Suddenly the Universe is a very cold and empty place.

• Apparently we are not a nation of people waiting for Amanda Woodward to return to Melrose Place. Heather Locklear's trip back to the series did little to ease its struggles, lifting its gruesome ratings by a mere 15 percent to a 0.8 rating in the 18 - 45 demo. [Hollywood Reporter]

• Meanwhile, just as the world was sending its mocking obituaries to the printers, guess who's having a good week? Jay Leno is up five percent this week, "matching its highest ratings in six weeks." [Hollywood Reporter]

• With two and a half months to go, the Super Bowl's ad space is almost sold out. CBS reports a 90 percent sell-out rate thus far, meaning only six slots are still available. Like everything else these days, Super Bowl ad sales are being viewed as a barometer of the nation's economic health. [Ad Age]

• A Writers Guild report of diversity among its ranks finds "little if any improvement" for the prospects of women and minority writers. Variety writes that the report "found that women scribes remain stuck at 28% of TV employment and 18% in features while the minority share has been frozen at 6% since 1999." [Variety]

• Jennifer Hudson will play Winnie Mandela, the ex-wife of the ex-South African President Nelson Mandela in Winnie, a biopic to be directed by Darrell J. Roodt, maker of Cry the Beloved Country. [Variety]

• Roger Ebert may be off the airwaves, but his influence lives on, remarkably, as the online buzz king. A survey by Nielsen of which critics dominate the internet reveals that Ebert remains a goliath online, crushing all the competition combined. [thehotblog]

• Making 2012's grosses look like the change fallen under the cushions of your sofa, the video game Call of Duty : Modern Warfare 2 reported sales of more than $550 million in the first week of its release. The LA Times puts production costs on the game in the $40 - $50 million range (a fraction of 2012 or Avatar), putting its total budget including marketing somewhere around $200 million. Who's in the wrong business now, movie people? [LA Times]

• Lovely Bones director Peter Jackson told a reporter that, despite his PG-13 rating he had upped the violence in his upcoming film after early test screening audiences "were simply not satisfied" with the depiction of a character's death. [Hitfix]

• Nikki Finke reports that investor Carl Icahn has been snatching up MGM bonds like "A bat out of hell." [Deadline]

• The LA Times reports further on Disney's heroic decision to pull the plug on McG's attempt to America's memories of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea with his remake. The paper writes that execs saw the project, scripted by novelist Michael Chabon as "too dark" and that they will take another stab at it somewhere down the line. [LA Times]

• With fans already camped out awaiting its Friday opening, New Moon, the latest installment in the Twilight cycle, has already broken its first record, becoming the all-time leader in advance ticket sales, according the Fandango's rankings. The ticket seller reports that a full 86 percent of its sales over the past week were for New Moon. The US government has advised all citizens to prepare a safe room in their homes that will be kept free of all media, warning the incoming vampire tsunami over the next week will overrun every available crevice of television, newspapers, magazines, internet and human speech, flooding the populace with a deluge Twilight propaganda. [Deadline]

• Use whatever big bang metaphor you like, 2012 did that at the box office this weekend, hauling in $225 million worldwide. Precious also impressed on a much smaller scale, taking the number four slot with $6.1 million while running on only 174 screens. The weekend also gave some hope to Disney's promise that A Christmas Carol would prove to have legs through the holiday season despite its tepid opening. Carol dropped off a mere 26 percent from its opening weekend. [Variety]

• The Academy of Motion Pics met in a low-key, old fashioned, just-among-friends ceremony to give out its special awards off-camera this year. Special Oscars were handed to Lauren Bacall, cinematographer Gordon Willis and producers Roger Corman and John Calley. The evening was full of low-key speeches and tableside toasts to the honorees. Warren Beatty heralded the wonder of attending an Oscar event where "Nobody's worried whether 36.9 million people are watching us, or 29.2 million." The off-camera nature of the event apparently inspired the stars to their most-long winded heights. Time it took to hand out four awards: three and a half hours. [NY Times]

• Variety chronicles the keeping the trains running resigned mood at MGM as the company waits to be auctioned off and wonders whether it will continue to be a standalone studio. While the wait goes on, development work continues on The Hobbit, James Bond 23 and a Poltergeist reboot. Audiences will rejoice at the news that the studio is guaranteeing it will release the already completed Red Dawn, Hot Tub Time Machine and a 3D retelling of Cabin in the Woods. [Variety]

• Mediaweek reports on "Growing Pains at Hulu." The portal is apparently demonstrating why joint ventures in show biz are fraught propositions as conflicts have been springing up between the ABC, NBC and Fox staffs whose companies co-founed the site. [MediaWeek]

• Taylor Swift applied the final throttle to her death-grip hold over entertainment last night, sweeping the Country Music Association Awards. According to The Envelope awards site, at 19, Swift became the youngest person in history to take home the Entertainer of the Year trophy (actually the full name for the award is Coveted Entertainer of the Year Trophy.) She is also only the sixth female in history to take that top prize. While she was at it, Swift grabbed the Female Vocalist, Album of the Year and Music Video of the Year prizes. With her goliath of an album still selling, positive buzz from SNL appearance and the lingering sympathy from her Kayne debacle, entertainment stands at a crossroads from where Swift will either become the only star in show business, or be destroyed by a vicious backlash, no doubt led by cheer captains fed up with this bleacher-sitting, t-shirt wearing nerd thinking she owns this place. Paris Hilton, are you still out there? [The Envelope]

• We have a new video game overlord. The latest Call of Duty (Call of Duty 2: Modern Warfare) sold 4.7 million games on its first day out. That would be $310 million dollars in sales. In one day. Take that James Cameron. [Hollywood Reporter]

• The NFL has declared itself happy with its current line-up of TV deals, with Giants owner Steve Tisch saying at a media conference, "Right now, we feel DirecTV as the exclusive partner is really in the consumers' best interest." [Hollywood Reporter]

• Show biz's most hallowed name MGM, is headed for a fire sale. After a catastrophic few years, the company's debt holders have reportedly demanded it be auctioned off to the highest bidder. [Variety]

• Taking the next step forward in Robert Iger's full-on shake up of the entire Disney studio operation, newly installed Chairman Rich Ross announced a re-org of his team, making the various department heads report directly to him. Still to come: the much anticipated announcement of a new marketing chief. [Variety]

• Like it or not, more Fockers are heading your way. Harvey Keitel has joined the cast of the latest installment of the Meet the Parents cycle, hilariously titled Little Fockers. [Hollywood Reporter]

Friedman has had it out for Valkyrie for months, culminating in his omission from press-screening invitations issued around the beginning of December. Studio reps said at the time that Friedman had already made up his mind and MGM/UA didn't owe him anything ("Screenings are a privilege, not a right," marketing boss Mike Vollman told Patrick Goldstein); ever the professional, Friedman included Valkyrie among his Worst Films of 2008 despite not having seen it, forced to expense the ticket to Fox and join the unwashed masses on opening day.

Surprise! He hates it. Not that you should care, except for the part where he lies, perhaps libelously so. For your convenient reference, we've responded to some of Friedman's more outrageous claims with a bit of context and/or reality checks:

"I’m more concerned that Valkyrie could represent a new trend in filmmaking: Nazi apologia."

Yes, Valkyrie is a pretty gutsy move toward defending the honor of Nazis — particularly the central plot to deceive and kill Adolf Hitler and eradicate his leadership from Germany's governance. Way to call it, Rog.

"Cruise plays Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg — referred to in this film constantly as “Stauffenberg”— as if to make him sound less German or something."

Exactly. Reference to Cruise's character as "Stauffenberg" decidedly downplays his German heritage. Everyone involved should be ashamed for forcing this linguistic quirk down audience's throats.

On top of that, there is the matter of the uniforms and the set design. Suddenly, we have German officers in World War II who are not wearing arm bands. Their swastikas are now small tokens on chests of medals. They look more like airline pilots than Nazi soldiers. When they meet, it looks like they’re at a lovely retreat in the Adirondacks.

Indeed, the lack of Nazi insignia affirms the historical accuracy that Colonel von Stauffenberg was not a member of the Nazi party. Not all German soldiers were Nazis, nor all Nazis soldiers. As far as their meeting locations, Hitler did have a redoubt or 12 in the woods, of which vast portions of Germany are composed. Clearly from Hitler's depiction in Valkyrie, the setting did not assuage his paranoia, treachery, incompetence or sense of imminent doom.

Director Bryan Singer is so sparing with his Nazi flags, swastikas, etc that you’d think the Nazis hardly existed. What’s everyone so upset about anyway?

Unfamiliar with the act of purchasing a movie ticket, Friedman apparently arrived late to his Valkyrie screening, missing the title sequence's slow unveiling over the billowing red, white and black fabric of a Nazi flag. He may also have left early, skipping the [SPOILER ALERT] Nazi siege of Stauffenberg's coup HQ and their subsequent assassination of the resistance.

Because in Valkyrie Singer opens the door to a dangerous new thought: that the Holocaust and all the other atrocities could be of secondary important [sic] to the cause of German patriotism. Not once in Valkyrie do any of there [sic] “heroes” mention what’s happening around them, that any of them is appalled by or against what they know is happening or has happened: Hitler has systemically killed millions in the most barbaric ways possible to imagine.

We're certainly not here to downplay the Holocaust, but as it pertains to Valkyrie's plot — which is explicitly about terminating history's worst monster — Hitler and all that he stands for are the collective Scourge of German Honor. Would Friedman have preferred no conspiracy to kill Hitler, and thus a couple dozen fewer German politicians and officers wishing to end World War II and, thus, the Holocaust? And yes, not coincidentally, defend Germany from further disgrace. We know you're a fan of revisionist history, Rog, but seriously: From here, please leave the movies to the experts.

• Is Horrible 'Valkyrie' Tom Cruise's Nazi Apologia? [Fox News]

MGM is paying dearly for the rest according to the NY Post, which reports today that the studio has spent $70 million marketing the Tom Cruise thriller in advance of its Christmas opening. That's about twice the average promotional budget for a studio opening expected to gross less than $100 million, putting Valkyrie's total cost at close to $160 million. Remedial Hollywood math thus suggests that MGM and Cruise's United Artists require at least a $275 million theatrical gross to break even after exhibitors take their cut, which seems... unlikely, however much better the film is than we initially feared.

MGM tells the paper its spending is in line with the average, and the campaign will doubtless also trickle down to DVD and the studio's waning output deal with Showtime. Still, for what UA takes from MGM's coffers versus what it puts back, the Valkyrie returns hint that Cruise may yet have a $15 million Sundance entry in his future just to even things out. More on Valkyrie — including pinpoint-accurate opening-gross predictions, as always — in tomorrow's Defamer Attractions weekend preview.

• Doubling Down [NYP]

Star-Ledger writer Stephen Whitty, the chair of the NY Film Critics Circle, suggested last week that MGM still wasn't serious about pushing Valkyrie for awards season despite moving its release up to Dec. 25. it was a better date than that Feb. 13, 2009, dump job planned before Paula Wagner's departure, but the release date was less important to critics than when they could see it for their own awards consideration.

And with the first official press screenings taking place after Whitty's organization votes, that can only mean one thing: MGM and United Artists have no faith in their $90 million Tom Cruise Nazi epic. Of course! Isn't that what you derived from that strategy?

Us neither. In fact, MGM has been screening Valkyrie informally for media on both coasts since at least September, and either way, the film was an awards-season write-off for months among many of the same newspaper and online critics whose senses of entitlement are now somehow offended. MGM can't win for losing, though its beleaguered marketing VP Mike Vollman can at least send along another spirited defense:

When did a december release date mean that a film exists first and foremost for award consideration? And when did film criticism become a competitive sport, with deadlines, rankings, winners and losers.? We want valkyrie to be judged on it's [sic] own, not as one of a cramped herd of dissimilar artistic endeavours lumped together unfairly due to the vagaries of the calendar and the marketplace. Valkyrie is eligible for every guild honor, from ampas to ves, and will be on every single nomination ballot. If members of the entertainment community wish to honor it, they will be able to do so. We hope they do as the work is excellent and deserves recognition.

Fine — they can sort it out themselves. And anyway, who cares? We're all really just waiting for Ben Lyons's take, anyway.

• `Valkyrie' surrenders [Star-Ledger]

• `Valkyrie' fires back [Star-Ledger]

The Hollywood Reporter notes that Russell Crowe and Mel Gibson were among the names once circling the project, a nifty batshit tandem we hope remains viable so many years on. (We share another writer's disappointment that newly retired Joaquin Phoenix won't be around to join them.) Peter Farrelly told Variety, meanwhile, that American Idol-style auditions will be held to discover the next Curly, "the most physically gifted member of the trio," and scuttled rumors that Farrelly alum Jim Carrey would add 150 pounds in an Oscar-chasing Method binge as the stoutest Stooge.

The trades offer conflicting details about the film's "plot" as it were: either three vignettes of 25-30 minutes apiece or four vignettes of 20 minutes apiece, with THR citing another contest commissioning briefer comedy shorts that would precede the main feature. MGM has production chief Cale Boyter overseeing what would be his first actual production since fleeing New Line last spring; the tentative Nov. 20, 2009 release date places The Three Stooges in theaters directly opposite Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes.

And according to Farrelly, the male-skewing ad campaign is already on:

"When the economy started turning, we felt like the world could use a Stooges slapfest. Bobby and I haven't done a real physical comedy in a while, and it's the most exciting thing we could think of now, to have people go to the movie, see some great slapstick fun family humor." [...]

"We love the Stooges and honor their memory, and we don't want them to disappear. We hope that next Thanksgiving, dads will introduce their kids to the Stooges and create a new generation of knuckleheads."

At least until the MPAA comes along and slaps on an R-rating for "language and intense, sustained scenes of graphic violence." Don't think they won't, either.

• Stooges go back to roots with MGM [THR]

• Farrellys to direct 'Three Stooges' [Variety]

Boomp3.com

Leaving his Manhattan apartment, Tom Cruise claimed that his edgy and stylized haircut was not the result of months of focus group testing, but rather the result of sleeping on the wrong side of the bed last night. Cruise said, “The MGM research department did not meet with my hair squad to create a haircut to maintain popular internet buzz amongst gamers and bloggers. It’s windy and a bit cold this afternoon.” Cruise also mentioned that he might have used a bit too much hair gel before leaving his apartment.

Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

——————

Please be advised that MGM Tower has received a possible bomb threat. Building Management and the Los Angeles Police Department have been notified. As a precaution, MGM has decided to evacuate our space effective immediately. Please take all personal belongings with you and do not congregate in front of MGM Tower or anywhere else on the property. You will be evacuated by your Floor Wardens.

Please call the MGM Hotline at 1:00 p.m. to receive further instruction prior to returning to MGM Tower. The number is [redacted].

Official MGM correspondence follows after the jump. Be careful, Lions!

——— Forwarded Message
From: [redacted]
Date: Fri, 26 Sep 2008 11:35:16 -0700
To: MGM ALL
Conversation: Building Evacuation
Subject: Building Evacuation

Please be advised that MGM Tower has received a bomb threat. Building Management and the Los Angeles Police Department have been notified. As a precaution, we have decided to evacuate the building effective immediately until approximately 2:00 pm. You will be evacuated by your Floor Wardens.

Please call the MGM Hotline for an all-clear prior to returning to the MGM Tower at 2:00 pm, the number is [redacted].

###

It's fairly speculative for now, with MGM reportedly acknowledging the break-up to The Business Sheet and TWC staffers cranking the Muzak lest they hear the press ringing their phone ringing off the hook. (Or, more officially, Weinstein reps were not available for comment.) What we do know is that Harvey isn't capitalized enough to market and distribute Porno, The Reader and any of the five films in between — The Road, Killshot (a recent shelf-rescue capitalizing on star Mickey Rourke's Wrestler buzz), Fanboys, Crossing Over and Shanghai — without some outside help. And that's not counting the putative Oscar campaigns planned for at least The Road and The Reader, the latter of which film's embattled '08 release (it's not even finished, for Christ's sake) is looking decreasingly likely by the day.

We're also tempted to wonder what kind of hand Rudin might have had in pulling MGM's plug, but let's face it: He's too busy for sabotage, and the fraught MGM/TWC relationship didn't need him to push it over the cliff when Harry Sloan and Harvey were disintegrating just fine by themselves. Moreover, MGM has its own December delivery to worry about with UA's bumped-up Valkyrie — even more potential awards-season fodder (or so it hopes) that didn't need competition from Kate Winslet's own WWII Nazi drama. And its not like these were blockbusters; MGM did all right collecting its cut from joint releases like the $70 million sleeper 1408, but what does it lose hacking off The Road or Zack and Miri — an R-rated comedy with stick figures on the poster — at the knees?

Answers are forthcoming, believe us. For know, all we really know for sure is that this totally screws up our bold prediction for Harvey's return to supremacy.

• MGM Showing First Signs Of Weinstein Breakup [The Business Sheet]

STATEMENT FROM METRO-GOLDWYN-MAYER STUDIOS INC.

LOS ANGELES, CA August 25, 2008 — Contrary to recent media reports, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios Inc. (MGM) is not for sale. There is no "asking price" for the company. MGM's existing financing arrangements are sufficient to meet its needs. Goldman, Sachs has been retained to explore enhancements to MGM's long-term capital structure. All of the MGM shareholders, including Providence Equity Partners, TPG, Sony Corp. Of America and Comcast Corp, are pleased with the Company's current momentum and are committed to the future growth of the studio.

"Enhancements to ... long-term capital structure"? Isn't that what selling is? In any event, we'll give the shareholders the benefit of the doubt; the principals have every reason to be "pleased with the company's current momentum," with the minor exception of Heather O'Rourke's outstanding request to God to burn the studio to the ground before it can remake Poltergeist. That will no doubt affect the asking price, which insiders place around an overvalued $5.2 billion that would likely keep the Lion in his same fetid den for at least another year. At least someone could come groom him every once in a while; we hear Kerkorian loves cats. Or at least certain feline parts — where on Leo's body would his library be?

• More speculation over MGM sale [THR]
• MGM: On the Block, Again [BusinessWeek]

Dear God,

Hi, God, it's me, Heather O'Rourke — the little girl from Poltergeist. How's tricks? I know how busy you must be dealing with the whole Isaac Hayes thing right now (my vote: let him in!), but when you get a second, I was hoping I might ask you for just one tiny little favor. It would really mean a lot, and I've been really good all these years and haven't requested anything except for that pony, but that was, like, 20 years ago when I first got here, and you never got back to me. No probs, though, God — I'm kinda glad it didn't work out, because now I need you to do me a much more important solid: Can you please smite the people responsible for this planned remake of Poltergeist?

I don't quite know how these things work; Brad Renfro told me you helped out with his dealer not too long ago, and that depending on my grievance I could get some "real fucking payback" (his words not mine, LOL). And I think I've got a pretty strong case. I'm sure you've heard about all these movies MGM is recycling — Red Dawn, RoboCop, etc. — which is all pretty tacky, if you ask me. Like, really, God, aren't there any new ideas? Then I heard this morning that they hired some writers to remake my movie Poltergeist. I couldn't believe it! We had such a good thing going back in 1982, and now they're just gonna go and unimaginatively squeeze another few dollars out of the property. I'm practically spinning in my grave!

Now listen, God: I have always minded my manners and been nice to everyone, as per Your dictates. But this really ticks me off, and if everyone else down on Earth gets to bomb, rape and kill each other with impunity, I don't see why I can't just this once ask you to strike someone with lightning or cast them opposite Billy Bob Thornton or at least scare some honest-to-You sense into them. Have you seen Poltergeist, God? I mean, I know you probably anticipated a lot of the twists, but didn't we do a good job overall — good enough to be left alone, anyway? It's not like we made Short Circuit (another forthcoming remake, but that's not my problem) or anything.

And frankly, God, You've already made enough trouble with the whole curse that brought me and my on-screen sister Dominique Dunne here prematurely. I think teaching these heathens a lesson would be a healthy first step in rehabilitating Your image among us.

Anyway, the people at MGM are named Harry Sloan, Mary Parent and Cale Boyter. The writers' names are Stiles White and Juliet Snowden, but I guess technically it's not their fault that this is happening, so please go easy on them — maybe an extended power outage, or an erased hard drive if they dare to revive my signature line, "They're heeeeeere." I trust You to determine the punishment for the studio people, though, especially with those other perversions they've wreaked of late. In fact, if You could get Tom Cruise himself to kill this project, I promise to clean my room and make my bed and eat my vegetables as long as I... well, You know.

So how about it, God? I'm really a sweet girl, but isn't enough enough? Let me know...

xo,

Heather

PS Leroi Moore, God? Really? That's just mean.

Most observers seem to think its a scenario as likely as the anthrax contagion rumored to be puffed through MGM Tower's central A/C, but frankly, we're in love with the idea. Moreover, we're in love with the 91-year-old mogul still rocking the brass balls it takes to reportedly offer $3 billion for the studio he sold to Sony four years ago for $5 billion:

Kerkorian's purported $3 billion offer roughly equates to the value of the studio implied in recent trading activity in MGM debt instruments, banking-community insiders noted. ...

Well-placed sources indicate MGM is sufficiently capitalized to fund film chief Mary Parent's ambitious new slate of film productions and other studio operations for at least another year. But after that, most believe, the studio likely will need to turn to new equity investors to maintain equilibrium.

We, too, had heard earlier whispers that Reliance Big Entertainment had considered an MGM bid before settling on DreamWorks for a fraction of the cost (and about 10 times the momentum), but thank goodness it took a pass. No potential deal boasts the appeal of Kerkorian 4.0, whose traditional role as Moribund MGM Heir historically augurs at least a few short-term miracles for the studio; the guy clearly can't wait to get in on that coveted remake of Red Dawn and/or putt around in the United Artists power vacuum. Which reminds us: Expect a press release from Harry Sloan by the end of the day assuring Hollywood that Tom Cruise is still in charge. He's just saying. Is all.

• Rumor values MGM at $3 billion [THR]