Magnolia co-star Julianne Moore told Tim Robbins, a red-eyed Oliver Stone and Hollywood bigs like Terry Semel, Bob Shaye, Ron Meyer, Bert Fields and Kevin Huvane that 'I ate lunch with Tom one day on the set - he eats from catering, which stars at that level never do - and my baby-sitter was so frozen in awe of him that she couldn't even bother to pick up my baby.

But Tom could. And did.

The rest, of course, is history: Cruise, too quick for the shoot's slow-footed security guards, bolted from the set with the infant, stored it in his compound's custom-built suspended-animation chamber for the next seven years, then eventually reintroduced the child to the world as his own on the cover of Vanity Fair. Though the proud father must spend a considerable amount of effort obscuring the girl's true parentage by dying her telltale red mane black and covering her freckles in heavy makeup, he's never regretted the once-impulsive decision to start his own "biological" family.

• No Scientology bashing at Tom Cruise roast [Rush & Molly]

Additionally, Holmes, 29, and Cruise, 45, have a hard time saying no to Suri. But it's not simply because they're pushovers.

"It's all about being positive and supportive," says the couple's friend (Hubbard advised parents to "try to be the child's friend.") As for discipline, one former church member tells Us that Scientologists do not scold their children, but instead explain that bad behavior (like throwing a toy) is the "wrong action." (A Scientology rep tells Us, "How a parent disciplines their child is left up to the parent.")

Cruise and Holmes, says their pal, are very lenient and do not like to give Suri too many rules: "Suri pretty much does whatever she wants, whenever she wants. If she fusses before bed, they let her stay up later. If they want her to go swimming and she cries, they'll take her out. If she whines about food, they'll ask her what else she wants to eat. They always want to please her."

Of course, this understandable leniency is counterbalanced by the constant presence of the two Scientology-approved nannies assigned by the Celebrity Centre to ensure that Suri continues progressing along the Bridge to Preschool Obedience. For example, each time the precocious child takes the brightly colored toy saw from her Fisher Price tool set and pretends to cut through the chain on her mommy's ankle-shackle, a minder is always close by to gently admonish her that she's engaging in a "wrong action," even though Holmes' natural maternal instinct is to let her daughter do as she pleases.

• Suri's Upbringing: Scientology Means Tom and Katie Don't Say 'No' [Us Weekly]

The celebration of young Suri's first year will take place in Shreveport, Louisiana, where Holmes is making a token attempt at reviving the acting career she put on hold to better attend to her daily war-bride responsibilities, and should be a fairly restrained affair exclusively for close friends and Holmes' new castmates: In the interest of keeping the joyous occasion simple, Suri's proud parents have rented out a specially soundproofed back room at a local Chuck E. Cheese for their daughter's first Silent Birthday party, where guests will noiselessly mouth the lyrics (helpfully printed on large signs adorning the venue's walls) to Scientology's surprisingly catchy, proprietary "One Year Down, Nine-Hundred And Ninety-Nine Million, Nine-Hundred and Ninety-Nine Thousand, Nine-Hundred and Ninety-Nine Years Of Service To Go!" birthday song, then offer a vigorous round of one-hand claps once Cruise assists the toddler in quietly extinguishing the single candle atop her cake.

• Complete Miracle Baby Coverage [Defamer]

TMZ has learned that a TomKat confidante went to trendy West Hollywood baby boutique Petit Tresor last week, looking for four "scenarios" for a boy's nursery. The TomKat friend was overheard saying, "We want to be prepared for a baby boy." We're told the interested themes for the room were: sports, nursery rhyme, cartoon and the color blue.

The estimated cost for the eggshell blue-themed room alone is $45,000 — and would include a custom-made blue and white antique crib, blue bedding and blue walls with floating clouds. The shop was also given a deadline of April 15, three days before Suri's first birthday, to come up with the designs.

The implementation of one of the four approved "scenarios" discussed for the chamber is crucial to the potential new child's development; Cruise's genetic technicians, still disappointed by the 50-Foot Suri and Asian Suri debacles that resulted from their earlier trial-and-error baby-fabrication experiments, are hoping that carefully engineering the incubating environment to include soothing, male-specific themes and colors might somehow prevent some of the unexpected mutations that marred their earlier efforts.

• Is TomKat Getting Suri a Little Brother? [TMZ]
• Previously: Set Of Katie Holmes' New Movie To Enjoy 'Take Your Controlling Spouse To Work' Month [Defamer]

· Please take a few minutes to allow a tag team of the Fonz and Henry Winkler (how'd they do that?) educate you about sexual abuse. You might think you're too old to benefit, but if nothing else, maybe your inner child will be saved from a scarring encounter with your inner handsy uncle. [via Fast Hugs]
· Jake Gyllenhaal's personal secrets to becoming famous, revealed!
· Please, we beg of you, don't view this video of the Clippers' Shaun Livingston injuring his knee. Trust us, don't watch it. Just don't. We're not kidding. Go watch some moose ball instead.
· The Big Pussy jokes really do write themselves.
· Suri Cruise is not only real, but really cute! Also, it took Tom's genetic engineers about forty tries before they produced a clone that could do that adorable pointing thing with the left index finger.

Video of the ad follows after the jump, allowing you to form your own opinions about the amazing resemblance. ("Suri" is the second baby shown.)

• Clean Air [YouTube]

With so many different creatures from the mothership from which to choose, it could take forever for little Suri Cruise's Church-sanctioned OT-IV to select a Halloween costume that befits the blossoming seed of Scientology's future. So the folks at Heavy.com — who so recently helped us piss away a work day turning Mel Gibson into a Pope-hatted leather daddy — have provided us all a way to warm the cockles of our sooty hearts by playing Xenu with her wardrobe. Personally [Ed.note—Personally!], we enjoyed decking Suri out in Alf's full-body fur, Marvin the Martian's tutu, ET's finger, and a conehead — our tone scale shot clear up to the 35-and-over levels thinking about how adorable she's going to look when Katie Holmes and twenty-five handlers (opting not to change out of their usual sailor costumes—such killjoys) take her door-to-door at the Celebrity Centre to collect delicious, Hubbard-approved treats.

• DRESS-UP SURI [HEAVY.COM]

1) CoCo Riley Arquette... daughter of power-producing couple David and Courteney Cox-Arquette. CoCo's costume needs: a tutu, preferably a pink one, a "magic" wand, a pretty princess tiara, which can be worn over toddler styled leggings (pants) and a screen t-shirt (to jazz it up it can have a cute saying like "Princess" or "Daddy's Girl") [... ]

Parents Choice: Your options are really open with CoCo's family. You can dress as Courteney, whose chic style resembles her popular role as Monica Geller on Friends , or you can dress as David, where really anything goes. He prefers suits pieces that don't match and an out of place hat every now and then. Go wild!

1) Lindsay Lohan, wildchild and sometime-Firecrotch daughter of willfully incompetent wannabe MILF Dina Lohan. For Linds, it doesn't matter what hair color you choose — she's had them all — as long as your wig is overprocessed and lank. Yank on a pair of too-small leggings paired with giant boots, a ratty black tee, and leggings. Take foundation that's two shades too dark and smear it on your face in uneven streaks, guzzle a Red Bull, take a nasal hit of laundry detergent (or the nearest powdery white substance) to simulate her pupils, and then be sure to bump into a few walls. Paint your nails black, bite half the polish off, and then flip off the party hosts while spending 40 percent of the night in their bathroom, for that added dose of authenticity,

Parents' Choice: See above, with more cleavage, a tawny wig, and fake teeth.

2) Suri Cruise, spawn of Katie Holmes and, depending on what you read, Tom Cruise, Chris Klein, or L. Ron Hubbard. This one's easy — you do nothing and stay home.

Parents' choice: Big glasses, a pasted-on robotic smile, unbrushed hair, and jeans. The best part: the look works for either official parent.

3) Dorothy Zbornak, daughter of tiny Sicilian firecracker Sophia Petrillo. The gloriously tart goddess of her split-level Miami kingdom rules the roost in either long skirts or flowing trousers paired with colorful sweaters and blazers that — and this is key — use more fabric in the sleeves alone than in the entire rest of the garment. Pair this with a pair of flat sandals, preferably in clear plastic, and be sure to wear some red lipstick on that scowl.

Parents' Choice: Sophia is synonymous with thick bi-focals on a chain and her signature mop of white curls — think Little Octagenarian Annie. She wore clothes, but we remember her best shuffling through the house in a billowy nightgown with those tight Isotoner slippers. Have that wicker handbag nearby and begin every other sentence with, "Picture it: Sicily, 1932." Bring a cheesecake.

• HALLOWEEN COSTUMES BASED ON YOUR FAVORITE CELEBRITY'S KIDS AND THEIR PARENTS [CELEBRITY BABY BLOG]

• Outrage as US baby wig craze hits Britain [Daily Mail UK via Drudge]
• Baby Toupee [BabyToupee.com]
• Previously: Hollywood TrendWatch: Baby Toupees In Again At Celebrity Centre Day Care [Defamer]

· A trio of Vanity Fair alternate covers, in Dennehy, Grey, and Cracked Etch-A-Sketch flavors.
· Michael Lohan had to use his estimable powers of prison yard persuasion to get his fellow inmates to stop jerking off to pictures of his daughter. He's probably not going to be too happy when one of them gets his hands on these.
· The stingray finally apologizes for robbing the world of the Crocodile Hunter.
· Nikki Finke notes that Amy Pascal was supposed to get that fancy promotion a year ago, and that Sumner Redstone is pretty sure he's not going anywhere for another 20 to 30 years.
· Little panda sneeze!

This morning (seems like days ago now, doesn't it?), Vanity Fair editor Jane Sarkin, the brave soul who spent five days deep inside the Cruise compound without the benefit of a Graydon Carter-supplied armed detail, talked to infamously glib Tom tormentor Matt Lauer about her experience in getting the coveted puff piece story on the Today Show. We'll spare you a transcription of the proceedings, which you can effortlessly watch in the space above these words, but we'll point out that Sarkin claims to have met 15 (!) members of the Holmes clan during her visit, none of whom made even a token attempt to chew though their bonds and escape into the nearby canyons. If nothing else, baby Suri certainly seems to have brought a new sense of peace to the Cruise household.

• Complete, Utterly Exhausting Suri Cruise Coverage [Defamer]

• Who's Suri Cruise's real daddy? [Popular Thinking]
• SNL: Baby Toupee [Danwho.net]

"I was overjoyed in being pregnant," Holmes tells Sarkin, "and then had to withstand ridicule about my pregnancy when it was the most normal, non-controversial thing imaginable." Of speculation in the press, Holmes says, "All those things were invented." [...]

"The moment the doctor handed me Suri," Holmes tells Sarkin, "I was just ready. The feeling is indescribable. All I can say is the moment I looked in her eyes I felt like ... Mom." Holmes continues: "She's a glorious girl. She's the miracle of our life."

We suppose that Holmes' sudden, relative verbosity could be due to the relief that her words would be recorded for sympathetic publication in a national magazine, instead of placed in a file to be used against her each time she expressed reluctance at undergoing yet another DNA-irrigation session in her finac 's dangerously experimental Level-VII Wombinator.

• Vanity Fair Exclusive: Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise Talk About Baby Suri; 22-Page Family Portfolio by Annie Leibovitz [VF.com]
• Previously: Katie Holmes Still Amazed, Excited, Thrilled [Defamer]

Upon a cursory first glance at Annie Leibovitz's Vanity Fair photos of the Cruise family, we initially believed the couple's puzzling decision to be photographed with both Asian and Causcasian babies was either rooted in Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' inability to resolve a spat about their individual infant-rental preferences, or, at worst, a regrettable continuity error that should have been corrected somewhere in the editing process. But after viewing this image spanning pages 284 and 285 of the new VF issue, we now think we're starting to understand their creative vision: Suri Cruise is not just Tom and Katie's fake baby, she's the entire world's fake baby. She is their long-delayed gift to us all; regardless of our color, creed, or nationality, there is a Suri for everyone.

• Vanity Fair Exclusive: Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise Talk About Baby Suri; 22-Page Family Portfolio by Annie Leibovitz [VF]
• Previously: SuriWatch: First Images Of The Miracle Baby Shown On CBS News [Defamer]

While we correctly anticipated the inexplicable appearance of an Asian baby in our mock-up of the Vanity Fair photos of The Family Cruise, we clearly missed the mark on which iconic image of a Beatle Annie Leibovitz would reference in her Suri spread. We apologize for this unfortunate blind-spot in our predictive powers.

• Vanity Fair Exclusive: Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise Talk About Baby Suri; 22-Page Family Portfolio by Annie Leibovitz [Vanity Fair]
• Previously: SuriWatch: First Images Of The Miracle Baby Shown On CBS News [Defamer]

To celebrate Katie Couric's first night on the job at the CBS Evening News, her new bosses arranged for her to present a sneak preview of the long-awaited, heavily guarded first photographs of suspiciously unseen celebrity infant Suri Cruise. The internets, of course, were already hard at work reproducing the images, which won't be officially available until Vanity Fair hits the streets tomorrow, posting stills and video of the pictures shown on the Couric broadcast minutes ahead of CBS's sanctioned stories.

We're sure that high-quality scans of the photos will be widely available tomorrow, but based on the glimpses afforded by CBS, we have to say that we're more than a little disappointed. After months of preparation for the shoot meant to finally provide indisputable evidence of the child's existence, you'd think that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes would have been able to finally settle on a single loaner "Suri" for the spread, instead of Katie stubbornly insisting that her favorite Asian infant rental be photographed along with the more believeable Caucausian one, an unfortunate decision that will surely touch off months of a two-baby conspiracy theory.

[Photos: Vanity Fair/CBS News]

• Suri Cruise Revealed by Katie Couric [Us Weekly]
• Suri Cruise Vanity Fair Photos Unveiled by Katie Couric [What I'm Watching]

"He came over to my house, and he gave me a heartfelt apology," Shields said Friday during an appearance on "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno." "And he apologized for bringing me into the whole thing and for everything that happened.

"And through it all, I was so impressed with how heartfelt it was. And I didn't feel at any time that I had to defend myself, nor did I feel that he was trying to convince me of anything other than the fact that he was deeply sorry. And I accepted it."

Once she accepted the apology, however, things became newly awkward when a nanny carrying Shields' infant daughter Grier happened by the reconciling friends, and Cruise, taking the baby in his arms, intimated that things "weren't really working out with the Suri unit," and that he was "in the market for a normal-sized one who might photograph a little better." But once Shields snatched back her daughter and assured the star that she wasn't for sale, Cruise quickly bid her goodbye, muttering, "I bet that's the Zoloft talking," as he headed for the door, undoing much of the good will he'd intended to generate.

• Shields: Cruise made 'heartfelt apology [AP]

We hear from a pretty well placed source that Graydon Carter is going to extremely great lengths to protect his Suri photos. Even placing armed guards outside the printer, and forcing everyone who works there to sign a confidentiality agreement that they won't let a single Suri pic slip before the cover hits stands.

Perhaps when Carter is apprised of yesterday's unexpected unveiling of Suri's bronzed poop, a proof of the baby's existence just as valid as any elaborately staged photographs of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes cradling the prop-baby they rented for the Vanity Fair shoot, he'll realize he's already been beaten to the publicity-attracting punch and decide to save the magazine some money on live ammunition.

• Graydon Carter Hires Armed Guards to Protect His Suri Cruise Cover [Jossip]

Daniel Edwards, the pop-culture-obsession skewering/exploiting artist behind the sculpted representation of a crowning Sean Preston Spears that inflicted emotional wounds that might never fully heal, has unveiled his greatest achievement yet: Beating Tom Cruise's suspiciously delayed, baby-related product to market with a bronzed version of Suri's "first poop" that will be simultaneously auctioned for charity on eBay and displayed under glass in a Brooklyn art gallery, which he claims finally proves both the possibly imaginary offspring's existence and its health. Unfortunately, neither the image nor the press release reveals the dimensions of the petrified diaper-snake, leaving us to wonder if it was constructed to a scale that would properly reflect the waste produced by a mutant, 50-foot-tall infant.

• Daniel Edwards SURI CRUISE'S BABY POOP BRONZED FOR CHARITY [Capla Kesting Fine Art]
• SURI CRUISE'S BRONZED BABY POOP [eBay]
• The Excremental Suri [E!]