I don't know whether it was because I was tired and cranky or because of another "here's some money, go to Mood and buy fabric and make something" challenge, but my Project Runway malaise settled in something fierce last night. And not something fierce like Christian Siriano would have cranked out. Something fierce and evil like one of Nicolas' outfits or Irinia's attitude.

This week, it was Ms. Michael Kors, Queen Tangerine herself, giving the designers something easy to do. That is, buy some fabric and make an outfit inspired by one of the places he loves. It's sad that they were all cities and not things like "The Mystic Tan Booth" and "The Bathroom of Debra Messing's Guest Cottage in the Hamptons," because that might have been challenging. Instead it was places like Greece—yes, the whole entire country—or St. Tropez and a bunch of other places these young, poor, struggling whippersnappers have never been to. Just like a long plane flight, I just want someone to wake me when it's over.

Things We Hated:

• Ms. Kors Flagship Store: Has this man never met a shade of ecru that he doesn't like? He's certainly worn plenty on his face, but he looked shockingly pale last night. Maybe it was just the bad lighting in his all-white store. We wouldn't shop there.
• Gordana's Outfit: Why was she wearing a Pucci-style print dress over a poorly fitting brown sweater? Both were horrible and they didn't look that much better together. It's like she woke up and decided, "I need to look trendy and cool like these kids. What can I throw together?" Better to look old, dowdy, and mother-of-the-bride (to quote Ms. Kors) than to wear this hideous concoction again.
• "Fashion Forward": Next to "Old Hollywood Glamour" this is a phrase always foreshadows something that makes us want to burn our eyelids shut forever. Nicolas used it last night and what he created was neither fashion, nor forward. "Fashion Forward" is like begining a sentence with "but" or "and." It's hard to pull it off, so you just tell first graders not to do it because if they try, they're going to mess it all up. Galliano is fashion forward. McQueen is fashion forward. Garreth Pugh is fashion forward. The rest of you are a bunch of first graders.
• Boys Room and Girls Room: Why do they insist on the boys and the girls sleeping in different apartments? It's like this is '70s sleep away camp. Are they afraid that Logan, Christopher, and Fat Kurt Cobain are going to get in a canoe and row across the lake in the middle of the night to steal Gordana's granny panties? There would be a whole lot more drama if everyone lived in the same loft. It's not like these gay boys are going to try to sleep with the girls. And even if Logan made a move on Carol Hannah, that would be the most exciting thing to happen since Tranny Meth had a breakdown in the first episode.
• Gordana's Necklace: Yeah, it was kind of cool, but this is not Project Jewelry Showroom, and the dress it was attached to sucked. If you can't use the Macy's Great Accessory Wall of Made In China, then you don't get to make jewelry.
• Milla Jovovich: This season the guest judge spot has been the best seat in the house, but last night Milla Jovovich sullied it with her shrill voice, annoying comments, and her affected fashion knowledge. Heidi said that she was a CFDA-nominated designer. Well, she was nominated in 2006 for a line she co-designed with Carmen Hawk. Her label, the creatively titled Jovovich-Hawk, hasn't had a new collection since Spring '08. So, stop thinking you're a real designer, Milla. You are on this show because you work for L'oreal, not because of your hippie frocks. Your job here is to nod your head, say two bitchy things, have no real observations, and leave the real assessment to Ms. Kors and Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Marie Claire Magazine.

Things We Loved:

• Reunited and It Feels Kinda Alright: Ms. Kors and Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Marie Claire Magazine were together again for the first time since the Ice Age, and it was very nice. There were no real fireworks or histrionics from either, but it was so comforting to have everything back to normal. It's like coming home for Thanksgiving freshman year of college and getting a big hug from your mom.
• My Mom: Speaking of my mom, she always says, "Michael Kors can't be that great of a designer. Whenever I go to TJ Maxx, they always have a ton of his crap!" That's so true. And we thought about that a lot last night, during the "Michael Kors Race to the Discount Racks Challenge."
• Logan Didn't Channel "Old Hollywood Glamor": Our old crush Logan pulled Hollywood as his inspiration destination, and he didn't even once think about going "OHG." His crappy outfit looked like something he fished out of his own closet, but bravo on the restraint.
• "I Guess You Could Wear It In Greece": This what Nicolas said about his outfit, which was supposed to be inspired by the cradle of civilization. It turned out to be about as Grecian as a bus tour of Turkey. Yes, it was a real turkey, but we love his blatant disregard for a really stupid challenge.
• Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Marie Claire Magazine Has Been Hanging Out With Drag Queens: She said the word "fantasy" three times last night. She never used to say this before. Fashion people don't use this word. Know who does? Drag queens! They love to conjure "the fantasy." During all those episodes she missed, NGFDMCM must have been hanging out at La Cage Aux Folles, and that is pretty rad.

In the end, Nicolas was sent home for his ode to a Grecian urn that looked like a mummy was attacked by a pair of discount Michael Kors pants from TJ Maxx. He really deserved to go home. As did Christopher. And probably Logan. If we're sending people packing, might as well put Gordana, Irina, Carol Hannah, and Althea on the kicked off express too. Not one of these outfits deserved to win. None of them was stunning or particularly inventive or attractive. I don't know if these guys aren't as talented as designers in other seasons, if they are under worse time constraints, if they're sad because they never know if Papa Kors and Mama NGFDMCM are going to show up to rescue them from sleep away camp—but whatever the reason is, they suck. At least when all the designers sucked last season we had Evil Queen Kenley to bring some drama, but this time we got two giggly blondes, two bitches, two clueless boys, and Gargamel. Not compelling television.

Oh, Irina won. Again.

Before we give up on this enterprise altogether (and really, we never would, because talking about how much Runway sucks is a whole lot more fun than talking about how much we love some other show), let's take a look at the videos and try to find some redemption, shall we?

Contents Under Pressure
Context: Crystopher (because he always crys!) and Fat Kurt Cobain are all in a tizzy because they have to design for Queen Tangerine. They will end up in the bottom two.
Vision: To come up with a dress that is going to wow a great American designer and doing it with a belt and some blouse that looks like a white venus flytrap eating a model.
Delusion: That Michael Kors is some great man who doesn't design exclusively for TJ Maxx.
What Would Nina Say?: "Sorry, Michael, but this is not the fantasy you were hoping for."
Dramometer: 2

Under the Gunn
Context: Tim Gunn tries to guide the once-promising Christopher to keep him from making another horrible creation. Tim tries so hard, but once he gives up, we shall all crumble beneath him.
Vision: To make a really cool belt that Milla Jovovich will go back to 1983 to buy and rip off.
Delusion: That this is Project Belt Shop. Make a good dress or go home. Epperson would gladly take over for you, and we would gladly welcome him back.
What Would Nina Say?: "This isn't a fantasy. It's a nightmare!"
Dramometer: 4

We're Friends. Really.
Context: The producers make everyone hang out so that something compelling might happen. All they really get is some footage to run under Fat Kurt Cobain talking about how much he loves everyone.
Vision: Nicholas believes that they are all friends and really talented.
Delusion: He's been talking shit about these people all season and saying how much they suck. They hate you, Kurt! You people are not friends. And you're not talented. Everything you say is a lie.
What Would Nina Say?: "Do you believe your own fantasy?"
Dramometer: 3

Runway Arrogance
Context: Carol Hannah watches her Palm Beach-inspired maxi dress walk down the runway.
Vision: To create a summery print dress that rich people will want to wear to the beach.
Delusion: It's nice, but not groundbreaking.
What Would Nina Say?: "For a minute, I was fantasizing that a hot blond guy named Pierre was bringing me an Orangina and vodka on the beach."
Dramometer: 3

Long Live the Queen
Context: While harshing on Logan's latest mediocre creation, Queen Tangerine hits the nail on the head. "They're clothes, they're not fashion." Welcome to season six, people.
Vision: Logan thinks he deserves to be designing for someone other than H&M. Also, zippers.
Delusion: Based on this showing, he's wrong. Also, zippers?!
What Would Nina Say?: "If you think I'm not going to strangle Milla, then you have a serious case of fantasy."
Dramometer: 5

The Cruelty of the World as Illustrated by Models of the Runway

Yes, we have a bunch of divorced brides on last night, and they wanted to turn their wedding dresses into something new and fashionable for a "new chapter" in their lives. Except some of the ladies were divorced more than a decade, so this outfit is more like the fourth book an author churns out to follow up on a successful trilogy 10 years after it was completed because he needs the money to pay his child support bills. Each of the designers got saddled with a "client" who got input into what they should make and they had a limited budget and limited amount of fabric, so they had to rely on the all dressed in white these ladies marched down the aisle to meet their ill-fated grooms.

Not a bad challenge, but we saw it before with fat brides who wanted a skinny outfit, and we liked it better then, because getting skinny is always a better cause for new couture than being single. And of course, having to listen to clients, especially in a wedding-related challenge is always a killer for some weak-willed designer who won't stand on their own.

What We Hated:

• Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Marie Claire Magazine: We never thought we'd say this, Nina, but we hate you. We hate your blithe disregard for not showing up to do your job. Yes, being on Runway is your real job. The only reason Marie Claire hired you was so that they could get their ass on the show and hopefully get some of that mojo that Elle acquired by placing itself in the center of every silly reality contest on the globe. That's right, NGFDMCM was absent again this week. The last time she was a judge was at the last Salem witch trial in 1692. And when you're gone, we're saddled with Second Assistant Headmistress Zanna Roberts, who we don't like, mostly because she's not you. It's time to wake up and go to work, Nina.
• Nicolas: Who is the most vile, untalented, lucky, and annoying person on this season? The answer is Fat Kurt Cobain. We will also accept Adult Chucky for partial credit. This week he even made an admittedly ugly outfit, and he gets away with impunity. Even when he won in the movie challenge, he robbed the victory from Christopher and Epperson. And then he talks shit about everyone else and has really bad hair. We hate him. And not in a fun way like we hate Santino and Kenley. In a bad way, like we hate Second Assistant Headmistress Roberts and Lifetime.
• Listening to the Client: Contestants on Runway that listen to the client are as stupid as the castaways on Survivor who don't learn how to make a fire before being stranded on a desert island. They are easy things to learn, and both will get you booted off the show something quick. So, for all future Runway contestants, I'm going to spell it out now: never listen to the client, dumbass. They are ugly untrained masses who probably buy polar fleece at Old Navy. They are like a 4 year old that wants ice cream for dinner, and you are a very stern mother who must tell them that, while that sounds fun, you'll be better off without it. Whip them up a nice tuna casserole, and they'll think it's tasty and Ms. Kors is always hungry, so she'll be happy you brought leftovers.
• The Macy's Accessory Wall: Please, stop making Tim Gunn tell us to go there every week. No one uses it, ever. And then, two designers grabbed a bag off of it this week when they had bad outfits, hoping that just having a purse up there might make Heidi and Co say "Wow, they used the Macy's Accessory Wall" and they would be so distracted they wouldn't see the trail of ugly before them. It didn't work. Also, it reminds me of Tamara Melon's daughter's dress-up box, which is full of tired and worn selections that no one really likes, but they trot them out just to have a laugh. That does not make me want to shop at Macy's.
• No One has a Point of View: There are a few talented designers on this season—like Irina, Shirin, Christopher, Epperson, and Althea—but I would never see a garment and say "Oh, that is a Shirin." Shit, I can still barely tell the difference between her and Irina! In the past, even the crappy designers had an aesthetic. Yes, sometimes it would get boring when Laura or Chloe would trot out similar things each week, but at least they had some personality.
• Models of the Runway: I know I vowed not to discuss it. But I hate this show more and more each week, and how they take precious time out of our Runway to promote it even when they aren't using the stupid models. If all the hatred in my heart wasn't occupied with lady vitamin commercials on Lifetime, this abomination would get even more.

Things We Loved:

• Tamara Melon: Again, the guest judge chair is a seat of honor. If this were a Valentine's episode of The Simpsons, we'd Choo-Choo-Choose You, Tamara. She is fair to the good designers, and delivers a stiletto to the throat of the horrible. Our new favorite guest judge. And how did they land a real designer like her? Oh, she works for Halston, which happens to be owned by The Weinstein Company. Oh, crafty!
• Heidi's Outfits: We may not know what to call Just Say Heidi, but she looked great last night. Maybe Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Marie Claire Magazine gives her bad fashion advice so that Heidi will look stupid on camera, and now that NGFDMCM is gone, she's improved.
• Fewer People, More Sewing: The best part of this show is watching talented people do something we could never do at home. Now that the pack has been thinned a bit, we don't have to spend as much time with all the dead weight and we can actually see a bit of the creative process.
• Everyone's Over Logan: Nothing about how hot he is this week, and his design sucked and his shiny pants couldn't save him. Here's what it feels like to be an ugly, Logan. Get used to it.
• Oktoberfest Moments: We heard this phrase more than once last night. We're sure calling outfits "moments" has been in fashion parlance for years, but in pop cultural parlance it started with Rachel Zoe—along with "bananas," "shut it down," and "I DIE!" Where is Zoe's show? Bravo! So, it just goes to show you, Lifetime, you can take your judges off of Bravo, but you can't take the Bravo out of your judges. Suck on that, lady vitamins!

In the end, Gordana justifiably won with her tattered dress made out of the lining of her bridal gown. When her client said she wanted something "punk rock" we thought, "Good luck!" But that was just the push this usually safe seamstress need to go from making something competent to making something great. Also, we learned why her hands are always black. It is because her brother is Gargamel, and he ships Smurfs back from the old country and she mashes them between her hands and then uses the juice to dye fabric. There is always a bit of pain in beauty. Shirina's dresses (that is both Shirin and Irina, since we can't tell them apart anyway) were both good, but not great.

Fighting for the night's ugliest award was Logan and Epperson, and it was our wise silent sage who went gently into that good night to clean up his workspace and go home. We bet he flipped off the camera and made a really ugly face on the way out, but never spoke a word. But really, everyone was competing for the ugly award last night, especially Fat Kurt Cobain who dressed his client up in another Oktoberfest nightmare, and he didn't even end up on the worst dressed list. Clearly he deserved a calling out more than Christopher, who also had an ugly bloated gown that looked like Laura Palmer when she was fished out of the river covered in plastic. Our Girl Althea made a rare misstep and Carol Hannah looked like she made something for the J. McCarroll line at JCPENNEY. A bunch of ugly, people. You all deserved a harsh drubbing.

Oh, and somebody got one. For more on Epperson, Evil Fat Kurt Cobain, and Oktoberfest, we are taking our steins to the videos in the biergarten. Prost!

Don't Listen to The Client
Context: Shirina meets with her model, and she wants a dress to perform in that is like Cher at the Oscars. Shirina makes the smart move of not listing to her. Never listen to the client, people!
Vision: A crazy, fashion-forward stripper ensemble that Bob Mackie would love.
Delusion: That a 23 year old straight girl will know what Cher "Half Breed" is. If she had said it to Fat Kurt Cobain, he would have said, "Work!" and tilted his head back and snapped his fingers and gotten out the feathers. He would have listened and gone home, and we would all rejoice by playing Cher songs.
What Would Tamara Mellon Say: "Darling, I just hate Cher, but I love her plastic surgeon."
Dramometer: 5

Under the Gunn
Context: Shirina is having a hard time grasping the challenge, and doesn't know what to make. Grampa Gunn offers her some advice and a Werther's Original.
Vision: That listening to Tim Gunn will save you.
Delusion: No delusion there. "Don't listen to the client" is as true as "Always listen to Tim." Shirina didn't win, but she came close.
What Would Tamara Melon Say: "Darling, I would offer you a job working for Halston, but you're prettier than me, and we can't have that."
Dramometer: 4

Smells Like Fat Kurt Cobain Spirit
Context: Nicolas is a turd. He tells his divorcee that his outfit looks great on her, and then calls it an ugly piece of shit behind her back. He's right. It is. She looks like a schizophrenic Ewok princess. Still, somehow, the judges don't rip him apart over this.
Vision: "But it's what she wanted."
Delusion: Fat Kurt, what did we tell you before. God, don't you people listen!
What Would Tamara Melon Say: "Darling, she looks like when my daughter dressed up as Swamp Thing for Halloween."
Dramometer: 5

Runway Arrogance
Context: Gordana watches her winning garment go for a stroll.
Vision: To rely on her skills as a seamstress and make something that is a little bit more wild and creative than usual.
Delusion: None. Gargamel will be so proud.
What Would Tamara Melon Say: "Darling, I think I stole this out of Vivianne Westwood's closet once at a party. I had too much coke and champagne and I probably shouldn't have, but it fit so well!"
Dramometer: 2

Judge, Jury, Executioner
Context: Epperson not only got the boot, but he got a beautiful tongue lashing from all the judges, except Second Assistant Headmistress Roberts. She is not allowed to speak. This one was harsh, and a classic. At least he didn't cry. Also, we love hearing Heidi speak German.
Vision: That no one is going to make fun of this crazy ass get up.
Delusion: The judges were delusional for sending Epperson home and not Logan with his ugly Oktoberfest vest and pants. How do you say "gross" in German?
What Would Tamara Melon Say: Watch for yourself!
Dramometer: 8

The Cruelty of Life as Illustrated by Models of the Runway

Last night we were back with a "go to Mood and buy some fabric and make a dress" except there was a twist: the fabric had to be blue! Not green or yellow or pink or beige, but blue—the color of lagoons, moons, and your face when you stubbornly yell at Runway to bring back Nina Garcia and they don't listen. They also had to make a holiday dress, which we thought at first meant it was going to be a parade of sweaters with little yarn Santas and bulbous Rudolphs, but the holiday thing, like a Christmas when you live in Who-ville, never came this year. Unless the holiday was Billie Holiday, cause she got some serious blues. Also, death. Poor girl.

So, the designers had to pitch designs to INC, the bargain brand for people who are too fancy to shop at JCPenney or Sears but really enjoy their prices and design aesthetic. It's also the in-house label for Macy's, famous for it's great unused accessory wall, and the people who pay the bills for this fair show. Has Runway ever made you want to go to Macy's or buy INC? That's what we thought. Well, maybe if you spent some money there they could afford to hire real designers and not poach our scared little fellows.

Things We Hated:

• Missing Judges, Week 17: This was the 19 trillionth episode in a row that Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Marie Claire magazine missed. Not only could they not get NGFDMCM, they also couldn't get Vice Principal Glassner. Instead, we got stuck with Second Assistant Headmistress Zanna Roberts, who has a name like a Wonder Twin, but talks like she is the daughter of the cafeteria worker at Hogwarts. We would say that getting stuck with her is like when the President and the Vice President can't come to the funeral and they send the first lady instead, but we would much rather have Michelle Obama sporting couture during our final moments above the ground than Barry or Joe, so we're not going to say that. We'll say that next time Ms. Kors needs a snack, he should eat her.
• The Great Orange Infection of 2009: We are beyond thrilled that Queen Tangerine decided to come back from his villa in Oompah Loompah land, but he seems to have brought with him a very virulent strain of discoloring fever from the Wonka Wilderness. All of the judges were his patented shade of fake tan last night, including Heidi, Assistant Headmistress Roberts, and that lady from INC who can't even wear a blazer that fits. Apparently, she got the Apricot Flu so badly it went to stage two—fashion dementia—because she thought it was OK to wear a cap-sleeved white blazer that won't close over her stomach on national television.
• Neck Doilies: They are just wrong, always.
• Team Challenges: Team challenges like this are the easiest way for mediocre designers to get promoted. So, the five best designs were chosen by the INC lady, which theoretcially means those are the five best designers for the challenge, and they each choose a teammate. You know that the team leaders are always the ones who go home, so the crappier designers who didn't get picked are all safe. Isn't that stupid? Also, if a crappy lady gets stuck with a visionary—like Uli's mom who got dragged across the finish line kicking and screaming by Irina—she gets to stay when someone like Kenley Jr. gets the boot. Not like KJ was any better than Gordana, but she was at least a little bit better. Right?
• Bitchy Tim: Grampa Gunn hates L.A. There is too much sun and people wear flip flops in public and he has to drive a car. It's horrible, and he's taking it out at work. He snapped over leggings, and got bitchy with Kenley Jr for losing her money, and this continues a pattern of our mentor getting a little snippy. Where's our old lovable Grampa G who would give us Werther's Originals and tell us stories about what really goes on back stage at fashion week. Come back!
• Loving Logan: We dumped Logan. This is the second week in a row that we got a montage about how cute he is and whenever all the girls in the work room are around him, all they can do is hang their hands and giggle while covering their mouths going, "I don't know," like he's some handsome stranger asking a group of Japanese schoolgirls for directions on the Tokyo subway. Thinking he's cute is just a cliche.
• Crying!: Hey Chris, we were about to ask you to go steady since we dumped Logan and all, but you have a chin strap beard thing, made a neck doily, and then you cried at judging. This is only acceptable if you are going to have full-scale, blubbering meltdown like season two's Andre. We want no party of your paltry little tears. If you want to make a spectacle, that's fantastic, but trying to hold it back just makes you look pathetic.

Things We Loved:

• Ms. Kors, Our Burnt Sienna Savior: This is why you hired this man in the first place, people, and why he needs to be here every week. He came back from his sabbatical and not only dropped the line about Kenley Jr.'s dress looking like it was attacked by a loofah, but then he totally eviscerates Chris with a simple flick of his limp wrist. Well done, Ms. Kors.
• Irina and Nicolas: While it's still nearly impossible to distinguish Irina from Shirin, the producers have figured out the difference: she's the bitchy one. Almost as bitchy as Nicolas. These are the two they turn two when they need catty comments about the other designers. Neither is as pithy as Jay McCarroll or as egotistically original as Christian Siriano, but their barbs are a welcome distraction from all the lousy design that is going on this season.
• Sorority Wars Commercials: If we have to watch Lifetime's horrible vagina-based advertisements each week (welcome back, lady vitamins), we are glad that the boring promos for Joan Allens very serious Georgia O'Keefe and the Secrets of Lady Flowers Brought to You By Secret have been replaced by this bit of pop trash starring Alison from Melrose Place. That's much more our speed.

In the end, Kenley Jr (nee Louise), was sent home for her misuse of Ruffles. Apparently, Heidi likes pork rinds, Michael Kors is a Doritos man, and Assistant Headmistress Roberts doesn't eat because she works at a fashion magazine. They held the threat of a double elimination over our heads, and we think that we would gave gotten one if, say, Louise and wise old sage Epperson were on the same team, but she was saddled with Fat Kurt Cobain, who won immunity last week, so she was the only one cleaning up her work space.

The winners were Shirin Irina and Gordana whose outfits were just boring enough to actually be in Macy's. Really not one of the looks was overly appealing last night. If you're going to get a boring old brand to pay the bills, you're going to get at least one boring ass challenge each year. Maybe in the future we can have the Gareth Pugh chain mail accessories and dove-shaped hats wall. At least then the designers could make asymmetrical frocks with boobs hanging out.

So, if you want to see some '70s stewardess dresses and Ms. Kors acid tongue, then get yourself to the videos!

Sold My Soul to the Company Store
Context: The designers pitch their ideas to some lady from INC. She smiles and nods and doesn't say much.
Vision: They are going to get international recognition for making a dress that will be sold in Macy's!
Delusion: That they are going to bring their individual talents to a brand that is more like an infinite number of seamstress monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters, and ends up with a bunch of pissed off seamstress monkeys who don't know how to type.
What Would Ms. Kors Say: "She looks like Farrah Fawcett came back from the dead as a brain-dead alcoholic!"
Dramometer: 3

Under the Gunn
Context: Tim Gunn schools Carol Hannah and IrinaShirin on his hatred of leggings.
Vision: That a bitchy quip from Grampa Gunn can cease the tide of skintight trousers.
Delusion: Have you been to New York lately, Tim. They're everywhere! Oh, sorry, you're stuck in L.A. Nevermind.
What Would Ms. Kors Say: "Your legs look like two pork sausages stuffed in an aubergine casing!"
Dramometer: 6

Righteous about Ruffles
Context: Louise is forcing Fat Kurt Cobain to make a dress with ruffles.
Vision: He's taking orders because he has immunity and wants her to fuck up so badly she gets thrown off. Like a Magic Eight Ball with limp hair, Fat Kurt has got some serious vision.
Delusion: That he stands a chance of winning even with her gone.
What Would Ms. Kors Say: "It looks like a loofah attacked your dress!"
Dramometer: 5

Runway Arrogance
Context: Carol Hannah and Irina (Shirin? Oh, who cares...) watch their looks walk down the runway. They are the best of the bunch.
Vision: Retro stewardess is going to be super hot this year. Quick, put your tray table in the upright position and grab a Pan Am bag from the Macy's accessory wall.
Delusion: Not so much.
What Would Ms. Kors Say: "This is very chic. If you got in a time machine and went back to when I was in fashion school and snorting lines of blow with Halston in the bathroom at 54."
Dramometer: 2

Queen Tangerine's Reign of Infamy
Context: Michael Kors shows us how the experts rip apart two outfits in under 45 seconds. Christopher cries.
Vision: That you reinvented the shirt dress.
Delusion: That you can survive Queen Tangerine after her punny wrath has been bottled up due to 978 weeks of absence.
What Would Ms. Kors Say: Watch the damn video! It's a classic.
Dramometer: 9

The Cruelty of Life as Illustrated on Models of the Runway

Ugh, don't even get us started on Ms. Kors and Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Marie Claire Magazine. They are the laziest people on all of reality television and that includes the dolts on Big Brother who have nothing to do but lie around in a house for three months and pick stupid fights with each other. Instead, let us focus on the positive, because last night was the second good episode in a row! We've finally gotten to the point where most of the dead weight is gone and there is time to learn about the designers and who they are and how they work.

The producers also came up with another good challenge, even though it was of the "go to Mood and buy the fabric" variety, at least everyone had to work within a movie genre. Designers had to make an outfit for a character in an imaginary film and come up with a silly story for who their character was. Considering a noted fashion designer once told us that the inspiration for his collection that season was "a bohemian girl's aristocratic grandmother dies and she goes to the estate house she just inherited and throws a huge part for all her friends," this could come in handy in the real world.

Things We Hated:

• The Fucking Judges: OK, now we're getting started. Ms. Kors and NGFDMCM didn't show up again. This is Nina's third consecutive absence and Ms. Kors has been gone since the fourth episode of season three. Here is why this is pissing me off this week. All Runway fans were a little wary of this season, on a new network and by new producers. We were talking about how it was going to suck and how it would be all different before the season even aired. We needed our bitchy guides to help us navigate our way through the storm. And where are they? They're not here! We are adrift. And if the people who work for this show can't be bothered to show up for it, then why the hell should we? Let's just give up like Queen Tangerine and his bitchy lady in waiting. We can always watch the Real Housewives of Atlanta instead and Nene wouldn't give up being on camera for a whole mountain of leprechaun's gold.
• Vice Principal Glassner: I did not have to look up Zoe Glassner's name or how to spell it this week. That annoyed me. Also, she is boring. Same goes for John Varvatos, who is supposed to be the rock 'n' roll designer, but he was more like an ambient trance remix of an Air Supply song.
• Fat Kurt Cobain: Nicolas is slimy. He is gross and slimy and he talks shit about the other contestants. We usually love that, but when he does it, it sort of feels like he's the shifty guy in prison who thinks he's so much better than everyone even though his fat face and limp hair look just as bad in an orange jumpsuit.
• Collier Strong: Every year the makeup man comes to work his wonders. We do not like him because he is neither crazy nor mean. If you can't be one of these, then you must go back to civilian life and leave reality TV alone. Also, he looks like a gay John Locke from Lost.
• Carol Hannah: Bitch, you better step the fuck off my man. I swear to God, I will steal all your bobbins and make your life a living hell. And while you're at it, pick a name. You only get one. Just ask Epperson.
• Liking Straight People: Call it homosexual bias or what you will, but I always root for the gay people to win reality shows. Usually they lose, cause there is only one or two, but on Runway there is a fighting chance they could win, since every contestant with a penis has had another man's in his hand at some point. This year, the straight guys are far better than the gays. I am in lust with Logan, who is an adequate designer with a slamming body. Epperson is wise like a black fashion Merlin when they don't put him on mute. I'm starting to think that Christopher is straight too, because it is not physically possible for a God-fearing homosexual to shave a chin strap onto his face. My ex-boyfriend tried once and some reflex on the gay gene kicked in and made him slit his throat instead. Now he is dead.

Things We Loved:

• Heidi's Blue Dress: Usually Heidi dresses like shit and is pregnant, so we don't pay much attention to her. Last night when she introduced the challenge she had on this awesome formfitting navy dress that blew us away. Way to dress, Heidi. Since you're the only judge at least we know you have some fashion credibility.
• The Guest Judge: Following in the footsteps of that bitchy lady who tried to steal Logan and Eva Longoria-Parker, costume designer Arianne Phillips was a revelation last night. She was knowledgeable, fair, and gave an honest appraisal of how the costumes would actually work in a movie. Sarah Jessica Parker must have farted in that chair, cause everyone who has been in it this season has worn her stink well.
• Old Hollywood Glamour: No one used the most cliched and meaningless of all fashion phrases! In a challenge about the movies! The restraint is amazing.
• Christopher: He turns it out every week. This week's creation was another stunner. And he's cute. If he shaved his face, we'd even let Carol Hannah have Logan and run away with him and have a Vampire wedding in Massachusetts or Bon Temps where such things are legal.
• DVR: Watching the Lifetime version of Runway without its lady vitamin and pee stick commercials was a wonderful blessing. But now we can't pick on their crappy commercials!

So, in the end, it was Ra'Mon and his superfluous apostrophe that got sent home. We were a little shocked. We thought Kenly Jr.'s bangs were going to have to get back in her time machine and travel back to the era that she designs from, but she was spared to accuse people of stealing her bobbins another day. Even her boring time warp weren't as bad as Ra'Mon's sci-fi outfit that looked like a stupid sorority girl trying to rock a Sexy Sleestak (Skeezestak?) costume for Halloween.

Fat Kurt was the winner, and we can't disagree, though we would have given the title to either Christopher, whose crazy vampire bride inspired period costume was amazing in its ruffled majesty. Epperson made the most of getting stuck with the Western category and made this awesome ruffley denim thing with a big brown belt that looked like it could have won an Oscar for Renee Zellweger in Cold Mountain. We say this every week, but Our Girl Althea's simple film noir number with a cute white shrug made us want to rent Double Indemnity. Irina did a great job on her lacy gown that made us notice how hot a model's ass was. Now that is a miracle.

To inspect some other little miracles and watch Ra'Mon's slide into Skeezstak shame, to the videos.....

Give Me, Give Me Back My Man
Context: Carol Hannah and her 17 names are trying to steal Logan.
Vision: That we are going down without a fight.
Delusion: Sorry, sweetie, but Logan is a monogamist. He is not going to have a threeway with both Carol and Hannah.
What Would Vice Principal Glassner Say: "I wrote down, 'Don't mess with him.'"
Dramometer: 3

Under the Gunn
Context: Ra'Mon wants to make a crazy lizard jumpsuit, and Tim Gunn lets him know that it's going to be a big fat mess. Or beautiful. Maybe.
Vision: That it will be beautiful.
Delusion: A green leather jumpsuit? Come on. Winning with a jumpsuit on Project Runway is like winning with a deep-fried turd ceviche on Top Chef.
What Would Vice Principal Glassner Say: "I wrote down, 'I don't like green.'"
Dramometer: 4

Meltdown of the Week
Context: Ra'Mon finally figures out that his jumpsuit is a delusional idea and that he only has two hours to make something that won't get him laughed out of this dimension.
Vision: That he can make something great in two hours and repeat his upset victory when he pulled that gored squid outfit out of his ass in the surf challenge. Remember that bitchy judge with the crazy accent who got fired from Elle really liked it. What was her name?
Delusion: That the Skeezstak is any better.
What Would Vice Principal Glassner Say: "I wrote down, 'I'd rather eat a fried turd ceviche.'"
Dramometer: 6

Runway Arrogance
Context: Christopher watches his sexy Van Helsing creation saunter down the runway.
Vision: Merchant/Ivory does Twilight. Brilliant.
Delusion: That he will actually beat Fat Kurt's feathered icicle.
What Would Vice Principal Glassner Say: "I wrote down, 'Almost good enough to win.'"
Dramometer: 3

Back Talk
Context: Louise tries to explain her limp dress. Then she says that she's glad that she's in either the top or the bottom because this is the first feedback she's gotten.
Vision: The '20s by the way of the '40s? Does she realize how retarded she sounds? Also, that something that these sad replacements have to say will actually save her. Well, maybe it does.
Delusion: Oh, Kenley Jr. Feedback isn't going to save you. Maybe having a better vision will.
What Would Vice Principal Glassner Say: "I wrote down, 'Keep poisoning Nina's coffee so I can continue to be on TV.'"
Dramometer: 4

The Cruelty of Life as Chronicled on Models of the Runway

Well, you can expect pretty much the same. Heidi will speak with her telephone operator of doom voice, Tim Gunn will gather the kids around, fashion dominatrix Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Elle Marie Claire magazine will say something bitchy, and Michael Kors will cackle his little cackle and all the children will run and hide.

Of course, they are now in L.A. at the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising instead of Parsons and there's a new magazine sponsor (way to get fired, Nina!), but they will still shop at Mood and send the models to that palace of beauty, the L'Oreal Paris Makeup Room. Oh, and let us not forget about the All-Star Challenge before the premiere with all of your favorite returning contestants, and the new show Models of the Runway which follows the runway drones do something other than show off the designs. Just what, we're still not sure.

The only variable is always the contestants, who we'll all probably hate tomorrow, except for the ones we love, and we will hate them by the middle of next week.

Speaking of contestants, the finalists' collections were already shown at Fashion Week last February, so the whole world has already seen them (and you can too). There are only three, which means there is no fourth collection to throw off the dogs about who is in and who is out, or in a cruel twist of fate, there are only two finalists and Lifetime has outsmarted us all. We have a hard time believing that.

So, we peeped the looks and compared them to the designer's portfolio's on the show's site and we think we have sussed out just who we're going to be stuck with until the skinny lady sings.

Collection 1: Lots of knits and black pants and leggings. Zero color. There's a bit of inventive draping, but there are also those stupid little gloves that don't even go to the wrist. It belongs to:

Logan Neitzel, lover of John Galliano. He uses the same shiny fabrics, muted colors and over-sized flourishes. Plus, he looks like the kind of boy who would love those stupid gloves.

Collection 2: Lots of draping without a bow, flounce, belt, or asymetrical doo-dad over one shoulder that it doesn't like. It belongs to:

Viviane Westwood wannabe Althea Harper, who uses just as much embellishment and loves something over only one shoulder. Just look at the picture.

Collection 3: It is black like the tortured heart of a poet. There are lots of pants and shredded things. Oh, and stupid hats. It belongs to:

Irinia Shabayeva, who channels Jean Paul Gaultier. She also loves black, and pants and crazy-shaped pants. Though, she does look too fabulous for those hats.

Boomp3.com

Backstage at the Michael Kors fashion show, Hollywood legend Bette Midler offered a bit of advice to up and coming Gossip Girl star Blake Lively. Midler knew that Lively was probably wearing a Kors design, but mentioned to her that her hemline could've been a bit longer. Midler said, "Honey, it's far too early in your career to pull a Julianna Margulies. You don't have to be a old lady who's in her thirties just yet, but right above the knee is nice length for you to wear. Classy and sexy." Lively chuckled as she told Milder that she was going to write that bit of advice down on her Blackberry.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

• Project Runway [Bravo]