Gawker: Defamer, Nick Lachey

'No, Honey. You Make You Look Fat. The Jeans Just Enhance It.'

Seth — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 14:36:07 EST

Nick Lachey offers ex-wife Jessica some backhanded support. [Extra]

The Three Most Annoying Aspects Of Justin Timberlake's Latest Jessica Simpson Impersonation

Molly Friedman — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 20:30:00 EDT

As we’ve noted in the past, Stinky master of predicting the future of love sounds Justin Timberlake isn’t quite on the level of Richard Pryor or Lenny Bruce when it comes to comedy routines. After failing to elicit laughs at the Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame earlier this year, and trying out the rarely-cute attempt to evade relationship questions on Leno, Timberlake is evidently still fixated on proving he’s just bursting with comedic prowess. His latest stunt? Impersonating Jessica Simpson at the Timberlake-hosted ESPYs, airing this Sunday, by wearing a cheap blonde wig, standing in front of a cut-out of her daisy dukes, and making frightening facial expressions supposedly meant to resemble the time-traveling Tony Romo groupie. The good news? Despite these photos doing little to inspire even a smirk from us, we feel the need to point out Timberlake’s impressively hilarious impersonations of the past on Saturday Night Live, both as a tweaked out awesomer-than-thou Ashton Kutcher, and a far better Jessica Simpson impression years before:

1) Justin Reportedly 'Had His Idols Rolling In The Aisles': Not only do we doubt this, but the idea of Michael Jackson, currently being wheeled around Vegas for his ailment du jour, and Prince, hardly a "sports junkie" like Justin, falling off their auditorium seats in some sort of laugh attack just isn't an idea we can properly picture.

2) Using Truly Pathetic Lines: While in faux-drag, Us reports that Justin had the crowd in hysterics due to NippleGate-referencing jokes like "I wanted to be the only guy at a football game to get to second base!" And, while in Simpson mode, (s)he pondered possible Bennifer-esque nicknames such as the but-gusting "RoJo" or "Tessica." Howl!

3) Drag Does Not Become Him: The sight of Timberlake in a wig accompanied by a five-o-clock shadow and ungroomed mangy brows, not to mention double Ds and Jessica's thick Daisy Duke legs, is no picnic.

But! To give Timberlake mildly well-deserved credit in the jokester department, we fondly remember his "I'm Awesome!" Punk'ing Punk'd skit from his 2003 hosting gig at SNL, plus a classic bit from the same evening in which a Simpson-imitating Justin played dumb blonde to the Nick Lachey-imitating Jimmy Fallon. Even a simple throwaway joke like "Nick" telling the audience "She can't even cure a ham." Justica's response? "Aww, is the ham sick?" was made funny due to Justin's steady confidence post-solo breakout:

[Photo credits: Just Jared]

Papa Joe Simpson Officially More Ruinous To Daughters' Lives Than Dina Lohan

Molly Friedman — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 15:00:00 EDT

Has Joe Simpson gone from a pimpy fame-hungry Dadager to a bonafide nutcase? Not that we're surprised or anything, but his recent interferences with daughter Jessica's "relationship" with quarterback Tony Romo suggest there may be a few gurney-riding trips in his future. As OK! reports this week, Joe's intrusive behavior has Romo's family feeling like their son is being used and, even more disturbing, he showed up uninvited to a private Mexico vacation Jess and Tony took earlier this year. According to OK's source, "Whatever hopes Tony had of his relationship with Jessica turning into something real pretty much ended with Joe's stunt. According to his friends, they're pretty much just friends with benefits." But judging from Jess's romantic past, isn't Friend With Benefits pretty much her primary career these days?

When Tony and Jess first got together back in November, rumors abounded that Joe was the mastermind behind the set-up. Jess didn't have a whole lot to do, what with that whole acting attempt disaster weakening any Oscar dreams and, well, Joe was like totally a fan of the Cowboys quarterback! So he pimped her out, just like he'd pimped out boy toy Ryan Cabrera to Ashlee. Making matters worse, ever since Jess's divorce from Nick Lachey, all of her so-called boyfriends tend to appear completely embarrassed around the booby blonde. John Mayer denied their relationship for months, while Bam Margera chose to take the classier route and say all they did was do the deed. It seems that once her boyfriends bed her, Papa Joe enters the picture and frightens them away. We call for a Lynne/Britney-style separation, stat.

[Photo credit: Wireimage]

Tony, Jess and Joe Simpson Makes Three? [OK!]
PAPA JOE CAUSING PROBLEMS FOR JESSICA, TONY [MSNBC]

Though we caught not a single minute of NBC's...

Mark — Fri, 21 Dec 2007 15:50:40 EST

Though we caught not a single minute of NBC's gospel-singing throwdown Clash of the Choirs, we nonetheless thought you might like to know that the ragtag group assembled by Nick Lachey (a 20-strong force that "included teachers, a chili server, a nurse, cell phone and software salesmen, choir directors and college students" ) was triumphant on last night's series finale. While we're sure the hard-fought victory was sweet enough on its own, Nick and Dancing with the Stars champ brother Drew have to be pleased that the result has firmly established the Lacheys as the winningest family in the history of televised semicelebrity talent competitions. [Breitbart]

Could You Come If You Had To Look At Nick Lachey's Sex Face? A Poll

Moe — Thu, 05 Jul 2007 12:08:35 EDT

Ah, sex face. The histrionic Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god YES of the male species! But where we've all been the widely-mocked overdramatic moaner across the hall at least once, no one ever gets to laugh at the little constipated boy intensity on the face of the partner forcing us to fake it that hard. Which is why we are so very grateful to the Mexican paparazzi for capturing, albeit grainily, Nick Lachey giving it to Vanessa Minnillo from behind so she doesn't have to look at him. ANYWAY, please send us good sex face photos, because we reeeeally scraped the bottom of the barrel to bring you this sorta NSFW sex face poll.

Nick Lachey-Endorsed Online Community Offers Certified Celebrity Friendship

Seth — Tue, 15 Aug 2006 14:26:26 EDT

With the exercise ball endorsement racket not as lucrative as it once was, Nick Lachey has decided to look elsewhere for goods and services to which he can attach his name, which has evolved into a trusted brand synonymous with bad music and tabloid oversaturation. YFly, the latest venture to get the Nick Lachey stamp of approval, is a recent entrant into the crowded category of online communities. But where field leader MySpace may reign supreme with its sheer number of subscribers, it also suffers from a scourge of faked celebrity home pages. Not YFly, however, which guarantees "real celebrities, athletes, and artists - no posers!" among the "kick a** people" in its database. And how do you know your new friend is the "DaREALJessAlba," and not just some balding, middle-aged impostor preying on horny and gullible teenage boys? By marking their profiles "Certified Celebrity." Their brief FAQ explains how Lachey fits into the picture:

Who is behind YFly?
YFly was conceived by young entrepreneurs Drew Levin and Daniel Perkins while attending the University of Florida. Their vision to create the ultimate social network was accelerated when they met Nick Lachey through common friends and joined forces to bring YFly.com to life.

At the moment, Lachey's profile has only five friends, which is perhaps why his main photo has him casting down his head in shame. But with Levin and Perkins' visionary innovation of introducing systematic and authentic starfucking into the lawless wilderness of electronic social networking, we think it's only a matter of time before the virtual stalkers come knocking.

[YFly]

Us Weekly, The FBI, And The Mystery Of the Missing Hot Chicks Page

Mark — Tue, 27 Jun 2006 13:43:56 EDT

We were trying to make sense of today's LAT story on the ongoing FBI investigation of a former Us Weekly editor accused of hacking into (read: using someone else's password to access) the magazine's e-mail system to gain an unfair competitive advantage in obtaining scoops about the newest busty brunette with whom Nick Lachey may be having intercourse, when our eye drifted over to the Related News box at the right hand side of the page. The article does mention Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards by name, and is certainly an "entertainment" story, but there is no explicit mention of "hot chicks"—trust us, we checked. (In the name of research, we also visited the web presence of the aforementioned brunette to confirm her hair color and relative bustiness, and she checks out on both counts. We are nothing if not thorough.) But compounding the sin of the Topix Related News box's cynical attempt at attracting click-throughs with suggestive keywords is the fact that no "Hot Chicks" topic page exists. [Audible gasp.] We trust that the FBI will immediately abandon its piddling Us Weekly investigation and launch a new probe into Topix's criminally misleading practices.

UPDATE: A representative of Topix has informed us that the Hot Chicks page is now operational, and that their software is so artificially intelligent that the mere mention of an attractive female celebrity's name can trigger a Hot Chicks Related News recommendation. These are truly wondrous times we're living in.

Paparazzi Firm Target of FBI Search [LAT]

Jessica Simpson Makes Nick Lachey An Offer He Can Refuse

Seth — Wed, 31 May 2006 17:14:31 EDT

According to TMZ.com, Jessica Simpson has offered Nick Lachey a divorce settlement of "less than $1.5 million," an f-off number way beneath the 50 percent he's entitled to, with Simpson allegedly banking on the fact that Lachey will sooner accept the sum than engage in a nasty and embarrassing legal battle for his share of her earnings. Simpson's father/manager/creepy stringpuller Joe Simpson put in a call, TMZ reports, attempting to convince his former son-in-liability to take the money and run:

Indeed, sources have confirmed to TMZ that Joe Simpson, Jessica's dad, has called Nick, urging him to take the settlement so the two can "end as friends." And other friends and reps of Jessica have contacted Nick, trying to pressure him into a settlement.

Sources say Lachey "absolutely will not ask for spousal support," even though legally he has a right to press that claim. He will not, however, accept a paltry settlement that in no way approaches what he would be legally entitled to under the law

Lachey should take some solace in knowing that the public's sympathy, at least as measured by an unscientific Kitson shopping trends poll, falls firmly in his camp: An item in NY Daily News JV gossip Lloyd Grove's column today reports Simpson recently bought a stack of Team Jessica T-shirts, when she noticed the Team Nick pile sitting next to them was nearly sold out. The tops won't go to waste, however: Should Lachey choose to sue her for spousal support, Simpson plans on having her assistant pack them into favor-currying gift bags placed on each and every judge and jury chair, in which they'll also be delighted to find a signed DVD copy of Dukes of Hazzard, and one of the many unsold pairs of her trendy and affordable line of Princy Jeans.

Jessica to Nick — You Don't Have the Stomach To Sue [TMZ.com]
JESSICA GETS SHIRTY [NY Daily News]

Jessica Simpson Crushed Nick Didn't Coordinate Divorce Tell-All With Her

Seth — Thu, 27 Apr 2006 21:15:28 EDT

Nick Lachey's tearful testimonial to Rolling Stone about the end of his marriage—you know, the one that was poised to perfectly coincide with the release of his album and land him on the cover, but instead landed him on the front of RS sister publication Us Weekly working his best gay cruise billboard model look—has devastated ex-wife Jessica Simpson, according to an anonymous, yappy-mouthed "friend" of Lachey's:

Friends gathered at Simpson's house on the day the article came out to console her. And Lachey himself even called to check in. "He wanted her to hear it from him," says a Lachey friend. "He felt bad that she was upset. (But) Nick didn't apologize, because the things he said (in the article) only demonstrate that he loves her."
Simpson sees it differently. "What really upset her was the timing," says the insider. "Nick waited until two weeks before for his album to debut (Lachey's CD, What's Left of Me, will be released May 9] to tell a reporter that he loved Jessica. That's not cool." Furthermore, the insider adds, "he keeps saying, 'I'm sorry I couldn't make her happy,' but he is not choosing to say why."

"What's Left of Me"—could the guy have come up with a more castration-evoking album title? And the song titles are no better: "I Can't Hate You Anymore," "On Your Own," "Outside Looking In." We've got to hand it to Nick's team of songwriters: After just a few creative development meetings with Lachey and his team of handlers, they really managed to capture the desperate heartbreak the singer is looking to capitalize on with his latest release. But once they were going down that route, we can't help but wish they had gone all the way with it and made the first single a searing ballad of regret and shattered promises, titled "Beep! Jess...This is Nick...The Alimony Payment Hasn't Cleared Yet. Can I Get An ETA On That?"

Jessica 'Heartbroken' by Nick's Tell-All [People.com]

Nick Lachey Conned Into Seeming Really Gay On 'US Weekly' Cover

Seth — Wed, 26 Apr 2006 16:03:39 EDT

Page Six reports that Nick Lachey opened up to Rolling Stone about the sad disintegration of his cherished ~~reality show~~ marriage because he was promised the story would run on its cover. But wily RS publisher Jann Wenner pulled a C-list bait-and-switch on Lachey, demoting him to the cover of his other publication, glossy rag US Weekly. What's more, Nick appeared on US shirtless and engaged in the classic gay personals photo cheat stance: arms crossed and folded, thereby inflating manboobs to maximum capacity.

"At the end of the day, Rolling Stone said he needed to dish more on Jessica and Joe Simpson," our source said. "Nick said no . . . in the dark of the night, Jann gave the photos and the interview to Us Weekly."
A source added: "The Us Weekly issue [with an oiled-up, shirtless Lachey on the cover] sold really well in Chelsea, but that's about it. It was the gayest cover in years." Lachey's rep declined to comment; Wenner's rep didn't return calls.

It's yet another tough lesson for Lachey, who keeps finding himself in the unenviable position of being reminded of his second-tier celebrity status. But we can't help but feel the biggest loser in this PR slight is the public. Sure, the Us cover served up some tasty inked beefcake, but the real money shot was on the Rolling Stone cover that never went to press, featuring the titillating image of the "Ex-Househusband of the Year" pushing a Swiffer Wet Jet in nothing but a wife beater, white panties and a pair of hot pink pumps.

COVER SWITCH ENRAGES NICK [NY Post]

Nick Lachey Admits He Was Fired From His Marriage

Seth — Wed, 19 Apr 2006 19:13:15 EDT

Exer-ball infomercial spokesperson Nick Lachey opened up to Rolling Stone about exactly what went down in his divorce from Jessica Simpson, putting to rest any lingering uncertainty regarding rumors that their marriage was a played-for-the-cameras sham, that her manager/father is a meddling creep, and that Simpson was sleeping around. Turns out, the rumors were mostly true:

· "I'll tell you how I knew my marriage was over: I was told."
· "Jessica and I began playing these parts (on their MTV reality show Newlyweds) even when we were by ourselves. It became a really blurred line. There was a question about what truly was our reality."

· "I don't pretend to understand (former father-in-law) Joe (Simpson). ... I don't know if he ever liked me. To this day I couldn't say. It was painful. Do I think Joe drove a rift between us? No. Was he an influence in our marriage? Absolutely."

· "I don't know if there were other men. But if she did cheat, it was the result of something bigger, not the reason we didn't work. ... Sometimes I think it would be easier if I had just walked in the house and found her in bed with a guy. That would be clear-cut. End of story. I wouldn't have to deal with the uncertainty of adultery."

Instead, Lachey was forced to live with that cuckoldry question mark hanging over his head like a Sword of Damocles. We can only imagine the unsettling seeds of doubt planted when he first caught a glimpse of a framed, 8x10 photo of another man's genitalia sitting on his wife's makeup counter, inscribed "Can't wait to put this back inside you! Love, Johnny K."

The end, according to Lachey [USAToday.com]

Nick Lachey Finds Career Comeback As Exercise Video Salesman

Seth — Wed, 01 Mar 2006 13:37:57 EST

We were getting a touch concerned for Nick Lachey first he's reduced to asking Jessica Simpson for spousal support, then we watched him stand on the sidelines as little brother Drew cha-cha'd his way into America's hearts. But Page Six reports that Drew's career is right back on track, with an exciting new TV project geared directly to the flabby insomniac demo:

DON'T feel too bad for Jessica Simpson's soon to be ex, Nick Lachey . The former boybander just scored a cool $500,000 for agreeing to be in an infomercial. According to Us Weekly, Lachey "pumps it up" with Brooke Burke in new ads for celebrity trainer Gunnar Peterson's "Core Secret" DVDs. And because he signed the deal after his separation from Simpson, he doesn't have to give her a dime.

It must feel puh-retty nice to be able to give your ex- a call, and, after jumping through the requisite assistant hoops and actually getting her on the phone for a minute or two of niceties, casually dropping into the conversation, "Sorry, babe, Gunnar needs me on the set we're shooting the lower body fitness ball sequence now. Catch ya later!"

NOT FOR SHARING [NY Post]