1.) Toes
Tyra had guests this week who get fake toenails put on.

And there were these idiots, who pay $65 a session to have their toes read.

2.) Mariah
She made the talk show rounds. She stumbled on Leno.

Then she went on Larry King Live, where she blinged out his logo.

And then smelled her tits.

Also, Larry serenaded her.

3.) "Where are you?"
Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew premiered this week. One of its cast members, Nicole Narain, was on The Joy Behar Show, where she answered Joy's question a little too literally.

4.) What happens when you slouch in Judge Judy's court.

5.) Cougars
The Insider is taking this taking this cougar thing way too far. Although, I do like the little glimpses of Wasilla townies we get.

Niecy Nash is now literally referred to as "the resident cougar," and for the past two weeks, she's been going on dates with younger men.

Is this supposed to be sexy? Chest stubble and exaggerated nipples?

It reminds me of when Homer got plastic surgery so that Marge wouldn't leave him for a younger man.

And his nipples cried.

6.) Heather from Rock of Love on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
She played a hooker.

7.) Why did Sandals have to ruin a perfectly lovely song?

8.) Jon Gosselin implied that he's on the same professional level as Mary Hart.
And she didn't like it.

9.) Kirstie Alley on her coke days.

10.) Michelle Obama is fun.

Life & Style
"Trista & Ryan's New Baby."
Margaret refused to read the cover story, so we won't talk about that. Also inside: A piece called "Brad And Jen Get Close Again" is about Brad visiting a hotel downtown (for a photoshoot), which was super close to the hotel where Jen is staying while shooting The Baster. In the end, they didn't meet up, though. The magazine also alleges that Jennifer Aniston is "dressing like" Angelina Jolie because — GASP — she wore a high ponytail [Fig. 1]. What else? Cameron Diaz will never settle down because a psychologist who does not treat her says "she represents women who recognize that maybe they're not going one partner for a lifetime, and that should be okay." A sidebar about Cammie is titled, "Her Long-Term Loves Never Last." Wait, if they were long-term, how did they not last? Also, Cam gets compared to George Clooney. Rihanna is dating again; the mag links her to three different guys. Ooh, look: A grade-school picture of Michelle Obama [Fig. 2]!
Grade: F (raw, poisonous cashews)

Ok!
"Secrets From The Set"
Here's the "secret": Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and some other New Moon peeps went back to the hotel and jammed on guitars and harmonica. This mag also has a quiz: "Who Is Your New Moon Soulmate?" Also inside: Britney's kids will be able to go with her on the European leg of her tour. There's a glittery pic of American Idol's Adam "Glambert" Lambert [Fig. 3], who says, "I have nothing to hide."
Grade: F (burned chestnuts)

Us
"Affair With Teacher."
Jon Gosselin of Jon & Kate Plus 8 is having an affair with an elementary school teacher named Deanna Hummel, says her brother, Jason Hummel (and five other sources). Jason tell the mag that the two have been dating for three months and "spend tons of time together." Jon only slept over once, but the two would be gone all weekend sometimes. Quoth Jason: "How do I say this? The walls are thin, let's just say that. I mean, no one wants to hear his sister having sex. Let alone with a married dude who's like almost twice her age and who has 8 kids and a maybe-crazy wife." There are pix of Deanna sunbathing at Jon's house in a bikini. And apparently there is video of Jon leaving Deanna's house at 7:30 in the morning. Jason says, "Either Jon didn't care about keeping it a secret or he's the world's dumbest man. He would come over and park one of his three cars right across the street… Dude, when you're sleeping with a woman who's not your wife and TV cameras follow you everywhere, you better keep that quiet. I just think he's such a fucking moron." By the by, Jason used to be a drug dealer.
Grade: C (shelled walnuts)

In Touch
"Jen & Brad Together Again!"
Brad and Jen have been talking frequently on the phone and texting each other, says the mag, and their conversations are "becoming longer and more personal as he confides in her about his current situation." See, apparently the atmosphere at Brad's house is "cold" and his relationship with Angie is falling apart, so Brad is using Jen as a shoulder to cry on. And here's what happened: After Brad visited Angelina on the set of Salt, he drove across town to where Jen's film The Baster was in production. THE PAIR QUIETLY MET FACE TO FACE. "He pulled up in his black SUV," says a source, although Jen's rep denies it. "Jen snuck into his car. They drove around New York City together, talking." And! Jen gave Brad a gold necklace for his birthday in December (???) and he's been wearing it "almost constantly." Dr. Gilda Carle, who does not treat either star, says: "He's letting Jen know that he's available to her, and emotionally involved with her on some level." And that pink braided necklace he's wearing on the cover? Made by Shiloh. Then there's a box titled, "Watch Out, Angelina, Jen's Caught Up To You!" which explains: "If you count all of her movie and television roles, Jennifer has given birth to six children." But! If you count all of Angelina's roles, she is a crazy person and a tomb raider. So. Moving on. Salma Hayek's honeymoon took place on a private island off the coast of Africa where there are only 11 guest bungalows, and yet there are eight extremely intimate kissy beach pix in the mag. Someone was hiding on a boat! Hey, did you know that the surrogate twins are saving Sarah Jessica Parker's marriage? SJP's friends say the twins are just "Band-Aid babies" to keep the couple together. Johnny Depp is a "real life pirate" because he and his family are living on a boat in Puerto Rico; the vessel is called VaJoLiRoJa, which comes from combining the first letters of each family member's name. Raise your hand if you want to live on a boat with Johnny Depp. In the middle of all this celebrity coverage there are two pages on Swine Flu. Hmm. Weird. Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal have been hanging out at her farm 90 miles away from L.A.; a witness saw them at the farmer's market: "They were buying tangerines, holding hands and looked madly in love." Lastly: Is Violet Affleck the new Suri [Fig. 4]?
Grade: C+ (almonds)

Star
"Pregnant Angie's Secrets & Lies!"
Here is the first line of this story: "Angelina Jolie is a jealous, cunning liar who cheated on Brad with a famous rock star, schemed to lure him away from Jennifer Aniston — and even slept with her own mother's boyfriend!" These are the allegations in Andrew Morton's new book. He says she was in an L.A. mental institution in 2000, and hours after her release, she married Billy Bob Thornton. She was so obsessed with him, she threatened to kill herself if he didn't marry her. She was always asking her boyfriends if she could taste their blood. She had a "brief but steamy" affair with a guy her mom knew — who was attached and 20 years older — and she seduced him. She also seduced her mom's boyfriend after her mom had a fight with the guy, but then confessed to her mom and promised to never do it again. An insider says, "I'm told she was pregnant two or three times. She was careless and wasn't ready to be a mom." The insider adds that Angie has always felt regret about those babies she didn't have, which could be why she's determined to have a huge family. Sigh. Angie doesn't want her girls to know about her multiple boob jobs — she had them enlarged before Tomb Raider but reduced afterwards. And! Guess what? Salt will come out at the same time as The Baster. Oh, and the rock star Angelina had sex with "half a dozen" times? Blonde and female. They did it on the beach in Malibu. They were linked summer 2007 to September 2008. We can't guess who it is! Moving on: Halle Berry "bump alert." [Fig. 5] Calista Flockhart and Harrison Ford are trying to adopt a little girl. Blind item: "What funnyman's career might be flagging due to his dependence on downers? After a disastrous comedy set in NYC, he admitted he's hooked on Vicodin. Deadly serious." Jennifer Aniston had the staff of the Greenwich Hotel shut down the pool area so she could go skinny dipping, which is what she does to relax. Katie Holmes has been secretly smoking: A staff member spilled the beans to Tom Cruise, who confronted her. Turns out she's been puffing on and off for a while and is afraid to quit because she'll get fat. Sarah Jessica Parker's surrogate's ex-husband talked to Star and says "Michelle has kids for other people but she hardly ever sees her own son." She also has a tattoo of "the international symbol of bisexuality." Robert Pattinson went to a strip club in Vancouver and got a lap dance from a lady named Kendra, who says he was "Actually kind of shy and not a great tipper." He returned two days later, and asked for Kendra, but she wasn't working, so he left. Sean Penn and Natalie Portman are seeing each other, and their "encounter" was the reason Robin Wright wanted a divorce. Again. "Friends" are suggesting that John Travolta and Kelly Preston adopt a kid to deal with the grief of losing Jett. A "local" says of Jon & Kate Plus 8: "I heard Kate was getting way too close with her personal trainer, so Jon started cheating." Lastly: "Hollywood Prom Night" includes lots of celebs' old pictures — and old noses — and a snap of Verne Troyer, who was Homecoming King [Fig. 6].
Grade: B- (creamy peanut butter)

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Ok!
"Idol Wars."
This incredibly boring story about how maybe Kara DioGuardi and Paula Abdul may not get along contains the following quote: "During breaks, Simon, Randy and Paula would leave the table to talk to the crowd or get food, leaving Kara to swivel in her chair," an onlooker tells Ok!. "Kara was the odd man out." Sniff! Moving on: If you looove Robert Pattinson, there are some pictures of him inside. Also inside: Neighbors overheard Lindsay Lohan in her house, yelling: "Mom, stop it! Enough! Quit it!" Apparently Dina was trying to get Lindsay to go to rehab. Next: Since Brad Pitt drives his kids to school now, moms on Long Island are getting dressed up! "They usually wear sweatpants, but now they're all decked out," a source says. Lastly, Marie Osmond says: "I'm the original Octomom!"
Grade: F (fire ants)

Life & Style
"Twilight Heartbreak."
The mag claims that Robert Pattinson has been hooking up with costar Nikki Reed. A source says: "Rob's been flirting with everyone on set, in front of Nikki, even though they've been sleeping together." But! "He can get any girl on set except Kristen [Stewart]." Anyway, Rob and Nikki have been fighting on set and OMG DRAMZ. Oh, look, a "poor Jennifer Aniston" story! This one is called "Jen's Struggle With Aging" and says: "She's having a problem with the fact that her character [in The Baster] who is trying to pregnant ages from 40 to 48 in the movie. 'She keeps saying it's not believable because she looks much younger,' says the insider. 'She asked the make-up artist what high-tech effects they're going to use to age her, and she was disappointed to learn there aren't any.'" Sad! Nadya Suleman says "I only slept 2 hours last night," and a doctor who does not treat her says, "Most people need between six and eight hours of sleep in some form." Really? You don't say! The Kardashians have a "dream house" now because their other house was too small or something. "The other house just felt so crowded," Kendall Kardashian says. The new mansion has six bedrooms and eight baths. This week in Dr. Rey's Casebook, it's "Who Has The Best Butt In Hollywood." [Fig. 1] The doctor says, "Most people would need a surgical solution like butt implants to achieve Beyoncé's look." Also, Mischa Barton would look better with AnnaLynne McCord's ass. There's an interview with Gwyneth and Madonna's trainer, Tracy Anderson, who says: "Anyone can have a teeny-tiny body." She may feel this way because she is five feet tall and 91 lbs. What if you are six feet or have different genetics, hmm?
Grade: D- (bed bugs)

In Touch
"How We Keep Our Love Alive."
There's nothing new in this cover story — lots of stuff about Barack and Michelle's exes, and the quotes come from Ladies Home Journal, O: The Oprah Magazine and Essence. But one awesome thing is this prom picture of Michelle [Fig 2]. Moving on: The mag uses a quote from Scarlett Johansson's Huffington Post rant against how tabloids comment on her weight as a diet tip. Breaking: Brad and Angelina haven't been seen together in 48 days! Uh-oh, Britney's man, backup dancer Chase Benz, has a girlfriend. Chase's mom talked to the mag from her home in Tennessee, saying: "He has a girlfriend that lives here in Tennessee. They've been dating for three years. She is 21 like Chase. And she is beautiful on the inside as well as the outside… Britney is a pretty girl but his girlfriend has nothing to worry about." Guess who is getting half of Mel Gibson's $900 million estate? His wife! There's no pre-nup… A story called "It's Baby Time!" claims that Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry might adopt and Heidi Klum is four months pregnant. Next up: When Lindsay Lohan was out partying recently, she asked her friends to call her "Eleanor." But she denies this. Lisa Rinna on posing for Playboy at 45: "I hope it inspires women to feel good about themselves in their 40s, that you can still be viable and sexy." Another "Poor Jen" story! Ms. Aniston had "several secret meetings" with Gerard Butler because they're planning to star in a movie together. But Gerard is a "fame-seeker," and a "player" who "won't commit" so Jen is "picking the wrong man again." Jen's been calling her friends and crying, saying she can't stand to be alone. The mag helpfully points out that even though Jen ranked above Angelina on a list of celebrity salaries, "money can't buy love." Feel like stalking? Nicole Richie, Heidi Klum, Isla Fisher, Gwen Stefani and Jessica Alba all take their kids to "Hollywood's Hottest Playground," which is Coldwater Canyon Park in Beverly Hills. WOO HOO: Fourteen months after separating, Pink and Carey Hart are getting married again! A friend says they want to have a ceremony at their house in Malibu on the beach at sunset. Awww.
Grade: D+ (fleas)

Us
"Inside The $900 Million Split."
Mel Gibson has been cheating on his wife with a Russian musician named Oksana, who is on his music label. He also shot one of her videos. This story is illustrated with a picture of Mel kissing Oksana on a beach in Costa Rica. Moving on: Lindsay emailed Us and said: "These accusations of me being crazy are not only inadequate but absurd." The mag says she was out partying with her mom and drank 7 cocktails in less than 2 hours and couldn't even stand up; she counters: "I don't drink for quite some time now." As for the cutting, she says: "Hahaha… I'm not a cutter." She also defended her mother clubbing with her: "My mother is amazing and she came here to be here for me." Next: The mag claims that when Rihanna saw pictures of Chris Brown with a new ladyfriend, she sent him a text message, and he replied, "It's none of your business." An article called "Meet Bo Obama!" has a quote from a trainer who worked with Bo: "I have worked with a lot of dogs, and Bo is incredibly bright and sensitive. He has an excellent memory. He'd pick up a stick on a walk, drop it, then on the way back he would use his nose and go right to the same stick, which I found amazing." Lastly, in a story called "Palin Family Feud," the mag talks to Bristol's hairdresser and "friend" LaVancha Lankford, who says: "Bristol was shocked [that Levi's sister spoke to a tabloid]." A source claims that Levi Johnston has hooked up with a girl named Khori Elder, who has her lip pierced, and whose Facebook profile says "every girl needs a man to make her weak." This magazine also had a pull-out poster of Britney's Candie's ad in it, which we plan to hang in our non-existent locker.
Grade: C- (ticks)

Star
"Angelina Pregnant Again!"
A "family insider" says "Yes, Angie is pregnant. They've been trying for another baby for months, but it was still a total shock when she found out. Brad and Angie have been fighting so much lately it just doesn't seem possible." Another source says "It happened just in time because things were getting ugly between them." Wanna know all about the moment she told Brad? "Angie met him by the front door, looking gorgeous, and told him she was having a baby. Brad was shocked at first, I mean, he was just stunned. He literally swept Angelina off her feet and carried her into the house. He was laughing and crying and kissing her. It was very emotional for them both." Anyway this baby has put an end the the feuding and even though she's only two and a half months along, they're trying to decide where the kid will be born. Brad wants New Orleans. And! Angelina is craving Twinkies, just so you know. Next: Rupert Everett has done something to his face. [Fig. 3]. A doctor who does not treat him says: "I think Rupert had a face lift. His cheeks are fuller and lifted, and his jawline and neck are pulled back and smoother." Oh, and a chin implant. The forehead? Botox. Pink and Carey Hart have agreed never to be away from each other for more than 2 weeks. Make it work! Ed Westwick and Jessica Szohr went out to dinner with Ed's parents when they visited from England. Is Fergie losing her hair [Fig. 4]? Blind item: "Which actor needs to give his nose a break? His coke-heavy 'model parties' have already sent him to the hospital once recently, but he can't stop being host to starlets." Twilight gossip: "Kristen Stewart and Nikki Reed are competing for Rob's attention," says a source. Apparently they both like him and are "headed for a major showdown." Robert Pattinson has been visiting both of their hotel rooms. David Duchovny and Tea Leoni are totes back together and the mag has pictures of them dancing closely, embracing each other in the Caribbean. Here's a great quote from a story about Britney Spears and Kevin Federline: "Kevin misses Britney and her intrigue. She's the only woman who keeps his mind in suspense and constant turmoil. And Kevin misses the everyday fun of it." Miley Cyrus has a "secret brother" whom she never sees. His name is Christopher Cyrus, he's 17, and he lives with his mom and stepdad in Texas. Apparently Billy Ray fathered this kid right before Miley; they're less than 8 months apart. Levi Johnston' sister Mercede spoke to star again, saying, "My dad is determined to get 50/50 custody of Tripp for Levi. He's going to fight for it."
Grade: C (mosquitoes)

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WALTERS: I have one final, very important question. Mrs. Obama, I sent you a picture of my dog, Cha Cha…

MICHELLE OBAMA: Uh-huh.

WALTERS: Who is a Havanese, and a very perfect dog, and…

BARACK OBAMA (suddenly stonefaced): Cha Cha?

WALTERS: Cha Cha. Cha Cha is a dog, he's a Havanese, he's from Havana…real name is "Cha-cha-cha."

BARACK OBAMA: Cha-cha-cha.

WALTERS: Yeah.

BARACK OBAMA: What is a Havanese?

WALTERS: Oh, it's like a little…it's like a little terrier. And they're non-allergenic, and they're the sweetest dogs in the world.

BARACK OBAMA (practically recoiling): But, but it's a…it's like a little yappy dog.

MICHELLE OBAMA: Don't criticize.

BARACK OBAMA: Yeah, it like sits in your lap and things?

MICHELLE OBAMA: Yes, it's a cute dog. (Laughs)

BARACK OBAMA: It sounds kind of like a…a girly dog.

MICHELLE OBAMA: We're girls. We have a house full of girls. (Laughs)

BARACK OBAMA (motioning with his hands): Well…well, we're gonna have a big, rambunctious dog.

A deflated Walters demurred before she had a chance to pitch her backup mutt. Sadly, America will never know whether Sheetzucacapoopoo is, indeed, Barack Obama's kind of dog.

[Photo Credit: George Burns for ABC News]

• Obama on Auto Execs' Private Jets: 'A Little Tone Deaf' [ABC News]

Life & Style
"Twilight Romance!" Lots of stuff about how Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart might OMG be having a secret relationship, because they had good chemistry on set and he tried to slip her the tongue in a kissing scene. But! She's had a boyfriend for 2 years, and this is fabricated story. Moving on: Pete Wentz texted a few friends on November 14th to say that Ashlee was in labor, but texted again the next day to say it was a false alarm. The baby's not ready yet! Holly Madison says that leaving Hugh Hefner has changed her look! She is wearing less makeup now that she is with Criss Angel. Who wears eyeliner, right? Whoa: Is this a picture of Barack Obama biting Michelle's ear (Fig. 1)??? Lastly, this week in Dr. Rey's Casebook, the good doctor believes that Heidi Klum, who is a flawless fucking supermodel, would be even sexier if only she had Michelle Williams's lips (Fig. 2) WTF.
Grade: D- (2 hour delay)

In Touch
"Jen, I'm Sorry." Sigh. Brad Pitt still feels bad about leaving Jen for Angelina. Jen is not mad at Brad, she just hates Angelina, "pure and simple." Not because Angie stole Brad, but because she won't shut up about it. A source close to Aniston says, "Just when she is in a good place, it seems as if Angelina has to throw some poison her way." The magazine also walks you through Jen's "Seven Stages Of Grief" over relationship in a helpful sidebar, as well as asking a "body language expert" to analyze her facial expressions from her appearance on Oprah (Fig. 3). Moving on: Valerie Bertinelli lost weight through grilled chicken and exercise, what a breakthrough. Kirstie Alley's gained all her weight back and "Oprah Want To Lose Weight For Obama." And Fergie gained weight for a film and she's up to a whopping 121 pounds, but she plans to lose the 13 lbs. she packed on. There's a story called "The Stress Is Getting To Madonna" with pictures of her arms and a line which reads, "The singer appears to be wasting away. Is she okay?" Next, Nicole Richie is planning her clothing line — her jewelry line, House of Harlow, is already in stores. There's an informative piece called "Drugs Ruin Your Looks," illustrated with two pictures of Amy Winehouse. Oh, and a whole bunch of druggy blind items (Fig. 4)! Since she was "dressed conservatively" on a beach in Mexico, and had her hand on her tummy a lot, and a source says so, Mariah Carey is two months pregnant. Oh, Ellen DeGeneres is hosting a show in Vegas called Ellen's Even Bigger Really Big Show: "I may be topless, which is potentially kind of exciting," she jokes. Lastly, an "At Home With Lance Bass" feature reveals that he has a purple satin bedspread and 'NSync bobbleheads (Fig. 5).
Grade: D (1 hour delay)

Us
"How Angelina Tortures Jen." Eight text-heavy detailed pages about the Aniston vs. Angelina feud. The magazine delves into the original betrayal, and uses metaphors like, "Aniston continues to pick at the scabs of her broken marriage" and "Jolie twists her dangerous knife." In insider says Anison is "as adept as Madonna at pushing the right buttons to stay in the spotlight." Plus, when Angelina was on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, instead of wearing the flesh-colored underwear provided, she was naked in bed with Brad Pitt. Intern Margaret's fave part is when a source says: "Whenever the topic of Valley girls comes up in conversation, Angelina likes to tease Brad by saying, 'Brad, you used to like Valley girls, didn't you?'" Next: A photograph of Sarah Palin reclining by the pool at the Republican Governors Association Conference in Miami last week (Fig 6). Oh, and there are pictures of what Michelle Obama could wear to the inauguration (Fig. 7). Hmm, where have we seen that before? Lastly: There's an exclusive interview with Brandy, who, when she got knocked up in 2002, claimed she had secretly wed the baby's father the year before, which was a total lie.
Grade: C (half hour delay)

Star
"Furious Brad: Shut Up, Jen!" Jen told a friend, "I look forward to the day when I can get Angelina in a room and warn her that Brad is going to leave her, just the way he dumped me." Jen also reveals the reason she wouldn't have Brad's baby: He was cheating on her. The mag goes back to a 2003 Vanity Fair party, where Brad disappeared with a "very sexy party planner" and Courteney Cox had to send David Arquette to go find him. Also, when Jen and Brad were together, he liked to wake and bake — smoking pot all the time. Plus, he was "constantly" getting chemical peels and collagen injections. Wowza. Moving on: Guy Ritchie and Rachel McAdams have been flirting on the set of Sherlock Holmes. Crazytown! Four months after breaking up with Michael Bublé, Emily Blunt is dating John Krasinski! Tina Fey turned down an interview with 60 Minutes because she doesn't want to talk about politics anymore. But! She's still one of Barbara Walters's "10 Most Fascinating People." Dr. Phil can't stand curly hair, and makes the female staff come in with straightened hair. New hires are warned they'll have to flat-iron! Blind item! "Who is taking months to plan her wedding because she doesn't want to pay for it? The glamourous girl is calling in favors and trying to get freebies for her long-overdue big day." Mischa Barton is trying to find her way back into the spotlight with a line of high-end headbands. But! She is furious at Nicole Richie for including hair jewelry in her House of Harlow line. Rihanna and Chris Brown went to a lingerie store and Chris bought her $800 worth of unmentionables. Plus, they've coordinated their concert schedules and call each other "beauty" and "rebel." Which is which? L.A. photo agency X17 claims one of their photographers saw Britney's dad, a recovering alcoholic, down more than 6 large draft beers while sitting alone at a bar. His camp claims he was drinking O'Douls. Also: Jessica Simpson might be pregnant. A story called "The Hills: Running Out Of Lies" claims that MTV is "struggling" to come up with fake Hills storylines. LC and Heidi called a truce, and the producers are upset they missed it — they might recreate it. LC's hometown friend Jill Levin is always around, but the producers won't film her because they don't think she is thin or cute enough. And how will producers portray Audrina's new multi-million dollar mansion on the show without admitting that the way she bought it was with money from The Hills?
Grade: C+ (15 minute delay)

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In Touch
"Brad Feels Trapped." Basically, this mag insists that Angelina is knocked up with her 7th child, and that Brad is "tormented" by her "baby joy." And insider says, "Brad feels trapped. He knows he can't leave her now." Cuz before, when they only had 6 kids, he could totally just walk away. But seven?? Anyway, the "source" claims that even before the twins were born, Brad tried to "escape" by "drinking vast amounts of beer." Moving on: Tom and Katie are celebrating their two-year anniversary. What keeps them together? Their daughter. Katie "puts up with a lot for Suri's sake," a friend claims. The friend also says: "Life with Tom is not what Katie thought it would be." For the love of Xenu. Also inside: Nicole Richie is "too thin again." A nutritionist who doesn't treat her estimates her weight is 90 lbs.; she was 85 lbs. at her thinnest. Lindsay Lohan has a crush on Gossip Girl's Ed Westwick! "I love Chuck Bass," she says. "I want to be his friend." Evan Rachel Wood has "finally" found a guy her age: The 21-year-old was seen making out with Joseph Gordon Levitt, 27. This comes just 3 weeks after breaking up with 39-year-old Marilyn Manson. Christina Ricci has a new man, and he is 6 foot 6 (Fig. 1). On a spread called "The Most Expensive Celebrity Weddings," we learn that Jessica Simpson spent $250,000 on roses; both Mariah and Gwen Stefani had $500,000 receptions; Trista Rehn had $50,000 platinum and diamond-encrusted shoes. By the by: John Stamos is ready to have kids! Lastly, the epically dumb story: "Suri Is Copying Lindsay's Style" (Fig. 2)! Since this is the only weekly not to cover the Obamas, it receives an automatic failure.
Grade: F- (dreadlock)

Life & Style
"Jen Speaks Out On Angelina." You've heard this a million times over the last two days and here it is again: Jennifer Aniston thinks that Angelina talking about falling in love during Mr. And Mrs. Smith is "very uncool." Jen's friends "know to avoid" talking about Brangelina, and Jen says she can deal with running into Brad, but she's tired of being tied to him publicly. Yawn. Moving on! There are two pages based on Lindsay Lohan's Bazaar interview, in which she says she's not a lesbian. She does say she sees herself getting married "eventually." The mag asks, to a man or a woman? LL answers, "I don't know." In a Brad and Angelina story called "Time Apart," we learn that the two make sure they have "date night" at least two nights a month — the nannies watch the kids. A "Meet The First Daughters" story informs us that Malia Obama likes ice cream: "Ice cream is my favorite food," she says. "I could eat ice cream forever." Sasha likes to dance to Beyoncé on her iPod. Beyoncé has offered to sing at the inauguration! Insiders say that moving to the White House will probably be easier on Sasha because she's younger and more of an extrovert. Malia already has her own set of friends and a life that she's used to, so she may get homesick. But! The White House does have a in-house movie theater, swimming pool and bowling alley. Next: Kim Kardashian has "stolen" Angelina Jolie's stylist, Jen Rade, who told her to ditch the extensions and stop wearing so much tight stuff. "I've kept 10 Herve Leger dresses as keepsakes," says Kim, "but I've gotten rid of 40." Hayden Panettiere is 19 and now has a $2.6 million house in L.A. It looks cute. Lastly, in "Dr. Rey's Casebook," the doc says that Mandy Moore's nose is "perfect for her face" didn't she have it done? He also claims that Whitney Port would be "stunning" with Lauren Conrad's nose (Fig. 3). She looks awful. Women are not Lego, for you to swap and change pieces, doctor.
Grade: F+ (rat's nest)

OK!
"Michelle's Private World." Intern Margaret says she didn't really learn anything new about Michelle, and the only source the mag uses is Yusef Williams, Michelle's hairstylist. He does reveal that "Michelle has a lot of full-length hair — no extensions — and she has relaxed." Williams explains, in great detail, how to get her 'do: there's serum, blow-drying and flat ironing involved. He expects her look to evolve when the Obamas hit the White House: "I'm sure there is going to be change, because that's the motto: Change. Expect something shorter, layered, fun and one-of-a-kind." There are rumors that the earrings Michelle wore on election night were a gift from Oprah, but that's not true. They're $10,000 Loree Rodkin earrings. We also learned how to get Malia and Sasha's looks, by shopping H&M, Bloomingdales, J. Crew and Payless. Moving on: Britney's son Jayden was rushed to the hospital on Sunday, and an allergic reaction to shellfish was the cause. No shrimp cocktail for little Jay! There's a two-page spread with "exclusive" pictures from Mel B.'s vow renewal in Egypt, if you care.
Grade: C- (teased tangles)

Star
"Devastated Jen: How Could You!" So yeah, what is Jen Aniston pissed about now? According to the mag, Jen was surfing the web and "came across a story that plunged a knife directly into her heart." It was when Brad told Oprah that Angelina is "the love of his life." Oprah asked him if he's the happiest he's ever been, and Brad answers, "Dare I say?" To which Oprah said, "Dare I see!" The mag digs up a quote from 1996, when Brad Pitt dedicated his Golden Globe from 12 Monkeys to "the love of my life, my angel": Gwyneth Paltrow. And! In 2004, while Brad was still with Jen but had started filming Mr. And Mrs. Smith, he said: "We'll see where this thing is going. I'm not sure it is really in our nature to be with someone for the rest of our lives." Now Jen is wondering if Brad ever really love her, and she called his mom to cry about it. An insider says having John Mayer's baby is going to be Jen's "in your face" to Brad. Apparently John Mayer is so frustrated by Jen's "lingering feelings" for Brad that he's written pages and pages of rants he plans to turn into song lyrics. Moving on: Blind item! "Which new mom is having a little too much fun when her baby's dad is out of town? Booze and coke aren't quite the best diet for someone who is still breastfeeding." Also inside: "America's First Sweethearts" is all about Sasha and Malia Obama! Sasha, who will be the youngest kid in the White House since Kennedy's children, is a budding gymnast who collects snowglobes — dad picks them up during his travels! Plus, there's a picture of Sasha and Barack in a bumper car (Fig. 4)! Lastly, there are six pages called "Hollywood Strip Show," which is about stars who have been — or played — strippers. Did you know that Mark Consuelos was known as the "king of whipped cream" when he danced in Tampa in the early '90s?
Grade: C (dry curls)

Us
"I Think I'm A Pretty Cool Dad." The issue devotes eight pages to Barack Obama, after having a 13-page page story about the Obamas and other White House families last week. They even have a page called "Obamas — Just Like Us!" (Fig. 5) You get to see tons and tons of pictures, especially of Sasha and Malia — rollerskating, playing with a puppy, hugging dad, etc. There's also a page called "Fake Baby News," in which Us calls out In Touch OK! and Star for spreading vicious, vicious lies. (Fig. 6) Keep your enemies close!
Grade: C+ (conditioned tresses)
















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OK!
"Baby Brother For Suri!" Okay, so Nicole Kidman told the December issue of Glamour magazine that her teenage son, Connor, is hoping for a baby brother. "He would like one of us to have a boy. He wants that boy. Katie?" Basically, Nicole is done with giving birth and it's all up to Katie Holmes. Hence this cover story. A "friend" says: "Kate and Tom very much want another baby. There may be no better time than now for Katie to get pregnant again, and absolutely nothing would make Tom happier. Their second anniversary is just days away [Nov. 18] and I wouldn't be at all surprised to see another little Cruise come into the world nine months later." Hear that? TomKat could have sex on their anniversary, Katie could get knocked up, and Suri could have a brother. Moving on: Oprah is letting Jennifer Hudson stay at her East Lakeshore Drive condo in Chicago while she deals with the deaths in her family. "There's plenty of privacy and security there," a pal says. Carnie Wilson is pregnant, if you care. Britney is still under her father's conservatorship. Angelina Jolie is using her kid's video games to work out: She does "Let's Pilates!" on Nintendo DS. Then there are a bunch of weird, Marie Claire-style stories in this issue, maybe because the mag has a new editor: There's "The Dos & Don'ts Of Love At Work," which touches on Gossip Girl's cast members dating; "How To Score A Sexy Sports Star," which is Jessica Simpson-inspired, and "Don't Catch The Office Cold," which is about staying healthy at work, but uses a picture from the NBC show The Office. These pieces are not really gossipy, more service-y, and therefore weird in a gossip mag. Lastly, there's "10 Things You Must Know About Twilight," the new vampire movie that will eat America's soul on November 21.
Grade: F (hopelessness)


In Touch
"She's Pregnant Again!" Angelina Jolie has a "small yet noticeable baby bump." She gave birth to twins in July but "may already be two months pregnant." For the love of God. A "friend" says: "She is very tired and emotional. She had thought it was post-partum depression, but then she told Brad, 'Um, I think we've done it again.'" Also, the magazine actually prints these words: "She wants a bump for the Oscars." And guess what? Jennifer Aniston might be pregnant too! The mag claims her "bump" is "getting bigger." Moving on: Tori Spelling's spawn, Liam, 20 months old, is pictured checking himself out in In Touch (Fig 1). Meta. Lisa Rinna has a "new" face (Fig. 2) and says: "I know I went too far. I saw a doctor in New York who I don't normally see, and we went a little overboard. I saw a photo of myself at a party and went, 'Oh jeez, I have too much filler.'" Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller are "on the rocks." She's pregnant; he's been out partying. The Jonas Brothers have a $24,000-a-month mansion in Bel Air, and you don't. Lastly: You've heard this one before, and here it is again: Lindsay looks too thin (Fig. 3).
Grade: D- (ennui)


Life & Style
"Britney's Brave Battle With Mental Illness" Hey, Britney was diagnosed with being bi-polar less than a year ago… Is she ready for a "comeback"? She was spotted in tears at rehearsal for her upcoming tour. An insider claims she said, "It's all too much for me right now." Moving on: An source says Jennifer Aniston wants more plastic surgery because she's afraid her "nose is only getting bigger." She has a window of time in January and February before the release of He's Just Not That Into You and could squeeze in some rhinoplasty. Heidi Montag's dad says: "Every father wants his daughter to be with someone like Spencer, believe me. If they want to get married, they definitely have my blessing." What is that guy smoking? He also showed Spencer his gun. Anne Hathaway's new man is an actor named Adam Shulman. Gwen Stefani put a picture of her baby on her website for the world to see: He looks like a baby. Also, the mag calls 2-year-old Kingston Rossdale "Hollywood's Newest Bachelor." He had a playdate with Tobey Maguire's daughter! Angelina Jolie says: "If we look at all the cartoon heroines, there isn't even one princess in Disney that Zahara can identify with. And there's something very wrong with this. We had an African-American candidate for the Presidency, and not even a cartoon for a black child." Lastly, this week in "Dr. Rey's Casebook," the feature in which the plastic surgeon reduces women to body parts, which he then critiques, Heidi Montag needs Carmen Electra's butt; Tara Reid has dimples on her "saggy" derriere and Mena Suvari's behind is "perfectly perky."
Grade: D (apathy)


Star
"Twins For Jen!" The magazine prints the words: "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer with a baby carriage — big enough for twins." It's hilarious, but we read the "first comes love" shtick before, in Life & Style. According to Star: "Jen has been undergoing fertility treatments, determined to have a pair of babies with John." And Jen has already called Brad to tell him about the babies. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan's been bragging to her pals that she and Justin Timberlake had a one night stand in January. Jessica Biel was in England, filming a movie, and LL invited JT come to her house in West Hollywood. A source says that she says he came right over and they did it on the couch. A couple of weeks later, LL made plans to meet JT again, but he stood her up. This was around the same time Justin was "seen" hooking up with Kate Hudson. Also inside: Evan Rachel Wood has dumped live-in boyfriend Marilyn Manson! He tried to kick her brother out of the guesthouse, but Evan owns their home. Blind item! "Which TV funnyman looked like a big joke backstage at a recent hip-hop concert? Pale, bloated and wearing a stained hoodie, he bragged that he was tripping on LSD." Angelina Jolie was so "angry" about Brad flirting with Diane Kruger on the set of his new film, she flew to L.A. to appear at the Hollywood Film Festival Awards. Two days later, Brad followed her to L.A. with the kids in tow, to "grovel for her forgiveness." Lastly, there are four pages of candid snapshots and info from Heidi Montag and Audrina Patridge's ex-boyfriends, who "tell all," in case you're interested. We're not.
Grade: D+ (indifference)


Us
"Their Amazing Journey." If you can't handle gossip and you just want to read about ZOMG Barack Obama, there are 13 pages of text and pictures about the new first family, the role of first lady and what it's like to be a kid growing up in the White House. Snaps of the Kennedys, Susan Ford, Amy Carter, political dogs, etc.! Plus: Michelle Obama's mom might move into the White House along with the family. Sasha and Malia love the Jonas brothers and Nick Jonas says, "Those girls are very sweet. We will never turn an offer to go to the White House." Did you know that Barack and Michelle's 16th anniversary was on October 3? Michelle thought Barack would be too busy to celebrate, but then she saw a picture in the paper of him buying flowers, and later he gave them to her. Moving on: A-Rod was seen driving to Madonna's house in L.A. recently and plans to attend her L.A. concert. Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling: It's off. Sniff. An insider suggests Rachel was too controlling and Ryan dumped her. WTF. Simon Cowell and Terri Seymour have broken up after 6 years of dating; she wanted kids. Lastly, Carrie Underwood is dating a doctor from a TV show called… The Doctors.
Grade: A (hope) This week, politics trump celebrity!


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What, you don't remember? We've got SNL's Biden impression cued up after the jump:

Saturday Night Live executive producer Lorne Michaels hopes to lure back Maya Rudolph to play Michelle Obama, and also has an answer to whether Tina Fey will play Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin: Maybe.

"There have been discussions," Michaels said Thursday, when asked about the possibility of Fey returning. "They're ongoing."

...The Not Ready for Primetime Players read through a possible Palin skit Wednesday for Saturday's season premiere, hosted by Michael Phelps. The show's Casey Wilson handled Palin duties in the read-through, which helps the show narrow down sketches for Saturday.

Certainly, bringing back Fey makes sense; within hours of her announcement, they Fey/Palin comparisons began in earnest (and still haven't ebbed). But Rudolph? Seriously, Lorne: you do realize that black women are sometimes newsworthy, right? It might be smart to actually add a new one to your cast; after all, Kenan Thompson can't always don drag (Amy Poehler, however, can do it whenever she wants).

• Fey as Palin on SNL? Rudolph as Michelle Obama? [TV Guide]

Before the main event, Ms. Hasselbeck contrasted Mrs. McCain with another wife of a political candidate who “shall remain nameless,” noting, “She didn’t come with a list of topics that we weren’t allowed to touch.” (Oh, snap, Michelle Obama.)

"Oh, snap," indeed, NYT. What an unfair demand for Michelle Obama to make, especially after the hard-hitting Hasselbeck used Cindy McCain's View stint to grill her on the Keating Five scandal, Cindy's history of drug addiction, and the illegally written prescriptions she used to procure those drugs. Oh, wait, our bad: Hasselbeck never asked about any of those things, and we're sure that Cindy never expected her to! Hooray for partisan double standards!

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Cindy McCain Honored at Lunch [New York Times]

Voguing like a supermodel, Tyra pays homage to Michelle Obama and Jackie Kennedy with pearls, slinky black shift and curly flip, draped against a Barack Obama lookalike and smiling at a tyke playing hide-and-seek à la JFK Jr.

Banks confessed that if she were first lady, her Secret Service code name would be "KMFA: Kiss My Fat Ass."

We can see it now: Nigel Barker as VP, Miss Jay as Secretary of the Interior, and Mr. Jay as Tyra's own personal Karl Rove. Sadly for erstwhile Top Model castoff Janice Dickinson, she would be immediately placed on a "do not fly" list, shipped to Gitmo for a special new facial rejuvenation procedure known as "waterboarding."

• TIPPECANOE AND TYRA, TOO [New York Post]

2% socialite, 0% blogger!

One writer, one photographer, one rapper. Three designers. Seven royals (one of whom is Kate Middleton).

The list:

Ivanka Trump
Michelle Obama
Carla Bruni-Sarkozy
Kate Middleton
Sarah Jessica Parker
Diana Taylor
Julia Koch
Tilda Swinton
H.R.H Crown Princess Mathilde of Belgium
Evelyn Lauder
Zac Goldsmith
Daniel Craig
Matt Lauer
David Beckham
Lapo Elkann
H.S.H. Prince Heinrich von und zu Fürstenberg
Count Manfredi Della Gherardesca
Kanye West
Morley Safer
Bryan Lourd
Sisters Alexandra Kotur and Fiona Kotur Marin
Brothers Rafael, Duke of Feria, and Don Luis Medina
Brothers Andrea and Pietro Clemente
Iris Apfel
Karl Lagerfeld
Julian Schnabel
Sydney and Charles Finch
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie
Kelly Lynch and Mitch Glazer
Christy Turlington Burns
Carine Roitfeld
Katherine Ross
Stacey Bendet
Fran Lebowitz
H.R.H. Crown Prince Pavlos of Greece
Jonathan Becker

No, Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham was not named. Nor was Scarlett Johansson or Heidi Klum. Glaring omissions? Please advise.

The International Best-Dressed List [Vanity Fair]

Us
This cover, showing a beaming Michelle and Barack Obama emblazoned with the words "Why Barack Loves Her," is perhaps part of the subtle image makeover we referred to earlier. Us seems very concerned with portraying the clearly awesome Michelle as a non-threatening soccer mom, and more importantly, differentiating her from Hillary. Says a friend: "[Michelle] is not the least bit interested in being a co-president or participating in policy decisions…Her first priority as a first lady would be that the girls are OK, and to continue to be the outstanding mother that she is." We always go straight to Us for astute political coverage. In other news, Hollywood wags think Katherine Heigl's career will be fine despite her ankling the Emmys. Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee are back together for the umpteenth time. They're like Bobby and Whitney but with exponentially more body modification. Finally, here's some news for all the hipsters out there: supermodel Helena Christensen has been "cozying up" to Interpol lead singer Paul Banks for over six months!
Grade: C (a timeshare in Cleveland)
In Touch
Rut roh! Angelina and Brad's CRISIS AT HOME in huge pink letters! They have a lot of babies, it's exhausting, it's possibly pulling them apart, and so on, and so forth. The only good part of this four page spread is the sidebar where Dr. Drew gives Angelina the business about her whole Mother Theresa routine. "I've never seen anyone remit heroin completely," Dr. Drew said. "Is she in recovery? If she's in recovery, I don't seen any evidence of it, because people in recovery invest themselves in simple, selfless acts of service, not global self-serving acts." Burn!!! On to matters of life and death: Did Mariah Carey have plastic surgery? Survey says: Probs. Her yo-yo dieting is well known and after her most recent weight loss, she has mysterious, Tara Reid-reminiscent ripples on her tummy. The liposuction of Mimi! Bret Michaels bonded with Sherri Shepherd when he went on The View because they both have diabeetus, but he wants to do it with Elisabeth Hasselbeck. "Barbara Walters was pretty hot," Bret admitted, "but Elisabeth Hasslebeck and me, I'm just telling her, if her husband ever falls out of the picture…" Scariest tabloid news of the week: Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt spent $10,000 on guns because Spencer wants to be "prepared for anything." Can't wait for the Branch Davidianish FBI raid on the Speidi compound…
Grade: C+ (an unheated shack on the coast of Maine)
Star
More Brangelina business. Angie has panic attacks due to the stress of her pregnancy and Shiloh's terrible twos. Apparently she's worried about how she's going to handle "two more needy little ones in an already chaotic household." Uh, probably with the army of nannies she already employs. Miley Cyrus reportedly gets thousands of love letters from prisoners, "who claim they've taped her picture up in their cells." Creepy to the max!! Was Matthew McConaughey macking on strange ladies during a recent trip to Nicaragua while his super-pregs girlfriend Camilla Alves languished at home? If the photos are any indication (see Fig. A below), the answer is yes. An amused onlooker tells Star, "He grabbed the DJ's microphone, crawled onto a table and screamed 'I lost my flip-flops!' in broken Spanish!" Britney and Jamie Lynn are none too pleased about mom Lynne's forthcoming memoir, Through The Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World, which includes such revelations as Britney bit her nails as a kid. Shocking! And lastly, Jen wants boyfriend of thirty seconds John Mayer to marry her, but he's not down. Hmm, sounds dubious.
Grade: D+ (a metal trailer in Death Valley)
Ok!
Jeebus. Even more Angelina news. This time she's not stressed. In fact, she's so into all her babies, Ok! says, she's looking to adopt another boy. She'll get the lucky young tyke from the same Ethiopian orphanage where she found wee Zahara. Ange wants to "balance the races" in her household and since Maddox has Pax, now it's "Z's turn." Speaking of babies, Britney will charter a jet to Kentwood, Louisiana, the second lil' sis Jamie goes into labor. There are rumblings that Prince William and on-again, off-again flame Kate Middleton will be married next summer. Why did Anne Hathaway stay with scuzzy Raffaello Follieri for so long? Because he's a baaaad boy, of course. "[Women] believe that if we are wonderful enough, beautiful enough or sexy enough, we will cure them of their bad ways, and make ourselves all the more beautiful," Dr. Jenn Berman tells Ok!. Ugh. In other douche-dating news, David Spade says "girls date me because I'm normal." Good to know.
Grade: D- (a motel room on Three Mile Island)


Life & Style
Just when you thought she was getting better, L&S dredges up some old dirt: Britney tried to off herself twice, says a new book. Ian Halperin, an investigative journalist who is writing a bio of Brit tells L&S, "I can't divulge too much, but I will say the suicide attempts are true. I know all the details of both of them>" The book is also about how "sleazy and destructive" her handlers were, and how Britney is obsessed with Marilyn Monroe's tragic fate. The formerly self-destructive Nicole Richie is "back to her old ways" and is losing weight. She and Joel madden are fighting a lot and she's stressed out by baby Harlow. Unlike Nicole Richie, another Nicole (Kidman) is trying to gain weight. She thinks her baby bump is too small and wishes it were bigger. She also wishes that her jugs were bigger. Are Mariah and Nick already on the rocks? "I give the marriage six months, tops," says an insider.
Grade: D- (a teepee in Chernobyl)
Fig. A: