Ms. Paxton came to New York filled with hopes of making it big on a show we all knew was doomed to fail. Now she's totally screwed:

I spent two months and thousands of dollars without a paycheck moving to NY. And now they just say, 'oh, peace, you're done?' We all signed 6 month leases, and now we all have to figure out how to get out of our leases, and I have to figure out how to get all my furniture back. I don't know what to do with this NY furniture. We're kind of stranded.

And here the girls from The Hills are making mad bank for doing even less acting than required of Paxton. What is this economically shattered world coming to?

To be fair, Mischa—recently out of the crazy bin—is almost the worst part of this new soap, followed closely by Elle Macpherson (looking haggard and acting even worse), but the rest of it managed to be pretty and moody and different and fun! The first scene alone was awesome just for being visually interesting and advancing the action of an all-out model war without being hammy or heavy-handed. Don't get us wrong, it's no Mad Men or The Wire, but the premiere far outdid the new Melrose Place.

Life (sorry, CW, no matter how hard you try, we are not going to let TBL happen) is a bit like Gossip Girl for a slightly older crowd, but with less money and more drugs. Barton plays Sonja, a super model who is on her way out thanks to taking a few months off (we find out later that she ran off to have a baby). Her spotlight is stolen in the first scene by Raina, who also steals the heart of Chris, an Iowa farm boy who gets discovered by a smarmy model agent while on vacation in New York. Chris faces off against Cole, a nasty little model who doesn't want to be unseated as the king of all Blue Steel. Also with the blues,High School Musical's Corbin Bleu is Isaac, a former child model who wants to be a DJ but settles for being a gigolo (three very stable career choices there, Isaac) and Marissa is just hot and British. They all live together in a model house, except Sonja who has money of her own.

But this was a great first episode, quickly establishing the characters and their motives, cluing us in on the secrets to come, engaging in some bitchy duplicity, and having enough sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll to make us come back. Also, it's shot in a great style, that is full of the glamorous darkness that isn't often found outside of nightclubs and fashion magazines.

The show got about 1.5 million viewers which isn't too shabby for the CW, but it lost half of it's America's Next Top Model lead in. Did anyone else check it out? Should we start giving this thing the full recap treatment, or just leave it by the wayside as another fun trifle that can't keep our attention for that long (we're looking at you new 90210)?

We all know that "exhaustion" really means that you're partying too hard (see pic above, taken on June 26 as she exited a London club at 3:30am three weeks before her commitment), but don't want to admit it. Instead, you go with the Molar Defense and try to play us as a bunch of patsies. Even Britney was upfront about going bonkers. In this case, the lie is worse than what she's trying to cover up. Here's what Mischa told Time Out New York in her first Q&A since the hospital.

I went through a terrible surgery-a wisdom tooth surgery, all four removed. It was a nightmare. I've never had surgery before-it all went wrong and I had to have a second surgery and it almost delayed shooting because it was a nightmare to me, because I couldn't deal with the thought of not getting there on time. So with the travel, and surgery and prep for the show-it was hell.

So, was it the surgery that made you look all bloated and strung out in the pictures too? We just want to get on the officially party line here. When asked if it was drugs, she said no. And if asked if her hospitalization taught her how to deal with her emotions or the chronic pain from her botched surgery she says, "Not really."

Just for this, Mischa, we're not watching you play a pill-popping model on The Beautiful Life. Ok, that's a lie, but don't insult our intelligence, OK.

Page Six reports that Barton's publicist can't even get his gonzo client on the cover of any of the tabloid magazines. What, did OK! have the first pictures of Paz Vega's baby instead?

"As sad as Mischa's recent problems are, what seems to be upsetting her representatives even more is that no one really cares," said the editor

Is that because after the head-shaving, chopper-chasing, ambulance-cramming awesomeness of Britney going bonkers, everything pales in comparison? These are just a handful of the covers that were coming out on a weekly basis in 2007 during Britney's spectacular fall from grace. Just a year later, Heather Locklear barely got any when she started acting nuts.

Running concurrently with Britney during the summer of tabloid gold, Lindsay Lohan was arrested for DUI more than once and was in and out of rehab. She even managed to score the cover of the New York Post and the Daily News on the same day!

Or is it, sadly, that neither of these women are famous enough for their mental condition to warrant our concern? It's probably a combination of that and the lack of a really sensational story, like Anne Heche wandering into people's houses in her underwear babbling about spaceships (remember that?!). See, Mischa, you just didn't go crazy enough.

Regardless of the reason, it looks like Barton is going to have to get on the cover of a tabloid the old fashioned way. You know, by being a good actress, getting knocked up, or having her husband leave her and their eight children to chase floozies around Southhampton with Michael Lohan.

Reports The Envelope:

After a call to police last night from her home, she's been placed under an involuntary psychiatric hold (also known as a 5150) by the Los Angeles Police Department and is currently at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, reports Access Hollywood.

Barton was put under Section 5150 of the California Welfare and Institutions Code by police and transported to Cedars-Sinai. This code gives authorities the power to hold a person if he or she is gravely disabled or suffers from a mental disorder.

The Homecoming, the trailer to which she posted to her blog recently, was supposed to be her big comeback. So much for that.

Mischa Barton Pulls a Britney, Is Placed in Involuntary Psychiatric Hold [The Envelope]

Ok!
"Idol Wars."
This incredibly boring story about how maybe Kara DioGuardi and Paula Abdul may not get along contains the following quote: "During breaks, Simon, Randy and Paula would leave the table to talk to the crowd or get food, leaving Kara to swivel in her chair," an onlooker tells Ok!. "Kara was the odd man out." Sniff! Moving on: If you looove Robert Pattinson, there are some pictures of him inside. Also inside: Neighbors overheard Lindsay Lohan in her house, yelling: "Mom, stop it! Enough! Quit it!" Apparently Dina was trying to get Lindsay to go to rehab. Next: Since Brad Pitt drives his kids to school now, moms on Long Island are getting dressed up! "They usually wear sweatpants, but now they're all decked out," a source says. Lastly, Marie Osmond says: "I'm the original Octomom!"
Grade: F (fire ants)

Life & Style
"Twilight Heartbreak."
The mag claims that Robert Pattinson has been hooking up with costar Nikki Reed. A source says: "Rob's been flirting with everyone on set, in front of Nikki, even though they've been sleeping together." But! "He can get any girl on set except Kristen [Stewart]." Anyway, Rob and Nikki have been fighting on set and OMG DRAMZ. Oh, look, a "poor Jennifer Aniston" story! This one is called "Jen's Struggle With Aging" and says: "She's having a problem with the fact that her character [in The Baster] who is trying to pregnant ages from 40 to 48 in the movie. 'She keeps saying it's not believable because she looks much younger,' says the insider. 'She asked the make-up artist what high-tech effects they're going to use to age her, and she was disappointed to learn there aren't any.'" Sad! Nadya Suleman says "I only slept 2 hours last night," and a doctor who does not treat her says, "Most people need between six and eight hours of sleep in some form." Really? You don't say! The Kardashians have a "dream house" now because their other house was too small or something. "The other house just felt so crowded," Kendall Kardashian says. The new mansion has six bedrooms and eight baths. This week in Dr. Rey's Casebook, it's "Who Has The Best Butt In Hollywood." [Fig. 1] The doctor says, "Most people would need a surgical solution like butt implants to achieve Beyoncé's look." Also, Mischa Barton would look better with AnnaLynne McCord's ass. There's an interview with Gwyneth and Madonna's trainer, Tracy Anderson, who says: "Anyone can have a teeny-tiny body." She may feel this way because she is five feet tall and 91 lbs. What if you are six feet or have different genetics, hmm?
Grade: D- (bed bugs)

In Touch
"How We Keep Our Love Alive."
There's nothing new in this cover story — lots of stuff about Barack and Michelle's exes, and the quotes come from Ladies Home Journal, O: The Oprah Magazine and Essence. But one awesome thing is this prom picture of Michelle [Fig 2]. Moving on: The mag uses a quote from Scarlett Johansson's Huffington Post rant against how tabloids comment on her weight as a diet tip. Breaking: Brad and Angelina haven't been seen together in 48 days! Uh-oh, Britney's man, backup dancer Chase Benz, has a girlfriend. Chase's mom talked to the mag from her home in Tennessee, saying: "He has a girlfriend that lives here in Tennessee. They've been dating for three years. She is 21 like Chase. And she is beautiful on the inside as well as the outside… Britney is a pretty girl but his girlfriend has nothing to worry about." Guess who is getting half of Mel Gibson's $900 million estate? His wife! There's no pre-nup… A story called "It's Baby Time!" claims that Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry might adopt and Heidi Klum is four months pregnant. Next up: When Lindsay Lohan was out partying recently, she asked her friends to call her "Eleanor." But she denies this. Lisa Rinna on posing for Playboy at 45: "I hope it inspires women to feel good about themselves in their 40s, that you can still be viable and sexy." Another "Poor Jen" story! Ms. Aniston had "several secret meetings" with Gerard Butler because they're planning to star in a movie together. But Gerard is a "fame-seeker," and a "player" who "won't commit" so Jen is "picking the wrong man again." Jen's been calling her friends and crying, saying she can't stand to be alone. The mag helpfully points out that even though Jen ranked above Angelina on a list of celebrity salaries, "money can't buy love." Feel like stalking? Nicole Richie, Heidi Klum, Isla Fisher, Gwen Stefani and Jessica Alba all take their kids to "Hollywood's Hottest Playground," which is Coldwater Canyon Park in Beverly Hills. WOO HOO: Fourteen months after separating, Pink and Carey Hart are getting married again! A friend says they want to have a ceremony at their house in Malibu on the beach at sunset. Awww.
Grade: D+ (fleas)

Us
"Inside The $900 Million Split."
Mel Gibson has been cheating on his wife with a Russian musician named Oksana, who is on his music label. He also shot one of her videos. This story is illustrated with a picture of Mel kissing Oksana on a beach in Costa Rica. Moving on: Lindsay emailed Us and said: "These accusations of me being crazy are not only inadequate but absurd." The mag says she was out partying with her mom and drank 7 cocktails in less than 2 hours and couldn't even stand up; she counters: "I don't drink for quite some time now." As for the cutting, she says: "Hahaha… I'm not a cutter." She also defended her mother clubbing with her: "My mother is amazing and she came here to be here for me." Next: The mag claims that when Rihanna saw pictures of Chris Brown with a new ladyfriend, she sent him a text message, and he replied, "It's none of your business." An article called "Meet Bo Obama!" has a quote from a trainer who worked with Bo: "I have worked with a lot of dogs, and Bo is incredibly bright and sensitive. He has an excellent memory. He'd pick up a stick on a walk, drop it, then on the way back he would use his nose and go right to the same stick, which I found amazing." Lastly, in a story called "Palin Family Feud," the mag talks to Bristol's hairdresser and "friend" LaVancha Lankford, who says: "Bristol was shocked [that Levi's sister spoke to a tabloid]." A source claims that Levi Johnston has hooked up with a girl named Khori Elder, who has her lip pierced, and whose Facebook profile says "every girl needs a man to make her weak." This magazine also had a pull-out poster of Britney's Candie's ad in it, which we plan to hang in our non-existent locker.
Grade: C- (ticks)

Star
"Angelina Pregnant Again!"
A "family insider" says "Yes, Angie is pregnant. They've been trying for another baby for months, but it was still a total shock when she found out. Brad and Angie have been fighting so much lately it just doesn't seem possible." Another source says "It happened just in time because things were getting ugly between them." Wanna know all about the moment she told Brad? "Angie met him by the front door, looking gorgeous, and told him she was having a baby. Brad was shocked at first, I mean, he was just stunned. He literally swept Angelina off her feet and carried her into the house. He was laughing and crying and kissing her. It was very emotional for them both." Anyway this baby has put an end the the feuding and even though she's only two and a half months along, they're trying to decide where the kid will be born. Brad wants New Orleans. And! Angelina is craving Twinkies, just so you know. Next: Rupert Everett has done something to his face. [Fig. 3]. A doctor who does not treat him says: "I think Rupert had a face lift. His cheeks are fuller and lifted, and his jawline and neck are pulled back and smoother." Oh, and a chin implant. The forehead? Botox. Pink and Carey Hart have agreed never to be away from each other for more than 2 weeks. Make it work! Ed Westwick and Jessica Szohr went out to dinner with Ed's parents when they visited from England. Is Fergie losing her hair [Fig. 4]? Blind item: "Which actor needs to give his nose a break? His coke-heavy 'model parties' have already sent him to the hospital once recently, but he can't stop being host to starlets." Twilight gossip: "Kristen Stewart and Nikki Reed are competing for Rob's attention," says a source. Apparently they both like him and are "headed for a major showdown." Robert Pattinson has been visiting both of their hotel rooms. David Duchovny and Tea Leoni are totes back together and the mag has pictures of them dancing closely, embracing each other in the Caribbean. Here's a great quote from a story about Britney Spears and Kevin Federline: "Kevin misses Britney and her intrigue. She's the only woman who keeps his mind in suspense and constant turmoil. And Kevin misses the everyday fun of it." Miley Cyrus has a "secret brother" whom she never sees. His name is Christopher Cyrus, he's 17, and he lives with his mom and stepdad in Texas. Apparently Billy Ray fathered this kid right before Miley; they're less than 8 months apart. Levi Johnston' sister Mercede spoke to star again, saying, "My dad is determined to get 50/50 custody of Tripp for Levi. He's going to fight for it."
Grade: C (mosquitoes)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

Fig. 4

OK!
"Face To Face."
Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie will finally see each other on February 21, at the night-before-the-Oscars party. The rest of this article recounts every time since January 2005 (when Jen and Brad split) that these two could have seen each other, but didn't. A psychoanalyst who does not treat Jen says Jen should bring John [Mayer] to the showdown, because it will make her more confident. "It's common for a woman who goes to a party by herself to feel insecure. But when a woman has a date, she feels loved, special and socially secure." Wow, how positively modern. Next: A story called "Jessica Indulges In Love!" is about Ms. Simpson's Valentine's Day weekend. She went to Serendipity 3 in New York, and a spywitness says she and Tony shared a sundae the size of her head. Everyone is watching what she eats! Lastly, from an "exclusive" interview with Giuliana Rancic from E! News: Eleven years ago, she underwent surgery for scoliosis. "My doctor put two rods in my back. I have a scar from my neck all the way down my back to my behind." This is notable because the magazine Photoshopped the scar out of the picture in which she is proudly showing it off. (Fig. 1)
Grade: F (herniated disc)

Life & Style
"Leave Him."
No one who works with Rihanna thinks she is just going to walk away from Chris Brown. She's been talking on the phone with his mom. A psychiatrist who does not treat Rihanna says "I think relationships do sometimes recover, even from episodes of domestic abuse." Ugh! The magazine prints this sentence: "Rihanna may need friends and family to back off." Says a Rihanna insider: "The thing that's hurting her worst of all right now is the pressure she's getting from her management and family to write Chris off. You've got to remember after she left the hospital, she met up with him at the hotel. She's not ready to leave him." Oy. Moving on: Britney is tired of keeping her feelings to herself, so she's turning her "private diaries" into a book. She's been filling notebooks with poems, thoughts, feelings, song lyrics and letters that she never sent. She started when her marriage to K-Fed was ending. An insider says, "These notebooks read like a story, and Britney still has all of them." Another "Jen is gonna meet Angie" story! This one has a sidebar suggesting that Brad and Angie "dissed" Jen on her birthday; apparently she invited Brad and Angie to her 40th birthday but they were traveling at the time. Next: An interview with Jennifer Gimenez from Sober House talks about how she was using an eight ball of coke a day at the height of her addiction, and it was fueled by people telling her she was too fat when she was a model. Lastly: This week in Dr. Rey's Casebook, it's "Which Stars Have The Most Requested Features?" Scarlett Johansson's cleavage, Kate Moss's cheeks and Angelina Jolie's eyes are popular. Dr. Rey suggests thousands of dollars in surgery to get these looks!
Grade: D- (pinched nerve)

In Touch
"Get Out."
Inside the magazine, this story is titled "Get Out Of My House," and it's about how Angelina is "livid" that Brad wants his parents to come and help with the kids while Angie is filming her movie in New York. At no point in the story does Angelina say "get out" or does anyone claim that she wants Brad to leave. False advertising! Anyway, Brad's mom and dad will live with them in the Hamptons for a while, since, according to a source, "Brad and Angelina don't even know how to turn on an oven." The mag prints the headline: "Uh-oh, Jen's Moving To New York Too!" because the city is not big enough for two women and one Brad Pitt. Next: John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston went to the Bahamas and on Valentine's day, they did not leave their villa at all. Sexy sexy sex! Mischa Barton is "skin and bones." Her face is "gaunt" with sunken cheeks (Fig. 2). Is it because magazines and bloggers mocked her cellulite (Fig. 3)? Moving on: The "Jake Is Ready To Propose" item says that Mr. Gyllenhaal spent four hours looking at jewelry for Reese Witherspoon. (Us claims he bought earrings.) You know how Usher's wife was in Brazil for liposuction? Usher didn't know about her surgery. "No one knows if she wanted to surprise him with her new figure, or whether she knew she'd be upset about leaving their sons to have a procedure done," a source spills. Also: Rihanna is "picking up the pieces" because Chris was not just her boyfriend but her best friend. "She hates Chris, but still loves him at the same time," an insider says. They have spoken a few times since the incident and relayed messages back and forth through a friend. Meanwhile, there's another story about weight: "Stars Feel Pressure To Be Skinny." (Fig 4.) Oh, and "Kellie Pickler Looks So Different." (Fig. 5) Botox at 22? Lastly: The best thing about the Madonna/Jesus Luz story is the box letting you know where Jesus was at different points in Madonna's career. For instance: When she was in A League Of Their Own, he was five (Fig. 6).
Grade: D (sciatica)

Us
"Octo Mom's Dark Secrets."
In a paid interview from the UK, Nadya Suleman says she hasn't had sex in eight years and when she was growing up, her parents had separate bedrooms and "stayed in the marriage" for her. The mag talks to a neighbor who says, "I asked her once if she was a virgin and she said she's not." Sorry? You asked your neighbor what? According to legal documents, Suleman had a boob job when she was 18. The story goes on for 8 pages, and includes stuff you don't want to know, like maybe Suleman was depressed after her back injury and didn't want to have sex with her husband, which led to their divorce. But by talking to The Sun and The Daily Mail, she made about $227,000. Which is what, three weeks of diapers and food for 14 kids? The president of TLC confirms that the channel has been in touch with Suleman, but says, "We are still watching this story evolve." In other words, if she's actually cuckoo for cocoa puffs and everyone hates her, we won't give her a show! Next: Angela Kinsey, who plays Angela on The Office and had a baby in May, has separated from her husband of eight years. She won't be able to avoid the family, because his brother, Paul Lieberstein, also stars on The Office. Lastly: "How Rihanna's Coping" claims that Rihanna has been telling everyone she is sorry, even though it's not her fault. A source says that Chris and Rihanna had broken up a week before the incident. During the relationship, Chris used to make little insults when Rihanna's hair wasn't done, and make fun of her accent. He tried to make her jealous by laughing in her presence over inside jokes with Jordan Sparks. Chris choreographed a dirty dance with Ciara for the BET awards in 2008, and afterward, Rihanna was all, "What the hell was that?" Chris said: "You can be replaced."
Grade: D+ (neck crick)

Star
"I Still Love Him!"
A friend says Rihanna knows there is another side to Chris Brown, a "kinder, gentler" side, and right now, she loves and misses that man. An insider says she's already forgiven Chris for the "misunderstanding," as she puts it, and has reached out to Chris with numerous texts and phone calls. But! The mag obtained text messages from a woman named Tiffany — sent by Chris Brown the night before Chris and Rihanna performed at Madison Square Garden in December. Tiffany walked past Chris and his posse on the street, and Chris sent a posse member over. Phone numbers were exchanged. Chris called and said, "I'm at the London Hotel, do you want to hang out?" Tiffany got nervous. She texted him: Can I bring my sister? Chris wrote back, "Yeah, is she single?" Tiffany let Chris know that she had a boyfriend but that her sister was indeed single, and Chris wrote: "When u come here, all that doesn't matter." Star traced the phone number and it is registered to Chris Brown's production company! Next: Rachel Zoe is very thin (Fig.7). Rachel McAdams is practically living in Josh Lucas's NYC apartment. Hayden Christensen and Rachel Bilson are engaged. Jessica Simpson asked her Dukes Of Hazzard trainer to help her monitor her diet, but she's having trouble sticking to the 1250 calorie a day regimen (um, because that's not enough to live on?). The magazine writes: "Jessica's most recent violation was indulging in the terrible trio of chicken wings, nachos and booze." An insider says: "She can't resist junk food. She literally needs to be watched 24/7." Or left alone!?!?! Blind item: "Which aging action hero borrows from his wife's underwear drawer? His newly slim frame is all thanks to Spanx! He wears the ladies' hose under his designer suits." Awesome story of the week: "Ellen and Portia: It's Baby Time!" The mag actually prints this sentence: "First came love, then came marriage. Now Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi are ready for the baby carriage." Apparently Ellen has given Portia the greenlight to get IVF. Ellen's brother Vance may donate sperm! "They'd love to have a boy," says an insider. Moving on: Britney will be making money again when she goes on her Circus tour, which is good news to the more 100 people (!!!) on her payroll. She spends the bulk of her earnings on her staff, treating them to manicures, massages and clothes. But! A spy sez: "Sometimes Brit wonders why she has to pay her dad. Because there are days when all he does is watch sports and make pie." Her dad gets $200,000 a year for being the conservator of her estate; her mom gets $180,000 for being her mom. Next there's yet another story about Mischa Barton being "Skin And Bones." Apparently Mischa told someone she wants her bones to stick out. She barely eats and she's taking diet pills, claims a "friend." Nicole Richie and Rachel Zoe are friends again, which freaks out Joel Madden, who blames Rachel for Nic's drastic dieting. Lastly: Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift were making fun of people backstage at the Grammys. A source says they "seem sweet, but can act like snotty little brats." Miley's mom and dad bicker nonstop at home; and Miley's boyfriend/aspiring singer Justin Gaston, who lives with them, walks around in his underwear, which upsets Billy Ray. A spy says: "Justin recently devoured an entire apple pie that Billy Ray was looking forward to eating when he got home!"
Grade: C (sore shoulders)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

Fig. 4

Fig. 5

Fig. 6

Fig. 7

1. Mischa Barton
Title: Closing the Ring
Release Date: August 1, 2008
Mischa Barton not only goes topless 26 minutes into this World War II drama, but at the 34-minute mark, the O.C. hottie bares T&A. Mischa’s nude scenes are luscious, lengthy and brightly lit, so they’re guaranteed to turn you into a Barton fink!

We're disappointed and a little surprised, frankly. Old Harvey would have locked down the number one spot with an aggressive lobbying effort, NSFW "For Your Consideration" ads, and a series of generously topless post-film Q&As with Winslet. It's a stunning upset for Barton, but then, many in the industry have wanted to see Weinstein toppled since Gwyneth Paltrow's Shakespeare in Love nude scene somehow beat out Cate Blanchett in '98. Consider yourself avenged, Cate!

• Mr Skin's Top 20 Celebrity Nude Scenes of 2008 [Mr Skin]

Cocaine-snazzled actress Lindsay Lohan, who is now a gay person dating a gay woman who deejayed at the bash. Odious "actress" and model Mischa Barton (who, OK, was born in England, but she made her money here). Tax-dodging half-vampire Wesley Snipes. Too-bored-to-ever-know-where-she-is fashion plate Mary Kate Olsen. I guess things here in the patriotic old US of A got a bit too messy for them, a bit too elbow-greasy. So they flit on over to some twirling, towering desert city of steel and glass where the champagne still flows and the hotels are tacky and people still have the energy to celebrate it all. Fair-weather Americans if you ask me.

While the country burns—literally and figuratively—these folks spent how much on dresses (and, um, banana-yellow suits in the case of Mr. Snipes), to go fete it up in the Middle East and had the audacity to smile?? Well I hope they like it over there in Terrorist Disney World, because they aren't allowed back here.

All images via Getty

Boomp3.com

One time television star Mischa Barton visited a West Hollywood liquor store to finally a bit of prep work for her presidential debate party on Wednesday night. Barton felt that the 18 pack would get her guests through the first 18 times Republican nominee John McCain says, “my friends,” and/or “maverick.” Barton said, “McCain seems pretty aware that he’s becoming a parody of himself. So, he might introduce a new catch phrase or buzz word to ruin our drinking game. Like supercalifragilisticexipialidocious.”

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Boomp3.com

Going for the quirky (yet hunky) nerd look, popular actor of stage and screen Josh Hartnett attempted to make a clean getaway not only from a London nightclub, but actress Mischa Barton as well. Hartnett said, “She seems like a great gal and all, but I’m just too focused on my craft these days. Hence, the nerdy glasses.” Barton hollered at Hartnett to get his attention, but the dedicated actor would not heed Barton’s advances. Barton said, “He’s so brooding and deep and why doesn’t he want to hang out with me?”

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

How do you try and revive a career that only you want revived? Well, in Hollywood this year you can either get pregnant, or do what this C list film/B list television actress that I love to hate is going to do. Become a lesbian. Yes, you heard it here first. This actress is going to loudly dump her boyfriend and start dating a woman simply for the publicity...Instead of paying someone to be a beard for you, this actress is going to take some of her fast dwindling cash and pay someone to be her lesbian lover.

Rampant speculation, after the jump:

Out first guess was Mischa Barton, though it must be said that the same-sex angle didn't work out so well for her character on The O.C. Then our thoughts drifted to Heroes star Hayden Panettiere, but her girl-crush on Angelina Jolie is a little predictable for a starlet who's truly hoping to make sapphic waves. Could it be, then, that Gossip Girl's Blake Lively has been sharing her traveling pants with someone the same size? It's possible, but we'll throw our weight behind dark horse guess Kendra Wilkinson of The Girls Next Door. What better way to avoid typecasting as a boy-crazy bimbo than to ditch the Hef for someone more substantial...you know, like Tila Tequila!

• Today's Blind Items [Crazy Days and Nights]

Not even a smattering of fun gold stars and marching orders to "PARTY ON!" in festive script can remove the dead-eyed, "Welcome to your new Realdoll" stink from this particularly soul-sucking soirée. It kind of makes us want to rough-up a chaise lounge.

In today's installment: Paula Abdul, Courtney Love, Diane Keaton, Salma Hayek, Jason Schwartzman, Forest Whitaker, Elliott Gould, Mischa Barton, Craig Ferguson, Seth Green, Luke Perry, William Peterson, Michael C. Hall, Peter Krause, Maria Sharapova, Robin Tunney, Craig Bierko, Ian Ziering, Rodger Lodge, Max Martini and John Calipari and more.

SATURDAY, JULY 5
· A strange duo at the LAX Luftansa business class counter around noon: Six Feet Under's PETER KRAUSE (and son, I presume) with The Unit's MAX MARTINI (again, with son). Both looking quite virile.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 23
· Tennis Darling/Nikon shiller MARIA SHARAPOVA shopping at the Anthropologie in El Seguendo Plaza. She was rummaging through racks and stacks like everyone else (Stars! There just like us.)

SATURDAY, JULY 18
· Saturday night at Bar Marmont, I saw my future ex-husband, MICHAEL C. HALL, of Dexter fame. He seemed shy, but very polite.

MONDAY, JULY 21
· DIANE KEATON, hand-in-hand with her adorable young son (looked 7 or 8), walking him in to day-camp at the Ocean Institute in Dana Point. Amidst the sun-aged, OC wanna-be MILFs, Diane looked sophisticated and straight out of Annie Hall in long sleeves, dress slacks, blazer, scarf, and felt hat.

TUESDAY, JULY 22
· I JACK STEHLIN (DEA Roy Till on Weeds, thx IMDB) at the Whole Foods on Barrington and National. He was helping two cute little girls (his daughters?) at the salad bar. He has very very blue eyes. Later, out in the parking lot, I saw ELLIOTT GOULD pulling into a parking space. Looks exactly like Elliott Gould pulling into a parking space.

THURSDAY, JULY 24
· I went to LAX last Thursday and saw WILLIAM H. PETERSON, dressed head to toe in black, including some sort of black baseball Castro-styled hat, and oddly because it was very warm, a dark scarf. He was so "incognito" it was hard to miss him. Of course no one noticed him anyway. I will say he greeted his driver very warmly - which was saved me from really being annoyed with his trying-so-hard-not-to-be-seen-that-of-course-you notice-him 'tude.
· 3:30 p.m.: RODGER LODGE, of Blind Date and sports talk radio fame, chatting with his wife while pushing a double stroller through the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. Unshaven and dressed for the pool, but still quite manorexic and brow-waxed. Two kids under 4 years old scampering about and being loud. An animated thought bubble appeared over his head: "How did I get here? My God, what have I done?"
· Saw Memphis basketball coach JOHN CALIPARI talking on his mobile phone in front of the InterContinental Hotel in Century City this morning...Had a terrible tick and was mumbling something along the lines of "Guard Chalmers! Guard Chalmers!" No sight of Memphis Tiger bandwagoner Justin Timberlake.
· LUKE PERRY at El Toro Cantina on the Miracle Mile. With a pretty, skinny brunette, both totally into each other. Was disappointed to see he was wearing sweatpants, once he stood up to leave. He still looks amazing, not gonna lie.

FRIDAY, JULY 25
· Spotted SALMA HAYEK at the ArcLight looking terrific — didn't she just have a baby? She was with what looked like her girl posse ... did not see what movie they went to, but wanted to cheer girlfriend on for breaking the engagement to Francois-Henri Pinault.
· This is the type of star sighting that urban myths are made of. I saw COURTNEY LOVE, America's Sweetheart of babble-blogging used-to-be-rock stardom, shopping for paints in Cox Paints in Santa Monica. From behind a turnstile of Benjamin Moore samples came the raspy strains of a woman on the edge...the edge of re-painting the inside of her Malibu home with a cacophony of kaleidescopic colors in various finishes. The most important was finding a red that had to match something of the red glitter variety. Oh Courtney...you are bat s**t kooky crazy and skinny as an adolescent whippet which is exactly what I look for in a celebrity.
· 11:30 a.m.: CRAIG FERGUSON, CBS' wildly underappreciated and underpromoted late-night host, hunkering down in a corner of the Starbucks in the middle of the MGM Grand in Vegas. Wearing a black T-shirt and big, thick sunglasses while talking to a hot, age-appropriate blonde and being quite charming to people who recognized him. He's gonna grind Jimmy Fallon into haggis after NBC commits Lorne-assisted suicide next year.
· This morning at 10:00 am I ran into CRAIG BIERKO at the Beverly/Detroit Starbuck's. If I ever get a TV gig, I have to have his DP and makeup crew. For this lucky guy, the camera subtracts 10 pounds.

SATURDAY, JULY 26
· ROBIN TUNNEY at Dan Tana's for a birthday party with Heidi Klum's ex-husband Ric Pipino. Hairdressers get all the hot girls!
· I was coming out of The Dark Knight at Arclight and my friends and I saw one paparazzo take a picture of someone on our way to the parking garage. We had no idea who it was and kept walking to the elevators, when we got a closer look and saw it was MISCHA BARTON. She didn't look as emaciated as one would expect and was with a normal-looking guy who was about her height, maybe a little shorter. The guy seems to be an upgrade from her past men - he looked like he showered.
· IAN ZIERING is training a (his?) very well behaved shaggy dog by Cafe Primo on The Strip.
· Saw PAULA ABDUL at the Borders on Ventura in Sherman Oaks. She had a handful of books in one hand (Three Cups of Tea was the only one I could see the title of) and a coffee in the other. She was looking at the travel books and seemed alone. Planning a vacay maybe. Sundress, ponytail, pretty.
· Spotted SETH GREEN last night at a friend's Comic Con after party. Way shorter than expected and seemed to be unable to enjoy himself for fear that he would be recognized. Honestly, the whole place knew he was there and no one was bugging the guy. Ignored a friend who tried to strike up a friendly conversation with him outside the party. Acted like he was busy on the phone instead. Overall impression, lame.

SUNDAY, JULY 27
· Heidi Klum's current hubby SEAL at the Coffee Shop, downstairs at the BHH. Also spotted, real estate reality TV stars JOHN BERSCHI and KURT RAPPAPORT. JACK OSBOURNE also poked his head in, but wouldn't wait for a stool.

TUESDAY, JULY 29
· FORREST WHITAKER indulging some fans outside ONE Sunset. Not as big as I thought he'd be.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 30
· I spotted JASON SCHWARTZMAN in the Staples on Sunset. He wasn’t holding any office supplies, but he did look like a man on a mission. Very handsome, although much smaller than I would have expected.

First, a closer look at the "sexy" ads in question, which include pull-quotes suggesting just how much closer potential viewers will get to the cool kids' table. Watching this show is so dangerous! Your parents will have nightmares just thinking about the (sort of) short skirts Blair wears! Do the nasty!

Sadly, progressively heightening a show's sex appeal with ever-so-slightly hotter ads might not be the wisest move. After Buffy got the shove-off to the vintage UPN, Sarah Michelle Gellar was photographed posing in that trademark Cosmo cover stance, suggestively, maybe, possibly, on the verge of masturbation. One season later, and the series' ashes lived on in that icky spin-off Angel. As for Beverly Hills: 90210, the standard smiley group shot used in promos rarely veered far off course. But once Season 10 wheezed its final pointless breath, Donna and her new boobs sat front and center, Kelly was forced to be groped by New Brandon Replacement #47, and Steve Sanders was permitted to play "sexy" while raising a risqué, black denim-clad leg around New Brenda Replacement #287. And the poor OC decided that turning Marissa into a lesbian wasn't quite sordid enough, so the previously wholesome ads ended, along with the series, with uber-tanned Mischa pushing whatever boobage she had together in the sand, while Ryan appeared ready to give her the old in-and-out from behind (Chino-style!).

Oops. After the sight of Rachel and Monica passionately making out giving each other a friendly peck failed to increase ratings for Dirt, some genius thought the image of Courteney Cox covered in actual dirt (get it?!) would do the trick. But rather than getting new viewers all hot and bothered, everyone just felt, well, dirty (get it?! Sigh.) Finally, the recently canceled L Word used a rather obvious promotional image by shoving all the chic lipstick lesbians together in one big ol' nude orgy party. The problem with this image? See the previous sentence (specifically, the "canceled" part).

• OMG! CHECK OUT THE SEXY NEW 'GOSSIP GIRL' ADS! [People]

In the span of two days, Nylon magazine released photos from their August cover star missing various amounts of clothing, while Candies-ad girl Hayden just posed for some provocative (for an 18-year old, at least) pics in order to promote her upcoming pop album. Yes, that sweet sweaty smell of exploitation filling your nostrils? Once again, thank Lindsay Lohan. A closer look at all four naughty girls and their dirty pictures, after the jump:

Though the Nylon spread is admittedly gorgeous, the uncanny resemblance between these topless shots and Lindsay's myriad "artful" topless, backless, panty-less photos is pretty clear. Even Gwyneth caught on to the secret backbone-baring method towards stardom back in her call girl days.

And as for Hayden, who's already learned what a little cheerleader's uniform can do for her growing group of male fans, decides to go one step further and just pull a Miley by showing her tummy off to all interested parties. Counting down the seconds until either a bare back or, more likely, the highly effective full-frontal appears in a glossy. And yes, it's probably a matter of seconds.

[Photo credits: Nylon, Daily Mail]

• OOH LA LA! MISCHA EXPOSED [Nylonmag.com]
• HEROES STAR HAYDEN PANETTIERE VAMPS UP TO LAUNCH HER POP CAREER [Daily Mail]

Andy Dick, comedian

How drunk: Groping minors, getting arrested — classic Andy Dick, basically.

Latest: Nabbed by the police in Murrieta, California for drug use, posession of marijuana and Valium and for sexual assault after Dick grabbed a 17-year-old's breasts at 2am outside (sigh) "Buffalo Wild Wings Grill & Bar."

Outlook: Given his long and distinguished track record, a relapse is virtually guaranteed.

Low point: Beaten up at the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles in July 2007 by fellow comedian Jon Lovitz, who blamed him for the death of comedian Phil Hartman since Dick allegedly sold cocaine to Hartman's wife, a recovering addict, before she killed Hartman.

Jessica Simpson, singer

How drunk: Drunk at lunch, but not drunk driving.

Latest: Perhaps distraught at pictures of ex-flame John Mayer with actress Jennifer Aniston, Simpson last week went on a four-hour margarita binge at LA's Mexicali Cocina Cantina that ended with her friend puking under the table and Simpson abandoning her car.

Outlook: Her clean track record offers hope this was an isolated boozing, but she needs to get over Mayer.

Low point: The restaurant thing. Simpson was once a goody two-shoes, having started singing in a Baptist church before transitioning to harmless teen pop. She remained a virgin prior to her first marriage.

Amy Winehouse, singer

How drunk: Epically.

Latest: Thinks her home is inhabited by ghosts; caught smoking crack or something on video; punched, headbutted and stiffed three different people over the course of a single night; has a skin condition associated with crack addicts.

Outlook: Will probably deteriorate until she runs out of money or comes, somehow, closer to death. Rumors continue to circulate she'll seek treatment abroad, for example in Israel or South Africa. Whatever — these reports have been floated repeatedly in recent months and have yet to pan out.

Low point: Probably whatever is in the British tabloids on any given morning. Has had major issues at least since she's been famous. Her first U.S. hit was called "Rehab," after all.

Drew Barrymore, actress

How drunk: Engagement-breakingly, allegedly.

Latest: Dumped by actor Justin Long (whom she reportedly planned to marry) after he "got tired of having to help Drew to the car at the end of the night," according to the National Enquirer. After battling drugs and alcohol as a child star, Barrymore thought she had things under control.

Outlook: Decent: Continues to work, and normally tends to keep herself out of the tablouds.

Low point: Entering rehab at age 14, having already snorted cocaine.

Mischa Barton, actress

How drunk: Problematically.

Latest: Pled no contest to drunk driving charges dating to December, got three years probation and mandatory alcohol-education classes.

Outlook: Decent. Has largely avoided the tabloids save for the December incident. Recently declined to join the case of Gossip Girl to work on another project, so apparently staying (soberly) busy.

Low point: Puked in the street last year while partying with celebrity friends Kirsten Dunst and Jamie-Lynn Sigler.

Kirsten Dunst, actress

How drunk: Not? Rehabbed and hopefully not backsliding, despite that one rumor.

Latest: Dragged All Good Things co-star and rumored boyfriend Ryan Gosling to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, a recovery no-no. Is fresh out of two-month rehab stint in April.

Outlook: Decent chance of a relapse. She's 26 with no kids or long term relationship, and with one hell of a track record.

Low point: When so many anonymous tipsters emailed us about her getting drunk around New York that we had to run a special report.

Scott Weiland, singer

How drunk: Problematically.

Latest : The bipolar Stone Temple Pilots frontman served a 10-hour prison term earlier this month for a November drunk driving incident, his second in five years.

Outlook: Worrisome. With a wife of eight years and two children, hopefully the drunk driving incident was just a rocker's aberration, but it was his second in five years.

Low point: A two-month drug binge with Courtney Love in a hotel in 1998. Runners-up: Convicted of buying crack in 1995 and of driving drunk in 2003.

Eva Mendes, actress

How drunk: Menacingly, but supposedly all better.

Latest: Checked herself into the Cirque Lodge rehab facility in Utah in January to "privately attend to some personal issues."

Outlook: Bad. Has taken a movie role playing a Spanish drug lord in Queen of the South. This could mean the rehab stint was just method acting; more likely the drug lord role will do to Mendes what Less Than Zero did to Robert Downey Jr.

Low point: The recent rehab. No history of erratic behavior, unless you count posing topless in Italian Vogue.

Sean Young, actress

How drunk: Freshly rehabbed as of February.

Latest: Completed a sting in rehab earlier this year after being ejected from a Hollywood awards ceremony for bad behavior.

Outlook: Poor, due to a history of emotional volatility and bizarre behavior. According to Wikipedia, her role in Wall Street was reduced due to fights with Oliver Stone; she was sued by actor James Woods for harassment; she unsuccessfully tried to win a role on Batman Returns by confronting the director in a homemade Catwoman costume; she was fired from the movie Dick Tracy. Her last marriage ended in 2002.

Low point: Heckled director Julian Schnabel during his speech at the Director's Guild of America awards in January. Believed to be intoxicated, she was escorted out.

Justin Chambers, actor and former model

How drunk: Not. Finally getting rested after a recent hospital stay.

Latest: Checked himself into UCLA Medical Center with what he said was a sleep disorder. But after his discharge, was spotted passing out and acting bizarrely at the Village Pub in Palm Springs.

Outlook: Good, if you make the difficult assumption he's telling the truth about his sleep disorder and that reports he was only drinking non-alcoholic beer at the pub are true.

Low point: The Village Pub incident.

Miley Cyrus, singer and actress

How drunk: At 15, has possibly never been drunk. Then again, maybe there is something to these pictures of her stumbling out of a club in Hollywood.

Latest: Her scandalous, topless-except-for-a-sheet photo spread in Vanity Fair, obviously. Also, she keeps emailing underwear pictures to her boyfriend, which somehow end up online. None of which indicates she is on a path toward drinking or addiction, just that she is growing up and clearly ready to move beyond her goody-goody image on the TV show Hannah Montana.

Outlook: Very good. But the relentless pressure from Disney to never grow up could finally make her snap.

Low point: Vanity Fair incident.

Kate Moss, model

How drunk: Modestly, and only via booze. Yay!

Latest: On the one hand, she's reportedly engaged to be married, practicing yoga and tending to her fashion line. On the other, she looked scary and strung out in the last of these February pictures, and sometimes will randomly go without underwear. In March, she had a "boozy lunch" in Paris and then licked her boyfriend's neck.

Outlook: Good. She's avoided any public cocaine relapses over the past three years, though clearly drinks sometimes. She should be further grounded by continuing to raise her daughter, six, and by a reported engagement to guitarist Jamie Hince.

Low point: In 2005, was famously photographed by British tabloid the Daily Mirror snorting cocaine at a recording session for Babyshambles, band of her junkie boyfriend Pete Doherty. She was subsequently dropped by both Chanel and Burberry and entered rehab.

Courtney Love, singer

How drunk: Epically.

Latest: Despite recently handing out sobriety advice to Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears and declaring herself rehabbed, Love was spotted in London this spring looking drunk and carrying copious prescription drugs, which she has abused in the past.

Outlook: Poor. Love insists she's reformed but somehow few people are convinced.

Low point: So many to choose from! Probably the time she thought she was going to die so her hangers-on, according to Love, stole $20 million.

Lindsay Lohan, actress (at one point, apparently)

How drunk: Constantly, visibly and criminally.

Latest: Accused of stealing someone else's fur coat from a nightclub. Also recent: getting plastered with her girlfriend at Hawaiian Tropic Club, falling limply while trying to get into a car outside a Hollywood.

Outlook: Surprisingly pretty good. She's getting good report cards on the set of her new movie, and is a newly minted femme lesbian.

Low point: When walking medicine cabinet Courtney Love told her she really needed to shape up. Also: five car incidents in three years, including one where she was alleged to have been chasing someone in her car while drunk.

Naomi Campbell, abusive supermodel

How drunk: Unconvincingly reformed.

Latest: Campbell is trying to redeem herself following a spitting, racial-epithet-hurling attack on police at Heathrow airport. She bought coffee for cast members of TV show Ugly Betty and smiled at Heathrow police.

Outlook: Poor. Campbell has falsely claimed to be reformed in the past. In 2006, Campbell told W magazine, "Some people can handle a drink or a line of cocaine, but I’ve finally come to realize that, for me, it’s all or nothing — and it has to be nothing." She was later photographed drinking wine at dinner.

Low point: In 2006, after being arrested for her latest cell-phone beating of the help, she was forced to scrub toilets as part of a community service sentence. She claimed the experience was sobering before moving on to further meltdowns.

Pat O'Brien, TV host

How drunk: Freshly rehabbed, working again — for the second time.

Latest: Entered rehab in February (his last rehab had been in 2005). Despite speculation to the contrary, he returned to his hosting gig on The Insider.

Outlook: Weak, since he has relapsed once before.

Low point: A drunken, horny voice mail left prior to his most recent rehab stint.

Paris Hilton, attention-mad socialite

How drunk: Very, but in a totally older, more responsible way.

Latest: Hilton now says she's become more domestic, staying home (heavens!) some nights and even cooking dinner for serious boyfriend and rocker Benji Madden. She's taken to wearing a diamond ring on her wedding ring finger and reportedly even talks of children.

Outlook: Precarious. Marriage and increased sobriety are possible; more likely is a breakup and total Hilton meltdown. The starlet has failed at reform before: The Times in March reminded everyone that Hilton still had not taken a charity trip to Rwanda or set up a transitional home for women, as promised on Larry King Live following a jail term.

Low point: Was sent to jail for repeatedly driving on a license suspended in connection with a drunk driving conviction. Runner up: When her cat was reclaimed for alleged neglectful treatment.

Nicole Richie, actress, fashion plate

How drunk: Minimally.

Latest: Richie gave birth in January and subsequently said her daughter and relationship to boyfriend Benji Madden, the girl's father, gave her life new meaning and helped her "move on" from her wilder days. Richie's friend Paris Hilton is said to be hoping for a similarly grounding relationship with her boyfriend, Benji Madden, brother to Joel.

Outlook: Decent. Richie raised $1 million by selling pictures of her baby, and her dad Lionel is rich, so she's well funded to either raise a family or have a Britney Spears-style post-baby meltdown. She's 26 so the chance of the latter is not insignificant. But there are no immediate warning signs.

Low point: In 2003, was arrested for possession of heroin. Runner-up: Becoming dramatically thing after a falling out with party buddy Paris Hilton and a brief jail sentence on drunk driving charges.

Britney Spears, wayward singer

How drunk: Only on Frappuccinos (this month).

Latest development: Spears is back in the recording studio, has appeared in repeated successful TV cameos and gained new visitation rights with her two sons after a court commissioner said he was "extremely impressed" with her progress.

Outlook: Good, for now. With her father in control of her money and many aspects of her life, Spears is unlikely to backslide anytime soon, particularly given how much she wants to regain custody of her kids. The question is whether she'll be able to stay sober once she has her kids back and is in full control of her bank account.

Low point: Flashing her vag to paparazzi in 2006 while clubbing with Paris Hilton. Runners up: Her two psych-ward stays this year; brief, recent relationships with scuzzballs Adnan Ghalib and Sam Lutfi; shaving her head and bashing a car with an umbrella.

Robert Downey, Jr., actor

How drunk: Stone cold sober.

Latest: Downey's film Iron Man has been a critical and financial success, with Downey now expected to take part in sequels. He appears in blackface in the forthcoming comedy Tropic Thunder with Ben Stiller

Outlook: No reason to think he's anything but clean and sober from here on out. Unless you've heard something. What, have you heard something??

Low point: In 2000-2001, when a series of arrests saw him kicked off the hit TV show Ally McBeal. Struggled with drug abuse throughout the 1990s, and eventually served at least a year and a half in jail and several years on probation and in drug treatment.

boomp3.com



Why's everybody staring at me? They can't see my swimsuit area, right? No, we did the test before I left for the thing. Seriously, it's really bugging me. We only did one check though with Cory's digital camera and her flash isn't that strong, but we checked and the dress still didn't show anything. I want a burrito, but not like Chipotle, but like a real burrito. I don't understand why people are still staring at me? Haven't they taken my picture enough times yet? Is there something in my teeth? Maybe that's why. Hide your teeth, girl! I don't want a burrito anymore. I think I want sushi. Sushi Dan's! Sushi! Sushi! Sushi! Rad! They're done taking my photo and I can finally be a person. Oh wait, they're still staring at me.

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

Mischa, however, is not: "Mischa thought the film was awful and didn't want to be involved in the project," the Daily Mail reports, "And I'm told that the OC star was still on the Riviera, quaffing champagne while her film premiered. When asked why she wasn't at the premiere, Mischa snapped: 'I was never due to go.' So, why were you in Cannes, Mischa?" Well, nosey Daily Mail, if you must know—avoiding hotel balconies and beating up pool furniture, for starters.

• Mischa Barton parties in Cannes but snubs premiere of her 'awful' new movie [Daily Mail via Idolator]
• Cannes Posters Part II: Butler's 'Law Abiding Citizen,' Boyle's 'Slumdog Millionaire,' Barton's 'You And I,' More [MTV]

Call it a magic moment, call it a completely forced photo opp, but the Cruises and Beckhams did briefly pose on the carpet before entering the Gala. And though Victoria certainly didn't look happy about it, her nipples sure did.

Amidst the sea of designer gowns, we thought Eva Longoria's dramatic ruffle-adorned number was most impressive. Busy and over the top maybe, but her petite little body suddenly looked voluptuous and the midnight purple color was the perfect choice.

Thandie Newton usually kills on the carpet, so we were baffled to see her in this very Madonna circa 1995 S&M lingerie-esque ensemble. And poor Mischa Barton, possibly still smarting from those unflattering balcony bikini pictures, chose a shapeless dress that was boring on the bottom, modern Bride of Frankenstein on the top.

[Photo credits: Getty, Wireimage, Daily Mail]

• TOMKAT AND THE BECKHAMS TURN ON SOME OLD-FASHIONED GLAMOUR - BUT WAS IT TOO OLD FOR POSH? [Daily Mail]