These days, just about any celeb can get a book deal, but if they really want to get on Oprah and sell millions of copies, they need to come up with some sort of attention grabbing scandal that will catapult their tome up the best-sellers lists. It started innocently enough, in 1992, former Greg Brady, Barry Williams, wrote in his book Growing Up Brady that he had relationships with both is on-screen mother and sister. In 2003 Anne Heche's Call Me Crazy alleged sexual abuse as well as communicating with aliens. There aren't many other places to go after that. Last year John Lennon: The Life upped the ante by claiming that the Beatle not only had a gay relationship with Paul McCartney, but was also in love with his mother.

As the literary one-upsmanship continues from fake incest to aliens to real incest and gay relationships, the famous are going to have to dig deep to find accusations that will actually shock us into buying their sorry books.

• 2010: A new book about Elizabeth Taylor says that her secret to longevity is because she practiced Satanism at an altar in her basement. She also served as the inspiration for both Rosemary's Baby and Angel Heart.
• 2014: After his lover performing partner Roy's death, Siegfried Fischbacher writes a book about their life together and alleges that the only comfort Roy could find after his tiger mauling accident came when he started having sex with tigers. But only female tigers, because they are definitely not gay.
• 2017: Michael Phelps appears on the final season of Oprah to talk about his new book. He admits that during the Olympics he was on hormones, not because he needed extra speed, but because he's really a woman.
• 2020: Jennifer Aniston is finally ready to open up about her marriage to John Mayer, who wasn't really a human at all, but a shape shifting demon that she summoned through witchcraft and virgin sacrifice to kill Angelina Jolie. She fell in love with him instead. Mayer has no comment, but returns to the pits of Hades from whence he came.
• 2023: Lauren Conrad writes about her slide from fame into obscurity and how the loss of self-esteem lead her to make some odd career choices. She became a mid-priced hooker and drug trafficker that also ran a ring of very, very cruel puppy farms. Still, no one really cares.
• 2029: Suri Cruise finally pens a book saying that her mother married her father to become more famous and that her father often trapped them in the house for long stretches of time, not letting them talk to outsiders. She also says that they were involved in a cult with its own uniforms and crazy languages and that it kept her father from expressing his homosexual desires. It also eventually stole all of his money. Come on. Who's going to believe that?

Because the brawling former Men's Vogue editor (and Leven Rambin dater) has submitted, along with his old coworker Michael Mraz, a pitch letter for just such a film. I guess they came up with the idea while out of work after MV folded in October.

It's about a Phelpsian character who, unlike that dolphin of the deep, doesn't get off so easy after getting caught up in a drug scandal. His swimming career in tatters, he becomes a local lifeguard. New York has gotten a hold of the pitch:

What if Michael Phelps' punishment for being caught with the smoking bong was a summer sentence as a lifeguard at a water park? Tyler Hartwell is about to find out. When America's up-and-coming swimming phenom falsely tests positive for steroids on the eve of his biggest race ever, he loses everything, including his agent, girlfriend, and sponsors - and is forced to spend an endless SoCal summer lifeguarding at Wet Dreams Water Park: The Wettest Place on Earth.

The pair go on to describe the film as a "cannonball of comedy" (in that it painfully blows your head off?), full of romance and intrigue and lots of jokes about people cumming in their pants in the still of the night. This can't possibly be the only Phelps/Weedgate script in the works, can it?

If you or anyone you know is also working on one, let us know.

• Pregnant rapper M. I. A. did such a good job at the Grammys that Oscars show producers say they're desperate to book the overdue fresh-minted mom to perform "O Saya" from the excellent Slumdog Millionaire soundtrack. "We are happy to bring some sort of fabulous bed on stage if that means M.I.A. can be there." (UPDATE: Oh right, she finally had the kid. Sorry for calling you "twisted," Oscars producers!)
• To protect his reputation, Michael Phelps is hanging out in strip clubs. He figures no one can take his picture there. [Page Six]
• Justin Timberlake didn't literally beat away the models with a stick at Fashion Week, but it sounds like it almost came to that. Apparently it wasn't enough that he was making out furiously with Jessica Biel. Models can be dense. [Gatecrasher]
• Angelina Jolie might move to Manhattan. She was looking at a place in Washington Heights. They might already be remodeling the building for her. [Us]
• Jennifer Aniston might run into Jolie at the Oscars. Scientists have various theories on what will happen in the collision, and warn there's no way of knowing anything for certain in advance of the actual event. Goggles, as always, are recommended for onlookers. [OK!]
• Sarah Jessica Parker thinks the next Sex And The City movie will need to be "recession-friendly." Which sounds so implausible it gives us hope the recession might finally kill off the franchise, forever. [Us]
• MC Hammer finally got his own reality show, focusing on his life as a "new-age dad" in Oakland. A&E picked it up. [Hollywood Reporter]
• Guy Ritchie is pissed because he has to re-shoot various Sherlock Holmes scenes, because he was distracted by his divorce from Madonna. As though we all weren't distracted by his divorce from Madonna. [Sun]
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are suddenly not going to the Oscars, for some reason. Maybe so they can get some press when they do go to the Oscars. [OK!]

• On Monday night, Hugh Grant is seen making out with Drew Barrymore at Waverly Inn. She later turns up at Beatrice alone. On Tuesday night, Grant makes out with two women at a Meatpacking District spot, then just up and walks out. He's either trying to prove something or trying to sexually frustrate himself.
• Los Angeles police are supposedly investigating whether Chris Brown has a long history of abusing Rihanna. Like, why did she wear that eye patch? [Sun]
• Brown's mom is still talking to him. And at least one cousin is defending him, saying, "it had to be something to provoke him for Chris to do it."
• In 1979, 20-year-old Madonna worked as a nude photo model for maybe $25. One of those pictures just sold for $38,000. [Mirror]
• Michael Phelps refuses to take $1 million for an interview, because that would be wrong. And also because it would, uh, endanger his $100 million in projected lifetime endorsements. [P6]
• Benazir Bhutto's niece Fatima, 26, is not sure whether to continue her secret affair with George Clooney, 47, by going to Hollywood as he requests, or be an actual political leader in Pakistan. What's a girl to do? [Mail]
• Do not look at this picture of the octuplet mom's distended belly from the height of her pregnancy. [TMZ]

Entertainment Weekly assisted the actor in his trick, recruiting the How I Met Your Mother cast to act out 2008's biggest moments (captured below). Will Harris's scheme vault him ahead of NeNe? Watch out, Doogie: the Atlanta housewife isn't afraid to get dirty.

• 'How I Met Your Mother' Cast In 'The Best of 2008' [EW]

At first, Cooper's pick-up technique was shopworn: what do you do, what are your parents like, where did you grow up, etc. (We assume the question/declarative statement "Did you see that Real Housewives reunion special? NeNe brought it!" was left on the cutting room floor). Eventually, Phelps consented to split a taxi with the older man, though he continued to issue one-word responses, letting Cooper know he was "really tired," hint hint. Of Phelps's yawns, a butt-hurt Cooper whined, "I'll try not to take those personally." Dude, don't queer the deal — you're almost there!

Sadly, though Cooper wormed his way into Phelps's apartment, consummation was not to be had — but at least Phelps treated him to a friendly breakfast the day after. Still, Cooper had one more trick up his short-sleeve: doffing his shirt! All that gym work was finally going to pay off (and, hopefully, supplant the Coop's old shirtless clip on YouTube). Ultimately, Phelps paid little attention, though to many in the 60 Minutes audience, the program's Cialis commercials suddenly became superfluous. Let's just be glad they didn't send Steve Kroft.

• 60 Minutes [CBS]

Chris Meloni, "a day at the beach"
What It's Probably Supposed to Say: Meloni is really a fun lovin' guy! He's not that brooding, getting-too-close-to-the-case-all-the-damn-time Eliot Stabler he plays on SVU. He really is just like that funny man we've seen in Wet Hot American Summer and Gym Teacher.
What It Really Says: Aside from the obvious, you know, seafood jokes, that he's quietly sad and wishes he could have fun and stare at the ever-rolling waves rather than talk about rape and murder all day.

Michael Phelps, L'Homme YSL
What It's Probably Supposed To Say: That he's suave and classy.
What It Really Says: While People apparently denies this is product placement, we kinda doubt it isn't. So this means that lil' Neptune has become a total corporate shill since winning 1.5 million gold medals at the Chinalympics. I mean, we've known this for some time, and who can blame the kid for cashing in on his new-found fame. But you'd think that a young man as passionate about swimming as he seems to be would chose, like, "the smell of chlorine" or something. But he probably doesn't find that sexy anymore. No, that's work. The money is sexy. Giant swimming pools full of cologne-smelling money.

Taye Diggs, “vanilla, chocolate, sandalwood and musk essential oils"
What It's Probably Supposed To Say: These are pretty cliche! And sorta like sexy sexy. I guess this means that he's a just a smooth, sensual, lover brother who will give you the passionate time of your life when you're on vacation in Jamaica, escaping the grind with your friend, happy to be briefly away from your busy life being a single mom to your son back in San Francisco. Oh. Wait. That was just a movie. Um, I guess it just means that his wife, Broadway star Idina Menzel, is just a very, very happy woman.
What It Really Says: Actually, that's probably it.

Chace Crawford, "fresh cut grass"
What It's Probably Supposed To Say: Well apparently Miss Crawford says of the smell: "[I] grew up playing a lot of football and golf ... When I smell freshly cut grass I get this air of competition. It wakes me up, gets me going." So, he's a good clean all-American boy!
What It Really Says: That thinking of football and sweat and sports makes him feel sexy! That is totally normal! Lots of men feel like that. Big, strong manly men like Rock Hudson and Richard Chamberlain and Tab Hunter. Either that or he's just a young man who gets a bit peckish when thinking of balmy, breezy summer and, well, um, the neighbor boy who used to mow the lawn across the street in nothing but gym shorts.

• The View [ABC]

WE HEAR...that Olympic hero Michael Phelps - besides banking a bundle from endorsements - picked up $100,000 for appearing at an LA pool party for a TV network chief's wife and swimming some laps.

Which chief? Wanton speculation, after the jump:

While NBC head Ben Silverman has a well-documented love of the Olympics, he's still single (and ready to mingle, ladies!). Might the item be referring to ABC's Steve McPherson, Fox's Kevin Reilly, or even (gasp) an entertainment head in cable?

Maybe, but we're going to go with our gut. In that case, kudos are in order to bride-of-CBS Julie Chen, who surely tired of watching her Big Brother charges have all the pool party fun and convinced her husband, network topper Les Moonves, to shell out the hundred thou for some gold medal abs. "Sure, you can do a few laps for me, Michael," we imagine she said as she sipped an amaretto stone sour out on the lanai. "But first... let me slip into something a little more comfortable."

[Photo Credit: AP]

• WE HEAR . . . [NY Post]

Sunset Tan worker Amber Peterson tells E! Phelps asked her out to dinner Friday night after she gave him and his friends complimentary airbrush tans. “He wore a disposable brief and it reminded me a lot of his trademark Speedo,” said Peterson. She also said the scantily clad Phelps had a tattoo on his right hip, a symbol of the Olympic gold rings.

Throughout dinner Peterson said Phelps was the perfect gentleman, even making her feel better after spilling a drink on his lap. “I spilled a Shirley Temple in his lap! He was a great sport about it and didn't get angry. He just laughed and said, ‘It happens and it will dry!’" [...]

The two discussed Phelps desire to swim again in the next Olympics, his preference of frosted flakes over Wheaties (he’s the new face of frosted flakes), and his excitement for the upcoming MTV VMA’s. “He was excited to be a part of the show and said his tan was going to look good on TV,” said Peterson.

After dinner the two went to Moon nightclub where Peterson said they “danced the night away.” They also exchanged phone numbers and Peterson says they “have exchanged texts” since.

Indeed, Phelps did look great on TV. What's more—it sounds as if something pretty special might be blossoming between these two. Just take a look at some of those exchanged texts:

"Had a great time with u!"
"?"
"It's Amber from Snst tan... Sry about the Shrlee Temple ;p""
"O hey whats up?"
"Not much. Want some more airbrushing? My treat :)"
"Nah I'm good. O did i leave a medal in your car?"
"No but ill check. Get 2gether soon?"
"Yeah, def."

Could the pitter-patter of little beflippered, deeply bronzed feet be far away? Time will tell!

• Sunset Tan [E]

"I'm excited to meet Michael Phelps!" she told PEOPLE at a bash celebrating her film Ghost Town at the Toronto Film Festival. "He's gonna be naked in all the sketches I write, for sure."

..."There are some people that you can just picture with a wig on and it's funny," she said at the event sponsored by Hollywood Life magazine. "He's one of those people."

Michael Phelps with nothing on but a wig? Hmm... you know what, Kristen? We can picture it! We'd also like to encourage you to find inspiration in our Defamer casting notices — after all, who wouldn't want to see the Olympic golden boy essay Mr. Spock, Dustin Diamond, and Timmy from South Park?

• SNL Star Gets Psyched for Michael Phelps [People]

The Baltimore Bullet swooped in for the lip-lock with the 20-year-old brunette just weeks after she split from Aussie swimmer Eamon Sullivan. "All the swimmers are talking about it, and [Sullivan] is cut up about what happened," the source said.

The day after the face-sucking frolics, Phelps and Rice cheekily posed together for Speedo - laughing and playfully groping each other as a photographer snapped them in their swimsuits. "I definitely admire him for his athletic ability and everything he's achieved," gushed Rice, who won three gold medals of her own. "I'm just really glad to be in the mix with that."

Aww! But even she isn't the kind of girl you fly home halfway 'round the world to meet Mom, who even cares after Phelps just dropped about $1.7 million on a 4,000 square-foot bachelor pad in Baltimore. Earlier he bought his training facility (complete with an ice rink), and next up, a Maserati. Or maybe an Aston Martin, he said: "[S]ome of the old-school [James] Bond ones. That would be sick."After which he'll hop into bed again with NBC, which just spent an undisclosed amount for broadcast rights to the 2009 US and world swimming championships. And then his movie breakthrough in fellow Baltimorean John Waters's Hairspray 2. Actually, we made that last part up. Just as long as he's not slapping hos with Carl Lewis, we don't even care.

• Phelps Sucks Face With Aussie [NY Post]
• Michael Phelps makes Olympic-sized splash with luxe Baltimore condo [NYDN]

Some are more challenging than others, but not knowing which Australian "recently dropped backstroke to focus on butterfly" or which American "has dominated his best stroke since 2001" (hint: not Michael Phelps!) hardly seems to detract from the guessing-game fun. All that's left now is to determine which of the fledgling Adonises will be first to attempt an unwitting, towel-snapping crossover opposite the latter-day equivalent of Steve Guttenberg and a diving dozen of West Village extras.

(Read more coverage of the 2008 Olympic Games.)

• Ab Fab: Guess the Swimmer [NBC]

Bronze, silver and gold medals awarded after the jump:

On the dais accepting his bronze medal is actor Leo Fitzpatrick, best known for his work in Kids and The Wire. As our tipster Alexis said, "Leo Fitzpatrick as Michael Phelps FTW. Down to the lisp."

No stranger to death-defying feats is our silver medalist, Jackass participant Steve-O (suggested by StylusPictures). However, we think drug testing would disqualify him.

Cue up the National Anthem and follow it with Emmy fanfare, because our gold medalist is none other than Saved By The Bell alum Dustin Diamond. An unconventional choice to be sure, but at least we know he likes getting nearly naked in front of a camera (and that he's probably into water sports). Congratulations to his very own Bela Karolyi, commenter everfade!

• PREVIOUSLY: help Us Cast the Michael Phelps Story [Defamer]

Sure, there are advocates for McSwimmin', but how about John Krasinski, who plenty of fans of The Office might like to see wearing a hydrodynamic speedo for two hours? However, if producers are willing to take a Todd Haynes-inspired flight of fancy, might we also recommend Will Smith? He's got the ears and the toned body, and we have no trouble imagining him as he mows down a fleet of zombie swimmers, accompanied by nothing but his trusty goldfish (and, of course, his loneliness).

• Olympic stars struggle in showbiz [THR]