A few days later, The Smoking Gun reports, the bank called to explain the card violated "image upload guidelines," and requested its return, for which he'd be gifted with an appreciatory "$50 customer goodwill statement credit." Luckily, however, Mackie preserved evidence of his auspicious efforts for posterity. It's fun for us, but a pale consolation prize for the man who dreamed of responding to merchants queries of "credit or debit?" with a satisfied, "Neither. Put it on my Nolte."

• Nick Nolte's "Capital" Offense [The Smoking Gun]

Nobody, however, had a house like Nick Nolte's. [...] We are told — in fact, it is part of my job to tell you — that celebrities are just like the rest of us. But that wasn't the case with the way Nolte lived here. For starters, it wasn't just one house but six separate houses on a six-acre compound by the Pacific. Nolte moved into a small pink house there shortly after 48 HRS and he slowly amassed a whole subsection of the neighborhood.

Tour the "Frankenstein-style science chamber" and "Dance Dance Revolution room" after the jump.

In a room off his bedroom, Nolte (at that time, at least) maintained a Frankenstein-style science chamber to monitor the condition of his blood. Under a giant cardboard cutout of Jesus, which Nolte plucked from the set of Lorenzo's Oil, the actor kept IV drip bags, hospital-grade oxygen canisters and flat-panel computer screens flickering with data about white and red cell counts and who knows what else.

Nolte asked that day if he could have a drop of my blood. I declined. But he delighted in telling me about others who had taken the dare. Director Ang Lee's blood was "fascinating," he told me, saying he'd never seen anything shimmer like that. "You watch white cells surround bacteria. You see the death of things. It's better 'n television. His blood was glorious." [...]

Nolte flashed a crooked smile and gestured to a now-popular Japanese arcade contraption known as Dance Dance Revolution. It blinked with colorful lights atop booming speakers and there was a light-up dance floor. Nolte fired it up and said, "We all have hand-eye coordination but not eye-foot. This machine challenges you to find a whole new set of learning muscles."

And there's more, including Nolte's poignant, semi-eerie declaration of love for the joint: "This is where I'm going to die. And then after I'm dead, this is where they'll bring my casket and where I'll rest in peace." Yikes. Considering Tuesday's alternative, is it awful of us to be relieved he'll have to resort to plan B?

• Why I'll Miss Nick Nolte's Burned-Down House [HuffPo]

Boomp3.com

It must’ve been a case of déjà vu for actor Jonah Hill as a photographer sneaked up on him again while jogging in Hollywood. However, this time around, the photographer did not tempt Hill with cupcakes or other delicious treats. Instead, the photographer was more interested in Hill’s beard and simply asked, “What’s the deal with the beard, dude?” Hill explained that he was growing the beard because he’s going to do a guest spot on Deadliest Catch as well as to make a stab at credibility. Hill said, “Philip Seymour Hoffman has a really nice beard growing there. He’s pretty well respected. Maybe, if I had one of those things, I’d be able to do more dramatic work. Something intense or maybe a part as Nick Nolte’s crazy long lost son.”

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

• The Tonight Show via AOL's Top 5

As SAG begins its 38th day of negotiations with the majors today, the pro-AFTRA forces have added Alec Baldwin and Kevin Spacey to their list of several hundred endorsers, led by Tom Hanks and Sally Field. ...

SAG announced Tuesday it had added high-profile supporters including Jack Nicholson, Ben Stiller, Josh Brolin, Ed Harris, Amy Madigan, Viggo Mortensen, Nick Nolte and Martin Sheen. It's also amped up its PR campaign via print ads.

The SAG-AFTRA brawling also raises the key question of clout. SAG has blasted the notion of the AFTRA deal serving as a template, because AFTRA's last primetime contract generated $40 million for members while SAG's last three-year feature-primetime pact generated $4 billion over the same period. Observers say the argument makes little sense, because SAG has so many more members working in the primetime and film arena.

Elsewhere in the paper, the AMPTP gets the backhanded benefit of the doubt: "Studios could stop haggling over pennies, but that's sort of like telling an insurance company to quit low-balling you. That's just what they do — relying on any sane person to give up first." Which suggests to us there's only one solution — a fun, unscripted, winner-take-all slugfest that would conveniently circumvent any potential work stoppage following AFTRA's ratification vote next month: Ladies and gentlemen, let's play the Feud!

• SAG, AFTRA in Spin Cycle [Variety]
• SAG Misses its 'Norma Rae' Moment [Variety]

Nolte is essentially trapped in an office with his own thoughts, often mumbling along in stream-of-consciousness soliloquies.

At times, No Exit can play like a combination of an intervention meeting and a great episode of Behind the Music. Like private investigator Anthony Pellicano's discussing his crimes while serving as his own attorney, Nolte sometimes talks of himself in the third person.

In discussing his 2002 arrest for driving under the influence, Nolte steers his remarks about that highly public transgression toward his less well-known 1961 case for selling fake draft cards. "It seems like a much bigger criminal action than that silly, goofy guy that was picked up not long — about two or three years ago — which has now been voted the best celebrity mug shot. Are you proud of that? Do you want to talk to me or some celebrity that you are chasing?"

It may not be the comic treasure of Woody Allen cross-examining himself in Bananas, but for pure, rambling conversations with oneself, Nolte is a tough act to beat. Moreover, the potential influence of his breakthrough has James Lipton hoarding blue cards and Inside the Actors Studio clips for an hour-long interview with himself while Barbara Walters plots her own tell-all expose for Oscar night '09. Meanwhile, in New York, an angry Jon Stewart is claiming Nolte stole his own well-established All Me™ interview format from The Daily Show. We hear a winner-take-all self-Q&A is in the works for the months ahead.

• Nick Nolte documentary: The actor talks about the actor [LAT]

In today's episode: Sacha Baron Cohen; Adam Sandler and Richard Dreyfuss; Drew Barrymore; Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale, Omar Epps, and Arye Gross; Hayden Christensen; Jason Schwartzman; Chad Faust; Kirstie Alley; Howie Mandel; Nick Nolte; Mickey Rourke; Heidi Klum and Kathleen Robertson; Dylan McDermott; Lauren Graham; Justin Long; Rob Corddry; Christopher Mintz-Plasse; David Boreanaz; Emily Deschanel and Zachary Quinto; Nicky Hilton, David and Jeff Katzenberg; Christopher Mintz-Plasse; Danny Bonaduce; Brooke White; Monty Hall and Gary Owens.

· I saw Sacha Baron Cohen doing filming as Bruno (gay Austrian) at On Your Marks Studio in Sherman Oaks on Feb. 21st. He was dressed in tight leather black pants with a bedazzeled g-string showing. his hair was frosted blond and straight. He was interviewing parents with their children pretending to be an german / austrian ad agent looking for a child to do a car commercial. He asked questions like : are you willing to film your child with ants? bees or wasps? dogs? ect. very funny.

· Feb 20 - Adam Sandler was in the dining room of the Polo Lounge in a green t shirt at a table with a bunch of little kids. Kind of awesome. Then, in the lobby, a very old woman said, "I want something nice to snack on!" Her date, or friend, or companion, or whatever, an old guy who looked a bit like a shriveled Einstein, said, "Oh, something to do like THIS?"—and mimed shoving a candy bar in his mouth. Would it surprise you if I said that the wisened little man was Richard Dreyfuss?

· I'm simply shocked (shocked!) no one sent in Drew Barrymore at the Derby Dolls game on Saturday night (Feb 16). She sat front and center in the VIP section with some moody hipster types. I later saw her jumping up and down, all smiles talking with star jammer Mila Minute. Maybe Drew's scouting extras for her directorial debut? I've even got some photographic evidence.

· 2/20 Hugo's Studio City - Gwen, Gavin and Kingston Stefani-Rossdale looking magnificent, Arye Gross of "Ellen" notoriety, Omar Epps who only tip waitresses and the last time I saw Hayden Christensen there he hit on me, but I refuse to disclose the identify my sex.

· Feb 25 - This weekend I had two sightings at M Cafe de Chaya on Melrose. Saturday I saw Jason Schwartzman looking very cute with a nice healthy glow. Must be all that delicious Cafe M macrobiotic food! Someone was blocking his car in and he was very patient and polite. Sunday I went back to Cafe M for more deliciousness and saw Chad Faust from the USA show the 4400. I must be one of seven people that watch that show but man is the boy hot.

· Kirstie Alley: Saturday Feb 23 eating at Gingergrass in Silver Lake with two teen age girls and a couple 20 something chicks. One of her guests was eating salad; from the detritus on her plate, KA had KO'd a plate of sauteed meat and rice. KA had no make up and was dressed in large casual clothes. She's full figured but not obese, though some alpha hydroxy or laser around the lips and chin would def be a suggestion—more so than weight loss—for prettying up. No idea what they were gabbing about, they were too far away to eavesdrop on.

· last Thursday (Feb 21), having lunch in the 'bu at coogie's on pch, when who should walk in but the be-chromed dome himself, howie mandel. he was with a couple and the three of them were seated in the booth next to mine. i listened carefully as they discussed what they were going to order and waited to see what it was going to be for howie - a meal or no meal.

· then on friday, again in the 'bu, i was enjoying my delicious high protein burrito from howie's taqueria in the malibu country mart, when i see a tall-ish, dishevelled man walking my direction, wearing diaphanous, black man-made fiber pants, a black man-made fiber trench coat and a straw fedora-esque hat with a whole lotta crazy hair trying to escape from under it. as the gentlemen gets close i realize it's malibu's second favorite DUI son - nick nolte! aside from the air of crazy he exudes, what was most striking was the fact that he was wearing all that black and all that clothing in close to 80 degree weather.

· Feb 26 - I'm getting some work done at the Santa Monica Public Library, but some guy keeps snoring really loudly. I look up and am completely un-surprised to find that it's Mickey Rourke, sunglasses on and feet propped on a canvas bag. A girl politely wakes him up, and he proceeds to hit on her. Yes, that all sounds about right.

· It was a double dose of celebrity fun at 25 Degrees this afternoon (February 21st). Shortly after being seated in the far back booth for lunch, my friends and I spotted Kathleen Robertson of 90210 fame. Looking pretty and casually dressed, she ate with an older couple. Service for our meal was a little on the slow side (per usual), until it came time to pay the check and have our plates cleared. It was then we were informed that Heidi Klum needed a table — our table. We barely had a chance get up and walk away before Heidi and her entourage took over. She was shorter than I imagined; let's say 5'8".

· 2/25 - Dylan McDermott looking just as pretty as you'd expect Dylan McDermott to look cruising through Santa Monica in a black Porsche.

· 2/23 at Mexico City in Los Feliz: Lauren Graham sat in the booth next to us. She was with a couple and was looking fabulous. Still quite the (fictional) MILF!

· getting off the 10 at the 4th/5th st exit into santa monica, got cut off by some douche in a black prius. i'm able to use a pit maneuver and get in front of said douche, check my rearview and i see justin long. boytoy was in a hurry to get down to main street.

· Feb 21 - This morning! Rob Corddry! Jogging! In my neighborhood! (Almost ran over him with my car, but we won't mention that part in the awesomeness of the occasion.) Am wondering what he's doing hanging out so close to the place where they stash all the American Idol contenders each year.

· On Thursday, Feb. 28th, at about 10:10 am, I spotted David Boreanaz exiting a gas station on the corner of La Cienga and Holloway. He was in his silver mercedes, looking quite handsome.

· Feb 21 - Emily Deschanel and Zach Quinto of Heroes were at Brently Heilbron and Liz Feldman's Awesome War Show at the Comedy Central Stage Wednesday.

· Saw Zachary Quinto more times than I'd like to remember in the Silverlake hood. He seems to really think he's someone really special. He wears a hoodie over his head really low when he goes into Intelligentsia café—you know, incognito, cause he's so famous. Also, last Friday (Feb 15) at Akbar (in hood) he was occupying the service area, so the nice-guy bartender asked him to move. He refused, and actually pulled out the "Do you know who I am?" line.

· Didn't expect a star sighting at The Ivy morning of the Oscars because
I figured nobody in this town would be eating until 9pm that night,
but lo and behold, in walked Nicky Hilton and David Katzenberg, along with Jeff Katzenberg and I'm assuming a whole slew of other Katzenbergs. Things must be getting serious for Nicky if she's allowed to crash fam brunch...

· Feb 25 - I saw Christopher Mintz-Plasse (also known as McLovin of Superbad fame) coming out of a showing of Diary of the Dead at the Universal City Walk AMC Theatre on Saturday the 23rd. He was wearing a cap somewhat low (maybe so he wouldn't be recognized) but he was on his cell phone talking and I definitely recognized his voice

· Driving South on LaBrea approaching 3rd St, right by Trader Joes on Monday afternoon (2/25) when I looked out the window and spotted a unicyclist pedaling furiously on the sidewalk. Just as I was wondering to myself, just why unicyclists do what they do, I realized that this unicyclist was none other than Danny Bonaduce. And, well, since I don't understand anything he does, I just kept driving.

· Thursday night, 2/28, at the Westwood Urban Outfitters. The store had closed five minutes prior when a couple girls and a guy try to make their way in. Of course, they were denied entry by the sales staff but then the man starts pleading, saying she knows what shirt she needs. The cashier relents and that's when a perky blonde runs over to the shirt table. As soon as she opened her mouth, I recognized her as America's favorite LDS nanny from American Idol, Brooke White. I guess they do pick out their own clothes after all. I'll be looking for that white long sleeved shirt this Wednesday.

· Feb 20 - Gosh-a-roony! Just saw Monty Hall and Gary Owens (Millenials, you can Wiki them) waiting for their cars with a couple equally-aged buddies outside Factor's...Seemed pleasant in demeanor...Just four dudes kibbitzing after lunch. I grew up watching Monty and Gary back in the good old three broadcast network days, so me thinks it's always good to see some of the old school still reprezent. Bye.

The girl, now 18, was 15 at the time of a January 2003 party and, because of her age, was found to be a victim of statutory rape. [...]

A final status conference in the case was scheduled for Tuesday, but it was canceled after a settlement notice was filed in Santa Monica Superior Court last Thursday, according to a courtroom clerk.

The terms of the accord were not in court records.

Just because Nolte was not physically at the party where the crime took place, hosting matches of "Pin the IV on the Passed-Out Girl in the Tube Top" and handing out blow-and-poppers loot bags, that doesn't excuse his overly permissive behavior. Hopefully this regrettable event will serve as cautionary tale to any other hip, Hollywood fathers out there: If you're going to suffer from Accute Cool Dad Syndrome, best to have some residuals dough in the bank or at least some MOW money on the horizon to cover those pesky out-of-court settlements you may need to make in the future.

• Lawsuit Settled Over Underage Sex At Nick Nolte's Home [NBC4.tv]

Even in this state, which made Mugshot Nolte seem brimming with youthful vigor by comparison, an operative was pretty impressed with his performance in his Sundance offering, Off the Black:

I caught the premiere screening of Off the Black, a good little movie that would never play for a second outside of this snow-filled moce paradise known as Sundance, except for one thing: Nick Nolte. He gives the performance of his career, and yes, I'm counting The Hulk. Anyway, we sat up front and to the left at the Eccles Theater, which is the perfect place to witness what I call the Celebrity Scrum. You would have thought Brangelina AND the damn kids had dropped into the Eccles by the way people were nutso over Nolte, Timothy Hutton, and Sally Kirkland. This must constitute a trifecta in Sundance celebrity spotting, because flashbulbs were popping, people were gawking and pushing, and no noe took their damn seats so the film started 20 minutes late. The Q&A consisted of largely of Nick proving that the uber-gravelly voice he sports in the film is not an act.

• Complete Sundance Coverage [Defamer]

Nick Nolte has successfully completed probation ordered after his 2002 no contest plea to a misdemeanor count of driving under the influence of drugs, a judge ruled Wednesday.

Nolte was present at the hearing before Judge Lawrence Mira.

"I'm about to do `Pride and Glory,' a film in New York with Colin Farrell, and he'll just be coming out of rehab so he'll have a lot of support (from me)," the 64-year-old actor told syndicated TV show "The Insider" outside court.

We wish best of luck to Nolte, and to his newly reinvigorated and prescription medication free co-star Farrell; but our heartiest good wishes fall with Pride director Gavin O'Connor. Where the biggest problem on the set of his last major release, Miracle, may have been a pissy Kurt Russell complaining about the chilly temperatures on their hockey arena set, Pride and Glory will require the director to stretch his actor-managing skill set to the areas of CPR administration, stomach pumpings, and, perhaps most essentially, a basic familiarity with the functioning of a defibrillator.

• Nolte Completes Probation After DUI [AP]
• Previously: Colin Farrell Addicted To Something, In Rehab [Defamer]
• Nick Nolte s Messy Kiddie Pleasuredome Comes Back To Haunt Him [Defamer]

A lawsuit by parents of a teenager who says she was raped during a party at Nick Nolte's home can include evidence of previous drug and alcohol use by the actor and his son, a judge ruled Tuesday.

Nolte's publicist has said the actor was not home during the party. However, the lawsuit claims he was negligent, contending that the home had "a long history of furnishing drugs and/or alcohol to minors."

The suit states the girl, then 15, was given the date-rape drug GHB and sexually assaulted at a party on Jan. 25, 2003.

The situation poses an interesting legal dilemma: namely, can Nolte be held responsible if the party was held without his presence or consent, with the burden of proof lying with the plaintiffs to prove negligence? Then again, the photographic evidence of the neon sign over Nolte's driveway that reads "Welcome to Naughty Nick's Malibu Jailbait Playtime Roofies Palace" could successfully sway the jury to their favor.

• Drug Use Evidence Admissible in Nolte Case [AP]
• Nick Nolte Hit With Teen Sex Lawsuit [The Smoking Gun]
• Previously: Nick Nolte Sued [Defamer]

• Teen's Parents Sue Actor Nick Nolte [AP]