The trouble with Heidi and Spencer began with a visit from Stephanie to their glass coffin when Heidi confessed that she had eaten the poisoned apple and wanted to fall into the deep, deep sleep of motherhood. Spencer only cares about himself and hates kids. We find him to be deplorable but his decision not to spawn with Heidi means to be one of his smarter decisions, like every time he takes off one of his ridiculous hats. But Snow Heidi has enlisted Seven Dwarves of the Apocalypse, and their names are Giuseppe, Luigi, Antonioni, Malfi, Anthony, Vincente, and Enzo, and they are brought over to the house by their parents Caroline and Seth, who are Speidi's new neighbors.

This is all just a plan to get Spender (as Enzo calls him) to get hip to giving her some babies, because she is tired of shopping for clothes for herself and has been banned from just about every clothing store in the greater Los Angeles area, so for her to continue shopping, she must have a baby and enter into the untapped maternity/baby wear retail market. Hey Big Spender (duh da duh nah) is not down with this plan and when Heidi volunteers to babysit for the Seven Dwarves, Spender says "Hey, ho, it's off to work you go," and tells Seth and Caroline to go back to the queen with a deer's heart in a box.

Later, little Enzo escapes the witch's clutches and runs to the embrace of another harpy, Heidi, who puts him under the spell of some video games. The wee thing wails on the Wii and when Spender comes home, he refuses to babysit for free. This is what happily ever after looks like, ladies and gentleman, and we wish that Heidi would just slip back into her coma and leave the rest of us alone.

Once upon a time, Kristin was across town having a conversation with the producers that went something like this:
"Hey Mary from MTV, with your little clip board and denim miniskirt, why am I sitting at this restaurant to have lunch with Audrina and she's not here. Is she coming?"
"No, she's not. How do you feel about that? Are you angry? Show us angry."
"Yeah, I'm angry. At you for wasting my time! Did you know she wasn't coming?"
"Did you know she wasn't coming?"
"I thought she was coming because you set up this lunch and told me to be here. So, is she coming?"
"Well, no. We told her to, but then she went shopping and decided that she didn't want to."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"We were hoping you would throw a scene and make some angry phone calls when she didn't show up. And your cell phone is right here, why don't you pick it up and..."
"I don't want to talk on the phone, I want to have lunch. I'm starving, and I got my hair done all nice and now I have no one to eat with. Don't make me waste good hair on footage we can't even use. Who can you get here?"
"We can probably get Lo. She never has anything better to do."
"Alright get Lo over here."

Twenty minutes later, Lo arrives. They talk about something and we get a few good shots of Kristin's good hair. All is not lost.

Audrina was too busy worring about her new career as a medium. She figured that she looks like Jennifer Love Hewitt and that means that she has magic powers. Her first case was to help the lead singer of Vedera, who is possessed by the spirit of Natalie Imbruglia. The spiritual infestation caused her to cut her hair and play the piano and sing while coyly eyeing all the boys in the audience. Audrina thinks that by bringing her friends to the show, she can cure Natalie of her horrible condition, but it doesn't really work, because Audrina is soon possessed by the spirit as well, swaying back and forth and blinking at the stage with her big wide eyes of wonder. Until she feels a disturbance on the spirit plane.

Yes, across town Justin Bobby—who shaved and now looks like Vincent Chase's stunt double from the set of Aquaman after he had that concussion when a giant piece of kelp fell on his head—has arrived to Playhouse, a club where women are suspended from the ceiling for the enjoyment of spoiled L.A. teenagers. It's much like the movie Hostile, but the only hostiles here are everyone when Kristin shows up. She tells Justin Twonames that she just wants to be friends, but she really wants to take sweet revenge on Audrina by shaving her name into Justin Twonames ample pubic hair.

She does this by taking him off in the corner to secretly make out in front of everyone. Stephanie sees and she thinks "Aw shit, I'm going to have to tell Audrina and she is going to try to possess me with her new voodoo powers and make me go over to Kristin's house and cut off her pretty hair." Brody sees it and he thinks, "Damn, that really turns me on. I never realized just how hot Justin Twonames is. No wait, I can't be gay. I'm going to have to round up ten guys and go sit in a hot tub with them, because that is the straightest thing I could possibly do. Miss Female Illusionist Superstar 2006 Jayde sees it and, if she could think, she would think, "Wow, my tuck is really starting to hurt right now."

And then Maleficent turns into a dragon and devours them all and flies off to New York City, where her leather turds land on Canal Street and are shaped into fake purses on The City.

The light from the blinking neon signs of Times Square filters through the Venetian blinds and casts shadows across the face of femme fatale Erin, who goes to private dick Joe Z because she's having some trouble. Her man is seeing another lady called Olivia Palermo. "Not only is she a horrible person and bad at her job, but she looks better than me, with all her money and designer clothes and Rapunzel hair. We need to take her down. I don't have much money, but..." and she presses her manicured nails against Joe Z's well-tailed suit and leans in for a kiss lifting one stockinged leg up in the air. Joe Z turns away, lighting a cigarette and says, "I just don't swing that way, kid. You're going to have to try harder."

Madge Palermo has to go into the seedy underworld of Canal Street to buy some fake bags so that Erin can save her hide from an evil mob boss by producing a segment for the Today show. She got the idea by looking at Madge, who is a real Louis Vuitton, whereas she is the plastic kind that ladies fresh off the Sex and the City bus tour pick up in Chinatown. She hopes no one notices the difference. And if they do, she will slap them and they will say, "It's real." Slap. "It's fake." Slap. "It's real." Slap. "It's fake." Slap. "It's real and it's fake!"

Madge gets in a town car and rides downtown, where she walks down the steps of the subway so that a film crew can film her walking up the stairs and fool everyone in America to think that she rides the underground railroad. She may not take the J/M/Z, but she is on the underground railroad for counterfeit handbags where she meets singing folk hero Fucci Prado. This magical agent of cheap fake leather goods is on the lam from the authorities so he has encoded messages into a song which he sings while walking up and down the sidewalk with a magical menu of his wares. If his tune isn't loud enough, he has also figured out an intricate system of messages in his clothing that displays just what he has for sale and how much it costs.

Madge is wooed by his song and buys his goods, rushing away, but turning around to blow Fucci Prado a kiss and he ambles into the crowd, crooning his city ditty and happy at another good deed performed in the service of market capitalism. She takes her spoils back to the seedy motel that Elle is using for a headquarters, and Private Dick Joe Z is finally seduced by her haul. Erin grabs his crotch and squeals, "But Joe, we had a deal!" and he says, "I don't care, kid. The grass is always greener and you're put out to pasture." She turns on her heel and storms out grabbing her purse and mink stole off a wooden chair on her way out and then she quickly pivots and looks back at Joe Z and says, "You may want her now," and the camera closes in on her face, as a single tears rolls down her cheek from underneath her veil, "But just who is going to take you to the Today show?"

Across town, two other femme fatales are dealing with Whitney, who is like the boring good girl on the show that is written out after the first act, because watching villains is so much more fun. In this case it's Welcome Home, Roxy Carmichael and Kelly Cutthroat. Roxy Carmichael wants to be everyone's friend and she's trying really hard, even though she is mean and slutty. There's some sort of photo shoot for jeans and Whitney and RC have to drive a bunch of shit over. They don't bring the clips that they are supposed to, and Kelly, looking less haggard and puffy than usual, doesn't yell at them too much.

Then RC tells the client that he should have the model take her top off, because that is what she did after her senior prom, running along the beach with her boyfriend chasing her. It was night and dark and she stripped off her top while he chased her with camera in hand, and she held her ample breasts with one arm as she turned around doe-eyed and gazed into the lens, her eager Cassanova snapping away. As she feel backwards into the dunes, he kissed her so deeply. And in the morning, Cassie had slapped a Guess logo on the photos and sold them for millions of dollars, and all she had was a heart full of hurt and her hair full of sand.

The client loves the idea, and so does Kelly, but she wishes she had her own post-prom fantasy, and later, back at the office, she tells Roxy Carmichael that she is a very good slut, but next time, run her porno inspirations by her so that she can take credit for them. After all, she is the heroine of her own fairy tale, even though most people see her as the monster.

The big news for the sixth season is that Kristin Cavallari of Laguna Beach fame was returning to bitch it up after LC, the show's grand dame of drama, left for greener pastures. And those pastures are green with big money. Today it was announced that the Twilight team will adapt her novel into a movie. Earlier this year Audrina Partridge decided to call it quits for her own reality show and today Stephanie Pratt, the prattling sister of reality über-goober Specer Pratt, said she was quitting the show because she's sick of it.

I can understand why. Last night, I decided it was finally time to cave in to the peer pressure of the pop culture machine and finally watch an episode of this show. Yes, last night Kristin Cavallari popped my Hills cherry and it was excruciating. During the episode, she returns and attends a welcome back party for Spencer and Heidi Pratt (nee Montag), the amalgamation of everything insipid that is known and self-promoted as Speidi. It was less of an excuse to have a party and more of an excuse to have Kristin show up and start some shit, which she does. Because the show exists in its own beautiful snow globe of wealthy white people who only interact with each other, because Kristin wasn't on the show it's like she fell into a wormhole and was transported clear into the Alpha Centauri galaxy never to be heard from again.

Brody Jenner (who I find horribly dreamy in spite of myself) isn't tense about his ex-girlfriend Kristin being teleported back into their tiny sphere by a black hole the producers created out of money and Kristin's failed acting career, but his girlfriend Jayde (who spells her name like a drag queen) is afraid she's going to steal her man. And so is Audrina, who recently broke up with Justin Bobby—who looks like the punchline of a Joaquin Phoenix performance art piece, except he is totally missing all the irony. So they all sit around and talk about this with the sort of tepid trepidation of a year book committee that doesn't want the cover of their magnum opus to be maroon, but navy blue, because they have always dreamed about having a navy yearbook on their coffee table for the rest of their lives, but the school colors are maroon and white, so they have to deal with the color scheme even though it's ruining their lives.

Anyway, Kristin shows up at the party and starts some retarded fight that I don't understand, probably because I haven't had enough Patron shots and don't speak the spoiled patois of the Malibu faux-lite but it had something to do with Kristin talking to Justin Bobby's beard and that made Audrina upset. She yelled a lot and cowed the Year Book Committee to scurry back to the cafeteria to regroup and talk about whether or not they were going to go to some birthday party. Where the same drama is repeated, except without as much yelling.

I watch a lot of really trashy television, but I just don't get The Hills. I understand that it's fun to watch these little wind up toys sputter and twist when faced with the petty squabbles and slights of an insular social circle. I understand that the characters have been made into heroes and villains and that they're all so stupid that there is a certain pitiful superiority one feels while watching them try to navigated massaged reality before the cameras. Yes, I understand it, I just don't get it.

The City, though, I not only get, but totally love. While The Hills feels like regression, The City feels like a progression. It's a similar sort of snow globe, but one where characters actually have goals, things are actually happening, and the fights have real-world consequence.

Whitney Port, a refugee from The Hills, tries to play like she's the poor girl taking on the big, bad city, but she's got a fat pad in the West Villiage and a boss—PR maven Kelly Cutrone—who is encouraging her to work less so she can start her fashion line. Last night, Whitney's old friend Roxy shows up in New York and needs a job and a place to crash. Whitney hooks her up with both, but how does the affably daffy Roxy repay her? By throwing a giant party in her apartment that is so noisy the neighbors call the cops. This sounds just like the Jane Hotel, but it's happening on our TV screen. It's a fun arc that easily plays out easily over 30 minutes and really illustrates the trouble of starting a professional life in the big city in your early 20s—well, if you have a camera crew following you around and a big fat check from producers for just allowing your burgeoning life to be the entertainment for the masses.

The real star of the show, however, is socialite Olivia Palermo, who has been given a job as an accessories editor at Elle and faces off with the magazine's PR chief Erin Kaplan. This is real reality. Everyone knows only privileged and connected white girls get the plum jobs at fashion magazines. And when she gets there, Olivia has the sort of attitude you could expect to find in a girl with a prep school education who probably doesn't have to work for a living. And when she gets in a fight with Kaplan, it's not about who might have flirted with who in front someone's exgirlfriend at a party at the Pink Taco or who didn't say hi to such-and-such because they thought they had bad body odor. It's about a segment on the real live Today show. It's like an actual something. And if Olivia fucks it up then Kathie Lee Gifford is going to track her down and beat her like she's a Chinese sweatshop worker who won't sew fast enough. What's the worst thing that's going to happen to Kristin? Audrina isn't going to like her? Aww...

Yes, I love trashy reality television, but I want there to be real stakes along with the drama and I want it to have some sort of reflection on the world we all live in—that The City it has a reflection on the very specific Manhattan media world I live in probably makes me love it a little bit more. Earlier this week, when Lauren Conrad was asked if she would still watch The Hills she said, ""Probably not, I'll watch The City." Finally, someone from The Hills had something intelligent to say.

Well, we're a little more civilized than that, but we're up for some spirited debate.

Moylan: As Guest of Guest points out, the whole things seems too good to be true, and too many people benefit. Everyone has sympathy for Swift, everyone loves Beyoncé (more), everyone thinks Kayne is (more of) a dick, and everyone is talking about MTV for the first time in a long time. Sure, it wasn't as obviously planned and Madonna kissing Britney Spears, but with a little bit of acting and canny planning, this is a publicity masterpiece.

Rushfield: Well that is the most half-baked argument I have ever heard. As any scientist or detective can tell you, motive alone is not enough to convict for a crime. Yes, MTV likes controversy, but their fake controversies in the past—eg. Bruno falling on Eminem—ham-handedly telegraph "this is a stunt" a mile off. Last night, you saw a moment of genuine awkwardness production-wise after Kanye took the mic when the booth seemed to stumble and be unsure about cutting away—not the hallmark of a pre-planned, pre-coreographed stunt.

Moylan: But why Swift so readily give up the mic? And how did Kanye get such easy access to the stage? I think it all started on the red carpet, where Kanye was conspicuously drinking from a bottle of booze and Beyoncé was talking up how she hoped that Swift would "get her moment" at the awards. It all just seems like foreshadowing for the unfortunate event. As for the production, well, WWE has been pulling stunts like this and making them look real(ish) for years.

Rushfield: Brian Moylan, your conspiratorial mind is seeing shadows everywhere. Why did she give up the mic so readily? First, she's a teenage girl, probably in a daze at the greatest moment of her life. Suddenly, there is Kanye West in her face grabbing her at hand, would you put up a fight? If that were me and I was a teenage Taylor I would just be shocked and think he was about to do some tribute to me or make a speech about Michael Jackson or something. The conspicuously drinking—well, its not the first time Kanye has done that either. Beyoncé wishing Taylor well does create a very neat circle, but a bit too neat to be planned.

If you were going to set this up as a stunt, would you really throw in a foreshadow like that? And why shouldn't she wish Taylor well. Just because your heart is filled with a hate for a young Southern girl who is the first non-tramp role model America's teenage girls have had in a decade, doesn't mean Beyoncé's heart is also made of coal. What needs to be examined here, Brian Moylan, is why you are so committed to locking the sunlight out of your life. To paraphrase Kelly Clarkson, in her letter to Kanye, What happened to you as a child Brian Moylan?

Moylan: It's not about what happened to me as a child, but what has happened to the celebrity industrial complex in my scant years on the planet. We have entered an age where every word that comes out of a celebrity's mouth, every outfit they wear, every Starbuck Mocha Frappachino they are photographed with by the paparazzi has prescripted, chosen, or placed. Every moment that we see in regards to the famous has been carefully planned out by professionals to make people money and to make all those teenage girls clamoring for a virgin queen like Taylor Swift buy more albums or her fragrance or House of Dereon jeans or Mocha Frappachinos. In a universe where everything is fake and for sale how can anything—from Kanye's outrage, to Taylor's sadness, to Beyoncé's righteousness—be genuine. Mr. Rushfield sees a magic bullet, but I see a man on the grassy knoll.

Rushfield: You make some important points and somewhat shame me in my wide-eyed innocence. But I think your argument is ultimately too cynical and not cynical enough. My basic rule of showbiz is that if things go perfectly, its by accident. Especially on a big live production, there are too many mix-ups, confusions and chaos for things to really fall into place like that. You are comparing it to the sparkling surface of Nivea ad on a bus bench, but in a live production environment, you never get anything that shiny. And besides, isn't it just a better world if you can just turn off your mind and just believe that last night a little blonde southern girl got the moment of her life ruined for her by a drunken hip-hop artist but then was saved by the Good Witch Beyoncé? Isn't that a happier place for us all to live?

In a bit of a surprise, singer Taylor Swift won the Best Female Video for her track "You Belong With Me." Sure, many of us aren't familiar with this 19-year old country girl's entertainment outputs, but that's really no excuse for Mr. West, a man so consumed by his own fame that he has no respect for fellow travelers in the starosphere, to take the mic and declare Beyonce and her silly "All The Single Ladies" video the real winner. "Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time," he declared, although that's wrong on more than one level.

Honestly, Kayne, you look like an asshole. More so than usual. This poor girl had a moment to shine and, as is apparent by her reaction, you stole that and ruined what should have been a proud moment. That's mean and childish and you should be publicly shamed. Oh, wait. Your own fame guarantees that. Good.

As for Beyonce. She looked somewhat appalled, albeit under the guise of self-conscious humility. Well done, Ms. Knowles. And especially well done for inviting Swift to the stage when you won the video of the year award. A bit of class in an otherwise ugly world.

The Lady will perform on September 13 at this year's MTV Video Music Awards, and she's planning something big. In an interview with Newsweek's Ramin Setoodeh, she says: "I'm going to be performing one of the most recent singles off my album. But it's going to be a different and more dramatic interpretation. And it is most certainly rooted in New York-style performance art." Setoodeh asks — and who could blame him — "What does that mean?"

Gaga explains:

It's less of me singing the song, and more of an art installation. A performance-art piece. It's very well-designed and thought out, and we've been planning it for months and months. It is for me a very meaningful performance, [for] where I am in my career, as well as the experiences I've had, as well as the co-headlining tour I'm going on in the fall. […] I sort of have this philosophy about things: there's never a reason to do something unless it's going to be memorable, unless it's going to change things, unless it's going to inspire a movement. With the song and with the performance, I hope to say something very grave about fame and the price of it.

Does that clear anything up? Hell no. But even more cryptic is her answer to the question, "what are you going to wear?"

I would say that the fashion for the performance is a representation of the most stoic and memorable martyrs of fame in history. It's intended to be an iconic image that represents people. I think after watching the performance and maybe studying it after you watch it on YouTube, you'll see the references and the symbols come through.

And, when talking about her lighting scheme, Ms. Gaga says: "I like it to be moody. I like it to evoke an idea more than light my face. It's not about what you see. It's about what you don't see, and sometimes that vacant space can be very scary."

Perhaps you find it tiring to hear about her "philosophy," her "art," "symbols" and "meaning." Maybe it would be easier if she just said, "I'm going to dress like Joan of Arc. It's gonna be dope." But the other women topping the chart right now? Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift. Those two aren't exactly… interesting.

Back when that song "Beautiful" was all over the radio, a DJ friend of mine once said, "The devil didn't invent rock and roll for James Blunt." And I can't help but agree, as a woman raised on filthy Prince lyrics, Madonna writhing to "Like A Virgin" (at the VMAs!) and sexual innuendo in George Michael hits. Lots of people can sing. Lots of people write songs. Pop music should be more that that. Not a lot of people sing well, or write catchy songs; Lady Gaga does both. But more importantly: Lady Gaga makes it exciting. Titillating, unexpected. With Muppet coats, teacups, awful (untrue) hermaphrodite rumors and general pantslessness. Without her, pop would be a bland landscape right now. And think about it: People mocked what David Bowie and KISS wore, too. In addition, she uses her Haus of Gaga to "propel" friends and young designers into the spotlight, using her fame to further their careers.

You might think Lady Gaga is pretentious, a phony. But if she is, it's as someone once said of Holly Golightly: She's a real phony… She honestly believes all this phony junk that she believes. Asked, "How old were you when you first wanted to be famous?" Lady Gaga replies:

I think I was in my mother's womb. But it's not about fame, you see. It's about "The Fame." It's about a life of glamour. I believe in a glamorous life.

Lady Gaga Will Rock the VMAs [Newsweek]

Earlier: Questions About The High Fashion & Domestic Violence In Lady GaGa's Video
Before The Teacup & Blonde Wig, Pants Were Still A Problem
Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore
Lady Gaga Visits The View

AMC got all classy with critical and Emmy favorites Mad Men and Breaking Bad and then they went and ruined it all bypaying a whole lot of cash for a show about undead stumbling brain eaters. They acquired the rights to Robert Kirkman's comic book The Walking Dead which follows the lives of the survivors of a zombie apocalypse. Sounds to us like 28 Days or every other zombie movie. But, since it's on AMC, it's going to be a smart zombie show. [THRfeed]

Natalie Portman designs vegan shoes and went to Harvard. She's so hip and so smart. Fox thinks so to, and now she's producing a comedy called Booksmart about two smart girls who can't find boyfriends. Oh, they never can. [Variety]

Danish toymaker Lego has finally allowed someone to make a movie about their plastic boxes and barely bending men. Warner Bros. is developing a hush-hush, live action/animation flick from writers Dan and Kevin Hageman. Well, the performances from the plastic playthings can't be any worse than a heavily-botoxed actress. Variety]

MTV orders up two Jackass ripoffs, a Hills rip off (set in New York, watch out!), a variety show, and Hard Times their first single-camera comedy. It's about a kid who is trying to survive being 15. Hey, maybe he can go out with one of Natalie Portman's girls. [THR]

Ed Helms is on a hot streak. He just inked his second deal since The Hangover made all that money. His next pic (after Cedar Rapids) is a comedy called Central Intelligence where he plays an accountant who becomes a spy after finding an old friend on Facebook. Damn, all we ever find are the annoying girls who sat next to us in French class. [Variety]

The top shows last night were America's Got Talent, Hell's Kitchen, and Big Brother. Wait. You mean Americans like reality shows? [Variety]

The Emmys give up on the idea of presenting the writing and editing categories early so that they can speed up their telecast. Your local news is pissed. [THR]

See, the youth network has been slipping some in the ratings the past two years, as generations shift and get older, and once-boffo programming like the aforementioned Hills start to get creaky and stale. Though head of programming Tony DiSanto, who's spearheading this overhaul, served as an executive producer on both The Hills and its predecessor Laguna Beach, he recognizes that tastes change pretty rapidly, and that the cinematic forgery of the Hills genre is losing all of its clout because kids know it's not, well, real:

While most of that stems from the aging of such stalwarts as "The Hills" and the dearth of big new hits, some of the slippage can be attributed to the generational shift of MTV viewers, with the channel's brass focusing on the new teens and twentysomethings, "the millennials."

DiSanto called them "the transparent generation" and said MTV's development is being altered to appeal to them. "They don't want to see a reality show that feels produced or is film-like," he said. "It's got to be real, authentic."

He points to the recently premiered "16 and Pregnant" as an example of the type of unscripted fare that MTV is now after and touts it as one series that could fuel a turnaround.

While we've not seen 16 and Pregnant, we assume it hews closer to the network's excellent True Life series (each installment of which is pitched and produced by independent production companies) than it does to, say, a show about rich pseudo-celebrities teetering around in expensive clothes, like The City.

So, minor cultural boom over? Has the Hills era seen the last of its glory days? Let's hope so. You kids might be smarter than everyone thought. Well, if not smarter, at least fickle in the right ways. Lauren Conrad, you got out just in time.

Graden, who gave up his MTV Networks Music Group president title on Monday, in steering the network through its intense changeover from a music-based format to a platform for young adult reality programming, has been one of the major faces of the unscripted TV boom. So we have him to curse for Heidi and Spencer, but to thank for True Life. Graden also shepherded the creation of Logo, the country's first LGBT-themed television station, and was instrumental in helping Trey Parker and Matt Stone get South Park off the ground.

Variety reports that his position will not be filled as Viacom has become "top heavy" with executive positions.

Graden and Van Toffler, who's the president of all MTV Networks, co-wrote the departure memo which is cute and full of fun little pop shout-outs, including Britney Spears, Kanye, and the Jonas Brothers.

Subject: Message from Van and Brian

For more than a dozen years now, Brian and I have been each other's work spouses. That's a longer partnership than most unions, so it's only natural that this comes from both of us. Let me now step aside for a moment and let him go first. Brian….

If you look at the shows we have all created together – especially lately – you can feel a tangible fascination with people on the brink of their next great adventure in life. We have called it aspirational
television – capturing people at the moment of transformation into a bold new iteration of themselves. Well, over the last year, I woke up to the fact that I'm a character in my own personal reality show and
this is my time for that next transformation.

Last year, Trey Parker convinced me I could afford to replace my beat up, 20 year old "rental" piano, and helped me pick out an amazing Yamaha Grand. Last Saturday night in Los Angeles, I played 10 original songs on that piano, while a full cast of actor/singers brought Limbo – a musical I'm writing with friends – to life for 100 guests (I have a big living room).

I know you're shocked: a gay man who loves musicals.

Truth is, I'd never written a song in my life until a few years ago, and now, I'm arranging on Logic Pro almost every night when I should be sleeping. The point isn't that I think I'm the next Diane Warren – I'm not. The point is: no matter what any of us have done in life, there's always some new passion waiting to show us how to keep evolving — if we honor that call when we hear it.

I've had a very unusual ride. Though I've been in one place, MTV Networks, for 12 years, I've been afforded a series of sequential chapters, each completely unique — like getting a new "calling" every couple of years. First serving the TRL generation at MTV. Later loving up the 80's at VH1. Working then with CMT and various international channels, and 4 years ago, a personal triumph, launching LOGO. All of which says a lot about the dynamic nature of MTV Networks and Viacom.

For me, it's time to complement my television ambitions with some new passions already in motion - the writing of two books, making music, creating theater, speaking on subjects that matter to me, raising alpacas…okay, perhaps not all calls will be heeded right away. I have no idea if I possess any of these talents, but my friends who know me well know that these new adventures have been tapping my shoulder for a few years.

Television however remains my first love, and I'm already deep in conversations with MTV Networks about shaping a situation that would allow me to still play with you guys in new ways for years to come. At MTV, it's necessary to think like a 19 year old girl every day, which wasn't much of a reach for me (yes, I have a favorite Jonas); in my next chapter however, the dream is to pursue a wider array of ideas that intrigue me, borne more from the heart than a need to serve any particular demographic or brand.

Van says I have a somewhat freakish ability to toggle between business and creative, kinda like Parent Trap – only my Haley Mills are internal, and can run networks. As the portfolio of responsibilities broadened and the businesses got more complex, the creative left side of my brain started to feel like Hilary at the democratic convention — left out.

That said, let me be clear: for 12 years this has been the greatest job in the world, and I've loved every minute of it. The good times through the hard times; from Britney mesmerizing in Catholic school
girl uniform through Britney stupefying in her "Gimme More" performance to Britney yet again dominating the 2008 VMA's. Yes, I measure my career in "Britney's", don't we all?

Seriously, it's been a rush to not know where "job" ends and "Real World" begins. Nowhere else in the programming universe is the unexpected quite as routine as it's been here.

I'll spare you further recounting of years gone by, but let's just say: I have worked at a company brave enough to shut down MTV for 17 hours and run the names of hate crime victims; brave enough to launch an LGBT channel when others said it couldn't be done; even brave enough to cross Kanye West… but then smart enough to make up…fast. I know more brave things are ahead, certainly for the rest of this year, and most definitely beyond.

But I won't spare you this admission: I love all of you. Really, genuinely, you've created the most special culture and brands in the world. Fortunately, I won't even be saying farewell for a while, as Judy and Van have asked me to stay through 2009 and help facilitate a great transition, which I'm happy to do — but we felt it was right to let people know now that this next evolution was beginning to occur. Until then I still get to launch a few more shows, watch a few more VMA's get handed out, witness a millennial brand makeover at MTV, and watch Diva's return on VH1.

When I speak to college kids, they often ask me if I had a detailed career plan – as if that's possible in entertainment – but the truth is: I just get up every day and do things that make me happy. I work with people I love, I trust in my heart as much as my head and everything else follows.

My fondest wish is that you're able to do the same in the years to come.

Image via Getty

This is almost without question a staged "controversy," what with Eminem screaming "get this motherfucker off of me" after the cameras had already focused in on him in the audience while Cohen was still in the air, but it's funny as hell nonetheless. We had tears in our eyes. Enjoy.

Nicole Kidman, plastic bee-stung actress of floundering status, has joined Woody Allen's next movie. Also on board are Josh Brolin, Anthony Hopkins, Naomi Watts, Antonio Banderas, and Freida Pino. Generally Allen's more star-studded movies turn out to be the worst ones (with the exception of Everyone Says I Love You), so this doesn't bode well. [Variety] Meanwhile the so totally still likable Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz are said to be on board a James Mangold-directed movie about a luckless lady love loser who meets a mysterious stranger on a blind date. The movie was originally going to star Eva Mendes and Chris Tucker, so that should speak to its quality. [Variety]

The top 35 ad-based cable networks—Fox News, Food Network, Cartoon Network—are up 7% this year in ratings. Fox, for example, averages a depressing 1.7 million households, up 22% from the same quarter last year. Though other networks like MTV and Lifetime have seen drops, 16% and 12% respectively. Makes sense to us. What with the economy and all, no one has time to pay attention to things like music and women. [Variety]

Hm. Noted conservative 24 producer Joel Surnow (who is responsible for this) is penning a 10-hour miniseries called The Kennedys, which will dig into "the soiled and crooked steps" that the family took to insinuate themselves into the White House. A Canadian distributor plans to shop the idea around Cannes in May. Good luck finding actors! Though, I bet Bruce Willis would look fabulous in a wig and pillbox hat. [Variety]

Area hottie boombalottie Ian Somerhalder (Boone from Lorst) has been cast in a CW pilot called Vampire Diaries. He plays a vampire who is fun one minute, evil the next. And nude. Hopefully nude. [Variety] Former hottie boombalottie Orlando Bloom will be featured in the last unproduced screenplay by the late playwright Horton Foote. He'll play a small town North Carolina policeman. Also joining him in the cast is Andrew McCarthy. [THR]

Donald Sutherland will star in The Eastmans for CBS. [THR] Isaiah Washington is lined up to star in that Lou Rawls biopic everyone's been clamoring for. [THR] The comic American Jesus, about a modern-day bout between the Savior and the Antichrist, may be adapted into a film by X-Men director Matthew Vaughn. [THR]

The show is How's Your News?, which began as a small summer camp news show featuring reporters with physical and mental disabilities, and later became a documentary about the project, funded by Matt Stone and Trey Parker. A few years later, they sold the concept as a series for MTV, the South Park guys staying mostly hands-off and letting the HYN producers take over. The first of six episodes begins airing Sunday. Here's MTV's trailer:

Scored with the same upbeat guitar riffs that propel the rest of their dopey "real life" offerings, MTV seems to be marketing this as a good time with a cast of lovable, just-slightly-more-retarded-than-Jackass characters, who can always fall back on their "challenged" status to say something truly ridiculous, nonsensical, or downright rude to a celebrity. It's the stars' reactions that wind up being the most interesting thing about this, however—ultra-P.C. Ben Affleck paralyzed out of fear he might say the wrong thing, or Miley Cyrus seeming genuinely at ease and not the least bit tempted to distort her face into some kind of slanty-eyed Mongol mockery. And then there's Sarah Silverman, who not surprisingly most capitalizes upon the opportunity. Funny? Offensive? We're not sure. Vintage Silverman.

• How's Your News? [MTV]
• BB Video: How's Your News? Comedy/News by Disabled People, Produced by South Park's Matt + Trey. [BoingBoing]

How mad are they? Mad enough to totally drop the CW and MTV from their channel lineup for no real reason! The Philadelphia Inquirer's David Hiltbrand noticed the weird omission and checked in with Scott Crystal, TV Guide's CEO and president. "There are now hundreds of channels on television and we can only accommodate approximately 70 in our primetime grids," he e-mailed. "In the past few weeks, the following networks have not appeared in the grids: MTV, CW, DIY and TV Guide Network." Damn, even TV Guide Network! Must have been an awkward office Christmas party.

But why would TV Guide drop those high-profile networks from its scheduling grids while retaining, say, QVC? According to Variety, it's because the home shopping network is a major advertiser—which might also explain why the extra room in the grid has been filled by an expanded listing for MyNetwork, broadcast networks' laughable baby cousin who no one talks about. Also, Variety speculates, maybe the magazine is now read exclusively by old people who can't figure out why their set-top box remotes are not emitting money when they try to stick their ATM cards in. If that's the case, will any of them notice that there are no upcoming times listed for The Hills and Privileged? They will not, preferring instead to use the magazine as a TV dinner coaster and an occasional reminder of when The Bonnie Hunt Show is on.

• TV Guide drops CW, MTV listings [Variety]

...(we're sorry, but paying a homeless guy ten bucks to wear a Santa hat and wander from cubicle to cubicle offering to pour shots of Ralph's brand creme de menthe down our throats does not constitute a "Christmas party"—not that we're complaining, Mr. Denton :D), just wait until you hear what they're sending MTV execs as belated gifts this year. A tipster writes:

Yesterday Joe Cuello Vice President of Creative Music Integration for MTV (west coast) was messengered a box of shit (feces) to his office. It wasn't sent via USPS mail, just messengered in private. Also no indication if it was human or animal feces.

Did he upset someone at a record label, a band, fire someone or layoffs, from a jilted mistress? Who knows (i don't but i got this info from a witness to the aftermath) but it sure is weird.

We suppose all of those things are plausible, but then again, no harm may have been meant by the pungent delivery at all. We're reminded of the time a New Line exec received a severed finger, which turned out to be nothing but an overzealous attempt at promoting a horror spec. Perhaps the fecal matter was simply a cleverly evocative tie-in, meant to drum up some MTV excitement for Sanjaya Malakar's freshman release, "Dancing to the Music In My Head."

No doubt much bloggie ink will be spilled discussing dramatic centerpiece Katelynn, a surprisingly well-adjusted, recently post-op transgender ("My brother went to Thailand for gender reassignment surgery and all I got was this lousy etc etc..."). While she flies under the radar of fitness model housemate Scott at the airport, Iraq War vet Ryan's highly attuned trannydar quickly clues in to the fact that Katelynn might be harboring a bepenised past. Someone needs to crack out the Jäger bottle, fire up the hot tub, and get this pansexual fuckfest going already.

Some more gay-themed clips follow from the rainbowiest season of Real World ever:

• Real World: Brooklyn [MTV]

With the contestants snug, asleep, and undressed in a Los Angeles hotel, Jenner ordered burly security guards to forcibly pull them from their beds, an offense that was once thought of as sexual harassment (back during The Real World: Los Angeles) but was now apparently regarded as great show fodder by a proto-gay, A&F-clad creative executive at MTV. The nude contestants were hooded and whisked away to a random house (near USC?) where Jenner was waiting, all so that his first words to the potential best pals could be, "Take 'em off, guys." Thus, MTV's bold new attempt at a gay dating show began.

Jenner promptly laid out the parameters of the first competition: "pull" two chicks for a party later that night. Helping to assist him would be his Hills costar Frankie Delgado and, uh, his "friend" "Sleazy T" (discuss: did the man choose his nickname because he didn't want his real one associated with this series, or did he possess it already, signifying a lack of shame that would render that sort of cognitive thinking moot? Wait, who are we kidding, he probably auditioned and was cast for this role himself, providing producers with a warm-up Bromance in miniature). This was far too much for the show's only (out) homosexual contestant, Michael, who quit the show after realizing that he had competition in the eyebrow-scaping department that he may never be able to surpass.

Eventually, after lots of lessons learned and one-armed handshake hugs, it came time for Jenner to eliminate a bro. For this, he stripped down to a swimsuit and entered his spa in a lovingly photographed montage that suggested a future Bromance challenge: the ability to trim one's chest hair, yet still craft an immaculate happy trail. Finally, Jenner was left in the pool with the two weakest contestants: filthy-mouthed Jacob, and a young man whose startling resemblance to Star Trek's Chris Pine was not helped by the name "Chris P." Sadly, it was Jacob who would be asked to leave the spa and show, though he received the order from Jenner in a catchphrase-less mumble. Not even a "Who broa, whoa. Uncool, brah"? Back to the drawing board, MTV. [Bromance]

It's your lucky annum, evidently, with MTV's week-long countdown of its favorite ladies of 2008 culminating today in female Twilight fans' victory. And it's really some victory, topping Katy Perry, Britney Spears and Miley Cyrus strictly on the basis of that dizzying moment when a hormone rush coincided with receiving one's biweekly allowance. Or something. MTV puts that vulnerability in slightly nicer terms:

Our sincerest apologies to male Stephenie Meyer lovers, Kaleb the Twilight Guy and, well, me. But even Forks fans of the testosterone persuasion have to admit that Twilight is a franchise driven by sincere, shrieking and borderline-stalker female fans.

Every list is controversial, and MTV News' Men and Women of the Year rankings are sure to get people talking. But ask yourself this: Can Britney Spears (#2) open a feature film at $70 million?

No — but Kristen Stewart can. Alas, she's unlisted. That's hardly of interest to the Women of the Year, meanwhile, who've held forth with page views appreciation as word gets around. So whatever, let them have their fun; Thelma Dennis can't be everyone's favorite heroine of 2008.

• MTV News' Woman Of The Year: Twilighters! [MTV News]

Is it true, John? Email us if you know more. This would be quite a blow for, ah, journalism—how many people have interviewed both Mariah Carey and Hans Blix?

We've gotten these other harrowing reports from the trenches as well (new reports added to the top):

• "Its bad at Vh1 on Hudson Street. Dozens let go. Security guys on each floor "observing". Lots of staff across the board gone, some that have been here for many years. The mood is bleak."
• "Awkward day here at MTVN. I'm a humble Production Assistant for Nickelodeon, and we just found out all we low level staff are okay for the time being. The layoffs on our floor were pretty dramatic: an entire department laid off, and our senior vice president, and a department head at N@N. Looks to be more of a management/higher-up bloodbath from here. And Nickelodeon is one of the few brands actually making money..."
• "I work at 1515 Broadway (the Viacom building) and in the elevators, the newstory about the 850 layoffs keeps coming up on the captivate tvs. Pretty classy..."
• "So far at least 5 people have been let go from MTV.com. Mostly producers and associate producers who were supposed to be creating original content. Well, they haven't been producing anything for awhile and the writing was on the wall."

At least we'll always have this Conor Oberst interview. To remember the good times.

According to E!, the new permit lasts 30 days and allows for local filming only once per week, and never on weekends. An unnamed Patridge foe cites narrow streets and fire hazards worsened by MTV vehicles, but a member of the underground army known as the Hollywood Dell Civic Association issued a more pointed opposition today:

The thing is the paparazzi, which was the problem on Orange Grove [where Conrad lives]. ... As I understand it, the issue was the paparazzi hanging around, throwing their garbage, throwing lit cigarettes, being belligerent, and this would have an impact on the quality of life in our neighborhood. And of course the looky-loos, you know, the kids that want to come up and check out her house leads to problems."

Viva la resistance! Gen. David Letterman would be so, so proud.

• Audrina's Neighbors Roll Out Unwelcome Mat [E!]