We in Hollywood are used to being bought and sold like day labor on a sugar plantations, but our dignity hangs on at least maintaining a certain level of glamor in our masters. Studios have been sold to the French, the Japanese, Austrians, Canadians and even New Yorkers. But to have one of Hollywood's great studios fall into the hands of Philadelphians...a city which from where we sit on our porches in Malibu, is indistinguishable from Topeka or Des Plaines, is an indignity that the hometown of Rita Hayworth and Nicole Richie never believed could befall it.

Well, like it or not, the Philadelphians are coming. And based on the City of Brotherly Love's history, here's a few changes we can expect them to implement.

• Battery Throwing: Hurling batteries at the heads of those who earn their scorn is one of Philadelphia's most hallowed traditions. Under Comcast, we can expect attendees at red carpet premieres to receive packs of 9-volts in their swag bags, which in the event of substandard entertainment values, they can aim at the eyebrows of the cast and crew.
• Cheese Whiz: Philadelphia is one of the great culinary capitals of America, having earned the rare honor of being put collectively on a diet by their mayor. The abstemious dining habits of Hollywood will not sit well with the new bosses, who will have all Zone delivery trucks stopped at the studio gates so the guards can forcibly apply Philadelphia's beloved condiment, Cheese Whiz, to all items.
• Democracy Babylon: Philadelphia is home to the Liberty Bell, Constitution Hall and Benjamin Franklin. We in Hollywood, appropriately, like to shun old stuff like that, but the times they have a' changed. While Hollywood isn't old enough, thank God, to remember those days before Democracy was cool, we can certainly pretend we were there better than anyone. After all, Abraham Lincoln (he was in on the revolution, right?) lives at Disneyland. That may not be much but its a good place to start. If we want to make our new masters feel at home, we'll get into the shrine to democracy business, big-time; making use of what bits of history we can grab on to. For instance, Barry Bostwick portrayed General George Washington in perhaps the finest mini-series ever made about the life of America's big kahuna. Why not start a city-wide campaign to honor all the places touched by Bostwick, hanging plaques reading "The Man Who Played George Washington lunched here" all over town.
• Ketchup Table Talk: For decades, one of the great sources of debate for the people of Philadelphia has been the best way to pour ketchup. As Pennsylvania is the home of the Heinz company, the people of the state gape in disgust and horror at the condiment barbarians who stick knives into their bottle. Executives wishing to curry favor with their bosses should be prepared to discuss their family's method, passed down through the generations, for shaking loose a densely-packed bottle, involving rotating it a quarter-turn to the left and then-three quarters to the right, followed by two extremely delicate karate chops directly applied to the "1869" on the label. Only this will convince the new overlords that his executive possesses the proper sophistication to steer a major communications company.
• Rocky: Philadelphians love their native son, boxing legend Rocky Balboa. They love him so much that they apparently think he's a real person, commemorating his career with a statue of him in front of their art museum. If we're going to avoid embarrassing the new chiefs, someone needs to get to Stallone and tell him that if he drops the act, he's finished for real this time. Just stop by the commissary and tell a few stories about how you fended off Clubber Lang and the bosses can go back home and tell their kids, "You won't believe who I met!"

This of course is just a start. The Philidelphiazation of Hollywood is going to be a long hard road for us all and the sooner we get started the easier it will be for us all. Wearing ties to work now and then wouldn't kill anybody. And how about instead of AA meetings, we start a club to try and get a football team in LA? Anyone going to 4H tonight?

• Having his tawdry personal life ripped wide open for the world to see isn't doing David Letterman any harm ratings-wise. The Hollywood Reporter writes, "Far from hurting the host's popularity, the sex-and-extortion headlines seemingly have had little impact on his late-night show and possibly even helped the series grow its viewership compared with last year." Season to date, The Late Show is up four percent in viewership, compared to its main competitor NBC's Conan O'Brien who has taken just a tiny 47 percent drop this season compared to Leno's performance in the slot last year. [Hollywood Reporter]

• In the end, Michael Jackson came through. After a back and forth over the past two weeks over whether the hype machine was properly calibrated to the public level of enthusiasm for the rehearsal documentary, This Is It earned a decent $21 million at the US box, although this morning's write-ups focus on the more impressive sounding world tally of $101 million, ample to earn Sony back its $60 purchase price. (Which is odd in that Monday morning box office write-ups almost never mention international grosses, generally taking the US box office as the whole magilla.) The consensus view seems to focus now on the stat that This will become the highest grossing concert film in history. Which is not quite the "Biggest Movie of All Time Ever In History" the media seemed to be heralding a week ago, but still nothing to sneeze at. [Box Office Mojo]

• Elsewhere at the box office, Paranormal Activity continued its run, taking the number two slot and bringing its total domestic haul to $84 million. Saw 6 fell off 60 percent from its already unimpressive opening weekend numbers giving faint hope that the series' day may be drawing to a close (but don't count on it.) [Variety]

• The NBC/Universal drama is on the brink of resolution. Comcast is said to have reached a tentative agreement to buy the studio and network, with an announcement expected at any time. [NY Times]

• Katie Holmes will star in and earn her first producing credit for The Romantics, a film about eight college friends who reunite for a wedding also starring Anna Paquin, Elijah Wood and Malin Ackerman. [Variety]

• Meet your new action hero overlord: Chris Pine. Already fronting the rebooted Star Trek franchise, Pine has signed on to play the Jack Ryan role previously portrayed by Harrison Ford and Alec Baldwin in a new go-around adapting Tom Clancy's series of espionage novels. [Variety]

• For those CBS and Viacom employees who feel each day the burden of the Redstone yoke, you can take heart today; Sumner is now less your owner than he was last week. The octillionaire mogul has been selling off the debt of his holding company, National Amusements. For now, however, NA still retains the controlling interest. [Variety]

• As the world waits for the final outcome of Vivendi/GE/Comcast talks over the fate of NBC Universal, Nikki Finke reports that Comcast wants the deal "done and announced in November." So there. [DHD]

• Curse be damned! ABC has won the competition to be the next network to fail with a sitcom by a former Friends star, locking up rights to the Matthew Perry project. [THR]

• The Wrap reports that Alex Young, Co-President of Production at 20th Century Fox is being moved out of the job and into a producing deal. Young was a Tom Rothman protege who has been in the job since 2007. [The Wrap]

• Always on the lookout for a feel good project, director Gus Van Sant and novelist Bret Easton Ellis have picked up the rights to "The Golden Suicides," Nancy Jo Sales' Vanity Fair article about the deaths of downtown artists Theresa Duncan and Jeremy Blake. [Variety]

• The creator of the Gilmore Girls is coming to HBO. Exec-Producer Amy Sherman-Palladino has signed a deal to develop a dramedy for the cable network. She described the project as the "story of love, hate, family — and finding the perfect opening line," [THR]

• This is what it's come to in the strange, contorted career of Bill Murray; taking Joe Pesci's leftovers. For those who thought Murray's Zombieland cameo was just a little strange— that he was too big, or had been too big a star for the joke about Woody Harrelson being obsessed with him to completely click — you are right. In an interview with Hitfix, Murray revealed the walk on had been intended for Joe Pesci — with whom the joke would have made a lot more sense — but that Murray took the part after Pesci passed. [Hitfix]

• It's a waiting game to see whether Vivendi will exercise its put option on its remaining 20 percent stake in NBC Universal, possibly sending the network studio hybrid into the fabled lands of IPO. While the anticipation mounts, Vivendi's chair said the company would take the next few months to make up its mind. [Variety]

• Oprah's Harpo Productions, Sam Mendes and Focus Features are teaming up to bring Joseph O'Neill's celebrated cricket pot-boiler Netherland to the big screen. [Variety]

• Spike Lee and Robert DeNiro announced plans to make a series about Alphabet City for Showtime. Alphaville will be an ensemble drama set in the 1980's. [Hollywood Reporter]

• With a mere two months until its release, pre-sales of tickets for New Moon the second installment of the Twilight saga have been brisk, with many locations reporting showings have already sold out. [Hollywood Reporter]

• What you won't read much about in the trades is the rumors about the trades themselves. Yesterday, Nikki Finke declared Variety was planning to take its website behind a pay wall and the Hollywood Reporter to cease publication entirely. The Wrap attempted to find the truth behind the rumors. It quotes a "high level" Reporter exec reacting "with amusement" to Finke's item, while Variety remained oblique about its online plans. [The Wrap]

NBC Universal—which runs, among other things, NBC, MSNBC, CNBC, USA Network, Universal Studios, and a bunch of theme parks—pulled in a profit of $391 million in the first quarter of 2009, versus $712 million in the first quarter of the previous year.

It's yet another colossal failure in Zucker's cap: He single-handedly engineered the demise of NBC from first place to fourth; he spent insane amounts of money on the Olympics in Athens and Beijing, which netted great ratings but not enough ad revenue to keep profits growing; he hired a club-kid to run NBC; and he acknowledged defeat last month. But he keeps on keeping his job, maybe because he dazzles and confuses his General Electric boss Jeffrey Immelt with reflections from his exceedingly bald head.

NBC Universal blames the profit drop squarely on the broadcast television unit, which lets it mask poor executive decisions behind the general advertising recession. Yes, local TV advertising is down because nobody is buying cars. But NBC also says that the Super Bowl was a drag on profits:

While NBC aired Super Bowl XLIII to great ratings success, there were significant production costs to air the big game, combined with rights fees paid to the NFL. Those expenses added up to $45 million in the quarter.

"Ratings success" understates it: Super Bowl 43 was the most-watched Super Bowl game in history, and the second-most watched program in the history of television. That's right: NBC Universal is explaining it's poor performance last quarter by saying that it got stuck with broadcasting the No. 2 television broadcast since the medium was invented. Tough luck guys!

Also dragging down profits were expenses relating to the Beijing Olympics, another huge ratings success that, in the normal course of business, ought to mean more money, not less. DVD sales were also down significantly.

On the upside, NBC Universal's cable networks were up 19%, which explains why executives were describing boring old USA this week as the company's "single biggest asset."

Yes, good ole USA Network is busy paying the bills while NBC honcho Ben Silverman naked arm wrestles with people and Lauren Zalaznick at Bravo obsesses over hipsters in Bushwick.

"USA is the single biggest asset that we currently have at this company," an NBC Universal cable exec told the Associated Press.

The network had more viewers than any other cable network in history in the the first quarter. USA and SciFi (soon to be "SyFy") Channel alone threw off $1 billion in profit last year, or about a third of the take for the entire company, which has upwards of eight networks and a studio production operation, among other assets, but which makes two thirds of its TV money off cable channels.

USA "really hit the jackpot," AP writes, on re-runs of shows like House and NCIS. Then there's the booming pro wrestling segment and original USA cop shows like Monk and In Plain Sight.

It's great that the advertising depression is bringing USA good press, because as soon as the easy money returns it's getting sent back to the nerd table with SyFy and the Weather Channel faster than you can say "Walker, Texas Ranger."

"SyFy" sounds exactly like "Sci Fi" when you say it, but, as Richard noted in the Trade Roundup, NBC Universal will own it now. For years, NBC executives had longed to trademark the channel's own name, but legal kept telling them you can't trademark a genre of entertainment for lonely obsessives. So they spent years, and paid a branding company gobs of money, to come up with SyFy.

The fact that a Floridian named Michael Hinman discovered that you can creatively misspell Sci Fi more than 10 years ago, when he founded a web site that eventually became the SyFy Portal, which covered many of the Sci Fi Channel's shows, seems not to have bothered NBC Universal. A couple months ago, SyFy Portal abruptly changed its name to Airlock Alpha, which the site's founder says was done "indirectly because of" the Sci-Fi Channel's decision to steal and/or buy the name.

Accompanying the name will be the channel's new slogan, "Imagine Greater," which means nothing and is grammatically incoherent.

Nikki Finke says it's all Jeff Zucker's fault.

The Writers Guild of America has initiated disciplinary proceedings against Leno, Variety reports, and could ultimately expel or suspend his union membership. The union is upset that Leno wrote his own material in January 1008, in the weeks before the writers strike ended, allowing the Tonight Show to return to the air and compete against David Letterman, who owned his Late Show outright and was thus able to settle with the union early. Had Leno not come back, Letterman almost certainly would have clobbered him in the ratings.

NBC said at the time the union gave Leno permission to write his own material in a meeting and that the union's prior contract allowed him to do so anyway.

What ramifications a union expulsion or suspension would have for Leno's new 10 pm show are unclear. But it would definitely be embarrassing for the late-night host to be slapped by the union he publicly supported in a big way during the writers strike last fall. Sounds like the union isn't too happy with Leno annexing a huge chunk of NBC's prime time. At least the time didn't go to reality shows, guys. Those programs barely even have writers.

The report comes courtesy of ABC News, which could only be a more delicious payback if Silverman-insulted ABC head Steve McPherson delivered the news personally, while taking the network's peacock mascot from behind.

Also, naturally, the brothel that was frequented by the unnamed NBC VP also serviced Eliot Spitzer—though they eventually banned Spitzer for being too aggressive (something they would never have to worry about from a flailing, Leno-appeasing NBC VP). The brothel's madam, Kristin Davis (not that one!), is fed up about prosecutors' disinterest in her comprehensive client list:

"Some of these guys, I was invoicing on corporate credit cards," she said. "I was writing up monthly bills for computer consulting, construction expenses, all of these things, I was invoicing them monthly so they could get it by their accountants," Davis said.

A spokesperson said district attorney Robert Morgenthau had "no comment" on the handling of Davis' case or her allegations.

Davis provided ABC News with a print-out of her computerized client list, the same one she says that was offered to the district attorney.

The document shows Davis kept meticulous notes about her clients, their credit card numbers and mobile phone numbers.

Silverman has announced plans to buy said list, adapt it into a mediocre sitcom (starring... let's go with Cheri Oteri as Davis) and broadcast it in five-minute increments seeded in between Leno's new 10pm slot and Conan. It will be called Fun Fun.

• CEOs, Bankers Used Corporate Credit Cards for Sex, Says New York Madam [ABC via DHD]

Recalling our own concerns from earlier this summer, when it looked like Bravo had handed the hit show's marketing campaign to an intern and the night janitor, the Weinsteins filed papers last Friday saying the network went out of its way to torpedo the franchise rather than see it flourish elsewhere. We can vouch for that on one hand — this season's competitor crop was no doubt the messiest of hot tranny messes to befall the series — but Weinstein Co. lawyers plan to unpack the real faux pas in court:

TWC said some of the things Bravo did to sabotage the ratings and value of the show included changing the show's airtime; running a small number of ads; creating "mundane and unappealing" ads; providing little information for the press about the season premiere; and revealing spoilers about future episodes.

The company also alleges that when Bravo began to suspect that the show might move to a rival network, it created "copycat shows" based on the Runway format.

Bravo's parent company, NBC Universal, said in a statement: "Not only do we categorically disagree with the Weinstein's Co.'s assertions, but the fact is that Season 5 was the most-watched and highest-rated Project Runway cycle ever."

Yes and no, notes one observer, who points out that Bravo's bookkeeping creatively combined the season finale's first airing and rerun for a "a whopping 7.158 million total viewers," adding that the episode featuring Leanne Marshall's win was down nearly 300,000 viewers from 2007's Siriano crowning (and twice that many from the '06 finale). Bravo's defense team, meanwhile, bristled at the claim it featured "mundane and unappealing" ads; surely they didn't pack the complex, half-ass quality of the stick figures pushing the Weinsteins' Zack and Miri Make a Porno, but really — what does? Prepare to add another notch in the Weinstein "loss" column.

• Weinsteins strike back at Bravo over 'Runway' [THR]

Another source said: "Basically, Bravo took all the benefits of the 'Project Runway' brand without being a good partner..."
The producers of Project Runway fear Bravo is stalling to get Fashion House on air before the court case is resolved and capture the original show's viewers.

Oh man, NBC is being a bad partner to poor Harvey "I Own New York Media" Weinstein? Just wait until the angry calls and emails start pouring in on that outrage, Jeff Zucker! Just you wait!!

"I was hired to come in and help transform our model," Silverman says. "Day to day I'm maybe 80% revenue-oriented and business-oriented. I'm working with ad sales. Connecting with broadcast partners and connecting with advertiser clients globally. ... The reality is we've got to collectively be thinking about how we put shows together and get them financed, and people are resisting that."

At NBC, Silverman has introduced international co-productions to the mix, starting with the upcoming "Crusoe."

Because it's shot overseas, "Crusoe" costs less than half of an average hourlong drama. And with U.K. producer Power funding more than 75% of the show, it's a virtually risk-free investment for NBC.

"Instead of a 3 rating, we can survive with a 1.2 rating," Silverman says.

It's unclear if Silverman will even stick around long enough to see if his model will yield the kinds of turkey-resistant results he envisions, and help NBC turn a profit despite future Nielsen-stillborn brainstorms like Soap Star Illusionists and Supertrain 3000. Variety reports that "Zucker has already begun conversations with Silverman...about his future at the network." You know—the kinds of "conversations" in which Zucker pulls out a giant binder of golden parachute fabric swatches, and stands over Silverman's shoulder as he thumbs through its glistening pages.

• Ben Silverman's Peacock problem [Variety]

But let not his gnome-like stature fool you: Zucker's quick rise to supreme power at the G.E.-held media conglomerate was no upwards-failing accident. This former "captain of his high-school tennis team" applies the same ruthless brutality of his deadly slices and backhands to the business of hacking away the fat hindering a rapidly evolving medium:

Zucker’s most audacious and controversial move was to dramatically slash the number of pilots NBC will produce each season. Instead of about 20, he’s funding about five. [...]

Zucker relishes pointing out that for every 80 pilots made, only eight become shows and just one of those becomes a hit. That ratio, he explains, works only if your hits generate enough money to pay for all those misses. But in today’s fragmented media landscape, that math has broken down, leaving the networks scrambling to monetize their content in new ways, via the Web, DVDs, and digital downloads. [...]

Zucker has come under fire for ditching the pilots, but Ben Silverman, Zucker’s choice to run NBC Television and the man who must implement the new mandate, is diplomatic about its reception in the creative community: “There are moments of loneliness when you are out in front.”

Silverman is right. Like the amazing accomplishments of the U.S. Olympic swim team giving their network its best ratings in two-and-a-half years, sometimes you simply have to revel in the glorious solitude that comes with being a full pool-length ahead of your nearest competitor. (Not ratings-wise, of course—he wouldn't have even qualified if that was the criteria—but for the sheer audacity of his vision.) Yes, for the misunderstood mavericks of TV 2.0, it's merely a matter of confidently zigging while the other guy zags, then sitting down with a glass of 130-year-old Scotch poured over peacock-shaped ice cubes to take in the fruits of your visionary, Antonio Sabato Jr.-on-a-unicycle labors.

• Zuckervision [Portfolio]

Time Warner CEO Jeff Bewkes said Monday the media giant has "no agenda" regarding the acquisition of a television network, despite renewed speculation over a possible hook-up with NBC Universal.

"All of us are wondering what will happen to the networks," Bewkes said at a media conference in Gotham. As for NBC, "We'd have a look at that if and when it came up."

"If and when" Universal would be willing to part with their attractive NBC media-holdings portfolio—encompassing a wide array of gladiatorial and celebrity-trapeze entertainments, plus the talent-show-judging services of David Hasselhoff—we're all but certain a merger-hungry Time Warner will be there to swoop in with an extremely generous number, plus some sketched-out logo ideas for the newly rechristened NBC Time Warner Telemundo Television iVillage Bravo Studios. © Time Warner 2008. All Rights Reserved.

• Time Warner dispels NBC rumor [Variety]

NBC Universal Chief Executive "Jeff Zucker has been a friend of mine for many years," Weinstein said today at a lunchtime programming presentation hosted by Lifetime Networks at a posh midtown Manhattan restaurant. "Over the next three years, once I finish my servitude of cleaning his house, driving him to work every day, baby-sitting the kids and taking [his wife] Karen shopping, I think we will be friends again. ...

Weinstein declined to comment on [an NBCU lawsuit] Monday, but said, "I don't think there's anything to worry about."

"As I've said before, Jeff Zucker has been one of my best friends for many years," he added. "The show was never going to be renewed for Bravo anyhow. ... We wanted to grow the show; we have the rights to leave."

Good God — Harvey's glorious cutthroat miracles never cease. Never mind his tease (in the same breath!) that he wants to be reincarnated as network playboy Ben Silverman; we worship at the altar of a man who suggests his alleged breach of contract can be remedied through cleaning Jeff Zucker's house. Or by watching his children! As if Harvey wasn't a threat to "accidentally" gulp down a pair of Zucker kids while reaching for M&M's during My Name is Earl. "No problem," he'd respond to the criminal charges. "Georgina and I will crank out a couple new ones for him. Jeff and I go wayyyy back. He'll understand."

• Weinstein promises 'servitude' to make up with Zucker [LAT]