"There is no sex tape," Adnan tells Star exclusively, "and I've never claimed there is one."

Adnan says he's prepared to take legal action over the false claims attributed to him. The original story quoted Adnan talking about his intention to sell a two-hour tape he made with Britney in Mexico last January. The tape was said to show a naked Britney writhing around on a bed wearing just her famous pink wig.

"I don't know where these quotes I'm supposed to have said have come from," says Adnan. "What I do know is they certainly didn't come from me and they are completely false. I'm extremely upset and distressed and I'm taking legal action... This story has caused a lot of hurt to my family and people close to me."

"There is no sex tape," he continues. "That is the end of the matter."

Silly Adnan, there will never be any end to this matter. The Britney Spears sex tape story is one that will live on to the end of time, with sightings scattered from the wilds of the Midwest to the bustling street scene of Tokyo, each a hoaxer with a grainy mini-DV camera, a pink wig, and a whole lot of dreams.

[Photo Credit: WENN]

• Exclusive: Britney's Ex: "There's No Sex Tape" [Star]

Boomp3.com

Basking in the radiant glow of the Mexican sun, gal pals Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson enjoyed some popsicles while on vacation. Ronson had to instruct Lohan on the proper way to enjoy the frozen treat; it had been a long time since the Herbie: Fully Loaded star had enjoyed one. Although, Lohan picked up the proper technique in no time and was going to town on that popsicle like a pro. A near by guest relations’ assistant nearly passed out from what he called, ‘the awesomeness of that boner party,’ but expressed a fear of the toned twosome being stung by the rogue jellyfish in the middle of the beach.

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Boomp3.com

Life must be a permanent vacation for Smart Water spokesperson Jennifer Aniston. Aniston felt that another vacation as on the white sand beaches of Mexico was in order to fully get over the recent split from dorm rock crooner John Mayer, but Aniston still hasn’t been able to shake his memory. Aniston said, “I walk into the resort and somebody at the bar is doing that karaoke thing and they’re doing one of the songs by that joker. Then at dinner, a mariachi band plays another one of his songs. I may have to go to the South Pole if I want to get away from all of my exes.” Then Aniston remembered that it’s cold down at the South Pole and she’s not a fan of snow pants.

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.