Kudos, HuffPo, for allocating resources and a crack team of interns with magnifying glasses to the mysterious case of Madonna's stubbly upper lip. Sure, the pop superstar's facial hair is a somewhat sad excuse for a mustache, even flimsier than the three-week old peach fuzz sported by a heavily concentrating McLovin (and we're surprised to see the site venture down this path so soon after their "Look at 58-Year-Old Anna Wintour's Wrinkles in Close-Up" item bombed a while back), but this investigation reps a brave new frontier for Arianna Huffington's respected news organization. In no time, we expect the to see the editrix personally drawing cum stains that dribble down Sarah Palin's face — and won't our national discourse be better for it?

• Madonna Premieres "Filth and Wisdom" with Celebrity Friends [HuffPo]

Boomp3.com

The 'stache-tastic Robert Downey Jr — along with Japan's very own Iron Man, Hal —went off on a few barrels before the premiere of Iron Man. According to Downey Jr, the barrels were asking for it and got what they deserved. Downey said, "Those barrels were mouthing off. Saying some nasty things about my performance in The Shaggy Dog and now they're going to pay." After having such a blast demolishing the barrels, Downey and Hal agreed to team up on a live action version of Donkey Kong, possibly to be helmed by Wong Kar-Wai.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

boomp3.com

Now that he has a charming new mustache, Patrick Stewart must spends hours upon hours in front of a mirror or a video camera doing impressions of Daniel Day Lewis in There Will Be Blood. After each playback, Stewart kicks at a few imaginary rocks and mutters, "That should've been my milkshake!"

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]