An anonymous employee at the kiddie network told us that they received the following email this afternoon, in which an emergency is declared and a strict timetable for when all Brown-related Kids Choice Awards material needs to be off the website. The timetable is: IMMEDIATELY! 'Cause, you know, the stuff's been up there for weeks now, and it's probably about time old programmer Gus shuffled in with his mop and bucket and cleaned up this mess. Curious, considering they were all set to stand by him just yesterday. Maybe this is a hoax memo?

Subject: KCA EMERGENCY!

All,
We have to remove Chris Brown from Voting, Nominees & any other content (Flipbooks, Video, UPick)
The plan is to remove CB from Fav Male Singer & Fav Song in Voting as well as Nominees.
[blank] is reformatting the Voting page now. [blank] is working on the Voting backend.
Here are the lists of tasks & responsibilities

Voting:
Reformat Voting by 2m
Voting edit by 3pm

Nominees:
3pm
4pm

Other content:
Video:
Flipbooks:
UPD:
All Site inits:
Message Boards:
SEO:

Producers: Please scan the site & call out any mention of Chris Brown anywhere.

Please report back with your progress.

And, you know, if this email is bogus, we'll know soon enough. What was it, 4pm?

Update: Brown's name and face have, in fact, been deleted from the offending pages.

As my distinguished colleague Alex Pareene said, "Someone should probably forward Nickelodeon a copy of the internet."

Um, agreed.

Nickelodeon said it's talking with Linda Ellerbee, the veteran newswoman who has stepped in frequently in the past with shows on talking to children about difficult issues in the news. She's done shows about same-sex parents, AIDS, the Columbine shooting and President Clinton's impeachment scandal.

Rather than focus strictly on Spears, Ellerbee said she's considering producing a broad discussion about how people know they're in love, when is the right time to have sex and what are the value systems of their parents and friends. It could air as soon as next month.

Should Ellerbee's treatment of the sensitive topic of teen sexuality prove too hot to air, the network does have a backup plan—though we're not sure if it would be any less controversial to raid Nick at Night's vaults for the classic two-parter Maude's Dilemma, as the issues implicit in Bea Arthur's right to choose don't necessarily extend to those of a 16-year-old girl's.

• Nick mulling post-Spears pregnancy show [AP]

"A 'prehab' (program) would be terrific for young artists," says acting coach John Kirby. "However, most of the time, because of their desire to fit in and a great desperation for popularity, it becomes difficult to hold onto so many of the original values they were taught." [...]

Nickelodeon has a policy of putting its actors through a program called "Nick 101" at the start of each season. Executive producers and Nick execs bring the casts together and discuss everything from what a "call time" means to how to prep in advance when they get scripts to how they need to conduct themselves in public when fans inevitably approach them.

"For a lot of our kids, getting on one of our shows is their first job," says Paula Kaplan, executive VP of talent for Nick. "They need to be told that they should never give out their phone number or email address. They need to be told in advance that they're now a public figure and people are going to come up to them."

That Nickelodeon's stable of child stars has remained relatively scandal-free is a testament to the efficacy of their program of instruction. As Disney watches its current talent and troubled alumni succumb to pregnancy hoaxes, racy photo scandals, and serial rehabilitations, the company may decide it needs to adopt Nick 101-inspired "Surviving Disney" coursework to keep it competitive in a complicated, tabloid-obsessed world; in addition to teaching the basics of show business life to its younger employees, it can go a step further by providing the crucial crisis management skills required of those transitioning to more adult Hollywood careers, offering advanced classes like "Just Press Delete: Erasing The Nudie Pics That Could Alienate The Tween Fanbase That's Growing Up With You" and "Yes, Those Were My Coke Pants: Learning To Take Responsibility For Your Actions."

• Could 'prehab' save showbiz teens? [Variety]

As part of our continuing mission to provide up-to-the-minute coverage of potential Apocalyptic disasters unfolding at the studios where your industry peers thanklessly toil, we pass along this photo and distress message just transmitted from a cameraphone over at Nickelodeon:

"Fog machine goes awry at nickeloedon... Not serious but building evacuated..."

We have no idea what the emergency medical protocol for fake fog inhalation is, but we're confident that Viacom will make sure its employees receive the appropriate level of care. As always, your reports from the scene and/or aftermath of these events are always welcome, with updates provided as soon as they're available. Be safe.

UPDATE: After the jump:

Our still-choking operative updates:

Enclosed is a pic of the culprit, a brand-new, brand-defective fog machine one of the crews was testing out for Halloween atmosphere. Note the melting. Since the offending calamity involved both smoke and fog, I imagine this is the first production that was evacuated because of smog engulfment. Happy Halloween.

More good news: So far, no fake-fog-related fatalities have been reported, a fact for which we can all be thankful.

• Hollywood Floodwatch: Hollywood Center Studios Threatened By Ominously Brown Water [Defamer]