The Accused: TMZ, owned by AOL
The Crime: Breast critique.
The Evidence: "Naomi Campbell's Lethal Weapons: Topless and wielding a Blackberry, supermess Naomi Campbell hung out in St. Tropez on Monday. Luckily, no one was injured by the mobile device — the sight of her pancake bosoms is a whole other story!"

The Accused: Hollywood Tuna
The Crime: Breast fetishism.
The Evidence: "I know you Dallas Cowboy fans are probably freaking out seeing Jessica Simpson show up to Tony Romo’s training camp. And you should be, because those big tits are going to cost you the season. Don’t believe me? Those tits have cost me relationships. Just ask my ex-girlfriends who keep dumping my ass when I keep yelling her name out during sex. Anyway, enjoy the season suckas."

The Accused: WWTDD?
The Crime: Breast critique.
The Evidence: "Rihanna left boyfriend Chirs Brown (I have no idea who that is) at home last night while she hit the clubs in NYC in a kick ass see thru top. Although maybe I wish she hadn’t. That bitch is hot as hell but her breasts look kind of weird. I believe the technical term is, 'saucer nips.' I read that in a science magazine about women. It was called, 'Sexy Chocolate Mamas.'"

The Accused: IDLYITW
The Crime: Breast critique.
The Evidence: "Rihanna looks like a visitor from outer space sent to study us in preparation for the inevitable attack and colonization, so it's really no surprise that she looks even weirder without a bra. Her areolas look like they're infected."

The Accused: Yeeeah
The Crime: Disgustingness, not that it's a word
The Evidence: "Sophie Monk is a shitty actress with an even shittier resume of box office failures, but I doubt you'll care because her bikini is virtually see-through when it’s wet. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned about this industry, it’s that you can be a boil on the ass of all things thespian and still get a job if you’re blond and have big tits. That goes double if you have a 'will do full-frontal' clause in your contract and don’t mind sucking a little director dick from time to time. On the other hand, those qualifications only hinder your chances for a job if you’re looking for a part-time position at a daycare or old folks home. Just trust me on that one."

The Accused: Hollywood Tuna
The Crime: Encouragement of nudity; possible eye rape.
The Evidence: "Clearly Kristin Cavallari is never going to be anything other than a reality TV star if she keeps up this prudish behavior. Ruining some perfectly good pictures by wearing a bra under a thin see through T shirt? Come on you know better than that. If you’re going to make it in this business you’ve got to show a little something, give us a taste, a nipple slip an upskirt something."

The Accused: Perez Hilton
The Crime: Mean-spirited lookism.
The Evidence: "What An Ugly Bitch! And we don't mean the dog! Everybody's favorite fug bitch, saMAN Ronson walked her infinitely cuter pooch, Wednesday in Los Angeles."

You may have noticed that there were no punishments this week. It's increasingly tough to mete out "funny" justice when these posts are infuriating. Young women love gossip sites: Are they learning that the best way to talk about famous people is to put them down?

Anyway: we're planning on overhauling Missdemeanors. We have some ideas, but feel free to make suggestions. And if you'd like to write "punishments" for these bloggers, please do so in the comments.

Want to report a Crime Against Womanity? Send the link to tips@jezebel.com with "Missdemeanors" in the subject line.

Andy Dick, comedian

How drunk: Groping minors, getting arrested — classic Andy Dick, basically.

Latest: Nabbed by the police in Murrieta, California for drug use, posession of marijuana and Valium and for sexual assault after Dick grabbed a 17-year-old's breasts at 2am outside (sigh) "Buffalo Wild Wings Grill & Bar."

Outlook: Given his long and distinguished track record, a relapse is virtually guaranteed.

Low point: Beaten up at the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles in July 2007 by fellow comedian Jon Lovitz, who blamed him for the death of comedian Phil Hartman since Dick allegedly sold cocaine to Hartman's wife, a recovering addict, before she killed Hartman.

Jessica Simpson, singer

How drunk: Drunk at lunch, but not drunk driving.

Latest: Perhaps distraught at pictures of ex-flame John Mayer with actress Jennifer Aniston, Simpson last week went on a four-hour margarita binge at LA's Mexicali Cocina Cantina that ended with her friend puking under the table and Simpson abandoning her car.

Outlook: Her clean track record offers hope this was an isolated boozing, but she needs to get over Mayer.

Low point: The restaurant thing. Simpson was once a goody two-shoes, having started singing in a Baptist church before transitioning to harmless teen pop. She remained a virgin prior to her first marriage.

Amy Winehouse, singer

How drunk: Epically.

Latest: Thinks her home is inhabited by ghosts; caught smoking crack or something on video; punched, headbutted and stiffed three different people over the course of a single night; has a skin condition associated with crack addicts.

Outlook: Will probably deteriorate until she runs out of money or comes, somehow, closer to death. Rumors continue to circulate she'll seek treatment abroad, for example in Israel or South Africa. Whatever — these reports have been floated repeatedly in recent months and have yet to pan out.

Low point: Probably whatever is in the British tabloids on any given morning. Has had major issues at least since she's been famous. Her first U.S. hit was called "Rehab," after all.

Drew Barrymore, actress

How drunk: Engagement-breakingly, allegedly.

Latest: Dumped by actor Justin Long (whom she reportedly planned to marry) after he "got tired of having to help Drew to the car at the end of the night," according to the National Enquirer. After battling drugs and alcohol as a child star, Barrymore thought she had things under control.

Outlook: Decent: Continues to work, and normally tends to keep herself out of the tablouds.

Low point: Entering rehab at age 14, having already snorted cocaine.

Mischa Barton, actress

How drunk: Problematically.

Latest: Pled no contest to drunk driving charges dating to December, got three years probation and mandatory alcohol-education classes.

Outlook: Decent. Has largely avoided the tabloids save for the December incident. Recently declined to join the case of Gossip Girl to work on another project, so apparently staying (soberly) busy.

Low point: Puked in the street last year while partying with celebrity friends Kirsten Dunst and Jamie-Lynn Sigler.

Kirsten Dunst, actress

How drunk: Not? Rehabbed and hopefully not backsliding, despite that one rumor.

Latest: Dragged All Good Things co-star and rumored boyfriend Ryan Gosling to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, a recovery no-no. Is fresh out of two-month rehab stint in April.

Outlook: Decent chance of a relapse. She's 26 with no kids or long term relationship, and with one hell of a track record.

Low point: When so many anonymous tipsters emailed us about her getting drunk around New York that we had to run a special report.

Scott Weiland, singer

How drunk: Problematically.

Latest : The bipolar Stone Temple Pilots frontman served a 10-hour prison term earlier this month for a November drunk driving incident, his second in five years.

Outlook: Worrisome. With a wife of eight years and two children, hopefully the drunk driving incident was just a rocker's aberration, but it was his second in five years.

Low point: A two-month drug binge with Courtney Love in a hotel in 1998. Runners-up: Convicted of buying crack in 1995 and of driving drunk in 2003.

Eva Mendes, actress

How drunk: Menacingly, but supposedly all better.

Latest: Checked herself into the Cirque Lodge rehab facility in Utah in January to "privately attend to some personal issues."

Outlook: Bad. Has taken a movie role playing a Spanish drug lord in Queen of the South. This could mean the rehab stint was just method acting; more likely the drug lord role will do to Mendes what Less Than Zero did to Robert Downey Jr.

Low point: The recent rehab. No history of erratic behavior, unless you count posing topless in Italian Vogue.

Sean Young, actress

How drunk: Freshly rehabbed as of February.

Latest: Completed a sting in rehab earlier this year after being ejected from a Hollywood awards ceremony for bad behavior.

Outlook: Poor, due to a history of emotional volatility and bizarre behavior. According to Wikipedia, her role in Wall Street was reduced due to fights with Oliver Stone; she was sued by actor James Woods for harassment; she unsuccessfully tried to win a role on Batman Returns by confronting the director in a homemade Catwoman costume; she was fired from the movie Dick Tracy. Her last marriage ended in 2002.

Low point: Heckled director Julian Schnabel during his speech at the Director's Guild of America awards in January. Believed to be intoxicated, she was escorted out.

Justin Chambers, actor and former model

How drunk: Not. Finally getting rested after a recent hospital stay.

Latest: Checked himself into UCLA Medical Center with what he said was a sleep disorder. But after his discharge, was spotted passing out and acting bizarrely at the Village Pub in Palm Springs.

Outlook: Good, if you make the difficult assumption he's telling the truth about his sleep disorder and that reports he was only drinking non-alcoholic beer at the pub are true.

Low point: The Village Pub incident.

Miley Cyrus, singer and actress

How drunk: At 15, has possibly never been drunk. Then again, maybe there is something to these pictures of her stumbling out of a club in Hollywood.

Latest: Her scandalous, topless-except-for-a-sheet photo spread in Vanity Fair, obviously. Also, she keeps emailing underwear pictures to her boyfriend, which somehow end up online. None of which indicates she is on a path toward drinking or addiction, just that she is growing up and clearly ready to move beyond her goody-goody image on the TV show Hannah Montana.

Outlook: Very good. But the relentless pressure from Disney to never grow up could finally make her snap.

Low point: Vanity Fair incident.

Kate Moss, model

How drunk: Modestly, and only via booze. Yay!

Latest: On the one hand, she's reportedly engaged to be married, practicing yoga and tending to her fashion line. On the other, she looked scary and strung out in the last of these February pictures, and sometimes will randomly go without underwear. In March, she had a "boozy lunch" in Paris and then licked her boyfriend's neck.

Outlook: Good. She's avoided any public cocaine relapses over the past three years, though clearly drinks sometimes. She should be further grounded by continuing to raise her daughter, six, and by a reported engagement to guitarist Jamie Hince.

Low point: In 2005, was famously photographed by British tabloid the Daily Mirror snorting cocaine at a recording session for Babyshambles, band of her junkie boyfriend Pete Doherty. She was subsequently dropped by both Chanel and Burberry and entered rehab.

Courtney Love, singer

How drunk: Epically.

Latest: Despite recently handing out sobriety advice to Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears and declaring herself rehabbed, Love was spotted in London this spring looking drunk and carrying copious prescription drugs, which she has abused in the past.

Outlook: Poor. Love insists she's reformed but somehow few people are convinced.

Low point: So many to choose from! Probably the time she thought she was going to die so her hangers-on, according to Love, stole $20 million.

Lindsay Lohan, actress (at one point, apparently)

How drunk: Constantly, visibly and criminally.

Latest: Accused of stealing someone else's fur coat from a nightclub. Also recent: getting plastered with her girlfriend at Hawaiian Tropic Club, falling limply while trying to get into a car outside a Hollywood.

Outlook: Surprisingly pretty good. She's getting good report cards on the set of her new movie, and is a newly minted femme lesbian.

Low point: When walking medicine cabinet Courtney Love told her she really needed to shape up. Also: five car incidents in three years, including one where she was alleged to have been chasing someone in her car while drunk.

Naomi Campbell, abusive supermodel

How drunk: Unconvincingly reformed.

Latest: Campbell is trying to redeem herself following a spitting, racial-epithet-hurling attack on police at Heathrow airport. She bought coffee for cast members of TV show Ugly Betty and smiled at Heathrow police.

Outlook: Poor. Campbell has falsely claimed to be reformed in the past. In 2006, Campbell told W magazine, "Some people can handle a drink or a line of cocaine, but I’ve finally come to realize that, for me, it’s all or nothing — and it has to be nothing." She was later photographed drinking wine at dinner.

Low point: In 2006, after being arrested for her latest cell-phone beating of the help, she was forced to scrub toilets as part of a community service sentence. She claimed the experience was sobering before moving on to further meltdowns.

Pat O'Brien, TV host

How drunk: Freshly rehabbed, working again — for the second time.

Latest: Entered rehab in February (his last rehab had been in 2005). Despite speculation to the contrary, he returned to his hosting gig on The Insider.

Outlook: Weak, since he has relapsed once before.

Low point: A drunken, horny voice mail left prior to his most recent rehab stint.

Paris Hilton, attention-mad socialite

How drunk: Very, but in a totally older, more responsible way.

Latest: Hilton now says she's become more domestic, staying home (heavens!) some nights and even cooking dinner for serious boyfriend and rocker Benji Madden. She's taken to wearing a diamond ring on her wedding ring finger and reportedly even talks of children.

Outlook: Precarious. Marriage and increased sobriety are possible; more likely is a breakup and total Hilton meltdown. The starlet has failed at reform before: The Times in March reminded everyone that Hilton still had not taken a charity trip to Rwanda or set up a transitional home for women, as promised on Larry King Live following a jail term.

Low point: Was sent to jail for repeatedly driving on a license suspended in connection with a drunk driving conviction. Runner up: When her cat was reclaimed for alleged neglectful treatment.

Nicole Richie, actress, fashion plate

How drunk: Minimally.

Latest: Richie gave birth in January and subsequently said her daughter and relationship to boyfriend Benji Madden, the girl's father, gave her life new meaning and helped her "move on" from her wilder days. Richie's friend Paris Hilton is said to be hoping for a similarly grounding relationship with her boyfriend, Benji Madden, brother to Joel.

Outlook: Decent. Richie raised $1 million by selling pictures of her baby, and her dad Lionel is rich, so she's well funded to either raise a family or have a Britney Spears-style post-baby meltdown. She's 26 so the chance of the latter is not insignificant. But there are no immediate warning signs.

Low point: In 2003, was arrested for possession of heroin. Runner-up: Becoming dramatically thing after a falling out with party buddy Paris Hilton and a brief jail sentence on drunk driving charges.

Britney Spears, wayward singer

How drunk: Only on Frappuccinos (this month).

Latest development: Spears is back in the recording studio, has appeared in repeated successful TV cameos and gained new visitation rights with her two sons after a court commissioner said he was "extremely impressed" with her progress.

Outlook: Good, for now. With her father in control of her money and many aspects of her life, Spears is unlikely to backslide anytime soon, particularly given how much she wants to regain custody of her kids. The question is whether she'll be able to stay sober once she has her kids back and is in full control of her bank account.

Low point: Flashing her vag to paparazzi in 2006 while clubbing with Paris Hilton. Runners up: Her two psych-ward stays this year; brief, recent relationships with scuzzballs Adnan Ghalib and Sam Lutfi; shaving her head and bashing a car with an umbrella.

Robert Downey, Jr., actor

How drunk: Stone cold sober.

Latest: Downey's film Iron Man has been a critical and financial success, with Downey now expected to take part in sequels. He appears in blackface in the forthcoming comedy Tropic Thunder with Ben Stiller

Outlook: No reason to think he's anything but clean and sober from here on out. Unless you've heard something. What, have you heard something??

Low point: In 2000-2001, when a series of arrests saw him kicked off the hit TV show Ally McBeal. Struggled with drug abuse throughout the 1990s, and eventually served at least a year and a half in jail and several years on probation and in drug treatment.

Hey guys,

I just read your article about Rob Shuter and I have my own story on this guy that you might find interesting, useful or not.

I met him first at a party where he told me he wanted to talk business. He came over to my apartment several days later and after a few minutes, I understood that it was nothing about business, the guy was just horny. Nevertheless, he went into a long "proposal" to work on the project with me and Naomi Campbell which would be "groundbreaking." I am a very ambitious person, but I am also realistic so I didn't even listen and was thinking of how to get rid of the liar. When the guy made a move, I very politely declined.

Since then, this guy has done everything in his power to make me suffer for that.

I was always a guest at Heatherette show but I am no longer welcomed any longer. Lately, I found out that this was Rob's doing. Apparently, he has or had something to do with Heatherette's people.

During another fashion week, I was a guest of Timothy Greenfield-Sanders and was sitting in the first row for the Huricane Relief fashion show. The next day, there was an article in Page Six accusing me of "hiding under a makeup table backstage for hours to get in." When I asked someone I knew at the New York Post how such an article could come about, he told me that all information was provided by Rob Shuter. Indeed, I was behind the stage that night, but not to sit under the makeup table. I had a very good time socializing with Carmen Dell'Orefice (who I later had a photoshoot with for Korean GQ), Timothy Sanders, and others. I also saw Rob, who came over to me and told me that he was Naomi Campbell's manager and that she would like to take a picture with me. He brought me to her table where she was giving interviews while getting her hair done and told me to wait. After 30 minutes of waiting, I decided to go back to my seat, as the show was about the start. Mr. Shuter was just enjoying my waiting while he knew the picture with Naomi Campbell would never happen. He just kept saying, "Michael, just another minute!"

I rarely meet such a vicious person as Rob Shuter who put so much energy toward making others miserable. And with his looks, shouldn't he be used to rejection?

Yes, according to Showbiz Spy, none other than cell phone thrower and luggage assaultress Naomi Campbell is confirmed to guest star in the season finale as well. While we doubt Campbell would lower herself to playing any kind of burger flipper, the two lawbreakers will presumably come into contact at some point during filming. And the potential scenarios are endless: will Naomi, in a frantic moment of jealousy over Lohan's extensions, plant powder in Lindsay's fast food costume pockets? What if Lindsay relapses on set and passes out in the vicinity of Campbell's diamond-encrusted Blackberry, prompting the supe to repeatedly throw it at the unconscious Lohan until she comes to? More frightening (and most plausible), the two will likely become BFFs and plot complicated schemes to do all of the above to poor America Ferrera. Good girls, sadly, tend to finish last.

[Photo credits: Getty]

• LINDSAY LOHAN BACK IN TALKS WITH UGLY BETTY [TVG]

At left, Naomi proudly showed off her naturally defined hairline at a February event by pulling the whole damn mess of it back as tightly as possible. And look how happy she is! She's all, Look Bitches, Fear Me All You Want, But Respect This Bombass Hair. Alas, a more recent photo taken this month reveals a more somber Campbell. Sure, her sad expression may have something to do with that pesky assault charge, but we'd be a bit glum too if noticeable patches of missing hair were visible to one and all. We suggest Naomi appear on Tyra for some good ol' weave advice. Tyra doesn't know much, but when it comes to talking weaves, she's a regular prodigy.

[Photo credits: Getty, Wireimage]

• HAVE HAIR EXTENSIONS TAKEN A TOLL ON NAOMI CAMPBELL'S VANISHING HAIRLINE? [Mail On Sunday]

In 1998 Campbell rapped her assistant Georgina Galanis about the face and neck with a phone in a Toronto hotel and also threatened to throw her out of a moving car. Miss Naomi plead guilty in 2000 and had the matter expunged from her record because she gave the lady some money and seemed sorry. Oh and she took anger management classes that did her a lot of good.
In 2005 the crazy lady's then-assistant Amanda Brack accused Campbell of assaulting her with a BlackBerry mobile phone. Sounds familiar!
Also in 2005, she beat up her longtime friend, actress Yvonne Scio, because she was wearing too similar a dress to the one worn by Campbell. "She punched me in the face. She was like Mike Tyson," Scio said of the incident.
In 2006 she was arrested for wreaking havoc on a boat.
Again in 2006 she was nabbed for whacking her housekeeper with a bedazzled cellphone. Campbell suspected the housekeeper of stealing her pants. Shortly after, another housekeeper came forward, calling her a violent bigot. Campbell eventually had to do community service in New York City for the rhinestone nights fashion assault, and showed up every day dressed to the nines.

She loves those phones. Next she should just wallop someone with the ghost of Alexander Graham Bell. Oh! I almost forgot! Could this be the source of all her anger?

While we're admittedly among a small group of reality television obsessives who fell in a twisted bit of love with this America's Next Top Model copycat, we fell even more in love with the show when co-host Tyson Beckford surprised the models by bringing Naomi to their townhouse to review their books. (See the video here.) Since we rarely get to see supermodels talk, let alone interact with other people on cable TV, we were overjoyed to see a sweet-spoken, calm-as-a-cuke Campbell displaying what appeared to be a very sophisticated and pulled-together persona without a hint of brewing anger throughout her cameo. So what happened in the last few weeks? While the answer to that question will come out in the courts, we're fairly certain we have an antidote that would soothe her savage beastliness: a nice butt massage.

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

• NAOMI CAMPBELL ARRESTED AT LONDON AIRPORT [People]