [Variety]

He can die in hell. I hate these people – they suck. A, he don't know me, couldn't pick me out of a line-up. B, I'm chasing windmills. Well, I'd rather chase windmills than steal other people's ideas. It's lame. I can't believe Nic Cage is trying to play that part. I mean, if the kid needed the money... It's like Harvey Keitel said, “If the guy needed the money, if he came to us and said, 'My career's on the rocks,' I'd cut him a break.” But to take $2 million – I mean, our film didn't cost half of $2 million. That film was made on blood and guts, man. So I really wish it didn't upset me as much as it does. [...]

Nobody asked us to do it. Nobody approached us and said, “Would you do it?” Give us $8 million, we'll come up with something. They give me twenty grand and say, “Go fuck yourself.” Gimme a break! They aren't paying Harvey anything, they aren't paying him two cents. [Producer] Ed Pressman sucks cock in hell, period. You can print that.

Done and done. And though we're not too sure about Cage "needing the money" (Bangkok Dangerous notwithstanding), expect Herzog to answer to the charges some time later this week, carefully enunciating his surprise at Ferrara's bitterness and echoing that existential baffler that so plagues his younger, Shatner-defying peers: "How did this become my life?" Our guess: It's a furious Klaus Kinski lashing out against his complacency from the great beyond. Just a theory.

• Abel Ferrara, 'Mary' [Source]

Yes, really:

A daylong preview of upcoming Disney movies and projects, held Wednesday at the Kodak Theatre at Hollywood & Highland, ended with a surprise appearance by the actor, outfitted as Jack Sparrow, walking onstage to the tune of "The William Tell Overture," the Lone Ranger theme.

The Depp castings were just a couple of the developments that Disney execs, led by chairman Dick Cook, offered up to a packed house of exhibitors and media types. In lieu of doing major presentations at industry confabs like ShoWest, Disney traditionally throws elaborate show-and-tells in Los Angeles every few years to promote its wares.

Those wares include competition for Depp as the default Mouse Heir: Another report places Nicolas Cage in an updated Sorcrer's Apprentice, set in present-day New York and featuring Cage as the Sorcerer. We have 10 bucks on Miley Cyrus as the title character. Seriously, Mickey, nut up and come back anytime — all is forgiven.

• Johnny Depp in deep with Disney [THR]

1. Bangkok Dangerous - $7.8 million
The worst box office in five years is led by this low-budget shoot 'em up starring Nic Cage, a remake of the Pang twins' Thai-language film. The number is in line with Lionsgate's expectations, they say, and should become "nicely profitable" just as soon as its star—who recently admitted to David Letterman that he was sold into Bangkok flesh trade sometime mid-filming—gives American businessmen with a taste for eccentric movie stars with roaming hairlines the sex-tour satisfaction they seek.

2. Tropic Thunder - $7.5 million
We've done the "full retard" jokes. We've done the "pee-pee maker t-t-tingle" jokes. And, sadly, that's all we got. Clearly, we have Tropic fatigue.

3. The House Bunny - $5.9 million
Feel free to arouse yourselves with this photo of Anna Faris in a revealing pink two-piece holding a garden hose.

4. The Dark Knight - $5.715 million
We're similarly at a loss as to what to say about The Dark Knight, so we cede the floor to this mashup trailer, which takes the audio from The Dark Knight trailer and grafts it to footage of Casino Royale. Why? We really have no idea. But it's well done.

5. Traitor - $4.66 million
OK, clearly we don't want to write this today. So we'll let you write it, with a little round of Logline Mad Libs! "[Man's name] Cheadle and Guy [Verb] star in a [ADJ] international [NOUN] set against a [A CHILDREN'S GAME] of covert [A LINE OF WORK] operations."

• WEEKEND BOX OFFICE September 5–7, 2008 [Box Office Mojo]

WHAT'S NEW: However wistful our recollections of Nicolas Cage's finer moments, it's never enough to shake the grave reality of seeing him as a laconic, hairplugged hitman in Bangkok Dangerous. And while our pity is mitigated slightly by the minor majesty of his Thai survival struggles, we're guessing a deafult number-one opening around $9.3 million (nothing else is opening wide this week) is deflating enough to set us back at least a few years to The Wicker Man — another ill-advised remake he had no business touching. Anyway, it's too late now. And did we mention we're hungover?

Also opening: Jamie Bell's teen-voyeur tale Mister Foe; Azazel Jacobs's wildly overrated Sundance darling Momma's Man; Oscar-winning docmaker Jessica Yu's narrative debut Ping Pong Playa; and Claude Chabrol's moody May-December psychodrama A Girl Cut in Two.

THE BIG LOSER: Honestly? You, the moviegoer. Even Tropic Thunder could drop 50% from last week and still surpass its production budget, a symbolic bump that will probably please all those woozy DreamWorks execs with hot compresses on their foreheads just fine. But until the Coens, The Women and the rest of the fall players start trotting out of the tunnel next week, your options are as limited as they've been all year. Sorry!

THE UNDERDOG: Roadside Attractions is positioning as the next My Big Fat Greek Wedding, which we don't necessarily buy; Wedding had Tom Hanks's money and Bob Berney's marketing genius behind it, not to mention ethnic and gender appeals that Nia Vardalos plugged into a general cultural vacuum at exactly the right time. There's something a little more cynical about Italian and it's aggressively goomba TV and print ad campaign, but on 96 screens this weekend, a $350,000 opening could hint at a market that will take what it can get. Keep an eye on it.

FOR SHUT-INS: Not a whole lot better, though we stand by Helen Hunt's directing debut (and Underdog alum) Then She Found Me. There's also the '50-set ensemble melodrama Married Life, with Rachel McAdams, Pierce Brosnan, Patty Clarkson and Chris Cooper; the 20th anniversary rerelease of Bright Lights, Big City; the fourth season of The Office; and finally — finally! — the 10th season of Cheers.

Sigh. We can't wait until this headache wears off; maybe spend some time outside until then.

• WATCH VIDEO

Torrance Shipman, Bring It On: For every sweet as sugar Valley Girl like the original film's Julie Richman, there is the head cheerleader. Torr, her sidekicks, and her priorities dipped into the shallowest end of the San Fernando pool of prissy dumb blondes (with hearts of gold! In the end, of course!) Classic Quote: "I am only cheerleading."

Romy And Michele, Romy And Michele's High School Reunion: A rare glimpse into the lives of the post-grad working life of the VG, Lisa Kudrow and Mira Sorvino actually made anyone unfamiliar with the Valley kind of want to live there, where folding sweaters defined the girls' perfection of living by that old mantra: ignorance is bliss. Classic Quote: "You look so good with blonde hair and black roots it's not even funny."

Stacy Hamilton, Fast Times At Ridgemont High: For every Torrance, there is a Stacy Hamilton: that shy, naive non-looker with the way hotter friend, who falls for the short, pale, and not handsome bad boy because he smokes cigarettes and dresses in all black. Classic Quote: "When a guy has an orgasm, how much comes out?"

Tai, Clueless: Most people instantly envision Cher as a classic VG, but the contemporary Emma lived in Beverly Hills. And sure, Tai does hail from the scary land of Manhattan where "coke" means cocaine, not Coca-Cola. But by the climax of the flick, Tai represents everything VGs stand for: short skirts, make-up, gold jewelry and boyfriend-stealing. Classic Quote: "You think I'm a mentally retarded airhead?"

Buffy Summers, Buffy The Vampire Slayer: Oh, Buff. The yellow cheerleading outfit. The gum. The bleached hair. The mini-skirts with polka dots used to attract football players. The like, icky gross feeling you get around dudes with British accents who are old and stuff. Our favorite, by a landslide. Classic Quote: "Right, I'm the chosen one. And I choose to be shopping."

• MGM DEVELOPS MUSICAL 'VALLEY GIRL' [THR]

It only looks like more than our standard Five Questions after the jump, but with Herzog jumping on our dropped jaws on more than one occasion, we admit we lost count.

So, yes or no: Is Bad Lieutenant a project you're working on with Nicolas Cage?

Yes, but its not a remake. It's like, for example, you wouldn't call a new James Bond movie a remake of the previous one — although the name of the bad lieutenant is a different one, and the story is completely different. It's very interesting because Nicolas Cage really wants to work with me, and just anticipating working with an actor of his caliber is just wonderful.

Why this project, though? You could have worked on anything.

There's an interesting screenplay; it's a very, very dark story. It's great because it seems to reflect a side of the collective psyche — sometimes there are just good times for film noir. They don't come out of nowhere. There was some sort of a mysterious context with the understanding of people in that particular time. And it's going to be in New Orleans, which is a fascinating place. Part of it was the decision of the producers for tax incentives — which is totally legitimate. However, I thought to myself: "We have seen a lot of New York in movies; we have not seen New Orleans in feature films." Or very few feature films. After Katrina it's a particularly interesting set-up. The neglect and politics after the hurricane struck are something quite amazing. It has to do with public morality.

Speaking of which, the original film's director, Abel Ferrara, has vowed to fight this project, and —

Wonderful, yes! Let him fight! He thinks I'm doing a remake.

Have you talked to him?

No. I have no idea who Abel Ferrara is. But let him fight the windmills, like Don Quixote.

Have you heard his comments at all? He says he hopes "these people die in Hell."

That's beautiful!

Do you relate to that passion?

No, because it's like theater thunder. It's like being backstage in the 19th century, with the machines that make thunder. It has nothing do with with his film. But let him rave and rant; it's good music in the background.

You did a remake before with Nosferatu, but —

It was not so much a remake as an homage to Murnau. But I don't feel like doing an homage to Abel Ferrara because I don't know what he did — I've never seen a film by him. I have no idea who he is. Is he Italian? Is he French? Who is he?

Oh, come on.

Maybe I could invite him to act in a movie! Except I don't know what he looks like.

First, Ferrara tagged a comment about the remake on to his answer to a question about working outside the Hollywood system. "As far as remakes go, Harvey [Weinstein? Not mentioned ... in connection to the project. Keitel, who starred in the original? Hmmmm....] begged me not to say anything mean, or stupid. [pause] But I wish these people die in Hell. I hope they're all in the same streetcar, and it blows up."

Later, a different journalist mentioned the remake in the run-up to answering a different question, and Ferrara interrupted.

"It hasn't been remade yet."

"But it will be," the reporter said.

Ferrara shook his head before putting it in his hands. "Don't count on it."

Come to think of it, we don't know why we originally thought Ferrara ever might have blessed such a random-ass duo reimagining his NC-17 baby for anyone, let alone a mass market. Though it's altogether possible that one glimpse at the new Lieutenant poster unveiled last week at Cannes — with everyone's name on it but Ferrara's and the words "From the star of National Treasure and Ghost Rider" reportedly removed at the last second — may have been the garish, godawful tipping point the aggrieved director was waiting for. Either way, this is fallout we can't wait to witness — anything to relieve these nightmares.

• Bad Lieutenant Remake: Abel Ferrara Says, 'Don't Count On It.' [Spout Blog]

So imagine our shock, surprise and revulsion this morning as our bleary eyes first browsed Variety:

Nicolas Cage will star in an updated version of 1992's Bad Lieutenant with Werner Herzog directing, Edward R. Pressman producing and Avi Lerner's Nu Image/Millennium Films financing.

Project, also called Bad Lieutenant, is due to be announced at Cannes. Production will start in late summer.

You cannot — or perhaps should not — make this stuff up. Either way, as God is our witness, we will never... drink... again.

• Nic Cage to star in 'Bad Lieutenant' [Variety]