In their decision to cancel an hour of primetime with another talk show, NBC has taken a wrecking ball to one of the last pillars of old media. From Network Presidents in the iron towers, to alternative comedians at open mikes in coffee houses - everyone, everyone wants Jay Leno to fail. And around the web, the press has welcomed Leno's bow tonight with all the warmth and ceremony of the nightshift at Abu Ghraib. In a media accustomed to writing glowing portraits every time a new temp comes to work with Ugly Betty, Jay is being met with stone faces all around the picnic.

For a man who made his way as the safest, middle-of-the-roadiest of entertainers since Bob Hope's late period, to suddenly find himself a public outlaw, must be a strange fate. Although the NY Times paints a picture of a man who despite a more or less meteoric rise to replacing Johnny Carson the last true king of media, has nonetheless been treated like dirt all his life, including being advised by a high school guidance counselor to consider dropping out.

The fight against Leno, for network TV partisans, has the look of a desperate final attempt at a breakout - a Battle of the Bulge - one last chance to show your might in a war whose fate has already been decided; a fight that even if they win it, still leaves the networks mortally wounded and with fewer and fewer roads to safety, or as the LA Times' Scott Collins gently put it, if Jay fails they are then let, "to flail about in search of a viable new business model."

Among the foes Leno faces when he takes to the airwaves at ten o'clock tonight:

• TV producers, writers, actors, grips, agents - everyone who takes a piece of the bloated production budgets a primetime drama throws off.
• Affiliate stations. NBC claims its okay with lower ratings than they might get from a drama because the cost of producing Leno will be so much cheaper. But that potentially leaves affiliates holding the bag as the ten o'clock hour provides the lead-in for their wholly owned local news shows.
• Every other late night host, who will have to compete for guests against a show in a far more desirable slot.
• Network executives, who make their careers on their show-picking prowess, script notes and the general meddling that the extended dramatic TV production process leaves room for, have much less to fiddle with on a talk show.
• Cool people, for whom Leno has always represented old, stody and predicable versus the edgier Conan, Kimmel or all time cool people's icon David Letterman.

In fact, the only people who stand to gain from Leno's bow are TV audiences.

You could say that if all you did was eliminate an hour of primetime network dramas and replace them with nothing, that would alone be a net gain.

If one looks at the big three's 10 pm schedules for the fall, at the alternatives to Leno, suddenly nightly installments of Jaywalking and Jay reads the wacky headlines doesn't look all that awful.

Here is the complete list of the new shows airing against Leno:
• Castle, about a mystery writer who finds a serial killer is re-enacting murders from his books (wasn't that the plot of Basic Instinct).
• The Forgotten: Another Jerry Bruckheimer cop show, this one starring Christian Slater as a man whose daughter has been abducted who hunts for other people's abducted children.
• The Good Wife: A lawyer must go back to work and returns to the courtroom after her politician husband is imprisoned.
• Eastwick: A perennially super idea: adapt The Witches of Eastwick..
• Private Practice: A Gray's Anatomy Spin-off.

When you think about it, what was the last time the networks launched a decent drama? Or even a hit one that wasn't a CSI or a NCIS? It's been a while since Desperate Housewivess and Lost came around. Fox and CW still manages to churn out some surprises like Glee and 90210. But in general, the big threes process simply exists to screw up shows that might have been gripping intense dramas had they appeared on HBO, AMC or FX.

Without Leno, that list above might have been two or three shows longer. And so for that alone, America owes him thanks. As Leno himself put it, if his show doesn't work, NBC will just have to "go back to Lipstick Jungle."

With its lineup undisturbed by any new hit comedies, NBC is seeking to fast-track at least one spec script to a pilot order for midseason consideration. Submissions deadline is Sept. 15.

The initiative is an extension of the aggressive strategy entertainment president Kevin Reilly has implemented at NBC since the network unveiled its fall schedule to advertisers in May and promised to bring in new material by any means necessary. That has included taking a second look at projects passed over by its competitors, including recent series order "Windfall," which was set up at Fox. NBC also recently ordered four cast-contingent comedies this summer and reactivated two pilots it had passed on, "Filmore Middle" and "I Love Faron Hitchman."

While August is traditionally the period networks are hearing pitches, NBC is now set to pounce on the kind of project writers might find too intimidating to subject to the traditional gantlet that is the broadcast development process. NBC could potentially shoot a project submitted now as early as January.

Please, comedy writers, take them up on their offer. The janitorial staff over at NBC is getting a little tired of president Kevin Reilly stopping them every time they come in to empty the wastebasket to ask, "A wisecracking cleaning lady and an uptight TV executive unexpectedly find themselves in a green card marriage—that's a show, right?"

• NBC seeking urgent laughs [Reuters/THR]
• Previously: NBC Gets A Colonic [Defamer]

"The success of last year, I take that with a grain of salt," McPherson, who formerly ran ABC's sister studio, Touchstone Television, said. "With this job, you're judged on what you did well last week, not last year."

Yeah, yeah perspective perspective humblehumblehumble. You know what? Humble is fucking boring! We know that the TCA's aren't exactly the upfronts, the contest where executives have to plop their engorged members on the table as advertisers stroll by with their tape measures, ruthlessly converting inches to ad dollars. But where's the swagger? Where's the Moonvesian delight in crushing your enemies, seeing them driven before you, and hearing the lamentations of the women? In short, where were McPherson's Jeff Zucker jokes? Yes, that's more of Moonves's "thing," but the network TV business is all about stealing each other's ideas. We have to wonder if Stevie Mac has the killer instinct necessary to keep ABC's foot on NBC's throat—and, perhaps more importantly, to keep Moonves from spitballing some "McPherson is my new bitch" material if his hits start to slip in the ratings.

• Desperate? Lost? Not this network [LAT]
• Previously: TV Critics Miss Les Moonves’ Thirst For Zucker Humiliation [Defamer]

Well, you're invited if you're hanging around the Fox lot and like your lunch to double as a reminder of the network's summer TV offerings. In about an hour, Fox will once again offer its huddled masses another repast of intramural promotion, grilling up "Conceited Cheeseburgers" and "Troublemaker Turkeyburgers" (oh, the beef-eschewing set is so naughty!) to honor their new reality show, Princes of Malibu. Save those free frisbees—they can conveniently double as platters for the severed heads of fallen programming execs should viewers fail to turn out to watch the spoiled scions of The 'Bu (think Growing Up Gotti, but with more "Duuude" than "Yo") butt heads with their meal-ticket dad.

The full menu follows after the jump. Your mouth is watering already.

BRANDON & BRODY'S CLASSICS:

HIGHLIFE HAMBURGERS

CONCEITED CHEESEBURGERS

TROUBLEMAKER TURKEYBURGERS

VIVACIOUS VEGGIEBURGERS

HANG TEN HOT DOGS

MALIBU MARINATED CHICKEN BREAST

PRINCES' POTATO SALAD

BY-THE-"SEA"SAR SALAD

SURFSIDE SWEETS:

ASSORTED PIES & ICE CREAM

$7.50 tax included

• Princes of Malibu [Fox.com]
• Previously: Corn Dogs Take Away The Pain

"Don't go there" is the operative message for those looking for the titillation of sexy gay programs like Showtime's "Queer as Folk" and "The L Word" (though Showtime Networks, also owned by Viacom, is a sponsor on the new channel).

Brian Graden, president of Logo and MTV Networks Entertainment, explained the philosophy behind Logo's schedule. "When you tell a story about gay rodeo or gay surfers it's not a story about sex nor does it need to be," he said in an interview. "So much connects us beyond sexuality."

New series will include "First Comes Love," which begins July 4, a comedy makeover show in which the comedian Scott Thompson and a wedding planner help about-to-be-married gay and lesbian couples plan their nuptials in two weeks. Documentaries will feature a variety of gay lives: rugby players, surfers, rural dwellers, Cubans and Republicans.

You've been warned: While the gay rugby series Up and Scrummers 14 might sound like a sweaty romp, it's probably just going to be a touchy-feely, thirtysomething-style dramedy.

• Logo, a New Gay Channel, Looks 'Beyond Sexuality' [NYT]


• MTV Goes Gay [Defamer]

"Girlfriends," a UPN program about a group of black women, ranked No. 1 in May among black Philadelphians using local people meters, and the CBS crime drama "CSI" was first under the previous system, Nielsen said.

The ramifications of this exciting discovery will undoubtedly ripple through the networks. Viacom co-chair Les Moonves will be livid when he finds out that his UPN netlet has been poaching viewers from the higher ad rates of CBS; expect him to mandate that black families move in next door to all of the skinny wives and fat, bumbling husbands of the network's sitcoms immediately in order to get these "minority viewer" eyeballs where they belong.

• TV Meters Give Shows Aimed at Minorities a Lift [Bloomberg/LAT]

Several advertisers said they had withheld money from NBC, with one buyer estimating that her firm bought 60% less NBC ad time this year than last year. Some buyers credited Viacom Inc. co-President Leslie Moonves with affecting the way they viewed NBC. During CBS' presentation of its schedule, Moonves detailed the steep declines of NBC's Thursday-night shows, adding: "And they just renewed the entire night."

We really have to admire the new and exciting ways that Moonves finds to humiliate his competitor. He's like a little kid (perhaps driven to cruelty by countless trips to the dentist for a painful, professional whitening—but we digress, because it's too early for this kind of dimestore psychoanalysis), who suddenly discovers that a simple tube of Crazy Glue will allow him to rip off the fly's wings over and over again, then loses an entire summer when he figures out it works for the legs and eyes as well.

• NBC Ad Sales Said to Be Less Than in 2004 [LAT]


• The Upfronts: Moonves Keeps Hammering Away At Zucker [Defamer]

*Men's embroidered denim shirt by Theory. This Bohemian style shirt has beautiful, intricate embroidery in a light shade of rose. Worn by David Cross of ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT the suggested retail value is $225 and has the original tags attached. Opening bid: $45.

Since we're not employed by Fox, we can't buy the shirt ourselves. But should a pair of Tobias' infamous Daisy Dukes ever turn up at auction, we'll proudly don our Peter Gallagher fright eyebrows and try infiltrate the lot as an ersatz Sanford Cohen for a shot at owning those sweet, sweet, ass-baring cutoffs.

This week's other items follow after the jump, including a bustier bought for (but never worn by) a certain celebutante.

This week's exciting items include:

*Men's embroidered denim shirt by Theory. This Bohemian style shirt has beautiful, intricate embroidery in a light shade of rose. Worn by David Cross of ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT the suggested retail value is $225 and has the original tags attached. Opening bid: $45.

*Girl's/women's blue jeans by Juicy Couture. These size 25 jeans were used in an ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT photo shoot and were worn by Alia Shawkat. Although one back pocket is missing you can still get lots of wear out of these stylish, supersoft jeans that normally retail for $150. Opening bid: $40.

*You can never go wrong with a Penguin shirt! Made by Munsingwear this size large red striped polo style shirt was worn by Adam Brody of the hit FOX show THE O.C. While the brand has been around for years it has had resurgence in popularity thanks to stars like Brad Pitt who frequently sports a Penguin. Original Barney's tag showing price of $50 attached. Opening bid: $20.

*Dark blue bustier by Guess. This size S/P bustier is made of stretch denim and has a front eyelet closure. Original tags still attached, this item was purchased for Paris Hilton of THE SIMPLE LIFE 3, but appears to have never been worn and has a retail value of $59. Opening bid: $20.

*Dark blue mini-skirt in size 26 by Guess. Made of stretch denim this garment has side eyelet closures as well as metal rivet detailing on front pockets. Original tags still attached this item was purchased for Paris Hilton of THE SIMPLE LIFE 3, but appears to have never been worn. Retail value: $69. Opening bid: $30.

Bids must be placed IN PERSON during the Studio Store business hours of Monday through Friday 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. PHONE BIDS ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT BE TAKEN. Bidding will end at 3 p.m. Friday, June 10th. The winning bidders have until 3 p.m. the following Monday to pay for and pick up their item. For further auction details and to view the items please stop by the Studio Store where they are on display.

• Fox Auction: Feel Rich And Callous In Caleb Nichol’s Power Suit [Defamer]


• Whore A Mile In Paris’ Shoes, Get Into Ryan Seacrest’s Pants [Defamer]

The WB network has agreed to air Trojan commercials after 9 p.m., starting with a 30-second spot during "Smallville." NBC has also approved a Trojan commercial, and Trojan was negotiating on Tuesday to place a commercial in the network's 10 p.m. hour tonight.

We've already seen how the happy fun-time folks at the Parents Television Council reacted to Paris Hilton's harmless, burger-fellating, garden-hose-crotch-flossing Carl's Jr. ad; they're going to shit a collective cinderblock over primetime condom spots, claiming that the networks are on a slippery slope to running hourlong informercials following King of Queens for Bareback Q. Sodomite's Ass-Slammin' AstroLube. Which, of course, will immediately be adapted into an hourlong dramedy on Showtime.

• Condom Ads Hit Network TV [ABC News]

It's impossible to be tough on Ligouri - he's clearly the most charismatic of all of these jackanapes leading their respective upfronts. His bits were funny, he seemed much more natural, etc. It was almost possible to look past some of the monstrosities they were pushing, like:

"The War at Home," a sitcom with Michael Rappaport playing a "modern day Archie Bunker" (their words), which offered hilarious gags like Rappaport asking his wife about whether it's true about the size of black men's penises after she said she had experience with another race before they dated. "Well, it depends on the guy," she says. Cue Rapaport gasping and going bug-eyed ("there was more than ONE?!"), barely restraining the urge to slap his hands to his cheeks and look into the camera.

When Liguori announced their shockingly reality-free schedule, we worried that Fox was trying to go highbrow on us, so we're heartened to hear that they're finding new, exciting, and Guild-friendly ways to supply their trademark brand of entertainment. If they're not going to slice up ugly chicks with bad home lives and press them into a beauty pageant of the damned, at least we're going to get some good, old-fashioned racist dick jokes instead.

• We’re Really Going To Miss The Upfronts [Defamer]


• The Upfronts: Fox Tries To Class Up The Joint A Little [Defamer]

Highlights included a ridiculous Star Wars take off, with the 'Fox Sales Force', taking on "Darth Moonves", a skit of P-Lig (as I call Peter Liguori) in his first day on the job, which includes such hilarious antics as borrowing Peter Gallagher's eyebrows (it was kinda funny, I shamefully admit), and capped with with an awkward kiss between Peter Liguori and Pam Anderson while P-Liq's wife looked on in...well, acceptance I suppose. My highlight was Peter Liguori clapping by himself during all of the shows which got absolutely zero response from the crowd of less-than-enthused burned out ad execs who were just itching to get to the open bar awaiting them.

And because we must (we must!): Feeling the need to stoke the flagging enthusiasm of the exhausted media buyers, Liguori then played a video of he and Les Moonves gluing a pair of comically-oversized Gallagher eyebrows on the freshly-shaven hindquarters of a Jeff Zucker stand-in, loosening their belts, and...well, you're going to have to imagine what happened next. Let's just say that the part where Liguori and Moonves high-fived after the simultaneous completion of a certain act could be considered overkill, but the applause from the newly-energized crowd was thunderous.

• Les Moonves Vs. The Lord Our God: Vegas Odds Have Moonves At 5:2 [Defamer]


• The Upfronts: Fox Tries To Class Up The Joint A Little [Defamer]


• The Upfronts: Moonves Keeps Hammering Away At Zucker [Defamer]

Also: Drudge takes on a slightly larger target, our boss Nick Denton's head.

• CBS MOONVES: 'GHOSTS SKEW BETTER THAN GOD' [Drudge]

Well, that would've been more interesting what the newly-restrained Fox announced. No new, exploitative reality shows were put on the Fall schedule, severely limiting the opportunities of the world's bastards to enjoy a televised reunion with a group of out-of-work actors who may or may not be biological relations. Other than the network's eschewing of its tasteless bread and butter, the one interesting move was the shift of beloved underperformer Arrested Development from Sunday to Monday nights, where it will be allowed to run long enough to make a pretty DVD set, or without The Simpsons as a lead-in, start sloughing off enough viewers that Liguori can kill it off without being pelted with foam bananas.

We're still holding out hope that Fox will finally give to its baser urges and drop a reality love-bomb on us in midseason, like having Paris Hilton and her new Simple Life sidekick adopt Guatemalan babies and record their hilariously inept efforts to keep the tykes alive. They'll come through for us, they always do.

• Fox Adds Five New Dramas to Schedule [AP]


• FOX ANNOUNCES NEW PRIMETIME SLATE [Futon Critic]

The co-president of Viacom is known for his charm with the press, for whom this meeting is arranged annually. He should also be known for his contempt for NBC. Having joked about the macabre overtones of the word "unveiling," Mr. Moonves said that it might have been the mot juste to describe the television schedule announced on Monday — at NBC's upfront.[...]

"We're happy to give Jeff Zucker his only hit this year," Mr. Moonves continued, referring to the president of NBC Universal and "Medium," a successful drama for that network that was produced by Paramount, which is owned by Viacom.

This aggression will not stand! When Jeff Zucker gets around to smoothing out the veiny impression that Moonves' manhood left across his bald pate, there needs to be some retaliation. But he'd better move quickly, as Moonves certainly isn't above teabagging his NBC rival with taunts about Father of the Pride while Zucker tries to figure out whether or not he can have Julie Chen deported.

• CBS HEADQUARTERS | 05.18 12:20 PM [NYT]


• Previously: Zucker Vs. Moonves: Executive Cockfight [Defamer]

"We're in a position now where we're younger — we're certainly hipper.

"I can almost guarantee you we're going to be up in 18 to 49," he added, referring to the 18- to 49-year-old demographic coveted by advertisers.

Hear that, Grandpa? The days of the Tiffany network spoon-feeding you television tapioca are over! Moonves knows where his Nielsen bread is buttered, and he's sending some kids with shag haircuts to beat you to death with their skateboards, then they're going to sell your WWII medals on eBay for Pogs money. And just how are Moonves and Co. going to capture these younger eyeballs? Three words:

Mandy. Fucking. Patinkin.

The kids are wild for Patinkin, and his FBI drama is sure to put foot to key demographic ass and dutifully record the names of those whose posteriors were rapidly displaced.

Also notable: Ghost Whisperer, in which CBS cashes in on the hot juggsy psychic trend and turns Jennifer Love Hewitt's prodigious rack into antennae highly attuned to paranormal tomfoolery, and Close to Home, a curveball from Jerry Bruckheimer, which will just be an hour of Uncle Jerry sitting in his deck chair, drinking Coronas, and seductively tracing the outline of his package with an extended pinky. Sure, it's a departure, but Moonves has learned to trust the man who's practically programmed his entire network.

• CBS seeks younger viewers with new fall lineup [Reuters]


• CBS Hopes To Stay on Top with New Schedule [Zap2It.com]


• CBS ANNOUNCES 2005-2006 PRIMETIME SCHEDULE [Futon Critic]

• The WB's Schedule Mixes New and Old [Zap2It.com]


• THE WB ANNOUNCES 2005-06 PRIMETIME SCHEDULE [Futon Critic]

"It's not a political story," said Stephen McPherson, ABC entertainment president. "It's the story of a woman; it's the story of a wife; it's the story of a family."

Whew, what a close call! For a second there, we thought that ABC was going to try and tell us women know something about politics. It will certainly be a relief to all of ABC's viewers that they're just setting Desperate Housewives in the White House and leaving all of that pointy-headed gub'ment stuff to the book-larned menfolk. Other takes on Desperate Housewives designed to keep ABC's ratings momentum lurching forward:

Hot Properties: Desperate Housewives as a sitcom and moved to a real estate office in New York;
Invasion: Housewives, if Martha Cross were an alien;
Freddie: Freddie Prinze Jr masturbates to a freeze frame of Eva Longoria and cries himself to sleep, full of angst that his wife demanded that he finally get a job, even if it will only last three episodes;
My Wife and Kids: Desperate Housewives, but a sitcom and canceled

As expected, the network didn't fiddle with its world-beating Sunday night schedule, content to let their competitors line up to be bent over the Extreme Makeover/Housewives log and made to squeal like second-place pigs.

• ABC Unveils Its Fall Schedule [AP]


• ABC's second act [Variety]


• ABC Sched Press Release [The Futon Critic]

This year, a fourth-place, humbled NBC donned their hair shirts and begged for forgiveness. From the LAT "Web Notebook" from the upfronts (if they called it a blog, they'd have to pay the union dues), more tales of contrition (second entry from top, 6:30pm):

Perhaps never in the history of television has one network been so thoroughly "sorry." First, NBC President Jeff Zucker stood before the press and didn't even try to mince words about his network's fall from first to fourth place, announcing, among other things, that "we stunk up the joint" on Tuesday nights.

"We totally get it," Zucker told the assemblage, a small, contrite variation on the small, bullish maestro who stood on the same stage last year, promising another year of must-see TV... "In prime time this year, we did not have the season we wanted to have, or that we said we would," Zucker apologized. [...]

Then a video lampoon of the year had NBC Entertainment President Kevin Reilly screaming, "The horror! The horror!" as characters from last year's tanked "Father of the Pride," "Aloha" and "LAX" floated around him.

Perhaps most effective at communicating NBC's contrition was a short film directed by Lars von Trier, in which departed Friends Lisa Kudrow, Courteney Cox-Arquette, and Jennifer Aniston surrounded the two executives and beat them bloody with a variety of gardening tools, while Frasier's Kelsey Grammer watched from a lawn chair, cackling in his signature baritone while being serviced by a peacock. The movie is currently being adapted for television as a mid-season replacement.

• 4th Means Always Having to Say You're Sorry [LAT]


• Upfront Overconfidence: Jeff Zucker, Then And Now [Defamer]