1. National Treasure: Book of Secrets - $20.225 million
After learning that National Treasure had topped the domestic box office for a third consecutive weekend, we found ourselves wondering how Nicolas Cage has convinced moviegoers to put aside their apprehensions about the film's intellectually challenging material (we know how we seize up each time we're forced to think about the brain-seizing nightmare that was our fifth-grade American history class) and continue to turn out in such staggering numbers. In search of an answer, we turned to the Oracle of the YouTubes for guidance, who immediately unlocked the mystery of Cage's blockbuster appeal:

2. I Am Legend - $16.3 million
3. Juno - $16.225 million
4. Alvin and the Chipmunks - $16 million
Stop the presses! We have a box office estimates controversy! According to the LAT, executives at other studios are "privately" questioning Warner Bros.' possibly optimistic projection for Legend's weekend tally. We suppose we'll have to wait for the final numbers to see if these quiet accusations are borne out, but the preliminary figures are close enough that a Fox Searchlight executive anticipating a leap into second place has probably already greenlit a new Juno TV spot, featuring the film's hyperverbal, knocked-up protagonist flipping open her burger phone to brag to her chicken-legged baby-daddy, "Hey, Bleeks? You wanna go see Big Willy Style and his German shepherd get chased around by some zombies? No? Yeah, no one else in America does anymore, either. Our movie totally punched his movie in the weiner."

5. One Missed Call - $13.525 million
The modest opening weekend success of fatal-voicemail flick One Missed Call was probably good enough to push follow-up Ringtone into immediate production, in which a number of teens mysteriously begin to die five days after hearing Rhianna's "Umbrella" playing on their pink Razrs.

• WEEKEND BOX OFFICE January 4-6, 2008 [Box Office Mojo]

1. National Treasure: Book of Secrets - $35.6 million
Boasting another week at the top of the box office, Disney and Jerry Bruckheimer have again managed to spin Nicolas Cage relieving himself on a pile of American history books into a pop culture phenomenon. Curious as to how Dame Helen Mirren fit into the cloak-and-dagger proceedings, we had a chance to catch Secrets over the weekend, where we were thrilled to learn that [Spoiler alert! Spoiler 'round the bend! God be with all ye who travel past this point unawares that spoilers be awaitin' ye, arhh!] the silver-tressed sex goddess had been retained to reprise her Oscar-winning turn as Queen Elizabeth II, showing off her impressive aim with a stag musket and command over a pack of bloodthirsty attack-Corgies in the scene where Cage and friends break into Buckingham Palace.

2. Alvin and the Chipmunks - $30,000,000
The unassuming tale of a disheveled celebrity Eastsider's singing-rodent infestation has proven to be a force to be reckoned with: Its $30 mil weekend take brings its total to $142.4 mil, leaving it poised to crack the top ten grossing films of the year. As if you had to be told, that makes chipmunks 2008's penguins. Prepare for approximately two dozen chipmunk-related family projects to fast-track into development, including Look Who's Talking Like a Chipmunk, Flushed Away 2: Now Chipmunks Are Being Flushed Away!, and Verminy Feet.

3. I Am Legend - $27,500,000
As we refuse to see this movie, we're left with nothing but Will Smith-loving-Hitler jokes. How many Hitler-loving Will Smiths does it take to change a lightbulb? Two! One to change it, the other to reprogram the broken one.

4. Charlie Wilson's War - $11,768,000
5. Juno - $10,300,000
In the "sophisticated commercial choice for grownups" category, audiences looking for fulfillment through witty banter and mature themes who may have already caught Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem turned to saucy Sorkinisms and Diabloesque drollery for their self-satisfied weekend moviegoing experiences.

13. Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story - $3.7 million
Still languishing at the box office, the music-bio satire with the in-your-face For Your Consideration campaign even has its star Jenna Fischer blogging about its flaccid-penis attributes on MySpace: "It's very raunchy and sexy and the humor is hard core. Think 40-Year-Old Virgin but with full-frontal male nudity too. That's right ladies, we have penis."

• WEEKEND BOX OFFICE December 28-30, 2007 [Box Office Mojo]

2. I Am Legend - $34.2 million
A 56% drop-off in receipts for the last-Will-on-Earth sci-fi thriller still brings Legend's take to an impressive $137.5 mil, though it might also indicate that the premise needed a little refining. Luckily, producers have already begun making the proper adjustments for the sequel, replacing that German Shepherd (talented, but kind of one-note) with a grizzled straight-man for Smith to bounce his trademark one-liners off of, and those cheesy CGI zombies with a vast array of adorable aliens from Rick Baker's creature shop.

3. Alvin and the Chipmunks - $29 million
"It's great to be in the singing chipmunk business," Chris Aronson, Fox's senior VP of distribution, told Variety; that's a 180° change of tune from what execs were saying about the Jason Lee family film when the forecast looked less sunny, dismissively referring to it as "the untitled Richard Gere project" and "Ratatouille for retards."

4. Charlie Wilson's War - $9.6 million

5. Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street - $9.3 million

It was neck-and-tomato-soup-hemorrhaging neck for both entries in the "sophisticated commercial choice for grownups" category, as Universal marketing head Adam Fogelson classifies his Tom Hanks/Julia Roberts Oscar-craving contender. Still, when you factor in that Sweeney played to half the screens of its competitor, a clearer winner emerges, proving a Cold War-era Tom Hanks trading Sorkinesque quips from behind a glass of Scotch to be less of a draw than watching Helena Bonham Carter get burned alive.

8. Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story - $4.1 million

We had a sinking feeling when our Arclight theater was three-quarters empty last night, and sure enough, the numbers justify it: With Walk Hard, Judd Apatow gets his first taste of box office disappointment—something that surely could have been avoided had the marketing better highlighted the film's frequent close-ups on a flaccid penis.

• WEEKEND BOX OFFICE December 21-23, 2007 [Box Office Mojo]
• 'Treasure' tops at box office [Variety]